Monday, August 30, 2010

Entourage

So I'm just getting home from a very intense twenty minute walk (it was way too hot, otherwise I would have gone longer obviously) and as I was unlocking my door I noticed a particularly large spider web that had formed on the upper right corner. I notice things like this so it was clearly a new web, anywho, I step inside and think I feel something in my hair, I told myself it was probably just the wind and for one of the few times in my life did not immediately begin shaking my entire body like an idiot as I usually do when I think there is a bug on me. I stepped inside and when I looked in the mirror I saw that it was indeed a large spider at the top of my head. So now I freaked out, and shook my head all over the place until I was sure it had to have fallen from my head. Then I realized that there was a definite possibility that the spider could still be on me, so I freaked out some more taking off every piece of clothing possible while jumping up and down. It was an awful experience I just went through about thirty minutes ago, I am still breathing heavy from it. Finally, I saw the spider a few feet away just calmly watching me, or I should say mocking me, really.

Besides the spider fiasco everything else is good in Topeker. We had our annual kick off meeting last week, what a pump up meeting that was, let me tell ya. It got me so motivated to go out and recruit the shit out of every senior in Kansas. The head of the school began the day be telling us that,
"your alls jobs is very important to us." I'd like to note that I literally wrote this line down in my planner right after he said just to make sure I could re quote it correctly. This is a man in charge of an educational business, by the way. But
I'm not judging, if I have learned anything in my time here in Peker it's the grammar is so overrated. As long as da people can half way understood whats yous are saying dat is really all dat mattas. Our entire group went on to discuss plans for the art camp 2011, one idea was rather than letting the kiddys run around at the plaza like we did this summer, instead we could just give them a bus tour of it instead. I didn't realize the Kansas City plaza had become a scenic tour? But, yes, I could see the students being thoroughly entertained to ride in a bus up and down three streets being marveled by the chance to catch a glimpse of fancy stores and the occasional fountain. Another great idea by the coworkers!

Last night I spent a great part of the evening watching the Emmys. Given my experienced eye for television, I felt it only make sense that I watch the entire show from start to end. Jimmy was better than I thought, sometimes I feel like he is that kid in grade school who just tries too hard to be funny and the cool kids can usually see right through it, but last night he was entertaining. Modern Family cleaned house like I hoped they would, I wish the Office would have gotten a few more awards, but I'm assuming they'll just win them all next year for their last season. Entourage was no where to be seen... And I am sad to say I can see why. I don't know what's going on with this season, but it just sucks. I used to watch this show and barely be able to contain myself from booking a flight to LA after every episode. I literally used to have dreams of joining Vince and boys' entourage, I used to think that if I got a disease and became a Make A Wish kid I was going to wish to hang out with the cast + Marky Mark for a day or two. But I no longer want cancer after this season. The porn star girl is nasty, Turtle's gf is way too cute to believe she dates him and Vince's bad acting is more blatant than ever. Ari still wins my heart every episode, and that's why last night was particularly painful to watch. I just feel like the only one excelling right now is E. And he is the last person I care about. I would rather watch Scott Caan than E. I'm not saying I am completely writing this season off just yet, because I still have hope it can get better. But as of late, I get more excited after watching an episode of Teen Mom than I do Entourage, especially when it's an episode when Gary proposes to Amber.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

The List

So I'm sitting on the couch watching a very important television show when Chris comes running in with obviously big news to deliver,
"So I was looking at this list that just came out that ranked the top 50 college bars and guess who is #1?"
I respond with,
"The Brail? I mean the Rail, I mean the Bar?"
"No, Duffys." he replies.
"Who?" I ask.
"Duffys."
"Who?"
"Duffys."
Exactly. It's not that I don't like Duffys, because I think it's a great chill bar in all... But it's not exactly the first bar on my list to stop at when I'm back in town. It's not even on my list. Drinking out of a fish bowl is fun like once, maybe twice. Then again it could have been the rum and diet fish bowl that just ruined me for life I suppose. I guess I should just be thankful a Nebrasky bar made the list, and number one at that. The Wheel at KU also made the list, and this whole time I thought the wheel sold only pizza. I was kinda sad/happy to see that the Hawk didn't make the cut. I don't know why, but I feel like the Hawk is like a Lincoln bar's older cousin who is very similar, but for some reason just thinks they are that much cooler and can just boss everyone around. But just for our cousin's sake let's all take a moment to think about the fun times had there.... That is probably one of the few things I am happy about regarding graduating college during the time I did, being able to experience the fun of Lawrence. How sad for the little ones these days having to party at Iowa. Ewww.

