Friday, December 31, 2010

NYE: So Overrated.

To be quite honest, I've never really cared much for this so called "holiday." It's so overrated. Why would you call the end of a year a holiday, anyway? It has to happen at some point. There is no sense in celebrating the inevitable. It's so American of us to try to celebrate every mundane thing. When are we going to start celebrating every last day of the month? Or hell, let's start celebrating every single Sunday night since it's the end of the week. I'm just not into it. So ask me if care that I am stranded in Topeker on New Years Eve thanks to icey roads and white outs on the interstate? Because I don't care. Not one bit. Nope, I haven't even thought about it, or cried about it, or cried some more, or thrown a fit about how much I hate it here. Because that's just not what I do. I'm just a roll with the punches kinda gal. Nothing gets to me, I'm just easy going like that. So I don't even mind that Chris is on the couch with the stomach flu right now. I'll still wear my 2011! hat I purchased at Target, and blow the horns I bought and do a little new years dance all by myself and still have a grand time. Won't be the first time. Let's talk about high school and the fact that I didn't have a sip of alcohol on NYE until I was 19. I couldn't, I was in season. And unlike some high school athletes I knew who chose to drink, even on the bus rides home, cough cough Kim, I wasn't like that. The Norfolk Lady Panthers were a sober team through and through. So ask me what my favorite NYE memory is that I have. Does it involve excessive drinking? Does it involve shots of goldy or perhaps fountains of champagne? Sure doesn't. It involves a little known basketball tournament called the GNAC in Grand Island, Nebraska where I was named player of the game my senior year on NYE 2004. They don't give that title out to just anybody. I had to score at least 14 points to get it, and 8 steals, 4 assists... I mean I think, I'm not saying I remember the actual numbers or anything I'm just guessing obviously. Now that was a good new years eve. Luckily, I brought back a few of my old basketball tapes from home so tonight Chris and I will be able to relive that wondeful game all over again! I am so excited to share that moment with him. Norfolk vs. North Platte, championship game! I get butterflies just thinking about it. But enough of that.

NYE 2010. Woo flipping hoo. Who wants to drink with a bunch of friends tonight anyway? Or be in a loud bar where everyone is buying everyone shots? Or where confetti falls from the ceiling after the 3!2!1! countdown. It's so cliche. Been there, done that. And someone always ends up taking the party too far and finds themself standing out on their balcony in a shiney top and high heels trying to fly. That sure didn't get Jenny anywhere good.

I can only imagine where next new years eve will find me. One never knows. I sure wouldn't have guessed last year at this time that I would ring in 2011 drinking champagne alone in an apartment in Topeker, Kansas. I must have really pissed God off somewhere along the road. Note to self: find church, just not Westboro. Well, I wish you all a very happy new year and Auld Lang Syne, whatever the hell that means. If I make it through tonight I can get through anything.

Thursday, December 30, 2010

NYE 2010!

Woo hoo tonight is New Years Eve eve! I am like so totally pumped for tomorrow. NYE is like for sure one of the best nights to go out. I know I love getting all dolled up and going out when it's freezing outside and I've just spent the last seven days eating non stop, cooped up inside and the only bit of sunlight my body has seen is from the rays of the microwave. Ya par-tay!! Over priced drinks, overly crowded bars, freezing temps- my kind of night! NYE is also great because it's like the Halloween of winter. Slutty dresses? Yes please! Hooker heels? Uh duhs! Coat to keep me warm? Only if its see through! Us gals can wear absolutely anything we want and no one can judge. I mean, I still judge of course, but it's only out of jealousy, right? Isn't that what it means when you stare at other girls wearing trampy clothes and you're not, it means your jealous. Definitely. I also enjoy NYE, not just because I can use the fun abbreviation NYE, but also because when I say good bye to people at like 10:00 p.m. that I won't see til tomorrow I can say, "see ya next year!" That's just fun. So when I hear people say things like, "it's just another night," or "it's the most overrated night of the year," or other bah humbug stuff like that I feel sorry for the poor fellas. What on earth has made some people so bitter, I wonder? Lack of 12:00 kiss? Plans not "fun enough" to live up to the hype that is NYE? These are all such superficial reasons we are talking about. New Years Eve does for mankind what texting did for deaf people. It opens a whole new window of possibilities. It's just the entry way to a brand new start. What's better than that? Do I go on runs? No. But in 2011 I bet I will! Do I volunteer? Not now. But why the heck not in 2011? So have I been suffering from post Christmas depression as of late? Perhaps a bit. Will I in 2011? Well not in January, but yes, I imagine I will go through the same thing next December. But for now I am keeping my eye on the prize. On ringing in the new year with a great attitude! On making some resolutions and sticking to them. Not the type I used to make when I was little (candy only for dinner, stop making bed, stop brushing teeth) what a silly 18 year old I was! I'm talking about very important things. Like keep Zucky waiting a few more days before I respond. Check. Finish screenplay about life after college and how much it sucks. Check check. Have couch cleaned from the numerous spots Harlow has peed on it. And check. Couch cleaner lady just left twenty minutes ago. All is looking good.

