Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Day 3 of camp

Sometimes I find myself in a moment where I can't help but wonder if perhaps I am letting my life get away from me. As I currently find myself in a 1978 yellow school bus lacking air conditioning filled with a stank scent of high school puberty so strong I think I can actually smell the year 2002 behind me. Not to mention I feel my lips and ears sweating. I think this might be one of those times. Did I mention the bus is taking all of us campers to the Plaza in Kansas City? I feel just like an insecure highschooler because I am contemplating asking the driver to drop me off a block away. I just dont like the thought of stepping of a school bus in front of Burberry. Shallow, I know. But what's the point considering I'll just have to rejoin the motley crew to lead them on a "photo scavenger hunt" all around the plaza. What happened to the good ol days of neighborhood scavenger hunts knocking on random doors asking for tampons and condoms? I just don't think the plaza patrons will be welcoming our group with open arms. Another activity should have planned if you ask me. My suggestion was to take the kids to a gym and lock them in with the Twilight books and replay clips off the Today Show featuring the new Harry Potter them park. As usual, I was shut down. I'm sure it's because I haven't actually had to work since about May 15th, but this has been a very difficult week for me. What with the go carts and laser tag at the family fun center last night and now walking around the plaza tonight, they are just expecting too much of me. I've only been at the pool for a few hours the past two days. This job is becoming too demanding. I can see the mansions of Ward parkway quickly approaching. It's almost plaza time. I suppose I will have to swallow my pride and step off this yellow bus with my head held high. Or as quickly as possible.

Monday, June 28, 2010

Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall, Humpty Dumpty made a stupid ass phone call.

It's been one of those days. The past two days have been "one of those days" to be correct. It all began yesterday around 4 p.m. when the campers began checking in. Moms and Dads clad in Nascar tye dye knee length shirts and Wal Mart cargos made the trek from all over the beautiful state of Kansas to bring their talented teens to a lovely interstate Holiday Inn in hopes of setting them on the path to success. Young brothers and sisters made their tearful good byes to their older siblings for the week, and then smiled as they strolled out knowing they would have a free week to raid the tortured artists' room to steal rainbow wrist bands, chain hanging pants and Greenday shirts which did not make the camp attire cut for the sibling. I'll tell you this much, the "starving artist" is no more. The younger generation prefers Dorito and Taco Bell binges as opposed to hunger strikes as the new hot thing in the art world. Well good for them is what I say. So beyond that, once the campers were on their own we proceeded to play awkward intro games in an attempt to get the socially challenged kiddos to mingle. The Aaron Carter of the group established himself as the hottie of the week flirting with every girl and boy- although being the hottie of this group isn't exactly a huge accomplishment.
This is probably the one week out of the year when I am forced to work along side actual "co workers" and I don't care for it one bit. It's not nearly as fun as The Office makes it to be. I would even settle for Angela as this point. My motto is simple, work smart not hard. Now a particular person I am forced to work along side this week motto appears to be "make lists and copies of every paper and stress over every tiny detail that really has nothing to do with us but insist it does and try to make us work twice as hard as we really should have to and call the boss and tattle in case other co workers don't do exactly what I say," or something along those lines I think. I don't deal well with shit like this. I don't deal with someone feeling the need to delegate jobs that have nothing more to do with sitting in a room just for the sake of "being there." I don't deal well with little cowards telling me it's fine if I choose not to participate in "pool fun" and then proceed to call my boss behind my back like a candy ass. Sorry Humpty Dumpty, go knark on someone else. Whooo. That was a much needed rant. I just have such a problem with people who lack a backbone and choose to fight their fights behind a wall. Three more dayssssss. Three more days.

Friday, June 25, 2010

Waxing the kardashians.

