Monday, May 31, 2010

Keeping up with the Jones's

I have the luxury of having Chris stay with me for a week while he is doing some prospecting here in KC for his job. So Saturday we decided we wanted to do something extra fun- our choices were either a fun filled day at a child packed Schlitterbahn (a water park), or an alcohol filled day at the Jones Rooftop pool in P&L. Should we surround ourselves by children or Affliction guys/Bebe girls? We made the wrong decision. Perhaps its because of the return of the Real Housewives of New Jersey or maybe it's the Ed Hardy swim bag I've been wanting (lie), for whatever reason we chose to go to the Jones. Upon entering the pool I instantly realized I had forgotten to wear 3 essential Jones pool attire- stilettos, gold jewelry and fake boobies. The friends Chris and I were meeting weren't there yet so for the first ten minutes we awkwardly hovered in a corner feeling very un tatooed and un siliconed. I also noticed I was the only one who brought my own brightly colored sunglasses and flip flop decorated beach towel, I tried to stuff it deeper into my bag thanking God I didn't bring my raft to float on as I originally intended. The moment reminded me way too much of SB 2007 in Acapulco when Kate, Tye, Steph and I ventured off not realizing Acapulco was the #1 spring break destination of the entire Jersey Shoreline. We were the only girls not wearing Dior heels and Gucci belly chains, we were also the only ones on the beach who chose to purchase inner tubes rather than tequila so we could play in the enormous waves with the local children. But that's another story.
Anywho, Jeni and Hunter finally arrived and we were able to start living the VIP life in our reserved cabana. Now I don't know if it was the heat, or the mass amount of techno music, or heck, it could have even been the alititude, I mean we were quite a few stories in the air, but I started to get sick. It certainly had nothing to do with the 3 bottles of champagne, regardless, my Jones pool day started slipping away from me. The sun had not even set before Chris and I were politely asked to leave,apparently the Jones Pool is not a flip/canon ball friendly pool- something Chris learned the hard way. I also was not feeling exceptionally well... So a $1500 bar tab later, broken Raybans, and one lost beach towel, we were both fast asleep by 9 p.m. on Saturday night. I knew we should have gone to Schlitterbahn.

Friday, May 28, 2010

What'chu talking bout Willis?

Today has been a rough day for more reasons than one. It all began around 11:00 a.m. when I mosied on out to lay by my pool. I knew the actual pool wasn't open just yet because it still had the appearance of the pool on Don't Tell Mom The Babysitter's Dead pre Christina Applegate fakes a job and they makeover the house. But anywho, I didn't care, I just needed a chair to lay in. So I get all oiled up and am settled into my chair when the skank woman from the office tells me I need to leave because the pool isn't open. Our convo went something like this-
"Um excuse me Miss, the pool isn't open just yet."
"Oh that's fine, I have no intention of getting in the pool."
"Well okay, but the entire pool area is closed."
I very politely reply, "why is that?"
So woman doesn't know exactly what to say, after a few seconds she responds with, "it's for safety reasons."
Huh. Now why would a pool that has two feet of water in it be more dangerous than a completely full pool?
"Well, I feel pretty safe out here. I'll lay out at my own risk."
She didn't like this. So she huffs around for a second and then says,
"Fine. But we are going to lock these gates. You'll have to exit through the office when you leave."
She trots off and within minutes I see the other apartment snots all gathered at the window staring at me. Yup, thats right bitches I'm laying out while you're stuck inside sweating in your Lane Bryant work suits. Sucks to be you. But in an hour the joke was on me when I realized the pool bathroom was outside of the locked gate. I knew once I left that pool there was no getting back in. But it was only 1:00 at this time and I still had a good two hours of sun time left. I had no other choice but to go the apartment complex down the road and crash their pool. All started well here until it became baby time. Now let me just say that I don't dislike babies. I think they're great most of the time. I just don't like babies in certain places i.e. restaurants, movies, zoos, pools, you know places for adults like myself...I'm reading my book just keeping to myself when this little baby walks over to me and starts pouring her watering bucket all over my book. She giggles and says "wa wa." So what do I respond to that? Shit shit? Her mother is oblivious to all as she is too busy eating Cheerios from a ziplock bag I am assuming was intended for book ruining baby. Next thing I know my E! news app tells me little Gary Coleman is dead. More bad news! What else could go wrong today I am starting to wonder. Then I get a text from a little birdy saying America's Favorite couple split. SPEIDI! I don't believe it. If those two can't make it in the world who can? I mean they seem as genuine as it gets, it just really breaks my heart. Did they even consider Enzo's feelings in all of this? First SATC 2 flop then Coleman now Speidi? What is going on in Hollywood? Well all I can say is TGIF. If only I could spend the night with the casts of Step by Step and Family Matters like the good ol days.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

