Bachelor Edition- Let's Go Back to Chantals House

Monday, February 28, 2011

So the first twenty minutes of this episode was a total waste of my reality TV time. I don't need a walk down memory lane just yet, I've only known these girls for five weeks. Remember, the same amount of time as you have Brad. Still, I suppose a little refresher never hurts. I guess I was reminded of a few things I had forgotten. For instance, I almost didn't remember the fact that Ashley wore a tu-tu on her putt putt date. How cute cute. I also forgot for a week that Emily's daughter made her first TV debut in the 1980s horror flick "Gremlins." The one thing I didn't forget, however, is that Chantal is still rich as hell. Thanks for the other reminders ABC.

In South Africa Brad opted for a scenic lunch outdoors with Chantal the hippo. Oops, I meant Chantal and a hippo, type-o! Ironically, the first thing Brad asks Channy is,

"Is it weird for me to say I miss your family? Like your dad."

Not at all. And then he got extra ballsy and asked an even bigger question,

"Would you accept an overnight date with me? And by you I mean your dad?"

And then, as if straight out of a Berenstain Bear novel the cute little couple stayed the night in a tree! A tree! Can you imagine that? Brad is such an adventurer, good thing he has someone like Chantal who is always more than down for the ride.

Just when I didn't think Emily could get any cuter she steps out for her elephant date dressed like the adorable little country girl she is. I know I say this a lot, but this specific outfit of cut off jean shorts and cowboy boots is literally the epitome of what every single Madison County girl hopes to pull off. It's what every single fat little freshman girl tries to pull off at Rope em and Ride em, Country Stampede, and every country concert in between. But Emmers puts us all to shame. So why torture us, Brad? Just choose Emily already. If you can look past Chantal to get to her dad, then you surely can look past Ricky to get to Emily.

And then they dropped the L- bombs. Didn't see that coming. Is it weird I lost a little bit of respect for Emily at this point? I don't know why, because like I said, I want Brad to choose her. But something just didn't feel right. I guess I probably just still feel bad for Ricky Senior at this point.

So if Emily was cute country, Ashley was slutty country. Jean shorts are short enough, I'm not sure there is ever a need to slit the sides to ensure they're even shorter. Unless of course you're like 13. And even in that case I'm gonna call you a slutty 13 year old. Slits on the sides are right up there with unbuttoning your shorts and rolling them. There is never, under any circumstance, a time in which it is necessary to roll jean shorts as if they are meshy shorts. But enough about South Padre spring break. Let's get back to subject. Ashley is just a little spark plug, isn't she? I think she should date someone more like Pauly D. They would just smile and giggle and shout all the time. I mean, they're both from the east coast, they both have professional jobs, and, well that's probably it.

At dinner Brad got all deep again and said one of his many inspirational thoughts,

"I'm not looking for a perfect situation, I'm just looking for a perfect situation for two people."

As opposed to those looking for a bad situation for two people? What the hell does this even mean? Wouldn't a perfect situation for two people, rather than one, be even more hard to come by than it would for one? Sometimes I wonder if even he knows what he is talking about. Must be time to turn to Chris Harrison for guidance.

Brad and Harrison talk about relationships far more than any two grown men should. They go back and fourth like two little bitches. Blah blah blah. Feelings this, love that, John hit me in the head with a whiffle bat reee eeeh eeee eeh eeee.

Big shocker, Brad sends Ashley home. Probably wasn't his smartest move when he asked her as she's getting on the van to go home,

"But what's wrong with you?"

Well.... What do you think? She's like totally heartbroken Brad! Duh! Your relationship went from great to shit in only like two weeks. But why? How? What? WHY GOD WHY? How could a relationship go so bad so quick when the man is only dating two other women on the side? I just don't know. But at least Brad respected Ashley enough to not have her go through a rose ceremony. To which I ask, what about the others you let go? Did you not respect them, BRAD?

I just don't know. Brad seems to dig himself in deeper holes every episode. Hopefully meeting his family next week will pull him out of his slump. And if not I don't really care because it's The Women Tell All episode! Woo hoo! Bring on the crazy middle aged single ladies!

And the Oscar goes to...

And the Oscar goes to... Me. It goes to me for sitting through that entire pretentious awards show. I'm only half way serious, I didn't think it was that bad. Although I have been hearing that it was labeled "the most boring Oscars of all time." But I find it hard to believe that in all of it's 83 years, the year 2011 could have been the worst. What about 1932, wasn't the Great Depression going on then? Or 1951, was it really that much better then? Doubtful. I think the problem is simply that we have such different expectations today. An award show just isn't an award show unless someone shows up dressed as a sperm egg or a guy tries to take an award from Taylor Swift. My how we have just become so jaded. If the Oscars wanted so badly to appeal to younger people why didn't they have Gaga and Kanye host? Or Biebs and Selena? Or hell, why not just throw it all in and go for Zach and Cody as the hosts, the Suite Life has a huge following. I just think it's pretty harsh for critiques today to complain that James Franco looked too high, and Anne Hathaway appeared to try too hard. To which I ask, have you seen Pineapple Express? What about Princess Diaries, or the Devil Wears Prada? This is what these people do.

Pineapple Express is some of Franco's best work, in my opinion. Now if I were making assumptions, I would only assume that a known pothead such as say, Franco, would prepare for one of the most nerve racking moments in his entire life by, well, by smoking a lot of pot. So while Hathaway was nervously tap dancing and giggling uncontrollably and Franco just stared on with a look of "what in the hell is going on here," I can only assume that's because he was probably high as kite and was just choosing to sit back and observe, at times forgetting he was indeed the host. It's happened to the best of us, I only wished he would have shared a blunt or two with Hathaway. It's not that I don't like little Annie... She just always reminds me of that spastic, dorky high school girl that was just a little too annoying for me to handle. I bet she's the type of girl who would get real drunk off of just a few drinks, not realizing until the later the drinks were actually alcohol free. She will forever be Mia Thermopolis in my book, unruly hair and all.