But besides the fun of reading the bar list and being able to cross off a few I have been to in the area, the other entertaining aspect was reading the angry comments college students posted beneath it. Of course each student was claiming to be from the "biggest drinking school," and had the reputation for having a campus that was noted for "consuming the most alcohol on any given weekend." Newsflash idiots- every campus has a drinking problem. I really don't see how any college can claim to drink more alcohol than another, I mean unless you're from UNO because everyone knows UNL drinks more. I kid I kid. But really, who is to judge which school is a bigger party school than another? There was actual comment arguments forming between people on which bars were missing from the list and which bars didn't belong on it. I'm gonna guess that if you are taking the time to comment fight about this particular subject there is a good chance you have never even been to a bar, and Brothers doesn't count.

So TGIT. This means it's almost the weekend. And I am returning to Norfolky for a few days to celebrate Jade's wedding. Oh wait, that was last year at this time, damn it. I think if I could do that wedding weekend over again I would do two things:
1. Not fall asleep in a plate of nachos in my wedding rehearsal dinner dress on my parents couch.
2. Not let a Norfolk stylist do my hair to look like I was the 5th member of Flock of Seagulls. Even as I was taking the pictures at the church I was thinking to myself how it would only be a matter of minutes before I would look back on these pictures and think, what in the hell is going on with my hair. Most people can at least give themselves ten years. My photo could have been sent into Ellen the very next day to be shown on her "What was I thinking" segment of bad family photos.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Back to school... (insert the rest of cliche Billy Madison lines)

Well much to my dismay I didn't become a millionaire this summer as I had originally planned. So today was my doomsday. Begrudgingly, I had no other choice but to admit to myself I had to go back into the classroom. So I pulled my white chefs coat out of storage and my black Chuck Taylors from the closet and dressed myself in shame. My first destination being a high school I swore to myself I would never return to under any circumstances- er, unless the circumstance was one that included myself living in the same town as said high school. So at 10:00 a.m. there I was, head to toe chef attire, wheeling a red cooler in one hand and a rolling Wal Mart brief case in the other. Back to my life as a circus entertainer traveling from high school to high school juggling bananas and knives.

So, if I'm being completely honest I guess I should say that my classes today weren't really all that bad. The students were surprisingly receptive to everything I said, and they all raved about the Asian Watermelon Basil salsa. It was pretty crazy, actually. This was the same school that last year the students were completely freaked that I was making a salsa that included fruit, and that wasn't red. And that fried chicken wasn't on the menu. Perhaps all of the bad apples graduated in 2010? Then again, I know all too well that I shouldn't start getting excited just based off of the first day, because as soon as I start to get cocky some kid tomorrow will tell me my food is disgusting or that I look like Drew Barrymore- both of which are two of my biggest pet peeves. On the bright side I am one day down, only 146 more to go until I can return to my real job of laying out.

But let's return to the important issues: reality tv. Specifically a new show on Discovery (a channel I now watch thanks to Chris) a show that is called Swap People: Life in the Bayou. Think Waterboy meets Children of the Appalachia. So obviously you can tell it's pretty great, if you haven't watched it yet, I recomend you do. I should mention that it really helps if you keep the captions on while watching, unless of course you speak Bayou. This show is full of toothless people, shanty homes and of course plenty of drama, thanks to the best gator hunting family in the south. As you can imagine this family is pretty proud of themselves, but what family wouldn't be arrogant if they could claim the title of catching the most gators in a single year? I am still anxiously awaiting for Vienna to make her appearance on the show. In the meantime, I try not to let it bother me too much that "swamp people" have managed to land themselves a reality show... and I still haven't.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Not This Girl

Talk about a fantastic first Saturday in Topeka. It all started at a little restaurant/bar close to Chris's work called Quintons. It was a cute little place, had kind of a college feel to it. The place you would go with a bunch of friends after a night of drinking to re hash funny moments. You might even say it was a bit like Bison only with chubbier, non sorority waitresses, but still the too short jean shorts, never the less. And then I read the menu and saw they had a sandwich called the California Kid, this was my first clue. And then there was the Cab, and TAC and bread bowl soups! What was going on I wondered? Could this be a sister restaurant to Bison? Was there even such a thing? And when the food was served on trays and I knew I had died and gone to Bison. Sure enough, after a little googling I confirmed Quintons is in indeed the older brother of Bisonwitches. So if anyone wants to come visit me here in Peker we have our very own Bison to go to, only less lines and faster service! Not to mention less chances of running into people you might not want to see the day after an embarrassing night in downtown Lincoln.

