Saturday, February 27, 2010

Spring Break. 2000Never.

So I haven't been feeling incredibly bloggy as of late. I don't know why, but I've been missing that jump in my step, I found it difficult to even find a way to insult or belittle the highschoolers I spoke to on Thursday. It was weird. And even as I told the teacher that I had to use the restroom in between class periods and she proceeded to let me use the daycare restroom next to her room (real classy schools have daycares for the students babies) and I was forced to sit on a toilet intended for five years olds, and the door didn't lock because of child safety rules, I once again was left speechless to the situation. A situation that was almost identical to an Office episode from just a couple of weeks ago. But nothing. My smart ass little mind was simply shut off. I blamed it on the winter blues. I suffer during the months of January and February as my skin becomes transparent and flaky, and my hair breaks at the ends or sticks up all over the place thanks to static. I tried to put on jeanshorts just to wear around the house to make me feel better- but they didn't fit... So I figured out my real problem. And its Spring Break, or lack there of. This is the first time since 2006 that I am not packing up soon to go somewhere great. All of you college grads you know what I am saying and damn it it's hard. And pretty ridiculous, actually. What in the hell do college kids need a break from? Here- lets all take a break from drinking simply to go drink even more somewhere else. The idea that college kids need a break from something is one of the most preposterous ideas ever. Who ever conjured the notion to give them a break as opposed to us hard working real world'ers is a real asshole. So if you college kids don't stop posting on FB things such as:
"SB here I come! Ten more days"
"Swimsuits just arrived in the mail WOo HOO!"
"Margaritas and hot weather can't come soon enough!"
"I can't wait to be a sloppy slut and not get judged!"
Ok, I made up that last one, but let's be real honest, I can read between the lines here you little skanky freshman. If you don't stop posting I might have to give up the one thing I have going for me right now and that is FB stalking. Don't do that to me. Not in my hardest hour. Because you know who depression hurts? Everyone. And Symbalta doesn't help. So my dog will just continue to sit on my bed because I can't wind myself up for the day.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Bachelor Edition: Girls Tell Nothing but instead bitch at prettiest girl in group.

I agree with the rest of the world that Rosaline is simply a trashy, skanky woman regarding how she started having a relationship with the producer guy. I mean what kind of girl goes on a reality TV show and meets a complete strange man and then starts to hook up with him? It's just ridiculous. I mean have a little respect for the Bachelor series, this is not what they are all about. No, no wait, come to think about it this is exactly the reason women go on the Bachelor. So tell me again what the problem is? For all we know the producer is a bachelor, as well. Although Rosaline said he might have had a wife, key word HAD, I'm gonna guess that is over now. So what if Producer wasn't thee Bachelor, he might have still been a bachelor. So I'm assuming the problem lies in the fact that Ros was kinda two timing Jake. And nobody who has any class would ever date more than one person at a time, yes, that must be what everyone is so upset about...
So let's all stop complaining (rat girl I'm talking to you) and give Ros her own show already. I'd watch. Forget Gia and Ali, I want to see Ros as the new Bachelorette. First of all she is gorgeous, which might be a problem actually when thinking about Bachelorettes of the past (Jillian/Dayana?) and second of all she is fiesty. I think Chris Harrison shit his pants when she said to him,
"He wasn't aware you guys were friends, especially when you were flirting with his wife in New Zealand." Ohhh snap. Harrison had nothing to say except the standard pansy response-
"Well clearly I am not going to dignify that question with a response." Perhaps that is because you don't have a response Mr. Harrison.
I would like to know why everyone is on Team V all of the sudden? Who in the hell cares if the tabloids are trashing her- trash attracts trash, it's pretty simple. And now that it seems pretty clear that he does indeed choose V, I would like to know where poor little Tynny pooh is hiding out? I hope it's either Disney World or a psych ward because I have a bad feeling her little heart/brain is not prepared for another heart break. She could be reaching for the Vodka and Flinstone Vitamins real soon if we're not careful. Then again- this might all be a part of sneaky ABC's master plan to fool everyone. In the end Jake might actually choose Tyn, V chooses Dad and Chris Harrison chooses asian girl who says "you can land on my landing strip anytime." Who really knows...
I just hope that whatever the outcome Jake's heart will never have to cry again. We'll just keep wathcing THIS SEASON ON THE BACHELOR.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

It is what it is.

