Friday, October 29, 2010

The Way the Cookie Crumbles...

I purposely haven't worked on this day for the past two years. "This day" being the last school day before the Halloweener weekend. I really can't think of anything worse than having being surrounded by highschoolers all strung out on Halloween candy and horny thoughts of their little girlfriends' dressed in naughty costumes. Ew. No, thank you. It's bad enough that some of the girls even try to wear their skanky costumes to school. Tights are different from leggings, I repeat, tights cannot be substituted for leggings. I've seen one too many chubby high school girls dressed in dresses/long shirts with nothing underneath except shear tights. This is not a sight I am comfortable seeing, especially when I am working with food. I'll use one of my personal days for this awful day, anyday. My mom told me I'm mixing up high school kids with elementary kids. Like hell I am. She hasn't experienced a holiday in a high school classroom. I might as well be in a kindergarten room surrounded by five year olds. Even seventeen year olds that normally would prefer to sit in the back of the room silently cutting themselves suddenly become Johnny ADD bouncing off the walls from excitement for the holiday ahead. And of course the moody emo kids are extra chatty because technically this is "their holiday." They finally have an actual excuse for the black trench coats they wear and those creepy pants with the velcro straps that dangle in the back. Like I always say, it is what it is. And that is a day I refuse to work.

So yesterday was my mother's birthday, more importantly her first facebook birthday. Oh what a treat it was for her. There wasn't a moment that I didn't find her on her phone anxiously checking to see who had written on her wall. You all remember the excitment of your first social network birthday, I'm sure, it's probably one you'll never forget. The joy of seeing that your brother's best friend's cousin from grade school wished you a happy birthday is a joy unlike any other. It took my mom a few posts to get used to this yesterday. Quite frequently she would say things such as,

"Oh my gosh, this person hasn't wished me happy birthday in over ten years," and,
"Do you think this guy would even know it's my birthday if not for Facebook?" and even, "I don't think this person would even tell me happy birthday in real life."

No, mom, they wouldn't. And that's the beauty of Facebook world. I went over this with her many times, it doesn't matter if the person even knows you, they still have a right to say happy birthday, this concept was especially hard for her to grasp.

"What did people do for birthdays before Facebook?" my mom innocently asked.

"Nothing. Absolutely nothing."

I guess the best part of the day was towards the end of the night after a few drinks when my mom checked her birthday wall for the last time and happily proclaimed,

"I freaking love Facebook!"

We all do, mom. We all do. And now to continue with the fun for this week we are headed to Lincoln in a few hours to celebrate Tye's first Nebraska bridal shower. What fun it will be, drinking with more than one friend at one time is something that I cherish these days. And of course we can't forget about tomorrow: the game, the bar, the rail, spicy chicken pizza, the bar, HALLOWEEN, hating mizzou, the rail, the bar, pizza, it's just too much for me to handle. Especially since I have a costume I feel confident to say was pretty much made specifically for me. I almost feel bad for everyone elses' because mine is that cool. So if you see me out please don't feel sad if your costume is really lame compared to mine. Thats just the way the cookie crumbles sometimes... wink wink.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

The Fall Itch

Fall weather always gives me the itch to be at home for a few days and feel like I'm little again. I start to get weirdly nostalgic for odd things such as a great new pair of Dr. Marten boots, perhaps a new winter jacket with a fur hood from The Buckle, and of course a cool new pair of light Silver jeans with the dangly zipper. I know it's weird, but The Sunset Plaza always calls my name this time of year. I just get an urge to go to Orange Julius and grab a smoothie to sip on while I walk around all of the eight stores. So I acted on my urge today and made the five hour trek to Norfolky. And right now as I sit here sipping Baileys and coffee at four in the afternoon watching Ellen, I am confident I made the right decision. Although, I will admit after about three hours on the road, listening to an AWFUL book on tape, I started to second guess my reasons for making a trip home during the week for no apparent reason. I tried hard to listen to the book Girl With the Dragon Tattoo but it was like pulling teeth. I know that book is really popular but I just couldn't get into it. I listened for three hours and still couldn't tell you the name of one character, and that's not a good thing because from what I've gathered there are at least 347 main characters. I should have known never to buy a book with the words "Dragon Tattoo" in the title. So anywho, I merely died five different times today between Kansas City and Omaha. Not because of collisions, but because of heart attacks. I simply don't understand why some people can't grasp the fact the right lane is for slow drivers, left lane is for people who know how to drive at the correct speed. Why is this so difficult to understand? It doesn't matter how many times I honk, flash my lights, wave my hands, attempt to pass on the shoulder, some drivers just don't get it. And my blood pressure rises so high because of this. I also had one woman attempt to come into my lane because she didn't even bother to look to see that I was there. So naturally, I started to freak out in my car like she could hear me, "what are you doing?! Hello!!! Come on!!" But it's funny because as soon as I saw she knew she was in the wrong and gave me a polite wave to say I'm sorry I immediately forgave her. I waved back, "its okay." I always do. I go from road rage ready to flash a gun toward the other driver, but then in one second if I see the "I'm Sorry" wave, I immediately back off. The other thing that stalled me today was when I had to follow a house that was being transported on a semi for at least ten miles. Gives a whole new meaning to the term mobile home. Just a little rule of thumb for future reference, if your house can fit on a semi perhaps it's not worth bringing along. Just a thought. I'm sure the new town you are moving to will have a trailer court you can settle into. Who am I to judge, this is just my road rage talking again. But I do think a house on a semi is pretty distracting and quite dangerous for other drivers. I spent at least four miles trying to figure out what the wall paper pattern was for the back bedroom I was staring at. Initially I thought it was a ranch horse like theme, but when I looked closer the horses appeared to be dancing trees. It was quite unique. Oh well, I made it here safe and sound and am now ready to go drive by the new Norfolk restaurants that have sprouted in my absence. There is a new Italian place, fancy steak house and a cupcakery that have opened in the past two months! This is a huge deal for Norfolk. We've had the same restaurants for the past twenty years. I just hope the steak house lets you throw peanut shells on the ground, because if it doesn't, there is no way it can compete with Whiskey Creek. Not to mention USA Steak Buffet.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Is That My Horn Or Yours?

