Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Summa Summa

Oh Summer where have you been all my life? These past few days have been delightful little teasers. I'm itching with summer fever real bad. The only downfall to this weather, (if there is one), is that I feel like I should be outside 24/7 enjoying it, but there is really only so much you can do when you live in apartment complex-and when you have no friends. I hate it that I'm too old to go to a park and swing on the swings alone without getting some awkward glances. Adults either glare at me like I'm a pervert creeping on their kids, or they smile at me sweetly because I'm pretty sure they think I might have special needs or something. Regardless, it's ridiculous, swinging is fun no matter how old you are. It's been my favorite past time for as long as I can remember. And I also don't appreciate it when parents think that just because I'm 22 years old I should have to give up my swing to their four year, think about me for a second, consider my feelings. Chances are it took quite a bit of nerve for me to finally approach the swings knowing the way people look at me for it, but I did it anyway. And now I'm supposed to give my swing to a kid? No, you snooze you lose, your child should have grabbed the swing while it was open.
So I'm pretty excited for Easter this weekend. Mostly for the fact that I don't have to work Friday. I know I have been saying it for a while, but the highschoolers have really pushed me to my limit. Today when I went on my speel about "ask me if you have any questions blah blah blah..." One of the little douches asked me,
"So like how old are you?"
So I said,
"How old are you?"
"Old enough." He responded. Ugh cliche. And gross, and annoying. So pretty loudly, I looked right at him and said,
"Old enough for what exactly?"
Although it was a simple question, I clearly had embarrassed him pretty good. Because he just squirmed in his seat and mumbled a few,
"Ugh, mer, er, der, ugh..."
And that was that. So now I just have to get through tomorrow and Thursday and I am in the clear... And then I'm one day closer to summer, which is basically play time for me. And April will fly by, and then it's May which is my birthday month. So if you see me out between May 1-May 30, you should buy me a drink because I celebrate my birthday for a month. I'm just telling you now so if you see me out in May you don't feel awkward the next day/week or something when you realize the silly mistake you made.

Friday, March 26, 2010

Jacuzzi fun.

Well as it turns out, there are a few perks to being a traveling business woman. For example, last night as I strolled into the ritzy Marriott Courtyard in beautiful Columbia, Missouri I was greeted by a basket of complimentary Otis Spunkmeyer double chunck cookies. They just happen to be my favorite,apparently concierge payed attention to the survey I filled out last weekend, how else do you explain how they knew to serve my favorite cookies? The next thing I know, the man at the front desk informs me that I have been upgraded to a King Deluxe Suite for the night. Not too shabby. At first I was a little weirded out that there was a huge jacuzzi just a foot away from my bed. But then I made the best of the situation and I spent the night relaxing in the large tub with my friends' Michael Scott, Jim & Pim, and Dwight, to name a few. At about 9:00 o'clock I began channel surfing and landed on HBO. But just by landing on the HBO series "Real Sex" for only a second or two, while sitting in a hotel room in a large jacuzzi all alone, made me feel like an incredibly huge creepo so I immediately got out and watched the epic game that was Xavier and K State. It was great because I was on the phone with Chris while watching it and my broadcast was just about 2 seconds ahead of his so he was incredibly annoyed by my screams which revealed when another 3 pointer was made just seconds before he was able to see it.
And now I find myself at one of my wonderful Starbuck breaks in between classes. Although this next class is going to be hell. It is the last class of the day which is always awful, but it's also a Friday, and the kids are on spring break next week. It is only me and my presentation which stands between them and five days of freedom. Dear God this is going to be painful. I have considered skipping out, but I left my projector in the room, so I have to go back. I really shot myself in the foot here, damn it. This is going to be an intense bell run, as well, because I am at least an 8 minute walk from the entrance. And I have to go up two sets of stairs. One minor mistake could be fatal. I am trying to plan how I will be able to carry my cooler and suitcase up 2 sets of stairs all alone, while moving at a sprints pace.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

