Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Mehican memories.

Dear Mexican Diary,

No, I’m not on my computer in Mexico because I am bored. I am merely on my computer because the opportunity presented itself and I figured oh why not, I have a few minutes to spare in between post lunch drinks and pre dinner drinks so spare me your judgment, gracias. But after being here for four days now I am reminded of two things- 1. I remember why I joined Lifetime the day I got home last year and 2. I remember why the U.S. (begrudgingly, I’m sure) had to give up the coveted title of fattest country to Mexico. Beer is cheaper and more accessible than water, and refried beans are the country’s ketchup. They go with absolutely anything.

So after a long day of flying on Day 1 I landed no more than ten minutes later than the rest of the crew and was able to spare the trouble of having to subject myself to the world of human trafficking in order to get a cheap taxi to our resort. Talk about a relief. We stopped at our normal little stand by the road to pick up some Coronas for the ride in, although this year Jade is being uber paranoid and not drinking just because she’s pregnant, but I think it has more to do with the calories but whatever it didn’t deter the rest of us. I’m sure some day she’ll look back on this vacation and realize what a loser she was for not cutting loose a little more, I mean has anyone ever thought to stop and ask a baby whether or not they would prefer a Corona over a glass of milk on a hot afternoon in Mexico? No, because we all know what that answer would be. But anyway, by the time we got all settled in and had four or five drinks it was already time for dinner. Given that baby BJ (B as in Bill and J as in Jade) is already running our family “we” decided it would probably be best to have a relaxing night and just stay around the resort rather than head in for a crazy night on the Cabo strip. But this was really fine with me, it might be the Topeker in me, but I have truly enjoyed having a much more relaxing and tame trip this year as opposed to some of the past years. Anyway, the only one who is having trouble staying in after dinner to casually drink and play really fun games like Apples to Apples and Catch Phrase is believe it or not, Mr. Jersey Shore, Jordan. I don’t know what kind of trip he was expecting, but about the time we all head to bed is when he heads into town. Alone. Maybe it’s just me being boring, but a night out alone in Mexico doesn’t hit the top of my list. So last night Jordan, Chris and I had drinks at the resort in a bar right by the ocean. After about four drinks a piece, I assumed it was more than time to call it a night, I mean it was already 11! But as the little golf cart dropped us off at our building Jordan stayed on and waved Chris and I good bye telling us he was headed in for a crazy night in town. When I asked him why he felt it necessary to go out alone in another country just to drink he replied,

“Because it’s a Friday night and I want to get drunk.”

To which I wondered if Jordan had secretly been working the previous three days and nights of vacation thus far? Was this his first night off and I hadn’t realized it somehow? Was he bartending at one of the restaurants on the resort perhaps? I guess it didn’t really matter because before I could respond he was on his sloppy way telling the driver to “rapido!” “rapido!” and screaming “weeee!” all the way up the hill until we could no longer hear. According to my mom he got in around 4:30 a.m. and told her he had met many new “muchachos” and “compadres” at a local bar and then rather than sleeping inside on a bed he hightailed it outside to sleep on the lawn chair, instead. Around 8 a.m. when the rest of us were going for breakfast the tiny Dancer was still fast asleep outside face down, fully clothed. That South Carolina lifestyle is clearly a little more fast paced than the Peker lifestyle. According to Jordan it’s just as fun, if not more, than Lincoln. He says the downtown has an entire strip of fun bars he goes to, I think he said some of his favorites are called something like Buddies, Cowboys, StudMuffins and Prideful? I can’t wait to visit.

So now I am sitting in a bath tub of aloe vera hoping to ease the pain of the red burns I acquired today. I don’t care what anyone says, I am not a fair skinned person and am going to force my skin to accept this, as well. Spending a full day at sea tomorrow will hopefully turn any remaining sunburns into a dark golden tan, as well as get rid of my raccoon eyes. But I see the sun is just about to set which tells me it's almost happy hour at pool #3 so it's time to get back to vacation. Happy Thanksgiving weekend.

#2

Dear Mexi Diary,

So today was my first deep sea fishing experience. It might have been my last, as well. Just for the record, I enjoy being on a boat. I enjoy boat drinking, I like a boat tan, I like boat music, and seeing dolphins and whales swim by is always exciting. Here is what I don’t enjoy: I don’t enjoy being freezing on a boat. I don’t enjoy watching the mexican man “help” us fish take little innocent fishys from the boat tank and slap them against the wall until their eyes pop out and they stop moving. I think it’s incredibly inhumane. On the flip side, if I was swimming in the ocean and that same little innocent fishy started nibbling on me I would probably freak out and scream kill it kill it! I am hypocritical like that. But whatever, I don’t like to see things get tortured in front of me. And heres the thing about deep sea fishing. It isn’t. It should be called deep sea reeling, because that’s all you get to do. The mexican helpers set up the line, they cast when necessary, the only thing we do is sit in the chair and start reeling after something has bit. BFD. And the boat cabin didn’t even have a fridge or mini bar beneath. I don’t know, it just wasn’t what I was expecting. But it was kind of intense to be in the middle of the huge ocean away from everything, it got me thinking about a lot of deep stuff. Like mermaids. I just think it’s pretty arrogant of us land folk to believe we are the only society there is, whose to say there isn’t an entire other under water world we are yet to discover because it is just that far beneath. Go ahead and scoff, Chris did when I expressed this theory, but then go watch Splash and tell me again I’m not on to something. But anyway, the highlight of my day didn’t come until we were heading back to port when it was time to feed the birds. I really don’t like birds, and due to more than one bird attack in my life I am kind of scared of them, but for some crazy ass reason I get a huge thrill out of feeding birds. Even though yes, I realize this always attracts a very large amount which always ends up freaking the hell out of me it, I never seem to learn. So on the way back to the harbor it was time to feed the remaining bait fish to the birds, the same bait fish I initially felt sorry for became my entertainment to throw in the air to the pelicans to fight after. I think they were pelicans, they were awfully large with big disgusting beaks. And then right at the end Andre the seal showed up at our boat to get some fish, as well! I was so excited with this, he looked like a huge puppy dog in the water just waiting to bounce a ball off of his nose. We were out of fish at this point so I quickly ran to the cooler and tried to feed he him ham and buns, but for some reason I still don’t understand, Andre wouldn’t even sniff the ham. And the oreos I threw at him didn't catch his interest in the least. Obviously the mermaids don't feed their pets table scraps.

