Monday, January 31, 2011

Bachelor Edition- Why hasn't Brad just chosen Em already?

First of all, I'd like to start by saying BITCH shut yo mouth. I know that sounds ghetto, but that's how I'm feeling after seeing that one ho whine all night about Em Em getting all the attention. Well guess what skank, deal with it. I'm sorry you don't feel "special," actually I'm not sorry. I don't feel sorry for you one bit. I feel sorry for Em and all the pain that poor little angel has been through in her life. Are you seriously gonna complain that she's getting too much attention because "she has the most problems?" You're jealous of the fact that God took her wonderful Ricky way too early in life and then left a little 19 year old Emily pregnant with her deceased fiance's baby to carry for nine months? Would going through all of that make you feel SPECIAL, Alli?!

But let's move on because I get too heated thinking about someone picking on Emily. Let's talk about a lighter subject, like perhaps the fact that Chris Harrison appeared to have gone shopping through Cam's closet again. Cam as in the gay fat man from Modern Family. Anyone else notice the pin stripe shirt with the froo froo designs on the cuffs? It had Modern Family written all over it.

Next up... It's Vegas time! I can't think of the last time I've been told news that actually made me jump up and down. I don't know if any news has ever made me jump and down. It seems to happen to these girls every episode. Watching the group travel together and skip and frolick through airports made me very embarassed for them. Imagine traveling with a pack of energetic weird girls you don't really know. I'm sure people were just pointing and saying, "oh look it's the girls from the Bachelor." That just strikes me as incredibly humiliating. It's basically like saying "oh look, it's the desperate girls who go on reality shows to try to find a boyfriend."

So next up Chantal gets to go on a shopping spree. So... Brad chooses the funeral girl from a small town who is frequently seen in cowboy boots and tacky sweaters to purchase new clothes for? Well that was nice. I especially liked the bedazzled, feathery sweater she got. I would bet that in her profession she can probably wear whatever she wants to work. I would tend to say nothing would stir her customers too much. And what a great way to end the date "with a bang" when the fireworks went off. That was so awesome! I especially think it was cute when it became evident that this was the first time many of the girls had seen fireworks before the way they all pressed their faces to the windows and... once again jumped up and down with excitment.

And now to the Nascar date. Classy touch, ABC. If I'm correct, I believe I actually "joked" about the idea of going on a Nascar date a few weeks ago. First ABC set up that Emily would go on a plane ride with Brad, this week it was a Nascar date, and is next week going to be the plane crash ride I joked about, as well? Or maybe Brad will knock her up. Anything for ratings, eh? Well it makes me sick. Because had it been any other girl you know damn well they would have been milking their sad siutation to the nines. But not Em. She wasn't even going to say a word. Even as she is balling in the racecar she says, "no, no I am excited, let's do this." She is just a doll, I think everyone should be more like her. And that nasty black haired wench Alli needs to be ran over or beaten with a stick. Something to make sure she feels "special" afterward.

So the rose ceremony was pretty much same ol same ol. Michelle displayed her crazy devil side again and told Brad he couldn't talk or she would boil a rabbit and kill his mom. Awful Alli got her way and was given a chocolate to make sure she felt special. Chantal wore a dress that I would expect someone with the name Chantal to wear. Britt the anorexic from South Sioux who doesn't talk some how managed to get another rose. Jackie the lizard also slipped by for another week. And the usual dark haired girls no one knows were sent home in tears. Shocker. They all cried in the confessional and said really original things like,

"I guess I just really wanted a rose." Really?

"Just makes me question everything." You should, you're how old and still single?

"I just feel really rejected again." Yeah, because you were.

"I just put myself out there again, and for no one." Not really, you put yourself out there for all of America to see.

"I just left so much behind to come here in hopes of love." I'm gonna guess your job at Dillards will still be there, so will your DVR.

"I just have so much to give, when will I find someone ready to accept it?" Honestly? Maybe never.

Topekeasy.

And so today brings another snow day. What to do, what to do... I was really quite pleased with the turn of events regarding the weather actually, as it's been a few days since I've been able to have the leisurely mornings I so enjoy. Ever since becoming an aunt my life has just been thrown into whirlwind, I just don't think anyone really prepares you for how your life is going to change. One day I'm nothing and suddenly the next day I have a nephew to think about and go shopping for and post pictures of.

Naturally, Chris and I made the trip back to Omaha yet again last weekend. But not until Saturday. On Friday night Chris took me out to a pretty fancy italian restaurant we had never been to in Peker, it was a real classy place. The food was good, the drinks were cheap, it was all around a really good night. So what if the man at the table next to us had taken off his wife's Reebok and was massaging her foot on top of his lap. It was sweet. We weren't even that bothered by the fact her foot smelled like a "ski boot," as Chris put it. If you put your napkin up to your notice you could hardly notice the stench. If Topekans are good at anything it's making themselves completely comfortable in a public place. I personally love it. Farting, burping, taking shoes off, it's all accepted.

So Saturday was the first time Buncle Chris was finally able to meet Knox (thanks again Lindsey for the word Buncle) so the trip simply wasn't debatable. I should have known better than to pose in pictures next to a baby when suffering from WUD. Not only do I look like a giant, but Knox, the lucky little guy, has an awesome case of jaundice right now so his color looks amazing. He looks like he's been in Cabo for the last week, I was so jeal. I wish I could get jaundice right now. I think that should be an option in the spray tan bed, rather than just the levels of natural, bronzed, and dark, I would like to see the option of jaundice in there too because I would totally choose it.

I have taken full advantage of my snow day and have caught up on the numerous shows I have been missing since becoming an aunt. Once again, I started the bachelor but was unable to finish it. I'm not sure why it can't keep my attention. I ended up spending the entire show googling little Emily Maynard. Turns out she is basically a billionaire, she lives close to Taylor Swift and she dated Dale Earnhardt for a little bit of time. Oh, and there is also a really sweet slideshow on youtube with sad music featuring pics of her and Ricky R.I.P., you should check it out. I did see the part when Michelle randomly wakes up with a black eye. She keeps saying,

"this would happen to me. Of course, only me."

So I kind of want to know why "this would happen to her." Does she commonly wake up with bruises on her face or broken bones in bizarre places? Like is this a normal occurrence? Or perhaps she's been on another reality show in which she woke up with a missing tooth or something? Why was she so expectant of this to happen?

And does Dr. Drew have a contract with all reality shows I wonder. Why is he always the doctor to console teen moms, or skanky moms of teen moms (cough cough April) or anorexic models. What's going on here? Is he really a doctor, or just like a doctor in the way the Dr. Phil is a doctor. Or Dr. Dre.