Okay Kardashians, you officially crossed into incest land. I laughed awkwardly the first few times you guys would be naked together and slap and tickle each other, I pretended not to care when Rob watched the nudey tape Khloe made for Lamar but the bikini waxing? Too much. I can't just ignore this. I realize Khloe and Kourt are close, but it simply isn't right for sisters to be that up close and personal with eachothers Britneys. And then Scott walks in not surprised in the least as to what is going on. Speaking of Scott, will everyone stop being so hard on the guy? He won my heart in the Vegas episode, that's for sure. "Don't look em in the eyes if it's the cops." Priceless. I don't think he's nearly as awful as everyone says he is. Imagine dating someone who had a mother like Kris Jenner- you'd be an alcoholic asshole, as well I bet. I like the show, but I just can't stand Khloe's fake voice. She uses it when to talking to Lamar, people at photo shoots, interviews and the like and sometimes her mother. I just don't understand why someone who claims they are such a bad ass chooses to use such a fake Paris Hilton voice. It's just one of those things I suppose.
So I've been relaxing by the pool today just minding my own business when some douche swims up by my chair and asks,
"do you normally lay by the pool for this long?"
Now maybe it's just me, but I feel like that is kind of a rude question. So I respond,
"on a good day, yes."
He then continued to insult me with questions regarding how many hours I typically lay out for, do I still burn, and if I'm "retired." After the whole debacle my sun experience was completely ruined and I packed up and went in after only being outside for roughly 3 1/2 hours. As I said a few days ago this week has been crucial regarding tan time. I won't be able
to lay out at all next week because I actually have to "work." Ugh I can barely say the word without gagging. I have to be a camp counselor at art camp for teeny boppers. And I know these aren't going to be the active athletic campers that I befriended from my own camp days when I was a youngin. These are the campers who hated me in high school. I'm anticipating gaged ears, hello kitty book bags and a whole lot of confused sexualities. But once I get through next week then it's off to a fun filled USA loving weekend in Fremont. I love 4th of July food, beans and burgers and chips and beer and cupcakes and everything American. God love our obese country.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Hills Edish #8

Oh the life of a Hills character.
"So what do you think should we all go to Costa Rica next week?" Kristen proposes to the group as they hover around uneaten cupcakes in the cabin of a very expensive sail boat.
"Sure why not. We'll have to make sure we can work there. And by work I mean make sure to go out for lunch and talk about Ali and Mikaela and not eat our food, and then maybe go to a shop and look at clothes. Then probably go out later and sit in a big booth and talk more shit. So yes, if that works, let's go." -Audrina or maybe it was Casey.
Meanwhile we have Johnny Depp circa 1990 sitting on the deck of the boat pondering life. So of course Audrina wanders up there so she and Justin can have deep convos regarding their rocky love life and what their future entails. Been there done that. So did Kristen. But really, I had to catch up on last weeks episode and found it just painful to watch Justin and Chiapet Ryan "meet" for the first time. Did anyone else notice the way Ryan was constantly twitching? I told you he had a Surge problem. And then the high five? Awfullll. I'm sure that was what sealed the deal for the breakup for Audrina. Or it could have been the concert. Has Ryan truly not come up with another song since his first "On the Way Down" from 1997 when he opened for Ashley Simpson Wentz on her "You make me want to la la" tour. I think Audrina was crying and had to leave because she was so embarrassed. I would have been.
So now let me talk for a second about something that really confuses the hell out of me: Ali's mouth. Even when she's not talking her mouth is still moving, and when she is talking her mouth is moving and bouncing in all directions on her face. It seems like she has zero control of it, as if it might be a tick of some sort. It's quite intriguing. And Ali's friend, what's her name? Mikaela? Is as boring as it gets. Worse than LC and I didn't think that was possible. I see a strong friendship between her and mother goose LO in the near future. But really, can we write Lo out of the show already? Her few lines of wise words and advice are just so tired. But not nearly as bad as Steph's faux excitment and happiness she tries to portray.
"Oh my God, look at those seals, this is crazy. Like oh my God, this is so crazy. Like seals." You live in California. Seals are like squirrels, come on. Less talking more pouting. I think it would be in the best interest of the show if from now on only Kristen, Casey and a few of the guys are allowed to speak. I guess Ali still can talk for a little while more just so I can watch the circus act that is her mouth.
What it all boils down to is that each episode only makes me more bitter that I have not yet found out how to get paid to do nothing. I still talk shit for free.

Monday, June 21, 2010

Why must vacations always end in an airport?