Today the radio announced that Taylor Swift is "having the best week ever." Isn't that good for her. They said she is jet setting all over promoting her new album. That's cute. She was spotted on the beach in California one day and then the next day having brunch in New York City. I wish I could have brunch on a week day. She was even seen walking around Central Park with Jake Gyllenhaal, and then get this, going to check out a live showing of Saturday Night Live that same night. That's my show. Taylor doesn't like to laugh. She prefers to sulk over guys who talk to her for a second and then quickly realize she's a crazy stalker. She might as well start dating Lindsey or something because she seems to have scared off every guy in Hollywood, guys from all over the board, too. If you scare off not only John Mayer, but also a JoBro, I feel that says a lot about you as a person. Speaking of celebs I loathe, I've been seeing Lizzy McGuire on just about every talk show lately promoting her new book. Although I think she goes by Hilary Duff now. She wrote a book called "Elixir" about a ghost who appears in photographs and then the main character, a girl who happens to be a gorgeous movie star that lives an amazingly awesome life, starts to fall in love with the ghost. Thrilling. I wonder if the ghost is Gordo. Strange thing about this story is that I'm pretty sure I wrote it first, back in third grade, it was called "Who is the little boy in the photos?" Michael Jackson went on to rewrite it a few years later. Okay, that was awful. But seriously, I did go through a ghost phase where I wrote a series of horror novels. I'm sure this had something to do with the fact I was watching Are You Afraid of the Dark everyday after school and reading every single Goosebumps book ever made. This was also the time in my life when I slept with a cross under my pillow next to a butter knife. But good for Hilary. I love to see a celeb have a book on the best sellers list. Especially when the celeb says, "I never ever thought about writing a book before this one. But, it just kinda of came to me," giggle giggle, "and I have just been so excited about the success of it and plan to turn it into a series, and then probably a movie," more giggles and horse mouth smile. Who knew it was so simple! Man, what I have been waiting for? I've got to stop dilly dallying and put my unicorn book idea into motion! "Is That My Horn Or Yours" The story of a young unicorn and his unlikely relationship with a ghostly witch who once ruled the land but now lives under the sea with a family of mermaids. Sounds kinda far off, I know, but it's weird stuff like this that people go far. I'm just anxious to read Snooki's book, "A Shore Thing" a true love story about a tan midget finding love on the jersey shore. This is no joke, Schnookers is writing a book that will be released next spring, I heard it on E! straight out of Julianna's mouth.

Well this will be my first Tuesday night in a while that I haven't spent with my Teen Moms. It feels kinda weird to think that I won't get to see Amber throw her gang signs and beat up Gary, or get to see what shade of orange Maci is tonight. Makes me feel kinda empty. I wish I could adopt my very own Teen Mom to have with me all the time. I'll have to keep my out for a few when I work in Council Bluffs this week, see if I can see one that looks emotionally unstable enough to keep me entertained for a while.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Jags vs Chiefs

So I experienced my first pro football game today at arrowhead stadium watching the Chiefs vs the Jaguars. I would just like to know how Wal Mart, Kwik Stop, Cost Cutters and Dress Barn stay open on Sundays when all of their workers take the day off to feast in a parking lot on beer and fried chicken. And hackle people who aren't of the same color. Jersey color, of course. On account of the fact that my favorite pro football player plays for the Jags, #88 Potter, I chose to wear a teal Jaguars jersey today, as did about 40 others of us. I have never been so discriminated against in my life. The walk from our car to the stadium felt like the civil rights march on Washington. We were yelled at, spit on, cursed at, simply because of the color on our backs. Women and children, young and old were all participating in the ridicule. "Here kitty, kitty," is what they found quite humorous to call our way. Pssh. I take this as a compliment. I'm sorry a Jaguar isn't nearly as cool as a Chief. Give me a break. A Jaguar could kill a Chief any day, everybody knows that. What the hell is a chief, anyway? Like the owner of a casino I'm assuming? I didn't take well to being taunted, numerous times Chris had to politely remind me to calm down. "Boooo Jags fans!!!" we heard as we walked through the stadium, to which I responded, "Booo white trash fans!!" It's quite obvious NFL fans are so nuts because it's their only team they really feel a part of given the fact they don't have a college team to grab on to. I mean unless ITT has a football team now, I know Josephs certainly doesn't. I kinda think that maybe the Kansas Cityians have never seen someone whom they believed to be from Florida the way they stared at us in complete disbelief. "Go back to where you came from!" a few shouted, to which I responded, "I came from Topeker, douche bag. You changed my oil last week." They had no clue. I will say though, the Potter fans definitely stood out, not a single one of us was wearing a bandanna around our head, acid wash jeans (the ones from the first time around) or yellow work boots, although a few of us did have on black riding boots. And the girls in our group didn't have jewels on them anywhere, i.e. jeans, purse, phone, shoes, face, eyes, ext. So rather than welcoming us good natured fans, we were completely disrespected. I was so disappointed, strike that, I mean disgusted with my Kansas Cityians. I realize the Chiefs fans spend about half of their year's salary in order to come to these games so they expect to have a good time, but this does not mean heckling the visitors team in a such a rude way. I guess being raised as a Husker I have only known fans to treat the visitors in a polite way. We pride ourselves on welcoming strangers into our home. It is no surprise to me now why Mizzou fans are the way they are. If you raise a baby with a Mt.Dew bottle in a white trash environment where mom gets beat when the Chiefs lose because "uncle Jack" has drank too much and or when the Chiefs win because "unlce Jack" has drank too much, well then how can you expect them to know any different? It's that alcoholic football cycle I've mentioned. Never the less, in a few days we will still welcome the tigers into our home. Huskers don't taunt. We won't stare or point. But hopefully we will be able to absolutely humiliate this nasty team on the field. This is the first time in my life that I will say I hope we beat the shit out of the cats. And then we can all go out and celebrate Facebook Girloween that night. We'll take shots every time we see a crying girl all alone, or a naughty nurse/skanky cop or the Situation fist pumping. Oooh boy I'm getting hungover just thinking about next weekend.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