7 Stages of Grief

Man, today was a long day. I had to give seven presentations, and trust me, that is a lot. Imagine giving the same old song and dance seven times straight through. To give you a visual, just picture me in front of the class riding a unicycle in a chefs coat, juggling knifes with the circus theme song playing. That's what I feel like I am doing, anyway. At the end of the day (which is actually only 1:15 pm) I am just exhausted. But, I have figured out why I am so drained, and it's not just from talking. It's because I now realize that every time I am forced to give a full day's worth of presentations I, without meaning to, go through the seven stages of full force grief.
1. Denial.
On my drive to the school at 6:00 a.m. in the morning I refuse to let myself think about what I have to do. I pretend I am only giving 3 presentations. I tell myself it will be fine, I'll be done in no time. Perhaps I wrote the number of presentations down wrong, I start to convince myself that I truly am only speaking for 3 classes. I even start to dig through my planner because I am so certain I am wrong. No one would expect me to speak to that many classes. The idea of it is simply ridic.
2.Pain.
I find my planner and see that I am indeed scheduled to talk to 7 classes. Oh shit, this is going to be bad. Just the thought of it makes my throat dry up. I start to cringe at the thought of all the teens just staring at me, waiting for me to mess up so they can laugh, just waiting to ask me stupid questions like "can i have your number" and "is this like your job" and "are you still in high school?" My head starts to pound out of premeditated annoyance.
3. Bargaining.
No, no, no, this can't be happening, I can't do this, I won't. I'll tell the teacher I'll do 3 today, and come back for the other 4 tomorrow. I'll tell her I'll give her an entire box of pencils, even some culinary bags if she let's me go early. Or maybe I can fake sick. I'll say I have swine flu again, I know how to fake the symptoms. This is about the time I am turning into the high school parking lot. I weigh my options for about 30 seconds, truly debating if I can just go home and say forget the entire deal.
4.Depression.
Well obviously I can't leave. I have no choice, I have to park in the student lot because the school I am speaking in only has TWO visitor spots which are already taken. This really sucks. In the pouring rain I grab my knife kit, computer bag, cooler, and suit case and begin the awful walk into the school, ready to check in with the friendly office staff who refuse to acknowledge I am standing in front of them until their conversation with the person on the phone regarding what color they are painting their kitchen has come to a full conclusion. Perhaps I should take up cutting, and I'm not talking about Jicamas.
5, Upward Turn.
One presentation down, only 6 to go. The first one didn't go that bad, it was early so most of the kids were sleeping, anyway- no smart asses, yet. The teacher is nice, too, and she laughs at my jokes. Okay, this could be worse. I could be sitting back in my old half-cubicle at Sandhills discussing Tractor motors with prospective clients.
6. Reconstruction.
Four presentations are done. By now I know the attitude of the kids, what works and what doesn't, so I use it to my advantage. I know what clips they like to watch, which jokes they like to hear, and when to play a quick animation so I can grab a drink of water and stop talking for a minute.
7. Acceptance.
I am almost done for the day. But by this point I am almost in a daze. It just feels normal to be riding my unicycle in front of everyone. They say jump, I say how high? This is just my life. I start to think I could even do a few more presentations if the teacher wanted me to. I'm like a machine by this point, smiling on command, and mincing and dicing like its the best thing in the world. But then I snap out of it.... Realizing I have only 1 minute to get clear across the entire school and out of the door before the bell rings. So I begin the bell run, half way out I realize I forgot my Interest Cards, which is basically the whole reason why I go into these classrooms, it's what my job consists of are collecting these cards. Too late though, I can't go back, the sad thing is I really don't even consider it. I would be an awful soldier, I'd leave a man behind any day if it would spare me a traffic jam.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Health care?

So I'm having a nice little morning, drinking my coffee, sending a few emails, watching The Today Show and then who has to interrupt my morning? That SOB Joe Biden. Damn you Biden with your silver hair and horse like smile. I don't want to hear you speak and watch you rub your little boyfriend's back (Obama.) I don't mean to disrespect our President like that, but this health care bill has officially interrupted my life, because it's been 15 minutes and I am missing Hoda and Kathie Lee's special on what's in for spring. I'm not happy about this. How am I supposed to know what sandals or scarves to buy this weekend? Ugh. And if I have to listen to that she-man Pelosi speak one more time I am really going to flip my lid. I have already gone to firepelosi.com and made my contribution. So now Obama is talking about the fact the reform begins today. Eeeek, I gots a bad feeling about this one. I wish I knew more about this, but from what I have gathered it's just another case of people who work hard and make money will just have to continue to support those who do jack ... well jack shit. Now don't curse me if I am being ignorant about this one, because I have felt the backlash of not having health insurance myself (remember my swine flu anyone?) Yup, I was turned away and forced to live with the swiner for about two weeks, but hells, I found a way to survive. And it wasn't by forcing someone else to pay for me. No one forced me to eat bacon, so I knew the kind of health issues I was risking by doing so. You can't have your bacon and eat it too, is what I always say. I hear alot of jibber jabber about socialism creeping its way into our society. Once again, another topic I wish I knew more about, I am really regretting the fact that I sold my edition of Karl Marx "Communist Manifesto" back to the Nebraska Bookstore for $4.00 and a bag of Skittles. Although, that book was about Communism, which is kinda similar to Socialism isn't it? As a history minor, I really don't know enough. Sometimes I think that if I knew as much about our government as I do about reality tv/celebs I would be pretty dang smart. I think VH1 should make a reality show about the U.S. government. Ohhh that could be good, all the draaaama that goes down between Obama and Michelle, and Peloskky and Biden, like who talks smack about who, who is secretly sleeping with who. Bill Clinton could even host it! It could be called The Hill.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Date Night.