I'm thinking tonight is going to be a good night to watch the Bachelor. I can just tell I'm going to make myself be really into it.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Am I a Facebook Girl?

I'm getting nervous I'm turning into a Facebook girl. But I can't help it, this has just been such a great Fb week that I have been checking my status like every five minutes because I get jollies off of "likes" and "comments." I'm embarrassed to say I have even checked Jade's quite a bit this week, er... and my mom's... I checked Jordan's once but the poor guy hadn't had a post since December :(... But really, it's kind of sick, and also very addicting. I am starting to see how the illness sets in. Am I really that big of an attention whore that I post updates in order to get a few easy likes just so I can have that Facebook high. That little high that comes through on my phone saying I have a notification. Well that must mean someone likes me! Or likes my status, anyway. It's such a superficial high, and it never lasts long. And it usually just leaves me wanting more notifications. I feel so dirty after it's all done. I'm afraid I'm getting to the point where I will post anything just to get a comment or two. On the way to work today I almost posted a "Dear Friday, please get here," status. Luckily, I caught myself before I dare post such a Fb cliche. What's next? Am I going to start posting pics of Knox just for pure Facebook satisfaction? Am I going to be that aunt? "Missing my nephew- sad face sad face sad face!" Let's be real, I've met the kid for two hours. "Can't wait to see my favorite little guy in one day!" Like! Like! Like! "Knox just shit his diaper and it was adorable!" I am just starting to feel so out of control. The other day while I was waiting to go into a school... I'm almost took a self photo. On my phone. In my car!!! It was just a joke I told myself. But still. I think my obsession with creeping on FB girls is turning me into one. Although, Chris has told me many times I've always been a Fb girl and was just always in denial. Well if I'm a FB girl, my mom is for sure a Fb grandma. Sorry mom, I told you I would call you out at some point. I'm still not sure if she will remember January 24th as the day she became a grandma or the day she had 56 posts commenting on her pics. I'm kidding, I'm kidding. It will obviously be remembered for Facebook. We've got the rest of our lives to have birthdays for Knox. Who knows how long Facebook will be around. But what 2011 Grandma wouldn't love Facebook for bragging about their grandbaby pics? It's only natural. Relatives in Arizona saw the baby within minutes of it's birth. My crazy aunt who has never allowed anyone to see her children yet (I think they're five and six now?) was able to see Knox before he even opened his eyes. What's better than this kind of family connection?

Still, I thought very hard about possibly getting off FB for a bit just to kind of cleanse myself... But then I realized that wouldn't solve anything. Maybe Facebook is a good outlet for all of us to let our attention whorish side let loose, and so then in real life we can be a little more restricted. And if I'm a Fb skank then so are you. Why else do we post the most useless info that five years ago we would never have even told our dog, if not for that tiny possibility that someone out there is going to "like" it.(Someone besides Scott Wandzilak as he has over used his liking privileges.) It is what it is.

But just to clarify- a Facebook Girl isn't a Facebook Girl until that self taken- arm extended, pouty lip, booby pic appears on her page.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

It's a hard Knox life

Well, after a very long and painful delivery day, twelve hours to be exact, one very brave girl made it through it all, and with her head held high. And Jade did pretty good, as well. But I'm talking about me, because I really had a tough time. It was just a day of waiting and waiting and waiting, and some drinks at Kona for a few hours. Hospital waiting rooms can be quite boring. There was a computer in the waiting room, but creeping on a public computer just makes me feel weird. I always think the person I happen to be creeping on is somehow going to randomly appear behind me and catch me.

I didn't tell Jade this, but I was starting to question the character of my little nephew after about the 7th hour. I didn't want to make preconceived judgements or anything, but punctuality is very important to me. Especially on first impressions, no less. Finally when I had almost had enough because the pain medication (cocktails) seemed to be wearing off and I could no longer take the brutality (of waiting around) the chimes at the hospital rang "Twinkle twinkle" letting us know another baby had been born. A few moments later the new daddy, Bill, came strutting in to announce the good news.

At 8:47 p.m. Knox James Lafleur graced the world with his presence. And this arrival time made more sense to me after I thought about it because no one cool shows up to a party before 8:00 p.m. anyway, so of course I didn't hold any grudges. I was just jealous he thought of it before I did. He came out weighing 8 lbs, and was 21 inches in length... Chew on that thought for a minute... Ouch. Or don't. I was nervous to hold little Knox at first since I hadn't held a baby since about sixth grade. Was I supposed to sit down in a chair first I wondered? Or was I old enough to be able to hold him on my own? I quickly tried to recall how Macy would hold Beemer when he was an infant, but that was back in season one and all I could picture was Amber screaming swear words and painting on her brows while throwing gangsta signs. I panicked and got all nervous and confused and decided it would be best if I let my mom hold him and I would just rest my head underneath him, seemed like the safest option at this point.

The thing that I couldn't get over was the fact that just hours before, this living baby was actually inside of my sister, and now it was out and was a real life person. It was in the belly, then out. In, then out. Very similar to it's conception, but still the whole process is just so mind boggling to me. I think I'm going to be stuck on this whole birth thing for a while. Going right along the subject of birth is the subject of nursing. Did you know there are specific nurses just for this? I think they're called lactating nurses or something. They're sole job is to get a baby to suck on a nipple. Just another day at the office, squeezing boobs and taking names. NBD. Guess a sucky day for one of these nurses isn't... When it came time for the nursing coach to come in and instruct Jade I made the stupid decision to stay in the room. What can I say, I was curious. I've seen someone nurse before, but only on TV and Mama Duggar is pretty private, or when I was little and used to try to sneak glances at the over productive catholic women in church. The nurse dropped phrases "football breast position," and "stimulating the nipular area," and my favorite, "nipple sandwich." I didn't recall seeing that on the room service menu. But the funniest part was that the nurse would actually start emulating the baby's sucking movements. As the baby would start sucking, she too would start air sucking as if to push him along. Before I knew it I was air sucking too. It was a very special bonding moment for all in the room.

Today is the day that Knox had to get his little pecker snipped, the poor guy. I would tend to say this might be one of the hardest days in a man's life, it's a good thing it happens so early in. But Jade said he took it like a champ and was already back to strutting around in his baby robe hitting on all of the infant girls like it was no big deal. Apparently, a few of the little girls already saw the Nebraska Football blanket he was wearing around and were already trying to grab on. Skanky jersey chasers, so typical. What can you do though, it's a hard Knox life, and his is just getting started.