#3

Dear Diary,

Chris and I are almost home. We are sitting in the Denver airport waiting for our flight to take up back home to Topeker. We are tired, dirty and in need of at least three showers to rinse the Mexico off of us. But never the less we are just thankful to be back in the US of A. I told Chris that it's always good to go abroad for awhile if not just to remind us why America is so freaken great, why we are just the best damn country. I have a new sense of pride whenever I return from a seven day vacaction in the toilet, I mean Mexico. But seriously, what happens in Mexico stays in Mexico-'s sewer system. TMI. I won't expand, if you've been you know what I mean. It's just nice to be home is all. I haven't seen the Today Show in over a week, for all I know a celebrity might have gone to rehab or gotten fat and I would have no idea. I have a lot of mags to catch up on. But all in all, in the words of a dear friend, Cabo was definitely fabo.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Day 1 Cabo. Merry Christmas TSA

So I said earlier people start to act a little strange when the weather changes. But even more so than people, animals start to act real odd, as well. I first noticed it a few days ago with the two dead cows and the drive by, or perhaps they were just trying to perform a routine car jacking and something obviously went drastically wrong, I still haven't heard the full story quite yet. Then last night on our way to dinner Chris and I happened to see a fox in our neighbor's yard chewing on their Christmas lights. Chris and I stopped the car and pulled up real close to it, it was the closest I had ever come to a fox I think. Boy, was it cute. It reminded me of a cross between a cat and dog with a big bushy squirrel tail. So I said,

"Hey Fox, come here."

And to my surprise it came. Then it just stopped and sat down like a perfect house dog and stared at me. It was bizarre. Then it got a real sly look in it's eye and I started to get a little anxious realizing that foxes are notorious for being sneaky little bastards. I told Chris we better move on before it started to pull some crazy shenanigans on us.

Then just a couple of hours ago as I was lugging my suitcase to my car at about 4:00 a.m. I saw a wise old owl sitting in the tree next to our apartment. It wasn't sleeping or hooting or anything, just looking. My first thought was that I was finally getting my long awaited invitation to Hogwarts. Of all days this was not a good one. I had to get to the airport. So I hate to say I chose Cabo over Hogwarts, but that's kinda how it seemed. Besides, if it truly was my invite I know it will come again.

So now I sit in the airport waiting to board my first flight to Denver. Luckily, I made it through security without a problem. I was a bit worried about this given the fact that today is National "Opt Out" Day- which basically means all those prudes who don't want to walk through the scanners and refuse to let the TSA feel them up are going to cause a real fuss today. Security lines are supposed to be awful. I chose to opt in and let the TSA have their way with me. And just to make the prudey judys extra uncomfortable I made sure to giggle and moan uncontrollably as they were patting me down. I just don't get why people are making such a big deal out of it. TSA staff need love too. But I guess I really don't care anymore, I did my part with security for the day. Now it's just two plane rides and then hello Cabo! I am scheduled to land at the same time my parents do in Mexico, Chris is coming in tomorrow. I sure hope all the flights are on time. I sure would hate to have to be on the hour taxi ride to our resort all alone. It's so expensive. I suppose I could always find someone at the airport who might be willing to share the cab with me. That's not a bad idea. I'll just look for someone that looks really nice and safe and tell him I'm all alone with no cell service to talk with anyone I know and would he mind sharing a cab. Always looking to save a buck. Day 1, so far so good. Cheers to hoping Day 2 doesn't begin with "Day 1 of my new life in human trafficking."

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

(Upside down exclamtion point) Salud!

And it's officially vacation time for me. No more work for seven days. Thank God. I'm not trying to rub this in, I mean I haven't even posted a vacation status or anything and trust me, I have been tempted many times after seeing quite a few "it's the weekend for me in 12 hours" and "can't wait to drink with friends and family in T-24 hours." I could easily have thrown out "Cabo in less than 12 hours where it's 80 degrees and I don't have to do anything for the next 7 days!" But I won't. I have better Facebook etiquette than that. Some people really lack manners on social networking sites. For example, I happened to notice quite a bit of drama unfolding yesterday regarding this site and say perhaps a few other sites linked to it and say perhaps certain individuals. Tsk tsk, don't people have anything better to do... Cricket cricket.

Anywho, I am just incredibly excited, as I am sure all of you are for these next few days. So much fun and drinking and eating is right around the corner. Our resort in Cabo always does such a nice job as portraying an American Thanksgiving, it's quite interesting to see our holiday through foreign eyes. For example, the decor in the main Thanksgiving dining area typically always involves hay stacks, bizarre cow and chicken statues, cowboys and horses, sometimes a scare crow and corn crops. That pretty much sums of the mexican view of our American holiday. I do get a bit sad that I am never able to watch the Macys Day Parade, I suppose I could watch it if I really wanted to, but it's just not the same in spanish. And I also hate it that I am never able to participate in Black Friday shopping. Actually, I take that back, I am not sad at all considering I have never in my life ventured out on this awful day to shop. To those of you that go out, I truly do admire you and your bravery. I don't think I could ever do it. For me, shopping is usually a fun and relaxing thing. It is one of the few things in life that I am not competitive about. If shopping suddenly became a stressful race for me I would literally have nothing left. I don't even like to think about me on Black Friday shopping. I am sure I would either kill someone or be killed, or I would finally have that heart attack that I know has been creeping up on me since childhood. I would also be that lunatic who would start buying shit just because I would see other people buying hoards of it, I would probably come home with like ten turbo nurf guns and five at home pedicure tubs just because I saw they were a hot commodity. Did I just date myself back to the early 90's or what? Are nurf guns still around? I hope so. Those things were great, wasn't it Blank Check that made them extra famous? Man, talk about one of the best movies of all time. I would like to watch that movie again because I have a feeling the check he wrote was probably for only like $10,000 and we all know a water slide from your room would cost a lot more than that. But anyway, I don't even know if Mexico has Black Friday. Maybe it's called Brown Friday? Was that bad? Does everybody like charge the beach at 3 a.m. to purchase from their favorite vendors? Do silver necklaces go from 3 for $2.00 to 10 for $5, do the first fifty people get free ponchos? I've never thought about this before in all the years I have been in Mexico on the day after Thanksgiving. Maybe I should consider starting this crazy American tradition for the locals. They'd love me after they'd see their Chicklet sales shoot through the hut... Oh stop it's all in good fun. I love Mexico and everything that goes with it. Tomorrow night at this time I fully intend to be sitting by the sky pool with a Dirty Monkey in one hand and a drink in the other. (Upside down exclamation point)Salud!

