Saturday, July 31, 2010

If you really knew me

If you really knew me you'd know I'm embarrassed for myself that I still watch MTV. Well touché MTV, you've done it again. You've turned highschoolers pain and agony into profit. What I would like to know is why teenagers today are so damn pissed at the world? We can't blame Eminem, he's been in hiding up until a few months ago. So what's the deal? If you watch this show it will make you absolutely sick to know that our future is resting in the hands of a bunch of depressed little emo freaksters. And did anyone else notice the brunette girl with the Justin Bieber cut? Has the Biebs really become a non gender specific style icon? This show didn't make me feel better about myself, it made me never want to have a teenager. It seems like all of them are cutting or trying to commit suicide, anyway. What, is smoking pot suddenly out of style? I don't understand why teens today are choosing to cope with all of their awful dramatic problems by hurting themselves? Do they not know certain substances can make all of that go away? Substances other teens, decades before them, have been using time and time again so they obviously must work. If you haven't watched this show- don't. It just makes you more aware of how our generation was seriously the last fun one to come through. And you know what is the worst part? These kids are the people I work with everyday! If you want some insight as to what my job is like envision yourself trying to give motivational, college presentations to this group who freely talks about much they hate their life and the fact they feel their future is completely hopeless. Speaking of work I am currently en route back to Nebraska, culinary conference concluded as of 2 p.m. today woo hoo! Next week I'm off to four days in Minneapolis for more training then it's finally back to my real life of laying out all day and buying lotto tickets at night. So basically I've bought myself about three more weeks to strike it big so I don't have to go back to work in the classroom. And I've got a good idea this time around. I'm pretty confident I will be about 2 million dollars richer in about 2 weeks if all goes according to plan. I'll have a party to celebrate, and you are all definitely invited. Don't worry, I'll keep you posted. But as of this moment, if you really, really, knew me, you'd know I might just drink way too much tonight. Who am I kidding, you don't even have to know me to know this. I hope you're all doing the same.

Friday, July 30, 2010

That's what she said

Well, somehow I missed the memo that the culinary conference I thought I was attending was actually turned into the amateur comedians conference. Picture a room full of public speakers each dying to get their jokes in before the next person. A normal thirty minute discussion turns into a 2 1/2 hour discussion because each last comic standing wannabe has to make sure to get their "that's what she said," and "I'm kinda a big deal," jokes in before the end of the day. It was literally my hell. The whole time I'm looking around the room for anybody else as annoyed as I was, even as partially annoyed, even somewhat, but nothing. Toward the end of the day when we were already running late I even mumbled a few times, "ok buddy, we get it," and "no more comments, you've made the point you think you're funny," but the girl next to me didn't hear me over her chuckles. I don't know what's wrong with me. It's 9:30 p.m. and I faked a stomach ache to come back to my room while the rest of the wild crew goes out for a night on the town. I had good intentions, I truly thought at the start of the night I was going to play along and get drunk with the crew like a good co worker should. But one thing lead to another and three glasses of wine in and I was more annoyed than drunk. After someone asked a question regarding what kind of cooler they should buy to transport their culinary supplies and received a comment along the lines of "you'd be a lot COOLER if you bought..." I knew I'd had enough. There was no sense in torturing myself any longer. It's really not that I think I'm that much better than everyone else, because I don't. Yes, Norfolk Senior High that's what I said, I DON'T THINK I'M BETTER. I just don't have anything in common with these people. Maybe I'm just that arrogant that I prefer my own company to anyone elses'. That's not really bad, is it? I mean is it really that awful that I am just more entertained by the convos that go on in my own head as opposed to convos with strangers? I don't think so. I've always been good being a loner.
On a completely other note I just saw on the news that some people got attacked in their tents while camping in bear country. The forest police (I can't remember what you call them? sargents? militia? McGruff?) anywho the guys who run the forest think they found the bear responsible and have her, and her cubs, in custody. Apparently, they tracked the bear from feces they found in the woods- guess that answers that age old question. Anyway, if they find out for sure it was her she will be "put down," as will her cubs. I realize the bear killed someone, and I do think that's awful... But let's look at the flip side for a moment. What if bears set up camp in a man's house that was in a neighborhood called "mans country?" I think it's pretty safe to say that if that man came downstairs and found three bears in his living room he would probably kill at least one bear, as well. I guess I just hope the bear has a good lawyer.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Chpt 11 Invitations Not Meant To Be Answered

As tempting as it might be, resist the invite the entire Facebook world received.

Often times I wonder what people did prior to Facebook regarding parties that were important enough to invite people to, but at the same time not important enough to purchase actual invites. Obviously I'm referring to 21st birthdays and college graduation parties. I realize many college graduation parties require old fashioned invites still for the adults invited, but what about for the 75 college friends you're inviting so they can come drink free keg beer? Or what about all the parties in-between, (beer Olympics, keg/case races, WTF parties, party buses, togas, sweater parties, the list goes on and on.) If there was a party which required more than a few days preparation how did one find out? Because we all know texting someone on Monday "what are you doing Friday" is just a little weird. Can we thank Facebook for the increase of college binge drinking, as well? Why not? Facebook is responsible for everything else good in the world.

But what I am referring to isn't exactly the standard Fb invites mentioned above. I'm actually more intrigued by the invites Facebook Girl posts to the world as a status- not a closed invite. Perhaps invite isn't even the correct word, sometimes they seem more like proposals or offers? They usually all involve alcohol in exchange for a service provided. Whether it be a post looking for guys to help move large furniture, or to provide a more simple service of "cooling me off." So I raise the question- is this a desperate, perhaps trashy move or incredibly savvy? Well judging by the amount of responses she gets... I might have to try this technique myself. Who wouldn't want an abundance of their Facebook friends to show up where they're laying out with "margaritas and massage oil?" Actually, that's precisely what I wouldn't want come to think of it. But what I would like to know is do the gentlemen actually show up? If so, what kinds of guys are they? Are they the Facebook Boys who just sit and wait at their computer for these exact kinds of statuses to appear in hopes they might actually get the chance to touch Facebook Girl in person? The tantalizing girl who fills their computer screen with her bodacious bod whom they create graffiti art and air brush T shirts for? If that is the case, I truly hope with all of my Facebook heart that their day does come.

FbGirl: "I need some strong (preferably shirt less) men to help me move! Alcohol provided, and I'll be wearing little shorts I promise ;)"

Oh you little devil, you. How can anyone possibly say no to that?

FbGirl: "laying out all day. Will someone please bring me jello shots poolside and also oil for my back? Thank U!"

You forgot to say whether or not the boys would be allowed to rub the oil on you. I think that would make a huge difference.

FbGirl: "needs someone to come downtown to buy me a shot. Or five. I'll be the loner in the mini dress :("

Don't be sad Facebook Girl. I'm sure at least ten Ed Hardy's are on their way before you even click "post."

FbGirl: "Bored at work... I wish you could get eye candy delivered lol."

I believe you can, they're called escorts.

FbGirl: "Maybe it's good I don't see any hot guys tonight. Me + sexy men = trouble. Then again... Text if you're out"

Anything involving "something + sexy men=trouble" is always a good one to end on.

It's not called fun travel.

Am I the only sour puss who really hates traveling for work? I don't mean to sound like a princess complaining about going to Chicago for a business related weekend... But what the hell, anyone who seriously likes going out of town with people they only see twice a year only to be forced into awkward conversations about babies and fat husbands and when the uncomfortable convos aren't underway we're actually working long hours after I've been working 30 minute days for the past two months is, well, I guess a much better person than me. I'd rather just save the company some money and have a three day web conference. I thought that was what technology is for.
So finally up in the air, I just got my Sierra Mist, but after one sip I can tell it's not diet so I won't drink it. If I'm going to drink calories I expect to get a buzz from it. And of course I don't want to be that paranoid girl complaining about her non diet pop while the large woman next to me is making love to what smells like an Italian meatball club sandwich combination. She had to have brought that from home. The only place I'll send a non diet drink back is Sonic. The fear of drinking a Route 44 non diet Limeade is right up there with burning to death.
Whenever I'm aboard a plane not particularly happy about where I'm going I can't help but daydream I'm actually with the McCallister family going on one of their great vacations. Even though uncle Frank seems like a real ass I always think about how fun it must be to travel with such a big rambunctious group. But no fun family vacation for poor me. My life is so un fair sometimes. I was sure I would have at least figured out how to fly first class by this point in my life. My only hope at this point is that by the good graces of God I'll have my own room.
I fear a snoring roommate wouldn't appreciate me throwing random objects at their face and screaming "shut up!" through out the night as I often have to do when on vacation and sleeping in the same room as my brother.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Chapter 10 Lifes' Greatest Questions

Because God doesn't respond nearly as fast as Facebook.