I haven't seen the King's Speech, but I am dying to. Having suffered from a lisp in elementary school, I think that I'll be able to relate very well to this movie. Sally sells seashells by the seashore...Sally sells seashells by the seashore...If I had a dollar for every time I practiced that rhyme. Anyway, I'm also quite intrigued by Winter's Bone. From what I've gathered, it's about a trashy small town that is run on meth labs. I love the idea of meth labs. Whenever Chris and I drive through Plattsmouth on the way to, or from Topeka, we play a fun little car game called "spot the meth lab." We try to pick out as many houses as possible that we believe have meth labs, this includes, but is not limited to, cars in the front yard, shabby garages, and one time we spotted a tree house we suspected to have a meth lab. It's just a fun little game to pass time.

I was excited Natalie Portman won best Actress for that devil of a movie Black Swan. That movie made me want to go home and shower. It also made me want to stop picking my hang nails, it's such a bad habit, but it makes me feel better to know even ballerinas can't help themselves. I only hope for Natalie's sake that the curse of the Oscar doesn't happen to her too, you know the curse where you find out two weeks after winning that your husband has actually been cheating on you with a tattoo artist/porn star for the past five years.

Am I sad Facebook didn't win much? No, not at all. This just gives me hope, the chances of two Facebook movies winning big are just too slim. So now when Facebook Girl hits the big screen it will have that much more of a chance to do well. I've already started casting. I'm thinking big. Like Miley as FbGirl, and an opening song by Ke$ha. Go with me here,

"Woke up in the morning feelin like Fb-Girl,

With lips pouted out and my eyes so big,

Flip the chin, booty out, gone' face the back,

Before I leave, take this pic, with a bottle of jack.

I'm talking stat updates like hos hos

Taking pics of all my clothes clothes

Boys blowing up my phones phones

Saying they wants to bone bone

Don't stop, make my status pop,

Tonight I'm gona go till I drop

Tik tok on the FB clock...."

Nothing is in concrete, of course. Just thinking out loud is all.

Just Another Sober Friday Morn

Friday, February 25, 2011

I remember a time when it was a rare thing to wake up on a Friday without hangover. But it was one of those things that when it did occur, I would always think, man it actually feels pretty good to wake up not feeling like I want to die, and now I'm really ready to get super drunk tonight. Oh the days of Thursday night house parties... If only I would have realized during my bitter junior year of not being 21 yet that I would actually miss the novelty of have nothing better to do than drink red cup upon red cup of keg beer in an old musty basement somewhere probably on Charleston or Fletcher or... Dare I say West O. But no, I was in such a hurry to grow up and get downtown and drink in a more mature atmosphere like the Rail and the Bar. But I digress. Actually, I don't, I'll probably spend at least the next forty minutes creeping on college Fb photos trying to convince myself that I had just as much fun, if not more as the current undergrads. I'm already dreading the upcoming weeks when all of the little hookers take off for their stupid spring breaks in places like Las Vegas and Panama and feel the need to post it all over their walls. Well that's not the only thing that's going to be all over their walls. Too much...

So my movement to save Lindsay obviously hasn't worked. The judge is being super hard on her, and she can't seem to find an outfit appropriate for court that covers her boobies, and really nothing is going her way. But I'm over her, I'm just gonna sit back and watch that train wreck happen I've decided. I would, however, like to save Charlie Sheen. I sure would hate it if Two and Half Men never came back on. I found his rant he called in to a radio show to be quite hilarious. Anybody who uses the words "trolls" and "ugly little monsters" to describe women and children is okay in my book. He called in to bitch about the "loser lives" of the people he works with on the set of the show, while he is cooped up in a suite in the Caribbean with two models. Through all of this publicity with Charlie I really wonder what Emilio has been up to? Still coaching little league hockey, perhaps? Drug addiction or not, I think it's safe to say Charlie is the more successful one of the two.

But speaking of movie stars, I'm quite excited for the Oscars this weekend. I'm hosting my first Oscar party, and all guests have confirmed! Yup, Chris, Harlow and myself will enjoy Oscar themed appetizers (King Crab Cakes in honor of Kings Speech) and cocktails (the Dirty Hang Nail Martini because of Black Swan, duh!) as we watch the show and fill out our own score sheets, it should be a pretty fun time. I'm assuming all awards will go to the King's Speech, this film sure is lucky Never Say Never wasn't released in time to be nominated because I think we all know this would have definitely changed things up a bit. I'm picking Miley Cyrus for best actress for The Last Song, and Zac Efron for best actor in Charlie St. Cloud. There is just so much talent this year it's crazy. But really, I am most excited for the hosts, James Franco and Princess Mia! They will be quite the duo.

Moving on up.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

One week after getting an "eviction" notice Chris and I were officially settled into our new house. Yup, we decided to put the ball back in our court and just get the hell out of that nasty apartment. We weren't about to just sit around and twiddle our thumbs waiting for the apartment people to come and arrest Harlow and kick us out on the streets. In true Topeker style we packed up all of our shit and moved out in the middle of the night. Well it was actually a day and a night, and unlike the other neighbors who usually just throw their garbage bags full of personal belongings over their balconies onto the ground we actually hired some movers, but still it was only a matter of 24 hours and we were gone. The apartment kiddos I had grown so fond of sat on their steps and sadly watched as the rich white folk moved away all because of little Carlos the puppy. When I walked Harlow out to the car for the last time I let the kids say good bye, they were quite upset. They asked if I would bring him back to visit. I looked at them very kindly and politely said, no of course not. And then I got in my car and drove away to our new neck of the Topeker woods.