Tomorrow at this time I hope to be safe and sound in Omaha (weather permitting) sipping on champagne at my sister's house with Chris and Harlow and Izzy and Mischa and Jagz as Jade's house as officially become the house of dogs. So if you're in Omaha we should hang out. It's going to be my first Omaha NYE and I am obviously super stoked. I'll be the one out in the sequin hot pants and black lace crop top! Woo hoo NYE 2010!

Monday, December 27, 2010

My letter from Zucky

Well Zucky finally wrote me back. Three weeks later... But I'll cut him some slack on account of that whole Times Man of the Year thing, I imagine that kept him a little busy for a while. I haven't gone home to see the actual package as I'm still in Norfolk on bed rest due to extreme over eating, but Chris called me right away to tell me the news. He told me there was a big package at home addressed to me from Facebook. Imagine that! Facebook writing me for once. It's like my dream of all dreams. I can just see Zucks sitting on his bean bag chair constructing the perfect letter to me, although a simple FB message might have a been a little quicker I think. But I do have pretty strict privacy settings, I'll bet he couldn't pull me up. So anyway, according to Chris, the package contained a very nice note proclaiming that my novella is clever, well written and incredibly uplifting for Facebookers of all ages. It's everything Facebook stands for, its a book for Fb creeps written by a Fb creep. Like I said, my dreams are coming true. Finally, all of my hard work on other's people's profiles and wall to walls and status updates is starting to pay off. For legal reasons, Zucks can't really do too much with my work at this point until I sign a few simple papers. Just basic stuff it seems like. Chris told me the package contains the papers I need to sign in order to get this ball rolling. I told him to just forge my signature and send it back so we can get on with the whole rich and famous process and pack our bags already! Regardless, Chris is insisting I read it first. Nonsense. Nobdody reads agreements and contracts anymore, you scroll to the bottom as fast as you can and click I AGREE TO THE TERMS blah blah blah. Everybody knows that. Zucky wouldn't take advantage of me. Especially with something as important as Facebook Girl. Chris claims that by signing some of these agreements I could potentially be signing away all rights, and he could even claim the idea as his own. Ya right. Zucks would never do such a thing. Claim an idea that wasn't actually his as his own? Not the blue faced profile picture man I know. So as soon as I recover fully from the five day food coma I have slipped into I will be back in Topeker ready to sign what needs to be signed. Who knows, maybe by spring time Facebook Girl will be right next to Whats Your Poop Tell You and I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell on the front stand at Urban Outfitters. Oh if I could only be so lucky... And then available at Tj Max six months after. I just get too gitty thinking about the possibilities of being a second class writer, it's practically as exciting as being hired to be the ghost writer for celebs such as Lauren Conrad or Nichole Richie. It's just all happening so fast. Don't be surprised if any day now you happen to see "is now friends with Mark Zuckerberg" appear on my page...

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Chpt 15 Hooking Around the Christmas Tree...

I really can't stay... But baby it's cold outside my bed...

