Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Missy B's

It's been a few days again, sorry about that. Since my last post I have changed drastically. I am now OFFICIALLY a college grad. I had the party and everything but I still just wasn't 100% sure if I did indeed graduate, but then the good ol Norfolk Daily News printed the UNL grads from Norfolk and there was my name, it was glorious. I just feel smarter, I mean, getting a BA from UNL isn't exactly an easy thing, especially an English degree. Geesh I must have studied for at least six finals through out my college career. Six tests in 4 1/2 years isn't exactly easy. But the grad party was fun, thanks everyone who came because they thought it was Kim's party but then also said hello to me, that was nice. It was like having a private cool kid party at the Bar. But the party did make graduating real, which kinda weirded me out, but then when I looked around the Bar I realized almost everyone else there had graduated already, and they all seemed to look like they were having fun. So maybe life doesn't end after college. It just sucks more. College over. It's just a weird thought. But even weirded than college over, is going to a drag bar. And that is exactly where I went the day I graduated. After the party on Friday my family and I headed down to KC to Christmas shop and visit a few relatives. Well, one such relative, took us all to Drag Show on Sunday night. The show took place at a bar called "Missy B's." Dirty Dorothy was the host of the night (a fat man/woman in a skanky dorothy from wizard of oz costume.) And she would introduce each queen as they would come out and sing and dance all over the stage. I think before these queens were queens they were actually all football or basketball players because they were the biggest "women" I had ever seen. And they had the biggest hair and makeup and legs and heels, it was crazy. On this night I chose to wear my wonderfully fake fur coat I got in Chicago and let me tell you, gay men love fake fur. I think I must have gotten a hundred "oh honey that is a fab fur," and "you are too die" and "lovingg that." I felt like the bell of a gay ball.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Christmas is fun.

So I see a lot of interesting things always being on the road driving to schools. Today I saw one of those box looking cars, I think it's called a Scion possibly, and it was all decorated up with stickers and tacky things that said "Patsy's Passion Parties." I think we all know what a passion party is, but below the name it said, "Yes, there are toys in my box." Now, lets just think about this for a bit. Or not. Because there are so many double meanings going on here it makes me feel dirty. A little too much info Patsy, regardless of which meaning you were going for. The other day I saw a van that said "Billy Graham Emergency Response Vehicle." Now for those of you who live under a sadistic rock, Billy Graham is a well known Christian speaker. This makes me wonder, what kind of "emergency" would require Billy Graham's team to respond to? Perhaps the first moment your son tells you he is gay? Thats more of a catholic thing though, really. A teenage pregnant daughter? Pot found in a coat pocket of a child? I dont know, the van just made me chuckle for a moment. And then I went back to being irratated by all of the drivers around me. Sometimes I do feel kinda bad when I flip someone off while Silent Night is playing in the background of my car though, sometimes. But I am just tickeled that Christmas is almost here. I still get kind of scared at the thought of Santa coming into the house, although not scared enough to beg Jade to sleep with me as she often did, it will probably be nice for her to have a husband to protect her from Santa Claus this year, as it was always her younger sister in the past. That's it for now I suppose, I've got a few Christmas errrands yet to run. I actually mean I am going to have a glass of wine, but I thought Christmas errands sounded better.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Tiger's Wood

Okay, thats a terrible pun, I know. But I just had to. What's the count up to now? I think I've seen like 4 women on the Today Show, 5 on Good Morning America, and at least 20 on that white trash fake E! show called Extra. At least Tiger has good taste in women. I especially liked the lady on the Today Show with the jewel on her right cheek bone, she was a little cutie. The only thing she got out of the relationship was "a heart break," as she said. But I bet Tiger helped purchase the cute Baby Phat shoes she was wearing on the show. So apparantly a lot of people are suprised about all of this, and I can see why. I for one was astounded when I heard that a good looking, Professional athlete who travels all around the world had cheated on his wife, not once, but numerous times. Simply shocked. But then I felt better when I heard that Tiger apparantly has some sort of sex-addiction illness. I think in college it's called herpes. But seriously, I think Tiger is gross and I literally get embarassed for him when I read some of the texts he has supposedly sent these trashy women. They could be straight off the website "textsfrom-my13yearoldboyfriend-lastnight.com"
Well it's just about five days away from the big graduation day. I'm still crossing my fingers that everything works out and I get to walk across that stage. And when I say "walk across that stage" I only mean it as a figure of speech as I have chose not to walk given the fact I am simply assuming my hang over level wwill not allow for any such movement before 11 a.m. at the earliest. I only hope to have as much fun as I did at my Norfolk High Graduation day 2005 in which I drank Mikes Hard Lemonade and bought myself some Strawberry Cigarellos to celebrate. And given the fact I hated high school and really only had about two friends I am quite sure I will have just as much fun, probably more.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Garlan roasting on an open fire.