We moved into a little white house that is about thirty seconds away from Chris's office. The house is tiny, but very comfortable. It has really great features that our apartment lacked, such as a laundry chute (very retro!) a basement that has all the makings of a perfect man cave, and most importantly, a large fenced in backyard. Har Har is just in heaven, it's definitely a dog friendly neighborhood. To our left is Gus the Boxer, he's a real feisty guy, and on the right are two little poodles Lilo and Jewels, they're snotty at first but now Harlow is on their good side. And the opposing back yard is the home of an incredibly active German Shepard who spends his entire day running along the fence side. He and Harlow hit it off right away, I bet it has something to do with their similar Hungarian/German back grounds. But if I ever catch them drawing Swastikas in the dirt or pretending to give the Nazi salute I'll cut that friendship off immediately because that's just not right.

So after not even being in our home for a week, Chris took off for St. Louis for meetings and I took off for Council Bluffington for presentations. Whenever life has me down I always like to visit CB. It's a place that really makes me count my blessings. Especially today, as I got the pleasure of speaking in an alternative high school for students who have been kicked out of their normal high schools. Boy, they were a lively bunch. And they sure were excited to have me there, apparently they'd never seen a real life-pretend Chef before. They loved my knives, and my chef jacket, and especially my Chuck Taylors. They weren't, however, too excited when they heard I was making a salad rather than something fried. One girl even looked at me right in the face and said,

"I don't eat nuffin dat aint fried."

So I responded by asking her how she will be celebrating.

"Celebratin what?" She asked.

"Well the one year reunion since your big win at the Academy Awards for Precious, of course...."

Okay, so I didn't say this. But I thought it. I thought a lot of things today as I heard these kids speak to each other and saw the way they treated each other. It was pretty disgusting. But since the teachers didn't bother to correct them, I figured I shouldn't either. I found it best to keep to myself, and keep my knives even closer.

Bach Edition- How bout that O'Brien house?

Monday, February 21, 2011

Home dates might be my favorite episode of the entire season. I love to see a Bachelor girl's upbringing, gives me a little insight as to why they are the way they are. Needless to say, I wasn't let down.

Home visit number one, Chantal O. You know, I'm really starting to like good ol Channy more and more. I think I judged her too harshly in the beginning, she's not that bad. I could see myself hanging out with her and her model like family. Had the O'Brien's adopted a big athletic black boy ten years ago, I'm pretty sure the Blind Side would have been based upon their family rather than the Tueys. Did I mention her father, Mike O'Brien, was a quarter back for the Seahawks back in the early 80s? So when he claims to have "started at the bottom" he really didn't. No professional, or collegiate football player for that matter, ever starts at the bottom. He just happened to choose auto sales instead of medical sales. How original. That being said, I think it's pretty obvious why Brad chooses who he is rumored to choose in the end. He chooses Mike O'Brien, Chantal O just happens to come with it, as well.

Next up we get a trip to the wonderful Spanish/French speaking territory of the upper east coast. The first stop was a diner for a quick bite of french fries and gravy. Ashley thought this was a pretty unique meal, she obviously hasn't been to Topeka, it's called a #3 at Popeyes, a #6 at Churchs. Her home was cute, but let's be honest, it's hard to follow the O'Brien mansion. Ashley's family was definitely welcoming, and that's probably an understatement. I almost thought they were just a little too much even. The hugging and screaming and tattoo sleeve was a tad overwhelming, but it is nice to see Amy Winehouse has cleaned herself up quite a bit. And why didn't everyone get a big piece of lobster for dinner? Was this a novelty just reserved for the special guest and mother and father I wonder? Probably wouldn't be like this at the O'Briens...

And start funeral organ music... Poor Shawntell. I really started to like her. She had a real glow of life about her. And such a killer fashion sense. I was dying for her to win. I was actually scared to death at the rose ceremony when it was between her and the O'Brien girl. Oh well, life goes on though. She's a cute young girl, she should be able to find somebody, she'll just have to look outside of the work place. I mean it sounds like she is the top embalmer Tico has to offer, that's not a title that just anybody gets. She'll be okay, she's got a good family to lean on, Vanessa, and Destiny, and her mother and father, Shaniqua and Jamal will be there for her. They just need to surround themselves with family friends like Harriet and Carl Winslow, and Rudy and Denise and Theo Huxtable... I just think all of the death talk and lying on the embalming bed got a little too real for Brad. He just couldn't handle the pressure of marrying an embalmers daughter, nor the fact that the dad looked a lot like a younger version of Mr. Monopoly.

Oh Emily. What isn't there to love about you? Besides your grumpy little child. I think we all now know why you didn't want Brad to meet Ricky. She's booooring. What's her deal? How does a ray of sunshine raise a thunder cloud? She obviously hadn't had her Jimmy Dean breakfast yet. Brad was even kinda cute and brought her a gift. A kite... Who gives a kite as a gift not on Easter? Was a Dollar Tree the only store on the way? Nice try Brad, but this kid's dad was a racecar driver. Just give up now. And why didn't we get to meet Emily's parents? I was really looking forward to meeting the people who raised such a wonderful human being.

Emily looked like the vision of beauty that every Norfolk girl can only dream to look like on big days such as Prom, Weddings, and the Madison County Fair. Ashley looked a little rough I thought. Did she forget to blow dry her hair? Did she go to sleep with it wet? It's still too early to play this card Ashley. Don't hate me for saying this, Mr. O'Brien, but at the rose ceremony your daughter looked like a fat asian hooker. I'm sorry, but you were probably thinking it too. At the moment when it was between Chan and Shawn and Brad chose Chan, it was pretty obvious what he was thinking. He was thinking about the VIP seats he'll have for the Seahawks 2011-2012 season. Oh well, what can you do. If given the choice between joining a family legacy of NFL or funeral homes what would you choose? Such is the world we live in.

Can't wait til next week...

Bachelor Edition- "We're losing the sun, but gaining the moon."

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

If I could take three things on a deserted island with me I would bring a picnic lunch, champagne, and Emily. This is how Brad asked Emily on their one on one, but the weird part is that these are the exact three things I would bring on a deserted island with me, as well.

