Wednesday, October 28, 2009

It's official.

Life is full of hard decisions. For instance, Kansas City has been having some trouble with this raper man breaking into homes and beating and raping young girls. Scary I know. So lately I've been sleeping with mase and my bedroom door locked and one eye open. But now that I've got this demon thing in my closet I really don't want to keep my door locked. So Im really stuck in a no win situation. I either leave my door open so I'm not locked in my room with the black demon, thus leaving me wide open for the raper, or lock my door away from the raper and trap myself in with the creepy thing. See tough freaken decisions. Well last night I opted to sleep with the hall light on with my door wide open, I didn't have any scary dreams so it worked. But I heard on the news the raper is back at it, so tonight will require a better plan. I might have to start sleeping with mase and a bible. My bed is going to be full of stuff. On another note I finally went a saw a Doctor today. Turns out the ol H1N1 claimed another victim: me. Sitting in a 24 hour clinic surrounded by children who coughed like seals and old people drooling I started to think I'd rather suffer without meds at home than sit in a virus infested waiting room. But, I decided to stick it out. Finally I got to see the doctor, she asked me all the standard questions, like have you been around anyone that was infected? Well, maybe just the hundreds of dirty coughing wheezing high school students I see everyday. So then she took a swine flu test. She just swabbed my nose and ten minutes later came back and said the test was positive. And suddenly I knew exactly how the HIV patients of the world felt. All I could think was where on earth did I get this, who did I touch, who sneezed on me, that bastard teacher said I was the only presenter he let in his room. LIAR! I felt dirty. I felt cheated. How could this have happened? I was always so careful. I washed my hands millions of times a days and hadn't eaten bacon in weeks. As I was walking out the doctor reminded me to drink lots of fluids and to remember to eat because loss of appetite is one of the biggest symptoms. Um... Loss of appetite right before Halloween? Hells yes, this couldn't have come at a better time!

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

H1N1

I've got H1N1. Well, self diagnosed, anyway. I don't know for sure because I can't find my proof of insurance for my new health care and so I can't even schedule an appointment to see a Doctor. I'm really starting to change my opinion on the whole free health care thing. I feel like a single mom on welfare the way I keep getting denied at health clinics. I've had a 101 temp for a the past few days, my throat feels like I've swallowed razor blades and I've got this 24/7 drugged feeling going on. It's fun let me tell ya. So if you can imagine I'm a bit of a bear when I'm sick. I go to this school today lugging my standard suit case, cooler, computer bag, and two bags full of chips and pineapple and now to top it off I have the swiner. I feel like hell. I tell the office lady what teacher I am seeing and she asks if I need directions to the room. I say yes at which point she starts giving me these elaborate directions,
"Go through the double doors, then keep right, take the next right, then weave left,go up the stairs, then crawl through a tunnel, grab the hoolah hoop jump through it twice, go down the slide, and you're there."
"Alright, well why don't you just call the teacher's room and have a student come get me."
This is what most teachers do is send a student to help me at the office. A: To help me carry all my crap and B: Because obviously I don't know my way around their school.
So the office lady replies,
"Well have you been to this school before?"
"Yes."
"You should be fine then, it's really not hard."
Okay, yes I have been to the school, like 5 weeks ago. And did she ever consider the fact that I have been in about 500 other high schools since then and don't exactly remember the hallway systems or where the rooms are located and that basically all the high schools start to look the exact same?!?!?!?
I stomp off mumbling and grumbling not wanting to deal with this shit at 7:45 a.m.
Beside being sick, I have been having ridiculously creepy dreams at night. Maybe it's an affect of the fever I've been running? Last night was pretty flipping scary. It was one of those dreams where you think you've woken up, so I thought I was awake and I could see this little dark creature at the end of my bed and I tried to kick it away and then it tried to pull me off the bed and starting tearing at my legs. But then it scurried off into my closet, it reminded me of the little creatures from the movie "Ghost" starring a young Patrick Swayze RIP. So I've read enough books to know that something was trying to possess me last night and damn it this is just not the week for that. I really just dont have time right now. So I turned on my tv, held my phone and mase close to me, and was up basically the rest of the night in case I had to fight off whatever it was trying to get me. If I wake tomorrow morning with bleeding palms then I'm really gona be pissed.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Airport fun