I sometimes wonder what the workers at Lazarri's think of me when I wander in there all alone around 11:30 or midnight and order two slices of pizza and proceed to eat them both before even sitting down. But then I just remember where I am- Lincoln, and know its completely acceptable, even normal actually. It's normal in Lincoln to spend the night in a bar and wake up the next day only to start your shift there while still drunk from the previous night, not that this happened to anyone I know... It sure didn't happen to the same girl who just a few months ago had to call the Fire Dept because she got her arm stuck in a couch... It's normal in Lincoln for a 24year old guy to end his night by walking around the Bar in size small boyshort style underwear with "The Bar" printed across the butt. But these people certainly are not people I know, or rather related to me even. It's all just a part of a normal weekend in the quiet college town that is Lincoln. I blame the shenanigans that occur in Lincoln on the price of drinks. Sure $1 drinks sound like a good idea, but that's just asking for trouble. I mean 50cent beers is simply ridiculous. Downtown is becoming the new house party. And it's scaring me. At least back in the day of house parties you had the secure feeling of of knowing it was just your friends that saw you in your worst hour- but when you're at a bar the possibilities of embarrassing encounters and sober judging eyes are endless. Well unless you're at the Rail or the Bar, no sober eyes are at these two spots. And pretty much no strangers, either. There is a reason people either absolutely love or hate these places. Its simple- you pretty much fall into one of two categories, you either know just about everyone there, or you know no one-so then you go to Brothers, the Old Navy of downtown. It is what it is. The thought of O street without sloppy bars makes me think of house parties without the legacy that was known as WEST O party house. Freshman and sophomore year would have not have been what it was if not for that little piece of heaven barely outside of city limits. A place that had a VIP section in the upstairs living room with its own keg, a place where it was normal to sit in the filthiest hot tub in the world during the middle of a party, it was a place where all were welcome. Fratties obvs, athletes, some pro even, some simply recruits, GDI's, it didn't matter. West O welcomed you with open arms- and ice luges.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Me vs. UNL

Council Bluffs is Jersey’s freckled inbred cousin. I’ve spent more time in CB this year than most people do in their whole life. And I’m tired of it. I’m tired of talking in front of either overly rowdy- or painfully awkward teens who literally sleep while I talk, regardless they all lack any social decency and manners. And today when The Situation Jr. threw a love note at me while I was speaking I wished I was in Jersey. Because in Jersey I would have punched him in the face and then spit on him and pulled his greasy hair and no one would have thought anything of it. Unfortunately, I didn’t not have that novelty. So I just threw the note back. I need a new job, people aren’t supposed to deal with this shit in their “professional life.” But I can’t just quit this job because I have student loans to pay back. It’s all very ironic to me, I took out student loans to go to school, I went to school to get a job, I have my job to pay off student loans, I have loans because I went to school. I feel like I’m stuck in that Kaplan University commercial. It’s messed up is what it is. I studied for four and half years, wrote countless papers, took a few tests, all for what? To be qualified to have a job where I cater to high school students? No thank you. I am approaching my breaking point with these damn dirty teens. In the meantime I am considering suing the University. They told me, in writing I might add, that I needed 9 credits to graduate. One month before graduation I get a note in the mail saying I only need to complete 6 of the 9 credits I was enrolled in to graduate. Really? Did they think I paid about $587 for 3 credits simply for fun? Because I wanted to go out with a bang and take one more class as pure entertainment? Naturally, I dropped the 3 credits I didn’t need- why would I waste any more time on an unnecessary class? So the other day I was on the treadmill listening to Eminem getting all pissed off at the world when I decided to call up the damn University and tell them I wanted my money back for those three credits. Yes, I should have done this back in November, but I didn’t. And I’ve decided it’s not too late. They’re “looking into it,” they said. I told them to look into it by Friday or my lawyer will begin looking into it. So if anyone knows a lawyer who wants to take on a case vs the University give me a call. I will pay them in free Culinary give-aways like bags, pencils and pastry brushes.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Tiger's tramps.