The Sex and The City Variety Show

I've never gone to a midnight showing of a movie before. I guess I just haven't cared enough about a movie release to be that person- I mean until last night. Last night Jade, my mom and I attended the 11:59 release of Sex and the City. We all wore cocktail attire and took turns wearing the fancy blue Manolos Jade wore for her wedding that SJP made famous from the first movie. Ickkk, if you believed me just now please take this moment to slap yourself. But anyway... I'm about to divulge into the awfulness that was this movie, so if you're going to see it soon you might want to divert your eyes. Why do I call it a variety show you might wonder? Well for starters the girls all were able to showcase their voices during a wonderful karaoke sing in which they all belted out "I am woman," in a very theatrical tone. Oh perhaps it was the opening number featuring a very old Liza Minnelli singing and dancing to "All the Single Ladies." Or hell, it musta just been all the kneel slapping and elbow nudging jokes the gals were slinging off another every other line that screamed variety show.
The worst part is that I wanted so badly for this to be as good as the first movie. I didn't care that the ladies are getting older, old women can still be funny. Turns out I should have been worried that the writers were getting older, as well. Then again, I can't help but wonder if it was an entirely new set of writers even because the movie had a completely different feeling than the series. It was something like Home Alone meets Adventures in Babysitting. The girls went from camels in the desert to discovering a secret Muslim book club then getting chased by Muslims and then they sneak out looking like Muslims. I kid you not it was some of the weirdest shit. I dozed off for a second and woke up and thought I was watching the Hurt Locker all of the sudden.
My other thought regarding why this movie was so bad was that perhaps it was written by the viewers. There are moments when I literally was waiting for Miranda to wink at the audience as if to say "eh? ya? you like that line? that was for you guys." Not just Miranda, but Charlotte, Samantha and Carrie. I think there must have been a time when viewers were able to write in things they wanted to see or real life situations or something because why in the hell else would Charlotte and Miranda actually do a cheers to "all of the moms who raise kids without help." I just can't get to the bottom of it. And believe me, I have thought and thought about it. I mean did it not occur to SJP to think a scene in which Muslim ladies take off their veils to reveal they are all dressed in top NY flashy fashion to be just a tad bit weird? Not even a little?
Maybe I just expected too much. Or maybe I am not even the type of audience they were going after. Because judging by the audience at the 11:59 showing I did feel a bit out of my class, weight class that is. I'm talking women who require two seats. Women who also require the cardboard tray at the snack stand to carry all the goodies. Pretty sure the carboard trays had to be restocked after last night.
I'm done. I have to get over this, I need to stop dwelling. But in the words of Carrie Bradshaw, "I couldn't help but wonder..." why this movie was ever made.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Hills Edish #5