What fun St. Louis is. My constant trips to Lincoln have transitioned into trips to St. Louis since Chris's relocation last week. Last night we began with drinks at Chris's new apt, then hit up a very "dark bar" (everything I imagined a St. Louie bar would be) switched to a gay bowling alley where an older man stuffed a $20 bill down Chris's shirt and asked him to come to his shirtless party (Chris was incredibly offended by the man's sexual forwardness so we quickly left) and ended the night at a casino where we all won enough to pay for a nice 5 a.m. breakfast. Needless to say, today/tonight we felt very lazy so we spent the day eating. After going to Shutter Island (don't go to unless you feel like taking up a prescription for Prozac immediately after) we could not think of anything better to than to hit up a late night "snack" at the Melting Pot.
Given the fact it was about 9:30 p.m. the restaurant was pretty empty. One of the only other customers in the place were seated right next to us- Shannon and Darryl. Let me paint you a picture of this wonderful couple. Shannon appears to be in her lower thirties, Vienna style blonde hair, a very classy Ed Hardy be-jeweled sweater, and boots with fur that lace to her knees- a real cute gal. Darryl, is 50ish I think, dressed in light denim jeans and a sky blue striped shirt, I'm assuming purchased at Big & Tall. Did I mention Darryl had to literally pick up his belly in order to fit into the booth? I don't mean to eavesdrop, but when you are in an intimate restuarant, and the people are talking too loud, you really don't have a choice. Their convo is going something like this,
"I mean I just feel like he took advantage of me. I'm a giver, like I can't help it. I just like did everything for him. I set up his cable and phone. And cleaned for him and made his house a home and then he just left me."
"I can honestly tell you, Shannon, I will not do that to you. That's not me at all. I love to take care of my women. And I'm ready to take care of someone. I'm ready to live again, I really am."
So it didn't take long for me to learn we're sitting next to a first date. Chris doesn't pay attention to other peoples convo, but I advised him that this was one of those times he had to try. This was just too good. The more they drank the better it got.
"I like just really want to get involved in a lot of charities and foundations. I just feel like I have so much I want to help." Shannon says as she drinks her appletini and starts to make herself more comfortable by tucking her suede wedge boot under her leg.
"Oh my God I know. You need to google my family. For real, we give so much. You would just be so amazed."
"Hehehe what? Google you? Why? Are you like a big deal? I'm kinda a big deal." Giggle giggle.
"Oh yes, I am a pretty big deal."
"No, I was saying the line from Anchorman."
Note to Shannon, don't quote movies if you have to immediately follow it by saying the movie you quoted. Ugghhh and especially no Ron Burgandy quotes.
"Oh, but really, I am a big deal. I guarantee if you ask anyone in this area over half will know who I am. I have a lot of dough."
So at this point I start to think this is a live sketch comedy act. There is no way this is real, and I am not making this dialogue up, ask Chris. The more they drink the louder he gets.
"I gotta tell you Shannon, I love that Ed Hardy sweater. I really do, it looks awesome girl. You're trouble, I can tell."
"Oh ya? You think I'm trouble? I'm not, I'm innocent, well kinda. Hehehe. And I have a lot more Ed Hardy. I love them, they're just so cute and fresh. Just so fresh and so clean clean. Fresh and so clean clean-" Shannon continues to sing Outkast for a bit longer and then their waiter comes over.
Darryl says he needs to ask the waiter a very "serious question."
"But honestly, tell me the truth I'm (explicative) serious, have you seen a better looking girl in this place tonight than the woman sitting across from me? She's (explicative) gorgeous."
Ummmm rude. I'm sitting right here asshole. The waiter mumbles something, feeling a little akward then comes to our table. So I ask him,
"Hey, I gotta question for you. I'm for real now, have you seen a better looking guy than this one sitting right across from me?"
Okay, that was a lie. But I wanted to say it. But I was scared Darryl would hear me. And by this point Darryl is drunk, and his F bombs are coming much more often, and he is also being quite rude to the staff. It's clear that this might be one of the few nights in this new relationship that Shannon will not find herself getting beat by Darryl's fast knuckles. Now it's time to pay, and rich ol Darryl uses a GIFT CARD! Great idea Darryl, take a first date to a place you already have it covered. Unfortunately for Darryl the card is empty!!! He's pissed, drops a few unessary refrences to "who he is," and reluctantly pays with a different card. By this time Chris and I are finished, as well, and reluctantly leave the Melting Pot leaving behind the flourishing relationship that is Shannon and Darryl. My only hope is that Shannon does not get her heart broken once again. Or her nose.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Dancing with the _____