Monday, November 22, 2010

Touche Taylor, touche.

Taylor Martinez was the number one person googled last night between 7-9 p.m. I am totally jeal. I am yet to hold that position. I would just really like to know what he was up to last night. If you’re gonna tell me he wasn’t on FB obsessing about what every single knowledgeable football fan(like myself) was posting I simply won’t believe it. Like I said, QB’s are attention whores. Last night was probably one of the best nights of his life. He obviously has a really good publicist, because I think by now we are all starting to figure out that’s exactly what this was- some sort of publicity stunt. Since I've been talking about Crouch lately I'll reference him again and the infamous publicity stunt that landed him the spot of starting QB. Anyone recall the "child" Crouch claimed to have? Ya, puhlease, kinda ironic how we only saw that child when it was convenient for photographs, but it got people talking. Football players don't have kids, that's just silly. So it seems Tay's stunt has worked, as well. I mean I’ve never read more articles about Martinez than I did last night, and what do I care? I don’t. But last night I did. Sure, I want the Huskers to be good and it would suck if Taylor left at such a young age, but we would recover. We always do. I just wonder why exactly this publicity stunt was planned, at this specific time? Like celebs typically break up or get busted with drugs right before their new movie comes out. So what is the real news Martinez is setting us up for? I’ll have to ponder this one for a while…

Today is a stupid Monday, as usual. On my way to a dirty high school I got stalled in stand still traffic because of a bad car accident. As I got closer I saw one very smashed car and two very dead cows in the middle of the road. Eeeek. It kind of reminded me of a riddle, how does one small car kill two fat cows? Not funny though, hitting a cow is a serious thing. You don't see a whole lot of "why did the cow cross the road" jokes. Because they don't. Anyway, numerous slow drivers later, I finally got to the school and then had to fight the crazy teens trying to make it before first bell. With my head down, I rolled my luggage through the smelly cliques into the culinary room. I just wasn’t in the mood today, more so than normal. My throat hurts, I didn’t sleep well and I’m just antsy to go on vacay. So when the Pledge of Allegiance began and half of the kids didn’t stand I almost went Pelini on the class. This is something that just really, like really pisses me off. I’m not Patty Patriotic or anything, but I find this to be incredibly rude and offensive. We have a diverse country, that’s great, we let anyone in, whatever I’m fine, but when certain people don’t feel affiliated enough with our country to not show any sign of respect to our flag, well then I think they can kindly take themselves right the hell out of Amurica. Back in my day we were not only forced to stand and salute but we also sang America the Beautiful right after, and then we even ended with a prayer. It was a great way to start the day. In a public American school I think students should have to stand for the flag, at the very least, maybe they don’t have to say the Allegiance- but how hard is it to stand up for 45 seconds? I know I get weirdly upset about this, but it’s just one of those things. Now I’m all riled up again. This day needs to be over like now. There just seems to be a lot of angst floating around... Weather changing does weird things to people. Has anyone else noticed any weird situations happening, lately, or today, or on Facebook? Ya, me neither I guess. Happy Thanksgiving week.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Did he or didn't he?

Did he or didn't he? DID HE OR DIDN'T HE? This is what every single Nebraskan is asking tonight. Did Bo Pelini once play a part in SNL's famed skit "Daa Bears?" Or am I the only one who thinks he talks with a weird Chicago accent? Okay, so actually people might really be wondering if T Magic quit the team. But, I'm wondering about Bo. Does Bo realize his nose moves when he talks just like Gonzo from Sesame Street? Does Bo realize he picks his boogers on TV all the time? Do Bo realize what an asshole he is? Who is he to think he can treat reporters in such a terrible way? In the beginning it was funny how Bo belittled every reporter who asked him a question he didn't find worthy of a response, but now it's just embarrassing and quite rude. Every other coach in the league answers their questions, why is he exempt? Bobby Knight called, he says stop acting like such a douche.

So according to good sources (FB and Twitter) T Magic texted somebody in the locker room while he was getting his ankle taped. It's speculation he was texting his over zealous dad. Apparently his dad is a bit of a stage dad and has been crossing some lines as of late, like calling Bo and emailing Bo. But before we start getting our panties in a bunch I think we need to just calm down and figure out if Taylor was indeed texting. Perhaps he was updating his status? Has anyone checked his page? Because I would not be surprised in the least if we happened to see something that said, "getting my ankle taped, A&M guys are so rude! Ugh tough game!" Maybe, "A&M locker room isn't nearly as nice as UNL, can't wait to get home!" Or even my favorite, "Only 35 days til Christmas!" Just a thought, what if he was actually just reading FB to get advice from other peoples statuses like I once suggested? Then again, would anyone be surprised to find out he was just sexting? I did notice FB girl's updates were more frequent than usual yesterday during the game. Regardless, Bo was pissed Tay was playing around on his phone. I can't imagine what a dick dad Bo must be when his kids text at the dinner table or something.
"God damnit Suzie I've told you no texting during dinner! Now knock that shit off or you're going to uncle Carl's again, and you know what happens there..." Too far, I know. But seriously.