If God doesn't start commenting on statuses soon, or at the very least start "poking," Facebook might just take over his job. Don't get me wrong, I'm 100% against this, but I don't know, more and more people are turning from praying to posting their greatest questions, instead. Understandable too, who wants to keep their lifes' greatest problems and dilemmas secret when you can make them public and get like ten notifications in one day? Not to mention it's much easier to get sympathy via Facebook. It just makes praying in private seem so cliche.

I'm old fashioned, I keep most of my struggles to myself, or just to people who know me pretty well- or at the very least outside of Facebook world. Occasionally I'll turn to the ol Facebook god for matters concerning subjects such as weather, "why can't it even be a little sunny today," or petty wishes, "when will I finally be the one to win the lottery?" For the most part I try to keep it light. But now I'm starting to wonder if maybe I'm just being ignorant by refusing to bring hundreds of strangers into my personal life, who am I say they couldn't provide me with adequate advice?

No questions are off limits for Facebook Girl. She spares nothing. As I've noticed her questions have seemed to have gotten a bit deeper, and dare I say darker, with Facebook time. I can't help but wonder if perhaps she is on to something? She must be getting the answers to all of lifes' greatest questions, why else would one continue to post private details about their life? Surely not for attention, it's obviously because she's getting her solutions. Yet another bold move by FbGirl resulting in a positive outcome.

FbGirl: "why is it that everytime I start to open up and really begin to like a guy he just completely stops talking to me?"

Maybe next time you shouldn't start by opening up...

FbGirl: "why is life so unfair? I thought things were really going my way for once. Nope. Thought too soon as usual."

My only hope is that your Fb life isn't nearly as unfair as your real life so if all goes well this post will at least land you a few "what's wrong" "I love you" "cheer up" and most importantly "don't be sad you're so pretty when you smile" responses.

FbGirl: "So long social life, have to work the next four weekends. Why does this always happen to me?"

Because life is unfair. I thought we already established this.

FbGirl: "Loves it when guys are such assholes even tho I basically did whatever he wanted and even lost a few of my friends along the way trying to please him. What's wrong with me?"

Refer to Chapter 2 Regarding Relationships and "Sexy Men," and just to be safe skim Chapter 8 TMI, as well.


FbGirl: "Loved you so much and miss you so bad it hurts, grandma. How has five years already gone by?"

This brings me to my next question: Does one get Facebook in heaven? Initially, I want to say yes. But, if God is a smart business man, definitely not.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

But seriosuly Summer, stop being a hooker.

Where is it going? I'm panicking. August is like four days away, possibly less I'm not checking the calendar because I know it's inching up on me. I'm trying to fit in as much sun and fun in the last days as possible. Today I played at the pool with Chris for a bit, then sat out on my patio and read even though it was terribly hot and sweat continued to drip into my eyes but I knew I had to do it because it's a "summer thing" and I have to do as much as possible, and then I decided to go for a late night bike ride listening to the sweet sounds of the buzz bugs. I think they might be called Cicadas. I prefer buzz bugs. Not long into the ride I realized my front tire was flat. I walked it to the nearest gas station, didn't have four quarters to get air because all I brought was a debit. So I paid the $4.oo atm fee in order to get a $2o so the clerk could give me four quarters. So a dollar air fee turned into $5.00. And then I figured out some little bastard stole the cap on my air thingy (thus the reason it was flat.) I noticed this after I paid. So I filled the tire and rode home very quickly before it went flat again. So like I said, WTF Summer why are you pulling these nasty tricks on me? All I am trying to do is desperately hold onto you for a second longer.
Luckily, I am starting to pull out of my deep, deep depression. My bouts typically last less than 24 hours, I think it's similar to the 24 hour flu thing. I didn't realize you could catch depression, however, hmm that's kinda crazy- is this a pun? I bet I got it at the Farmers Market on Saturday in Omaha, I saw a lot of glum looking fellows sitting at their stands with no customers. But when the stand next to you is Eric's Enchiladas and they're giving away free samples what in the hell does the soap carving man expect? I know my choice, I made it twice, even. Oh speaking of Saturday, it was very nice to see a plethera of my old college pals at Tye and Zach's engagement party. Unfotunately, Kate and I missed the memo on not getting drunk too early and our night ended sooner than we would have liked. I think Chris said we were both a bit sleepy by the time we got to Prestige. Someone may or may not have even fallen out of a booth... Oh well, live and learn, we'll be better for the next engagement party.
But back to researching Facebook Girl. Next chapter I'm thinking either: Life Goals or Facebook as Craigs List- think "Hot boys wanted to help me move. Beer and short shorts included."

Chpt 9 On Profile Photos and Photo Albums

Refer to the Rule of B’s.

When choosing a profile photo the best advice is to simply follow the Rule of B’s- boys, boobs, booties, booze, boots, balls, boyfriends, black men (yes I said it) bikinis, bars, babies, bunnies, ext. The more B’s in the picture the better. It’s pretty standard stuff. I only figured out the Rule after extensive, long hours spent researching Facebook Girl. And then once it dawned on me, it was so obvious. I started to wonder who else knew about the Rule? Believe it or not, I found a few Facebook Boys who know the rule, as well. But that is another chapter.

So as I have mentioned a time or two, a profile picture is one of the most important photos you will choose in your Facebook life. If Facebook was a reality show on ABC, the best profile photo might be called the First Impression Photo. It is the first shot in which others will judge you, I mean until they start creeping on your tagged photos and photo albums. Now most people choose a profile photo from one of their photo albums. If all goes well, a new photo album will typically result in a new profile photo. Unless of course you suffer from the Winter Ugly Disorder as I myself do and tend to look more like a cast member from The Hills Have Eyes and opt out of most photos from about November-March.

Common indicators that you might have a PPP (potential profile photo) would include some, but are not limited to, the following criteria: skinny side arm, tan face, voluminous hair, not drunk eyes, sunset in background, new outfit, or any photo which clearly indicates you are on a vacation- to name a few. It is also pretty standard to choose a seasonally appropriate photo i.e. Football photo during the fall, ski photo for winter, spring break photo for spring and of course lake photo for summer. Of course exceptions can always be made during birthday and engagement months, as well.

The connection between a photo album and profile photo for Facebook Girl pretty much doesn’t exist. This is merely because most photos are taken solely for the purpose of a new profile photos rather than being chosen from an album. Should it be the case the photo did happen to come from an album it is most likely because Fbgirl said to a friend something along the lines of, “here, take a picture of me having fun because I really need a new profile pic.” Another great idea on her behalf, I feel. By doing so, she never even has to attempt to take a camera out to capture shots with other "friends" in the photo. I know I only have about a thirty minute window from the time I am finished getting ready until the time I have had a few drinks in which I might take a photo that is acceptable. Facebook Girl just makes sure to take a good photo by taking it before even leaving the house. And by taking it while she is getting ready. A few prime settings would include the bathroom (obviously) full length bedroom mirrors, or even a drivers seat in a car has become quite popular I have noticed. While learning to work a self timer is the best option, using your own extended arm can work, as well. And it's best if the photo is always of just Fbgirl, anyone else in the picture is just distracting. Regardless of what you might be wearing (dress, skirt, low cut anything, or even a nightie) just refer to the Rule of B's. If there is not at least 3 B's, don't even bother. Booty+boots+booze= good. Booty+boobs+boots+bikini=great! You get the idea. The best part about all of this is that by the conclusion of the numerous profile photo shoots taken Fbgirl often finds herself with her very own photo album created. An album of just her!

FbGirl: "Pretty bored so I just added a few new pics, check em' out... I mean when your gf isn't around. lol."

Oh don't be coy Fbgirl, you don't have to pretend you only did it because you were bored. LTISM.

FbGirl: "Pics from last night are hilarious. Omg. Can't believe how crazy we got."

And by "we" do you mean "I?" Because the only photos seem to be of you, unless of course it wasn't your self timer taking the photos of you drinking two margaritas at once in your bathtub.

FbGirl:"Some people are just creepy. I just got a message from a man who looks like he's 40 saying I am the girl of his dreams. Gross!"

Double gross! Why would a photo of you blowing a kiss with your hair in pig-tails dressed in a school girl outfit make a creepy man dream about you? Ick!

FbGirl: "You gotta be pretty obsessed with yourself to have an entire album of just you."

Just when I think you won't give me anymore you throw something like this out.