Today while running (walking) on the treadmill I found myself glued to Olympic coverage. Although womens cross country skiing is not the most exciting event to watch, I still found it a bit entertaining. I glanced away for a mere second and the sport had changed from skiing to some sort of gun shooting event. I found it a bit odd, but watched anyway. Then boom back to skiing, at this point I really started to get confused. Well then I figured it out, this skiing/shooting was the same event. Call me crazy but this seems like the weirdest excuse for an Olympic event ever. I started to wonder how one gets into such an event. Like does a 8 year old little girl just one day decide she wants to be the best damn long distance skiier/gun shooter ever? And don't tell me the mountain Iraqi women don't have an a huge advantage in this event, it's not even a sport for them, it's more like their daily trek to the village. It just doesn't seem fair. Same goes for the Russians, I bet. I mean you can't just go around combining different sports and declaring it the newest thing for the Olympics. Where does one draw the line? Winter Olympics 2014 will feature Snowboarding/darts and the ice skating will become figureskating/pool playing. I have a sneaking suspicion someone on the Olympic board owns a bar.
So after tiring of the Billiard Olympics I switched my focus to the TV covering one of Tiger's hookers who claims she had become pregnant by Tiger a few times. She claimed she chose to abort and never tell Tiger because "she didn't want to ruin anything for him." So you're telling me a stripper purposely chose to abort the cub of a multi million dollar sports athlete and keep it all mum? Ya. We alllll believe that. Trapping Tiger would have been your worst nightmare,I'm sure. She feels she's been betrayed by Tiger because he said she was the only girl for him, besides Elin, of course. Looks like someone got upset their five seconds of fame was more like 2 seconds. I'm waiting for VH1 to give all of Tiger's girls their own reality show, it could be called Tigers Tramps.

Monday, February 15, 2010

Bachelor Edition #7

Probably the only thing I took out of this episode is the fact that I really want to go to St. Lucia, or anywhere warm really, is all I ask. Sadly, little jersey girl Gia, who is rumored to actually be named GINA, was sent home. After a lot of giggling and flirting and Pilot Jake attempting to dance to the beat of a street musician he sent Gina packing. Good for Jake I suppose, he's obviously not really into looks. I was pleasantly surprised at the way Gina handled herself when she was sent home, very polite and classy, but then she had to go and do the whole, "I shouldn't even be surprised, this always happens to me. My heart is always breaking boo whooo whooo." Gia go date Ronnie, I'm pretty sure he and Sammy Sweetheart are broken up. Did anyone else notice that it appeared as if Gina had walked through a mist tent right before she sat down for her good bye sesh with Jake?
Big shocker, Ali calls to say she wants to come back. She said once back at home she simply can't stop thinking about Jakey Wakey, but what I didn't understand is why when she was supposedly "back at home," she was filmed moping around a hotel room dressed in a hotel bath robe. So she lives in a hotel? Because if that's the case no wonder she is lonely, you can't live in a hotel for your life, ask Lohan- it just never works out. Jake says no, because he is in Loooove with V.
V.... I'm going to be catty once again and ask why V only brought one swimsuit along with her? Everytime a swimsuit is necessary she is filmed wearing the nasty green thing, I feel like when you know you are going to be on TV wearing a bikini more than once, well that might one of those times you are allowed to splurge and buy an extra swimsuit or two. Hell go to Target even, I'm sure daddy would give you $20 to buy a few.
And now little Tyn Tyn. Between Tynny pot and Jakey poo I think I heard the word "special" exchanged about 74 times. And then they danced. They danced the night away, but Jake does not just lead on the dance floor, he is going to lead Tynley in life, as well. I think they are a perfect couple, but if rumors are true Jake is going to go with his nasty side and choose the dirty V. At which point I think I have found the perfect husband for Tynley. I would like for her to marry a Duggar. I don't care which one, but there has got to be one close to her age, with 18, excuse me 19 kids, odds are in her favor. But back to Jake for a second, little Tyn needs to stop believing everything guys tell her, Jake said,
"I want a woman that will decide on a Sunday to go to the Caymen Islands with me and we just pick up and go."
Her little eyes lit up like a beaten wife who realizes her husband has drank himself to death. Tyn, he's lying! I will bet 5 cats that said situation will never occur! Like ever.
I just can't bring myself to accept the fact Jakey might choose Vageegee. It's just gross, I know Jake is cheesey and corny and makes me gag, but I still want what is best for him in life. Then again nothing is ever set in stone, Jake could always pull a .... Martin? Shoot what was that last pansy bachelor with the son who switched his mind after everything? Jassson. Yes, Jake could be the next Jason who knows.
I guess only time will tell THIS SEASON ON THE BACHELOR.