What a wonderful time of year this is. I am so thankful that Mark Zuckerberg invented Christmas so we have even more opportunities to keep in touch with strangers and post exactly what we are doing every single moment to celebrate this amazing time. Sugar cookie decorating with the little nieces and nephews and shopping at Victorias Secret and eating lots and lots of naughty food-then hitting the gym for at least an hour to keep that smoking profile bod, duh! If it's not documented on Facebook it might not have happened. Facebooker's young and old partake in the fun of this holiday on the social network; whether it's posting a picture of the newly decorated artificial tree set perfectly in the corner of the apartment, or photos of the kiddys sitting on a pedophile's, excuse me I mean Santa's lap. I truly believe Facebook helps spread the joy all the more, of course this only adds more fuel to the chestnut fire regarding my theory of God vs Mark, friend or foes? But this is another chapter...

And what about Santa's very own sexy little helper, Facebook Girl? How does she celebrate the season? I think the better question is how doesn't she? She's got the spirit in her, no not the rapper, she's really got the festive spirit. She might be just as busy as Santa this time of year. There is just so much to post in such little time. Not a single moment goes by without an update, and mobile photo upload to boot. All I can say is THANK GOD for picture phones or I wouldn't have been able to see the Christmas heels she was debating between to purchase for Christmas Eve church. Which says the birth of baby Jesus more- Cheetah pumps or velour open toed wedges? Do you have to wear underwear with a mini skirt to church even if you're wearing sheer tights?! Tough call! And fashion dilemmas are just the start of the fun of this posting season. Facebook Girl is shopping, baking, doing good deeds, having hilarious mishaps left and right, "ice + 8 inch heels= mistake! Ahhh!" If a Facebook Girl falls on ice but a phone isn't around to post it, does she make a sound? When she isn't busy donating to the bell ringers or letting someone take a parking spot in the mall that was like totally her's but whatever it's Christmas, she is relaxing watching holiday movies and quoting every single line from Home Alone, reflecting on the importance of family, "getting crunkkkkk with my mom and dad, my mom is drunker than me! love the holidays :)" and (begrudgingly) eating pounds of delicious food. Does posting a log of every single morsel of food that has touched your mouth for the past 24 hours scream pride or extreme guilt and regret?

Luckily, FbGirl does allow a little time for fun this time of year. How could one not with all of the festive warm drinks that are available? From Christmas parties downtown to skanky sweater parties at houses. A sweater party just isn't a sweater party if you're not out in a child's tight, low cut sweater, leggings, heeled boots and innocent pig tails. I'm nice... But mostly naughty, giggle giggle. But really she's mostly nice, otherwise why would she post about the importance of knowing God and the birth of baby Jesus? Nevermind the profile pic of the booty and boobies. It's all a part of the fun. Because most of all this year she really just wants someone to love. And love her. At least that is what her letter to Santa said that was ever so kind enough to post a portion of. Wait a second. How did I not think of this before? Santa has Facebook! Wow, I feel like an idiot for not realizing this until just now. If we can talk to MJ, our deceased Grandpa, and the cat we lost five years ago- RIP Kit Kat :( well then of course Santa is on the Book! And this whole time I just thought she was posting "Dear Santa," statuses to be cute. But she is legitimately writing him via FB. But wouldn't a private message be a little more appropriate? I guess one could argue that question on everything though, couldn't they?

FbGirl: "OMG. I just ate like 12 cookies 10 cupcakes and 1000 pieces of candy. Oh well tis the season to get chubby I guess!"

Tis the season to also get an eating disorder.

FbGirl: "Only four more days to buy presents,wrap them all cute, bake cookies and buy a new dress for church! Ahh I'm running out of time!!!"

And posting/mobile uploads every step of the way take up even more time out of your busy schedule! Eeek!

FbGirl: "Dear Santa, all I want this year is guy who is not a douche and knows how to treat a girl right. And maybe the cute PINK! lace nighty from Victorias Secret... Thanks xoxo"

Like like like!

FbGirl: "I feel sooo bad for the bell ringers in the freezzzing cold. They def deserved the hot chocolate I gave them. Giving is the best part of this season!"

No, giving, and then posting about giving is the best part!

FbGirl: "Sometimes we have to stop and remember it's not just about the gifts or decorations. The real part of this holiday is the birth of Jesus. Merry XMas everyone :)"

Nothing says a chritstian holiday like taking the Christ out of CHRISTmas. Merry XMas indeed.