The Potty Shuffle

I suppose today could have gone worse. I could have not found a safety pin to keep my zipper together. Giving myself the standard nine minutes to get ready in the morning as I always do( yes I am still an eight year old and refuse to take morning showers) doesn’t leave much reaction time for morning mishaps. So this morning as I was pulling on my culinary pants way too fast, I happened to rip the zipper, let me stress again the zipper broke because I was in too big of a hurry and not because they were too tight… Anyway, these black pants are my go-to pants, I don’t have any other black pants that I could wear. I had to improvise and use the one large safety pin I found that was attached to the pool key given to me by the apartment office. The zipper is on the side of these pants so I figured it wouldn’t be a huge deal because the chef jacket I wear hangs so low. All seemed okay. A fifty minute commute to a Kansas City school and one large coffee later I arrived at my destination in an emergency -pee state. I did the potty shuffle into the office carrying my 32 bags of shit as usual, and signed the visitors sheet without even bothering to chit chat with the office ladies as they always try to do. I had no time for their games this morning. Finding the nearest bathroom I left my stuff outside and ran into the first stall. I then remembered the damn safety pin holding my pants up. Undoing a safety pin when you have to go pee like a race horse is as hard as undoing tight jeans in a porta potty after three too many kegs beers at a talegate. I’ve never quite understood the phrase “pee like a race horse” by the way, yet I often use it. Are race horses notorious for having to pee really bad? I mean I can understand that they probably get nervous before they compete, but has someone actually caught a horse awkwardly hopping or dancing around before a race? Or discreetly trying to hold itself? Anyway though, by now I am sweating and my hands are shaking trying to get the thing unhooked without completely ripping my pants. What seemed liked hours later, but was probably about 30 seconds, I finally did it. And this is when it got bad. In my rush I didn’t bother to look at the seat before sitting. Now all girls know to never, NEVER, make this fatal mistake in a public bathroom, especially a high school bathroom for that matter. Because the seat was wet. And this is the worst feeling ever. It feels like how I imagine it would feel to sit on a toilet seat with anthrax. Literally, I popped up off of it like there was anthrax, there might as well have been for all that I care. Rules of a public bathroom are simple : 1. Never go into a stall with deuces still floating, because there is a chance the germs could jump out onto you, even if you just look at it. Everybody knows this, that’s why when we enter a stall and encounter such an awful situation we quickly turn away like we just saw a fetus rather than bothering to flush, you might as well be safe than sorry. And #2. Always check for dribble on the seat. If there is a dribble, get OUT! If you’re drunk, a squat could suffice. Sure laying toilet paper down is an option, but then the wet just soaks through, or if you’re me, I can never seem to get the toilet paper placed just right and it just slides right into the toilet before I can even get sat down, kinda ruins the whole point of it. Yes, I suppose some places have the seat covers available above the toilet. But those are awkward too. Or maybe I just don’t know how to use them correctly, which makes me feel like an even bigger idiot, but why may I ask is the middle part attached to the outside? Like are we supposed to tear that ourselves and push it down? Or is it supposed to work as some sort of parachute catch or something? And in that case that’s just disgusting, I would rather my stuff go right into the toilet, no need for a brief detour, that’s just bizarre. Too much potty talk, I’m sorry. But you can see how upset this got me. And now what was I to do? I had let my guard down and sat in stranger dribble. It’s just so awful even thinking about it now. I’m assuming it was there from a previous squatter, but c’mon, have the decency to clean up your stray bullets for God’s sakes. Luckily, I managed to get control of the situation and was able to calm myself enough to go and perform my circus act like nothing had happened, but still, not good.
At least the weekend is almost here. I am just anxious to go out in Peker and have a few drinks with my friends. Yes, I said friends, other than Chris, even. The little bride-to -be Tyeler has been begging me to let her come here for a vacation, so I finally agreed to let her come stay just to get her off my case. I felt bad for her kinda, she lives in that awful state where it’s almost always warm and there is a boring old ocean- Florida. So I just told her that she can’t blame me if it’s hard for her to leave this little paradise known as western Kansas. We might also check out the Chiefs game on Sunday because they play the Jacksonville Jaguars. Tye claims she likes pro football all of the sudden. She’s such a poser.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Teen Mom: April Gets a Makeover Edish

Since MTV chose to start with Farrah, I suppose I will too. Although, I didn't hear much of what she said because I spent the entire time distracted by her mouth in the downward "O" position. Does she have more bottom teeth than most people? Or just more bottom teeth than most bull dogs? And I finally figured out where I recognize Deborah from, it just came to me! She's Deborah Lou Who from WhoVille, it's so obvious to me now when I look at her I can't believe it too me this long to figure it out. Another revelation I had tonight was regarding Deborah's 1970's blonde winged out hair... Hello, Farrah Fawcett anybody?! It all makes so much sense. And I might be alone with this thought, but I don't think of Debbie as the "villain" as Dr. Drew said. If Farrah was my daughter I would have done a lot worse to her than a simple bitch slap, like perhaps use the "pairing knife" on her, rather than leave it in the kitchen as Farrah said she is instructed to do in her imaginary culinary school. Speaking of instruction, Farrah seems to blame her mother for her lack of knowledge regarding birth control in high school. So you're telling me that as a 16 year old Counciltucky girl you didn't know about any form of birth control? Puh- leaseee. I've been to those CTucky high schools, and instead of vending machines in the cafeteria your schools have condom machines. I've seen them. Instead of kleenex boxes on teacher's desks they have boxes of birth control hand outs. Rather than asking for a promise ring from your next boyfriend ask for a Nuva Ring.

So next up was Ryan. I mean Maci. But I don't think I heard a single word that came out of Maci's orange mouth because I was too distracted by the hunk next to her. No, I'm not talking about the marshmallow Michelin man Kyle, I'm talking about Ryan. He stole the show tonight. Where has this cute comedic personality been hiding for the past two seasons? He joked, he smiled, he made fun of himself, it was like he was drunk or something. It was adorable. And who knew Maci was such a skank- besides the fact she had a baby at 16, I mean. But she was kinda sorta maybe dating Kyle when Ryan came into the picture and made her preggers all of the sudden? Whoopsy daisy.

So... Is Catelynn leaving the show early tonight to perform in the midnight showing of Hairspray? Is she the new Nikki Blonsky? Is Tyler the new Zac Efron? I could totally see this. But truthfully, just happy to see the bands are off. I do think April looked pretty fancy. I think it's obvious a trip to the hair salon definitely occurred, and also a trip to Wet Seal. Not everyone can pull off gold and black lace like April did. Then again, April doesn't need an excuse to dress up- "I don't need an excuse, I'm mom." Words to live by. I wonder if she is planning on taking full advantage of her saucy little makeover and heading over to Glamour Shots later to get a few to send to Butchy Boo? I was pretty disappointed to hear he is back in the slammer, for April's sake I mean. She needs a sturdy man in her life. And oh boy, that home video of Carly and her first walk was probably a little too much. I didn't see that in the previews so I was kind of caught off guard, as was that little bundle of emotions, Tyler.

Amber... Is this even worth my time, because I really don't know if it is. She is just too disgusting and trashy for words. She suddenly has this certain swagger and style of speech that I feel like she thinks makes her look and sound really cool and gangster. And the black tears are not flattering unless you are Lauren Conrad and this is the first time the camera has captured an actual human-like emotion on your face rather than just a look of wonder staring off into "the hills." Seeing how sweet little Leah is I can't help but wonder if maybe she isn't even Amber's child. Gary should demand a maternity test, because if Leah aint Amber's child there's gonna be some rumble in the jungle.

So a new season of pregnant little girls is just around the corner... Will I watch? I doubt it, it just wouldn't feel right to me. I can only handle so many teen moms in my life, and right now, between Maci, Farrah, Catelynn and Black Faced Monster Woman I feel like I have enough on my plate for the time being. I never say never though, especially when it comes to teen pregnancy.

It's Almost Hookerween...