I just love airports. I love the friendly staff, the friendly travelers and all of the friendly lines. But unlike an amusement park once you get through the line you don't get to go on a fun ride,you just get to another line. Also, note to security, if you really think that I am capable of making a bomb out of my 4.2 oz hair spray bottle, well then you are giving me much more credit than I deserve. Today me and my mom are dashing through the Chicago airport trying to get through security when we get turned away for having too many carry ons. But our carry ons weren't actually carry ons, they were just shopping bags full of our clothes we bought on Michigan Ave. Tomatoe tomato, we couldn't carry more than two bags including our purses. So the security girl is getting snatchy,
"You can't carry all these bags on. You have to check them."
"Ok, I'm not going to check a brown Bloomingdale un sealed bag."
"Well, if you continue to hold up this line you will get charged $1000 for every minute you delay the plane."
Ummm ya. My bull shit alert starts to go off so loud I can barely hear the girl bitching at us making up these gibberish lies. But then I get smart and come up with this great idea.
"Alright, no problem, I'll just put all these clothes on."
The girl looks at me with a "you can't do that look." Now it's a challenge.
So I pull out my leather jacket and put it on first, than a black trench coat on top of it, and finish it off with the new faux fur bulky cheetah coat. I look ridiculous. And the security girl is livid. I loved it.
But Chicago was a lot of fun. The shopping is amazing obviously. And the bars and restaurant's are great too. The only thing I didn't really understand about Chicago is why every bar we went to felt the need to have hand dryers in the bathrooms. Not like machines, I'm talking about people. Every time I came out of the bathroom stall there was a creepy lady standing by the sink holding a rag for my to dry off with. Now I just want to know at what point life leads someone to the occupation of drying the hands immediately after someone has just relieved them self. Come to think of it, I hope I'll never know though, actually.
On another note, I'm starting to eat crazy healthy tomorrow. I was trying on some boots in a store this weekend and it was really crowded so I casually attempted to sit on the shelf that was right behind me. It was a low shelf, it held heavy luggage, I assumed it could hold me. As soon as I sat onto the shelf it crashed to the ground and all of the luggage on it tumbled down. Everyone turned to stare at me as I lay sprawled out on the groud with luggage surrounding me. It was quite humiliating. I hope to lose ten pounds by Friday. I'll let you know how it goes.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Lock Down

I presented at this really ghetto school today. Like as ghetto as it gets. The first class was fine, only 35 minutes, like 10 kids, smooth sailing. The next class was another story. About 55 kids, in a huge art room, I literally had to yell. But luckily I just showed them Michael Jordan and Kanye advertisements and they were entertained. So I'm finishing up, packing up my stuff and then the art teacher asks me if I could stay for the afternoon and present in a few more classes. Naturally, I say no and go on my merry way. A few hours later I'm watching Ellen when suddenly the show gets interrupted by a breaking news announcement. "School on lock down after shooting." Hmmm how bout that I think. And then I find out this happened at the school I was at just a few hours previous. Holy schnikees. I start to get excited I'm not sure why. I think it might be because I just cheated death. I could have been at the school at the very moment this happened. Well, I hear a little more about the story and there was a shooting at the house across the street from the school and they thought the suspects were going to go to the school, thus the reason the school went on lock down. Still though, pretty crazy. Turns out the students had to sit under their desks with the lights off until 4:00 p.m. when they were dismissed. Talk about my hell, I can't even imagine if I would have had to sit at that school all day long under a desk with all of those rowdy students. I probably would have become the shooter. Joking. But seriously. The teacher even told me that many of her students act as if they "eat crack for breakfast." I just laughed awkwardly when she said this because I didn't know if it was a joke or not. But anywho, it was just another day at the office I suppose.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

The Drinking Danger Zone

So I think Holly from the Hills might be my new favorite character. If you happened to miss The Hills episode last night, you sure missed a good one. Beside the realistic banter between Stephanie Pratt and Heidi, Holly, the other Montag girl, got pretty sloshed at some event. And when I say pretty sloshed, I mean she prob just had a drink or two more than the others who just drink water or red bull all night because they had their fun off camera, if you snort my drift. So Holly gets drunk and starts dancing around like an idiot doing all these weird gestures with her hands back and fourth and everyone is looking at her and judging her. And then I started to get real embarrassed, but not for her, but because I started to get nervous thats how I look. So then I took this quiz from Womens Health mag called The Drinking Danger Zone. These were the questions:
1. You've missed work because you were too hungover to get out of bed.
ugghh, nope, not this week.
2. You keep drinking even after you already feel drunk.
Well technically... No, I'm pretty sure I always say I'm never drunk when I drink.
3. The number of drinks you usually consume no longer gives you a buzz.
This is for sure not true.
4. You act out of character and engage in risky, confrontational, or self-sabotaging behavior when you drink.
"I am going to burn this bar down!!!!"
The last question is my favorite.
5. You hoard booze at a party because you're afraid you wont get enough.
um house parties with MR. Barton anyone??!?!
So if you said yes to any of the above questions you have a drinking problem. Thank God I didn't, but if you did I would recommend talking to someone about this.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

O'douls from here on out.