Let's talk for a second about the most powerful people in the world: The TSA. The people who hold the power to tell you to get into a different line even if the line you are currently in is shorter. The people who get to decide what is a purse and what is a bag. The people
who get to look at all of your personal belongings and very carefully decide if that hairbrush in your bag is indeed a beauty tool or is it a tool that could be used to hijack a plane? They look closely, then start to let it go through then ooops second guess themselves and back it up on the conveyor belt. Look, move along, then back up... The question on their face displays they better call for a second opinion. So then a young woman struts in, braids swinging side to side, she then very carefully and ever so slowly puts on some blue plastic gloves (because airport workers seem so germophobic?) and begins to unpack my carry on. A bag that took me quite a while to finally close I might add. I always mini panic when my suitcase is opened in public fearing something will fall out like God forbid underwear! Oh the embarrassment of having complete strangers I will never see again know the color of my unders!! In the end the brush is fine- the Mac lipgloss however, must go. I saw the womans huge lips, I know damn well that gloss isn't being thrown away. As if we don't notice the TSA women wear all the makeup they take from us travellers. As well as the perfume, hairspray and maybe even deodorant- eh scratch that, they clearly don't steal that. And am I the only one who absolutely dreads walking barefoot the ten steps through the metal detector? I keep my shoes on as long as possible and then tip toe the rest of the way, in my mind the tips of toes don't pick up germs.
Does anyone else find it odd that the very people responsible for our country's safety don't typically appear to be from this country? Don't mean this racist, I just find it weird is all that as they're telling me what to do I usually struggle to understand them. Is a TSA degree like the number one degree at Kaplan? Are TSA workers walking examples of people who have broken that awful cycle of " I don't have a job because I don't have a degree, I don't have a degree because I don't have any money, I don't have any money because I don't have a job... (speed up cycle until it spins out of control in fast speaking voice.)
On another note- the final day at the tournament was quite an experience. Yesterday was the most golf I have ever watched in my life. But really I only watched about 20 minutes, I spent the rest of the day looking at what the other spectators were wearing. For the most part female golf watchers have great style. And many players, as well. In my other life where I go to fashion school in NY and scoff at fake designers like Whitneyink Port and secrectly befriend Olivia, I would def become a stylist for PGA players. I kid you not the Euro players are fashion risk takers. As usual, most Americans were so predictable. Phil in black, Tiger in his infamous Scarlett letter, I mean Scarlett red Nike shirt. Awful joke, I had to though. Speaking of Mr. Tiger, he was much better looking in person. But everytime I looked at him I couldn't help but think of those nasty texts he had sent those Baby phat wearing women regarding things like "spanking, slapping, choking" you get the picture, and so did I, so I always turned away pretty quick before I started to blush.
Sitting in the airport now waiting on my hour delayed flight I feel the two signs of a successful trip: an empty wallet and painfully tight jeans.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Still on vacation.

Well I'm not sure what day of vacation I'm on at this point. It could be day 4 or day 14, I have lost count due to the food and beverage comas I seem to slip into every night. After we left Carmel a few days ago we landed in San Fran and chose to see the city the Asian way (driving by landmarks snapping photos from the car. ) We saw all the major spots in under 2 hours, quite an accomplishment considering last spring it took Chris and I four days to do all of this. We stopped the car only when absolutely necessary for a few photo ops, no one wants to look at a FB album of strictly scenery. Although I am disappointed that due to the shady weather I have not been able to capture that new bikini profile pic I've been hoping for. After San Fran came Napa. We quickly learned that the town of Napa shuts down around 7 pm and only a few bars remain open to the public. We stumbled into a local joint,seemed nice enough. But right around ten when karaoke began all the creepy Napoians started to crawl out of the woodwork to showcase their voices. Cowboys and goths and lezys oh my! It was scarring. We went from hearing Marilyn Manson scream "would you bite the hand that feeds you," to Crystal the Filipino he/she sing a very provocative rendition of Alanis Morrisette's " you otta know." I will never be able to listen to that song again thanks to Crystal's lezbianoic actions. Crystal was def the hot shot of her group, she went from girl to girl just teasing them all with her dyke spike hairdo. She's going to break a lot of hearts that's for sure.
And now at the end of the trip I find myself back in picturesque Carmel for the final round of the Open. The weather has caused me to briefly leave the tournament for a much needed latte/coffee cake break. Thanks to the mass binging I have been doing on this trip I start to get cranky if I don't eat a sugary dessert or salty bag of something every couple of hours. I need to head back in soon though to give Phil a pump up talk and I also want to have a drink with my old pal Mark Wahlberg before he has to jet. I've been meaning to ask him a few questions regarding the upcoming season of Entourage. One more day here and then it's back to KC where I am going to have a tough week ahead of me. In order to reach the tan I need before the 4th I will have to put in overtime at the pool. I'm talking 10-4 sun time everyday until then. Ugh it's gona be a long week. Talk about needing a vacation after a vacation.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Day 2 of family fun- "Learn to puck a farking car"