Monday, January 24, 2011

The Miracle of Life

I think adopting really is the way to go for some people. This way I could have the Samoan athletic giant I've always dreamed of. He would obviously be a world class football star and I would be his cute mom who would always look little and tiny standing next to him. I just don't think I could handle what is about to happen to Jade. She isn't even close to being done and I've already seen enough. She's hooked up to wires and tubes and has to walk around in a hospital gown pulling a wheely thing beside her. I'm not exactly too keen on the idea of tooting around in a public place dressed only in a hospital gown, I get shy just thinking about it. But I'm starting to realize delivering a baby leaves no place for modesty. The other thing that seems a little off to me is how the bathroom is right in the room so anytime Jade has to do any sort of bowl movement there's six of us in here who politely just sit and wait five feet from the bathroom door as she's doing her business. I feel like we should get the hell out of here or something. Although I'm still a little confused why she even bothers to get up to go to the bathroom because last time she got up I swear I caught a glimpse of a diaper under her gown. What this is for I have no idea... Maybe it's just like a safety net in case the baby happens to just slip out on it's own or something. Or I guess it could be there just in case the little guy starts tossing stuff down. There's nothing more tempting to a curious little kid than throwing stuff down a dark hole. I know I always loved the chance to toss a penny in a well when the opportunity arose. Maybe the baby is just trying to get a leg up on his luck. I suppose that would make sense. The other thing I caught wind of which I wish I hadn't was when the nurse was telling her about the epidural. Eeeeeek. Talk about a catch 22. So you can either take a needle the size of a baseball bat right in your spine and not feel labor, or you can pass on the needle and instead feel the "miracle" of pushing a grapefuit out of an olive hole. Where is the option of putting on the gas mask you get at the dentist and being able to just laugh your way through the whole thing because it feels like you're spinning in the chair while the ceiling tiles are floating like clouds and you can see your fingers leave a trail of air behind them when you flutter them in front of your face. I would choose that option. Next on the list for Jade's day of fun was when the nurse had her get on all fours so she could feel where her contractions are. But I couldn't help but think that this was probably exactly how she got herself into this mess. And cue drummer, ba da da.

Well pretty soon here we're going to take a break to go to Jade's house to let the dogs out. Whoo whoo whoo whoo. I've been a naughty aunt and have been singing "We are Siamese if you please," all day to Mischa like the snotty cats from the movie Lady and the Tramp. But I stopped eventually because I could tell Misch was getting pretty upset, she knows something is up so I sat down and had a talk with her to make sure she knows she's not being replaced, she's just getting a little brother to play with.

I'll keep ya posted through out this entire miracle.

Friday, January 21, 2011

Douche Bread

Well I took Harlow to the vet yesterday to get another round of puppy shots. Turns out he has a yeast infection in his ear. So last month it was a UTI, this month it's a yeast infection. What's next? HPV? Chlamydia? I'm starting to wonder if we adopted a puppy or a slutty middle aged woman. All these little infections are getting expensive, it's ridiculous. And getting a puppy to stay still to put in ear drops is next to impossible. I've never been an ear drop kinda person, when we were little we weren't allowed to have ear infections. Trips to the doctor were few and far between. I only recall going when times were absolutely desperate, like when the tumor in my toe was just about to break through the skin, I was allowed to go then. And the same with the cist in my chin, when my chin starting hanging to about mid neck my parents finally gave me the go ahead. But anyway, back to ear drops, I'm not sure if there is a technique I should be using to put them in, or if there is some sort of trick, but every time I've tried to put the drop in it seems like the entire thng just runs right down his neck. Every time Harlow costs me more money, or does something gross like puke up his entire bowl of dog food, I can't help but think of how everything must be multiplied with a baby. I'll know I'm ready to have a baby when I'm either a millionaire, or when dog eye goop stops grossing me out. It's a complete toss up which will come first.

So today was my second day of work this week. It was another doozy. The kids were okay, could have been a lot worse being that it's a Friday and yesterday they had a snow day. I was lucky because the good popular kids and the bad popular kids were just about even in every class so they were keeping each other in check. The good popular kids are the cool kids who I assume know they are cool, have always been cool, and are most likely born to cool parents. They're polite, don't cause too much trouble, and understand what is socially acceptable. The bad popular kids are the ones who have either just become cool, aren't sure if they are cool, or they're just worried shit less they're about to become uncool. You can spot these insecure assholes a mile away. They're always looking around for someone to make fun of, or making sure they're not being made fun of. They really are a bad breed. They're the loud ones who say the same joke at least twice, sometimes three times, making sure everyone hears. I heard the same old joke today regarding the salad I'm making (a Fattoush) sounds like douche, from jokester in the front,

"Did you just say douche? You're making a douche bread salad?"

First his table laughed, so he repeated it again, the next table laughed, just for good measure he says it one more time at which point I couldn't help but reply,

"Yeah thanks, we got it. We acctually got it is the first two times you said it, but good joke. Real original."

I don't know why more teachers don't use sarcasm in class. It seems to shut up kids better than anything else I have seen.

So after I finished with the Douche Bread salad I literally ran out to my car jumping with joy it's the weekend. I don't care if I've only worked two days this week, a Friday is still a Friday. It's like in college when class would get cancelled on a Thursday for a snow day and I would be ecstatic, didn't matter that I didn't have class on Thursdays, it was still exciting. So now as soon as pokey jo Chris is done primping we are on the road to Omaha for the weekend. After last weekend I swore I wouldn't drink again for a month. I made it until Wednesday. But drinking alone and drinking with friends and an entirely different thing. I have to take advantage when I get the chance to drink with someone other than Harlow. So cheers to TGIF.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Bachelorish

I am just now starting to be not hung-over from this past weekend. I don't know what my problem is, it was only two nights of drinking after all. But this whole week I've felt like I just got home from spring break. Luckily, I've only had to work one day this week, and given that tomorrow will most likely be another snow day I will only have Friday to work and then it's the weekend. I just keep thinking about the Jersey Shore kids and how they drink like idiots for fifty days straight. I'm starting to think that maybe their job isn't as easy as it looks, being drunk 24/7 would actually be a pretty hard task. Just from my two days of fist pumping and taking shots and getting into girl fights I've been beyond warn out. I just wonder how on earth Snooki found time to write a book while she was so busy drinking all the time? She must just be very talented. I know I can't wait to read "A Shore Thing," I'm hoping it comes in the mail from Amazon any day now! It's probably going to be one of those books you just can't put down so I'm going to make sure and read it when I know I will have a lot of time so I can really get into it.