Pretty sure I might be the only peson in the world who thinks yoga is hard. I don't know if it's because I'm not flexible, or my body is akward or what. But the yoga class I went to last night was down right painful. Or maybe it's because I'm catholic. I was that student that the teacher had to come over to about twenty times to pull my hips up or push my head down or flatten my palms. It was humiliating. The pregnant woman next to me could practically balance herself on her fingernail and I couldn't stand on one foot. I also think there was a yoga dictionary I was supposed to read before attending. I mean downward dog, sitting frog, bear log- where in the hell do people come up with these terms? I just watched prego next to me and followed her lead. I hoped that no one beside me could see my entire body shake from some of the positions we were told to hold. But then it got really crazy when the yoga instructor passed out towels and we had to lay down and put them over our eyes. How was I supposed to copy now? I tried to listen to what the teacher said but I just couldn't understand so I just layed there with my hands on my stomach hoping her eyes were covered as well. But then I heard foot steps. And I knew she was coming for me. I started to get real nervous as her steps got closer. So then she comes over and pulls my arms out and tells me to relax and put my palms down. All in all it was a good experience. I just don't feel right about bowing to the yoga God at the end, like I said I'm catholic.
Well on another note I almost burnt down my apartment last night. Sara and I wanted to heighten the Christmas spirit in our apt and burn a fire in our fireplace. So I grabbed the lighter fluid, some printer paper and through it onto the lone log in the fireplace. Keep in the mind the only two people I have ever seen use lighter fluid are my brother and Chris, two people who might fall into a pyro category you might say, so I did as they did and dumped the lighter fluid all over everything. Put the lighter up to the paper and BOOM! a wonderful fire had started. For about three seconds I marveled at what a great job I had done. But then the flames started to jump out and onto the garlan surrounding the fireplace. This didnt seem right to me. Then the alarms went off. Then Sara came running over and I just stood there watching.
"Grab water!" Sara screamed.
So grabbing a halloween candy bowl from a drawer, I filled it with water and Sara and I frantically worked to put the fire out. The whole ordeal was probably only 45 seconds, but to Sara and I it felt like a life time. Luckily, the black wall, which Sara proclaimed to be burning on the inside, only turned out to be smoke which washed off quite easily. We did unfortunately lose our pretty garlan as it melted quite horribly. But no more chestnuts, no more fire. At least not without first opening the chimney in the fireplace.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

First snow in KC.

Today I attended my first cycling class. I arrived 15 minutes early to make sure I wouldn't have to be in the first row as I was a little nervous. I chose a bike in the second row, pretty close to the wall. I didn't want to go to the very back because I was pretty excited about the screens that came down from the ceiling that displayed different terrains that it felt like you were riding through (or they were supposed to anyway) So the room starts filling up and every one grabs a bike in the third and fourth row. Shit, I'm suddenly in the front row. And the people behind me all have those creepy bike riding shoes on. Once again I feel completely out of my element. Anyway, the class starts and I keep up pretty well. But about half way through I think to myself, wow, I really hate cycling class. My butt hurts, and not my butt muscles, but like my butt bone or something. I think I need those padded biker shorts. So I don't want to say I left my firct cycling class early... But I left my first class early.
The first thing the teacher tells me today at the school I spoke at was,
"I just wanted to let you know that harldy any of these kids want to go to college, and most of them are illegal."
Come again? What in the hell kinda crap does a student have to do to make it illegal for them to attend high school? I didn't even know this was possible. I started getting really paranoid thinking about what they might have done for the law to say they can't come to school. But then I think the teacher saw the fear on my face and better explained herself,
"I mean the students are mostly from Mexico."
Ohhhh. Well that makes a little more sense. So I learned today that illegal students can't get financial aid for college, so they don't go, instead they reproduce more illegal aliens that cant go to school and the cycle continues. But after being in Cabo for an entire week I can't figure out why all the mexicans keep sneaking in here. I mean they got it made down there. I could definitely see myself living a life where I get to eat beans and drink Corona for breakfast, then maybe head down to the beach where I sell ponchos and sparkly cowboy hats to the tourists, maybe a chiklet or two. Who needs financial aid when you can sell silver bracelets for $1 a piece?

Monday, December 7, 2009

ZHuu Zhuuuss

Man, how bout that game on Saturday. That was just too sad. I was so distraught by it all that I came home and began emotionally eating to make myself feel better. It didn't help that I was a teeny bit tipsy, either. In my "tipsyness" I accidentally devoured some bean dip that was at least a month old. I knew it was old, too, that is the gross part. I was so embarrassed of myself the next morning that I layed in bed for an hour trying to conjour up some sort of excuse to explain to Sara who ate the ancient, molding bean dip. I tried to think of a way that Izzy (a two pound yorkie) could have managed to open the fridge door, climb up to the second shelf and open the container.No such luck. So back to the gym I had to go. I think I like people watching at Life Time more than I actually like working out. Hell, what am I saying "I think" for? I know that is what I like the best, I hate to work out. There are some damn good looking forty year old women. Well, some of them are butter faces. But I can tell these women certainly don't have jobs because their bodies require at least four hours of cardio a day. Probs even twice a day. They strut around in spandex tiny shorts, and little bra tank top thingys. Ya, seeing someone 20 years older who is in ten times better shape doesn't do too much for the ol' confidence level.
So on the news tonight they were talking about the hottest christmas gift for kids, I thought it was a joke at first. The toy is called a Zhu-Zhu and it's just a mechanical hamster. Are you kidding me? Just buy the real thing, aren't hamsters like fifty cents or something? Isn't owning a real hamster like a right of passage all kids have to go through before moving on to a dog or a cat? Kids are so technical these days even their pets require batteries? That's just disgusting to me. I mean at least the gifts we got when we were little that were fake pets were truly fake pets, unless Furbys truly do exist as I have always secretly thought...
Well... graduation is just around the corner. Kim and I are having a little party at the Bar, Friday Dec 18th. Please feel free to stop by. And if you do, come talk to me. Because when I say "Kim and I are having a party" I actually mean just Kim pretty much. Sadyly, my invite list is pretty bleak. And I'm pretty sure the whole city of Lincoln will come to see Kim. I'm not throwing a pity party, honestly, I'm just saying I am so pathetic I have no one to invite.