So day two of vacation did not start incredibly smooth. Considering how day 1 ended, having cocktails and numerous appetizers at our hotel while watching dolphins swim just a few hundred feet away, I was shocked to see day 2 go so badly. The trouble all began when my mom refused to park the Denali we have rented in a tight spot.  I'm not one to shy away from a close parking spot- regardless of any situation. I will park my car under a car if I have to in order to get a good spot. So I told her to move over and I would gladly park it. Mind you I drove a Honda Civic for 95% of my driving years. Denali schmali, how hard could it be? With much instruction from my dad I was able to pull in without hitting a thing. No passenger doors could open more than an inch but that didn't matter. As long as I sucked in real tight I would be able to shimmy out my door. In between the shimmying and sucking in my Ray Bans fell off and right as I stepped down the heavy door slammed shut, catching my sunglasses in the middle.  Might I remind you these are glasses I purchased about two weeks ago to replace my original Rays I lost/broke at the infamous jones pool.
The moment I heard the crunch my human instincts kicked in telling me to fight or flight. I decided to fight, or perhaps through a fit- you decide. I stomped my feet and tightened my fists and began to wail and scream "No no no this is bad this is real bad." I also cried and screamed until I decided this clearly had to be someone elses fault. Obviously if my mom had parked the car and not me this wouldn't have happened. So in my fury I told her to "learn to puck a farking car." Now speech mishaps like this always crack me up, but for the time being I couldn't let the humour be known so I had to keep crying. I certainly didn't want to lighten the severity of the situation. I had drawn a small crowd in the parking lot at this point and decided it might be best to choose option two now and flight to get the hell out. I walked it off and very maturely got over the incident/my dad bought me
new Sunglasses so things started to improve. 
I spent the day walking aroud Pebble with a glass of wine schmoozing with professional golfers. Phil and I smoked a cigar in honor of his birthday, that handsome young Rory Mcllroy kept asking me to buy him drinks and then all the players graciously signed a golf flag for Chris. Like I said, not a bad day. I still can't figure out why California has the rep of being such nice weather, however. On every occassion I have been here it is awfully chilly. I miss the stanky NE humidity, I miss walking out of a bar midnight only to find it just as warm as it was at 12 noon. 
We ended the day with a nice Italian dinner in the storybook town that is Carmel, California. We took it as our cue to leave once our table had spilled a drink, broken a glass and flipped silverware onto the floor- some people just can't handle their alcohol in my family....
And now time for day 3, a few more hours in Carmel then off to the homosexual capital San Francisco. Kind of ironic this is the city Jordan is flying in to meet us at... 

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Day 1: Tour de Northern Cal

So as I mentioned earlier I am currently en route to California for a little fun filled family vacay. Although yesterday, it began a bit rocky for my dad when he went to the bank to get travelers checks only to learn travelers checks are no longer made. Apparently he didn't realize he was the only person who still used these past about 1996. Anywho, my mom and dad and I stayed at Jade and Bill's the night before. As did Jordan, whom you all know occupies Jade's basement. So that's six people, six people with one bathroom thanks to some home renovation currently underway. So when I woke up in the middle of the night having to pee extremely bad due to 2 bottles of wine I shared with Kate earlier, I was really faced with a tough decision given the one working bathoom  was upstairs. Upstairs tucked away in the very dark corner of Jade and Bill's room. Jade's older home isn't exactly ideal for navigating through in the dark, and even though she left me a flashlight I was still not certain I wanted to make the trek. The worst part was I was kinda wine hungover and woke up from a dream where I was drinking gallons and gallons of water. The situation was turning bad fast so I decided my only option was outside. Don't judge me, no one ever said peeing outside is only acceptable when drunk. So I'm headed out Jade's back door and just as I'm walking out my dad was waking in. He said "it's all yours" and walked back to bed. Indoor plumbing is so overrated.
So now just one more hour and we're there. I swapped the kicking child from last flight and am now stuck with an old man beside me whom I have been arm battling with since we sat down. He seems to think that because his arms are bigger and have more hair he gets not only the arm rest but is free to let his arm spill over onto my side, as well. I think otherwise. This is going to be a long hour if I have to continually move my arm every second to secure my space. I just need to remind myself to be grateful I'm on a plane and not a train. It's nice to not have to step over coolers full of beer blocking the aisle- or scantily dressed drunk 40 year women on a bachelorette trip.  I told Chris that if I someday find myself as a 40 year old in a Hollister Jean skirt riding a train sipping Natty Lites wearing a penis hat and testicle necklace something must have gone seriously wrong. 

Some peanuts (or pretzels) for thought

1. When it feels like the toddler in the seat behind  you is playing gymnastics/karate/world cup is it rude to ask them to stop?

2. If the large person next to you has an even larger leg encompassing your section of the seat can you slowly use your own leg to push theirs back to their side?

3. Why do I still get a thrill at seeing backyard swimming pools from the sky? You would think I would be over this by now.

4. How come the Sky Mall magazines seem to have every gagdet anyone could possibly want but will never actually buy?  i.e. Headache reliever wrap,"Keep Your Distance" bug vacuum, and pet trampoline. 

5. Child is still kicking the shit out of my seat. How is no one else noticing this? Next time he shoves his rubber crock into my elbow I'm gona freak the F out and grab the little bastard.