There are few girls that intimidate me, as I mentioned before one of which is the girl at Plato's when she sorts through my old clothes, another is the woman at the Chanel bag counter at Saks in St. Louis, and even though I am a bit ashamed to say it, Kristin Cav makes the list, as well. So pretty much if I were Brode's new Michaela girl, yah, I would be shitting my pants when K Cav walked into the club. I also wonder if Michaela was thinking to herself, hey I used to watch you on Laguna! I've watched you morph from a chubby teen into a cocaine induced beautiful slim young woman. But I want to know a little history on Michaela, how does one who has only lived in LA for 6 months not only land herself a date with the Brodester, but also a spot on the Hills? There's got to be more to this story. Is her dad the producer? Is her aunt Aurdrina? Does she hold in her hands the coveted Jason/Lauren home vid?
But how annoying were the little birdies (Lo and Steph) when Kristin moved to sit by them? "Are you mad about this? "Are you uncomfortable" "Is this awkward for you?" What terrible questions. They might as well have asked her if she felt fat.
And Steph we get it already, you want to pretend you're sober. You're 23 and sober, pretty sure you've said this on about every episode. But what I want to know is why you are so incredibly desperate. Why you would be so ecstatic that someone like Lo was able to scramble you up a guy? I mean I'm sure it was super hard in a place like LA to find someone who would agree to go out on date that would also happen to be an episode of the Hills. Because people in LA just aren't into stuff like this...
Speaking of gross LA people, how great was it not to see Heidi and Spencer? Rumor is that they're screen time becomes less and less toward the end of the season. I guess that is what happens when you start rumors the producer tried to touch you (Spencer!). All in all just another uneventful episode. An uneventful episode in which already rich personality lacking children get paid about $100,000 to do absolutely nothing. Isn't life grand.

Monday, May 24, 2010

Ali who?

Sadly, my DVR apparently isn't a huge fan of Ali so it chose to record only three seconds of the season opener tonight. So instead, I am going to discuss how I just assume the episode played out.
First things first, Ali is introduced to all of the dreamboats as they step out of the window each trying to do something to make themselves stand out. Now guys generally aren't as unfunny as girls, however, guys who willingly choose to be on a show like this could be just as douchey. I mean not a lot of 20-30 year old guys I know would volunteer to be on a show to compete for the love of one semi pretty/bitchy girl in hopes they'll be able to marry her at the end. Okay I'll admit, Ali's cute, but she's no Rosaline. Anyway, I'm sure most will get out of the limo and tell her how incredible she looks "did you fall from heaven", some will say "look no more, I'm your husband," and then there will be that one who wants to go really far and will like just out of the window or something. At least that is the clip Ellen showed today as she interviewed America's Sweetheart Ali. And Ali will laugh and giggle and throw her full head of long Vienna style extensions back and pretend to be that cute girl next door. She's playing the "cool girl." The low key, I can hang with the guys, and I prefer to watch sports, but I can still wear dresses, kind of girl. So cliche.
Then will come the awkward mingling time. This will be the time when the men try to wooo her with bad jokes, worse pick up lines and maybe even a few pity heartbreak stories. These men should take cue from the women and attempt to drink a little bit more this segment. All the while Ali will continue to laugh and giggle and throw back her head of long Vienna style extensions. What a precious girl she is. I am sure she will also remind all of us more than once that she "gave up everything to be here." And by everything does she mean her job at Facebook, or her deceased grandmother's home she brings boyfriends home to? Doesn't matter, because she's Ali. And just in case she has to bail half way through again this season because the blue picture man at FB calls her to report back to work because of an emergency, I hope that Chris Harrison will step up to take her spot.
So I'm just hoping I might be able to catch more than three seconds of next weeks epsiode, but if not, I'm sure I will be able to just write about what I think might have happened again. Chances are this will be the most dramatic season of the Bachelorette-that is until ABC discovers the gold mine that would be Ashley as Bachelorette. (And you know I mean this as a compliment.)

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Revenge is a dish best served cold.