Bo makes our sweet good natured Nebraska team look bad. You can disagree, but I'm right. WWTOD. Not this. Tom Osborne would never yell and spit in a quarter backs face. Would Solich? Nope. Callahan? Perhaps. But we expected that from a celeb like Callahan- whom I still believe is a cross between Alec Baldwin and Henry Winkler... think about it. Also, remember when that cute little QB tried to quit a few years ago? What was his name?... He was a bit "light in his shoes," as Chris would say, oh yes, dear old Eric Crouch. QBs are so temperamental, it just takes a little coaxing and a few back rubs and they'll change their mind. I bet we'll wake up tomorrow and this will all be over. We'll forget it ever happened. Tay Tay will be back on the sidelines looking like the adorable buck toothed monkey child we all know and love. I can just feel it. I can feel the magic tonight.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Gingerbread Latte Season

Today I spoke at a career day in a high school that I absolutely adore. It's a little catholic school tucked away in quaint old neighborhood near the plaza. The kids are really cute in their little uniforms and they're friendly and polite and the teachers all think I'm the Iron Chef. Well today there was a plethora of professionals like myself speaking in various classrooms about their chosen careers. The students were all able to choose which sessions they wanted to go to. So if you're a high school student who do you think you're going to want to hear speak- an accountant or a "chef" who is handing out free samples. Exactly. My sessions were so full each time students had to be turned away. At one point I had the principal, vice principal and two counselors hovering in the doorway trying to catch a glimpse of my amazing presentation. So you can see why I enjoy coming to this school, I'm a freaken celebrity. Even the popular girl clique in their top siders and brand new Ugg boots were smiling at me and encouraging me to continue with my knife tosses and flame throws. Naturally, I left this school with a little bit of strut in my step- I mean for ever how much you can actually strut while pulling a cooler and Wal Mart wheel suitcase.

I had one more school to speak at before going home, so in my down time I took one of my favorite Starbucks time outs. I've noticed I tend to mark the passing of seasons with lattes. I was extremely excited for the pumpkin spice latte when fall began, although I only drank one because I actually prefer my standard caramel latte instead. Today I have had my first Gingerbread latte of the season. Once again, I will only have one because my caramel is just that much better. I just feel I have to have at least one to make the season official. I wonder why they don't have an Easter egg latte, or perhaps a deviled egg latte. They need something to mark the beginning of spring I feel. Summer usually means an iced latte, but I think a lemonade latte would suffice, as well. I will have to send my ideas to Starbucks. I'll send it with my complaint letter regarding their "low cal coffee cake" they pretend to serve. Low cal is incorrect, it should be called lowER cal than the actual extremely fattening normal coffee cake. Three hundred and thirty calories for a sliver of cake does not a low cal make. I knew I shouldn't have googled the nutrition facts on the coffee cake because it was just that good I knew it couldn't be that good. What can you do. Tis the season for getting very very chubby. I don't know why I even attempt to "get in shape" before Cabo since I spend every waking minute eating and drinking there. I just really hope my mom doesn't bring the video camera this year. There is a reason home videos typically stop after children are above the age of 12. I'll never forget the horror of seeing myself frolic in the ocean in a bikini a' la wide screen television a week after the trip. Awful. I might as well start taking notes now on E!'s show "What's Eating You" to learn some weight loss tips. I just don't think I could get myself to eat cotton balls. That is where I draw the line.

My last stop today was an alternative high school. Alternative as in teens who are either too dumb or too naughty to attend a normal high school. Talk about a complete 180 from my first lovely private school. These students were rude, obnoxious, dirty teens. They quickly reminded me why I despise my job. I went from having my own cooking TV show to being that circus entertainer I loathe. The only time the students paid any attention is when I rolled my basil leaves into a cut that is known as a "chiffonade," they were particularly interested in how I was able to roll the leaves so tightly without letting any seeds or stems in. By the end I'd had enough so I cut my presentation by like twenty minutes and simply slipped out the door. Nobody even noticed. Three more days of work and then it's Cabo for seven days... I don't know if I can make it. Every time I add lime juice to the salsa I make I can literally taste the Corona in my mouth. Three more days. Luckily, I work at a very "rough" school on Monday in south Kansas City, so if the weather is nice and if the scent of this school is as I remember it, I might already feel as if I am in Mexico.

Waity Katie

I sure am jealous of Kate Middleton this week. And also for the next fifty years, for that matter. I'd just like to know how she caught him, like the truth. While it's obvious she's stunning, and she claims to love sports, even the gross sports like hunting and ping pong. So it's obvious she wants to go with the whole "I'm a guy's girl" game- so cliche and overdone. But there has to be more to it. What did she really do in college to catch the eye of royalty? I mean that's like the equivalent of catching a good looking division one quarter back- during a winning season. It's just hard to do. I'll bet Kate is the most hated girl in her college. I can only begin to imagine the competition between the girls regarding who would get the Prince. It's probably very similar to UNL and all the little hussies going after T Magic. But I'm obviously not one to judge considering who I date, not to sound weird or anything, but Chris was pretty infamous in his frat for being one of the fastest beer chuggers in the house. And don't even get me started on his beer bong talents, not that these are the reasons I wanted to date him or anything- they sure didn't hurt though.

While I find William attractive, he does seem a bit dull to me. Harry, on the other hand, seems like a helluva good time. He is the only red head that I genuinely find to be extremely good looking, besides Carrot Top, of course. Harry seems like a real hell raiser. I could definitely see Harry and myself sitting in a pub somewhere having some drinks and exchanging a few laughs over inappropriate jokes like two old friends- Nazi Halloween costume anyone? And I think I could be an excellent princess. Like Kate, I too consider myself a commoner. I also think that sapphire-diamond ring would look quite nice on my finger, I mean if I could get myself to stop chewing my nails, which I totally would do in order to wear that ring.

I bet princess's don't have to clean up their dog's pee all over the house, which is reason enough for me to want to become royalty. Harlow was up to about 95 pees a day when we finally decided a visit to the doctor was in store. The visit began quite well at first. The doctor raved about his puppy weight, gorgeous coat and healthy ears and eyes. Chris and I were glowing. We casually mentioned to the doc about Har's little peeing problem, wondered if it's normal for a pup to pee more than fifty times a day. The doctor said there was a possibility it could be a UTI, a urine sample could let us know for sure. So Harlow took a little plastic cup into the bathroom and came out a few minutes later with wet paws and a full cup. Test results revealed that our little guy did in fact have a little urinary infection. This really made me start to wonder what exactly he was up to on that "farm" for the first six weeks of his life. Farm schmarm, it was probably more like the Bunny Ranch I'm starting to think. I have good reason to believe Harlow spent one too many nights partying in a dirty hot tub, that is one of the most common ways to get a UTI. Combine that with an all around unhealthy lifestyle and it's no wonder he has problems controlling his bowels. Luckily, we've gotten him on some strong meds, which we wrap in a slice of turkey and he gladly eats. We've also started him on a diet of cranberry juice, which we wrap in a little vodka and he gladly drinks. Oddly enough, this has been my diet as of late, as well.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Post this to your page if you want to save the world