6. Why do airport waitresses hate life so much? Such as the woman who took our breakfast order and refused to give me a Mimosa and grumbled away from our table and then accused me of saying she had a stutter behind her back? It was real awkward.

7. Speaking of restaurants, why is airport eating so damn good? I could have just had a feast but take me to an airport and I'm gonna want a Cinnabon and pizza and a Philly and ice cream and gummys and a salty mix of something.

8. Next time I want my own row I'm going to dress like a Muslim. The man in front of me relaxing over three seats is most definitely a fake Muslim-pretty sure I can see red hair and freckles under his white wrap thingy.

9. How come plane temperature options are either extremely cold or hot and stuffy? Isn't it time for seat warmers/coolers? At least give us the option of rolling down the windows.

10. Speaking of hot and cold- Is it a requirement that flight attendants must be Bi Polar? I feel like they're either riding down the aisle on a unicycle telling jokes and handing out free drink tickets, or their cooped up in their quarters refusing to move except to make a few demanding annoucments about seat belts or battery operated devices.

Last but not least why haven't I figured out a way to travel on a private jet? Or at the very least first class... Coach is so coach.

Train fun.

Here's the thing about train stations- they're not as charming as they seem. Turns out they're nothing at all how I imagined them to be. I'm not sure what I expected, well actually I know exactly what I expected and that was marble staircases and gold pillars and men in suits smoking cigars and women in square heels and dresses drinking cocktails smoking long cigarettes Cruella DeVill style. Much to my dismay, train stations have evolved with time and are not permanently stuck in the 1920's as I was obviously thinking. Chris got off work early Friday so naturally I suggested we head to the station early to have a view drinks. Welp, the only places at the St. Louis station (KFC and Burger King) did not serve the glass of Chardonnay I was craving. I should have taken note of the numerous pay phones as a bad sign, and the fact that all of the pay phones were in use as an even worse sign. I was starting to get very uncomfortable and was wishing I wasn't dressed in my new White Citizens. Chris was very patient and kindly asked me what was I expecting. I told him my dream of the marble and gold and dressed up people from the thirties. He told me the fact that people who take trains are people who can't afford cars, he knew this all along but thought it best for me to find it out on my own. He's always making me learn life lessons the hard way.
I feel like I just have oodles more to say about the quick weekend in Chicagoprah about being egged, and the Stanley Cup, and trashy train people playing sexual games, and mean conductor man solving spousal fights but I have to jet because now it's time for vacation number two in California. You know that great commercial on tv with Arnold Terminator man and other celebs talking about how great California is? Well I'm basically doing everything from that commercial. Napa, San Fran, Pebble Beach for a little tourny called the U.S. Open and ext ext. Should be fun. I'm hoping to shout mean things at Tiger.

Friday, June 11, 2010

Chicagoprah.

The other day I heard on The Today Show- probably one of the most trusted news sources obviously, that the average amount of money it takes to raise a child from birth until age 18 is about $220,000. And this total does not include college. So I wonder if it includes things like MIPs, DUIs, car crashes, rehab, and all the other things stupid teens waste their parents money on these days. I mean throw in a baby that smokes 2 packs a day on top of that total and it probably goes up to about $230,000. That is a lot of money. Think about the Duggars and the Gosselins. They're contributing at least four or five million with all of their offspring. And we can't forget about that icky single mom who has like 13 kids. It makes me wonder how in the hell our nation is in "debt" as everyone claims, if you can look at every little child running around with that kind of dollar sign above their head. It's because this whole debt thing is a conspiracy I bet. And I've got a good bet who is running it all and her name starts with O! and ends with prah. I've got zero proof backing this, it's just a feeling you could say. I just find it a little too coincidental that a little known African American man from her neck of the woods magically becomes president out of nowhere, basically. I came across a news clip the other day featuring our good President regarding his thoughts on the oil spill, now I am paraphrasing but he said something like this,
"I'd like to know the names so I can know whose ass to kick." "Ass to kick," is the part I am most sickened about. I am all for a President of the people, for the people, blah blah blah. But really? Saying ass kick is so middle school. Not to mention coming out of the mouth of the President of the United States just seems so classless. Yes, I say stupid shit on a regular basis, thus the reason I am not seeking a job in politics. I suppose I really shouldn't talk about things I don't understand, and politics and economics are right up there with fax machines and black holes.
In just a few hours Chris and I will be boarding our train for Chicago, or as I call it, Chicagoprah. I am expecting train beverages to be pricey so I am packing my own alcohol in miniature containers. Tyeler and I once tried this trick on a airplane ride, we dumped out miniature bottles of after shave and hair spray and refilled them with Vodka. Turns out the taste of after shave and hair spray do not come out of their containers. We were troopers though and spent a three hour plane ride sipping on Vodka Paul Mitchells and Vodka Old Spices. I still shiver at the scent of Paul Mitchell hair spray. This time I got smart, or perhaps less stupid, and purchased the tiny containers from the Target travel aisle that do not have anything in them. I don't know what it is about miniature items but they always seem to suck me in. For some reason I just love tiny deodorants, hair sprays, and toothbrushes, and wrinkle reducers. I realize I am probably paying more for a smaller container than the regular size but I just can't help myself.
Well I am sitting at Panera right now waiting for Chris to get off work and an older man just sat next to me who is talking to himself in a very exquisite English accent- I have a feeling it might be fake, however. I am nervous his conversation with himself is coming to a close soon which worries me it will switch to me. So this is my cue to leave.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