Well as it turns out not working doesn't leave a whole of time for blogging. What with the constant eating and drinking and laying out- I'm just too busy for anything else. I've been on about a 16 day drinking binge which I am hoping to break very soon. Although, by this point it is just getting harder and harder given the fact that I notice I start to get a headache and a little shaky if I haven't had a drink by about 6 p.m. Tomorrow is a new day, hopefully an alcohol free day. One day at a time is what I keep telling myself. I'm 23 now, time to get my shit together. Speaking of shit, I had a nice little surprise left on my doorstep the other night. Jade was visiting KC and she and I were just returning from dinner and drinks around 10 p.m. when we noticed a cute little pink bag sitting right outside my door. Jade initially thought it was gift, I was a bit more skeptical considering the only person I really know in KC is Sara, my roommate, who most likely wouldn't leave a gift on the outside of out apt. We pick it up to find a little bag of doggy turds. WTF. Izzy has not been at my place for over three weeks, so if someone had a vendetta against her and her tootsie rolls why choose to express themselves now? And besides, I almost always pretend to pick up her rolls just in case someone is watching from their window. And the one time Sara had an accident outside I picked hers up, as well. Kidding, ha ha I swear, (sorry Sara I couldn't help myself.) But anywho, that's just rude. I mean at least light it on fire or something to do the joke right. All I can say is that I am going to be on the look out for a dog owner in my complex who uses little pink doggy bags. And when I find that person he/she better sleep with one eye open. I won't strike right away, a wise person once told me "revenge is a dish best served cold." So when I serve them dog shit on their own door, it won't be cold, it will most likely be on fire as I mentioned, but I will definitely wait a day or two. So my mission next week is to simply watch and wait. And I will find the cowardly culprit. Oh yes, I will. Like I've said before, in the words of Liam Neeson "Good luck." Unless the dog walker person is actually an Iranian female sex trafficker like in Taken, which in that case, I guess good luck to me.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Hills Edish #4

So let me get this straight... That emotional little lovefest between the girls at the end was simply to decide that they are no longer going to talk about Heidi and Spencer behind their back? And this is a way to punish them and prove they officially hate them. Okay, so.. wonder what they decide to do for people they really do like? I did think Kristin's place was ridiculously cutely decorated, and how refreshing is it to hear a celebrity say "that's about when I crossed into blackout," as Kristin noted when recalling the night with the Brodester. I thought only college kids talked like that, maybe the show isn't so fake, after all. Now if only the cameras could catch Kristin actually during a blackout, perhaps falling asleep at a bar, or eating massive amounts of De'Leons or getting her arm stuck in a couch. That would be good TV. Ohh and what a buzz kill when Kristin tells Broday she likes what they have going and Brody responds with "I'm liking being single right now." Ouch! But back to the lovefest, did anyone else find it a bit ironic when deep, insightful Audrina waved her hand in front of her face and said in her wispy voice, "there is like nothing there, just no emotion," when referring to herself, er I mean Heidi. Meanwhile, Steph can't think fast enough to add any input so instead she just tries to think about her face pre surgery to bring a few tears to surface and just continues to pout and look side to side. Perhaps she is the only character who is allowed cue cards? Holly appears to have once again missed the memo regarding what kind of taping was taking place given the fact she showed up in full fledged sparkly new years eve attire- always ready for a bar I suppose. Although, I wasn't digging the Goldi Hawn hairdo circa OverBoard era- Holly was trying to pull off during the club scene. She just looked messy and kinda like a Cocker Spaniel. It's nice to see fame hasn't changed her. But I guess in order for fame to change you you must first indeed be famous. And as for Speidi... well I too am taking the honorable pact the girls took and am refusing to talk about them. The only thing I will comment on is Heidi's new style, i.e. the bronze underwear/short things. One word CUTE! Where can I buy a pair, I'm sensing a new FB prof pic outfit! Perhaps Heidi should get together with Whitney Eve so she could add some ribbons and tie dye to them.