Monday, July 26, 2010

Summer blues

One of the bad things about loving summer as much as I do is that I have that much unlove for when I know it's coming to an end. I've been so upset about this that I don't enjoy doing the normal things I usually like i.e. blogging and Facebooking. Even a new profile pic from Fbgirl featuring booty popping/boobie busting and the peace sign didn't provoke any kind of comment from me. Nothing. And I didn't win the lottery on Saturday night as planned. So if I don't win Wednesday night I will seriously have to get on my plane on Thursday to go to culinary training. I really didn't think this day would come. I was for sure I was going to get rich this summer by laying out all day somehow. I just can't face the humiliation of going back to high schools dressed like a circus entertainer. It's so degrading for me. I just want a job that Katherine Heigl would have on one of her romantic comedies. A job where I get to wear slimming penicl skirts and drink lattes all day and make frantic phone calls about important things but always manage to make it to happy hour. Where do I interview for that one? In the movies it usually always consists of one of two things: a publishing company or an advertising firm. Well, I did wear pencil skirts when I worked at Sandhills I suppose... but I don't recall Katherine Heigl working on projects that dealt with taking the measurements of tractors. Or sneaking away to the bathroom to hide in a stall for twenty minutes at a time.
In my slump right now I won't even allow myself to watch Bravo or MTV because it just kills me watching people like Snooki and Danielle drive around in their Range Rovers doing nothing. At least on The Hills the kids were going to be rich regardless. But back in the good old days being born in Jersey was a sure pass to shittown. Now I feel like anyone from Jersey suddenly has a golden ticket. Every show is Jersey something. Jersey wives, hair stylists, retail owners, plumbers, hookers, hos, anything from Jersey= reality show. How much longer do we have to wait until TV discovers how sweet the Midwest is? Although I forsee that being a bit of a problem because there probably wouldn't be a whole lot of drama, and if it's about people our age I have a good feeling they'd just get too drunk on camera to even speak. And then the entire next day would just feature hungover eating. Like Runza and Amigos and McDonalds and zero conversation in between except "I feel like hell," and "I need grease" and "why do I have so many bruises on my legs?". So really not much talking at all. Just eating and drinking. I still think it would be a good show though.
I think I need to do something to pull myself out of this funk I'm in. So I will probably go to sleep now. I've heard that helps. It's best to sleep as much as possible with as little exercise as possible, just stay in bed in your pjs with the shades drawn for long hours at a time thinking of all the reasons your life is not going in the direction you were hoping. I think that was the advice given on a depression commercial so I'm gonna take a go at it.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Chpt 8 TMI

As if the whole concept of Facebook isn't just a little more than some of us bargained for.

Let's pretend for a second that Facebook in itself isn't just one big ball of Too Much Information. Sure, it all started simple enough. Back in the day we were only allowed one profile picture to show the world how good looking and fun we are. There was no such thing as photo albums, or even tagged photos. It was the responsibility of just one photo to tell the FB world what kind of personality you hoped to portray. This was a difficult task to say the least. I would sometimes go months without taking a profile worthy photo. Throw in the deathly pale months of winter and the outcome was not pretty, literally. Imagine a Facebook world in which you don't have access to your ex best friend from high school's tacky wedding at the school auditorium? No, thank you.

But it was the addition of status updates which really flipped the Facebook world upside down. It's hard for me to remember a time when updates weren't available. How did people keep track of each other? How did people brag about vacations, concerts, promotions, ext? Did people actually pick up their phone to call friends and family to inform them of every minute of their baby's day as they now do on Facebook? And most importantly, did people actually write physical letters to various subjects in life, example: "Dear Sun, please come back," "Dear final exam, I hate you," "Dear cop who pulled me over, you suck."

Intially, I felt Facebook had made a huge mistake. What was the point of updates? That was what Twitter was for. Facebook was no longer only for college kids, now this? I was mad. I swore to myself I would never update, and I would forever judge those who did. Well, I gave it, obviously. I still remember my first update. It was during a low point in my life in which money was hard to come by so I had no other choice but to sell my body for the sake of medical investigation. It's not something I am proud of, although it did pay for a trip to Europe so I suppose it wasn't all bad. After about four days of no social interaction with people under the age of forty, and with no more than four teeth at MDS Pharma Services, I turned to Facebook to voice my distress in an update. It was something along the lines of, "get me outta here."

Status updates began simple enough, a "TFIG" here, an "Excited for the game" there. But somewhere along the line posts lengthened and became a bit more personal with each Facebook day that passed. The weekend posts turned into in depth details regarding every drink and food consumed and then later thrown up, the "I'm having a baby," posts turned into an unnecessary play by play of all twelve sweaty hours of labor- with pictures to follow. So who is the one always drawing the new line in the sand? I think you might have an idea.

Fbgirl: "The D'Leons from last night is hurting today. Never again ughhh."

What makes you think anyone really wants to know about your mexican enhanced bowel movements?

Fbgirl: "Just left surgery. I am so swollen and black and blue. Owwwwy."

Never a need to inform the Fb world about something which is "swollen and black and blue."

Fbgirl: "Why doesn't this flu go away? I just want to stop throwing up everything I try to eat :("

And again, no need for this. We would have been okay after "away."

Fbgirl: "WTF do babies eat?Why does this kids diaper look like Hamburger helper and Doritos. Never having kids!"

Thanks for ruining two of my favorite foods.

Fbgirl: "why does my dog like to poop anywhere but outside, especially right on my new couch?!?!"

Why do I have a feeling Mark Zuckerberg is sitting in his L.A. mansion at this very moment still chuckling to himself about his little college project known as "Facebook." He's a millionaire because he figured out people want to post about their dog's shit, and even worse, people like me will continue to read it.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Chpt 7 Inspirational/Contradicting Thoughts

Because we've all got our own internal battles.

Facebook opens the door to many aspiring psychiatrists,spiritual leaders, motivational speakers, and the like. Whenever I need uplifting I merely scroll my mini and am able to find an abundance of inspirational quotes and advice posted by someone in the Facebook world. Who needs encouraging quote calendars anymore when you can have daily encouraging status updates? Whether it's from Marilyn Monroe instructing me on guy advice, or tips about partying from Animal Houses' John Belushi. Although, as popular as these two are on Facebook, I typically try to stay away from "how-to's" given by people who kill themselves from a drug overdose. This is just a personal rule, of course, what I do I know. Audrey Hepburn is always popular for style advice, and Mother Theresa's kind words live on, as well thanks to Facebook. You can always tell what kind of day someone is having depending on the severity of their chosen status,"Every day is the chance to start a fresh new chapter." I'm going to guess this is the after affect of getting let go from a job and after about four months of unemployed depression they have finally decided they are going to attempt to pull themselves out of it via Facebook. This could also be a two month old boyfriend break up, as well, I don't quite smell the desperateness however. "If He brings you to it, He will bring you through it." Oh, tough one. They brought "Him" into it so this could always be something a little more severe. Perhaps a teen pregnancy?

For the most part, an inspirational update never steers too far away from the person's actual personality. For example, a quote update from myself such as, "He didn't just whisper I love you into my ear, he whispered it into my heart," would be an instant alert that someone had broken into my account. As would, "We young and we fly, and we stay that way til we die," unless of course I was making fun of someone else- which I would never do. It's not that I do not like to post inspirational updates, well come to think of it I actually don't, it's just not in my Facebook personality to do so.

Facebook Girl just hasn't seemed to figure out who she truly is. Or at the very least, who she wants people to think she is. Her statuses may stand out, but at the same time her voice is completely lost. It's almost as if she took Meredith Brooks's lyrics to "Bitch" a little too seriously. She has so many different types she needs to fit in all within a days updates, sometimes there simply is not enough time to be a girly girl, and a guys girl, and a church girl, and a slutty girl and a scholarly girl. There are only twenty four hours in a Facebook day.

FbGirl: "Is soooo thankful I was raised in the great family I was. I thank God everyday for steering me in the right path toward where I ultimately want to be in life."

Isn't that usually down town?

FbGirl: "Let's get F**KD up tonight!!! I need to be drunk and table dancing in less than 2 hours!!"

God appreciates the use of the asterisk, continue on the path.

FbGirl: "Some people are so rude and heartless it makes me sick. I don't understand why it's so hard to just be nice. Just smile people, it will make someones day :)"

I agree. I don't know what this world is coming to.

FbGirl: "Just saw the two ugliest old guys at the mall hahaha omg when they said hello to me I looked at them and said R U serious?!!? lol people are so dumb."

Why didn't you "just smile?"

FbGirl: "Just remember that everyone is fighting their own battle."

Do you mean on Facebook or in real life?