So on this specific one on one date Brad got extra ballsy and broke the rules! He's such a dare devil that one, he told Emily, before the rose ceremony I might add, that she was definitely going to get a rose. And she blushed and cooed but still didn't give into his request of meeting her daughter. Now I think Brad was getting just a little bit pushy. Why does he think he has the right to meet Ricky? Not just anyone gets this opportunity, so I think he was definitely in the wrong by pushing Emmers when she clearly isn't ready. She said it herself, "in her heart of hearts," she has to make absolutely sure it's right before she introduces her daughter to another man. Okay, so cool it Brad. This isn't Teen Mom, even Macy waited forever and it was still too early for Bentley to meet her boyfriend the Michelin Man when she finally introduced them. We don't need another Bentley/Macy situation on our orange hands here. But side note, what would we think about Ryan being the next Bachelor??? In the words of Facebook, like!like!like!

Brad and Brittany were a weird couple from the start. Did anyone ever hear this girl say more than two words? I still can't believe she made it as long as she did only to get sent home on a date where it wasn't necessary to even send someone home. Ouch, harsh move Brad. Back home to Auschwitz she goes...

So then Brad takes Shawtelly or as Kim calls her, "Funeral Bitch", on a super fun town date. I did find some of the activities they were doing to be a bit odd though. Chess with the locals? I can't help but wonder if another plan fell through or something. Like the airplane they were going to take to go cliff diving broke down perhaps. But it didn't matter, because as Shawtuza put it, "farmers markets make her trip..." She said it, not me. Sure, I think farmers markets are a hoot, but I don't think I would ever say they get me high, or make me buzz or anything. But to each their own. Just like the Native American eagle tattoo that was spread across her entire lower back side we got a peak of last night, to each their own.

And then we went on to one of the "most stressful days of Brad's life," a group date with Ashley, Chantal, and Michelle. Ashley is cute as a button, if she was in a sorority she would be the rush chair because she is just so bubbly and happy, and I can tell probably talks a lot of shit behind peoples back when the cameras are off. But it doesn't matter, everybody still loves her. I really wonder why she's on this show, however. She's a dentist, so she's obviously smart, and as I already said she's pretty cute. So why does she need to go on a reality show to find love? Skeletons in the closet? I'm gonna go with yes. Now Michelle and Chantal... Don't hate me for saying this, but I am pretty sure they are both pregnant. Three or four months along by the looks of it. I'm going to start writing some hate letters if ABC doesn't crack down soon and stop letting their pregnant contestants drink booze all of the time, it's disgusting. What was that green drink they were all drinking, anyway? My first thought was Beetle Juice, did anyone else have this juice growing up? Or was it just a Norfolk thing? Whatever it was it looked like it caused some major stomach bloat. Was I sad when Chantal cried because she was upset she didn't get a rose in the group date? A little bit, nobody ever likes to see an old Bar maid cry. But isn't she the one that wins in the end? Let's be honest, we've all heard the rumors that someone named Chan-Shaw-tel-tal wins, but which one is it? Funeral girl or pregnant Bartender?

I was slightly dissapointed Michelle was sent home just because I was interested to see what kind of parents raised such an awful human being. Oh well, guess I'll just have to watch Kate Gosselin next week instead.

And now we are down to the final four. How exciting.

Did anyone else feel that shit storm blow through?

Monday, February 14, 2011

You know the part in a movie when the chubby teenager is sitting all alone at lunch and their voice over says "things couldn't have gotten any worse," and at that moment the chair breaks that they were sitting on and their tray of spaghetti bake spills all over their lap? That's kinda been my scene as of late. Came home Friday to find a lovely little note from the apartment ladies tucked into our door notifying us that we need to go. A "14/30" is what it was called I believe. Apparently, this apartment isn't large pet friendly. Well excuse me, who gets to define what is a "large pet" and what isn't. Sounds a little politically incorrect, if you ask me. What if airplanes, or movie theaters, or cars weren't deemed large human friendly. That wouldn't exactly be fair, and neither is this. So we can either get rid of Harlow in 14 days, or move out in 30. Makes sense that the first place I would ever be evicted from would occur in this town, I'm pretty sure it's just a right of passage here. So what's next you ask? Well Chris and I spent the weekend looking for rental homes. Rental homes, has such a nice ring to it, doesn't it? I'll let you in on a little investment secret, if you have some extra money lying around you should buy a house here to rent out. I am not kidding, rental homes go like hot cakes around here. The moment we see an available house that doesn't make me cry it's already scooped up before we can even call on it. An ol two tone Pontiac is already in the drive way hauling in the new renters light up beer signs and toaster ovens before we can even pull away. Yup, it's a renters market in Peker, who would have thought? Oh wait, I guess this is exactly what I would have thought. So how do I deal with this situation you might ask? With maturity and poise, as I do everything. I've really tried to keep a positive attitude. I haven't thrown a fit, or cried numerous times like the world is coming to an end, or made gagging sounds at each new rental home we drive by that isn't up to my standards. I've been a real trooper. I enjoy a change of scenery, even if the change is from an apartment complex to a rental house tucked on a street that switches from pavement, to dirt, and back to pavement. It's a little taste of country in the city. Topeker just keeps getting better and better.

Speaking of things getting better, I was informed just the other day that because of the mass amount of snow days that cancelled my work and put me way behind in my numbers I am being put on an "action plan" until further notice. As the saying goes, when it rains, it pours shit. These past few days have been an entire shit storm. So my new action plan goes something like this, Chris said that if I can get a better job in Omaha we can move. Or if I can find him a better job in Omaha we can move, as well. So if you know of anyone who would like to hire us please let me know. Chris is very good with finances, and he's such a people person. I'm good with knife skills and belittling high school students. We don't have to get hired as a team, of course. But we could come as a package deal if it works best for you. We put on a very great home cooking show I might add. I'm kind of serious... If you can help me out of here I would be forever grateful. I just kind of feel like I'm stuck between a rock and nasty rental house here and am not sure what to do.