Monday, December 20, 2010

The Christmas Photo

Given the fact that I start preparing for Christmas around the end of October it's only to be expected that it usually seems to end for me about a week early. So that means I start to get post Christmas blue before it's even come. Last night when Chris told me Christmas is basically over I almost broke into tears. Because I know he's right. He was only saying it to tease me but it still got me pretty upset. I just love this season so much I can't bear the thought that it's almost over, even the bad holiday stuff hasn't bothered me this year i.e. God awful busy malls, children strung out on sugar in restaurants they shouldn't be at in the first place, and a Christmas card photo my mom choose featuring a very high school dyke looking version of myself at 7 a.m. in Cabo on the fishing boat and a slanty eyed stoned looking Chris- thanks for that by the way, Mom. It still went on the fridge regardless, because it's all a part of the most wonderful time of the year. I wonder why there isn't a song about January and February that's called It's The Most Suicidal Time of the Year. But I just can't allow myself to go there at this time, I have to stick in the present, but the last thing I'll say is that I really and truly wish January and February were 25 day months. I don't think it would be that hard to just add a few days onto May, June and July in order to shorten that dreary time- just an idea. But anywho, tomorrow I am officially on the road to Christmas in Norfolky, with a brief stop in Omaha for Jade's baby shower tomorrow night. I think this is the first baby shower I have ever been to. I imagine it will probably be somewhat like a bachelorette shower/party? So instead of drinking out of penis straws we'll drink out of penis bottles? Everything will probably just be downsized, I bet Jade will wear a baby penis necklace and a baby testicle hat- oh I can already see the pics in her baby's first scrapbook! Thank God she is having a little boy or that could make for some awkward party favors. But such precious memories, although I bet she won't drink as much as she did at her bachelorette party, who knows though Jade loves a good "Woo Hoo" party. And what damage could really be done at this point, she said the baby is basically done growing, so really he's just chilling in his own little hot tub waiting for the big day when he's finally ready to pull the plug and head out into the real world. My only hope is that Jade doesn't get all weird and not let all of us in the delivery room for the big show, I'm hoping to tape the miracle and put it on Facebook, or at the very least get a few good still shots... Ooooh do I sense next year's Christmas card photo? I think I do!!

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Um Facebook WTF?

I'm not going to start panicking-yet, but what's going on with FACEBOOK?! Like omg.com I haven't been able to browse my mini feed for like 15 minutes. I need to know who is done with finals and on their way home for break and who is eating lunch with friends and who is working out and who is Christmas shopping and drinking lattes with their grandma! I am going nuts! Thank God for Twitter. I'm on Twitter, but I just can't get the hang of it so I don't usually tweet, but today I used it just to make sure other people weren't able to get into their Facebook, either. I mean so many times I wanted to post as my status "WTF FB?" But I forgot I couldn't. It's like when the electricity goes out during a storm and I continually try to turn on lights or pop popcorn. But back to my paranoia regarding if I was the only one kicked out of FB land. So a couple of weeks ago I may or may not have sent ol Zucky a copy of my manuscript for Facebook Girl. And I may or may not have included what I thought was just a friendly introduction letter to the "story" regarding my love for FB and my even bigger love for FB girls. I suppose I envisioned Mark giving each employee a copy for Christmas, I don't know, it would make a great coffee table book. Like I've said, when I get bored with life I tend to write random people/celebs random things. It's just what I do and since Chelsea Handler cut me off I moved onto a new person. Well the day after I sent my little package to Zucky addressed "Facebook Inc, Palo Alto, CA attn: Marky Zuckerbergy" I saw on the Today Show that some nasty kids made a fake profile page making fun of a sad little chubby girl. It was pretty awful, and not even creative in the least. The part that got me was when Meredith went on say that Facebook was seriously looking into this situation because harassment is something they simply do not tolerate and all accounts involved were immediately terminated. Not that my "book" is harassment, because it's not. And the posts from my "book" are all fictional. But... I still kind of went OH SHIT. Sadly, I didn't hear from Mark as fast as I thought I would, in fact, I haven't heard anything at all. So when I couldn't log in 30 minutes ago I was sure my FB life as I knew it was dead. And that was an awful feeling let me tell ya. Especially with Christmas right around the corner. And even worse SPRING BREAK! I can't imagine a spring break season without the novelty of being able to creep on college photos. But I am relieved beyond words to say that I just did log in. That was a close one! Who knows what all I missed from those 25 minutes? I'll never get that time back. I guess on a brighter note I finished work today for the next three weeks. It feels so nice to be in the warm embrace of Christmas break. I've missed you, you little hooker. And I even ended the day on a good note speaking to a bunch of 8th graders. Talk about a motivated group, it was great. They were polite and excited and were all seconds away from getting my autograph certain I am going to be the next Iron Chef. It was adorable. So I guess I don't have much to complain about, even if Zucky didn't find my Facebook novella charming and humerous and call me the second he got it to ask how much it would cost to purchase the rights to it. I don't have to talk to high schoolers for another three weeks and my FB account is alive and thriving. The world is in check.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