Next on the list of fun was a little tour de Westboro Baptist Church. Some of you may or may not know, but Topeker is the hometown of that crazy pastor Fred Phelps and his occult followers who frequently protest soldier's funerals and the like. We had a feeling we had found the church, which is nestled away in an old neighborhood, when we saw the large banner strung across the side that read "Godhatesamerica.com." I made Chris drive by at least five times so I could make sure and get a proper look at the place. I'm assuming Mr. Phelps' house of hell might have a problem with vandals on occasion because there was video surveillance everywhere, and a few penis graffiti drawings on the garage door. I'm sure the homosexuals who drew those took great pleasure in doing so, and I say good for them, Phelps has no right to say God hates gays. In fact, Phelps says God hates pretty much everyone, me included since I am sometimes a Catholic. Phelps obviously hasn't heard of purgatory because if he had he would know God keeps us Catholics on a VIP list for his club, I'm not saying this is right Lutherans and Methodists, so don't get your panties in a bunch. Its just an age old agreement between God and the Pope from hundreds of years ago. From what I understand anyway, Pope Benny the 1st must have had some major dirt on God to get him to agree to something like purgatory, but whatever, to each their own. But back to Phelps, on our third trip around the block we got the real treat of seeing old woman Phelps come outside to get the mail! I nearly screamed with delight! She snarled toward Chris and I until Chris threw her a secret Baptist gang sign of some sorts which caused her to back off. I told Chris that no matter how hard up we are for friends in Peker we will not join Westboro simply because he's Baptist and it's a way to meet new people. He put up a bit of an argument, but reluctantly agreed in the end.

Next stop: the Peker Plaza. Very similar to the plaza in KC, only more Debs and Wet Seals and less Burberry and Marc Jacobs. Still though, another great place. Friendly people and happy workers all around. It was like the Norfolk mall and the Fremont mall got together and gave birth to a little cigarette smelling baby. Chris and I felt right at home. So after we got some new duds from the Urban Outlit- which note to self is not an outlet for Urban outfitters as I thought- we were just about ready to go, dressed in our his and hers RocaWear velour jump suits, but not without a stop to the mall hair salon... So finally, with me in braids, and Chris with a fresh Nike swoosh shaved in the back of his head we were ready for a night out in Peker. So we headed to the bar a block from our place called Jerimiah Bullfrogs. If I know anything about bars in new places its always a good idea to start with something with an O ( O'Connors, O' Padleys, O'Quigleys) or something with a Frog (Billy Frogs, Froggys, Uncle Frogs) O'Dooleys was too far from our place so we settled on Jermiah Bullfrogs. The ratio of males to females was about 30:1.5, I was one and I'm pretty sure our waitress/waiter was the half. The drinks were cheap, the wings were big and mini burritos were the special, all the makings of a good night. No friends were made just yet, but who needs friends when Husker season is less than two weeks away? Not this girl.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

So much reality TV, so little time

I've been struggling these past few days thanks to Facebook. I can't stand to read all of the back to school posts, they make me sick to my stomach. Don't those college piggys realize how rude they are being to their alumni? Rub it in our sober faces just a little more about how much fun you are having and how many shots of Rumplemintz you are taking on any given week night at the Rail. See if I care! While you were all busy being too wasted to talk I was quite productive searching for the perfect creme colored bed skirt, and a set of steak knifes under $50. Drinking is so overrated as far as I'm concerned, I'm just gonna go ahead and add it to my O.R. list right along side friends, socializing, being famous, a college degree, and going out in general. In the words of Kim "pish posh," I don't need any of it.