Day 2 of Summer

So my summer officially got underway yesterday. And by the way things are starting, this summer is going to be quite similar to the summers of the 1990's. I'm taking it easy in Norfolk for a few days, so yesterday morning when I heard the garage door open meaning that was my dad was home for his 8:30 breakfast break, simply out of habit I jumped out of bed to pretend I have been up for awhile. Too many summer mornings I awoke to either my mom or dad strolling in my room telling me to get my ass out of bed and do something productive. Talk about the worst way to be woken up. So like I said, I jumped out of bed pretty quick, I even do this pretty often in KC just because they have scarred me so bad I am just certain if I sleep past 9 a.m. someone is going to yell at me to unload the dishwasher or take out the trash or something ridiculous. I joined my dad for some cereal, then took a nice long shower, and decided to relax for a bit with Matt Lauer and Meredith Vieira. Next thing I know I looked at the clock and it was noon. What a great way to start summer -pretending to get up early, then falling back asleep to TV til noon, like I said, just like the good ol 90's. I wasted the rest of the day trying to make myself useful by cleaning the pool and watering the plants until it was 5 o'clock and I could have a drink. Day two has consisted of almost the exact same thing. Cereal, Today Show, and finally a full fledged day laying out in the sun. And now sipping on Blue Moon's new summmer ale just waiting for that ridiculous show known as The Hills to come on. I have about four more hours. And just like in the 90's the only real big thing I have on my schedule within the next thirty days is summer camp that happens the last week of June. I only hope I can really find myself once again like I did at Camp Foster back in 1996. Might be more difficult this time since it is an Art Institute camp and I am technically a "camp counselor." And the campers aren't really your average "campers." Think the creepy artsy emo kids you see at the mall wearing checkered shoes, and checkered scarves and checkered shirts all dressed in skinny pants. The hard part is I am there to keep them from smoking (God only knows what arty kids smoke) and drinking (shouldn't be too hard considering Jones Soda is legal) and hooking up.... (prob the most difficult task given that Johnny likes Sally but Sally likes Susie and Bobby likes Johnny and Sally.)

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Andddd bday blog

Whewww. Talk about a great bday weekend. As usual, Chris just spoiled me today by whisking me away to a very fancy lunch at Famous Dave's in Council Bluffs. Talk about good eatin. And then for dinner I classed it up in Norfolk, eating all of my favs. Cool Ranch Doritos for an appetizer, baked beans for an entree and then a DQ ice cream cake for dessert. I told Chris yesterday that I was for sure going to eat an entire bag of Cool Ranchys today since they're my ultimate favorites and I don't often buy them. But, he then kindly reminded me that I had already treated myself to an entire bag Friday night after the bars when I insisted the hotel shuttle we were on take me to a gas station to buy some. Weird part is that we weren't even staying at a hotel so I still don't understand why were on a shuttle? Apparently, I was feeling generous with my chippys because I even offered to share with a few other passengers on the bus. But I quickly took back my kindness after my bag was not returned fast enough when I began yelling at the girls to give my chips back.
Saturday consisted of a fun filled day at the zoo. Although, the zoo and hungoverness are not necessarily two of the best combinations. Between the monkey smells and screaming children I debated jumping in the lion cage a few times. Note to zoo- consider banning strollers. Walking through the jungle behind a band of four foot wide strollers kind of ruins the experience. If your children are old enough to walk, please have them do so. But please put them on a leash, I nearly fell into the jungle pond because of crazy running kids. On second thought, why not ban kids from the zoo. I think it would just make things a whole lot easier. And just a little FYI for those of you planning a zoo trip in the future- bats are free to fly all over the jungle. Anywhere. Everywhere. Keep an eye out for this if you are like me and do not like bats swooping at your head. I would also then recommend skipping the butterfly pavillion, as well. If I truly wanted to be in an enclosed area with large flying bugs landing on me I could have just waited a month and left the light on in my garage at night. But above all else, a good day. I especially enjoyed the new Skyfari ride which is like a ski lift that gives you a sky view of the area. It was nice to be able to completely relax on the lift and not have the anxiety I have when on an actual ski lift. I just have never gotten the hang of getting off a lift with skiis. I'll never forget the humiliation last winter break when I went skiing with Chris's family of professional skiers and I somehow managed to trip myself when getting off the lift and had to quickly army crawl away in order to avoid getting trampled by the following skiers. Awful.
But anywho I am birthday exhausted. Between the cupcakes and ice cream cake and honey cornbread I am experiencing an intense sugar crash. I also need to check my fb wall, it's been about forty minutes. Which by the way, thanks to all who wished me a happy day. And for those of you who didn't, and you know who you are, I hope you have a good excuse. Because an experienced FB creep like myself knows who you are, as well. I'm kidding. Kinda.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Hills edish #3