Ghouls, and ghosts and goblins, oh my! I'm starting to see skanky nurse costumes that don't reach mid thigh! Must be that wonderful time of year again, yes, I am talking about Facebook Girl's very own holiday... Hookerween! How splendid. As expected, many statuses have already been arise regarding possible costume ideas i.e. Grown Up Girl Scout who carries around a box of condoms, Little Red Riding Him and of course, Snow White and the Seven Dykes. All very original ideas, I wouldn't expect any less from FbGirl this time of year. This is what she lives for. And I, on the other hand, live for Fb albums this time of year. So please don't be stingy and block your albums, that takes all of the fun out of judging- especially if you've gained a few lbs. Me? Well, I'll probably just do something simple, like go as my favorite flight attendant, Steven Slater, and carry around a beer and a slip n slide. I feel it's the least I can do to honor a man whom I so dearly admire. On the other hand, I suggested to Chris that we could go to Gordmans and stock up on a lot of great clothes, like shiney jeweled jeans, Kansas City Chief jerseys and brightly colored Baby Phat/Phat Farm sneakers and go as Topekans. He hasn't gotten back to me on that yet so I guess we'll just have to see. I'm just not as into Halloweener as I've been in the past. I don't know what my deal is. I think I'm kinda sad I don't have the swine flu again this year like I did last year at this time, it was just such an unexpected weight loss I really appreciated. I know I shouldn't sulk though, I should just be grateful to at least have gotten the swiner once in my life, I know many people who have never been able to experience the joy of 24/7 dizziness and a constant migraine level headache all along side a fever that makes you dream that little demons are coming from your closet to grab your ankles and take you away. Man, those were the days. But anywho, I'm sure as Halloweeny statuses pick up, I too will pick up my spirit. I just need to watch Hocus Pocus a few times as well as Double Double Toil and Trouble, Thora Birch and the Olsen Twins always make me feel better.

But back to FbGirl for a second, I can't help but wonder why she just wouldn't save herself the time and trouble and go as a Jersey Shore roommate? Spandex wardrobe? Check. Makeup butter face? Check. Entourage of Ed Hardy and Affliction. Check check. But I guess that would kind of ruin the whole point of Halloween- dressing like someone you're not. I can respect that. Hmm...I'm getting another good idea, maybe I could recruit three of my friends (I'll be in Lincoln, otherwise this would obviously not work) to go as teen moms with me! Naturally, I get to go as Catelynn because she is my favorite. But I am sure I could find a Macy, Farrah, and er... well it might be a struggle to get someone willing to be Amber... I would settle for Gary, as well. Or perhaps even April? Getting someone willing to be Amber would be as hard as it is to get someone to agree to play Mary Sanderson, everybody always want's to be Sarah. Which is kinda ironic now, given that Sarah Jessica Parker has been noted in a few mags for not exactly being a real looker. I don't believe it though, she's still stunning Sarah Sanderson to me. Come Little Children...I shall take thee away...

In the meantime, I'm just trying to keep my nerves as calm as I can until the Dr. Drew session tonight with the girls. I hope doc sets April in her place once and for all. I am sick and tired of seeing Catelynn being the mother of the two. Enough is enough.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Catching Balls and Taking Names

The only thing worse than being at wedding where you don't know anyone, is waking up still in your dress and heels realizing you were probably drunkenly dancing alone and scarfing red velvet cupcakes at a wedding where you don't know anyone. This morning was a rough one, I waited as long as possible before having to face Chris's parents at the post wedding brunch. Apparently not everyone jumped on the drunk wagon I was riding. But put me in a fancy dress and heels and tell me champagne is a free for all and the outcome is bound to be a sloppy one. I'm still not sure why the other guests at the reception, which was held at the Newport Beach yacht club, weren't as excited as I was about the open bar. I didn't see anybody else pounding drinks like Chris and I, then again, I didn't notice anyone else putting the left over cookie wedding party favors into their purse like I was, either. If someone gives you a bag of cookies you take the cookies. I can't tell you how many guests left their bags behind, luckily I did a quick run through by every table before we left. Chris compared me to a child after a Husker game collecting leftover cups. Now the Sprinkles cupcakes that were served rather than wedding cake were a bit more tricky to take home. They didn't offer boxes or anything so I just improvised and wrapped it in a few napkins, which I'm assuming I ate as a little bedtime snacky because I did notice that I woke up surrounded by cupcake crumbs and frosting covered fingers. Someday when I get married I can't decide if I want to have a huge cookie cake, like a fancy one from Eileens or something, or be a little more traditional and go with a DQ ice cream cake? That will be one of the harder decisions I think.  That and the idea of the wedding party reception entrance. I am yet to see a good one, last night wasn't bad given that they showed up on a yacht, but it was a bit stuffy. All I know is that I would want it to a Ke$ha song or the Nebraska tunnel walk, either would make for a killer entrance for bridesmaids and grooms to enter looking uncomfortable and awkward dancing with each other while trying to do something funny.

 Speaking of music, the band last night was amazing. They played everything from Frank Sinatra to Kings of Leon. Chris told me today I was a little obsessed with how good they were, I guess that might explain why I found their business card in my purse this morning. 

"Hey Chris, what in the heck is this card for? It says Tijuana Dogs?"

He looked at me like I was kidding and responded with, 

"seriously? You don't recall going up to the wedding singer and telling him he was the best singer you've ever heard and you wondered if they'll travel anywhere?"

No, actually I don't recall that. Now I know I wasn't flirting, because he was not attractive in the least, I think I just genuinely liked the band and apparently wanted to get their contact information to fly them to Nebraska should the occasion ever arise. Theres nothing weird about that.

So by the end of the night when Chris and I were two of the last people on the dance floor, both red faced and sweaty, Chris with wine all over his suit and me covered in frosting, I think it's safe to say we represented the Nebraska side of the family quite well. 

Speaking of... How bout that game. Gulp. I just don't know what happened. If only the coaches and players had access to Facebook during the game I think they really would have benefited from various statuses from unathletic fans who obviously know how to play the game better because of their extensive X Box experience. Why couldn't they just "catch the damn ball dumbass!" or "Tackle that guy, what are you thinking?" Such good advice. How hard could it be? It's a pretty basic concept, nevermind the 85,000 fans or the other Texas players coming at you, a simple touch down is not that hard. Every Tom, Dick and Harry on Facebook seems to think they could do it. Even Sally was boasting she could catch a ball. All I am saying is that if we can see the problem with the game from the comfort of our couch or hundreds of feet away in the stands it shouldn't be that hard for the players to recognize it either and make the changes that need to be made. There cant be that many other factors going on in the actual game that we can't see from our tv that would affect why a tackle was missed or a ball was dropped, it just wouldn't make any sense. I think the NCAA should consider adding a Facebook time out to the play of the game. This would give the coaches and players just a quick thirty seconds to browse the newsfeed for all the best tips from intelligent Facebookers. I am talking about those devoted fans who love football and are totally encompassed by it-but also somehow manage to find some time to browse the book during a game and update their status every play with their thoughts. Strictly an idea. We'll be better next game I'm sure. If I know Bo he'll have those boys in ship shape form in no time ready to catch the ball again. He'll have them catching balls in their sleep. And catching balls in the showers. And in the locker rooms. Two at a time even. 

