Tuesday, March 29, 2011

So how about Wichita? You ever been? Helluva town. I should say city though, because Wichita is the largest city in Kansas. But honestly, everybody knows it's Kansas City, it's only people from Wichita who really try to hold onto this fact. I like to think of Wichita as Topeka's older brother. The dirty older brother who smuggles in drugs and smells like smoke and hangs out with a lot of minorities, that's Wichita. I've seen a smoke shop on every corner, a car in every front yard, and an outlet mall with stores like Payless and JC Penny's... If I see a Dollar Tree outlet I'm really gonna freak.

So what are kids like in this town? Well let me give you a quick run down of the questions I've been asked today...

"Is this a sleepover college?"
Um. What. What the hell does this even mean? As opposed to non "sleepover" colleges?

"Do you like have medical classes?"
Hmm. As deceiving as it might seem, as I stand up here in a chefs jacket promoting culinary, no. No, our school does not have "medical classes."

And what does a medical class mean to you, I so badly wanted to axsk dis girl. I'm assuming if the medical classes fall through she'll go with option two and just become a lawyer instead. Somewhere along the lines every ghetto child alive received a motivational speech from their cracked out uncle to become either a doctor or lawyer when they grow up.

"You got sports teams?"
Again, I realize the confusion, but no, this specific art college does not have collegiate sports. Try Argosy.

"I ain't know my address?"
Is this a question, or a statement? Because neither would really apply to me. Although I'm obviously impressive with my knife skills, I'm not so impressive regarding knowing the addresses of people I've never met.

"Which program would be body piercing?"
Another great question. Try Argosy.

"So like, you from the Food Network?"
Yes. Yes, I am. And today I just decided to take a break from working for a major television company to come to Wichita, Kansas to make food for all of you litte thugs. Isn't that fun?

The last class was so disrespectful I had no other choice but to just stop what I was doing right in the middle and tell them it was time for me to leave. The teacher had obviously stopped paying attention as well because five minutes later when she looked up and I was all packed to go she asked,

"Oh, are you done already?"

To which I replied,

"Yup. Gotta get back to the Food Network."

And I turned and left. I was about to say I "got the hell out of Wichita," but last time I used that phrase about an awful town was in September 2009, and that town was Topeka. I would hate to jinx myself again so I'm gonna refrain.

But today I realized I've become somewhat of the travel writer I've always aspired to be. It's just that rather than going to boring old restaurants and theme parks when in a new town I simply choose to visit high schools and grocery stores instead. I guess I'm kinda like the Samantha Brown of the Midwest. Visiting one shitty town at a time. Next stop tomorrow: Leavenworth, Kansas. Home to the United States Penitentiary. Wish me luck.

Girl Walks Into a Bar.

Monday, March 28, 2011

For as much as I love Fridays, I loathe Mondays just as equally. I'm not claiming to be alone in this boat, I know we all hate Mondays. I just especially hate them. I hate them even more when I wake up and it's the last week of March but it looks more like the dead of January outside. It's so much easier to wake up to birds chirping and green grass and blue skys, especially when I have to leave the house at 6 a.m. Yup, today's been a doozy. I'm giving six presentations, which is like suicide, even more so on a Monday. I've almost let my knife slip and cut my finger off at least five times today. It's so tempting.

So the past few weeks I've been making an extra effort to see the good in Topeker. I really have. I enjoy the new neighborhood I walk Harlow in, and I like... The dog park close by... And I know there was something else I liked I just can't think of it right now. But I've decided Peker just doesn't like me. Here I am trying to be nice and then last weekend she goes and pulls a real nasty stunt on me, really hits me below the glitter belt if you know what I mean. So after the KU game on Friday Chris and I invited our city friends (Alan and Sara) to come hang out in Peker. We had every intention of showing them the town. In the beginning everything was going great. We were hanging at a real cool place called Jeremiah Bullfrogs, original name I know. And let me tell ya, the crowd was young, probably the most young people Chris and I had ever seen in Peker, granted the "young people" seemed to have gotten dressed in 1998, but it didn't matter. I've always been a secret fan of light frayed denim with pointy toed heels, I feel like it says "hey, I'm here for a good time, but I also like to wear my work shoes out at night." But anyway, we were all feeling good, we're taking shots in our own little corner, telling stories, just having a nice time. And in this bar Sara and I felt like beauty queens, and not just because of our stylish clothes (like dark denim and shirts that don't involve wearing a lace undershirt hanging out underneath it) but because we probably were the best looking people in there. If you think I'm being conceited I invite you to this bar, check it out for yourself and you too will walk away forgetting all insecurities. It must have been a K State reunion or something.