So I guess Saturday wasn't the last home game. How bout that, I had no idea. Given the fact I always watch the Colorado game at a bar on the beach in Mexico sipping Coronas makes me think of it as a permanent away game. So no need for sulking yet, there is a still another sloppy Lincoln game in the future. Not for me though. But as I was watching the game on Saturday from the comfort of my parents couch with a glass of Chardonnay in one hand and a chocolate chip cookie in the other I wasn't exactly upset I wasn't there. Everybody looked miserable chilly. No thank you. And Chris told me the Rail even ran out of Hot Carls before he got there, so I definitely didn't miss anything. Rather than a dreary day in crowded Lincoln I had quite the afternoon in the glorious little town of Norfolky. Had I not known better I would have believed it to be black Friday at the Sunset Plaza. In fact, I would like to know if Sandy's even had a single customer in their bar on Saturday, because I'm quite sure all of their regulars were spending the day in Norfolk shopping at Target and JC Penny. Everybody was doing a little early Christmas shopping it appeared. Some new cowboy boots for dad at the western store, a new rifle for little Timmy from Nebraska Sports, a low cut Rampage shirt for slutty older sis from The Vanity, and a fancy light up Christmas sweater for mom at Schwesers. Every store was a cluster, including the middle booths full of Mountain Man nuts and dried fruits. But I didn't mind, nothing gets me more in the mood for Christmas than shopping at the Norfolk mall packed with every town resident within the fifty mile radius. It was a mad house of overalls and Sketcher shape ups every where you turned- two of the hottest fall fashions for Northeast Nebraska. I especially enjoyed the outfit I saw one trendy teen wearing consisting of red corduroy overalls over the top of a black Nebraska hoody, with faux Uggs on the bottom. Very Husker chic.

As I was out and about this weekend I noticed bell ringer season has begun. I always feel bad when I walk by these people and don't give money. But I rarely have cash, I really try to give when I have an extra dollar or two. I think they should consider having a debit card machine on hand, I would for sure donate much more. And thanks to Facebook, no good deed or donation has to go unmentioned these days. I mean what's the point of doing something nice for someone if nobody else notices how nice you are being, right? Exactly. That's why I love to see so many statuses lately of people telling the world how nice they are being by performing "anonymous" good deeds. I feel like such an idiot, I donated $1 to a bell ringer on Friday and completely forgot to put it on Facebook! Do you know how many "likes" I could have gotten for that? Somtimes I am so selfless it kills me. But really, I feel like posting good deeds on FB inspires others to do good deeds too, so then they can update their status, as well. It's all meant for the greater good. Just like how you can post what color of bra you are wearing and it's supposed to help breast cancer... I still don't understand that one though. Or really all of those posts for that matter. Perhaps I am being ignorant, but how will posting "Today is national testicular cancer day and so I am honoring all the fathers and brothers and grandfathers who I love by posting this, you should do the same," how will this help cure the disease? But if it does really work, I think someone should start one that says "today is national lose ten pounds day, post this if you want to lose ten pounds by next weeks vacation without having to do anything."

Friday, November 12, 2010

The Season That Was

My how Husker season flys when you're black out. I can't believe it's already the last home game. Seems like it was just yesterday I was crossing off the days on my Husker team calendar anxiously awaiting the first game and all the fun that went along with it- bars, porta pottys, Embassy, talegates, hangovers, fights, Amigos, hangovers, yelling at strangers, shots, shots and more shots. And a lot of fun it was.

But really, I am trying hard to not let myself think about the game too much tomorrow on account of the fact I won't be attending. Apparently, dogs aren't allowed into the stadium. But I could swear I've seen a few in there once before. I told Chris we just have to get me a cane and some dark sunglasses and nobody will question me walking in with Harlow. It's just not fair. To be honest I don't even care about not going to the actual game tomorrow, I just hate to think about all the fun everyone will be having at the bars without me. I've had a rough week, and right now nothing sounds better to me than a sloppy sweaty red faced night downtown. I'd like to have in depth conversations with people I would rarely say hello to on a normal day, I want to take shots of Rumplemintz with old college pals, I'd like to jump up and down on the Rail dance floor and call it "dancing," and then I'd like to finish the night by cutting the line at The Bar and singing Miley Cyrus songs at the top of my lungs because it's a party in the USA. I don't feel like I ask for that much. I didn't know getting a dog would mean that I wouldn't be able to drink for 13-14 consecutive hours on a game day in Lincoln. That definitely wasn't a decision I was ready to make. Don't worry though, Chris will be in attendance. Yes he will. While I will most likely be scrubbing pee marks Chris will be slapping backs and giving fives in the stands with his friends and then afterward he'll be Mr. Social at the Rail with all of his long lost buddies. The thought makes me sick. Back in the day the Rail had no prejudices, they served everyone. One legged, two legged, four legged, it didn't matter. Izzy and I used to go there every summer night during the week back in '08, and she wasn't a day over twelve. But I wouldn't even attempt to bring Harlow in these days. He wouldn't even be wearing a wife beater or a bandanna and I'm sure they still wouldn't let him in. If I seriously want to go dt with him I think my best bet would be to spike his hair, dress him in Ed Hardy jeans and an Affliction top and just go sit at Brothers and drink out of those plastic Little Tike juice cups they serve alcohol in. Just the thought of that place makes me feel greasy.

I suppose the one good thing about Husker season ending is the fact that it means another season is just beginning. The most wonderful season of all. Christmas. I can barely contain my excitement each time I see a new holiday commercial on television. I am just gitty with anticipation for the song Gap will choose to sing and dance to this year, it's always a good one. Coca Cola's usually bring a tear to my eye. And can't forget Kay jewelers, they tell a mini story within every commercial that is just so beautiful. Every kiss begins with Kay. And before Christmas comes Thanksgiving, so that means that in less than two weeks I will be in Cabo drinking a margarita somewhere, or eating a taco, or purchasing fine silver jewelry and hand crafted bowls from a five year old child on the beach. Most likely doing all three at once.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Proud to be an American- Where the Vets can eat for free.

