To update, or not to update?

Monday, November 23, 2009

Well Cabo Trip 2009 is just about underway. Everything was all a buzz tonight at Jade's house as we ran our last minute vacation errands. First it was pedis, then sun screen at Walgreens, plane snacks and sunglasses at Target and then a last minute run to No Frills Supermarket so Jade could cash her in nickels and dimes she's been collecting. She was hoping for $100 in coins, Coin Star only counted $28, needless to say Jade never won the "guess how many jelly beans are in the jar" game when she was little. But it was standard pre vacation hectic-ness around here. I just hope we don't forget Kevin again. Man what that an annoying mess. So for the next 7 days my daily agenda will consist of laying out, drinking frozen drinks and eating an endless supply of chips and salsa. I'm quite looking forward to it. My biggest decision at this point is whether or not to do a fb vacation status. You know I could do something simple like, "Cabo Woo Hoo!" Or perhaps, "Margaritas and Warm weather here I come," no, that's just not me. Maybe I should quickly take a picture of myself in the bathroom mirror with a really cute pouty face, dressed in a tight tank top and little boxers and put my status as, "Bikinis, tequilla and sun!Who wants to join? Mexico 09!!!" Yes I could do that one, but then I would have to proceed to beat myself with a brick out of self hate. But seriously now, I love fb status updates. I risk my life on a daily basis reading them while I drive. I have a few people that I always can count on to provide me with entertaining updates. I've been toying with the idea of including my fav fb updates for the day to share with all of you. I won't include names, but here are some that I liked from today.

"Wants to do know what I did wrong? Why can't things go back to the way they were? I loved her so much, why can't she just give me the chance I deserve?"

Well for starters you post shit like this on your profile.

"Class, library, work out, tanning, DRINK! It's a busy life, but I love it!"

Thanks for the play by play. We were all dying to know that.

"Wants to know why there are so many haters- some girls must be real bored if all they have to talk about is me and my biz!"

Well, when you use terms like "haters" and "biz" what do you expect?

"Having a tickle party in my room, anyone care to come?"

Do I even need to respond to this one?
If you know one of these posters, or might even be one of them, please do not take offense. I admire you really and your complete lack of self dignity.

And Then There Were None.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

The home games have officially reached their conclusion. Thank God. I am Huskerd out. I went to more games this year than I have ever gone to in my life, and when I say "went to" I mean tailgated for. I only attendeed one game, but I tailgated for all. Kinda ironic that the year I moved away I went to the most games. Although most people don't even know that I don't live in Lincoln anymore. So farewell Pelini Pitchers, Lazaris more than twice a day, Elk Creek water (is that what it's called?), drinking for more than 12 hours in a day, and most definitely farewell to porta potties. You know its a bad sign when the person coming out of the porta potty won't make eye contact with you as you go in. If they don't have enough dignity to look you in the eye as you walk into that small enclosed area where they just left something behind you might as well brace yourself for the very worst. After each home game I swore to myself I wasn't going to the next, but I always managed to find myself back in that damn porta potty line in Lincoln Saturday after Saturday. I really am thankful I can get back to my fun and exciting life in KC. I can now start spending my Saturdays at Power and Light, thats def more my scene. I've just been dying to pull out my glitter halter tops and black mini skirts and heels- P&L is just the place. I like to think of it as the Jersey Shore of the midwest.
So I've been hearing a lot of hype about this new Twilight movie, I don't know much about it to be honest, it's like a spin off of Buffy or Sabrina or something I think. All about vampires and goblins and stuff. It seems to be a really big deal, there's a real market for freaky deaky stuff I've figured out. First there was the goblins in Lord of the Rings, then the wizards in Harry Potter, and now this vampire stuff in Twilight, these writers are making a lot of money. I've decided I need to get in on this, first I thought about creating a book series about fake people who are really robots. But then I remembered Lauren Conrad already did this with her book L.A. Candy. Then the light bulb really went off. Unicorns. I'm going to write a series of books about teenagers who are half human half unicorn. They go through everyday problems like dating issues, appearance dilemmas (like their spot size and horn size) and then it gets serious when one Unicorn gets pregnant and then gets horn cancer. It will only be a matter of time before my books become movies, at which point Zac Efron will play the heart throb (obviously) I think Sloan from Entourage will be the nice Unicorn, and Spencer Pratt will play the evil Unicorn who is really just a horse with a cone on his head. I think I'll ask Spencer to bring Holly, his siser in law, on set just because I think she seems like a hoot. Clearly I have put a lot of thought into this. I just need to think of a catchy title and I'm pretty much set.