Game days. Ohhh my me. I don't really even know what to say about yesterday. I tried to pace myself, I really wanted to keep it a little bit together. I was doing pretty good for quite awhile but then I got drugged I think. Someone definitely put something into one of my thirty drinks. How else could I explain me falling into a bush and getting cut off by 10 p.m. and plotting to destroy the future of the certain bar that wouldn't serve me. It wasn't because I was drunk. And let me tell you, I made damn sure every worker at the bar knew I wasn't even drunk. I ran around screaming and kicking to make sure they knew. I promised them that I was going to be the demise of their bar, while grinding my teeth and rubbing my fists together I plotted to ruin the bar. What I would like to know is why I just didn't leave that stupid bar. Why did I insist on demanding one more freeeaken red bull vodka. I am such an ass. I hate game days. And I really hate day after game days. I have barely stopped shaking today. And Im pretty sure some little animal snuck up in the night and threw up in my mouth. Ok thats disgusting, but thats the taste I had when I woke up. Must have been an after affect of the drug that was put into my drink. I've also noticed that every Sunday following a Husker game I wake up with that "oh shit" feeling. Like oh shit what did I do last night, who saw me, who did I yell at, what did I spill on me, why is my hair sticky and why are my nails black. And why I am sleeping in my boots, coat, and purse still slung around me? Well this is all stopping right now. I'm going to clean it up. Next time I am in down town Lincoln, which wont be for a longggg time I am going to go into hiding for a bit, I wont have pizza on my shirt or beer in my hair I will be keeping in classy with an O'douls.

Random story though from Friday- So this was awkward. I was finishing up a presentation and suddenly this little ginger girl walks up to me and hands me a two page written note. Ginger has a slight lazy eye problem I might mention, she doesn't really look at me, but past me. It's scary. So she hands me the note and just says,
"I want you to read this."
"Ok, what is it?"
"Something I wrote."
Obviously.
So I start reading the note, and as soon as I see "I knew from the moment I saw you..." I stopped. My usual awkward self starts to get all hot and nervous that I am about to start reading a love letter while the person who wrote it is standing two feet in front of me, imagine the terribleness. The next line I read says something about never being allowed to drive, so then I think maybe she just wants me to take her somewhere. Hells I don't know, a goofy eyed Ginger girl just handed me some bizarre note and all the students have since left the room what else should I think.
"Okkkkk, so what is this?"
"It's a love letter I wrote"
I cut her off,
"Whoaaaa, um, this, you, um, I,"
she cuts me off,
"A love letter I wrote for my favorite country music singer Dirks, I want him to turn it into a song."
Wheeewww. Close call. But now I feel kinda weird that I even thought the letter was for me. And a also a little disappointed. Kidding.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Can of wormies.

Perhaps it is because I often have to encounter cranky old women on a daily basis, but I'm quite upset about the old lady from the news who is getting awarded $40,000 because of the fact she refused to obey a police officer and so he had to taser her. So this is all caught on tape- An old lady gets pulled over for speeding, a cop starts to issue her a ticket, she starts swearing, and I tell you what when an old woman drops the F bomb more than once she can no longer be labled as a "sweet old lady." She refuses to take the ticket, tells the cop to take her to jail at which point he demands she gets out of the car, she gets out and freaks out on him blah blah blah he warns her to get back a few times, she says "GO AHEAD AND TASESR ME" so he does. And now the state is paying her $40,000. I'm fired up. But what really rattles my chain is the fact that on the Today show this morning, ol grandma is all smiles, practically laughing about the incident, saying she sure does have a "temper" from time to time. Let's just play pretend for a second. Let's pretend Grandma is really, um, I dunno Jamal. And Jamal isn't a woman, hes a man. A man of a certain ethnicity, you decide which one. Do you think Jamal would find himself with $40,000 in his pocket after such an encounter. Oh helllllls no. Jamal is probably in in jail, either someones new girlfriend or, well, I dont know any other stereotypes about jail but I bet they're not good. I'm not trying to pretend Im such a human rights advocate, I just think it's shit. I get pulled over for speeding, quite frequently actually, and obey very politely usually, sometimes I even cry, and do I get money for this? Do I get to be on talk shows? NO. I get lots of speeding tickets and lots of stop classes and lots of insurance rates going up. I can barely talk about this anymore I'm all riled up again. Next time I do see the familar cherries in my rearview I'm not going to get all hot and nervous and sick to my stomach, I'm gona get excited. I just hit the jackpot. All I have to do is act like old lady and I then wait for my check in the mail. I think a large can of worms just got opened damn it, and I'm going to be the first to dig in.