Dancing with the Stars seems to be getting more hype than usual. I use the term "stars" lightly, I might add. I think a more appropriate title for this show would be "Dancing with C-list Reality Has-Beens with the exception of a few talented people i.e. Erin Andrews." I guess that just isn't as catchy though. Kate Gosselin, why would we deem her a star? Because she is one of the few humans who has given birth to a litter and survived it? Kate is seriously famous for the doing the same thing that cats and dogs do on a regular basis, why don't we give them their own reality show? I'll tell you why, because mama cats just don't leave their 8 babies behind to spend hours every day training to ball room dance. I mean, c'mon Kate, do you not realize that the question is no longer which of your children will be into drugs, but is now who will start first- if they haven't already? Did you not learn anything from the recent death of Cory Haim-RIP? I don't want to make accusations, but I did notice that Joel's eyes have been looking extra glassy lately in the mag photos. WWMDD? What Would Mama Duggar Do? Not another show Kate. Now go get the GoDo back (Gosselin Do) and go back to being a mother.
Jake Pavelka- another non star, famous for being the only 35 year old man in this country who was single, not by choice, because he claimed he has been dying to be married but has been unable to do so. I smell something fishhhhy, and I'm not just talking about V. His story will come out soon. I can feel it.
Ok, then we throw in some B list actors, singers, an athlete, same old story, but at least these people have done something. I do think that Erin is above all of this, I'm excited to watch her, but also ashamed she agreed to bring herself to this level. I know she is super insecure right now with those videos of her streaming the internet, but this is no way to go about reboosting her confidence. I've decided I'm not going to watch until Snooky is a contestant.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Luck of the Ireeeesh

This is my favorite time of my day. The time when I have an hour or two in between classes and so I get to find a cozy little Starbucks and slowly sip on Latte and reflect on the mornings events. I can sit and think (judge) everything I have encountered thus far in my day, and it’s only 11:00 a.m. Have you ever tried to give a presentation to thirty teenagers who are all talking and could absolutely care less to a word you are saying? It might be on of the most frustrating/hardest things I have ever done. I never knew how awful it is to try to speak over thirty other people without completely flipping my lid and just freaking the F out. I can’t help but think this is my karma for something? But I wasn’t ever the student that always talked when I wasn’t supposed to… I don’t think so, anyway. If I could go back to high school, and more so college, I would be the students who actively participated in every convo. I would sit in the front row and nod my head, and smile to the teacher and let them I was paying attention, and I would also laugh at their jokes more. I feel bad for how often I was on my phone every second of class. Yesterday I almost pulled my Chefs knife on a boy who was sitting right in front of me and appeared to be playing sort of fishing game on his phone. Hell, I don’t know what he was doing, but about every ten seconds he would make a motion with his phone that appeared as if he were casting. Finally I couldn’t take it, I just stopped and said,
“Seriously, what in the heck are you doing?”
He didn’t realize I was talking to him, and everyone just kinda stopped and starred.
“Yes, I am talking to you. Are you fishing with your phone, or is that a weird tick you have?”
Eek, as soon as I said tick I wish I could have taken it back, what if he really did?
“Oh, uh, no. Sorry.”
And then he put the phone away. And then the teacher caught on and took his phone away. Yes, I had become that person, that person who causes kids to get their possessions taken by the teacher until the end of the day. Who am I becoming?
Today on the news I heard that one of the world’s smallest people died yesterday. The man was a teeny tiny guy from China. Sad, I thought. But then it hit me. Today is St. Patrick’s Day. So you’re telling me a little midget man just happened to pass away a mere day before this holiday, really? This has cover up written all over it. It is all just a little too coincidental if you ask me. Granted, he wasn’t Irish, but with all the equal employer laws these days I am sure the title of Leprechaun is no longer limited to only the Irish.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

On the road again...