How am I supposed to say anything about an episode that revolved almost entirely around a 6 year old's birthday? Wow Hills, you are struggling if this is all you could set up for a faux cast mate interaction. The writers are as blah as the actors. Brody, Frankie, you guys don't have anything better to do with your day? And Charlie? I expected more from you. Really, I am struggling here. Should I comment on the fact that last season Enzo appeared to be a cute little 5 year old and now he looks like Chuy's cousin with a bad comeover? I honestly don't want to even say anything about Speidi. Their little "let's act as bizarre and ridiculous as possible so everyone will talk about us and keep us in the news" act is becoming far too predictable. I think Heidi's face is still changing because she continues to look different to me every episode. First it was Tori Spelling, then Courtney Love, and now I am starting to see glimpses of Donatella Versace.
Is it just me, or does Ryan Cabrera really love to bowl? First I saw him bowling with that Pretty Wild girl, and now he's back with Audy. And it never fails to surprise me how his face continues to get fatter, and his hair taller. He reminds me of Mr. Potato Head. I'm waiting for the episode when his ear is where is nose is and his lips are on his forehead. Speaking of Audrina, when did she and Kristin become besties? I don't like it. Where were the wicked witches of L.A. Stephanie and Lo this episode? Maybe they were busy going to fake college somewhere, or working a fake job that somehow involves Kell Cutrone, she seems to be on every reality show these days. I wish she was married so she could be on Wife Swap, that is one of my guilty pleasure day time shows I watch before 19 Kids and Counting. I have a good feeling that Cutrone probably wasn't voted "most likely to be on TV" in her highschool year book. Unless Extreme Face Makeover was around back then, I can't quite remember?

Monday, May 10, 2010

Summer, I'm on my way.

And then there was one week. One week left of work, that is. If all goes according to plan I will be done with speaking to highschoolers’ for the year this Friday at 11:00 a.m. So if anyone is able to drink on their lunch break and would like to meet up, don’t hesitate to give me a call. Not to mention today also officially begins my birthday week. I am really trying to soak up my last days as a 22 year old, for example I am pretty sure for the month of May I have already ate about 22 cookies, 22 cupcakes, 22 cinnamon rolls, 22 drinks, ext. May is the birthday month for the Wolfe family so sweets have been in abundance as of late. Jade turned 25 again on May 4th, and Jordan turned 25 for the first time on May 7th. We threw Jordan a surprise party at Jade’s house, I think he might be one of the few 25 year old males in the world who still has surprise parties thrown for him by his mother and sisters. Thus is Jordan’s life. Might I add this is his SECOND surprise party in his lifetime. I have not had one. Jordan is just the princess of the family though, so it’s pretty expected I suppose. I have suffered this all of my life, whether it was Jordan beating the shit out of me when we were little and me still getting blamed because I must have deserved it for annoying him. Or Jordan getting a MIP in high school and me still getting blamed because I must have drove him to the bottle. It didn’t, and still doesn’t matter, I am always to blame. I have come to the conclusion the whole “middle child” syndrome is such a crock of shit, clearly invented by a middle child. The middle child is always left out, neglected, blah blah blah, standard middler to throw that kind of pity party shit. Man do I have stories about the abuse I’ve gone through as the youngest. Case in point- 1997 Family trip to Disney World for my 10th birthday. Two people fit in a ride, so who rides alone? Birthday girl. Yup, It’s A Small World After all is little too real when you’re riding next to a 45 year old Asian man. And suddenly I’m the brat because I just hope that I can make a few small decisions for the day regarding where we eat (Johnny Rockets quickly vetoed by the family), what we do (breakfast session with Minnie “accidentally” missed because everyone slept through their alarms), ext. You only turn ten once. And thank God for that. Worst Bday Ever. At one point Jordan suggested I just leave the hotel we were staying at and go stay with the Otters that were always frolicking in the pond right behind the hotel. This is a lot for a bday girl to go through. I had never related to Michelle Tanner more than ever on that day. Stephanie and DJ were both a little too harsh on Michelle just because she pushed them out of her way and got to rub the magic lamp and get her wishes granted by the Genie. Give the girl a break she was just a child for God’s sake. Looking back, I can’ t help but wonder if it was this birthday that didn’t spark my obsession with trying to have the best bdays ever. It’s because I have this deep fear of having to relive the hell of my tenth birthday.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Cinco de Drinko