FbGirl: "Note to crying/screaming girls at bar last night: GUYS DONT LIKE DRAMA. And U wonder why U dont have a bf!?!"

So you mean real life.

Schlitterific

I finally got to fill the void in my summer of the thrill of a water slide. Yesterday my mom, sister and I went on our first Schlitterbahn experience. Boy was it Schlitterific! Talk about a great water park nestled away in the empty spaces of the northern Kansas Citys badlands. At first thought it might appear a bit questionable, but take no notice to that fact that the parking lot is in fact right next to an abandoned 1800's court house. I'm sure that old building will be torn down/meth exploded in no time. Oh, and disregard the old water ferries that are decomposing and partially sinking in a small pond off to the left of the entrance, as well, it all adds to the personality of the park I think. Once you enter this world of fun you'll be glad you did! And the best part is that you can bring in your own coolers,or if you're feeling really extravagant bring in your own KFC buckets as we saw one family do. You can bet every other family with their PB&Js were oogling those chicken legs! Technically, alcohol isn't allowed, but I didn't see anyone sniffing water bottles, so that's obviously how you get around that one. There are four slides, one of which is a roller coaster water slide. I would recommend tucking your legs as tightly into your tube as possible when riding this one to avoid breaking an ankle when you are suddenly dropped and then immediately shot back up into a tunnel slide. It would also be a good idea to invest in a one piece, even one with an attached skirt, given that the "guards" at the bottom of the slides are all boys around the ages of 16-17, they were practically crouching on their knees hoping to catch a glimpse of a nipple. The other highlight of the park had to be the Turbulent River. Think lazy river meets wave pool. Although, stay clear of rafts with overly large riders. There was more than a few times when I saw my life flash before me as large waves carried ominous looking rafters right in my direction just begging to be flipped on top of me. The only downfall to the day was that in a park full of Slurpee sipping kids and their beer guzzling parents I never once saw a line for the bathroom...
So tonight will be one of my first Tuesdays without the Hills cast to hang with. What am I supposed to do now? Hang out with teen moms from 16 and Pregnant? I guess I am kind of interested to see why Caitlin broke up with her baby daddy. I wonder if teens these days dream more of being on Sweet 16, or 16 and Pregnant? I'm gonna go with 16 and Pregnant because that's completely within their control to land a spot on. Touché MTV. Out with the music videos in with the exploitation of teens. Wonder when they'll start the show The Real Slutty Girlfriends of Middle School?

Friday, July 16, 2010

Chpt 6 Regarding the Daily Routine

Information we are all dying to know.

When I am trapped behind a long line of traffic at a red light it is always my first instinct to grab my phone and check my mini feed. It’s really become more like a natural reaction these days, I see red and I reach for my phone. I am not checking for anything in particular, most times though, I see something that peaks my interest which will lead me to do a little more “fb investigation,” as I call it, going onto the person’s actual page, and then sometimes onto another person’s from there just to get a little more background behind the initial status which led me there. I am especially intrigued with any type of congratulatory post, whether it be for a job, engagement or new pregnancy. The worst part is when I can’t figure out the exact reason for the congrats. This is especially aggravating and sometimes very time consuming depending on my amount of interest in the person. I’m twenty three years old, of course I am going to want to get to the bottom of any post congratulating someone on a new job. All twenty three year olds want a better job than the one they have, so if someone else managed to land one, we need to know where, and preferably how. And if it’s an engagement I need details on how it happened, where it happened, or at the very least a picture of the ring. And given that the notion of privacy is so 20th century I will usually get to see all of this in a matter of minutes in a 2-3 page photo album entitled “I said yes!” The pregnancy is the easiest to find out, Facebook typically sees the first sonogram before the dad-to-be does. We also get to see the baby grow every step of the way. This can sometimes get confusing when the only photo posted is of a girl standing in the mirror with her shirt pulled up over her slightly protruding belly with the caption “11 weeks.” I mean, whose to say she just isn’t taking a photo of herself after not dieting for 11 weeks? These are all examples of very important moments in life, moments I might have missed had there not been a status update.

I will admit, I sometimes take advantage of Facebook as my easy outlet to relay useless information. Facebook is that insecure friend I have been looking for all of my life who will listen to all of my pointless stories from the day and will patiently await while I unload my complaints about various subjects in life, mostly the TSA. I try not to abuse my insecure friend too much though, only posting when absolutely necessary (like vacation destinations where it’s essential people know where I am.)

For some reason or another, Facebook Girl is under the impression her whereabouts for all twenty four hours of the days must be accounted for. I can’t help but wonder if she signed a different contract when first signing up with Facebook than the rest of us did. Perhaps it is actually written in her contract that she is required to post daily what she will be doing at all times before she could actually click “yes, I agree,” and log into Facebook. Her page is truly a stalker’s paradise. And when I say stalker, I am not referring to the ex girlfriend sorority girl Facebook stalker. I mean it in the Shawn Johnson, Erin Andrews stalker type. From the moment she wakes up in her Victoria's Secrect nighty to the moment she winds down in her "bathtub with an entire bottle of wine," the day is documented. I think it's great. Facebook works something like an agenda book, it keeps one on task. If I put on Facebook that I am going for a jog in my new two piece Baby Phat workout outfit I better do it. And if I put on Facebook that I am having a dance party in my room to the new Miley CD I better do that, as well.

FbGirl: “Working out, homework, lunch, tan, dinner, Movie time with my besty!”

Thanks for the play by play.

FbGirl: “DAY OFF=mani, pedi, eyebrows, tan, workout then going out :)"

So that’s how you get that million dollar profile body.

FbGirl: “Study, workout, study, study more, study…when can I sleep???”

I would suggest exchanging a few hours of Facebooking for sleep time.

FbGirl: "Busy, busy day!! Ahh sometimes I feel like I don't have time to breath."

But always time for Facebook. All is right in the world (Facebook world.)

Apology to celebs.

Last night at dinner Chris compared me to Ari Gold. When I asked him to please repeat what he had just said he immediately began back tracking, thinking he had offended me. He just meant to say he could see how some people might be a bit intimidated of me and my somewhat "sarcastic persona." The worst part is that I was at first deeply complimented, until I realized he meant it more as an insult. Not intentionally of course... He then went on to say he just felt bad for celebrities sometimes because of the way people (me) are constantly making fun of them. I guess I didn't realize Chris had become an advocate for the Treat the Celebs With Kindness campaign, especially because Chris has no idea what he is talking about in that area. When I asked him which celebs it was that he was so sympathetic for the only two names he could think of were Tiger Woods, big surprise, and the second was Paris Hilton. I had to bite my tongue from giggling when I heard the second. I didn't have the heart to tell Chris people stopped talking about Paris in middle school. I just think Chris is legitimately sad that his hero Mr. Woods turned out to be as big of a schmuck as Ron Jeremy. When news of Tiger's sluttiness first broke and I told Chris about what my mags were saying he didn't believe a single word I said and continued to criticize the "stupid trashy stuff" I read. Well now that the skanks are officially out of the bag Chris is upset that Tiger won't be remembered for his game as much as he will be for his, well, other game. I love awful puns. Boo woo, I'm sure he'll get over it. I tried to explain to Chris that the most ridiculed celebs are those who deserve it. He even stood up for LiLo and said she got a worse sentence because of who she is. Had our food not arrived just then I might have left the table! Of course he didn't know she had already missed three other trial dates on account of partying too much at Caans Film Festival. And why didn't he know? Because he doesn't do his homework in the trashy mags department. This is one subject he should not battle with me because I will win. I told him it's not as if I thrive on celebs messing up, I mean I do like Selena Gomez and Dakota Fanning. It just so happens that a large majority of young Hollywood falls into two of my favorite categories: eating disorders and drug addictions. Oh and cross dressing children, as well. But if there are any other sensetive souls who have been offended by the way I "tear celebrities to pieces in one sentence," I apologize. But I assure you no celebs were hurt in the process of blogging.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Chpt 5 Haters and Creepers

Because bikini profile photos are
meant to be seen by only the closest of 3,000 Facebook friends.