The Christmas Letter that Wasn't

Topeker Etiquette

The Do's and Don'ts of the Holiday Season

DO embrace this wonderful time of year, and all the fun that goes with it,

But DON'T think you're full decorated, until there is a Santa snowglobe in the yard, fully lit.

DO all of your Christmas shopping at the great stores around,

Wal Mart, Sam's and Big Lots DON'T ever let you down.

DO take a night out to treat yourself to some of the best Peker eats,

Red Lobster, Spangles, or even Applebees, just DON'T forget to call ahead if you want a good seat.

DO dig in your closets for that old Starter Jacket- collegiate or Pro,

Topekans DON'T seem to care these went out about 15 years ago.

DO invest in a few Roca Wear velour suits,

But DON'T step outside without the matching yellow, workman boots.

DO realize tacky purple light decorations are a must,

So DON'T get fussy when the neighbors spell out on their roof "K State or Bust."

And DO be polite when the locals see you dressed in red Husker gear,

DON'T get snotty when they chuckle and poke, "yer a Husker? Well dat ain't gon fly 'round herre."

Most importantly, DO cherish this holiday season with friends and loved ones around,

Of course I only mean loved ones (Chris & Harlow) as I DON'T have any friends in this town.

Merry Christmas Topeker! God love ya!

Friday, December 10, 2010

Lets hear it for New York

Oh what a fun filled trip I am in for this weekend. I am accompanying my mom and nine senior girls from the high school dance team she sponsors to New York City. I just love high schoolers so much I wanted to take a vacation with them, I'm pretty sure this is the largest group I've traveled with.... Well... probably since the last time I travelled with the dance team when I was on it- before I quit. For some reason I didn't get along so well with teenage dancer girls when I was in high school, I still don't know why?

So the trip began officially at 5:00 a.m. this morning as we all made our way to the airport dressed in baggy sweat pants and Ugg boots, I'm really trying to embrace the high school culture this weekend so I made a mental note to buy sweats that can be tucked into my riding boots so I don't look so over dressed. Given the fact that we're all registered under my mom's name we had to check in together, at least this is what we said to the nasty people in line behind us who got quite grumpy as our group grew larger and larger as each girl arrived.

"you know you guys can't just cut the line, you don't need to check in together." -The Snatches

"No, we do, were all under one name."
-our crew

"well then we have to go ahead of you. We have a plane to catch." -Snatches.

You do? Well that's weird, we're here for the breakfast and ambience.

We let them go ahead, I mean it wasn't a huge deal but they continued to bitch and moan the entire time, glaring our direction. I told them happy holidays as we crossed paths, judging by their matching Asics and fanny packs I could only assume they don't travel much and were simply nervous about making sure they were in time to catch their flight to Reno. Who can blame them, expedia doesn't do well with refunds and Super 8 gets super snotty if you check in late.

So we've arrived at our hotel on Park Avenue, via stretch limo I might add, all that was missing was some cocaine and Charlie Sheen and the chic 90's movie would have been complete. I'm staying in a room with my mom and two eighteen year olds, I can't wait to stay up late with them and whisper and giggle about boys and beer. I've got a lot of insight I can't wait to share. Although, truthfully I know these girls probably drink way more than I do now. Maybe I'll look through their suitcases tonight to see if they have any booze I can steal.