Speaking of overrated, Jersey Shore is apparently the highest rated show on TV right now. I tried real hard not to watch it Thursday night just because I hate to think that I am adding to the fame and wealth of greasy Jersey shore kids but I simply couldn't help myself. I saw more happen in one episode of Jersey than I did in an entire season of the Hills- Ronnie was too drunk to stand, Angelina openly farted and Snooki claimed to have tasted it, Situation continued to make up more phrases in hopes of landing it on a T shirt, J Wow threatened to physically beat Angelina again, Sammi Sweetheart flashed the double flip off numerous times while exclaiming "I'm done" "I'm so over this" only to schnuggle with Ronnie the following the day and the other two Pauli D and Vinny played their part of the two dumb side kicks adding jokes on the side only when absolutely necessary. So ya, it's safe to say this cast of east coast rats have ten times more personality than any one on the Hills ever did. Although, even calling them rats right now makes me just a tad nervous because J Wow literally scares the crap out of me, remember that old song "Hood Rat Bitch," pretty sure it was written about her.

But back to The Hills, I've been hearing all over the news that the plastic surgeon famous for creating the new monster like Heidi, among other creepy celebs like Janice Dickinson, and the other old lady who is going on ninety seven but appears to be aging backwards- Joan Buttons? Or maybe it's Joan Rivers, anyway the doctor died when he drove his car off a cliff while get this, this is the good part, while he was tweeting! Wonder what the tweet was, "shit, just fell off a cliff!" What a devoted tweeter, you gotta respect that. On the other hand, this could all be a publicity stunt, I smell scandal- or is it burnt flesh? Eeek too soon, my bad! Perhaps a new reality show is on the way? Speidi is for sure behind this. I'm already excited! As excited as I was today when I saw my fav teen moms, Farrah and Macy on US this week. You go girls! This show always reminds me how I so missed the boat on being 16 and pregnant, live and learn I guess. But the article said that Amber, the chubby mean one dating the kind hearted Gary, is going to become a mixed martial artist for her profession. I so could have called that, she has martial artist written all over her.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Scamma jamma

Long time no blog. As it turns out, moving to a new place with only a few days notice is actually quite hectic and doesn't leave much down time. Five hundred trips between Overland Park and Topeka and I'm almost finally settled. All I have to do is get a Tweety Bird tattoo on my ankle, flower on my wrist, and a tongue ring and I will officially be a Topekan. I can't wait til I pick up a twangy Topeker accent. I can already feel it a coming on. See, would ya look at that, I'm already adding the unnecessary "a" before words. Today on my tenth trip to Home Depot I found a family of five looking closely at every riding lawn mower for sale examining which could "hold da most burrs," and which would "have a lil room for ice in tha back." Other than the fact I have been running between Pier One, Target and TJ Maxx at least three times a day, Chris and I are making our appearance known here by going out to eat at all of the finest dining. We started with Pizza Hut, Quiznos, then Qudoba and ended on a fancy note tonight with Boston Market. Yes, the eating is good here in God's land. A real gem of a place this is I am quickly finding out. I am anxious to go to the zoo soon, although nothing compares to Henry Doorly, so I am sure I will just be disappointed. But,all in all I am quite content in the apartment Chris and I chose. It took a lot of searching but we found a good place that didn't require us to show a welfare pass at the door. I even had a few internet rental scammers trying to get in my way. But luckily, scammer is my middle name and I saw them coming from a mile away and decided to have a little fun with the bastards. Here is a bit of our convo:

Me: Hello,
I was just wondering if this house is still available. Thanks.


Scammer: Hello,
Thanks for you response,I am the owner of the property available for rent, Am on a missionary with the General Board of Global Ministries of the United Methodist Church International, I am presently serving as Camp Director with the United Methodist Church in West Africa,Nigeria .I am responsible for changing the lives of countless children, youth, adults and families with disabilities and serious illnesses in Nigeria and all related works with other mission personnel.I am married to a wife named Faith and we are blessed with a 3yr old daughter Melinda, our current home is in the vineyard of the Lord in West Africa,Nigeria.The key will be send to the approval,If interested fill out this questions below:

Me: Hello, this house sounds so great. And you sound amazing, as well. Man, what a saint you are, God bless!! Be careful of them aids though, I hear they're worse than the herp! I would love to know more. Can I come tour it tomorrow? I will do anything.

Scammer: You must fill out form I provided. I love to rent you house. Please fill out name and banking information.

Me:

1)Your Full Name : Tayanna Peterhead Dirklick
2)Your Full Address & Phone Number : 1402 Wallabe Way 402-867-5309
3)How old are you...32
4)Are you married....Yes to a very wealthy man.
5)How many people will be living in the house...2
6)Do you have a pet....Yes, a pharrot, a squirrel and five parrots, and eleven hamsters.
7)Do you have a car....yes,many. I would like to give a few away, actually.
8)Occupation....:Doctor/Entertainer
9)Credit Score....perfect
10)Reason for relocating...husband is relocating to a new hospital
11)How soon are you will to move in. ASAP
12)How long do you want to stay.. a few years


Scammer: Hello Tayanna Dirklick,

Thanks for the information you have provided,we are very pleased with that and i would very much like to continue with the process, but first there are things you should know before we proceed.....