Well I hope everyone enjoyed this nice little holiday yesterday. I celebrated with my parents in Norfolk by going to fried chicken night at the Legion. Pretty sure there was not a single non white face in the place, let alone not a single Mexican, which is not too typical for Norfolk. We could have easily gone downtown to a number of very authentic places but I just couldn't tear my parents away from their Wednesday Legion night. Although, I can't see how eating at the legion doesn't make them feel exactly how I feel whenever I go out in Overland Park (about 25 years younger than everyone in the joint.) But, you just can't beat the fried chicken basket that comes not only with potato salad, potato wedges but also a nice piece of white Wonder bread and a packet of spread butter. While enjoying our din my dad brought up memories of Cinco De Mayo's past. One of the more memorable ones for myself involved a Mexican assembly we had in junior high in which a feisty 13 year old version of myself chose not to stand for the Mexican anthem. I wasn't doing it just to be naughty, I think I remember I was aggravated with a certain posse of Spanish speaking students and their lack or respect for the American anthem so I chose to stick it back to them. Well one thing leads to another, I get escorted from the assembly to the office, parents are called, blah blah blah. Come on people I'm not racist, my family owns a Mexican restaurant for God's sake, I love beans. But anywho, my dad comes in quite angry with the school for punishing me for standing up (or sitting) for something I believe in. Well it got a little heated, and all I can say is thank God I'm alive today what with the heavy presence of the Mexican mafia in Norfolk. I think I brought in tacos for the school or something and put it all to rest. Oh me, always causing an unnecessary fuss.
I did enjoy everyone's status's yesterday in honor of the holiday. Tequila, and sombreros and coronas, oh my. Made me just a tad sad I wasn't in the funness that is Lincoln. Although, I did find it kinda ironic because I don't recall ever having one Mexican American student in class from all my years at UNL? I'm surprised Linconians don't celebrate a big Asian drinking holiday, that seems a bit more appropriate. But back to status updates, I wish so badly I could devote a blog to one certain girls updates only. I'm too classy to name names, but if you are a frequent FB'r, I can only hope you are this girl's friend bc she is sooooo entertaining. I'm sure you all know her, at least via FB. Her page is always changing with new pouty lip, booby out prof pics. I'm especially a fan of the "I'm standing with my back to the camera but sticking my butt out and looking coyly/sexily off my shoulder toward the camera" look. Statuses almost always involve subjects such as cuddle partners wanted, pillow fight TBA, and new bikini purchased, ext, ext." And I don't mean any of this bad though, either, I don't know how I would spend countless bored minutes if not for her.
But one more thing. I decided I should prob attempt to do something half way meaningful with my summer so I'm taking an online comedy writing class through Second City- it's basically a comedy club that teaches smart asses how to tunnel their writing energy more positively.I have to submit online writing,(this blog) so if you've read this even only once, or twice, or a few times would you pleassse click follow on the right side. I don't care if I don't even know you and you just stumbled on this, or if I do, or if we met once. My only hope is that I can at least get a few more followers after this post so I don't feel like a complete ass for mentioning this. But if not, that's okay too, I've felt like an ass many times before.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Hills Edish #2