So now the girlys are changing into their fancy boots and jeans and I'm sitting in the lobby dreaming about going to Saturday Night live tomorrow. I have a weird good feeling I'm going to meet my idols Kristin Wiig and Bill Hader and convince them they need to hire me to write the Weekend Update. I'm keeping my fingers crossed. Well I think I can hear the clitter clatter of the team split leaping and sashaying their way down the stairs. That means its time to put on my chaperon face and say things like, "that rocks!" and "totally awesome!" Time to shop and look for SJP, I'm glad it's cold because if Parker's out and about she'll probably be in a big coat which will make her easier to spot. I've heard in the summer no one ever sees her because she literally is almost invisible when she turns to the side, you have to catch her at just the perfect angle to see that she is in fact there.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Something New

So in preparation of my upcoming trip to New York for the weekend I figured it would only make sense if I watched Home Alone 2 last night, thanks Fox Family by the way for graciously showing 25 days of Christmas movies. I don’t know why this movie isn’t played even half as much as the original, I think it’s one of the few sequels in the movie world that is just about as good as the first. I mean how could it not be, it’s basically the exact same plot only in a different city. I half wonder if the same script and scene directions were even used just with a few very minor changes and the addition of some new characters. Scary old shovel man died so they brought in Susan Boyle to play bird woman to save the day. Kevin really has a soft spot for the social outcasts, I think that’s what I like about him. Not a lot of 12 year old boys I know would think to befriend a homeless bird lady in New York City, then again, not a lot of 12 year old boys would be able to pull off the kind of incredible shenanigans Kevin does, either. I feel like if I tried to give a homeless person covered in bird shit a bird Christmas tree ornament they would probably just think I was being a little smart ass. Who knows though, Susan certainly liked it. I sure hope Duncan’s Toy Shop is still around in the big apple, I’d love to check it out for myself.

As part of my pre Christmas regimen I am only allowed to listen to Christmas music right now. But this isn’t hard to do, I could listen to NSYNC and Hanson Christmas all year round. And of course Mariah too, you just can’t beat All I Want For Christmas Is You. There are a few times when I happen to come across a song that I think was probably made during a time when America was really struggling in the music department. For example, I’d like to know what inspired someone to write a song about wanting a Hippopotamus? I just can’t see that selling today. Did this little girl actually want a hippo for Christmas? We know she didn’t want a rhinoceros, she made that clear, but a hippo, really? The other song that makes me wonder is the Jackson Five singing “I saw Mama Kissing Santa Clause.” I legitmately get nervous when little Michael (RIP) starts singing at the end “I saw her, I did, I did, and I’m gonna tell daddy,” I just can’t help but think oh God Michael, don’t do it, don’t tell dad you saw mom kissing an older white man because it’s not just your mom who will get beat, he will beat all of you kids, as well. I know that sounds silly, but it’s truthfully all I can think about during that song, so I usually have to change it.

I just can’t believe it’s already December 8th, Christmas is coming too fast as usual. I haven’t even had a single Hot Carl for the season, that’s not good. And December 8th also means it’s a certain little girl’s birthday in Jacksonville, Florida. So yes, happy birthday Shaniqua!! Oh, and of course it’s Tyeler Godbout’s birthday, as well. Yup, little Tye is growing up, twenty four years old today. Seems like it was just yesterday she was turning 21 and couldn’t even go out on an her actual birthday night because she was so hungover from the five shots she took the night before. This will be her last birthday as a single woman before she becomes Mrs. Zach Potter # 98. I’ve already ordered her a gorgeous gold chain necklace with a #98 charm, I can’t wait to give it to her on their big day! I’m hoping it will be her “something new.” Until then, happy birthday Tyeler Doru Godbout. I hope you have the birthday feeling.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

One Man Wolf Pack

So today was kinda weird. About half way to the school I was working at, I realized that I had forgotten to grab my chefs coat on my way out. My first thought was to turn around, but I was already 35 minutes away and couldn't afford to miss the first class because that would set me back a day later for when I get to start my Christmas break, and I need at least a full three weeks off, at the very least. So then I had to stop and think what t shirt it was that I had on under my North Face. As I've mentioned before I usually get ready in the dark in less than seven to eight minutes. Was I wearing the standard blank white shirt we are supposed to wear under our coats? Of course not. No, on this specific day I just happened to grab the shirt my mom purchased for me in an airport somewhere featuring a picture of Zach Galifianakis and a wolf howling at the moon with the words "One Man Wolf Pack." I kid you not, I am looking at the shirt right now so that I can paint you an accurate picture of what I looked like today giving a presentation in front of thirty high school kids. When I first told the teacher that I had accidentally forgotten my chefs coat she was really nice about it and told me it wasn't a big deal. But then as I was setting up and it was time to take off my jacket I saw her eye my shirt with a weird expression. It wasn't necessarily a bad look, it was more like a "huh, interesting shirt choice to wear to work" look. So I got all studdery and nervous and tried to explain myself,