But just to clarify I am happy. This is fine. It's fine, F-I-N-E. I am happy. Oh yeah, Happy Valentines Day or whatever.

Save Lindsay.

Friday, February 11, 2011

I’m scared Lindsay Lohan is going to die soon. Like for reals. She’s had five mug shots in the past six months. She’s been in jail and rehab for drugs, alcohol and stealing. I think she’s going to either O.D. or commit suicide. She wants to go down like Marilyn Monroe. I’m not even kidding, I think its coming and it breaks my heart. Why is no one helping her? She had such a promising career ahead of her, what with films like “Freaky Friday” and the made for TV movie “Labor Pains.” It was an ABC film, I didn’t catch it, but only because I was busy watching the Pregnancy Pact. Teen pregnancy was so hot last year, this is one of the few trends Norfolk Senior High was way ahead of. Maybe Linds should have a baby, that helped Brit. But in all seriousness, I just don’t think anyone really realized the affect it had on LiLo when she found out at such a young age that she had a long lost mom and a twin sister that lived in England. That’s intense stuff for a little girl to go through, I think she was just thrown into a situation she wasn’t ready for. She had to stop biting her nails and learn an English accent all in one summer just to try to impress a mom she had never met. It’s really very sad if you think about. I think we can blame her mom for all of the Sam Ronson issues, everybody says if you don’t have a dad you date bad men, same goes with a mom I suppose. I’m thinking about starting a Save Lindsay movement on Facebook, like maybe we could all change our pic to our favorite photo of Lindsay? Yeah, I’m going to do it. Feel free to join, but please resist the urge to choose pics of her during her very dark ana time, I’m talking about the photos of Linds circa 2006 in the red Versace dress when she has super blonde hair and her bones are popping out all over, Nichole Richie was her bestie at this time. I just don’t want to wake up one morning and have the death of Lindsay Lohan be all over the news. I’m still just getting over Brittany Murphy.

Speaking of death, what do we think about the demise of Sammi and Ron’s relationship? Is it really over? We can only hope. I don’t think I can handle one more conversation on the roof top between Sam and Ron about being “being broken,” and “you don’t even know what you’ve done to me,” and “this is it,” and “I am so over this,” and “we need to go our own ways” and “Miami blah blah blah.” As JLo said, ENOUGH! No more. I’d rather watch Snooki roll around in the sand with her jiggly butt hanging out, or look at J Woww’s belly button that isn’t there, than watch Ron and Sam’s same conversation that happens every night. Those two are legitimately crazy. I’ve heard about couples who fight all of the time but those two are just over the top. They both want to play victim. Ron broke Sammi, and Sammi makes Ron cry. I don’t want to sound cold, but I find it very comical whenever Ron cries, there’s just something amusing about watching a big gorilla man choke up.

So I'm working at a very ghetto school today. But it's one of my faves. The kids are all so motivated and excited when I come in, they call me Chef T and always ask if I will cook at their graduations and birthday parties, it's sweet. I'm trying to give it my all, but by Friday I am just worn out. This has been my second week in 2011 where I have worked all five days, and it's been a struggle. Sometimes when I'm really dragging ass in a presentation I feel like I'm a Ms. America contestant during a question session. I use the same phrases over and over regardless of what I am talking about. My favorite words and phrases are "various things such as" and "certain elements" and "focal points specializing in but not limited to." Like I said, sometimes even I have absolutely no idea what I'm talking about. So when I get lost I typically just end whatever I'm saying with, "so as you can see it's not very complicated at all, but just takes time to learn, as does everything worth doing." Try it. It works for almost every sentence as a quick escape route.

Ex 1: "So what were you saying about the video game design?"

Shit, what was I saying? I was mumbling, I have no idea.

"Just that as you can see it's not very complicated, but just takes some time to learn, as does everything worth doing."

Ex 2: "How did they make that ice sculpture?"

"Well, basically, it's not very complicated, but just takes a little time to learn, as does everything worth doing."

Ex 3: "Would you say culinary mangement is more difficult and time consuming than going into like hospitality or baking?"

"Good question, but honestly I just think that neither are very complicated, they both take time to learn, but so does everything worth doing."

Well I'd just like to say Happy Valentines weekend to all of you. May it be a weekend spent with your sweet hearts, may engagements be proposed, and babies conceived. Speaking of conceivement, I just want to say congrats to my friend Jeni! What a big piece of news this is! Although she's really going to have to sit down and think about this as it's a huge decision that shouldn't be made lightly. And she's going to have to really plan it out if she wants to get it taken care of in time. Oh shoot, did I say that wrong? I meant congrats on her engagement of course, whoopsie! Congrats Jeni and Hunter!

Is it March yet?

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Does anybody else agree with me that they would rather catch a grenade than have to listen to that awful Bruno Mars song yet again? I spend a lot of time in my car listening to the radio, so perhaps I am just sensitive, but I think it's safe to say I hear this song at least ten times a day. And it's awful. I know songs aren't meant to be taken literally, but these are some of the worst, most violent lyrics I have ever heard. I frankly wouldn't want to date someone who says they would jump in front of a train for me. That seems a little bit obsessive. Throw your hand on a blade? Well, I appreciate the gesture but I really don't ever see a time when that would be necessary. Unless of course there was a rare occasion in which Chris came to watch me give a culinary demonstration and I happened to drop my knife and he threw himself under it? But that is highly unlikely, I would never let Chris come watch me. What kind of women is Bruno Mars dating where he feels the need to offer himself up to such gruesome tasks I wonder? And yet the only thing that he really seems truly bothered by is the fact that that this girl kisses with her eyes open... Whatever happened to the sweet old fashioned lyrics that involved impossible, yet romantic tasks such as crossing the ocean for you, or bringing someone the moon? Did Mars really have that awful of an upbringing that he seriously thinks these are the types of things he needs to commit to in order to be in a lasting relationship? Like I said, I know I'm being a tad literal, but these are things I think about after hearing a song played 100 times a day. Speaking of great artists though, which we are definitely not short of right now, I can't help but love Ke$ha's song where she boasts about having "Jesus on my necklace-s-s-s." That song is just so darn catchy, Ke$ha truly is a very talented musician. I'd almost put her right alongside the likes of Bieber. Is anybody else slightly tempted to go see his movie this weekend? I've heard it's a very inspirational story. I'm sure it's just a classic old Cinderella YouTube tale. Those are always the best. Probably just the standard story line, poor single mother stays at home on welfare, treats her little boy like he's her own real life doll, teaches him to perform like a circus monkey, tapes the circus monkey, then releases the tapes onto the Internet in hopes he will make it big one day. We've all seen it before. Still never gets old though. I've already told Jade that as soon as Knox is old enough to do something we're getting him on Youtube. I'm not about to have a perfectly good baby go to waste and not at least take a shot at becoming the next interent sensation. At this point I'm just trying to get him to bite my finger, it worked for those British babies.