After going through the information you've provided and it really match our desire,we would like to send the following document to you threw (DHL) to the address you sent to us and the tracking number will be sent to you so that you can track it to know when the key and document we get to you and possibly occupy our property. you will need to make a Security deposit payment of $5000 is required to be made now which shows that you are willing to secure and move into the property as soon as possible. And payment we be made threw western union that is the only way that will can receive money in Africa so get back to me so that i can send you the information that you will use to make the deposit.


Me: This sounds awesome!! Thank you for your speedy response. Can I see the house before I move in? We just want to make sure our safes of gold will fit in the basement. And did you say the deposit was $5000 or $50000,doesn't matter either way. We are so excited to move. Tell me again where to send the money i would love to speed this long as we are hoping to move ASAP so we can also set up our adult film studio upstairs. Thanks again! Talk soon :)

And then I got bored with it and stopped responding. It was fun for a bit though.

But anywho, this time of year always makes me incredibly nostalgic for the little town that is Lincoln, Nebraska. Going through four hellish days of sorority rush was completely worth it for what Thursday night always entailed. I would do it all over again. Hell, I would go through two weeks of rush just to be able to have that first free Thursday night once again. Man, those were the days. I am just gitty with excitement thinking about the first Husker game which is quickly approaching. Talegates, and the bar patio, and talegates, and Sandys, and the bar, and Lazarris, and talegates. It's just too much for me to even think about right now.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

So... what do you think about Topeka?

So last Wednesday I got a text from Chris that read,
"what do you think of Topeka?"
And after that it all changed. Naturally, I was ecstatic that Chris had landed a great office opportunity in Topeka, KS for Edward Jones. I was only slightly disappointed he turned down his other offers which were in Manhattan, San Diego and Chicago, but we both decided it was best to stay close to home- on account of Husker season right around the corner, obviously. I love Topeka. Love, love, love it. I'm pretty sure my favorite teen mom, Amber, is from there. Or maybe it's Catelynn. Either way, I'm pretty sure me and Chris looked at a few homes in their neighborhood. In the end we settled on a very nice apartment in the southern part of town close to my favorite places, Target and TJ Maxx. The best part of Topeker is that you have to pay a toll to get into the town, so this really helps to keep the riff raff out of the town. Cost of living is cheap, traffic doesn't seem too bad, and by the looks of everyone I have met thus far, I might finally be the town beauty queen I've been hoping to be my whole life. Chris and I will be Topeka's new IT couple I can already tell. I already saw two large men staring at me and Chris the other day, and then when we went inside the apartment complex I watched them walk up to his car and try to get inside- probably just trying to get more info on us to sell to the Topeka tabloids, typical. We ended up not moving into that particular complex, apparently it was only for people on government funded programs or something like that. Who knows, like I said, Topeker is kind of a select community, they don't just let anyone in. I sure hope I can make some friends there, maybe I'll be able to meet some nice young FACs teachers. I recall the teachers from this town were extrememly polite to me, especially when one of their students told me the salsa I made tasted like vomit. And when their students got mad at me when they found out I wasn't making fried chicken. Oh, Topekans, I can't wait to call you my people. I feel like I was just meant for this land full of good honest locals. Overland Park was just so overrated. What with the safe neighborhoods, and outdoor patios at every restaurant, Dean & Deluca grocery stores, and a Starbucks and J Crew on every other block, makes me wonder how I lasted here for as long as I did. I definitely need a change of pace, and crime level/income per capita. It's time to be real.

So now I'm getting ready to move tomorrow, thus the lack of bloggage. I forget how fun moving is until you actually get to do it. Packing up boxes, and carrying down stairs and shoving in cars, then carrying back up stairs, and unpacking in clusters, all in 100+ degree weather. Nothing beats the fun of moving. I wish I could do it more. And don't forget about all the little random stuff like taking back cable boxes and setting up new cable and electricity and internet and all the hidden fees. The next few weeks ahead of me are going to be awesome!!!

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Chpt 13 Countdowns To Nothing

Is it really worthy of a countdown?