He only smokes when he breast feeds.

Unless you've been living under a rock for the past few weeks you've probably had to have caught a glimpse of a very pretty popular video circuiting the news stations. I am talking about the video of a two year child that smokes about two packs a day. The baby in the video is a chubby Asian baby, obviously filmed in another country because America just isn't cool enough to allow like this. For the most part the baby boy is just chilling in his diapers smoking, but there are also a few clips of him smoking it what appears to be a leather jacket- weirdly enough he pulls it off. The clip kinda reminds me of when you see an old person slip and fall in an grocery store, you know that it's not funny and pretty sad, but for some reason you just want to giggle, anyway. You just don't know if this video is one of the worst things you have seen, or perhaps the coolest. I mean this kid is clearly an experienced smoker. He does tricks with the ciggs,twirls it between his fingers and he blows absolutely perfect smoke rings. If I were a cigg company I would be grabbing onto this kid faster than I grabbed the camel. Talk about a poster child for ciggs. The only downfall is that he is awfully overweight, and ciggs have traditionally had the rep to make one skinny. His parents say he prefers a cigg after every meal, and looking at his weight you can see how that must really start to add up. Go figure, Americans are just up in arms about this video once they caught wind of it. But let's be realistic, you can't just expect this little Pudger to quit cold turkey. His parents will have to ease him out of the habit. Cut the ciggs after each meal, try an old fashioned bottle instead, and then maybe only allow him a cigg or two when he drinks like everybody else.
Well tomorrow Chris and I are stepping into a time warp and have decided to take a train to Chicago for the weekend. We're even staying in one of the oldest Chicago hotels, just to ensure we are really living like the good ol days. Should be a good time. Don't worry, I'll make sure to update my FB status every hour to let the FB world know exactly what I am doing and how much fun I am having. I would hate for people I have never met to know not know where I am eating lunch or how hot it is in Chicago or something along those lines. And if I really feel like spoiling the FB world I might even drop a few mobile uploads of cool things I see and do, or even just a photo I take of myself looking very cute and pouty. I'm just gonna play it be ear.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Hills Edish: Cha cha cha CHIA!

And the light bulb exploded when it finally dawned on me who Ryan Cabrera reminds me of, or should I say what he reminds me of. He's a Chia Pet! I'm sure of it. All you have to do is pour water on his head and his hair will continue to expand, it just makes so much sense now. The only thing I want to know now is where I can purchase my own! I'll have to google it later tonight. We were all introduced to a new character, Allie Lutz, on tonights episode. What most people don't realize is that Allie was a very famous child actor. She actually got her start acting as a very young girl, she played Angelica Pickels on The Rugrats, the dead giveaway for me was the fact that she only talks out of the side of her mouth. The only difference is that now she wears much more lip liner than she did as a young girl. I would really love it if sometime she brought her cousin, Tommy, on the show with her. I would even settle for Suzie, the African American neighbor, I always had a feeling Suzie would do big things with her life. Lo is taking on her role of Mother Goose more and more with each episode. This time she used her wise knowledge in advising McKaela- that is one of the hardest names to spell by the way- to be safe when dealing with the Brodester. Thank you wise one for you insightful thoughts. K Cav was extra feisty this episode which I particularly enjoyed. I'm hoping they keep Angelica around for a while because she really seems to spark a fire in Cav. K Cav called her all sorts of wonderful names tonight such as a forty year old stripper, a chain smoker, a hooker, a demon, straight up evil, ext ext. But what do you expect from a girl who was raised by a mother who constantly had a cell phone attached to her ear?
Stephanie and Audrina contributed their standard giggles, and cell phone text read alouds. Sometimes I wonder what the text on their screen really says,I have a feeling its something along the lines of:
"look at camera. then say oh my gosh."
I thought I caught a glimpse of Heidi in the background tonight, I was wrong though-I didn't realize that the Hills had ended and it was actually the blonde hair of that chinese/white girl,Erin, from the City. So this must be about the third episode without that crazy couple. What's their name again? I can't even remember.