I attempted to watch the Bachelor yesterday but I just kept falling asleep during it. From what I've gathered it was the Emily and Michelle show. Michelle and Brad had their "first fight'? Did I dream that, or was Michelle really getting angry at Brad for kissing other girls? She does realize that this isn't the Bachelorette, right? I'm pretty sure Michelle the hair dresser is probably just as crazy as Michelle the devil from the Bachelor season before this one. I can't even remember the guy's name? I know he chose a girl named Vienna, but what was his name? Oh that's right, his name was Gia. But anywho, on that season there was a coo coo Michelle, as well. And Emily? What can be said about this heavenly little girl? I love everything about her. I want to be like her. Or at least have her teeth and her sweet little accent. And if you ask me I think the producers should have enlightened Brad of her little dead fiance situation so maybe she wouldn't have had to go on a plane ride as their first date. It just didn't seem right. And then to have them drive Nascars even? Eek. But the real salt on the wound was the airplane crash simulation ride he took her on at the end of the night, way too much. Have a little respect, ABC. Chris Harrison has such a sick sense of humour. I was a little sad to see Madison Twilight go home. I started to like her in the end. I never understand what those girls are thinking when they "choose" to go home. There is always one from every season. Are they doing it to stand out? Or for attention? What's the deal here. I don't care if the Bachelor is a complete douche, which he always is, I sure as hell wouldn't just volunteer to leave a mansion in California where it appears you get to drink as much champagne as you like, have a fully stocked fridge all the time, lay out all day and just work out occasionally. The only requirement seems to be that you talk shit about your roommates. Throw in an overweight female cook named Marge and you've got yourselves a sorority house. Chris Harrison is the house mom, no wonder he is always creeping around and suddenly disappearing for days on end. I'm on to something here, I'm starting to figure out why sorority girls love this show. Each week someone gets kicked off (out) for doing or saying something dumb (getting too drunk), there is always a really pretty girl who everyone hates, and the biggest highlight of their week is when they get to put on fancy gowns and get buzzed.

Overall, this episode was rated BOOORING. Spare me Brad singing "Kissed Like a Rose," next time please. I would have thought that with a country singer name like Brad Womack he would have been much better. And Seal? Really? Singing on the Bachelor? Is Heidi at home laughing at you at this very second? Because I would be. Did Jason Mraz flake out? Katy Perry too busy? The cast of Glee say hell no? I think I just expected more from someone like Seal, and I've got not justification as to why.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Tye's Bachelorette Party- never have I ever...had so much fun.

Had last night not ended with one of Tye's high school friends' telling me she wanted to punch me in the face, I'd have to say it was one helluva weekend. You get in one little debacle with a one legged man because he just beat you in a dance off and suddenly your about to get hit. It happens to the best of us I guess. But I'll get into this more in a bit.

Friday night went exactly as I hoped, we were loud, obnoxious and toasted almost every drink to make sure everyone within ear shot could hear how fun we are. As expected we jumped on stage at the piano bar and danced until they politely told us to get down. And Tye looked like the classy little bride that she is when they sang "Like a Virgin" to her as she rolled around on top of the piano. It was too adorable. All was going so good until we decided to head across the street to the Irish bar. Kate and I were so excited that we began running and clicking our heels together in the air claiming they were our "Irish jumps" when my phone slid out of my pocket and shattered on the pavement. Kate's phone must have slid out as well around this time but she was so concentrated on perfecting her Irish jumps that she didn't stop to notice until the next morning when it was far too late.

Naturally, day two began very hungover and hazy. The common morning questions were asked: where is my debit card? Why does my phone screen look like a spider web? What is this bruise from? Why are Tye, Ash, Kate and I all sleeping in one bed? Did the taxi driver really have me prank call his brother? Is this pizza or blood? And the dreaded, can you call my phone I think it's lost... Sorry Kate. We cured the haziness with beer and french fries. It would have been a delightul lunch if the idiot stranger I asked to take our photo wouldn't have dropped my camera and broke it. Add it to the tab- phone: $350 + camera:$200. Wonderful. Luckily, my bad mood was about to diminish as the real bachelorette festivities were almost ready to begin.

Last night it was like I had died and gone to Bachelorette heaven. The night was a cliché beyond my wildest dreams. Penis squirt guns, penis jello shots, penis straws, penis necklace, penis cupcakes, and I nearly teared up when Tye put on her penis veil. She just looked so beautiful. I saw her mom and grandmother just glowing with pride. It was just one those moments they'll remember forever. We continued to play fun "get to know the couple" games, Tye opened present after present of gorgeous lingerie pieces and then we finished with a nice relaxing round of "who can put the condom on the twinkie the fastest." Like I said, there was no way a broken camera and phone could get me down when I was knee deep in Twinkie cream and condom latex.

We proceeded to have a great dinner downtown and Tye was even able to cross a few things off her scavenger hunt list. She found a very charming young man to walk her down the aisle, and then we even found a fun older couple who so graciously acted out their favorite sexual position on their table, they were a hoot. After dinner we went on to Tavern for drinks and dancing. This is when it started to get...interesting. We must have had "buy us shots" written on our foreheads because everybody seemed to want to do just that. We danced like idiots, screamed like a bachelorette party, and bopped around like we owned the place. When the Dirtybit song came on we screamed like it was the new year and then sang "I'm having the time of my life," at the tops of our lungs. Because we so obviously were. Next thing I know there is a guy dancing and moving behind us with crutches. He's pretty drunk and a little too forward, and with only one leg. I tell him that just because he has one leg doesn't mean he can be all touchy feely and grab girls he doesn't know. One thing leads to another and suddenly he's challenging me to a dance off. Not one to back down to competition, I accept the challenge. Crutches in tact, he's pretty smooth on his foot. I actually got a little timid after he showed his moves and decided to forfeit and let him go the victor. We settled with shots. Somewhere in between the shots and the dancing I might have made a joke or two with ol' Crutches (not at him) regarding the missing leg. It was something casual, I think I asked how Vietnam was. Or maybe I told him that I had a leg up on him. I don't know, doesn't matter. He laughed WITH me, I mean I figured this guy is pretty secure with his situation if he's challenging people to dance offs for God's sake. Well, someone heard my inappropriate jokes and got a little offended and decided I needed to be punched. Or at the very least say she wanted to. It was simply a misunderstanding is all, I truly meant no offense. I asked Crutches to come to my aid and prove we had become new best friends, but like any guy would, he just laughed at me and the situation at hand. He was actually enjoying it I think. Like I said he was a funny guy, really seemed to put his best foot forward...

Back at home in Topeker I am ready to sleep for the next 15 hours. This weekend really took it out of me. If the bachelorette party is an indicator of what the wedding will be like we are all in for a good time, hopefully with less penis decor. But either way I am still pumped.