Well I find myself on yet another exciting business trip. What can I say, I am just a regular ol career driven woman. Tonight I am just relaxing in Columbia, Missouri. This is definitely the most sober I have ever been in this town. Oh migration game memories... I was thinking the hotel I am staying at wasn't half bad, that is until I found the stray black sox lingering under the desk. Ick. I immediately checked the bed for stray underwear. Thank God, none were found. But now I can't help but wonder if my room has even been cleaned? Perhaps sock owner person just made the bed on their way out? How am I supposed to know? Or what if there is like a hidden camera in the sox? I'm no Erin Andrews, but I do have few creepy culinary kids that seem to like me a little too much... The sox do look like they belong to a high school kid the more I look at them, they're not like argyle business sox, or sox to be worn with loafers, they're sox to be worn with culinary shoes I think. Oh great.
So today is my second day of being a vegetarian. I made the mistake of watching Food, Inc on Sunday and I am forever scarred. I am, I mean was, an avid meat lover. My dish of choice was typically just ground beef, straight from the pan, grease still on. But after watching Food, Inc I just don't know what to think. I am not eating meat 30% because of the way the people treat the poor little animals before and while they kill them, but 70% because of the absolute filth that is involved with meat production. When the cows are being chopped up they are basically covered in cow shit. The workers just briefly spray the dead cows with a hose and that is it. So think about this, the average person apparently eats about 200 lbs of meat a year, so basically we all eat at least 5 pounds of cow manure a year, as well. I'm just really torn right now. Am I really not supposed to eat corn beefed and cabbage tomorrow as I always do? Speaking of St. Patty's day, I am very excited to say that I will be celebrating in St. Louis with Chris. I have never been to St. Louis, but I have great expectations. I assume it will be a city full of rappers, and underground rap concerts, and rap clothing stores, and given the fact that Chris is starting to pursue is very own rap career I think it will just be a grand ol time tomorrow night. I just hope Chris doesn't get into a rap battle that he can't win and I will have to come to his resuce.

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Au Revoir spring breakers.

Ugg boots, and Hollister, and jean shorts, oh my! Well, it must be that time of year again- high school state basketball. And given the fact that I just can't seem to tear myself away from this lovely age demographic, I wouldn't miss this event for the world! Who could resist watching young athletes play their heart out on the court in an attempt to come away with that coveted gold medal? Or obnoxious, soon to become frat boys, scream their heart out from the bleachers? Not this girl. And by the grace of the basketball Gods' a little known team from the cornfields of Norfolk, Nebraska will be playing in the finals tonight. Yup, Norfolk vs Omaha Central. Talk about two completely opposite style playing teams. Really, they are just black and errr white... I mean night and day different from each other. What a great way to spend my spring break. At the Devaney Center, surrounded by NHS parents, and NHS faculty, and old NHS classmates.
Speaking of spring break, I am glad it's finally here. I am glad because I am hoping, which I know is probably foolish to even hope this, but I am hoping that perhaps the FB SB statuses will come to a halt for a bit. I am quite sure I know not only the time many of you are leaving, thanks to your count downs, but I also know what airline you are on. And what you are wearing to travel, and what your travel music playlist contains, and what the fat person next to you on the plane is eating from their purse. Thanks for that. Now here is my suggestion to you- try to actually live SB 2010, and not simply post about it. If you are on the beach, or in a club and it's SUPER SWEET, well, be on the beach or in the club then, don't be on your phone updating every flipping second. FB posts are like the new party photo, the photo where you quickly grab every alcohol bottle next to you, as well as every guy, and try to look like you are having just the most incredible time of your life for those 2 seconds. Click, the photo happens, and then about 2 minutes later someone is in tears, I guarantee it. I'm gona make a bet that if ten girls go on SB together, 4 end up crying, 3 will hate each other by the end, 2 will have breakdowns wondering why their life sucks so bad and is just so un fair, and 1 ends up on a website. Okay, okay, someone (me) might be a little moody their not going on spring break I suppose. But I'll tell you what I am going to do. I am going to turn the heat up to 110 degrees in my apartment, make margaritas, and put on a swim suit and watch Taken on repeat. Because the more I drink the more that movie will scare the shit out of me and make me happy I am in the safety of the USA. Because I am more than positive I have used up my 9 spring break lives. And not because I was being scandalous, but because I was cheap. Share a taxi ride home from a club with strangers to save a peso or two? Hells yes. Purchase a $10 drink or find random lone cup sitting aside, might be a bit cloudy, might not, sure why not! Pay extra to take hotel shuttle or take kind Mexican man up on his gesture to give me a ride on his mule? As I always say, when in Rome! So farewell spring breakers, may you not come home with any more baggage than you left with.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Bach Wedding... Icck.