Monday, June 7, 2010

The forecast is calling for showers.

I don't know why I watched again, but I did. And I saw more grown men crying in one episode than I have seen in my lifetime. It all began with weatherman's tears. But we should give him a break, I mean I think we can all remember back to our first kiss and that was a scary time. So it's perfectly understandable that he started crying when he heard he was going to have to kiss Ali. Poor little creepy guy. But then weatherman completely made up for himself when he got a little one on one time and cutely (grossly) whispered to Ali that he thought they should sneak off camera for their "real first kiss." Man if a camera could have captured Ali's face at that moment, oh wait, it did capture her face, and it was disgust mixed with fear. I wish whatever douche interrupted them at that moment wouldn't have so we all could have seen Ali giggle and hop her way out of that situation. Let's see here who else is there...Well there is that one guy named Frank who already thinks he owns Ali. He's just a straight up dork, that's really the best way I can think to describe him. I could also see him killing his wife someday and then immediately start crying afterward. Speaking of crying I think Wrestler man pretended to shed a few tears. I don't believe his were real, but fake tears from a man are even worse than real. Wrestler man is just a freak, but what do you expect from someone who gets paid to play with men, no wonder he is on this show. There really isn't anyone else worth mentioning, Craig the attorney just looks like a big goof. And not a funny goof, but the type of goof who drinks too much and then starts beating kittys and puppies. Kurk is kinda cute. Casey... well I'll just call out the big elephant if no one else is going to, he has a weird voice. Either he was born deaf, or still is deaf and just masks it well, something is up, and I truly don't mean this in a bad way. I just wish someone would just address it so we could all stop pretending like we don't notice it. Perhaps we will get a better idea from next episode when he attempts to sing to Ali, but I don't plan on watching next episode... For a second during the rose ceremony I thought MacGruber snuck in the picture, but then I figured out it was Jesse. I didn't know Jesse but now I don't think I'll ever forget him thanks to the jean jacket he chose to wear to the rose ceremony. There simply is not an excuse for a male jean jacket.
I think by far the best part of tonight was watching men try to dance together to the tune of Bare Naked Ladies. Some just moved their hips side to side, a few tried to do the semi truck honk, but most just did the standard 1990 twist. This was the highlite of the episode. Well, it might be a close second to Weatherman getting too scared to kiss Ali.

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Plug it up.

If I see another picture of a little birdy soaked in oil I might just have to go to the gulf myself and swim to the bottom to put a cork in this oil leak. It makes me sick. All I can think about is Zach Morris's duck, Becky. Poor Becky found herself in this exact sticky situation...oooh bad pun too soon. Becky was drenched in oil because selfish Bayside High just had to get themselves a new pool. Typical Californians. It's ridic. I just don't understand why BP didn't learn from Zach's demonstration when he squirted oil all over the new school plan. Did they not see how icky the oil made the miniature Bayside High look? Where is Jessi Spano when you need her? Perhaps we wouldn't be in this mess if Jessi wouldn't have gotten addicted to energy pills and therefore had to star in a raunchy stripper movie ( a la 1995's Showgirls) to support her habit. Damn it Jessi, you could have been one helluva politician, you just got so excited. And then so scared. But back to point. I don't even like birds, but those images of them covered in oil are just awful. If I wasn't so busy this summer laying out I would go down there and start helping clean up. I think it sounds like just the job for a few Shamwows. One Shamwow could probably clean up at least five miles of beach I bet. I mean it soaks up an entire bottle of red wine on white carpet. I just got a crazy idea. I wonder if after I Shamwowd everything if I could then wring the Shamwows into a bucket and keep all of that expensive oil? Hmmm... I might be onto something here.
But anywho, I've got a bad case of the Sundays. I'm just not quite ready for Monday. I guess I actually don't really have to do anything tomorrow beside ship off my latest ebay sale, but that means I have to go to the Post Office. And I really hate that place. The post office workers are all part time cell phone store workers, I think. They're slow and angry and all relish in the fact that they have the power to bring everyone else into their anger circle by moving even slower. I get impatient just thinking about going there. I suppose it is a bit weird I get so impatient there, especially given the fact it is the only thing on my To Do list for tomorrow as of now. I'm sure there are other errands for me to run....like Target. I need to walk up and down the end aisles looking for sale items such as gum, candles, plastic cups, and anything else that catches my eye.
Well I suppose I better get to bed. I would like to make it up in time to watch the Today Show. Kathy and Hoda just kill me, I hate Kathy but I love her. She's a punching bag and she definitely knows it. She really embraces her role nicely and God love her for it.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

And so it begins.