Heart Day

What a delightful Valentines weekend 2010 I had. Chris and I had a great dinner, and good wine and then he even managed to drag me to the movie Valentines Day. I didn't initially want to go, but I felt bad because I knew he had been dying to see this movie so I obliged. It was a typical corny romantic comedy, but I thought it was cute. Of course I practically had to close my eyes when Theresa Swift was on camera, I prefer to address her by a name other than my own. She was painfully bad at acting, she got some laughs but only because she over acted her role of ditzy popular high school girl so much it kinda seemed like she was trying to act bad on purpose. But I know she wasn't. My fav couple of the movie was for sure Bradley Cooper and Eric Dane (McSteamy). If two men could procreate together I would pay millions of dollars for one of their babies.
So in reflecting back on Valentines past I have really made great strides. I didn't exactly approach this holiday on the right foot from a very young age, I believe it was 1st grade when I became fed up with the fact that Valentine Cards were only available with lovey dovey sayings on them so the night before Valentine pass out day at school I took it upon myself to use a Sharpie Marker to black out every single phrase I felt might give a fellow classmate the wrong impression. Freshman year Kate and Kim and I revolted by eating massive amounts of heart shaped jello shots and listening to a CD I had made consisting of songs like Love Stinks, Highway to Hell and Love Hurts. Finally I had Chris for Valentines day on junior year, but it just so happened he was thousands of miles away in Europe... So on this night I celebrated/mourned by eating a very large heart shaped chocolate chip cookie Kim had made and mistakingly told me was sitting in her closet- I believe it was equal to about a dozen cookies. My stomach still hurts when I think about that moment.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Winter Olympics 2010

One of my biggest regrets in life is not being an Olympic athlete. A mere 14 years ago I made the choice to start training for the Summer Olympics, this decision was in 1996- I figured I would be good to go by the summer games in 2008. I was inspired by the obvious idols like Dominque Dawes, Shannon Miller (she was kinda a buff tho) that little cutie Dominque Moocheeeyannno and of course Keri Strug, which thanks to her I practiced landing a cartwheel on one foot for years to come. I don't know where I got sidetracked but here I am 14 years later and guess what is not hanging above my bed as I assumed it would be by now... my Olympic gold medal!! I had the best floor routine too, it was going to be to No Diggity, a mixture of hip hop and gymnastics.
But back to Vancouver. I cancelled all of my social plans last night, like invites for party buses, VIP at P&L, the usual stuff, to watch the opening ceremonies. Well it certainly wasn't like Beijing I'll just say that. But I'm not the only one saying it. And those Candadians are pretty damn defensive about their ceremony I've noticed. I keep hearing stuff like,
"Well we weren't trying to be like Beijing, we wanted something different."
"We wanted a low key thing, nothing too showy."
"We didn't want anything over the top!"
Ok we get it! No need to make up excuses, just own it already. Geesh. I mean after some major errors and the torch was failing to be lit, which some might say is the whole point of the ceremony, I think someone just went up there with some lighter fluid and matches to get the thing going- talk about low key. It's a snowboarding event, I'm sure matches and lighters weren't exactly hard to find.
How sad about that one poor athlete who died in a practice run. I heard it on the news and I was kind of angry at first because I thought the people were being pretty insensitive the way they kept referring to him as an Olympic loser. This man just died for God's sake, and all they care about is the fact he "lost" as they openly called him a loser. Turns out they were saying LUGER. Sounded like loser. I have a good feeling the lugers are going to be drawing straws to decide who has to go down that run first.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Just shooting the shit