Friday, January 14, 2011

Getting My Bachelorette On

What a lovely day this is. I awoke to the sun shining brightly on my face, little birds were chirping around my bed ready to help me take off my night gown, tiny mice were waiting in the bathroom to help brush my beautiful hair and then Chris was in the kitchen with scrambled eggs, a fruit plate and a mimosa ready to send me off to Tye's Bachelorette weekend in Denver. Couldn't get much better than this. But wait, what's that you said radio announcer? Taylor Swift and Jake Gyllenhaal are done? Because Jake dumped her? Well you don't say! What more could a girl ask for today? Did I mention I also just got my screenplay back from my editor, and with rave reviews I might add. I mean I don't want to brag or anything, I wasn't even going to mention I have an editor, but after she gave me compliments like "you are the most talented writer ever," and "I bet I know where you get this talent," and "you should thank your mom for all of her help she's given you with writing," how could I not brag? I really don't even think my mom was being bias when she gave me those compliments, she told me herself she was being completely honest. And moms don't lie when it comes to complimenting their children.

So now I am going to take this weekend to fully relax. Those two days back at work were pretty hard on me. I am just going to fully relish in this quality time I am so lucky enough to spend with my dear, dear friends. Because everything changes after someone gets married. Feels like it was just yesterday we were dancing on tables in Chicago for Jade's Bachelorette and now look at her. She gets a buzz off of Welchs Sparkling grape juice. And she can't even dance right now because it might make her water break. Or her placenta fall out. Or the after birth. Or the cork or something. I'm not really sure how it happens, but from what I've gathered, it's not going to be pretty. At first I wanted her to call me the minute she thought something was happening. But after a conversation with her yesterday I said it might be best if I waited a few days after the whole birthing thing before I came. I mean I get freaked out by a dirty napkin. I can't even fathom how many dirty napkins will be involved with this process. The more I think about childbirth the more it seems so ice aged to me. I mean how can we have video phone chats and free skype and scanners in an airport that can smell if you're a terrorist but we haven't figured out a more efficient and cleaner way to have a baby. I'm not going to go into detail, because I imagine most of you get the gist of it, but really, how can there not be a better way? I'm still not letting go of my dream that by time I have a baby it will be more like a hatching process. I've discussed this egg theory with Chris many times and he always comes back with the same response that then I would have to sit on that egg for nine months. To which point I respond I don't really care. I would gladly sit on an egg for nine months if it would mean avoiding pushing a watermelon out of somewhere a watermelon shouldn't be. I use this specific fruit because this is what Jade said it felt like the other day when she was having baby cramps or something. She said it felt like a watermelon was doing 180's inside of her. And then punching her insides with it's tiny fists. I added that punching part, but I bet she was thinking it. I just hope that watermelon doesn't come out this weekend while I'm gone. Because even though I say I don't want to see him all slimy and cone-headed I really do. I have a few words I'd like to share with him within his first hours out of the womb, just some things that need to be said while his mind is still fresh.

Enough baby talk, it's time to get my bachelorette on. We're talking obnoxious screaming and hugging and dancing and drinking and penis hats and ball straws and "Im getting married" sashes and naughty jello shots and gross penial bracelets. We're not coming home until all of Denver knows that Tyeler is getting married. We're a bachelorette party damn it so we better get a lot of attention! At piano bars we'll be the sloppy ones on the stage, Tye will belt karaoke, we'll cut lines, we'll dance in inappropriate places, but most importanty, we're going to act as if we're the first bachelorette party ever. Because from what I've gathered, that is the most essential part- that and raunchy scavenger hunts.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

SADs and WUDs

My Christmas break ended today. I had to pull out the old Chefs jacket and Chuck Taylor's and head into high school finally. It was rough. As if it isn't hard enough getting up in the morning, let's just throw in sub zero temps for the fun of it. I didn't get my nice leisurely morning of watching the Today Show and sipping on coffee like I've grown so accustomed to in the past 3 1/2 weeks. When I finally got up out of bed Harlow just stayed under the blankets and stared at me with a look of complete content, he was obviously happy to not have to get up. Then again, that look of "content" could have also been a look of satisfaction as he might have just been peeing in the bed at that moment. He doesn't exactly favor going outside to pee in this cold weather right now. He's gotten quite sneaky in the fact that now when he has to pee he simply just continues to casually stroll around the house while relieving himself. He doesn't stop or squat or anything, I think he has caught onto the fact that I catch him when he does this and he gets scolded and thrown outside into the blizzard. So now instead I'll just happen to look down at the carpet when it's too late because it appears someone has been practicing their alphabet with a squirt gun all over the floor. I really think one time he spelled out "sorry" with his urine, but I am not for sure. So anyway once I was finally up it was a real struggle to get ready. Although I hesitate to say "ready," as brushing my teeth and hair really seems more just like simple hygiene. But that's really all I could do today, I guess you could say "I couldn't wind myself up for the day," or even "take the dog for a walk." It's my damn SAD kicking into place, I'm a self diagnosed Seasonal Affective Disorder survivor. It's a hard disease to live with, but I am just thankful it is finally recognized as being a true disease. Now if only I could get a doctor to declare WUD as a disorder, as well. Winter Ugly Disorder really isn't something to be taken lightly. It's incredibly hard on the self esteem, and also the waistline. I think that if there were commercials on tv about WUD it would definitely make me feel better about my appearance, also perhaps give me an excuse for looking like shit all of the time.

"Recent photos tagged of you on Facebook got you feeling down? Do the jeans from fall not fit quite as well? Is your hair often mistaken for hay? Does your skin look like that of an Amish woman? These are all symptoms of W.U.D. If your nails are bitter, and your hang nails looked like they've been chewed by dogs, well then you could be suffereing from Winter Ugly Disorder. Don't wait until your legs actually morph into real alligator skin, see a doctor today. Because just think, for as much as you don't like seeing yourself look like shit, somebody out there does like seeing you look like shit. Don't give them that."

Clearly I haven't given it much thought, but I could see a commercial going something like that. Maybe the spokesperson could be like Hilary Duff or someone. I think she has WUD. Also Christina Ricci. Oh oh and Ali Fedowski. I'm just thinking out loud here.

Monday, January 10, 2011

Bach Edition #2: Brad's just looking to find his bestfriend is all.

And so we embark on another episode of the Bachelor.

Ashley H. is the lucky girl to get the first one on one date with Brad. What a gem this one is. I know that when I want to impress a guy I always choose an outfit that looks like something a infant baby girl might wear around her head. And I don't care what anybody says, the Rachel haircut will never go out of style- in the 90's. It might however go out in 2011, sorry Ash. But no worries, both of you have dads' with addiction and departure issues, which obviously means you will be a match made in heaven according to Bradsley.