Amurica sure knows how to treat people right. If I could trade spots with anyone today it would be a veteran, without a doubt. The perks they're getting on this special day make anything they went through completely worth it ten times over. If given another chance would I serve in the military knowing it would get me a free blooming onion from Outback today? Definitely. Not to mention a free Like It size serving from Coldstone. Free pancakes from IHOP. Free spin dip from Applebees. And the list goes on and on. There are so many reasons to sign up for the army today it's not even funny. Actually, I wonder if people who sign up on this very day are still applicable to receive all of the goodies? Regardless, I sure hope today proves to all of the soldiers out there how much America really loves them, Coldstone however, apparently only likes the soldiers. I think that's a little rude because clearly we Gotta Have the soldiers but whatever, to each their own. I just hope Lady GaGa writes a song about today. That would be really nice. And not just for the gay soldiers, either. Sometimes I think she shows just a little too much favoritism to only the homosexual soldiers. She needs to get better at sharing her attention fairly amongst everyone. Especially since it seems many of the gay soldiers don't want that much attention on them anyway, I mean that's what I've heard. Don't ask don't tell, right? They obviously want to remain a little discreet. So why is Gaga trying to out all of them? She better be careful or else soon everyone will know who is gay in the military and where is the fun in that.

Speaking of fun... I've had little of it lately thanks to the little devil named Harlow. I still like, I mean love Harlow. He's just a little more work and a little less cute than I was hoping for. I have to constantly watch him and chase him around the house to make sure he doesn't pee. And when he does pee, which is every five minutes, I have to sneakily clean it up without him seeing. The dog training book says you should never clean up your dog's accident in front of him because that will let him think that you are his mother and always willing to clean up after him. But now that I think about that it doesn't make any sense because I find it hard to believe Harlow's doggy mom from the farm would follow him around constantly cleaning up his pee. The only time I can shower is when/if Harlow happens to fall asleep for a few minutes. It's incredibly tiring. And where is Chris you might ask. "Work." He goes to his plush, quiet office everyday where coffee flows like water and his secretary keeps the candy dishes full. I can see why people have babies before dogs, they'd be much easier to take care of. Babies wear diapers. They don't bark or bite. And you can put them in a kennel and they won't try to get out like dogs do. I should have adopted a baby from a Topekan farm rather than a puppy, I think it would have been a lot easier on me. Live and learn.

Monday, November 8, 2010

Carlos

Harlow is kinda naughty. We locked him in the bathroom while we were at work Friday with his new comfy bed, food and water and lots of toys to entertain himself. I even debated bringing one of the toys with me on my commute, licking peanut butter out of a rubber duck seems like a great way to pass time if you ask me. But I figured Harlow probably needed it more than I did. We put the trash on the counter and tucked the shower curtain in the tub, there wasn't too much harm he could get into. Chris came home at lunch and said Har was sleeping like the angel he is. I, however, found a different situation at 3:00. Upon opening the door I saw the new bed pushed behind the toilet, both food and water bowls on their back side with puddles of water and food scattered everywhere. The "fancy" towels that are just meant for hanging on the rack and not actual use appeared to be a better option than the bed as Harlow had pulled them onto the ground in a giant heap and was sleeping dreamily on them with the plunger in his mouth. Would cleaning out his mouth with soap be too harsh of a punishment? Would it cause him to go blind like it did Ralphy? Who was I kidding though I knew he couldn't be punished for getting a little bored. And its kinda sweet that he felt at home enough on his first day to make himself completely comfortable. Sleeping in a pile of towels was his previous life, I have to remember that. His upbringings are quite different from what I'm used to, I am going to have to keep this in mind whenever he forgets to shut a door or something and I might accidentally say, "Come on Harlow, what were you raised in a barn?" ... Might hit a little too close to home I bet. But otherwise he has been a gem of a dog. Besides the fact he pees about 75 times a day. He'll go pee twice outside and the second he comes in he'll have to go again. His bladder is like mine on a game day, it's ridiculous.

Remember how I said Chris and I live in a Brady Bunch like neighborhood? I mean if the Brady Bunch lived in a multi cultural apartment complex. Well today poor little Har had the unfortunate event of having to meet all of the neighborhood kids, it was awful. First it started off with just two little girls petting him. But then they called their brothers who called their cousins who called their classmates who called their drug dealers. Before we knew it, Har and I were surrounded by over ten children on our step. I don't know who was more uncomfortable, me or Harlow. I told them he was a Vizsla, although I don't know why I even bothered because they were all certain he was either a Pit Bull or a Boxer. They were all pretty sad when I finally took "Carlos" inside but I told them he would be back out, at which point they asked if I could bring more toys outside with me the next time. For Harlow or for the kids I wonder? I bet they'd love the peanut butter toy.

Friday, November 5, 2010

Harlow and Me

I like pets. I honestly do. I just don't like messiness. Or pee spots. And I don't like trash torn apart everywhere, especially dirty napkins- that makes me gag. And pet hair all over everything grosses me out, too. But nobody likes this stuff. It's not that weird for me to feel this way. So since I'm not weird and am totally able to handle a pet, Chris and I decided to get a puppy. Well, we decided to think about getting a puppy. I'm actually the one who decided there was no sense in waiting any longer and drove to Gridley, KS yesterday afternoon to bring home Harlow. The last conversation Chris and I had about a puppy was yesterday at lunch, at which point we were both still unsure, and decided it would be best if we gave it some more thought for a few days.

But then I was done with work at noon and was just twiddling my thumbs around the house so getting a new puppy seemed like the only logical solution to cure my boredom. Harlow was born on a farm in BFE near Emporia, Kansas. But he clearly was not meant for farm life. I don't want to sound snotty, but the moment Harlow saw me step out of my car with a Louis Vuitton in tow, he could not have run any faster toward me. He jumped in my arms and practically begged me to take him. I was initially skeptical about getting a dog, but as I was covered in puppies licking and jumping on me I was sure I had made the right decision. I started to smell dog poo everywhere and wanted to get this show on the road. I noticed one of the puppies' had poo all over his paws. And then another. And another. They were all carelessly running through a very large pile of dog shit, tracking it everywhere. Puppies covered in shit jumping on you= you covered in shit. I had it on my knees and thighs and stomach and elbows, poop was everywhere! I didn't freak out though. This was just a test I decided. I calmly asked the owner for a towel and wiped myself down as best as I could so the hour ride home wouldn't be completely miserable. No biggy. Dog owners have to learn to deal with this kind of shit...

So now me and Harlow are safely in my car driving to the city. I'm telling him all about his new life and how great it's going to be. I told him how he gets his very own bed and own room and lots of toys and he said,

"I've never had one before,"

and I said, "what, your own room?"

he said, "no, my own bed."