Friday, October 15, 2010

Hey it's Kate's half bday!

Wooo dogs. Talk about one helluva day. I just spent the last six hours at the happiest place on earth- Disney Land. It certainly was happy. And the best part was that all of California's schools were on fall break so the park was packed full of other happy people. I'm talking Saturday in the summer packed. It's a good thing I love long lines and strollers and screaming kids because they were everywhere. Right towards the end as I was waiting in line at Minny's Bakery to buy a cookie, a little boy managed to not only cut me, but kick the back of my ankle to the point of almost bleeding, as well. It was so cute. Chris had to drag me away from the park when it was time to go because I could have stayed all day and night. We got soaked on splash mountain and escaped death with Indiana Jones and had a few drinks with Jack Sparrows- non alcoholic of course since Walt doesn't allow any such shenanigans on his property. My absolute favorite ride/show was watching Michael Jackson in Captain EO. If you don't know about this show I highly recommend you google it. It's probably the best 3D music video ever created, before 1985 I mean. It's at the height of MJ's career when he truly looked like a stunning black woman, more specifically the hotty Lisa McDowell from Coming to America. As always, time went by way too fast and I barely had more than a few minutes to shop for Disney attire. Unlike my last trip to Disney (the 10 year old Birthday trip that has scarred me for life) I was able to come with more than a few bucks in my wallet, so naturally I bought as much rock candy and Disney stamped quarters as I wanted!!! It was pretty cool. And the glitter princess hoody I bought will be perfect for the plane ride home. I didn't think the day could get any better, but then we stopped in one of the last shops to check out some various Disney memorabilia and historical pieces and in the room of iconic people hung a huge photo of Miley Cyrus. The only other two musicians featured in this room were MJ and Elvis. And then there was Miley Cyrus in all her glory. What an honor. I am just happy she is finally being recognized in the same category as these two. So now I am just relaxing for a brief moment before it's time to head to the rehearsal dinner, or as Chris calls it "the prenuptial" dinner. I told him no one calls it this anymore and we actually got into like an eight minute argument regarding which is the more popular term. Obviously I am right. A prenup isn't a dinner, it's what you sign if you plan on divorcing in like ten years, everybody knows that.

Well, I am really ashamed to say this, but somehow today in the midst of all of my selfish fun I forget a very important occasion for someone. So I know this doesn't make up for my blunder, but I would just like to wish Kate a happy half birthday. We have spent many great half birthdays together having not half, but double the fun of a normal night. Kate's life motto is "live everyday like it's your birthday." And most times I think I can honestly say she does this. Whether it's birthday drinks at noon, or intense birthday shopping sprees, or fancy birthday dresses, Kate does all at any time of the year. May we all take inspiration in this and strive to live our own lives in the same fashion. So happy half bday Kate. Make it an 828 night.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Teen Mom - Jokes On Abstinence edish

Wow. Another emmy worthy episode on MTV's behalf. I cried, I laughed, I swore (at Amber and Chris) and I was on pins and needles more than one time ( but mostly when Carly unwrapped the scrapbook.) This was an emotional roller coaster of an episode.

Should we jump right in and start with the little miracle that is sponge bob square head? I mean Carly. Ohhh, man. This reunion couldn't have gone better if it was set up... I mean, it was perfect, it was exactly how I would want my reunion to go had I been a teen mom in Detroit who paints my eye shadow like rainbows that had given up my child. Theresa and Brandon are real angels. I can just picture the church group they attend five times a week, I bet they regularly pray for Catelynn and Tyler, which is what they need. I got a little choked up when Catelynn kissed Theresa on the cheek, not only because it was sweet but also because I know that when April catches wind of it she is going to beat the shit out of Catelynn. Luckily, Catelynn has Tyler to fall back on. He is a GodSend if I've ever seen one. I love how when he gets excited he loses his appetite so he has to give his food to Catelynn to eat. This couple is mature beyond their years, I'm talking on the level of like a 19 or 20 year old couple. When he told Catelynn he knew she was "the one" right after she had delivered Carly and he looked into her blood shot eyes and vomit stained mouth and thought she was the most beautiful woman ever I nearly lost it. I just hope Theresa and Brandon don't run off and join a religious occult with Carly because I would like to see many more happy reunions in the future. Perhaps without that creepy scrunch face the baby makes.

And Farrah's cry face needs to stop. It's very unbecoming on her. And correct me if I'm wrong, but since when do people from Council Bluffs have "stylists" other than L'Oreal? And Tino, as in Salon Tino? He must be struggling right now, I didn't see another person in his salon besides his gay son and Farrah and her mother. And I knew I would regret saying Farrah was maturing because obviously she hasn't. Here Deborah is being kind enough to let her live in one of the few houses in C-Tucky that doesn't have paint chipping or window glass missing and she still finds something to bitch about. If her daughter wasn't so damn cute I would probably fast forward through her. And I'd like to know what "culinary school" Farrah attends anyway. Because I know a thing or two about culinary schools, and the only thing close to a culinary school in Omaha or C-Tucky is the option of taking a few cooking classes at a JuCo. So this, my friend, is a lie. Throwing frozen noodles into a pot does not a chef make.

The orange disease is spreading. Amber seems to have caught it, as well. I'm wondering if it's a new STD on the market amongst young people? If it is, Chris definitely has it. I mean Amber's "Chris" by the way. Chris is a real keeper, I definitely judged him too quick. Amber needs to grab a hold and not let go. Having a job and money is so overrated anyway. He wants to marry her. That's all that matters- as long as he can borrow the car. And good call on introducing Leah to him right away. I've always heard it's best to bring in as many random men into a young girl's life as early as possible to ensure she is comfortable around strange men as she grows up. Makes little girls more sociable and willing to please- traits so hard to find in women these days.

I know I shouldn't... but Ryan is too too cute. His smile just melts my teenage hurt. I wish Maci would just give in and go back to him, for BMW's sake at the very least. I think if Maci stopped being so needy, and maybe if Ryan was just a little nicer, this couple could really work. Although I still feel like the break with Kyle was incredibly sudden. I haven't even seen Maci shed a tear. Pour thing is probably bottling them up in that little orange body of hers, too scared to release the tears in fear the high acidity level/vitamin C in them will attract bugs. I'll tell ya one thing, Maci's mom looks like she makes a mean meat loaf. It's all I can think about right now. Maci needs to eat the whole pan of it to put a little meat on her bones. What do I know though, Maci is a strong girl. It just seems like nothing ever seems to go her way. I just wish for once she could figure out a way to get money doing absolutely nothing. Like a way for someone to pay her just to live her life the way she already is... As in...yes. Her current life.