Its almost christmas!!

Thursday, November 19, 2009

So when given the choice to talk to a class full of W.T. or thugs, I will choose the thugs anyday. The thuggish ruggish are just so much more optimistic and interactive with me, they get so excited when I show any clip with Obama or Michael Jordan. The white trash kids, well they're rude and the only thing they ever ask me is "you got a program for fixing cars?" No, no I am sorry I don't have a program that will enable you to get your degree to be a mechanic. Or they just blatantly don't pay attention and instead choose to talk as loudly as they can about all the beer they drink and cigs they smoke, because obviously this convo will impress me. The funny thing I have noticed though is that when I present in a class with a white teacher but mostly african american students the students always think I'm related to the teacher. They see two white people and automatically think we're mother and daughter. This has happened on more than one occassion,
"You Ms.Smith's daughter?"
"You Ms. Jones's grandbaby?"
"You her sister?"
I politely explain to them that all white people are not related. Speaking of skin color, I have noticed, along with the rest of the world, that Sammy Sosa is turning white. This is ironic to me- white people lay in the sun and tanning bed for hours (me included) to turn dark, and black people use weird creams and lazer treatments to turn white. Do we really want to be eachother that badly? Why can't we be like the chinese and simply accept who we are? They proudly flaunt their yellowish tint skin decorated in hello kitty and diesel attire. Perhaps we should all take a clue from those cute little Selleck residents.
On another note, last night Sara and I took a Christmas tour of homes in Overland Park to see all the holiday decor. The christmas decor was mediocre, I hardly saw and red and green, it was all fancy gold shit. I needed a few more plastic santas on the roof, perhaps some ceramic snowman scattered around, and not one house had the hanging fabric Christmas count down where you move the mouse from 25 days all the way down to 1. Regardless, my Christmas spirit did increase by the conclusion of the mansion tour, as did my greed, I need to figure out a way to get myself a sleigh full of money so I can have my own mansion on the tour. Only my house will look as if Christmas threw up in it.

Culinary Veterinarian

Monday, November 16, 2009

Eeek. I'm wondering if anyone else is still recovering from KU? It's about 6 p.m. and I'm still drinking cup after cup of coffee to keep myself awake. Not to mention the boss of my boss came and observed me today, not the best day for that to say the least. I blamed my shakes on the fact I was nervous. So after a presentation this awkward student walks up to me,this is always interesting, the creepers always hang around to ask me weird ass questions.
"I would like to talk to you about culinary," the girl says, "I am very interested in going to culinary school."
Ok, pretty sure that's what I just talked about for the past fifty minutes of the class period.
"Sure, that's great, what do you want to know?"
"Well, I have always loved animals." She said to me with a big goofy smile.
Hmm. And?
So I ask, "Ok, so are you worried about like cooking with meats and stuff?"
"No, I have always wanted to be a vet."
At this point I really don't know what to say. I am lacking to see the correlation between culinary school and becoming a vet.
"Well that is great. Culinary involves a little more cooking, and less animal medicine."
"Yes, I know, that is why I want to study culinary."
Even as I recall this conversation I am still completely lost regarding what in Gods name this girl was trying to ask me.
"Well then I think you would be perfect in culinary." I said to her at which point she responded with,
"Ok great! Thank you so much." And she left the room smiling ear to ear.
So there you have it, I just continue to set kids on the right path day after day.