So when exactly did every single moment in life become countdown worthy? Sometimes I check my mini feed and freak myself out thinking I accidentally missed an important apocalyptic message because of the amount of "ten more days," "only three more," "down to eight," statuses filling my screen. Don't get me wrong, I love a good countdown as much as the next person. Three, two, one, just seems to add an extra element of excitement to a situation. But there is a time and place, is there not? Not just anything can be deemed countdown worthy. Countdowns should be reserved for only the utmost important moments in life, such as Space Shuttle launches, New Years Eve kisses and keg race starts. I just worry that if we continue to plaster countdowns on everything they'll become as meaningless as bumper stickers. Remember bumper stickers? I hardly do either. But there was a time when their witty slogans and catchy images actually meant something, and not just to middle schoolers or fifty year old woman Facebookers.

Let the person who hasn't ever posted a countdown throw the first poke, i realize we've all been guilty at one time or another. I know I sometimes just can't resist a vacation, birthday or especially, a Christmas countdown. So I'm not claiming a countdown is always a bad thing. Everything is fine in moderation.

So why does Facebook Girl feel the need to count down every second of her life? What is it that she is always waiting for I wonder. Maybe she is just counting down the minutes until it's time for a Profile Photo change? Or maybe it's not a countdown at all but 321 actually stands for the amount of activity she has had on her page for the day. Sometimes, she enlightens us as to what her magical countdown is referencing, but other times she chooses to let us all suffer with anticipation! And maybe I am just jumping to harsh conclusions, there is a chance her life is just that exciting that she has countdown worthy moments on a daily basis. Her wall activity would seem to back this assumption.

FbGirl: "Only 14 more to go..."

And then you will have officially added every one of your male Facebook friends to "your list?" TMI Fbgirl, TMI.

FbGirl: "four more days and I'll be in Mexico for a week!"

Here's a few "you're so lucky!" and "no way I'm jealous!" followed by the standard "bring me something cool back" and we'll end with the "I'm going to miss you!!!"

FbGirl: "four down, only one more to go! Its been hard work, hopefully it pays off!"

So the cream is working, I'm assuming?!

FbGirl: "Only 30 more days. Let the countdown begin!"

Until what? Next month?

The Edge

And the worst part of my year is over. Well besides the everyday humility I face walking into high schools catering to teens, that part is just beginning. But for the next two weeks I won't let my mind go to that dark place until absolutely necessary. For now I am going to enjoy doing nothing for as long as I can. All in all this week went pretty smoothly. I only got kicked out of the meeting once, so not too shabby. And it wasn't even a big deal, it was simply because my outfit wasn't considered "business casual." White pants/jeans don't fall into that category. But for the record, cotton spaghetti strap dresses worn over a t shirt are perfectly okay. As are winter corduroys, shiny gaucho pants and anything striped. Oh, and next meeting I am going to make sure to bring a silky tank top with lace on the bottom to wear under absolutely everything. Basically, when in doubt, refer to 1996 for style tips. I missed the memo on this little fashion advice somehow. Oh silly me and my drab J Crew button down shirts, I felt like such an idiot! I tell ya, my coworkers are belly dancing, tattoo showing animals at night, and fashionista professionals by day. Looking back, I don't know why I ever thought it would be appropriate to wear white pants in such a business professional setting! What with the classy hotel business room with the racing flags on the wall and ZZ Top background music. Not to mention the very serious conversations involving words like "shit balls," "poop a loop," and "ass lips." I should have known better, I suppose.
With all my business travel as of late I haven't had any time to catch up with my friends. And by friends I mean celebrities and reality stars, of course. I don't even know who Ali chose, although I'm really keeping my fingers crossed it was Chris Harrison, that man deserves love already. What kind of shenanigans did my favorite Jersey Shore kids get into? Is Snooki still battling that awful eating disorder she often speaks of? Has The Situation been arrested for statutory rape yet? And most importantly, which teens didn't kill themselves this week thanks to MTV? I sure wish "If You Really Knew Me" was around when I was in high school. Perhaps my fellow classmates would have understood me a bit more and realized I wasn't actually stuck up, but in fact just as insecure as everyone else. Okay, okay I couldn't even finish that thought without laughing because it's so blatantly not true. So what though, I shouldn't be blamed for not having low self esteem. My motto has always been "if you don't like me or want to be my friend thats your loss because I'm pretty great." I think my whole self esteem assurance probably started back in preschool when I realized I was the fastest girl in class, faster than the boys even. By foot, by scooter, even doing the backwards crab walk, it didn't matter I dominated it all. So ya, during a time when the absolute only thing that mattered was gym class, (looks weren't a big deal yet, coloring was pretty lame, and intelligence hadn't quite set in) I think it's just natural that those who ruled the tiny tot gym would go on to lead confident, self esteem full lives. High school athletics, college games, they don't mean jack. Preschool is where it's at. So if you care at all about the health and well being of your child you will start working with them young. I'm not talking anything too intense, just simple things like adding whey protein or creatine to their bottles. Light lifting programs, maybe a P 90 X video or two. Anything that will give them that edge when it comes to the bean bag relays and inflatable obstacle courses.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