My heart nearly melted. That's when I knew I wasn't changing his life. He was changing mine.

Anyway, the car ride seems to be going fine. I'm chatting away about all my big plans for him in the future when suddenly I notice he is drooling quite a bit. Ugh great, I think, I hate drool and now I have Beethoven on my hands. The next thing I know, little Har has thrown up EVERYWHERE. Great... Now I'm covered in shit and vomit. What's next is his head going to start spinning? Is this normal, I wonder? I pick him up to try to clean him off and he starts to tinkle on me. Really? But seriously, really? What else could happen? I decided right then and there that if he somehow started to menstruate on me I would have to take him back, it just wasn't meant to be. But instead he layed his little head down and fell asleep the rest of the way.

When we got home he followed me everywhere. So naturally I gave him a tour of his new house. The moment I sat down he crawled in my lap and wouldn't leave my side. At this point, Chris still has no idea. So when he walked into the house and saw me sitting on the couch as usual, he didn't think anything was up, until he did a double take and noticed Har fast asleep on my lap. I've never seen someones eyes light up as bright as Chris's did at that moment. I wish I could have taped it because it would have been a youtube sensation,

"A dog! Is that a dog? We got a dog? Is that a dog? We have a dog? You got a dog? A dog? We have a dog!"

He was as excited as a little boy could be. It was great. So after Chris rolled on the floor with Har for a few moments and rubbed his face in his belly a few dozen times we headed to Pets Mart to pick out a few essentials. Bed, treats, bones, tech vest, snow boots, rope, tire swing ext. We want to make sure to do everything right with this little guy. So we bought him puppy food, even though I would like him to get used to eating people food. That's the right thing to do I think. We put his bed in our room, but Har preferred to sleep in the people bed. Who wouldn't though? Like I said, we're trying to do everything right. He slept like a little angel, besides the fact he snored like an old man and was constantly making a gulping sound and moving his lips- he appeared to be dreaming that he was milking from his mama, it was adorable. And the dog slept pretty good, as well.

All in all, the first day/night went pretty good. Whoever said puppies are hard to care for doesn't know what they're talking about. I'll bet Har never does anything bad. He's just too cute to be naughty.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

He went to Jared!

Today is a very special day. Three years ago on November 3rd I began dating my best friend. And then me and Kate decided it probably wouldn’t work out so I started dating Chris. Oh I can remember the awkward “will you be my girl friend” conversation like it was just yesterday. We were sitting in Fiji and it was a Saturday night. We had both just returned from Lawrence from the afternoon KU vs Nebraska game, naturally, we were both extremely hungover from the Hawk the night before. I told him I wasn’t in the mood to go out and wanted to stay in and watch a movie, he agreed this was a good idea. He also told me that this was the first Saturday he had stayed in since he started college. I was just so tickled he was willing to give up a night of drinking to hang out with me. He decided he was hungry so he ordered the Italian special from Jimmy Johns- extra meat. This was when I knew he was the one. When that sub came my stomach nearly ate itself with anticipation. I was still in the new dating phase where I pretended I didn’t eat a lot so at first I declined a bite when he offered. He offered again, I think he saw me staring at the meat falling out of the sides, and so I couldn’t help myself. I gave in and took a bite so big I almost choked myself, not kidding. This is when he knew I was the one. I think it went something like this after that,
“So, I really like hanging out with you.” His breath reeked of pepperoni. He still gets mad when I say this.

“Ya. Me too,” my breath reeked of pepperoni.

“Do you uh, like, should we like, date for real?”

“Like officially?

“Ya.”

“Ya. I think so.”

It was straight out of a romantic movie.

“Are you going to put this on Facebook?” this was obviously me.

“I don’t care.”

“I feel like we should wait just a little bit.”

This was me being insecure, worrying that he might suddenly decide I wasn’t “the cool girlfriend” I appeared to be and break up with me shortly after and I’d have to go through the humiliation of a Facebook break up.

“Like omg, I saw she was just in a new relationship like last week, and it’s already off.”- Snotty girl.

“Ya, that’s like so embar.”-snotty girl’s friend.

Obviously this didn’t happen because I am about as awesome as it gets. Three years later here we are. Living the dream in Topeker. He’s gonna take me to a real fancy restaurant tonight. We thought about Olive Garden, but that place is always packed, it’s right alongside Red Lobster and Applebees and literally their parking lots are always completely full. We think you have to know someone to get a reservation there. I told him no presents, but I could still see him surprising me with something nice. Maybe some Black Hills gold earrings or something. There is a jewelry store downtown known for their Black Hills stuff. I just hope he wouldn’t do something stupid and try to hide it in my dessert or something. Then again, he knows better than to come between me and dessert. The situation would be similar to trying to grab a bone from Jagz, our Doberman. Like Jagz, I can’t be blamed for tearing skin.

So I know you’re all probably wondering… When are we going to take the next step. We talk about it, don’t get me wrong, we definitely discuss it. It’s just such a huge decision we don’t want to jump right into it just because everyone else is. I’ve seen too many times when people just get too caught up in the hype and the fun and then they end up being regretful later on in life. Not many people know this, but I am guilty of making this exact mistake once in my life. In Vegas- go figure. I was sixteen years old. I don’t know what I was thinking. Maybe I just did it because I could. And I’ve had to live with the consequence, to this day this decision still haunts me. Haunts my lower back side to be exact. So this is why Chris and I aren’t just going to get the first his and hers tattoos that we think of. He for example, would like us to get matching Herbie Husker tattoos with a heart around them. So lame. I said if we’re going to get something we need to get something really cool and meaningful like Nike swooshes on our calves. He wasn’t too excited about this, either. But this is exactly why we haven’t taken this step yet. We’re clearly not ready. And I’m okay with that.

All I ask for tonight is a nice dinner and good bottle of wine and I will be more than content. Of course it wouldn't hurt either if he went to Jared... I've had my eye on their new heart charm necklace.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

OH YEAH.

I try to be a polite guest speaker, I really do. I show up on time. I dress appropriately. I start every day giving the students the benefit of the doubt that they are going to be a good, respectful class. But I can't be blamed for calling students out when they continually speak while I am trying to present. It's quite rude. And I think they need to know because for some reason they have missed this courtesy rule in life. I feel that I am doing them a great favor by bringing their shortcoming to attention. But for some reason each time I call a student out by simply saying,
"hey you, chatty Kathy- be quiet you're being rude."