We all know my feelings about Taylor Swift. So it should come as no surprise that I get quite annoyed when teachers introduce me to their students as "This is Taylor Swift from the Culinary School." This happens at least once a week. The first time it was kinda funny, the second time I faked a giggle, and by the third I gave the evil eye. Regardless of the type of class I am speaking to, or the high school I happen to be at for the day, or even the sex of the teacher they all have the same reaction. They realise their mistake, as do the students, and the room erupts with laughter. And I don't understand why the confusion happens to be so damn funny. As if the thought of someone confusing the two of us is the most bizarre ridiculous thing in the world. The teacher usually tries to cover up by saying something like,
"Oh wouldn't that be something, if she were actually the one here today." And what in the hell is that supposed to mean I want to ask.
"Well I'm sorry to disappoint, but you just have me today."
And then I start my boring old presentation blah blah blah. Sorry I forgot to bring in my stupid guitar so I could entertain all of you with pathetic love songs about older boys who dont want to date me because I'm 15 and will believe anything and hate the popular pretty girls. Ridic. I bet my middle eastern bread salad I am currently making for the little snots is ten times better than anything Swifty could make.
So on another note- I've learned that if I ever really want to get a highschooler's attention and get them thinking I'm really cool all I have to do is "accidentally" let a swear word slip. I'm not talking anything terrible, just like a little "shit" or "damn" here and there. I don't know why it is, but for some reason their little 16 year old eyes just light up when this happens to occurr. It's almost as if it causes a tiny little bond to form, and then they look at me with the look of secrecy that says "don't worry, we won't tell our teacher." And the whole time I'm thinking I could give a shit if you tell your teacher, no pun intended. But little do these kids know that I have had the unfortunate opportunity to have to sit in the room with their teachers over lunch break and let me tell you, highschool teachers make Sailors look like mormons.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Bachelor Edition #6