And now on to a group date/public service announcement where the girls all get to act incredibly silly and try to win over Brad's attention, talk about a formula for fun! The girls' inner stars really got the chance to shine. Anorexic Britt was able to overcome her fears of being a "goody two-shoes" and strattle and makeout with Brad. Melissa, the lady who looks like she owns a tanning salon, or I should say manages, busted in on a scene and kissed Brad when she wasn't supposed to. But the big scandal centered around Birthday Girl Michelle, she stormed off when her silver chandalier earring got caught in her belly button and no one seemed to care. Luckily, the bday girl was able to get a little one on one time with Brad later in the night, but unfortunately I didn't hear a single word that was said because I was too distracted by the Navajo tree skirt hanging around her neck. But something good must have been said because the sneaky little bday girl got the coveted rose, and she also managed to get some time to ask him some very, VERY important questions:
Michelle: Starbucks or Coffee Bean?
Brad: Coffee Bean
Michelle: Same!

Michelle: What's always in your fridge?
Brad: Turkey, eggs and water.
Michelle:Ahh me too! I mean minus the turkey. And eggs. But usually water is always in my faucet.

Michelle: Would you rather breathe or not breathe?
Brad: Breathe.
Michelle: Okay, this is getting too weird.

Next up Brad takes Jackie out on a one on one for her "very own Pretty Woman experience." Did I think it was appropriate of Brad to sell Jackie out for sex to Jason Alexander for a few hours? No, probably not. But did he make up for it by buying her lots of pretty gifts? Of course!! But then Jackie kinda throws herself under the bus when she casually mentions to Brad that she's never had a boyfriend. Rut row... do I smell a lezzy? For now it doesn't matter, because it's time to dance! And just to clarify, dancing to a fast song soberly is awkward regardless, but toss in the fact there is only two of you on a huge stage and it's just that much more uncomfortable.

Norfolk blonde girl Emily just keeps getting cuter and cuter. I'm going to call it right now that she's going to be the one who gets the monumental "reunion with child" on an episode. Those are always my favorites, they take me back to a couple of years ago with that gypsy woman who wore the butterfly clips and beads on the Jason season. Emily also just has the cutest little accent, and sweet giggle, I feel like she for sure has the qualitites to be Hugh Hefner's next fiance. Naturally, I was overjoyed when little Em Em got the rose before the ceremony.

Tanning Salon Manager is the first to cry and use it to her advantage. As a guy, I mean if I were a guy, this would be reason enough not to ever be on this show. I would rather die than have to listen to bitchy, crying girls talk about why they are the "targeted one," and that they ate four slices of onion pizza. WTF? Who gives a shit that you ate pizza? What on earth does this have to do with anything? And then onto crying girl number two. Nothing says crazy like being the first girl to admit "I'm the one nobody seems to like and I don't know why..." Vienna, anyone?

And then just when I was about to have another bowl of cereal I saw Ali come out, so I didn't go grab that extra bowl. I know that sounds awful, but I couldn't help but notice she had the FGS going on, you know, the Fat Girl Stance, when the knees automatically angle inward toward each other.

Thankfully, at the rose ceremony Brad let's go of some dead weight.
1. Keltie- she gives us the standard boo who story. Nobody likes me, I am destined to be alone, I suck, blah blah blah. The whole time though, I was wondering if she was wearing a little Jewish hat on her head or if that was just a dark rooted poof?

2. Tanning Manager Melissa?- She looked rough after everything was said and done. If that's what 32 looks like I'm not so sure I wanna get to that point.

3. Raichel with an I- she seemed a bit more suited for a Jersey Shore-esk show anyway.

Well Brad made it through yet another episode without cracking his shell. But the target on his back will just continue to grow.

Snow day #1.. Let's hope for #2.

So I guess sometimes I don't mind working in high schools. Like today for example, when it's a snow day. And even last night when all the cocky college kids were boasting about not having to go back to school today (to which I wondered why they were going to go on the first day anyway?) and how they were all going to get drunk last night instead, I was able to read quite contently without a hint of jealousy knowing I would get to do the same thing. I mean except get drunk, getting drunk on a Sunday just sounds preposterous. Who would want to be hungover on a week day?!
But unlike college kids, I get paid to stay home today. So ha! Looks like the real world trumps the college world on this one, the score is now 1 to 5,897- college. If all goes according to my dream plan, I won't have to go back to work tomorrow either, which means I will be pretty close to having not worked for about a month.

And while I am relaxing and enjoying this great day off, Harlow on the other hand isn't. He is running hot laps around the kitchen like it's a race track. He has taken every toy from his toy box and dropped them all over the house. To which point I have picked every toy up and put it back, and so the cycle continues. He is barking and growling out the window at the new people moving in, I think it's because he saw their K State attire and he has become such a snot about other teams. I told him he better be nice because this could be our first shot at making friends in this town. But then I saw the girl bring in a hamster cage and I knew it wouldn't work out. I just can't take someone seriously who chooses to have a pet that is bred specifically for five years olds to learn responsibility on. It's just uncomfortable. And right when I was staring at this hampster cage being carted in Harlow just started to go nuts. I don't know if he saw the hamster, which I highly doubt because we are on the pent house level, but still he was causing such an alarm that the new neighbors looked up and saw me watching them. I probably looked like such a creep. I gave a half ass wave and instantly closed the blinds. I turned around to see that Harlow was really being a skank and had dumped his food all over the floor. I finally had to bring out the vacuum cleaner, he left me no choice. I haven't turned it on- yet. But it's presence is known, and sometimes that is enough for Harlow to behave.

Now tonight will be a real struggle between Chris and I regarding what to watch. He of course will insist on the Bachelor, but I want to watch the football game. I don't care what anyone says, a DVR'd game just isn't as good.

Friday, January 7, 2011

Chpt 16 Going to the Chapel... and I'm Gonna Update My Status

Something old, something new, something borrowed, and something Facebook blue.

It all begins with the status update "is engaged!" And with those two little words the congratulations begin to flood your wall. The girl who sat next to you your sophomore year of college in Geology gets to tell you how happy she is for you before even your grandma has the chance (unless grandma is on Facebook.) Within hours the entire engagement event is posted into an album. We get to see every sweet detail the fiancé planned, from clues hidden around the house to ending up in a party room with surprise! family and friends waiting to celebrate. It's all very sweet, sometimes when I'm looking through these albums I'll pour myself a glass of champagne to pretend I'm right there celebrating. But then I remember I don't even know the bride or the groom but just happened to land at their party after hours of creeping.