This is a tricky subject for me to comment on given the fact I am a self proclaimed "creeper." The only difference between myself and others is that I have learned to embrace my creepiness- for the most part, anyway. I embrace it in the sense that I now feel comfortable enough to begin most stories with, "I saw on Facebook that..." I no longer feel the need to premise a story with, "So I don't stalk Facebook but..." Although this is all within context, it depends greatly on the person with which you are sharing the story. There are still many FB taboos which must be avoided. For example, a few years ago my friend from Omaha began dating a guy whom I had not yet met (in real life, anyway.) I just knew the basics: interests, music preference, favorite quotes and of course what he looked like. Well one night I happened to see him out, forgetting I had not met him in real life just yet, I immediately went over to say hello. I Introduced myself as Jeni's friend from high school, and said how nice it was to see him in "person." Realizing my faux paux I mumbled a few excuses as to how I knew him and quickly walked away. I got lucky, this was simply a boy FB awkward moment. He didn't make much of it, as most guys typically don't. Girls, on the other hand, are a different story. A good rule of thumb is that if you wouldn't say hello to a girl at 2:00 p.m. in the afternoon at the mall, it's probably best not to say hello to her later that night at a bar and then proceed to ask her about her recent family vacation and the funny post her roommate made to her regarding their perverted neighbor. Strictly a suggestion though. Simply because we know certain information does not make it necessary to comment upon. Truthfully though, I consider myself a "friendly creep." I don't check my mini with bad intentions. I check it for the same reason I read US and People. Because peoples lives intrigue me. Facebook is a gossip magazine full of people I know, what could be better than that? It's like endless pages of "stars! They're just like us!" Only it's "facebookers! They're just like me!" Some are anyway.

Creepers and Haters is one of those areas in which I can't help but hold up the hypocrite card regarding Facebook Girl. Because she herself often falls into both categories and yet still frequently complains about both. You can't tell me that someone who spends that much time on Facebook isn't doing a little of her own creeping. That's like saying the hostess as Vals Grand Buffet doesn't eat the bread sticks, it's just not realistic.

So Facebook Girl wastes many posts regarding the creep infestation on her page. I'm just not sure what one expects when 95% of her photos consist of skimpy bikinis and Kelly Kapowski mini dresses. Throw in some fake boobies and the creeps will come a calling. Add a few posts mentioning how "lonely" or even better "drunk and alone" you are and you'll have to beat them off with a stick (or just the delete button?) Oh, and just a little FYI posting about "pillow fights" and "pajama parties" will probably have the same affect, as well.

As for the problem with haters, well for all the same reasons I mentioned creepers creep, well that's a good bet why the haters hate. And the haters are obviously girls, fellow Facebook Girls. I think it's a bit of a territory fight in a sense. It seems there is a constant struggle as to just how many Facebook Girls can live in one zip code. Between the "discreet" wall fighting and threatening statuses, "loves when trashy girls start shit with me. Sorry your guy wants nuffin to do with ya. Ha," there is some major unnecessary hostility going on here. Don't they realise that while they are wasting precious posts in order to bring the entire Fb world into your cat fight they could be doing much more positive instead commenting on photos and walls, "You are like too pretty" and "omg u look just like Megan Fox" or the standard, "you look hot ow ow." I only wish Facebook Girls would realize there is enough Affliction and Ed Hardy to go around, there truly is no need to bring each other down- I mean unless Brothers someday closes.

FbGirl: "um deleting like anyone 35 and older on my friendlist. Old pervs."

And the reason your friends with 35 year old men is what?

FbGirl: "if I get one more message from a nasty guy asking me out I'm going to freak out!"

Oh, let's be honest now Fb girl, do really care that much, or do you just want Fb world to know you're getting asked out?

FbGirl: "why do guys dt think it's ok to just grab my ass whenever they please? Fml."

This might be a long shot, but did you happen to go out in Victoria Secret shorts that said "grab my ass whenever you please" across the butt?

FbGirl: "thinks it real funny when girls start drama bc they obviously have nothing else to do. Lmao."

Not everyone has the Facebook app, give them a break. And what's with Lmao? It's as bad as FML. I'm still waiting for LTISM to take off (Laughing Til I Shit Myself.)

FbGirl: "haters don't know I just take it as a compliment. Can we say jealousss?"

We certainly can.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Chpt 4 Regarding Facebook Holidays (Halloween)

It's the most wonderful time of the year (to creep on photo albums)

Halloween is the December 25th of the Facebook world. Of course other holiday times are celebrated such as Spring Break week, 4th of July and ugly sweater party season, which is a close third to the other two. But sadly sweater parties seem to be wearing out their welcome as of late. What was once a fun time to scavenge Goodwills and your mom's closet for sweaters covered in buttons, ribbon, lace and everything Christmas has been cheapened to newly purhased green and red sweatshirts from Wal Marts featuring a Santa Clause hat wearing Jonas trio.

Let's get back to the subject at hand: Halloween. Somewhere along the way I have a sneaking suspicion a Jewish college student confused Hanukkah with Halloween because it has now become a 12 day celebration. Halloween is comparable to the Oscars of Facebook- whatever you choose to wear will be photographed numerous times and will undoubtedly be spoken about, as well. As in most aspects of life, guys are very lucky in this area as they are awarded on the humor and creativity of their costumes. The more politically incorrect and racially inappropriate, the better. Unfortunately for girls, the humorous costume does not win any points. It's what I refer to as the female comedian stigma- you have to either be a lesbian or severly overweight to be considered funny (prefably both.) So we are left with options of a. sexy or b. slutty. And this is a very fine, usually low cut, line. So most of us choose a few fun outfits (cat, witch, fairy) and dress innocent enough for the first few nights and then maybe end with with something a bit more on edge like sexy cat, sexy witch, fairy ext. But this just doesn't cut it for Facebook Girl.

I am just waiting for the Halloween law to go into effect making it legal for girls to go out in public completely naked during the Halloween season. I don't think this is too far off. This is the one time of year a Fb Girl actually has to go out of her way to look slutty on account of the fact that normal girls are dressed in shorter skirts and lower shirts than normal. I imagine this is a very stressful time of year for Fb girl, and each year only seems to get worse. Just how little of clothes can one wear? And that isn't the only obstacle, the costume must also be appealing to guys' interests- afterall, she is the ultimate "guys gal." Thus enters booty shorts fireman outfit, bra top boxer girl or busty baseball girl- all baring the stomach area. I feel so old fashioned saying this, but I really believe it's the bare stomach that sets a facebook Girl a part from the rest of the Halloween girls. But like I've said, no judgment, simply admiration.

Once the costume is zipped and boobs are out and the cheekys are peaking the next task might be the hardest of all: the perfect "I want to look kinda innocent but also a little naughty" photo is to be captured. If all goes well, this should be the new profile picture for at least the next week. Rules regarding Halloween photos:
1. Take group shots only when absolutely neccesary.
2. Take as many photos as possible before actually going out. Learn how to use the camera's self timer, bathroom mirror or cell phone can be substituted, as well.
3. Never pose fully facing the front. Refer back to rules about standard "perfect profile shot."
4. As mentioned earlier try to keep other girls out of photos, but a variety of guys in the photos is most ideal.
5. Alcohol must be present in photos at all times.
6. Only smile for photos in which mass amount of fun appears to be going on. See rule 10.
7. Take at least five dancing photos- this is a time other girls can be in photo as long as girl on girl grinding is underway.
8. Never take a jello shot with a group of guys without first taking a photo to capture the moment.
9. Hands should always be on hips unless blowing a kiss or putting arm around boys.
10. Most importantly, assume pouty kissy face at ALL times. God forbid a photo appears on FB with flat lips.

FbGirl: "just ordered my 3rd costume. Can't wait for it to be here in 3 weeks!"

How about that. Didn't realise the Deb delivered.

FbGirl: "feels like a fireyyy night good thing I've got my fireman hose!"

Ah yes, if Priscilla's starts on fire tonight you will be the first person to call.

FbGirl: "five nights of costumes...who will I be tonight?! Handcuffs or whips?"

The suspense is killing me.

FbGirl: "eww. Y is DT full of so many skanky costumes. Grosssss."

Due to lack of comment, I'll end on this one.

The Hills... Finale?