Right about now I'm wondering why on earth any man would agree to be on the Bachelor knowing that at some point he is going to have to meet/talk/kiss ass to four sets of parents and one dead grandmother. Speaking of, did anyone else think they saw Grandma standing in the window she was known to always stand in? Still not sure how I feel about Ali taking Jake on a tour of her deceased grandmother's empty house because she wanted him to "meet her." Like I've said all along though, Ali has special powers, which I am now starting to see she inherited from gma. I was honestly thinking that when Ali came into Jake's room at the end crying it was because her Grandma had told her Jake wasn't right for her or something and now she knew she had to kill him. That whole work dilemma was such a lie. What's her job anyway, wasn't she like a bartender? Was it really necessary to sob in the hotel hallway sitting Native American style?
Gia's family was as I expected, although I was surprised to see her mother was Kelly Cutrone and her brother was Andy Dick Jersey Shore styley. I do think Gia gets prettier every episode, and also a bit dumber, as well. I thought it was cute how she said one of her favorite things to do "is to sit on a stoop and watch taxis drive by." You know who else loves to do that? Dogs.
Now to little cuddle bug Tynley. Well she made up a dance for Jake, which she said was a gift to him. I am starting to understand more and more why her ex husband left her after a few months. I'd be pissed too if someone tried to give me a "dance" as a present. All seriousness, Tynely is still going to be the future Ms. Jake, or perhaps Jake is going to be Mr. Tynley, I'm still unsure with their girly little relationship who will wear the skirt. Note to mom though, never tell a guy you are hoping will propose to your daughter that she will "continue to have emotional spill overs for quite a while." That would send me to the woods as fast as anything. But then again, that was probs music to Pilot Jakey's ears. How cute was it when Tyn's dad and Jake cried and giggled together, so priceless.
Meanwhile down in the Bayou ol Dirty V is right in her element proving to be quite the River Rat. I should have known by that knappy brassy hair of hers she was either from one of two places, and since I had never seen her in Norfolk, she was clearly a product of the swamplands. I do think that it is pretty selfish of V to want to marry Jake when she is clearly already involved in a great relationship with another man. And hell, incest schmincest, V and her dad are a good match. I could tell by the way they embraced and wiped eachothers tears that they are truly meant to be. And after seeing V's upbringing I think we all know that the "numerous cars" she claimed her dad had bought her were more than likely very flashy turquoise convertible Cavaliers, maybe a mustang if he really felt like splurging, license plate reading "ddysprnces," "spnkmeddy" might be too controversial.
And now the rose ceremony. Will Ali choose work? Won't she? Will she??? Touche Ali, touche. Very clever strategy, milking all the camera time you can get... Not to mention trying to make Jake feel as if the ball is in your court. Gma definitely helped connive this one. But make your damn decision already, this back and fourth pout scene has gone on far too long. Over it. By the end of it all I can barely understand her pathetic little explanation because she sounds like a whiney little piglet. And then she drops the bomb. Hmmm. I didn't see that coming. And I don't trust it damn it. Not one bit. We'll see more of her, I am sure of it. This is just the seed of Ali's master plan, we'll find out THIS SEASON ON THE BACHELOR.

Monday, February 8, 2010

Teen Mom

Today I found myself back in the great town that is known as Council Bluffington. But I wasn't at just any highschool, I happened to be at the very high school Farrah attended last year. Farrah (one of the many classy young girls on MTV's Teen Mom) walked the very halls I found myself walking today. It was quite the feeling, everywhere I looked I couldn't help but think, Farrah was here, in this very place, she ate in the lunch room I walked by full of jersey clad WT boys and Baby Phat girls, she probably spent many hours in the nurse's office I had to pass in order to get to the FACs room . If only I had pretended to graduate college just a year earlier I could have taught culinary to Farrah's class!! Culinary Arts in one of her many passions. I was walking among her former classmates, and am pretty sure I saw the teacher responsible for Farrah's presence on 16 and Pregnant, well I'm not implying it was a teacher, I'm just saying there has got to be a reason her baby daddy is never mentioned, and a certain History teacher looked a lot like baby Sophia... Anyway, as I was lost in my dream of meeting Farrah I didn't realise I had stupidly began to pull my cooler down a large set of stairs, next thing I know the lid flys off and I lose grip of the handle and my cooler proceeds to roll down the stairs (on it's side) spilling out lettuce and cucumbers and Roma tomatoes and Feta cheese everywhere. It was pretty awful. I tried to gather it all together as quickly as I could and retreat into the safety of the FACs room. But as soon as I busted through the doorway I realised I had just walked into an even worse situation. Teachers on lunch break. Small talk, small talk, fake laugh, small talk, fake laugh, pretend to look through bag, and more small talk-I'd do anything to escape this ..... I'm usually so good at avoiding this awkward situation, but after the commotion of the cooler spill I foolishly entered without even glancing through the small window to make myself aware of my surroudings. Foolishness. Pure foolishness.