Numerous magazine covers later, a hit show on TV, and paychecks for doing nothing... Well teen moms, looks like you're doing better than a lot of the teen moms I knew. All thirteen of them from the NHS class of 2005 don't seem to be doing too hot, according to their Facebook pages at least. You've proved once and for all the joke is on us. On all of us fools who made it out of high school without a child (aka your meal ticket.) So cheers to beating the odds- I shall buy you all a drink in four years.

The "Trapped" Miners

So let me get this straight, a group of miners have been trapped underground for over two months? But they've had access to food, water, playing cards, dominos, cell phone service and a video camera- to name a few. So my question is this, have they been "trapped" or has this actually been just a little unplanned, but relaxing never the less, vacation from the hustle and bustle of their every day lives? The footage I've seen of the guys shows them high fiving each other and smiling. I also think I saw a few empty Barton bottles and some Taco Bell wrappers in the background. I can't help but wonder if perhaps this just wasn't the miners usual secret hideout but during one break they lost track of time and stayed long enough to cause concern. In fear of getting caught drinking on the job they decided to wait it out and sober up. But then one thing led to another and before they knew it us damn Americans jumped in our news vans to head to Chile to make this a huge public event. Now there was no goin back, suddenly they were in it a little too deep. Yes, that was one of my awful intended puns. I guess the truth will be revealed in just a matter of hours when the miners get on the elevator one at a time and ride their way back to earth. The guy who drew the short straw and is the last to leave the hole after all of his buddies are out is where all of the pressure will lie. If he's down there even a few minutes too long all on his lonesome the true story will be revealed. It will be revealed when he says screw waiting and opts instead for the secret staircase the miners used that got them into this mess in the first place. Once again, this is all speculation. Just don't be surprised if the last elevator ride goes down to find an empty hole. I wish them all the best though. Planned or unplanned, being underground for more than a day or two would be awful. I think about the bugs I've found in my basement and bet the bugs underground in Chile are even worse.

So like I said, Chris and I are going to California this weekend for his cousin's wedding. We sure got lucky that the Huskers don't have a game this weekend. Because boy would we hate to miss a home game, especially if it was an important game. Against a good team. Or a game whose outcome weighs heavily on us having an actual shot at playing in the National Championship. That would suck. But, doesn't matter because we won't even be thinking about the silly Huskers while we're at DISNEY LAND!!! The original Disney Land, where so much amazing rich history has happened. Like Michelle getting crowned queen for a day, and Danny proposing to Vicky, and where D.J. experienced shrooms for the first time and hallucinated seeing Steve all over the park. Anything is possible in the land of magic.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Bullies

Well I finally saw the Social Network. It was...interesting. It made realize two things: 1. My dear Facebook was built on a bed of lies. and 2. I should have accepted that scholarship to Harvard. Harvard looks like the secret society I always knew I should have been a part of. The underground parties, the offices with dark cherry wood and fire places, and future millionaires walking around everywhere. I would have fit in perfectly. Harvard and Nebraska were my two top choices for college, I am not going to say I made a mistake with my choice... But I can't help but wonder what my life would have been like. Nevermind that though, the past is in the past. I did like a quote from the movie that the dean of students said,
"Harvard students would much rather invent a job, than spend time looking for one." I like that. That's going to become my new motto right along side my current one, "my futures so bright I gotta wear Ray-Bans."

So I feel like I can't turn on the news without hearing a story about the increasing problem of bullying in our country. Call me crazy, but I don't feel the word "increasing" is necessary. Hasn't bullying been around forever? Isn't bullying the central concept for which all great 90's movies were based upon? Dazed and Confused anyone? A young Ben Affleck beats the shit out of every freshman he can find with a paddle. Can't Buy Me Love? A hunky Patrick Dempsey is taunted for being a dork and having a lesbian best friend so he pays a girl to pretend to be his girl friend. Today this would be called prostitution, and if Patrick was over 18 and the girl of his dreams was under 18 he would be convicted on numerous counts of statutory rape- but let's not take away for the cute love story feeling of this movie. So why in the 90's was bullying considered a right of passage and now it's considered breaking the law? I'll tell you why. It's because of the internet. Cowardly bullies turn to cyberspace to prey on insecure, most likely gay/lesbian teens, rather than beating them with paddles like they used to. Kids are just so mean, I see it everyday and it takes all my restraint not to jump on the bullies and take them down a few notches. Now this might come as a surprise, but I myself, was bullied. Once. Yup, it was actually just one day in junior high when I had just had a tumor removed from my toe (yes tumors grow in toes) and I had to wear a boot to school. But for some reason the doctor didn't have a boot that was my correct size so I was wearing a men size 10 boot for a few days, I didn't mind that, what I did mind was the fact that I was having to wear a large bandage under my chin at this time, as well, I had just had a cist removed. I must have been drinking some funky water at this point in my life to grow a tumor in my toe and a cist in my chin at the same time... But it's true. When I picture myself at this time I think I must have looked a little like Ebenezer Scrooge- with a huge bandage under my chin and gimping/dragging my right foot behind me. Not my best moment. But back to the bullying incident, I walked into gym class one day to find the skater boys (the type Avril sang about) all huddled together, and then one guy in particular, I won't say his name even though I obviously remember the little asshole, turned toward me and said something along the lines of,

"are you seriously wearing a boot and a band aid on your chin? Why wouldn't you stay home to save yourself a little embarrassment?" And then he and his skaters all started laughing.

This didn't suit well with me. I responded with something mature like,

"ya I can see why you would make fun of me for having a tumor in my toe and having to wear a boot. It's soooo humiliating. But at least my boot comes off, you'll be ugly forever." and then I'm pretty sure I ended with something like, "and the worst part is your dad is even uglier than you, so you really don't have a shot."

Naturally, his friends laughed. But I can still remember the look on the little jerk's face and that I had honestly hurt his feelings. So now I felt bad, which was ridic because he started it. I could have cared less that he made fun of me, but now I felt like the ass for making fun of him. Could be me being arrogant, but I have really never cared what people said, I always knew I would just be able to come back at them with something ten times worse. I don't think I could have been bullied even if someone tried. When the dirty girls would want to start fights with us preps my response to them was that they could go ahead and hit me if they wanted but I had my lawyer on speed dial, and I told them there was no way they could afford a lawyer so they'd be screwed. I guess that was kind of mean of me. But I wasn't a bully, I just reacted proactively toward other bullies. So if parents want to help their kids from getting bullied perhaps they should try harder to raise sarcastic smart asses and not worry so much about raising simply smart kids.