The whole class seems to think I have just said the funniest thing ever, except the student I called out, of course. Said student will typically look at me like I just stepped on their converse, like I just spit on their Sublime T shirt. It's a good thing I don't go to the same school two days in a row because frequently I get a death look from the kids that seriously scares the shit out of me. The look that lets me know if I return the next day there is a good chance the little Manson is going to try to harm me in some way. I know that sounds extreme, but that's how high school kids are. If I say anything that embarrasses them in the least bit, even unintended, they act as if it's the first time anyone has ever told them to drop their sassy little attitude. But I'm really not being that mean, why should I let the little shits chit chat about cigarettes and beer while I am trying to present some very valuable information about their future? Information that could lead them into a career doing something they love...I will say though, I rarely call out the little snotty snatches of the class. Boys just glare at me, but I could see girls getting real mean. Saying things I don't even want to imagine, like about the fact I am 23 years old and cater to different high schoolers everyday while dressed like the Iron Chef. That's what I am scared of. Especially because every high school senior I talk to is going to be a famous athlete, model or movie star. Some say they'll be a fashion designer if the whole model thing doesn't work out. Well it's always smart to have a back up plan. I've noticed the juniors are typically a little more college bound. Usually UCLA or NYU, small schools- nothing too flashy. These are the students who have never left Kansas. So I know some of you might be thinking that I am calling the kettle African American given the fact that I too once dreamed of moving to California to become a movie star. The difference with me is the fact that I had given up on this dream by high school, I was ready and signed up for UNL by the start of my senior year. I think its all the stupid reality shows these days that are giving kids such false hopes. It's about this time when I tell the students that it's always been my dream to live in Topeker and be a traveling college presenter, I am one of the few lucky ones who "doesn't work a day in their life," because you know that's what they say, if you have a job you love it never feels like work. I'd like to know who is "they" exactly? It's not movie stars because they're always saying how much they work all the time. It's not Taylor Swifty because just yesterday on Ellen she said she's a "workaholic," I think that's what she said anyway, I was a bit distracted though because I was seriously concentrating on her eyes trying to figure out if my theory is correct that she is indeed one of the whitest Asian Americans I have ever seen. The only possible "they" I can think of is the Jersey Shore cast. So I guess in this case reality shows aren't actually giving false hopes to these kids who dream of moving to California and New York to strike it rich without having a single talent in their entire body to rely on. All they simply need is a slogan and some hairspray and they can be well on their way to stardom. T SHIRT TIME! OH YEAH HOT TUB TIME. OH YEAH. At least GTL was semi clever. I feel like Pauli D's "OH YEAH" was simply a test on his part to see if he said something stupid over and over on every episode if people would start copying him and saying it the same way... Guess we know who failed that test. All of us. The Jersey kids did it again.

Monday, November 1, 2010

Over and Out

So what can I say? The cookie monster crumbled and I was in bed by 11 on Saturday night. I'd had too many cookies and knew I should go home before things got real out of hand. Turns out, carrying around a bag of Milano Double Chocolate cookies in your purse is simply a recipe for disaster. But I also blame Friday night for my early departure from down town, as well. Tye's shower was almost too much fun for me to handle. Like I've said, drinking champagne in a nice dress always does me in. Throw in some good appetizers and friends that you actually want to see and things were bound to get a bit hazy. We drank, we danced, we made toasts, some even made burns... Toast giving 101, never mention the name of an ex. Even if it's all in good fun, an ex should stay as far from a bridal shower as possible. Especially if the ex is a person whom everyone in the room seems to know. Cue uncomfortable laugh followed by awkward silence.

So then the party moved downtown. It probably would have been in all of our best benefit had the party remained at the federal building and never even attempted the sweaty mess known that was the Rail. My dress that I was initially bummed had a spot on it the size of a pin prick concluded the night with traces of every shot I had taken on both the front and the back side. Not sure how I managed to spill down the back of myself but it's not the first time and I'm sure it won't be the last time, either. When the Rail finally became too sweaty and packed to even move we knew it was time to make the trek to The Bar. But we weren't greeted by at least twenty people we knew upon entering like usual so we very quickly decided it was time to go. I became instantly nervous that in my time away from Lincoln The Bar had suddenly become a place where anyone could go, like Iquanas or Brothers- something awful like that, who could all of these GDIs be, I wondered? But then I realized the faces were unfamiliar simply because they were all fresh faced 21 year olds I had never seen before. These were kiddys who were barely 18 when I was in college. My how Bar time flys.

I woke up Saturday without a voice and without the normal drive I have to drink on a game day. It was very bizarre. I was in the mood for the game, don't get me wrong, but I was more interested in getting into the stadium than I was to sit at a talegate and drink- like I said, I just wasn't myself. After the game concluded I made a brief stop at Theta to say hello to birthday girl Stigge. It was the first time I had been in Theta since our senior lemon dinner when I "fell asleep" between speeches and actual dinner. Besides some new paint on the walls and one new random chair in the living room it hadn't changed a bit. Fritzy was still pretending to be in her polly pocket size room, even though everybody knows she sneaks out the back to hang out with her biker boyfriend, Margey and her family were loitering in the kitchen stealing food for their trailer court. Sober Thetas were bitchy at drunk Thetas, drunk Thetas were spilling shit, and I was dressed like Cookie Monster riding a unicycle around the first floor. Times really never change.

I spent the greater part of yesterday browsing Facebook albums. They were everything I hoped for and more. I asked Chris if he thought the skanks were out in full force Saturday night and he said he didn't really notice too many. I wonder if perhaps he just said this because the last he saw of me Saturday night I was dressed in a blue furry outfit meant for an extra large male while on my way to get gyros with my parents before calling it a night. He probably just didn't want to make me feel bad. Last night Chris and I spent Halloween cozied up on our couch listening to the new Police Scanner app he has on his phone. There was a lot of action in ol Peker on Halloweener. There was numerous gun shot reportings, suspicious people in dark alleys, and even a drunk man in a cheerleading outfit running down main street. We were so busy looking up codes we could barely get to everything in time. We decided we'll just have to print off the code sheet from here on out. That's a big 10-4. Over and out.
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