"Oh ya, this is a weird shirt I know, it's just, well you know my last name is Wolfe, and um, I gave a speech about wolves, I mean the wolf pack, at my sister's wedding, not because I love the Hangover, but it's my name, and so ya my mom got this shirt for me in an airport..."

I sounded like an idiot because no matter how I tried to explain myself it just wasn't coming out right. Then it got even more awkward because I could tell the teacher started to feel sorry for me because she gave me that sweet teacher look you see used with the insecure chubby girls when they're dressed in bad outfits. I felt like she thought the only clothes I could afford were souvenirs purchased for me in airport shops. I asked if she wouldn't mind borrowing me an apron to wear while I demonstrated, I thought this would at least make me look like a chef a little bit. The only apron she had that was clean (or so she said) was a country checkered red and black thing with cooking chickens on it. So now I thought she was the odd one. But it was going to have to work. I put the apron on and didn't think it looked that bad, until I looked closer and noticed that just above the chicken's head toward the top of the apron you could see the wolf's head peaking out from under my shirt. So through four presentations, seeing over 80 different high school kids, I stood in a chicken apron and a wolf shirt and preached about the skills and technique involved with fruit carving and cake decorating. Like I said, today was a weird day.

To unwind from the stress of the t shirt fiasco I decided to come home and hang up a few more Christmas lights outside. The sonofabitch below me waited a few days after me to decorate his patio just so he could outdo my light presentation. Nice try. I bought a few more strands to hang above the railing just to add a little flare. So I was attempting to hang the above lights while standing on a folding lawn chair, not the best idea I know, but I'm incredibly lazy and chose to use the closer outdoor chair rather than walking five steps inside to get a kitchen stool. Naturally, the chair started to collapse, so I started to fall. My options were either to fall onto the grill, or fall one story down onto the ground. Had I been thinking clearly in that split second I would have chosen the ground which would hopefully have landed me in an arm cast which would make chopping and dicing pretty difficult so I couldn't have been able to work. It would have been so Home Alone of me to break my arm while hanging Christmas lights. A broken arm over Christmas break as an eight year is like a death sentence, but as a 23 year old, I think exactly the opposite. You can't help clean with a broken arm, or wash dishes, you probably can't even go to church I bet. But instead, I already have a huge bruise forming on my back thigh and two unbroken arms.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