Friday, February 5, 2010

Friday friday friday

Pretty sure I just witnessed FB stalking at its best. So I have a break between classes so I am sitting at Starbucks just wasting time sending emails, checking FB, the usual. I am seated at a table pretty close to the check out, so I’ve also been doing a little eavesdropping (not on purpose people just talk loud.) This stumpy little nugget man orders a drink, not like a cute Chuy nugget, more like a molester nugget who just looks shorer because he’s so round. Anyway, the little Starbucks girl takes his order (she’s about 19 I’m assuming.) Nugget man is making awkward small talk, trying to flirt I think, and then he says to the girl,
“Wait a second, I think I recognize you.” Typicalllllll.
She replies, “oh really? How?”
He then goes on to do the whole “Did you graduate from blah blah in blah blah? Blah blah blah.”
She says yes, and then he tells her that his “little brother” graduated with her. It gets better.
“I think you might eveb be my Facebook friend.” He says.
She just kinda laughs uncomfortably, mean while, I am just dying, can’t believe I am so lucky to witness something so incredibly painful. He then walks to the table he is sitting at, grabs his computer and goes back up to the counter to search her name while she watches!!!! And sure enough, she comes up!! I think he starts to see by her reaction that perhaps he is a second away from having to register as a sex offender and be banned from all elementary schools for the rest of his life because he quickly makes up a terrible excuse,
“Ya, this is weird. I dunno, my brother like used my computer for a long time and basically used my account to add a bunch of people. I’m still trying to filter through all of them. But, I don’t know how to search everyone he added, so I only delete you know, if like they pop up or something.” Just stop, I want say, you are only making it worse.
And nugget just started to talk to me…. Wow- as I was writing about him he came up to chat. He saw the cover on my computer and wanted to talk about the Culinary School, asked if we were, “one of those chain schools.” Then wanted to know what I was doing here, was I working on a new recipe? Or simply culinary homework…
“All of the above,” I respond.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

The Bell Run.

I really do hate Taylor Swift. I tried to like her, at least in the beginning I honestly was going to give her chance. But she started off on the wrong foot having MY name, I get a little territorial about my name. Now two famous people have ripped off my name, first Paris (I briefly considered a name change in middle school to Paris Taylor before Paris Hilton blew up) and now stupid Taylor Swift. And there is not a lot of people I hate in this world, ok who am I kidding there are a lot, but now T has just been added to my list. As if it wasn't bad enough she was already living one of my dream lifes being a pop star now she has even taken over my fall back career as a greeting card maker. It's just shit. And you know what else is shit? The fact that Taylor has obviously kept the same 50 year old Tennessee hairdresser she started off with back in the 2001's who still thinks the three barrel wave curling iron is the proper way to style hair. News flash Taylor- buy a flat iron and perhaps a few safety pins you can use to pin your eyes open so for a change you don't look like a blonde asian. Whoooaaa. That was a lot of built of fury I just realised. The thing that kills me the most is that Ellen likes Taylor. I mean, I feel like at the very least someone real like Ellen would be able to see through Taylor's fake little I'm So Innocent act. But she doesn't, and I hate it. Whenever I hear Ellen say "I love you Taylor" I pretend she's talking to me. The last thing I am going to say about this girl before I move on is that you have to be the biggest bore to be dumped by a Jonas brother.
Speaking of the JoBro... I hear one of them is dating Selena Gomez. Now that's a girl I could watch for hours. She's a great Disney-created actor if I've ever seen one. That Witches of Waverly Place is a hoot and a half.
Well TGIF for tomorrow that's all I have to say. I've almost made it through yet another week of high school hell. I play this game with myself every day when I finish up and its the last period of the day, I try to end a few minutes early so I don't get caught in the madness of the high school halls and also the dreaded parking lot full of Neons and Cavaliers being driven by angry teens. So if I'm in a room that is far away from the entrance I literally almost run through the halls trying to make it out before the release bell. It's gotten kind of intense, my heart pounds really fast, my blood pressure spikes, and I am usually sweating by the time I get to my car. But if you can imagine I am racing down hallways wearing a hugh chefs jacket, carrying a computer bag, pulling a large cooler in one hand and a pull suitcase in the other. I've tripped myself up many times doing the Bell Run as I prefer to call it, luckily I've only rolled my ankle but a few times. But, I've only been caught by a teacher once, to my knowledge anyway, it was an elderly man and I think the sight of me sprinting down the hallway carrying/pulling all of my junk simply scared the shit out of him because he turned right back around and headed the different direction.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Bachelor Edition #5