So I am kind of embarrassed to admit this but I was one of the millions of viewers who watched Jason marry Melissa on Monday night. Wait- that wasn't her name was it? Valerie? Janessa? I really am drawing a blank as to who Jason married. Oh well, doesn't matter. What matters is that all of her bridesmaids received Manolo Blahniks to walk down the aisle in. Ya, each one of her ugly bridesmaids walked down the aisle in $300 shoes, pretty crazy. Why do I have a sneaking suspicion that ABC had something to do with footing the bill of her wedding? Hmmm, might have had something to do with the fact famous dress designer Monique Lhuillier also personally helped the bride -to- be pick out her dress. Well good for Molly. MOLLY! That's her name, I knew it would come to me. Go right ahead and milk it, I mean who wouldn't want to air their wedding ceremony on public television? Sacred schmacred, you can put a price on anyting these days. I just hope they televise their divorce, as well.
So on another note, I can't quit thinking about that whale trainer who was killed a couple of weeks ago by a killer whale. The news just continues to talk about this story and how shocking it was for someone to be killed by a killer whale. I mean it is alarming, why would a killer whale kill? I personally was appalled to hear that a show had gone bad at Sea World due to the violent turn a KILLER whale took. Hmmm. Are we really still talking about this? But even more so, are people still suprised by it? Does no one recall the story of Jonah?!? He didn't choose to live in the whale, he simply chose to make the best of a bad situation. So my heart really does go out to Dawn's family. But I am going to assume that if Dawn had a choice of how she wanted to die, this option might have been in her top five. Don't quote me on that, I'm just saying as a fellow whale trainer, it's something we think about. Okay, I've never trained whales per say, but even so, the profession has crossed my mind a time or two. Speaking of jobs... Whenever I'm feeling down in the dumps because ratty old teens have been rude to me for the day, I only have to think of one thing to make me feel better about myself. And what I think of are the people you see standing on the corners of busy intersections dressed at either Uncle Sam, or The Statue of Liberty, or just a weird giant animal, waving their arms and dancing, looking like a fool trying to get you to come into their store to get a loan, or a forward on your paycheck or whatever it is. To be quite honest, I don't know what these people are doing or who they work for, heck, maybe they work for God. Because they sure do lift my spirits.

Monday, March 8, 2010

Night at the Oscars

So I enjoyed watching the Oscars last night. For like twenty minutes, I mean, then I got bored. But, in the beginning I really enjoyed seeing all the actors on the red carpet and how they were dressed. My favs were no one surprising, Meryl and Sandra and Cameron, all wearing beautiful gowns. And of course Gabourey Sidibe, star of Precious, looked stunning in the blue Duvet cover she was wearing. Okkkk, that was slightly inappropriate, but I couldn't resist. Speaking of inappropriate, I saw today on Entertainment tonight an interviewer had the audacity to ask Sidibe what "her guilty snack pleasure is." I dunno? Maybe a cow? But seriously, why on earth would you ask a morbidly obese person what their guilty pleasure is, what kind of answer are you looking for? That is like asking an Olsen twin what their favorite pre Red Carpet eating disorder is. It's just uncomfortable. Well Sidibe answers "a #3 from Chic-Filet, I can't wait to go get one after tonight." Because we can all assume she hasn't eaten in days...
On another note, I thought Miley looked pretty good. Sounded like an idiot, but looked good, never the less. Speaking of Miley, I've been thinking a lot lately how incredibly much my life is like Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus. I don't change wigs though, I change jackets. Like I can go from wearing a chef's jacket speaking in a culinary class, then I go to my car, throw off the chef coat and put on a blazer and scarf and BOOM I'm ready to speak in a fashion class. Most people don't even know the double life I'm living. I just hope that I won't ever have to deal with the kind of screaming fans Hannah has had to deal with on occasion.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

So Chelsea called.