Bachelor Edition- Wife Beater Brad Is Coming Back!

Monday, February 7, 2011

Oh Costa Rica, what a naughty little treat you are. The plush rain forests, the amazing scenery and the beautiful Bachelor girls prancing around in work out pants and tank tops. Or was that just Chantal? I'm digging it. Nothing says "I don't give a shit" like wearing sweats on a date that is broadcast on national TV. I don't care if you're swinging on a wire, you don't wear yoga pants on a date until you've been dating at least 3 months. I know Emily wouldn't have. And what about Chani's dirty little mouth? "I'll see you on the other side," she said, "nice and wet." Oh gross. This is a family show, Chantal. Did anyone else get uncomfortable when she came out of the bathroom wearing only Brad's white button up shirt? I was just waiting for her to put on tube sox and go sliding across the floor. Where were her yoga pants from earlier I wonder? She just conveniently chose to wear a shirt without pants rather than her daytime clothes? I don't mean to be blunt, but that's the move of a slut right there.

I thought Michelle looked more rough than usual this episode. I still can't decide if she is legitimately crazy, or if she is just playing a part? Is it really possible for someone to be as big of a bitchy nut job as she is? She makes hair dressers everywhere look bad. Or do I mean good? I think I might have seen a tiny glance of old wife beating Brad when Michelle starting yipping in his ear about Chantal. Once again, it seems she got this show confused with the Bachelorette. But Brad wasn't having her shit. He was seconds away from Snooki-punching her. The rage was there and ready to explode. And I was loving it. Were getting closer to seeing the real Brad.

After seeing the blonde food critic girl in a swim suit I've decided to delay my eating disorder for a bit. She looked like a ten year old version of Vienna, if Vienna had an eating disorder as a little girl, which I highly doubt. Jackie looks more like a lizard in the water than she does on land, and to be even more specific she looked a bit Jewish to me, as well. If she were in a cartoon she would be the lizard daughter born to very strict Jewish parents. And that other Chatal, or Shawtel, or Shitell, whatever her name is, does not look well when wet. I'm gonna go out on a limb here and guess she started skipping pool parties around about the 7th grade.

So... is Alli a giant or is it just me? I feel like she might have played softball at UNL, I could be wrong, but I really think that I've seen her walking around campus in grey Husker sweats and a hooded sweatshirt. And who has a gag reflex to bugs? Especially when you're an ogre? Isn't she supposed to like eat bugs? It was pretty sad when their lilly pad started sinking completely on her side, I was worried that by the end of dinner Brad's side was going to be completely in the air and Alli would be five foot below. But the real blow was when Brad dumped her and she was completely caught off guard. It was painful to watch, right up until the last second Alli was batting her eyes and flashing her Mr. Ed smile toward Brad. She just had no idea, too bad the rest of the world did. I did like her final words in the taxi though, "The next guy I date better watch out... Because I'm gonna eat him!!!"

Well... Nothing screams Chantal like a yellow cheetah print dress. I was glad she said I love you to Brad first. It was very brave, not quite as brave as it was of her to wear a yellow and black spotted dress, but still very admirable. Emily looked stunning, as usual. I don't even usually like long dresses, but after seeing Emmers in one I want to go buy like five. Anorexic blonde Brit is just an anomaly to me. I can't believe she has lasted this long, without eating I mean. Her dangly ball earrings and heart shaped sunglasses have to weigh her down I would think. I was sad Lizard went home, she was starting to grow on me. But not really, I won't miss her. I'm sure her Jewish parents are anxiously awaiting her return back in the desert.

I sure am excited for next week. From the previews, Brad's crazy look is going to be in full force. If Michelle plays her cards right she might get her black eye again, but this time it will be from Brad. I simply can't wait. We'll just have to wait until next week on the Bachelor.

Everybodys a critic

So here's a riddle, how many times does a strange old man have to tell you your "pants are way too tight" for you to go on a diet? I'm gonna go with just one time. Because that's all it took for me. The other day a weird old man, like real old- 80's probably, told me I was very pretty, BUT my pants are way too tight. I politely told him that it had been a rough winter. He responded, well I can see everything. So I said, please stop looking. What exactly can one see through jeans I wonder? It's not like I had a camel toe for God's sake. Sorry, too visual, but seriously. So he could see my ass cheeks, that's not really possible? Regardless, the message was plain and clear, my jeans are too tight if even strangers are noticing. This odd man also asked " I wonder how many pregnancies those jeans have led to." None in these, I told him. It was one of the stranger conversations I've had. So I think I'm going to go buy an anorexic's memoir, those books always have the best diet advice. I was thinking about Portia DeRossi's maybe, she was really skinny for a while. I wish the Olsen twins would come out with a diet book already, I know they have to have a ton of tricks up their hobo sleeve.