hey ps, I'm applying for this online writing thingy and they want my blod address, so if there is someone out there who reads this you should be a pal and click "Follow" at the top so it will look like people actually browse this from time to time. Schpanks.

Monday, October 12, 2009

My first alum meeting.

Tonight was my first Theta alum meeting. It was at this great book store I've been wanting to go to that looks really cute. It was my first real time to meet new friends finally!! But I didn't go. I got nervous. I had good intentions, I even showered and got kinda ready. I went to Von Maur, instead. I'm just really socially awkward in situations like the one I expected to encounter tonight. I pictured myself walking in alone and then seeing the group of girls and having to go up and introduce myself , and yes, I am pathetic because really this doesn't sound all that bad. I just don't understand why we couldnt have the meetings at like a bar or something, so then I could prime before. I would just feel bad walking into a book store already drunk. Not that I need to be drunk to meet new people, I just prefer it. I've just realized the only chance at meeting new friends will be in high schools. I better start liking the office staff or offering to buy the kids alcohol. Those are my two choices at this point in time. Maybe I could get invited to some house parties or something, that could be fun. Live the high school life I was never really able to live because I was always too scared to drink during basketball season. Definitely glad I stayed dedicated though, if not I might have never gotten that scholarship to play ball at USC. And then I would have never gotten to take Sid's spot when she tore her knee up. Oh wait, that didn't happen for me, I'm not Monica. I'm white. Ya, I wasn't even really that good in high school. I sure wasted a lot of sober nights at home being "dedicated" the more I think about it. If I could give real advise to high school kids I'd tell them to drink the hell out of their high school nights because chances are they won't play sports after so what in the hell does it really matter. Drinking in high school will only get them better prepared for college. Because if you dont drink in high school you'll be that girl who passes out in her dorm room before even making it out. Or who passes out while out. Or in a booth. Or a car. Sometimes standing up. Bitter? Me? Never.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Bambi and Cam

So I'm driving home today after I dropped Chris off at his house, and I say "dropped off" casually even though it really means driving him 3 hours to Lincoln only to turn right around and drive back,nbd though I would do it again and again if it means him coming to KC. But back to my story, it's about 8:30 and pitch black on the interstate already and snow flurries are falling. Wtf snow in the beginning of October? What is this, 1993, is Halloween gona get cancelled again? Anywho, I'm driving along when all of the sudden Bambi starts to make a suicide run, I honk my horn to scare her off and she uses her better judgement and decides life is worth living and scampers back into the trees. But now I'm freaked. I hate seeing deer at night on the side of the road, because deer are like 7th graders, they travel in packs. Now I'm white knuckling my steering wheel, my new steering wheel I might add. After driving my good ol Honda civic since 2003 I finally retired her. So now Im cruising in a very dadish grey Camry, or is it Camrey? Sad I don't even know how to spell my new cars name, I'll call her Cam. I'm scanning the trees now, of course my eyes start playing tricks on me and I start to see deer everywhere. Every post that lights up is a deer I think. I'm looking all over just waiting when all of the sudden I see the car in front swerve and before I know it I see a deer,strike that, I run over a deer right in front of me.Shittttttttttttt! It literally sounded like I ran over 5 deers! Now, I am pretty sure it was already dead when I got to it, because it was laying in the street, but if it wasn't I finished it off. Suddenly my mind flashes back to March when I heard that same terrible sound of running something over beneath the wheels of my car, back to march when I sadly took the life of a beautiful white farm cat. Only this time it was louder. And I really didn't feel as bad as I did when I selfishly took the life of that innocent cat named Boots, I assumed this was his name because of the cute little black fur on his feet. And also, because let's be honest, I eat way too much jerky to try to pretend I actually care about the life of a deer. Now all I can think about is my new car. Of course in my head I envision the entire left side to be dented in and terrible looking. I did the only logical thing I could think of, I called Chris and started crying. Chris suggested I pull off onto the next exit and look at the car before I decide in my head that it is totalled and I have to go back to driving my 1998 Honda. Much to my surprise, the only thing on the car was blood and guts. Disgusting, yes. But expensive to fix, no. Just a car wash will take care of it. So the score is currenly Cam 1, Bambi 0. I think I am going to like my new dad car.