It's just too much.

So you know the office episode when Michael Scott and Holly run into the conference room dressed in work out attire singing "let's get ethical" to the tune of "let's get physical?" That is kinda how yesterday began. We began our conference at 8:30 a.m. in downtown Minneapolis in a hotel that was decorated by the Miami Vice set designer. It was teal and purple meets art deco. Very eighties. Checkered racing flags hung from the walls of the hotel meeting room and the center pieces of the tables were adorned with mini trophies and race cars. So the theme of the week is NASCAR? I wasn't surprised, what did surprise me however, was when the managers came running into the room with head bands and wrist bands on, pretending to move in slow motion while Chariots of Fire played in the background. And so the day began. As did the Talladega Nights jokes, numerous "raise the roofs", and an abundance of one liners and infinite knee slapping and elbow jabbing. It's been a regular old comedy fest so far.
Last night was a "surprise event" which entailed a forty five minute bus ride with coolers of beer on board, to a lake where we would embark on a dinner cruise. I was expecting either group bowling or laser tag, so naturally I was pleased with the boat idea. The dinner cruise was quite delightful, for the first two hours, I mean. But long after the conclusion of dinner we continued to glide along the lake. I'm not a grump, I swear, but I'm only willing to purchase so many glasses of wine at $8 a piece while drinking with old strangers. Others thought differently. By the time we were safely on shore and the bus came back to get us there were a few people, I won't say names, who were acting quite inappropriate given the occasion. I'm not a prude by any means, but I've never been too keen about getting wasted with coworkers. It just seems weird to me. Perhaps I will think differently when I begin working for Chelsea, but I'll cross that alcoholic bridge when I come to it. So back on the bus we go. First it began with belly dancing, which led to the revealing of a tattoo, which then led to others wanting to show their hidden tattoo's in places that should have remained secret, which ended up with racy dancing in the back of the bus. Which obviously ended up with me keeping my head down not wanting to see anything I shouldn't. It was a classy work event to say the least. I have so many more stories to tell but sadly I am just sarcastically drained from all of the thoughts I've had to keep to myself all day long I don't have the energy to type another word. More to come tomorrow, airports all always inspiring.

Monday, August 2, 2010

Chpt 12 Messy Public Break Ups

Private breakups are so P.B.

Break ups are hard. They’re the very reason I refused to date anyone until I was twenty years old. I’d seen too many friends go through awful situations that caused them to either straight up go crazy, or gain like ten pounds. I wanted nothing to do with either. As I mentioned earlier, relationship rules aren’t quite like they used to be, thanks to Facebook. That being said, break ups aren’t like they used to be, either. During the time of P.B. (Pre Facebook) it was quite common for couples to experience week long break ups and no one would be the wiser, except maybe a few close friends or family members. Occasionally, this might still be the case with some people, even with the likes of Facebook. Taking down “in a relationship,” is just such a drastic move. It is pretty standard for a couple to leave that status up for as long as possible before they have to finally accept that their relationship is indeed in the dumps. As if a break up isn’t hard enough, Facebook proceeds to worsen it by plastering that awful broken heart symbol all over your profile page. And then of course the mini feed picks that notification up almost immediately and seems to post it on repeat for the entire Facebook world to see and talk about for hours on end. The online networking world is no place for the weak.

Others prefer to fly a bit more under the radar when it comes to break ups. The best option for some is to completely deactivate for a few weeks in the event of a break up. While this is a great way to scoot around much of the online drama, sometimes it does have the opposite effect because it simply adds to the speculation of the situation. Speaking from a creeper’s point of view, there is nothing more irritating than a person deactivating during a time of turmoil. No Facebook wall results in zero revealing wall posts left by well meaning friends. “Just wanted to say I’m here for you whenever you need me,”= girl got dumped. “The hardest decisions usually have the best outcomes… In the meantime can’t wait to go out with you Friday,”= girl dumped a clinger guy.