The Hawk: Heaven on earth.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Here's the thing I love about away games- I love the fact that when I see someone I know from Nebraska I suddenly feel like they're my best friends. It's funny to me how most times I see these very same people in Lincoln quite regularly and it's really not a big deal, but just because we're in another state drinking together I have to make the most of it. It suddenly becomes like "Oh my gosh you're here! What on earth are the chances we would both end up at the same bar (the hawk obviously) We have to take a shot! I havn't seen you since last Saturday!!" And hugging and dancing follows. It's great. Yesterday was pretty damn random if I do say so myself. It began a bit later than expected due to a late night at Power and Light. Still not sure about that place- it seems a little more like John Gosslin's scene than mine. Anywho- we head to Lawrence about noon. Our first stop is the Hawk- have a bloody mary then decide to move on as our blood alcohol levels were not high enough to be at the Hawk. Our next stop is a make shift tailgate. This means drinking straight from the bottle at my brother's car,parked in what we soon learned was a "Family neighborhood." Apparantly the residents didn't like us blasting Party in The USA and taking swigs in front of their houses, perhaps we did take it a step too far when Jeni and I proceeded to sit on their porch. We were told we had to leave. Next stop: the stadium. We pick up some drunk and friendly KU fans on the way who decide to purchase two tickets for chris and myself from a scalper on a yellow banana seat bike (looking back this should have been a clue not to purchase anything from said man) But it wasn't our money, it was friendly KU man who gives the guy $20 for two tickets. My good karma helped me out because not even two steps later I found two $10bills on the ground and was able to pay back KU fan. Once we get to the gates Chris and I are turned away because we failed to notice the tickets we bought had a large "youth" stamp on them, apparantly they were special tickets only for those under 16. I complained that I was 15, but they didn't believe me. KU fan finds this out and gets real upset and proceeds to argue with the ticket people for literally 45minutes! Ridic. Me and Chris really could have cared less, I just wanted to go back to the Hawk. Next stop is downtown to a bar to meet up with Chris's friends. We decide we dont want to walk so Chris sticks his thumb up and we get a ride with Warren, a friendly construction worker just finishing his shift working on the capitol in Topeka. Helluva nice guy. We see two stumbling husker girl fans and tell them to hop on in, as well. We drink down town for a bit then decide it's Hawk time- so hitch hike another ride from a girl wearing a poncho. Chris tells her what an awesome woman she is about 30 times through out the 5 minute ride. It's about 5:30 and the line to get into the Hawk is an hour long. We waited for what felt like days until finally getting in. Things get pretty fuzzy from here on out. All I know is the Hawk has never let me down for having a good time. The night ends with chris trying to arm wrestle any and everyone, me picking a fight with a sophomore in Sig Ep (sorry about that by the way) and then Chris getting escorted out by the doorman. Like I said- a great night.

24 Deer and 1 Dead Cow- and a partridge in a pear tree.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Great game day, just a great day. I didn't get cut off anywhere, I didn't start any fights and I didn't go to Amigos and Lazari's in the same night-only Lazaris. And I even heard we won, which is cool too. The night was capped off at the Bar with the entire crowd singing as loud as they could to Party in the USA. I saw numerous 25ish aged men with their hands in the air jamming to Miley, it was beautiful. The road back to Kansas today was spent listening to Christmas music the entire way,give me Mariah's Christmas album any day. Sara and I entertained ourselves by counting the dead deer on the road, we got to about 24, oh and 1 dead cow. That was pretty weird, a huge black cow was laying on its back with its stiff legs sticking straight into the air-ya don't see that everyday. We had to make sure and be back by 7 because we had a wedding to attend. It was Khloe Kardashian's wedding actually. Whoa, talk about an event, especially considering it was thrown together in 9 days. Call me crazy but I'm pulling for her and Omar, I thought he was pretty great. It was just such a nice family event, and when Bruce gave his speech I got pretty choked up. I almost think I could see a change of facial expression in Jenner's creepy corpse face. Well after the big Kardashian event I'm pretty wiped out (emotionally) so I think I need to sleep it off. I have a big Monday tomorrow, lots of students to inspire.