In times of need, or when looking for guidance, or simply when life feels as if it's in a stand still people cope in various way. Some turn to God, others to relatives, some to alcohol, well I often found it very healing to write letters to Chelsea Handler simply expressing my thoughts about life. It all started back in 2008 after a very stressful week of sorority rush. I was distraught with my fellow sisters and so to make myself feel better I turned to the pen. I simply wrote Chelsea a letter or two introducing myself, telling her I enjoyed her books, you know the standard stuff. Well life picked up and I took a break from writing, I mean it wasn't like fan letters I was writing, more like pen pal letters. As of late I've been a little bored/hating my coworkers (highschool kids) so I figured I'd send Chels a few more letters letting her I know I might consider being her intern if she were ever looking. I didn't ask or beg, I just told her I might be looking for a new job so she should let me know ASAP before someone else grabbed ahold of me. Nothing threatening, well besides the fact I told her I would continue to write her until I heard a response. So I'd write about 3 or 4 a week, like I said, no big deal. It was all just chit chat, I'd discuss various topics with her that she had mentioned on her show, asked about Chuy every once awhile just blah blah blah. Well Thursday night Sara and I are watching the office when my phone starts to ring. As soon as I recognized the area code calling as Los Angeles I looked at Sara and said,
"Chelsea Handler is calling."
I didn't pick up, I got nervous. Luckily, the number called right back.
"Is this Taylor Wolfe?" Says a man whom I would describe sounded very large and black by the sound of his voice.
"Yes, is this Chelsea Handler?" I respond.
"This isn't actually Chelsea, but yes, I am calling on behalf of her."
"Oh I just knew it, I told my roommate, Chelsea is calling me the minute I saw this number."
Well then he kind of cut me off before I could start telling him how much Chelsea would love me as her intern.
"I am just calling to let you know that we are getting your letters. And we are taking them seriously, but I would reccomend you stop writing."
"Okkkk,but Chelsea is getting them, right?"
"Yes. But you can not get hired by writing fan mail to her every SINGLE day."
"Excuse me, but I was not writing FAN MAIL."
And then he went on to tell me that if I would like to apply for a job I have to apply at E! online. News flash, I've done that. And it doesn't work. So I'm basically no better off than where I was before all of the letters. I mean she could have at least sent a picture signed by her or something, that's what Arnold Schwarzenegger did when I used to write him when I was little. So now I can't help but think Chelsea is really no better than the rest of those losers at E!. It kinda hurts, I thought she was different.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Culinary Competition 2010

So for the past two days I have been at the State Basketball tournament of Highschool Culinary Competitions. I have been lucky enough to get to stay the night in Wichita, Kansas enjoying the festivities. What is even more fun is the fact that I arrived in this wonderful city at about 11:30 a.m. yesterday, only to find out I didn't actually have to do anything until today. So an entire day to myself in Wichitucky, oh what a day I had! My job is just the coolest job taking me to such great places like Pittsburgh, Council Bluffs and now Wichita- I go many more places but I am already feeling a little too braggy so I'll just stop there. So anywho, last night I was able to see all of the teams come strolling into the hotel already strutting their chefs jackets and pulling their coolers. I don't want to say I'm famous or anything, but I did get recognized a few times by students. They came running up to me wanting to talk about what they were making tomorrow, asking for suggestions, or any inspiration I could lend. So I thought for a second I might tell them what my dad told me before every basketball game,
"You will always miss 100% of the shots you don't take."
But then I remembered that I missed about 100% of the shots I did take, so I wanted to give better advice. So I told them the next quote that came to mind,
"Pain is weakness leaving the body."
Or in the theta world of keg races, "vomit is weakness leaving the body."
Well they looked pretty confused. I guess that quote didn't quite apply to culinary competitions. But then one student got it,
"Oohh K I get, so like when our backs start to hurt from leaning over the cutting board or burner, we just gotta keep going."
"Exactly." I said.
"Or like when we start to get blisters from practicing knife skills?"
"Now you guys are getting it."
So hell, maybe I did lend a bit of inspiration. At least the looks on their faces seemed inspired. That was until the KC Career Center team entered. This is the team who wiped up last year. They were good, and they knew it, what with their culinary scarves tied around their necks, and their little culinary berets. They looked the part. And the poor little culinary team I was talking to lost any sense of confidence they had. The team walked by us, and "accidentally" rolled their cooler a little too close if you catch my drift. But my little insecure culinary friends just kept their heads down, they didn't dare insult the boy pulling the cooler who just so happened to be the fastest fruit carver in all of Kansas! He could make a watermelon look like the Mona Lisa in minutes. They call him Curtis the Carver. That smug little bastard I thought to myself. I thought about sticking my foot out right in front of his black rubber Crock before he took his next step, but the thought of his 3oo pound body falling on the floor was a scene a little too violent for the situation. Let's just say I won't be too disapointed if Curtis doesn't do as well as planned today, I'm tempted to start the chant "overrated" when his turn is up here in about an hour.