So let’s talk for a moment about Facebook Girl. Just like the rest of her life, this is a public affair, as well. Sometimes literally. For as quickly as she jumps into her relationships she seems to jump out just as fast. One day her profile page boasts a full heart and the caption “is in a relationship with,” not to mention a few statuses regarding, “is the happiest girl ever,” and “is so happy we found each other.” And then sometimes, not more than a week later that same heart is split right down the middle and is listed as “is now single.” It’s a tragic love story, but Facebook Girl seems to wear her love wounds as badges of honor on her wall. Because any press is good press, right? After all, what is the point of beginning/ending a relationship if it’s not on Facebook?

The love-happy statuses are entertaining, but not nearly as entertaining as the love-hate pissed off crazy ex girlfriend posts. Coming across these vengeful posts while checking my mini during the day are like finding a random dollar bill in your jean pocket- quite unexpected and yet completely satisfying! Break up posts have done for Facebook what Snooki has done for the Jersey Coast; added a double shot of vulgarity to an already full drink.

FbGirl: “I hope everything you have put me through comes back on you ten times over. I’m seriously sorry I ever met you but can’t help but laugh when I think of the skank you let start all of this. Have a good life loser.”

I’m sensing some mixed signals here. So are wishing negative things “ten times over,” or for a “good life?” Perhaps lack of communication lead to said debacle. Just a thought.

FbGirl: “Thinks you should probably come get any shit you still have at my apartment because in about one hour I am burning it all. If you think I’m kidding just wait.”

Wonder if she is burning it in the same pot as the rabbit?

FbGirl: “Just when you finally let yourself be happy for once in your life he takes all of that happiness and throws it away. For what reason I still don’t know.”

Come on now Facebook Girl, “happy for once in your life?” Don’t be so dramatic. Your spring break photo album circa 2009 begs to differ.

FbGirl: “Can’t take another heart break. How is this happening to me again?”

Look through all of your Facebook history i.e statuses, wall posts, profile picture poses, ext, and then ask this question again.

Come Fly With Me

Once upon a time Midwest Express was an airline known for its large comfortable leather seats through out the entire cabin that made one feel as if they were sitting in first class. The flight attendants used to come around offering freshly baked, WARM chocolate chip cookies to each passenger. A gourmet meal was always served for any flight longer than two hours, which was of course followed by another warm cookie. Yes, times were good pre Bin Laden. Had I known back in the 90's that flying would never again reach that level of comfort I probably would have tried to enjoy the moment just a little more. Maybe would have ordered an extra apple juice or two. I'm just not sure I took full advantage of the way airlines used to be, most times I opted out of the hot meal in exchange for the childrens cold meal. What was I thinking. Such a foolish eight year old I was.  I remember one specific time on a family vacation when the flight attendant offered us three first class seats for free because they were oversold in coach. My parents took the coach seats and let Jade, Jordan and I live the life of luxury, even if just for a few hours. Looking back I always think it was so generous of my parents to give us the first class seats. But now I cant help but wonder if they didn't make the choice they did simply to buy themselves a few hours away from us. I would probably choose coach over first class too if it meant being able to avoid a three hour flight sandwiched between an eight, ten and twelve year old. Not only were we annoying as hell but between Jade's preference for oversized flannels and constant perms, Jordan's buck front teeth and shaggy bull cut and my lack of teeth in areas where I definitely should have had some at that age, we looked like a trio straight from the back woods of the Appalachia mountains. It truly is a wonder to me my parents took us anywhere outside of the Norfolk city limits. 
But back to Midwest Express. The leather chairs are now worn and torn. The clean white walls have faded to a creamy yellow and there are no chocolate chip cookies in sight.  It's just disappointing. And the flight attendants are bitchy. I got yelled at for keeping my head phones during take off again. When are we going to drop this fake rule about electronics? Pilots are flying drunk, kids are helping instruct planes from the watch tower, people are planting bombs inside their Crocs, having a cell phone/ipod on during take off should be the least of their worries. I have a good idea feeling this rule was made up by a drunk pilot, trying to cover his ass anyway. "The pilot lost control while still on the runway due to some sort of signal interference with Party In the USA." Come on.
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