This Is It

Friday, November 6, 2009

I'd like to take this moment to take back every negative thing I have ever said about Michael Jackson in my life. I'm serious, every molester joke, every mickey mouse nose joke, every "I pretend I'm white but was born black" joke. I take it ALL BACK. Last night Sara and I went to the Michael Jackson movie, and it moved me. I am looking into taking some adult dance classes here because that movie gave me the urge to DANCE! Jackson, RIP, was a flippen musical genious. I mean, I always knew this, ever since my first performance to Smooth Criminal when I was 8, and we all know my love for Thriller. I had just forgotten how damn good he was because I, like most of the world, let myself get distracted by petty things like child rape and what not. You know what, I wouldn't be suprised if the children came on to Michael, they probs seduced him. Someone should check into that. What child wouldn't like an adult friend with an amusement park in their backyard, or a monkey that walks around the house? It's tempting to me even. So there I was, sitting in the theatre being entranced by the whole thing-almost to tears that this amazing concert will never happen. And then some girls behind us start to clap. Oh that's kinda cute I think, it's like we are at a concert. And then they clapped after the next song, starting to get annoying but whatever they're into it. And then they started to Woo. And Woo somemore. I'm starting to get agitated if you can imagine. And then they started to sing along to every single song. And they managed to ruin the wonderful experience I was having. If I wanted to hear fat girls sing along to Michael Jackson I would have gone to karaoke night at the Norfolk bowling alley. Needless to say, the finale of the movie is a blur to me because I was so irratated, I spent the remainder of the moive huffing loudly, and constantly turning around to the rude girls who thought they were at a MJ concert. Perhaps this behavior would have been more appropriate like the day after the movie opened, on a Saturday night showing at like midnight. But certainly not at the 7:00 o'clock showing on a Thursday after the movie had already been played for at least two weeks. Simply ridiculous. As we left the theatre Sara politely asked me not to cause a fuss and risk myself getting into a fight. I obeyed, especially when I saw these "girls" were actually women. Looked to be about 35 ish.
So remember how I said I get told I look like people all the time? Still happens about once a week, so today I heard these little high school boys mumbling under their breath and then all look at me.
"What are you guys talking about me?" I asked, immediately thinking I had some food on my face or something gross.
"He says you look like someone he knows."
Oh cute, they have a crush, I bet they think I look like Megan Fox, I get that one all the time...
"You look like my friend's mom."
I can't describe what I felt at that moment. I started to wish they had even said Drew Barreymore, or hell at this point I would have taken Kathy Griffin. Not really, but thats close to how I felt.
"Well, I've never heard that one before." I said through tears.
"Ya, only his mom is a little smaller."
Dig the knife a little deeper, thanks, feels great.


Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Today got pretty interesting. I was speaking at an alternative highschool (school for naughty kids) so I expected it might be a tough crowd. I walked into the FACs class to meet the teacher, there was only about ten kids in the room, my favorite sized crowd. But then the teacher informed me that I wasn't speaking in her room, I was speaking in the gym- to the entire school. Okay...
So I walked into the gym and there was rows upon rows of chairs set up. I started to get pretty nervous at this point. Then the janitor walked in to help,
"Them your knives?" he asked and pointed to my knife kit on the table.
"Um, ya."
"You better keep them real close to you, lot of kids here would love to get their hands on them."
Oh shit. And then the bell rang and the chairs started filling up. Meanwhile my computer wont turn on. I start to get really hot, maybe I could grab my knives and get the hell out. There gym is now full of thugs and about twenty teachers, definitely my biggest crowd. I continued to fidget with my computer literally begging it to turn on. Magically the computer turned on and so I had no other choice but to begin.
And it wasn't half bad. It was definitely the most random presentation I gave, it ended up being mostly about my knives. The moment I pulled out my chef knife their eyes widened and they wanted to see my pairing knife and my sharpener and what kind of tricks could I do. I told them I could throw them in the air and catch them behind my back, but I wasnt in the mood to show off today. The didn't buy it, but they did ask if there was a class they could take simply for knife skills. Yah, for some reason the students just wanted to know everything about them, they all wanted their own culinary knife kit by the end. Instead I gave them Jicama salsa. Perhaps Im in the wrong career, maybe I should be a knife salesman?