Monday, March 1, 2010

Allie? Like I said, touche Allie. Touche.

Allie: The new Bachelorette. Well, if this isn't just a big shocker. I hate to say it, but I saw this coming. I said the moment Allie left the Bachelor that it was merely a part of something bigger. I knew she was scheming something, I said her Grandma was probably in on it, somehow, as well. Well I'll be damned the truth is out. So what about that super job of your's Allie? They wouldn't let you have just a few more days off but now they're suddenly willing to give you like 6 months off? Or did you quit? Did you quit your superhero job which was so important you were willing to leave Jake for? You know what, I'm gona bet there wasn't even a job in the first place. Well Allie- congrats, you just sold your soul to the ABC devil. They own you now, I hope you know that. I'm not sure if I'm so angry at you because of your sneakiness, or because of your brilliantness. Soon it's going to come out that Roz is somehow in on this, as well. This whole season was a conspiracy of sorts. I just feel cheated, like I've wasted every Monday for the past 2 months of my life watching lies. All lies. Well I'm just going to go ahead a mention the big elephant in the room no one wants to bring up, and that is the fact that every girl (Tenley and Vienna) both seemed to drop a few lbs since taping, except Allie. Bachelorette or not, if you're going to be a regular on television you need to start working on the eating disorder, if you want to appear simply thin on TV, you gotta be at least 10-15lbs underweight. We don't want another Dayanna situation on our hands.

Bachelor Edition- Finale!

Oh what a season. "The most dramatic season ever?" No, probs not. Will America be talking about who Jake chose "for months to come" as Chris Harrison said, doubtful. As soon as Rozlyn's sex tape is officially released people will forget Jake or V even existed. We probably won't forget the way Jake cried at the end or told Ten that he'll never forget her. I'm gonna guess that if I were ever on a reality love television show only one time in my life I would probably remember the last two people, as well- doesn't exactly strike me as a huge deal.
First things first though, we all now know why Jake cries constantly. Call me crazy but I didn't gag when his little dad teared up, it just seemed way more genuine than Pilot Jakeys tears. And correct me if I'm wrong, but is he from a family of gingers? And is his sister Betty Boop's red headed twin? Second of all Tenley (Tynley- spelling? get a normal name)was just as cute as a button meeting his family. I want her to meet my parents. Sadly, ABC is so predictable, so as soon as we saw them setting it up that Jake's fam loved Ten, and hated V we all knew what we had been refusing to admit to ourselves. Jake goes with his dirty side. He chose a girl that he can "get rough with," which means he can push Vienna in a pool when she is sitting on the side, because that is how he gets rowdy. And we can all be sure that she will be sitting on the side of the pool in her green swimsuit. But anyway, it's cute how snatchy girls are, young or old. His mom and sisters decided almost immediately they weren't going to like Vienna. But I honestly don't think I ever saw his dad talk, is he a mute? Seriously, I just saw him cry and that was it. I'm going to bet that Jake's family is still pissed he chose Vienna. Guarantee she makes him go to her family events and never lets him see his family. And by family events I mean Nascar races, parking lot carnivals, just standard events. But speaking of Vienna's family, I counted how many times her dad was mentioned in the last episode- 78. Even right at the very end, Jake hands back the promise ring from daddy because he knows that he would probably be shot if he walked into her home wearing that ring on his hand. I'll be suprised if those two aren't pregnant before summer, I mean Vienna and her dad, by the way. And hopefully Tenley will have settled into the Duggar residence by then, maybe even pregnant herself. Only time will tell. All I know is that I truly hope and pray that by the next time The Bachelor rolls around my life will even be just an ounce more exciting so I do not have the time/interest to watch every single stupid episode. I need to devote myself to more important things- like Dancing with the Stars!!!! Erin Andrews? Hells yes. Kate Gosselin! Even more. I've even heard rumors Kate is giving her babies up for adoption, she even considered dropping them off at a Nebraska hospital on account of that safe haven law. I mean why not, who needs 8 kids when you have the chance to be on Dancing With the Stars? The woman has her priorities in check. So that's that.
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