Monday, October 5, 2009

No, not really.

I'm having a really hard time writing my paper for my history course. Call me crazy, but I just fail to see the importance of comparing ancient Greek civilization with Roman civilization. Now I know I'll sure feel like a fool if the time comes in a job interview and I am asked this exact question, but for the time being I just don't see the relevance in it. The jig is up, I got a job.
On another note I think my neighbor just asked me out to dinner. Ugh, now I'm going to have to be Jenny Awkward and take new routes to the work out center and mail boxes. He asked me to go on a "dog walk" with him a few days ago when I had Izzy here with me. I politely declined. And then he rang my doorbell yesterday and I hid. God I hope he doesn't read this. But I did the whole, peak out the window thing and then crouch on the floor thing. I hate doing this, not that I do it a lot... But when someone is at my door and I want to pretend I am not home (considering my car is parked literally five feet from my front door) I get all nervous that suddenly the person I am hiding from can like see through two story window somehow. I literally layed down on the floor for about five minutes. And even then when I finally got up I looked all around cautiously, like maybe there were cameras in my house. Weird I know, but I bet you've probably done it too. Like when someone calls and you don't answer but then you get all nervous that maybe they can see you. I especially get all anxious if I'm driving and I screen, like shit maybe they just saw me driving and that's why they called, or mabey even worse they're behind me and saw me pick up my phone and set it down. Being sketchy is hard to do. But back to the whole dinner date, I was sitting out on my patio trying to write my paper with head phones in and I see him walk by out of the corner of me eye, I didn't look up just because I didn't want to stupid chit chat. And then he walks by again. And one more time. Finally, I nod and smile. I hear him say my name, but I pretend my music is on and don't respond. I'm terrible I know. But if you can imagine at this point Im getting uncomfortably hot and not ready for the awkward social interaction I can feel is coming on. He says my name louder, and I take out my earphones. At which point he said,
"Do you want to try out your food critic skills?"
He had previously asked why I am frequently wearing a chefs coat. To which I told him my job and that I would love to get my culinary degree to someday be a critic. Anyway,
"What do you mean?" I stupidly respond.
"Do you want to go out to dinner?"
Shit, hell, shit. I go into panic mode this is exactly what I hoped to avoid.
"No, not really."
Man Im evil. But seriously I don't think its appropriate, like dinner is a date.
I can see I transferred some of the awkward energy to him, so he says,
"Oh, Okay. See ya." and walks away. I feel bad, but I wasn't rude, I was just casual, and I guess it probably shocked him because I didn't even debate my "no, not really" answer, I just said it.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Slumdays

I don't want to like Miley. But I just can't help it. I still can't decide if I want her to be a trainwreck or not, should I root for her to start the downslope toward Britneyville or should I want her to actually do good. I'm torn. For now I'm going to keep listening to her CDs and watching her videos. Thank God her new CD didn't start out like her last one called "Breakout" when the first song was like, "Stuck in school so lame, getting up at 8 a.m. crazy, my parents say that I'm lazy...." Kinda felt a bit ridiculous jamming out to a song about middle school, but I did it anyway. Today I rented the Hannah Montana movie. Damn it was good, I cried like three times, especially when Miley sang the song for her dad called Butterfly Fly Away. No one told me it was going to be a tear jerker geez! The only thing I don't understand is why no one call tell that Hannah is just Miley with a wig. I mean I get that little kids might be confused by the hair change, but why in the hell are all the adults in the town fooled as well? But really, absolutely nothing else changes but her hair color and not a single person figures this out.
Besides renting the Hannaha Montana movie today I have not moved from the couch. And when I say rented I mean picked up the different remote control to switch to OnDemand so I could rent it from the tv. Sundays should be called Slumdays because thats how I feel. I wish I could get some motivation to get up and put in the movie Hocus Pocus, I feel like it's about that time of year to watch my favorite three witches trot around Salem tricking a young Thora Birch and her ugly older brother. I think quite possibly every little girl dressed up as one of the witches from Hocus Pocus at least once in their Halloween career. I also think it's a safe bet that no one ever wanted to be the fat witch. It was always SJP who everyone wanted to be, and of course the blondest of the little girl's always thought she had rights to it.
I'm going to be productive now and stalk facebook for a bit.
Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...