So it was all on a set? No. I don't believe it. I literally had to rewind the last five seconds of the episode like five times just to fully comprehend everything. I don't know what kind of voo doo mind games MTV is trying to play on us but I don't like it. Initially, it was all about claiming the Hills was real, then it was only a little fake, and then they decided to just completely pull the curtain and claim everything took place at like a studio or something? Are you telling me K Cav's cute house I always raved about was actually just a set, no different from SJP's apartment in Sex and the City? I think this is MTV's way of trying to pull a fast one on the viewers, as if to say "gotcha! it was all a big joke." We all know the Hills is fake, that has never been the question, but to what degree? The thing that makes me wonder is how we often see photos/clips by the paparazzi of the Kardashians filming around town, or even clips of real shows filming like Gossip Girl in NYC, isn't it a little strange we never saw photos in US or People of Lo and Audrina lunching? Or Brody and the guys playing golf? I don't know what to believe. I'm glad it's done. I don't appreciate being jacked around. So does this mean that the Hills kids are awful actors, or exceptional? If Audrina was cast as "pretty numb girl," she nailed it. She needs an Emmy. To clarify, I did mean "numb," not dumb. Kim once described a girl as "numb to the world," I felt this applied to Aud, as well. More confusion, Kim Ruud, not Kim K, I don't want to confuse my celeb friends with my real life friends now. And what about Steph? Is she actually a Julia Roberts in the making? My mind is spinning I just keep going back and fourth. And what about Spencer and Heidi? Did MTV kill them? I really think they might have because they are no where. I feel like MTV has a secret island where they ship off all of their cast away faux celebs like Kurt Loder and Carson Daly and Talon and Frankie. But as hard as MTV tried to make the last episode all sad and emotional I just found it difficult to find any sympathy for these kids and the fact that they were all at that point in their life where they didn't know what to do. Welcome to the club, assholes. The only difference here is that you're joining the club with wealth and fame- something the rest of us are still trying to attain. I don't even really want fame, I would def just settle for wealth. But you know what, in that matter, you're not even in the club. You can all go on living in Malibu making money doing absolutely nothing if you play your cards right, hell even if you don't play them right life will probably continue to smooth sail for all of you. So enough with the "quarter life crisis" shit. What's the crisis about? You didn't envision your life living in the hills of L.A. in a mansion getting paid to play out fake convos and fights? Well follow in LC's steps. Go write a book, call it LA Cookies, or LA Brownies. It will sell. And this is when I know it's time to cut it off, when I start ranting about LC's "books." I nearly ripped Chris' head of yesterday when he asked me what was wrong with her books. I am sure they're great. Very insightful and exciting, just like her.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Chpt 3 Alcohol and Party'n

Too drunk to function, but not too drunk to post.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, whore.

Alcohol and Facebook are a dangerous combination. It’s very similar to Red Bull and Vodka. Initially, the drunk post you leave on your friend’s wall seems so incredibly funny and necessary you might get a slight rush from posting it. But just like Red Bull Vodkas, the very next day it is quite possible you are in a great deal of pain and regret from the night’s shenanigans- swearing off RB’Vs for the rest of your life. Now don’t get me wrong, I’ve read numerous drunken posts that I find to be quite comical, but, nine times out of ten I am laughing at the drunk person, not their post. And that tenth time is usually because I’m the drunk one who accidentally posted something to my own wall.

I'm not claiming to be a saint, I, like every other freshman, once thought it very cool to inform the FB world about how much alcohol I could (couldn't) drink on weekends, and Football game days, specified holidays i.e. five days of Halloween and sweater party season, and that occasional random week night. Although, might I remind you that my freshman year was during an era that was pre mini feed. So technically, my drunken posts were only for my routine creepers to see. Or so I thought. I learned my lesson the hard way regarding alcohol and Facebook and family members as "friends". Apparently not everyone saw the humor in a few posts/albums commonly referring to a little known college epidemic called blacking out, or as I prefer to call it, time travel. But that's neither here nor there. The point is that as Facebook users we mature, we learn what should be posted and what should be kept to ourselves. That is unless you are a Facebook Girl.

Recall how I compared Facebook Girl's relationships to middle school. Well, her relationship to alcohol is very close to that of high school. She has discovered alcohol as a passport to cool land, and so she intends to use it until the day it expires. A post with anything alcohol related is sure to get a "like" or comment from at least a few people. It is the answer/solution to most of the questions/problems in her life. But do not assume for a second that she is an alcoholic, I prefer the term fauxcoholic. Because often times it seems her alcohol posts are more the result of craving attention rather than drunkenness.

FbGirl: "Margarita party in my bed. Come if you'd like..."

Now this just sounds messy to me. I hate changing my sheets. Why on earth would anyone propose such a sticky salty "party" in their bed?

FbGirl: "Tequila doesn't just make my clothes fall off it makes me want to kiss all hot boyyyyyyyss I see tonight!!!!"

Well, I suggest trying a new alcohol then. Have you never taken a family trip to Mexico with your family, if this is your immediate reaction to tequila it would be wise to drink daiquiris.

FbGirl: "Besssst night dt eva... HOpe I remember it tomorrow. Hollla!"

Thanks to the fact you are posting this, I feel it's safe to say you will at least remember part of it. But, in the meantime, I suggest to you what I suggest to all FBr's having "the time of their life" on a vacation/wedding/best bar in the world, get off Facebook and enjoy this "besssss night dt eva."

I digress. These are merely the cases of Facebook Girl during her positive reactions to alcohol. Just like high school, we often see cases of Facebook Girl breaking down, exposing her true emotions after a few too many drinks, and posts, of course. Her once carefree cavalier attitude about sexy men and relationships and also about friendships seem to slip down an evil slide. For most people these dark emotions are bottled up, only exposed when absolutely necessary to a few close friends, as they should be. But a Fbgirl exposes to a few thousand Fb friends.

FbGirl: "Y do I even go out. All guys suck and treat me like shit. I hate Lincoln bars."

Oddly enough, Lincoln bars have been asking this same question about you.

FbGirl: "Another stupid drunk night alone."

I'll allow you to take just one word out of that sentence. Which will it be?

FbGirl: "Too drunk to move. Want migos. Hate boys and most girls."

But not to drunk to log in?

And so to end with a phrase I use too much but don't truly understand- to each their own.

Monday, July 12, 2010

Hills from the begin'n

I am so happy I've had nothing to do these past few days so I have been able to fully devote all of my attention to the Hills marathon. I can't get enough of the oldies when Heidi looked like a person and Lauren still had emotions. I saw her cry everytime someone ditched her (Heidi, Audrina, Stephen, Jason, ext.) Hmmm, when I think about it that way no wonder she's become emotionless. I probably would do the same if I was getting screwed over left and right. But things could always be worse, she could look like her elephant chinned lil sis. Speaking of Stephen though.... where on earth did he go? He needs to come back, or have his own show, I heard he's on the WB but who honestly watches that network? I stopped as soon 7th Heaven was taken off air. Stephen is just oh so cute. He needs to be dating someone really good like Lady Ga Ga. I'm kidding. But I totally remember that episode that Lady Ga Ga was on back in '08 when Lauren and Whitney-ink were supposed to "style her." I remember thinking that the show was so lame they couldn't even get a good artist... Good thing I'm not a music recruiter. Ugh speaking of recruiter I am starting to see my free days of summer dwindle away. I pretty much have only three weeks left before I have to go to Chicago to reunite with fellow culinary recruiters to learn new knife skills and recipes. Only three weeks left to lay out. Awful. I try to tell myself to pretend that this is a real job, because I mean it is, and most people would be ecstatic to have three weeks off in the summer. But I have a poor work ethic so I end up complaining either way. I guess I'll just have to hold out that I'll win the lotto before summer is over so I don't have to go back to the days of Chef coats and Converse tennys and highschool snots. I can't think about it for now, I just can't let my mind go there.
I'm debating if it's worth my time to watch Ali skip and bop around tonight at her boyfriends' family visits. I think my time will be better spent preparing for the Real Housewives of New Jersey episode. Danielle is one of those character's I really despise, but not in a good way like Allie Lutz, Danielle is the type that I truly wish was not on the show. She drives me crazy. She looks like a slutty rat, like if there was a cartoon movie about New Jersey rats she would play the skanky girlfriend of the evil fat rat.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Chpt 2 Regarding Relationships and "Sexy Men"

But is it Facebook official?


A relationship just isn’t legit until it’s published on Facebook. In today’s social networking world we need to see the notification “went from being to single to in a relationship,” followed by a heart symbol in order to fully recognize a relationship as real. Same rule applies for engagements, marriages, and worst of all, broken relationships. If it hasn’t happened on Facebook, nothing is for sure.

An engagement on Facebook has almost become better than a birthday on Facebook. Unlike the old days when only close friends and family were informed about new engagements, thanks to technology, the cousin of your middle school math teacher is now able to write “congrats” on your wall minutes after your fiancé pops the question. And the cousin can even see your ring if you uploaded a picture via phone, as well. And so within hours of saying “yes,” one can already have hundreds of congratulatory posts from Facebook friends proclaiming how happy they are for a couple most have never met.

And so every great relationship begins with six simple words, “should we put it on facebook?” This is basically the same as asking are we ready to tell the world? Because once a relationship is signified on Facebook, that very thing happens. In 2007 when I began dating my boyfriend, Chris, this was one of the first things I said to him after he “officially,” asked me to be his girlfriend,

“I don’t want to do the whole Facebook girlfriend thing just yet,” I said to him immediately after I told him I wanted to be his real life girlfriend.