Since I'm on a diet, Chris and I kept it healthy for super bowl snacks, we only had Mozzarella sticks and chicken fingers. And a few cupcakes, like I said, we tried to keep it light. I don't really care about the game, but I thought the commercials were okay. I expected better. My two favorite things in a commerical are talking babies and animals dressed as humans. So I always enjoy E Trade, but where were the monkeys dressed as humans? Career Builder had the monkeys driving a car, but why weren't they in suits? That would have made it ten times better. And was that a jab at Nebraska the fact that the license plates of the monkeys car was a NE plate? Half time entertainment was pretty good, although I'm not a huge Fergie fan. But since when did everyone turn into critics? Man, if I had a dollar for every negative thing said about X-Tina and the Black Eyed Peas I would probably have about thirteen dollars, and that was just off of my mini feed. Cool your jets FB peeps. I just love to picture people creating their statuses in response to something like this. Like I see them sitting on their couch and thinking, hmmm this is okay, but I bet everyone on Facebook will think it sucks so I'm gonna say it sucks, but I can't just say it sucks, I have to come up with something real clever and funny... "Let's NOT get is started in here, Black Eyed Peas," or "Thanks for reminding why I hate Christina Aguliera," ext and so fourth. So Christina forgot the words to the National Anthem, bfd. We've all done it, it's a hard song. What will all the "says" and the "sees" and the "lights", I would get it confused too. My favorite part was definitely the Michael Douglas Amurica introduction. It almost made me tear up. I just love a patriotic bit presented by a man married to a Welsh woman who lives in England. Now that's the American spirit.

I told Chris our goal for next year should be to make some friends to watch the Super Bowl with. But then I looked over and noticed he was sound asleep and didn't hear me say this. So at least it will be my goal. But only if we're not in Peker, I mean for Kansas City or Omaha... And if we're in either of these places we will already have friends.

Cheers to the #1 domestic abuse day of the year!

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Well this weekend was Knox's first trip back to Norfolk, so of course I couldn't miss it. It's so sweet that uncle Jordan has offered his room to Knox as a temporary nursery. With Knox sleeping in the room right next to me it almost felt like Jordan was home again. Knox made the same little grunts and cries in his sleep just like Jordan did in high school and he even shit his pants right around 3:00 a.m. like old uncle Jord. In true Norfolk fashion we spent the day watching the KU- Nebraska game at Big Red Keno. If theres one thing Norfolk isn't short on it's restaurants with personal tv's in the booths. I think this is such a classy touch, I don't know why more places don't offer this service. Sometimes big screens are just hard to see, but with a TV right at your table you for sure don't have to look around or even talk to the person you're sitting with. Its just a great way to take your family out for a nice dinner without having to mess with silly interaction or socialization. I was treated to even more basketball fun later on Saturday night at the Norfolk Senior High. We played Omaha Bryan ranked #5, the Panthers were #2 so naturally the gym was packed. Norfolkys young and old ventured out in their maroon attire on this chilly night to support the prodigy team. The rowdy little Norfolk Senior High student section chose to dress in white to have a "white out." Although, after seeing Bryan's team and fans I wasn't sure if this was the most appropriate theme for the night. White t-shirts or not, the gym was still most definitely a white out. The obnoxious boys stood in the front chanting, the stoner boys stood in the middle too high to talk, and the insecure girls were scattered through out constantly flipping their hair and applying lip gloss ready for that one moment the hot senior would look their way. Oh how I hated high school, I was the dykey basketball player crying in the locker room shower because I had probably just missed five lay ups in the game previous.

Anywho, it was a close one but we lost in the end. The loyal Norfolk fans were all pretty devastated, me included. But I was more devastated by all of the old class mates I saw who were either married or with babies in their arms, I feel so behind! I better get on it or I'm for sure gonna be an outcast at the ten year reunion of 2005 grads! But I guess that would mean I would have to go to said reunion first... Shoot. I guess I still have four years to think about. Or do I? Chris told me today America's time is dwindling. Because of financial reasons I don't understand, there seems to be proof its just a matter of time before America is officially in crumbles. The dollar is going to be absolutely worthless. So if you've been considering sending in your old Black Hills gold jewelry to those infomercials STOP! Don't do it! Those commercials are on to something, gold is coming back! I listened to an entire video of a really smart guy talk about the collapse of America, so believe me, it's legit. Stock up on Twinkies, keep your gold close, and embrace yourself for what's going to happen in under "12 months." I'll talk more about this later after I am further educated, but if you're interested right now in preparing for this financial Armageddon google Porter Stansberry and watch his video. He also predicted the stock crash of 2008 so this guy is smart, like Shia Lebeouf in Wal Street smart.

But don't let me worry you with such foolish things on Super Bowl Sunday!!! Let us all do what Americans do best, binge on food and drink, watch advertisers manipulate us with their multi million dollar 30 second commercials, and watch over sized men tackle each other and chase a ball around a field while the white trash in all of us screams and shouts like this game is really going to have an affect on our lives. Cheers to the #1 domestic abuse day of the year!

Who am I kidding? We'll never crumble, you can't beat the best. USA! USA! USA!

Chpt 18- I'm Too Sexy For This Snow Storm

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Naked snow angels, anyone?

If ever there was a day for full on un-interrupted Facebook creeping, it’s a snow day. Naturally, this means a fun filled day of posting for Facebook Girl, with a few breaks for online Victoria Secret shopping and drinks at Brothers, of course. But even then I hesitate to use the word “break” as mobile uploads are still in full force during these times. I can’t help but wonder what one did on snow days before Facebook? Did we really just watch movies without our phone always at our side? But how were we able to see all of the fun mobile pics of snow covered cars or friends drunkenly falling in snow piles? And how were we able to read statuses about how excited teachers are they don’t work in the real world and get a snow days like the kids. When Facebook didn’t exist did twenty year olds still go sledding holding a beer in their hand even if they couldn’t post about it? Doubtful. As my motto goes, if you can’t post it, what’s the point of doing it?

So how does Facebook Girl start her snow day? Sleeping in? Nonsense, there is too much to post on such a postful day. A snow day has the potential to fulfill all of the clichés that a Facebook Girl dreams of on a cold winter’s day, and a Facebook Boy dreams of reading about. There is too much attention to be had in too little of time.