This last episode didn't give me much to digest. I guess I am kinda sad Corey is gone, but I think to make up for her place the cameras will just have to film a blank wall for a few minutes and that will probably make up for the lost excitement she added to the show. So let me ponder who is left, Vienna, Gia, Tyn, and Ali. Oh what a mix. Gia is definitely the odd ball of the group. I am assuming Jake left her because he couldn't have only blondes remain. I guess I don't understand why he just doesn't keep all of them. And then they could start a new cast of Big Love, I'd prob watch. Although Jake would have to man up he was going to have four wives, no more girly turtle necks, which not too mention he was wearing when all of the girls were wearing tank tops? And he was in California for Gods sake, its not like it could have been that cold. Pilot Jakey must just get cold pretty easily. Now I'll touch briefly on Vienna, I don't want to be catty about her, buttttt she's pretty much ass ugly. And will you stop referring to Jake as your boyfriend? Because he's not. I can't help but wonder if Jake likes her because she looks a lot like a drag queeny. Then again let's be realistic, I'm sure it's like the producer telling Jake he has to keep her around because everyone loves to hate her so that makes for good tv. I mean I am running out of any other reasons as to why she is still on. I am still convinced Ali is a Grade A crazy and would be the type to slash tires and break windows, Gia is pretty much just confused most of the time and chooses to hide it by constantly flipping her hair and making sure she is always talking with that lithhle lithsp of herths that sounds oh so cute. Tynley will be the one he chooses, and then they will live happily ever after living in Florida where they work at Disney World playing the characters of Cinderella and the prince. It will be great. And then we can all move on, hopefully to the next season. And I have a pretty good feeling about 2011's new Bachelor. John Gosselin. I can just seem him now in all his tiger sparkly Ed Hardy gear at the rose ceremonies. Now that will be a great season to watch, especially when he sees a really hot young girl out one night when he is already on a date with the girls from the show and the cameras catch him hitting on the new girl, who then turns around and John finds out its actually Maddy his teenage daughter! Oh yes, that will be a good show. Until then, I'll just keep watching little girly Jakey blush and giggle and say "so how you doin" before he starts every convo with every girl THIS SEASON ON THE BACHELOR.

Graced by Taylor.

So facebook is blowing up with celebs right now. Or at least look alikes. Man, I didn't know there were so many Britney, Lohan and Megan Fox twins out there. I don't know who started it, or whatever, but youre supposed to change your prof pic to a celeb that you often get told you look like. And I am learning that there are a LOT of beautiful people on facebook. I think it's great, I'm not usually one for FB fads, or at least that's how I act, but I just couldn't help it, I had to partcipate in this fun. Naturally, I had quite a few celebs to choose from, Heidi Klum is too obvious, Giselle is a name I can't spell so I couldn't google a pic, Tyra Banks has put on too much weight... But I finally found one. And at first I was a little shy about it, yes, I was being modest I'll admit it. I mean this woman is FAMOUS. and talented and, well pretty much my long lost twin. Susan Boyle. I know I know, its kinda creepy how similar we look. I just hope people won't judge me because I am comparing myself to her, I mean, not that I judge others for choosing some of the people they have chosen because I do not in anyway. This is just a fun game in the world that is FB.
Like I've said many times before, I have a lot of extra time. So I have began writing notes to any relative I have ever met through out my life pretty much. Just a little "hello how are ya?" So I ordered some personalized stationary, it says Graced by Taylor, my middle name is Grace by the way. Too cute, I know. Anywhos, my mom came to KC and I was very excited to show my new cards to her. She looked at them for a second with kinda a weird look on her face. I just figured she thought I was wasting my money again on stupid stuff. But then she asked if I had something I needed to tell her...Well somehow I didn't realize that the little drawing of the girl on the front is actually a pregnant girl... damn it. I mean I just thought it was like a chubby beer belly or something, I didn't know they were flippin maternity cards. So now every grandma, aunt, and cousin will be recieving a card from me probably today or tomorrow with a pregnant girl on it, with the cute words "Graced by Taylor" below it. Perfect.
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