Guys aren’t quite as in tuned with the social rules of Facebook so I could see I had confused him. But my reason for not initially putting this new relationship on Facebook was anything but scandalous. It was actually an attempt to save myself the humiliation of having the post “is now single,” on my wall a mere week or two after having put “is now in a relationship,” if he were to suddenly decide I wasn’t as cool as a girlfriend as I portrayed. Obviously, this never happened because three years later we’re still together. But admit it; it’s a nagging thought that goes through all of our minds in the beginning.

This whole Facebook relationship process is a bit different for Facebook Girl. Facebook Girl goes in and out of relationships shamelessly. It’s almost comparable to middle school dating. One day her status is “in a relationship,” and less than forty eight hours later she is listed as “now single,” according to a mini feed anyway. And then within hours there is a good chance she is “in a relationship” once again. The time frame varies of course, depending largely on whether the debacle is occurring on a week night or a weekend, I might add. Other situation altering factors would include alcohol consumption (duh,) statuses of other females who might be involved in the particular situation- good or bad, but when we’re talking about Facebook Girls it’s pretty much always something regarding “get yo own man,” or “loves when other girls talk smack bc they jeal,” and also new photo albums uploaded entitled "Bootyshaking/Shot Taking Nights DT." So what does this all mean for Facebook Girl? A helluva a lot of newsfeed coverage for the Facebook world to view.

But back to relationships in general. A Facebook Girl has much advice (complaints) regarding this subject.

FbGirl: "Tha best way to get over someone is to get under their bestfriend(s.)"

Refreshing words to live by.

FbGirl: "Why are all boys playas? Well gurls can be plays to. Hellls to the ya."

More inspring words from a Fb girl.

FbGirl: "Who wants a bf when bein single is sooooo fun with my girls? GIRLS NIGHT LOVE MY FRANDSSS!"

You go girl.

FbGirl: "Sumtimes I just wonder why no guys treat me the way I should..."

Perhaps it's because you're a "playa," who loves "girls night with frands." Perhaps.

Chpt 1: First Things First

Facebook wasn’t built in a day

I think it was the creation of the mini feed which changed everything on Facebook. The mini made creeping seem less, well, creepy. People I had never thought to look up before were suddenly popping up with new photos posted, relationship statuses or posts proclaiming new jobs and engagements. Prior to the mini feed I never would have cared what Tessa, a girl I went to grade school with but never actually spoke to, was going to choose for the colors of her bridesmaid’s dresses. Not that I care anymore now, I’m just more aware, I suppose. That is one of the many beauties of Facebook, it makes us “aware” of the things we wouldn’t have known regarding people we most likely wouldn’t say hello to on the street. But just because we don’t say hello doesn’t mean we don’t know the nicknames of their dogs and cats, the color of their new Honda or the way they felt about last night’s episode of the Bachelor.

I’m not 100% sure why the mini chooses the people it does to appear on my feed. But from what I understand, the more a person posts obviously increases their odds for popping up. Thus enters Facebook Girl into my life.

In the beginning I did not take much notice to her updates. They were lost in the mix of other standard statuses regarding hangover levels “I’m never drinking again,” being single, “single and sexy with my girls tonight,” and over used quotes, “never make someone your priority when you are only their option.” Blah, blah, blah. But eventually, as MySpace became a place strictly for pedophiles and porn stars more and more people were turning to the social networking sight featuring the blue faced man. Facebook updates began to multiply. And so did my specific Facebook Girl’s statuses.

I place a great deal of blame on my iphone regarding the amount of useless personal information I know about my fellow Facebookers. All I have to do is click the Facebook application on my phone and in a split second my screen is full of ridiculously non important updates. And on any given day, Facebook Girl is responsible for a bulk of the activity. So simply checking my phone in short moments of downtime -waiting in lines at Target, slow moving traffic (sorry Oprah) and every other spare second during my day, I think it’s pretty evident how my interest began in this person. I can’t help the fact that I was intrigued by her threats toward other readers, “Haters: If u mess with me I will effing rip your life apart,” see Haters and Creepers. And also by shenanigans that seemed only to be normal everyday occurrences for her, “So I pulled up to a sexy guy on a hot bike and gave him my number. he's like umm I met u and ur my facebook friend. Lmao good start to a Wednesday.”

What can I say? I was hooked. Soon enough I would learn I wasn’t the only one entertained by her outlandish updates and racy profile pictures. Facebook Girl had an entire secret following of other girls just like myself. Fellow girls not brave enough to post photos of themselves in polka dot bikinis and knee high boots. Not liberated enough to spat evil words into the Facebook world for all to see regarding cheating boyfriends and backstabbing friends.

Then it dawned on me, if me and several other people are entertained, perhaps Facebookers’ all over would be, as well. Like I’ve always said, it’s a small Facebook world, after all. So after many grueling hours spent on Facebook (researching) I offer you a year of insightful updates and statuses in the life of a Facebook Girl regarding only the most important subjects in life (Facebook life, I mean.)

The book that never was.

So in the small amount of free time I have had this summer in between laying out and random trips across the Midwest and nightly cocktails starting around 4:30, I have been trying to legitimize the massive amount of time I spend researching on Facebook. I would like to do something with the large amount of knowledge I have gained via FB about people this summer, i.e. "time spent with besties," "wedding season underway"," sexy tan lines and flip flops," you know the standard stuff. So anywho I started work on a little project I called "Facebook Girl." It's not about me of course, my book would probably be called "Facebook Creep." I've spent many hours researching my favorite Facebook Girls all in the name of this book. After roughly two weeks of work I've sadly come to the conclusion that it's just not good enough. I was inspired by the Twitter kid "ShitMyDadSays," if you haven't checked out this book I highly recommend you do because it's hilarious- think Red Foreman meets Ari Gold. So after much blood, sweat and beers, I made myself realize what I had known for a few days now, my FBgirl book was not turning out nearly as funny as I thought it might. My dream of going on Chelsea to talk about the book and then also casually bring up the time that her security guard had called me to say I couldn't write her anymore fan letters just so we could share a few more laughs and then we would obviously plan to meet up afterward for drinks has slowly diminished. (I mean for now, I'll figure out a new way new week.) It's okay though. This isn't the first book that hasn't panned out how I hoped. The ghost thriller I wrote in 3rd grade entitled "What's Really Hiding In My Attic," was never picked up by Goosebumps but that didn't stop me. It wasn't a total loss, it kinda felt nice to pretend creeping on Facebook was my job. I truly enjoyed myself. I've decided to post a little from the intro just for shits and giggles.

Facebook Girl

The girl we all want to hate but can't help but love.

Life's greatest lessons reflected through statuses.

Introduction:

We all know a Facebook Girl. Whether we know her in the real world, or simply in Facebook world- which let’s face it, is sometimes better than the real world. She occupies our mini feed with her constant status updates and always changing profile pictures usually consisting of either a bikini, alcohol or a cowboy hat, sometimes all three. Her lips are pouty and her eyes are begging. The photo is self taken in a large bathroom mirror via cell phone, or simply by extending one’s right arm as far as possible to capture that perfect profile shot. A “perfect profile shot” consists of lots of cleavage, tousled hair and glancing over one’s shoulder mid booty pop. A Facebook Girl has perfected the pose. And we love her for it.

Her status updates are unpredictable, ridiculous and unintentionally comical. Absolutely no subject is off limits. On any given day a post will include boyfriend debacles, details of drunken escapades, painfully bad style advice, or harsh words directed toward a fellow Facebook Girl. One of the guidelines to be a Facebook Girl is that no details (humility) are to be spared in a post, whether it’s a comment on a photo, wall, or just a good old fashioned status. A Facebook Girl’s actual page is similar to a Hannah Montana movie- it is acceptable to mock in front of others, but never actually permitted to admit checking it out. But after all, her overly dramatic life is just our entertainment.

So to the Facebook Girls’ everywhere, don’t think we’re judging you. We’re honoring you. Because the Facebook world simply would not be the same without you. Who would bored employees stalk while sitting at their desks waiting for 5:00 p.m.? What photo albums would students click through to make time pass in a boring lecture? And most importantly, whose status updates would I check while sitting at a red light?

Thursday, July 8, 2010

It's a wonderful life.