First things first, a FbGirl tends to start the day like any good Christian girl would, by thanking God for granting her this snow day and cancelling her classes/work. Never mind that it’s going to end with her inviting over strange boys to come lay in her bed and warm her up because she is so wasted off of Peppermint schnapps and hot chocolate, we’ll get to that later. What’s next on the list for this fun day off? Perhaps a quick mobile pic a la bathroom mirror dressed in oh so cozy wool socks and little boxer shirts and tank top. I feel as if someone should tell this poor girl that she wouldn’t need the wool socks if she was in sweats and a sweatshirt, but oh well. We should just be thankful she is willing to share this day off with us, and that she is. Almost every minute of it is documented. She’s up, she’s eating breakfast, she’s snuggling on the couch all day watching Animal Planet, she’s making chili, she’s taking pictures of her snow covered car, she’s looking for sledding partners, she’s inviting friends over to play Twister, she’s making margaritas, she’s taking more pics of herself without makeup and posting “me without makeup, scary I know!” Oh stop, you’re beautiful Facebook Girl. I love when girls post no makeup pics followed by an insecure comment. It makes me want to comment along side the 25 other creepo guys who says, “who you kidding, you look the most gorgeous in this pic,” or “please girl, this is hot.” I can just hear the guys clicking their mouths to the side in that gangster way as they say it. And I couldn’t agree more. If only I had the insecurity, I mean security, to post a pic of myself without makeup.

Okay so let’s cover our bases here. Which clichés do we still need to bring up? Sledding, check. Chili and cinnamon rolls, check check. Pictures of big next door neighbor covered in snow with the caption “Abominable snowman.” Check. But that reminds me, time for naughty snow men time and naked snow angels! Then it’s inside for a hot bath and finally time to get crunkkkk! Any takers willing to bring Facebook Girl downtown, her car simply can’t make it in all this snow… You betcha!!! Just refer to creeper #1 and perv #5 from status at noon featuring a pouty faced self photo in a scarf and boots and a bikini. I’m too sexy for this… snow storm….too sexy for this snow storm… too sexy for my dig-nit-y… The ol damslut in distress move.

FbGirl: “Holy snow day! Good thing I stocked up on tequila and bubble bath last week!”

I know I don’t ever buy one without the other.

FbGirl: “No work today or tomorrow… Guess it’s time to get drunk, anyone want to come over?!”

Only if the tequila and bubble bath from the post above are included, then heck yes!

FbGirl: “Brrrr I’m freezing. Wish I big guy to come over and warm me up ;)”

Clothes also warm one up. Clothes not purchased from Victories Secret Pink section, the section intended for 13 year olds who want to look slutty.

FbGirl: “Probably shouldn't’t have worn heels in a blizzard. Definitely slipped and fell on my ass making my dress fly up around my waist. Lol oh well.”

Heels and a skirt + a blizzard= formula for F-U-N.

How bout that snow?

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

So how bout that snow storm? Did you notice it too? It seems to be everywhere. The news keeps calling it historic and record breaking, but it doesn't seem all that different from the snow storms we used to get back in the 90's. But it has kept me out of school for three days, and out of the gym that I don't belong to. It's also kept me in the house though, and on the couch. I've just been watching movie after movie and eating straight from the cereal box. I've gone through a box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch and Cinnamon Life in the past three days. It's great. But it's also a bit suffocating. It's driven me to the bottle though I must say. I can barely wait for it to be 5 o'clock before I can have a glass of wine or a beer. Today was the first time I could run errands so I went to Target and to the liquor store. But I don't think there is anything wrong with drinking alone, those who judge obviously have never done it. For some reason a glass of wine on the side seems to make time pass much quicker than without one. Chris was a gem and came home early last night so I was at least able to leave the house for a bit- to go to bar. All the snow had us in the skiing mood so we both dressed in long johns and fleeces to go out to the bar so we could pretend we had been on the mountain all day. Had it not been for the hicks in cowboy boots and K State attire at the bar, it really almost felt like we were in a hole in the wall ski bar in Colorado. It was half price "appeteazers" so we ordered jumbo chicken nachos, sliders, fries, gizards and a basket of fries. But I didn't care, I had been on the mountain all day working off calories so I needed to re energize. It was a bit disheartening when I talked to my dad today on my way home from picking up four bottles of wine and he asked if I'd had much physical activity lately, he even asked if I'd done the P90X video I borrowed from him a while ago. I said I'd watched it. Which is true, I put in the video yesterday and sat on the couch and watched a few of the workouts. I was going to start in on the fourth set but then I got distracted, I think it was about the time when Chris came home and told me the bar had half price appeteazers. Which would you choose? Exactly. I feel like snow days are impromptu holidays, so all the rules of the holidays are intact. So that means no working out, no eating healthy, and drinking is completely acceptable at all times of the day. It would be nice if I could have spent these impromptu holidays with someone rather than just Harlow, his sudden urge to hump my arm all of the time makes him quite unpleasant to watch movies with. I finally just started scooping spoonfuls of peanut butter into an empty yogurt cup to keep him busy for a few minutes, I do the same thing with Chris when he's bugging me.

On account of this being my third snow day at home I purchased a bottle of champagne to celebrate. So now I'm sipping a delightful little glass and watching out the window as Harlow frolicks in the snow. From the moment we got Harlow we've been letting him go outside without a leash so he learns not to run away/ (I'm lazy.) I know what you're thinking, and yes, we're "that neighbor" who lets their dog out to run as it pleases. Don't get your panties in a bunch, we still pick up his business after he does it. It's not like in Overland Park where God forbid the one time I forgot to pick up Izzy's tootsie roll sized poop it ended up back on my porch courtesy of a snatchy neighbor. I figured things are a little different here after I saw a neighbor kiddo popping a squat outside. I guess it's just a different way of life down here in the Peakeasy.