Friday, December 4, 2009

Gym -ristocRats

I've decided I will most likely have a heart attack by the time I am 25. I am far too of an aggressive driver to have the job I have in which I spend at least an hour every day in the car, in traffic, I might add. I can literally feel my blood pressure rise when a car cuts me off, or is driving 10 miles below the speed limit, or even worse, this is my huge pet peeve that cars do- I absolutely flip a gasket when there is construction and it is clearly marked that say, the left lane is closed ahead, and so the right lane is basically at a stand still, but yet some asshole cars continue to speed all the way to the front in the left lane and then find a way to but in. Some of you who have driven with me are probably thinking that I, myself, am guilty of this. I'll admit, I drive a tad too long in the left lane, but I certainly do not go all the way to the front and expect other cars to let me in. I mean when I am not moving in the right lane and car after car continues to speed by me I just want to know why those cars think they are that much more important that they don't have to wait in line? What are their jobs they have to get to? What could be more important than making Jicama salsa for high school students while making their dreams come true? Nothing. Not a damn thing. That lime green Geo that managed to fanaggle his way ahead of me better have had a red cooler with a kindey in it for God's sake the way he cut me off today. I have to stop talking about this because I am getting pissed all over again.
New subject- I worked out...again! Two days in a row, I can already feel a workout-arexia disorder coming on. I didn't trip on the tread mill or drop a weight or anything. I did notice my work out pants that I found in the back of my drawer seemed to be a little better fit for a gym in Louisianna given the fact they only went to my ankles (too soon for a Katrina flood joke?... I didn't think so either. ) Everyone at this gym looks like they are a walking Scheels ad, the men and women have matching tops and bottoms and head bands and wrist bands and water bottles and I am obviously not a part of their elite club. I mean back at the Norfolk YMCA you were good to go as long as you weren't in cut off jean shorts and birkenstocks. I am a little out of my element with these fancy Johnson county residents. Even the toddler work out group I stumbled upon today was dressed better than me. I'll probs just buy some white t's and draw a big swoosh on them or something. It will look retro I bet.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Back to reality.

I do this annoying thing whenver I get home from a vacation where I can't help but think "last week at this time I was doing...." And my mind constantly goes back to the vacation and I get all bummed out thinking about how just a short time ago I was laying by the pool drinking a pina colada. Ugh depressing. Even more depressing is the fact that I forced myself to join a gym the day I got back to Kansas City due to the fact I thought it was the best idea to order refried beans with literally every meal, and I ususally had about five meals a day. It's not a good sign when leggins fit too tight and leave imprints on where a waist should be. So I joined Lifetime yesterday. I took the tour and got very excited about everything, I had to go home to let Izzy out but I assured the man who showed me around that I would be back later to work out... Well then I just got too comfortable on the couch and it was cold and my ipod was low on battery so it just didn't work out.But I went today. I was kind of nervous because the only gyms I have ever been to were the Rec and the Norfolk YMCA. And Liftime looked nothing like the two. I started with the tread mill, but then my towel fell off and tripped me so I got embarrassed and moved to the free weights. Too many guys on free weights so I went to the core building area. I watched the other girls around me and tried to copy some of the lifts they were doing. One girl was doing those step up things on a tall box, so I thought I would try doing those too. There were no more sturdy boxes so I figured a stabilty ball with a flat bottom and rounded top would work just as well. It didn't. On my first step up I rolled my ankle and fell off. A personal training was watching and told me I should be careful and just stick to the floor. About this time I decided my work out was done. I got tempted to sit in the steam sauna but there was a sign on the door that said one must be wearing either a swim suit or a towel. So did that mean no work out clothes? Or was the sign simply for those wrinkly old women who liked to sit ass naked? I thought about sitting in my bra and underwear with a towel but I got too shy and said screw it. As I was heading out I noticed the cafe smelled delicious. Just a little browse through couldn't hurt. Next thing I know I'm walking out with a big smoothie. Those damn Lifetime people are smart to put the food right on the way out. I bet my smoothie cancelled out my entire "work out." I think tomorrow I might try a rock climbing class. Or perhaps join a raquet ball league.
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