The Long Ride Home

To all of you enduring a ten hour, painful hungover drive today, I salute. I say kudos to all of you and your dedication. So what if we lost. It happens. You were there, that's all that matters. Ten years from now do you think anyone will even remember Nebraska's final game in the big 12 against our biggest competitor OU? Well, perhaps. But I have a good feeling many good memories were made last night in that sleepy little town of Arlington. Big 12 memories that won't happen again. So as you sit in the back seat with a pounding headache and an un-quenching dry throat as Lady Gaga plays in the background because you are all too hungover to even change the song and you're craving more french fries and Doritos even though you just had pizza ten minutes ago, remember that it was all worth it. You can't put a price on Husker fun. Sure, I might have been pretty comfy on my couch last night sitting in sweats with a glass of wine, but my comfort also quickly diminished as I am ashamed to admit I became a bit caught up in FB. I shouldn't have, I realize this, but I just couldn't help myself from getting all riled up reading douche statuses. I don't really mind the fans with broken hearts who were taking their pain out on Taylor, "leave T Magic," "We don't want you here anyway you pansy," ext and ext, it was obvious these people were just a tad bitter, like when a girl claims she is happy her boyfriend is dating the hotter, skinnier girl from the sorority next store. They're just desperate and sad, like I said, it happens. Here's what I do mind, all the ignorant Nebrasky's posting things such as, "haha like I said the Huskers and their coaches suck, they finally proved it," or "whoever said Huskers have the best fans doesn't know anything, Husker fans are such a joke," even a few, "glad the Huskers lost I could care less smiles, giggles, hugs." Where do I even begin... I shouldn't begin, really, because it's over. It is what it is. I guess what bothers me about all of these, I'll borrow a word from Fb Girl "haters" is the fact that they are so vindictive and resentful about a team they claim to "not care about." Why all of the evil then I ask? This would be like me going off about ... Um... Kelly Clarkson? I don't know she is the only celeb that popped to mind who I could really care less about. Everybody knows spouting really mean or really good things simply means you are passionate about that subject for one reason or another. It's like me and Amber for example. I only hate Amber because I worry so for little Leah. I only hate April because I have so much love for Catelynn and Butch. So to all of you angry little people on Facebook last night I just ask that you allow a little more love into your heart and little less hate, don't be so angry that your JuCo didn't have a football team. You didn't have to go to UNL to be a great fan, don't you know that? Huskers accept all fans, ignorant and smart, cute and ugly. So next time you're sitting on your hand-me-down corduroy couch pretending not to watch the Husker game sipping on Busch Light waiting for your high school girlfriend to come over, Facebooking on your 2006 Pearl Blackberry writing mean things, just don't. Go put on some nice Hollister jeans, a good looking Aeropostale polo and head to any close by bar without a cover and just try to embrace the Husker culture. You know you want to. Whenever you're ready we'll be waiting. Maybe you'll even meet a friend willing to take you to your first Husker game next season.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

The Christmas Letter

How did we used to celebrate Christmas without Facebook? Would we email pictures of our Christmas trees to each other/people we don't know? I mean what's the point of decorating your house if you're not going to put at least twenty photos of it on Facebook? It just seems silly, huh?Did we just text each other a play by play of every single Christmas cookie we were making along with photos of the dough, baking accessories and finished product? That just seems so dull! There simply isn't a better way of spreading holiday cheer than mobile uploads. Which brings me to my next point. Christmas cards... Isn't Facebook the 24 hour Christmas card really? I worry status updates and photo albums have completely ruined the notion of sending out an old fashioned brag-about yourself and family- Christmas letter. Anything worthy of being written in a letter to the long lost relatives and friends across the country has already been posted on Facebook- with at least five pictures and captions. And thanks to FB we are not only friends with these relatives we've only spoken to once at wedding ten years ago in Colorado, we are also friends with their relatives, and their friends, and their relatives, I mean I'm not, but as I've mentioned before that has more to do with my non-alcohol drinking relatives and their judgmental eyes. But that's neither here nor there. But I really mean it's all there, because the problem certainly isn't here. So as I was scrolling through posts today, every other either being a, "GBR I'm in Dallas woo hoo for me," or a "Look at my amazing Christmas tree," I started to think a. I wonder how I missed the memo that everyone was going to Dallas and b. I should write a Christmas letter about things I haven't shared on FB. Since I couldn't do anything about Dallas, I went for the second option and sat down and wrote a really heart felt Christmas letter, I thought anyway. But when I read it out loud to Chris he wasn't exactly happy about it. Apparently, he thought it was not a Christmas letter, but a "bash Topeker letter." This caught me completely off guard. I thought it was very sweet and painted Peker in a very unique light. I was really hoping to share this letter today but Chris rather I don't. So sadly, I am not going to. I mean for now. I think he'll warm up to it after awhile. Just today for example after we had purchased a very classy artificial tree from Wal Mart we were walking outside and were nearly ran over by an old beat up Chevy with a bumper sticker that read "I'd rather be drinking, oh wait I am," blaring rap music, occupied by two fat white women smoking fat cigs, with a back seat full of oreo babies all under the age of three, I turned to Chris and said,

"can you seriously still object to my Christmas letter?"

He agreed and we both shared a chuckle. So like I said, after a while he will probably warm up to the idea and allow me to send it out with our Christmas picture which features Chris, Harlow and I fully clad in Husker attire. We were inspired by a Wolfe extended family picture a la 1992 in which my grandma insisted our entire family get professional photos taken in Husker gear- sweatshirts, turtle necks, vests, it all went. Man, talk about a good looking Narfuck family.
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