So last night I had quite a few "ah ha" moments during wonderful episode number two. First of all, I've figured out Heidi is Tori Spelling's long lost twin. And Spencer is an albino black, I can't believe I never saw this before. But it's so obvious now, white people simply don't have that carpet hair of his- or the desire to wear numerous gold rings. I went from hating Spencer, to liking him, and now I'm just annoyed by him. He used to be somewhat clever and funny, but now he and Heidi are just multiplying their act by being the villains/dumbasses they know everyone wants them to be. Heidi: "I want my boobs to be a size H for Heidi." I'm sure Spencer was just gitty when he thought of that line for Heidi.
And Brodes Jenns you are getting less and less cute the more you appear on the show. Have more respect for yourself. But I guess what can you expect from someone whose father is on The Kardashians and mother once dated Elvis. When you look at it that way I suppose it's pretty impressive he hasn't OD'd or starred in his own sex tape... Or has he? I just still don't understand how he goes from dating Nichole Richie to being a regular on The Hills, just seems like a huge step down. Then again, The Hills can't be all bad considering it seems to be introducing new pop sensation RYAN CABRERA. What a dream boat! I don't know where my life would be without that fat blob of a face man with a porcupine sitting on his head haircut. He had some great music, didn't he sing something like, um, it was called, um, If I were invisible? No that was that cutie Clay Gayken, I think Ryan had the great album called autobiography with songs like "La La," and "Pieces of Me."
Lo and Steph, you two are just getting worse and worse. Why don't you guys just stop attending social functions with other people and leave your tapings to one on one lunch dates? And can someone tell me why Lo doesn't jump on the plastic surgery boat like the rest of the crew and get those damn dumbo ears pinned? Half the time I can't even see who Lo is standing beside because they are completely covered by those antennas of her's.
And now onto K Cav. Oh K Cav's comebacks just kill me. I don't care what anybody says, the 6th grade smart ass voice will never get old. Cav has used this defensive mechanism starting back on her days of Laguna. On this show we saw it a few times this episode, for example-
Steph Pratt: Are you like drunk right now Kristen?
Cav: Oh ya, I'm hammered. (said in 6th grade smart ass voice)
Steph: You just need to apoligize Kristen before I start to cry and my face melts.
Cav: Uh huh. Ok. Uh huh. (said in 6th grade smart ass voice)
I am still waiting for a few characters to step up and play their part. One of which is Holly, obviously. The other is Charlie. I think these two characters have real potential to contribute to the fake plot of the Hills drama.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Purple feather day

So the other day I was speaking at Central High School, once again, had to park on Dodge street so I tried to pull my suitcase/cooler/knife kit all while dressed in a chefs coat as quickly as possible praying to God no one I knew happened to be driving down Dodge at that exact moment and would catch a glimpse of me. Once inside, I learned it was Purple Feather day. Apparently, this is like a Central pride day or something- but this day only honors the smart kids, so as one student told me, "it's a day when lot of kids say they gonna bring them guns to school and shoot em all up." Okay, well guess that explained all of the police cars I saw parked outside. Still, not exactly a comforting thought considering the night before I had a dream I got shot. Even though I was shot by a fellow driver in my dream whom I had cut off and then proceeded to flip off, it was still kind of a weird coincidence. So I was pretty much on edge the entire day. The first class I spoke in there was this one girl who seemed to glare at me the entire time. And then I noticed she started to rock back and fourth in her seat, still just glaring at me. She was definitely giving me the stank eye and it really started to freak me out, especially the rocking. So I started to plan what I would do in case she pulled a weapon out of her book bag. A bag that had various scribbles on it like weed leafs, ying yangs, 4:20 and the word Ke$ha? What the hell I wondered. Why would she have wrote Ke$ha on her bag? Man I hate all of that girl's songs, they're just awful, not to mention all the same. It's just her babbling in that high pitched annoying voice talking about blah blah blah, and tooth paste that tastes like Jack, and boys that cheat on her, I don't know I just think she is worthless. But anyway, back to my plan as to what to do in case my life is one the line. I started to debate if I wanted to be the hero and try to take the girl out using my knife kit, or should I be a coward and try to jump behind the very large boy who was sitting almost directly to my left. I mean the kid was huge, I was pretty sure he would stop the momentum of a bullet without even flinching. Hell, he might not even feel it. Well, long story short, the girl never shot me and I actually made it out of the school without any bullet wounds. So all in all not a bad day. Once I get through next week and then the next I will officially be singing the sweet song of summer. But honestly, I only have to work about 2 hours a day this week, and only for three days. So it's getting real close I can almost taste it. And that means I am getting real close to turning 23, I'm so excited to be Michael Jordan's number for an entire year!!
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