I blame Facebook for the rise of frantic young girls seeking an engagement- more specifically I mean frantic young single girls trying to find someone to date for 6-8months, so it won't be too soon when they announce they're engagement via Fb. Hell, I get tempted to get engaged based solely on the fact champagne is my most favorite drink ever. And then throw in the mass amount of wall attention the bride-to-be gets, we're talking more attention than a birthday even. You've got the well wishers who actually write stuff, but you've also got the jealous creepers who just creep hoping to get a few more details. Then there are parties for the bride every other week- oh, and the groom too, he gets to come, as well. And a pretty ring and presents and at least ten of her closest friends on their best behavior anxiously awaiting the wedding party to be announced. Doesn't sound too bad to me, either. But then I remember that marriage typically coincides with an engagement and a wedding so I am able to relax for a few years.

So after Facebook Girl has gone through years of torture and heartbreak, gradually her relationship status begins to change less and less. And finally it seems Fb girl's wishes are coming true, she has found the Affliction man of her dreams! But this doesn't come as a huge shock as we have seen a few posts from her regarding "ring shopping with my love..." and "princess cut or oval?" Not only does she not want a surprise engagement, she doesn't want the Facebook world to be surprised, either. I think that's very considerate.

As expected, her Facebook life becomes her Facebook wedding planning life. Facebook fills the role of wedding planner, "what flowers go good with a June wedding?" Mother of the braid,"my mom wants to wear a grey dress that I think looks creme, should I let her?" And even shrink, "I am so stressed right now, I just don't know what's right or not anymore!" How reassuring for the groom, he probably doesn't realize she's talking about napkin color.

Every step of the way it seems Facebook is there documenting it to the very last detail.

FbGirl: "So much to plan in so little time how am I going to do it?!"

Ah yes, I forget you are the first bride to ever plan a wedding.

FbGirl: "Got the church, reception hall and band booked. Happy to check the big things off! So far so good!"

Now just to find a groom...

FbGirl: "Trying on more dresses. Should I do ivory or white? Strap less or sleeves?Lace or flowers?"

Take photos of all of them and put them into an album and let all your Facebook friends vote on their favorite!

FbGirl: "Two weeks and counting until the big day. Hopefully all the planning pays off and we have the best wedding ever!"

Yes, I've heard it's all downhill after the Wedding.

FbGirl: "So excited! Just about to walk down the aisle!"

Quick! Send a mobile photo to Facebook with that exact caption!

Thursday, January 6, 2011

The Office Community

The inner dynamics of an actual office staff intrigue me so. I rarely get the chance to experience what it's like to have "co-workers" or even work in an actual "office setting," so when I get the opportunity, I try really hard to soak it all in. Twice a year we all come together (the inside staff and the outside staff) for a half time meeting to discuss numbers and such. I am not really a numbers kinda gal, so instead of paying attention to something I could care less about, I choose to take this time to study the individuals around me and their common office behavior.

As office meetings tend to start, we began with an ice breaker. Oh it was a fun one. We passed around a basket full of different questions. At random, we picked out a piece of paper from the basket and had to answer the in-depth question at hand.

"What's your favorite movie?" Office Space.

"If you had one super power what would it be?" To get the hell out of here.

"What is something unique or special about you?" I hate all of my coworkers. I guess that isn't too unique, though.

It became very evident that this game was much more fun for the people on the inside. Damn them and their inside jokes, it was quite rude. They would laugh at the most random things and follow it with something like,

"oh yah, that was like that time," or "don't bring that up," or even "I still can't get over that." Of course they didn't include the rest of us who had no idea what was going on.

Besides their snotty inside jokes, the game also made it clear that this office has many cliques. Cliques quite similar to what I see in high schools everyday. The cool adults still sit in the back, the insecure adults occupy the middle, and the dorks take the front. Not much seems to have changed in ten years, except of course the snotty popular girls appear to have gotten fatter, the douche bags just get douchier, but I am glad to report the dorks seem to get a lot happier with time. Each worker has their role. We've got negative Nancy sitting up front. She's the idea crusher. Doesn't matter how spectacular the notion might be, it's not going to work. Because they already tried it, or someone she knew tried it, or it's too expensive or it's not realistic, or it might require her to get up off her lazy ass to get something from her cube. Her motto is, "if it aint broke, don't fix it- because it's probably going to break soon and then what will we do because no idea will be able to fix it." After her we have Danny Tanner, the guy who won't quit talking just for the sake of talking. The convo is well and over but he still wants to take a walk down memory lane and bring some damn story up that is completely irrelevant. He's been waiting for this meeting since the day he got hired. Luckily, Dane Cook is going to cut him off from the back row with an awful joke. Think something along the lines, "that's what she said," and "I'm Ron Burgandy?" If you don't hear him the first time he is going to repeat himself over and over until Daria in the middle row mutters something snide under her breath. Daria isn't quite a dork, or necessarily that insecure, she's just too cool to be here. She probably hates things like Facebook and the Jersey Shore and loves the idea that Starbucks now serves alcohol so she will truly never have to step into a bar again. And of course we can't forget about Wonda "what if." What if this happens, or what if we tried this, or what if they said that, or what if I accidentally got my finger stuck in my car door and couldn't dial on a phone.

The real anomaly to me is the big boss man- the mayor of this office community if you will. He seems to encompass a little bit of everyone, which is good I suppose, you want a leader for all the people. He looks like a dork, but acts like a douche bag, and seems incredibly insecure. He pops in and out of the meeting whenever he pleases, I am sure he is tending to much more important business. He seems to strut like he's a big shot, but is constantly quickly looking over his shoulder to see if someone put a "kick me" sign on his ass. He tries to be motivational yet comes of condescending. Is he really an ass hole or do I just think this because I have a problem with authority?

He ends the meeting with a "is there anything else we need to cover?"

My eyes dart to Danny Tanner. If he says something one more damn time I am going to freak out, we've already attempted to end three times. I am already wearing my coat, my notebook is put away, my computer bag is sealed, I have nothing else I can pretend to shut at this time. Should I put on gloves or would that be too much? Danny must be distracted by a watch reflection or something because for once he doesn't say anything. The meeting finally ends and I am out as fast as possible.

And now just a few more hours until it's time for some fist pumping fun! Hopefully the new girl is as attractive and fun as Angelina, she's going to be a hard one to top!

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Bach Edition: Brad has changed. He has. We swear. He's different.

First things first. Brad is CUTE. Probably one of the better looking bachelors I have seen. All of those scenes of him in the beginning sitting in the rain crying and staring off into the distance absolutely broke my little reality heart. I am so thankful he found a therapist who told him that his dad being gone all of the time in his childhood is the reason he couldn't choose snatchy/bitter Dayanna so he is ready and able to be back on a reality show to give this crazy love thing another go. Hopefully this season we will all be able to know "the real Brad" that everyone has been searching for. Everyone including Brad. The Brad who loves to hang out with his nieces and play Princess. The Brad who runs without a shirt on. And the Brad who is no longer "the tough guy."