No mas pantalones stretchy.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

So I've gotten pretty lazy with the chef attire I wear to work lately. My "uniform" is a big white chef coat, black pants, and black closed toed shoes. One day I was running low on black pants because I had gotten messy the day before and spilled Jicama salsa all over the front so I thought what the hell, I'll wear black running pants to work today. No one noticed, it was great. And ever since I have worn black running/yoga pants to work every single day. Today I was at this school and this girl raised her hand,
"So is that like your uniform?"
"Ya." I say.
"You guys all have to wear those pants?"
"Uh, well, just black pants, yes."
"I just wondered why they make you all wear dance pants."
"Well they want us to be flexible in the kitchen." That was my response. I didn't know what else to say, I had totally been called out. So I think this means I have to go back to wearing "proper" black work pants, no more stretchy pants damn it.
So in one class today it was a girl's 18th birthday. Her name was Kara, she was pretty cute I'd say. Her dad had bought her brand new True Religions that she was super stoked to get, but she was dissapointed when she tried them on because she said they were too tight on her thighs because she had gained weight since she originally picked them out. So for her bday dinner tonight she was going to "eat healthy and just order a BLT." Ha. Oh high school kids and their silly lack of calorie knowledge. Kara told me how excited she was to go get a piercing now that she's 18, so I was thinking a nose piercing, perhaps one of those weird floating booger piercings as I call them, where you pierce half way between your nose and lip. Choose one I think, why the hell would you want it to look like you have a shiney booger in the center of your face, either pierce your lip or your nose. But then Kara informed me she was piercing her hips!!!! Apparantly the new hot thing for skanky 18 year olds is to pierce the skin right above the hips bones. But if she keeps eating BLT's she wont have hip bones much longer- I didn't tell her that though because I already started to sense an early eating disorder in the works.
Right now I'm watching tv and that creepy Duggar show just came on, the family that has 34 children or soemthing. I just don't think its natural for humans to have more children than ducks or dogs do. It just seems gross to me. Ducks at least lay eggs, I cant even imagine how Mother Duggar keeps her eggs from falling right out of her these days. Let's not forget the father of all these children is named JIM BOB. I feel that says enough about the man responsible for all this offspring.

Happy Hallow-bust.

Monday, November 2, 2009

You'll have to excuse my absence, I've been quite busy with healing myself from swine flu and then I've been very occupied with Halloween pics on facebook, I've got priorities you know, I've got people to judge, chubby girls in small outfits to size up. I'm only kidding, I actually admire the girls who are confident enough to prance around in the teeny tiny nurse, cop, and childhood fairytale character costumes without any sort of inhibition. After much research on facebook albums I have come to my conclusion regarding the costumes this year. They lacked overall creativity. I'm sorry, but this is my opinion. I saw five too many Tom Cruises from Risky Business, c'mon people this was the costume of the early 2000's. Throw on a dark wig and a diaper under that white blouse shirt and go as Suri instead, just a thought. It doesn't take too much extra thought, really. Also, where were all the dead Michael Jackson's? I honestly hoped I would be seeing a lot more of him, perhaps I am just looking in the wrong albums though. Okay, one girl I did see out (out in Norfolk is where I spent my Halloween thanks to H1N1) had a dark wig and 8 tiny plastic babies taped to her chest and she was octo mom, I really liked that one. I also happened to see a former high school teacher dressed as a fairy, complete with white hooker heels and all. That was awkward. Speaking of Norfolk fun, I ran into a fellow classmate, let's just say this was a girl I didn't exactly see eye to eye with. Well anywho she wasn't dressed up, too cool I assume, and so I tried to be polite and strike up a friendly conversation,
"So where is your costume tonight?"
At which point said girl turns to me and very rudely replies,
"I didn't dress up."
To which I reply,
"Oh, I get it, you're a high school bitch. With the stick up the ass and everything. Very original."
I didn't say that, I only thought about saying it. I don't' quite have the normal fight in me because of my illness right now, I'm a bit beaten down. So between old teacher run ins, and ex classmate encounters my Halloween '09, to say in the least, was not the best one I have had. Oh well, what can you do. I just don't think you can top the Halloweens from freshman or sophomore year of college when you had to have like 4 or 5 costumes and the parties all involved ice looshes (I know thats not how you spell it but I'm too lazy to figure out the right way) and vodka pulls and kegs on end. No, nothing beats those days I've figured out. I was on campus today to speak with my advisor about the class I am yet to start but need to finish in order to graduate in December. I took a moment to sit in the crib and just reflect. Even the homeless people made me feel nostalgic for college 2005-06. I wanted to grab the young girl in the booth next to me by the cheeks and pull a Billy Madison and tell her to never leave college, never leave college!!! But then the parking ticket on my car when I left the Union reminded me of the things I don't miss, like the bastards at UNL parking and transit.