Friday, October 8, 2010

T Magic

It's fun to be cocky about our football team again- not that I ever really stopped too much. I was such a schmuck today in my classes rubbing it in the little high schooler K State fans about our win last night. I was definitely being the person I usually hate, being all arrogant about the Huskers as if I personally actually had something to do with the win. I know most fans are like this but it's still silly to me. Like for instance the other day I was in Hy Vee here in Peker wearing a Nebraska sweatshirt and a man came up to me and wished me luck for the game. I know this isn't that unusual but it's still weird to me wishing someone else besides a player or coach good luck. I guess I just fail to see the impact I make on a game from my living room couch. Still, it was nice of the Peker man to wish me good luck. Maybe he just knows how crazy Husker fans are so he figured I was probably legitimately nervous about the game and he just wanted to help ease my nerves. Oh us Husker fan, we are a devoted bunch. I remember game days when I was like six years old and my parents would have people over to watch it and I would sneak away to my room to play Barbies but I would always make sure to turn the game on in my room. It seemed perfectly normal to me then, but looking back, I wonder how many other six year old girls felt the need to have college football on while playing Barbies- not from Nebraska, I mean. Games like last night make me want to go buy all sorts of stupid Husker shit to decorate my car. I want some flags for the windows, and definitely a license plate border that says something cool like "Nebraska Alumni," probably a few stickers for the back windshield and then maybe, just maybe if I'm feeling extra flashy, I would like to get a huge Herbie Husker wearing a black shirt surrounded by a ring of flames air brushed on my passenger side. I just feel like I owe it to the Huskers to do something like this on account of the fact I live in K State/K U territory. I need to let everyone know where my pride lays. I wonder if it's too late to request a personalized license plate? I'm thinking something like "T Magic" would be pretty cool for more than obvious reasons. I just wish I had thought of this nickname first. But whose to say there can't be a girl and a boy version of this nickname? It would only make sense that I would be the girl version. So from here on out rather than being called Tay I would prefer to be called T Magic.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

200th Post!!!

I'd like to take a moment to recognize myself and the fact that this is my 200th post. I am just so proud of me and all that I have accomplished on this blog, I feel it really says a lot about me as a person. But to be completely honest, this isn't all me, not in the least bit. I definitely could not have done this all on my own. If this blog was entirely about me I wouldn't have anything to make fun of, you can't exactly make fun of perfection. So perhaps this would be a good time to thank a few people. First of all, I would like to thank reality tv personalities. More specifically, girls from the Bachelor, especially monkey Gia and trashy barbie Vienna. Of course all of the lovely young ladies on Teen Mom, yes, April (Catelynn's mom is in this list, as well.) God love ya. Also, the entire cast of Joysey Shore. Even though it's been a while I can't forget to give a shout out to the Hills Cast, that crazy mouthed Ali Lutz in particular. Ugh I just feel like I am forgetting someone. Oh yes, high school students, of course! The douche bags especially. And last but not least, Mark Zuckerberg. Ol' Zucky as I like to call him. I don't even want to think where I would be today if he hadn't stolen the idea for Facebook. I know I say this a lot but I just don't think people truly understand the importance of this network. Of the mini feed. Of statuses. Of wall posts. Before Facebook we were only able to communicate with our loved ones who had passed via dreams and prayers, it just seems so old fashioned to me now. The only way people could see the new mini dress I bought from the Deb was to actually see me wearing it in person at Brothers. No way for me to tell people I am going to the gym today, then tanning, then pedi then drinking heavily tonight with my girls woo woo. And what about vacations? Did we really used to vacay without telling everyone? I don't think so. And now I've gone off on a tangent again. I guess what I just want to say is thanks Zucky. Thanks for eliminating that whole pesky notion of real life people interaction.
But on a more somber note, I learned yesterday on our monthly conference call that there have been a few very serious changes within our company. So sadly, today isn't all celebrations. Thanks to the government and a little notion about equal education, or a movement regarding for profit schools, I don't know actually- I wasn't paying that much attention. But anyway, because of this government act our company is going to be greatly affected as soon as it is officially underway. Affected so much so, that our boss told us yesterday company awards are no more. That's right. No more internal awards. I'm devastated. I'm angry. But most of all, I'm just sad. It's like the award I got this year was just a little teaser. Just a simple crystal paper weight shaped like a culinary knife with my initials to taunt me that I won't have the chance to win another. I'll never have the opportunity to work my way up toward getting the prestigious chef jacket shaped paper weight, that is after all, what everyone is truly working for. It just kinda ruins my spirit I guess. If I can't get recognized once a year for five seconds by individuals I see but three times a year, well then how in the hell am I supposed to keep myself motivated? Chris told me this is always how it starts. This is the forewarning of a company about to go under. First it's just the awards, then it's the jobs. It's a scary thought. Then again, I could go for a little break for a while. My GRA isn't quite here (goal retirement age) it's actually 32. But, hells, sometimes you just gotta go with the flow, right?
So I hope you all celebrate with me and my 200th post. I double dog dare ya to become an "official follower" if you're not, especially if you've come up to me drunk downtown and say you read. I won't judge.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Teen Mom: Self Tanner Edish

Holy orange Miss Maci. Is it me, or is your skin getting oranger'r and your hair getting redder? Did you sneak away from the Wonka tour again and munch on fruit you shouldn't have? I'm scared that by the end of the season someone is going to have to roll you off to be squeezed for some grade A orange juice. What's going on with the shiney, btw? A simple Neutrogena cloth will take that right away. And tell me this break up with Kyle isn't permanent. I don't think my heart can handle another break, not to mention this is all very confusing for Mercedes. You and Kyle can work things out, I just know it.

Amber, Amber, Amber. I'd just like to wash my hands of you. Why can't Gary quit you? He is just ten times better than you will ever be, skinny or fat. He's so sweet to send flowers, even if the card spelled recently "reasently." It adds personality. And how do you respond? "Gary, I'm dating." Ohhh good for you. Your new guy is a little more up your alley, anyway. What did he say, the best day of his life was three days ago when he saw you walk out of Chic-Fil-A? It was refreshing to not see you freak the F out tonight and start hitting people. Although I have a good feeling this new man of your's will be more than willing to hit back. I can't wait to watch your spin off series "Beaten Teen Mom." Hopefully, you keep up with your Taebo classes.

Farrah, I am probably going to regret saying this, but I can honestly say I feel you have matured since last episode. I think that paternity test took a large load off your chest- could that be a gross pun? Too much. But I bet that must have been stressful always wondering if Sophia truly belonged to Derek. It's good to stop the wondering. Clearly this has improved upon your relationship with Mother Deborah, as well. And Farrah, you're probably going to hate me for saying this, but you do the exact same baby talk as your mom does. The same high pitched squeal of a talk. You two are going to be best friends before you know it.