Let me do a quick run down of my first impression of some of the girls.

Here's what I have gathered. Half of the girls "don't know anything about him," and the other half "want to make sure you're ready for this." So half are incredibly insecure and want him to think he's starting from a clean slate and can abuse them as he pleases. The other half want him to know they "understand and don't judge him" they've got "crazy girl" written all over their bronzed face.

Ashley The Dentist girl. She guarantees fun! And she dances in softball sox and a tank top. What is more fun than that?! And watch out she's a HUGGER!!! But she's bubbly and cute and fun and fun and FUN!!!

Chantal. A classy name on a black girl, and oddly enough, just the opposite on a white girl. However, if someone would have told me that there is female car dealer on this show I probably would have guessed her name was one of two things, either Rhonda or Chantal. So good for her for finding her calling. And the whole slapping thing? Had her name been anything but Chantal I might have been surprised.

Madison. I feel cheap even talking about this freakshow. You want to be on True Blood, we get it. Take your talents elsewhere. Why do I have a feeling Chris Harrison had something to do with her getting a rose?

Meghan. Old Mother Hubbard lived in a nasty pink wedged shoe. Old Mother Hubbard is most likely a skank.

Emily. She is what every Norfolk girl aspires to be. Engaged at 19 to a race car driver, overly tan skin, beautiful brassy hair, and can pull off tennis ball sized hoop earrings like it's her job. So naturally, I like her. She's a doll. I think she would be the perfect subservient wife for Brad.

Marissa. Hey I'm a cool girl! Did I mention I like sports? I'm cool. I swear I'm not crazy. I like wings and beer and did I mention I like sports?! I'm just your ultimate guys girl. Let's go fart and burp and then I'm gonna go silently cry in my room after.


Jackie: "You need to pinky swear."
Brad: "What?"
Jackie: "Pink Swear?"
Brad: "Tell me what?"
Jackie "Pinky swear that you're going to choose me at the end."
Brad: giggle.
Jackie: "NO! This isn't a F%#CKING joke BRAD! You need to swear to me on your dead beat father's life that you will choose me and only me and marry me and I will be the only woman you ever ever talk to for the rest of your life." Giggle.

Chantal #2. Are you kidding me? Did I mess up, are there seriously two Chantal's on this season? Pretty sure the third one lives below me.

Rachiel with an i. The Jewish disco ball called, it wants it's dress back.

Lisa. Good call on the Dorothea shoes. I can't wait to buy them at Plato's in Topeka when you get kicked off.

Rebecca. Did you really leave the Gilmore Girls? What's Rory gonna do without her mom?

Keltie. Perhaps pants might have been a btter choice for the high kick. I won't be comfortable looking her in the eye for the rest of the season.

Sarah. She can't snap her fingers... If she can't do this God only knows what else she can't do. Whistle? Clap? Give high fives?

Michelle. Woo dogs she's purty. She looks like a model, like for a fancy hot rod magazine or alcohol company.

Jackie. She likes to sing, but she doesn't do it often. Not much at all, but what the hell, she'll give it a shot just this one time on National tv. Just this once though.

The Kardashian's ugly cousin. Need I say more?

Ashley S. She got the first impression rose,YAY! She's a sweetheart. I bet Ashely the dentist is uber mad. My only question is where is the 3rd Ashley? I haven't seen these girls since their days on Recess. I am happy to see they've grown into nice young women.

All in all Brad, we get it. You're healed. You're changed. You're not the first guy to not find love on this show. I'm just nervous Brad won't be able to keep up this sensitive/sweet guy act the entire time and half way through he is going slip into a fit of rage and start beating girls. And by nervous I mean I'm hopeful. Guess we'll find out this season on the Bachelor.

Note to those of you out there who are lucky enough to watch this with friends: I suggest playing a fun drinking game while watching. Every time Brad says "changed man" take a drink, and every time Brad says "soul searching" take another drink.

King of the Dumpster

I just caught the apartment kiddos licking the metal light pole outside. I can't decide if they are doing this because they've just seen A Christmas Story, or perhaps they're doing it because they haven't? God knows that movie scared me straight from ever licking a pole in the winter again. Well, that and the time I was witness to Jordan's tongue leaking blood everywhere because it was stuck to the outside windows at my mom's Jazzercise studio. I distinctly remember telling him he probably shouldn't do that. Jordan always liked to learn things the hard way. Like don't run under gymnasium bleachers in Ninja Turtle slips-ons if you don't want to end up in the Columbus emergency room with your right ear hanging by a hair- literally. Oh fun childhood memories. Since Chris and I live in a three bedroom apartment we are on the rich side of complex as I like to say, with all the other three bedrooms. Chris says we're on the poor family side. To each their own. Thanks to "Harlows", the mexican name the children have given little Har, I have grown pretty close to the little ones. They call him the little farm doggy, although I'm not sure why, I never told them I got him on a farm. I think they just assume that all white people are farmers? Anywho, I wonder what it would be like growing up in an apartment. I remember I had one friend who lived in an apartment in grade school and I absolutely loved going over to her home to play because I felt like I was in a hotel when I was there. And not only that, but there was only tons of other kids to play with and I don't ever recall seeing one parent. We could eat as many Dunkaroos or Gusher packs as we wanted. The kids around here seem to have just as much fun, as well. I've never seen so many great ways to entertain oneself in a parking lot. They play huge games of tic tac tow on dusty cars, they play battle ship on the stairwells, and my personal favorite- King of the Dumpster. An oldy but a goody. I'm not sure I would physically lay on the dumpster lids as I often see them do, but I guess even kings need to nap sometimes.

On another note, I am getting quite tired of the numerous ski updates. I get green with envy just seeing everyone talk about how great Colorado is right now. Not because I love to ski, no not at all, I love the idea of skiing of course, but what I love more is drinking in ski resorts. That is my ultimate fave. I think I could like skiing, I used to when I was little, but now unfortunately I ski with the fear that someone has after they have broken two legs from a bad fall. Not that this has actually happened to me per say, but never the less, I ski as if it has. I also don't care much for the hassle of all of the equipment and boots and unflattering snow pants and greasy wet hair. I recall last year as Kate and I were tromping through Vail in bundles of bulky clothing and uncomfortable ski boots we both decided that beach trips are just so much easier and less painfun.

Well enough playtime for now. I have some serious work to do. I'm talking about watching the Bachelor. I wasn't going to this season, but I've heard so much about a certain Vampire I feel I must see her for myself.
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