Today is one of those days I could do on repeat for the next month or two. I am dog sitting in Norfolk since my mom is moving Jordan away and my dad doesn't know how to care for two dogs at once. He watches Jags our doberman and I am in charge of Izzy the yorkie. But ya, Jordan is making the move out of Nebraska, he just fell in love with San Fran I guess. Pretty crazy, we spent just a few nights there a couple weeks ago and next thing you know Jordan couldn't stop talking about the culture the city had to offer and the festive nightlife and the wonderful theatre district and he just couldn't wait to get back there, said he "really found himself." Good for him. So this week with my mom gone it's been my job to watch the doggies and tend to the pool. I have also helped my dad with the grocery shopping a bit, as well. Today his list consisted of a 12 pack of Bud Light, 6 pack of Corona Light, Tonic water, and a 6 pack of "Slim Shady." And of course two Papa Murphys pizzas. So I asked him,
"Uh dad, what exactly is this Slim Shady 6 pack you want me to get?"
"You know, that summer drink. That summer beer."
"Ohhhh k. You mean the Leinenkugels Summer Shandy?"
"Ya, that's what I said. Slummer Shindy."
My dad also refers to the SAT satellite button in his car as the Saturday button. If he doesn't know something, he makes it up. This makes the task of renting movies for him especially difficult.
"Is that new movie Hot Tub Kid out yet?"
And by this he is combining Hot Tub Time Machine and Karate Kid. I've gotten better at translating with time.
But anywho, I've spent the greater part of today simply relaxing by the pool. I think I am finally over my 4th of July hangover so I am going to celebrate by meeting my dad for happy hour at the 5th Street Bar. The 5th Street is almost identical to the bar off of It's A Wonderful Life, so I like to pretend I'm George Bailey when I go there and I am drinking to get away from the troubles of my annoying piano playing children and financial woes. It's just a weird act I like to play. Alright not really, but I do think about George whenever I'm there. And then it's Ricardos time. Ricardos being the mexican/American restaurant owned by my relatives that my family has been going to for dinner every Thursday night for the past 17 years. I am beyond excited for the refried beans.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Hills edish.

So I miss one episode of The Hills and I come back to find K Cav has gone soft on me. Will someone tell me what in the hell happened in Costa Rica? Did someone slip her a sensitive pill or something? I think she cried like three times in this last episode. And who is the Brodester's new gf? Why is MTV holding out on us? I bet it's like Kim Kardashian and they're waiting to bring it out till the last episode because they know everyone will freak out since they are technically step bro and sis. That would be such a good one to end on. And wonder where Cav is "moving" to... I hope it's the Jersey Shore. I could see some serious clashing going on between her and Sammy Sweetheart. Speaking of stupid people, how about Casey when she asked Kristen, "so were you like mad Brody was ignoring you?" Gee, I dunno, Casey. Were you mad when you heard that The Hills is coming to an end and you're going to have to go back to your fake bartending job? Casey without Kristen is like Stephanie Pratt without alcohol-it just doesn't work. And Stephanie, if you're parents are as good as you claim how in the hell did they produce a creepo like Spencer? What went wrong there? Then again, Heidi's mom was able to raise a monster and also an alcoholic in the same house too, must be like a trade off, I guess. I don't have much more to say about an episode that had revolved way too much around Mother Goose Lo. So let's move on to another much more important aspect of TV: Jake vs Vienna interview. How does one go from being a pilot to trying to be some sort of D list Hollywood actor? Might I add, I first typed C list, and then immediately retyped D list. I might regret saying this, but I was kind of more on Dirty V's side after everything was said and done. Jake's nasty ass cheesy smile just convinced me more and more that he is such a closet wife beater. Their petty arguing back and fourth was just too much for me to handle. Are they really that hard up for cash that they agreed to talk about their one week old break up with Chris Harrison just to make a few bucks? And what's the status on Mr. Harrison? How does a grown man wake up in the morning and think "well, tonight I get to host a fake conversation with Jake and Vienna about their fake relationship and the dog that broke them up." Playing pretend talk show got old after middle school. Jake, Vienna, Vienna's dog, your time is up. Get over it. Move on and move out, or at the very least move on to ABC's new hit the Bachelor Pad!!!

Monday, July 5, 2010

Peanutbutter jelly time.

I hate weekends that take me a few days to recover because then before I know it it's the weekend again and I'm back at square one. This past weekend is going to be hanging on me until at least Wednesday. In the meantime I plan to nurse it clean with food. Today I have visited both McDonalds and KFC. My corn bread was cold so I decided I better call the lady at KFC when I got home and yell at her. I feel kind of silly about that now. But no one likes cold corn bread for God's sake. Mc's was delish as usual, but my experience was slightly tainted as I left when I saw two obese people waddling in. I hate seeing extremely large people right after I have eaten a massive amount of something awful. Chris also noted how waddling large people always seem to have that look of anguish on their face at all times when they are in motion. Something to think about next time I decide it's a good idea to eat french fries, fried chicken and nachos within a five hour time frame. The nachos weren't even good which was extremely disappointing. Due to lack of shredded cheese I put squares of sandwich cheese on Tostitos thinking it would be just as good. I was wrong. Just one of those life lessons you have to learn the hard way I guess. Aside all else, between Parent Trap on Fox Family immediately followed by Hocus Pocus accompanied by a pan of Scotcharoos, this has been one of my better hungover days. And really I'll take a hungover day in exchange for a great 4th of July weekend anytime. Now I'm somewhat timid to say too much regarding what a fun time I had in Fremont because I do not want to be mistaken for a "Fremontster lover", because I am not, Norfolk is still better, but I did enjoy myself. Sitting at the Coffee Pot after a long night I told Chris that it is very possible Fremont has more ugly people than Norfolk and he even agreed, but then again he told me the Coffee Pot wasn't exactly the place to make that assessment. I especially liked the signs on tables that said "be right back, went out for a drag," that certain waitresses left behind. Nothing beats being served by fresh tobacco stained fingers. But what I liked most about this weekend was that it was a throwback to college. Between taking pulls of Vodka in a room full of crying girls, shotgunning beers in the middle of the afternoon, and listening to Jami Redding sing "Peanut butter jelly time" at the top of her lungs at 3 in the morning while eating spoonfuls of cold Mac N Cheese, you might have guessed it was 2006. I haven't seen as many people passed out on couches as I saw at Kari's house since the days of West O. It almost brought a tear to my eye. So thank you, America, for allowing a bunch old college friends to gather for a long weekend to forget how boring our lives our post 17th street/O street/the bar/Schmeegs/everything else that made those 4 years pretty great. And acceptable of binge drinking. But really, I'm just glad I made it out of Fremont without having to watch that damn VHS Kari owns of the Girls Districts 2004 Norfolk vs Fremont. Although, I bet it doesn't work anymore considering she probably watches it every night.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Hello weekend.

Remember that feeling of exhaustion after staying up all night at a slumber party? Like the kid hangover? Well I am suffering that hardcore thanks to my week at camp. We concluded today at 1:00 and I had every intention of coming home and cleaning but fell fast asleep for about four hours. And I am not a daytime napper, so that's kinda a big deal. But anyway, it was a tearful good bye today for many campers. Friendships were formed, new relationships bloomed. Apparently it only takes about five days to find a new hot love for artys teenys. I just hope it lasts through the week, and by hope I mean I could care less. Meanwhile, drama was going down for another camper when her boyfriend broke up with her via text! During class, never the less. This was the same camper who had told me earlier in the week that her boyfriend was "devastated without her home." He got over that fast. But less camp talk more fourth of July weekend talk. In a matter of hours Chris will be picking me up and we will be en route to Fremont. Sometimes I feel like I'm cheating on Norfolk when I say how excited I am go to Fremont. It took me a while to accept that Fremont isn't the horrible place that I thought it was. There was a time in high school when I would literally doodle "I hate Fremont" on my notebook. I didn't do this because of my Norfolk pride, but more because of my hatred for Fremont girls basketball. They weren't even good,but through an awful fluke they knocked my team (the #1 seed) out of districts. I still get sick when I think about it this awful day. Whenever I start to think I am officially over it, Kari Schafersman always seems to pop out of nowhere to remind me of it. The ref made a bad five second call, and that call robbed me of achieving one of my ultimate dreams of going to state bball. A dream that Kim was able to live every year of her Southeast basketball career, damn it. And the part that really gets me about that is the fact that she was still probably drunk from the night before while playing. Such bull shit, I didn't drink for four years in hopes of going to state bball and look where that got me. See what happens when I start thinking of high school basketball? I go on tangents. No more negative thoughts though. I have a very fun weekend ahead of me. I am especially excited to feel like I have friends again this weekend! It's been quite a while since I have gone out and known more than one person. I am almost nervous I won't know what to do, how to socialize around a large group of people. Especially people over the age of 16. Happy fourth to all of you, may you be full on booze and food for the next four days! USA USA USA!!!
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