And last but not least, my all time fav couple Tatelynn. The Brangelina of dirty little teens everywhere. I would like your address so I can start sending you two some fan mail. And start sending your mother some hate mail. Then again, that was pretty selfish of 16 yr old Catelynn to just rudely give up her baby and not even ask her 35 year old meth head mother for permission. I would be mad too. It was a pretty immature move of Tyler and Catelynn, what sixteen year old couple can't handle a child honestly? It was like they gave up before even giving Welfare a chance. What was it Catelynn's mom said, "don't judge me as a mom when you couldn't even handle being one." Talk about hitting the nail on the head. That's advice any good mom would give to their teen after giving up their child for adoption. If I had a dollar for every time my mom begged me to have a child in high school I would probably be able to afford a pretty schnazzy heart decorated Coach bag by now.
But that's neither here nor there. I've got a real soft spot in my heart for those two, and maybe even a little spot for Butch, as well- he means no harm. Methy mother just needs a quick run in with Amber to set her straight. I will be on pins and needles until next week awaiting the reunion with Carly, I'm sure the scrapbook will be a hit!!!!

California Girls

So there's not too many things I hate, oh who am I kidding there are a lot of things I hate, but one especially is going to Starbucks and getting a latte that is 50% latte, 50% foam. What the hell is that all about? If I pay $4 for a coffee I expect to at least get a slight caffeine high rather than a slight foam mustache. Thus is my luck. I am literally the queen of receiving awful food service. Kid you not, I think in another life I must have been an Emperor of some sort who was incredibly rude to his staff and now I am suffering the karma from it. I know you thinking that I am probably just overly picky, which it may used to be case, but lately it's crossed a line. My soup is regularly served cold, I always find a black hair or two, last week I ordered french onion and it tasted more like a bowl of tangy barbecue sauce. The other day I ordered a club sandwich and it was served on a HAMBURGER BUN. I don't know what my deal is. I'm just learning to eat soup at a luke warm temperature and to simply pick around the pubic hairs. Speaking of pubic hairs, I am so tired of hearing about Lindsey Lohan every other minute. It's bad enough she is all E! News talks about but she is even on CNN and Topeka nightly news. I'm just so over it. She's a coke head, BFD. Why doesn't the law just put it in God's hands and let her OD already? She's always dreamt of being just like Marilyn. I know that sounds harsh but there just isn't much more to be done. Not even Dr. Drew can save her at this point. Out with the old in with the new. Like Selena Gomez, I just love her. And I still can't believe Taylor Swift was busted with cocaine in her purse the other day. That is the one that kinda shocks me, can't be good for her image. Yup, something like this could ruin her. You heard it here first, better spread the word.

Well this week has just felt incredibly blah to me. I'm over the cold temps and am more than ready for summer to return. It was nice to wear my new boots and sweater for a night or two, but I'm ready for shorts and flip flops again. I can already feel that I am starting to get my winter appearance pretty intense. My legs glow in the dark and actual hay could probably suffice for hair extensions for me. It's not pretty. Luckily, Chris and I get a little break from the real world next weekend to go to his cousin's wedding in Newport Beach. I love being surrounded by California girls when I am already feeling like Nikki Blonsky from Hairspray. What with their daisy dukes and bikinis on top. They certainly are unforgettable. I just hope the wedding has a champagne fountain because I am hoping to go for a dive.

Friday, October 1, 2010

TGIFBIARTHM.

You haven't heard this phrase yet? Where have you been? It means "Thank God It's Friday Because I Am Ready To Hang Myself." Just when I thought highschooler's weren't all that bad anymore and maybe I shouldn't be so hard on them I get it all thrown back in my face today ten times over. You know what, I don't care that it's Friday, that doesn't give you the right to act like a total ass bag all day. Homecoming is tomorrow? Big deal!!! I hope you all get MIPs/get your dates pregnant because after the way you treated me today that's the least what you deserve.

If I had a dollar for every single smart ass comment I received I would have almost enough money to take myself out and get drunk to the point to forget today. Better yet, I would have almost enough to buy some pot to plant in these little devil's lockers to get them kicked out of school. I don't know what the deal was, but these little creeps were extra douchebaggy today. Like I had to listen to Hard Knock Life by Jay Z on repeat for almost the entire ride home, usually I only need to hear it three or four times to calm down after work- this tells you how bad it was. I was lucky I got out of that classroom when I did because I was seconds away from busting through the window and riding my cooler on wheels down the roof to freedom. I'll take you for a little walk through some of the standard comments I got today:

Me: So do any of you know what the name of this knife is that I am using?

Demons: Big knife! Sharp knife! Cutting Knife!

There is nothing remotely clever about this response. I hear it weekly and each time it aggravates me all the more, and also saddens me that high school students seem to have completely lost the art of sarcasm.

Me: Now I'm going to add some feta cheese, have you ever had feta before?

Demons: Ya, I mean if it's the same as Fettuccine. Hahahaha.

No. No, it's not. That's like comparing apples to oranges, cheese to noodles you dip shit.

Me: Now I'm going to use a little lime juice.

Demons: Is that the same as a cherrylime?

Me: I don't know what you're talking about. What's a cherry lime? Like a smaller lime?

Demons: Well where does Sonic get them then?

Oh ahahahahaha. Isn't that hilarious!!! You're talking about a cherry limeade, aren't you?

Me: So do you guys have any other questions?

Demons: Ya. Will you go to Homecoming with me?

Sure. If my other option is being shot in the head.

Me: Ok, now I'm going to add some salt to enhance the flavor, did you know salt does that? It's like how Gloria added salt to her chocolate milk in the show Modern Family. Do you guys watch that?

Demons: Nope. Never. None. No idea. Never heard of it.

Okay, maybe this was just a personal blow, and that's why I got so offended. But I just fail to believe no one could have heard of Modern Family. Everybody knows of that show. Give me a break. I have to stop there because I am starting to get riled again. I don't want to go back there, it took me a few hours of walking around Von Maur and Nordstroms just to return to my happy place today. I don't know how people deal with these little deviants on a regular basis. They've just got bad attitudes. After I yelled at one group of guys today for being rude and talking the entire time they all turned their chairs around and wouldn't look at me and proceeded to give me the silent treatment with their fat arms folded across their chests. What did they think, that I was seriously going to be mad they wouldn't talk to me or answer any of my questions? Was this supposed to be my punishment? Puh lease. Give me the silent treatment any day over having to hear their Justin Bieberish pre pubescent scratchy voices. I'm done. Today has just been too much.
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