So as some of you may know I've recently joined Twitter. I'm still unsure what to think of it at this point. I mean I know it's obviously cool, but it also seems like a lot of work. I now give celebs/fake celebs a lot more credit though for what they do all day. They twitter. All day, every single second they are updating, they are real talented twits, let me tell ya. They tell me where they're eating, what they're pretending to be eating, and blah blah blah everything in between. I do feel that I have a stronger connection to famous people by knowing everything about them from the kind water they drink to the type of tampons they use. I did see a funny tweet the other day by one of my favorite comics, he asked a very philosophical question "why do people always pick their noses in their car?" Think about it, people are major pickers in the safety of their own car. Whether it's their nose, or teeth or just picking the shit out of their face- I don't know what it is, perhaps they think no one can see them behind their deeply tinted Ford Focus windows? News flash, we see you. We all see you. I've started this game where anytime I see someone picking in their car I honk very loudly to try to startle them.
Side note-I just got one of the most alarming texts of my life. Tyeler Angela Godbout just got engaged. I think Zach is pregnant. He's just got so much going for him, I would hate to see him throw away his NFL career just because he has got himself in a tough situation. I mean I know they're in love, but if they're just doing this because Zach is pregnant and catholic and they don't want him to get sent to a convenant, I just don't think it's right. Times have changed, he's got choices. I should try to think positive though, they're a cute couple. I know this was all their choice, and a good choice it was. I remember when they first met back in Spanish 101 in 2006. Tyeler would just stare at Zach all googly eyed just dreaming of wearing the triple XXL sweatshirt of his. Or maybe that was Celeste our Spanish teacher, I recall she stared at Zach pretty dopey eyed, as well. I think she even made him sign a few autographs for her "mom" and "sister." Well congrats you two crazy kids, you have Fb going absolutely nuts. I think everyone in the world of FB is writing on both of your walls. It's like your birthdays x 10. I truly wish both of you all the luck in the world, I hear the first wedding is always the best.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Hills Edish #7

And yet another show without Speidi. It's getting more and more refreshing, I must say. It's almost like the new Brody/Michaela relationship is trying to replace them. But big shocker, Michaela is just another boring personality lacking cast member. I mean she's cute, and she was a Kappa, but that's all she has goin for her. Imagine if the Hills had just one funny and sarcastic person on the show. Just one. It could be an entirely different show if just one of the characters had it in them to contribute some witty dialogue every once in awhile. Sometimes I think Steph wants to be this character, it just takes her too long to comprehend situations, "I just can't believe Justin Bobby is in a band." Two minutes later- "like he is in a real band." Five minutes later- "he's like playing the drums." Thirty two minutes later, "I just still can't believe Justin Bobby is in a band." Fifty five minutes later- "he was like in a real band." And scene. Speaking of JB, at times I feel as if he jumped straight out of a 1993 music video, flannel around the waist and everything. But other times he surprises me with a bit humor, for example I was just gitty with excitement when I heard him refer to Cabrera as "Spike," not once but a few times. Ha ha spike. What a great nickname. I'm hoping Spike's five minutes of Hills fame is coming to a close. I feel like everytime he is on camera he is just bouncing off the walls from a Surge high. I'm not talking drugs, he doesn't strike me as that type- he seems like the kid who drank too much Surge and ate one too many pixy sticks. How does one go from JB to Spike? C'mon Audrayna have a little respect for yourself. What would the tat on the back of your neck think? Let's see here what else nonsense happened... Poor K Cav... just letting herself get jerked around by the Brodester. I think she is looking better than ever and has the capability to date a real star. Someone like Bieber status. Her and Stacey both. Although I have noticed that Stacey must have a real sodium problem. Sometimes her face looks super fact and sometimes not all, she must struggle with salt bloat. We've all got our problems.
Speaking of problems, I tried to watch the Bachelorette last night. But it was painful. I saw cargo pants and had to shut it off. I caught the end when Ali made a clutch mistake and kept the little weatherman bitch instead of Bradley Cooper hunk Craig. When weatherman smiled and his front teeth crept over his bottom lip he looked exactly like Gilly from SNL. Craig on the other hand, seemed pretty hilar. So what if he was too drunk at the end to have a convo with Ali, I liked him. Don't be so picky Ali. I don't foresee myself watching adorable Converse wearing Ali go on anymore dates where she giggles the entire time and skips and jumps to get from one place to another. I'm done.
Haha Spike.
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