Somewhere in the night we lost Alan, but if you know Alan Flynn this really shouldn't be a surprise to you. We found him in the dance room, and if you know Alan Flynn this really shouldn't be a surprise to you. Yes, this bar had it's own dance floor. Think the back bar at the Rail meets the Boom Boom Room at the Hawk with the guys from Swam People occupying the dance floor. What the hell, dancing sounded like fun so Chris, Sara and I jumped in. We weren't on the floor for more than two minutes when I saw this little sawed off ginger blatantly shove into Chris.

Ginger: "Hey, you pushed me."

Chris keeps dancing, he has no idea. I however, see exactly what's going on. Ginger nudges Chris again.

Ginger: " I said, why did you push me asshole?"

Now Chris turns around, completely unaffected and yet completely polite.

Chris: "No I didn't, sorry though. Musta been a mistake."

But this little douche was obviously looking for trouble, I mean he clearly just pushed Chris because Chris stood out in this bar like a golf fan would at a Nascar race. Chris remained completely cool even as the little SOB continued to get in his face, just begging for a fight. Chris isn't an idiot. Getting into a bar fight would not reflect the best upon his job. But I figured it didn't mean shit for my job so when Chris walked away I thought it be best I give that little guy a piece of my mind.

"Hey you, you little douche bag. You know my boyfriend never pushed you, but I wish I would have. But I have a personal rule not to pick on red haired, white trash who look like a 12 year old version of Seth Green with a gimp."

Or something along those line. Very mature, I know. So now I was just as bad as he was. It's not like I have a temper when I drink, just an appetite usually. But for some reason this little squirrel monkey just really got to me. Lucky for me, this guy wasn't trashy enough to hit me. But that would have shut me up for sure, instead he just ran his mouth off as I continued to hit him back with the most ridiculous comebacks ever. Things I thought were brilliant, but I'm sure were just as stupid as his were. Our night ended earlier than it should have to ensure a fight wouldn't break out, most likely between me and anyone I felt was looking at me wrong. Once I started to get just a tad fiesty it only increased and I was suddenly ready to run my mouth off to anyone... I guess you could say the Topeker in me came out. Yes, I said it, and I'm not proud of it but that could be the only explanation.

I just really hate that rude, small town mentality. Small town girls get snatchy when someone new comes to their territory, and small town guys do the exact same thing. The second they sense an outsider their protective instincts kick into the place and they're suddenly ready to picks fights and throw snotty looks. It's pathetic. But uh, other than that it was a really great weekend. And now I'm really hoping this week goes by fast because this weekend I have the pleasure of attending Knox's Baptism! How very exciting, I was thrilled to hear he has been accepted into the Catholic heaven, and at such a young age. It's a real honor, we catholics only accept the best of the best. I'm really keeping my fingers crossed that the Baptism goes well and Knox makes a good impression on the priest so he could have the chance to be invited to join the secret society of altar boys. They keep accepting boys younger and younger these days, priests say it has something to do with getting the boys when they are nice and fresh, at a very impressionable age I suppose. That's Catholicism for ya, always thinking about the children.

Thank God It's Facebook Friday!

Friday, March 25, 2011

Oh how I love Fridays. I especially love Fridays when I get to arrive at a high school the exact time that every other teenager does. Parking lots are the best, it’s so cute how parents just think they can stop wherever they please to make sure little Johnny gets inside okay and that silly Susie didn’t forget her lunch. But what’s that? Oh shoot, Susie did forget her lunch, so now mom and Suz are gonna conversate over it for a little while longer it seems. Nevermind the line of traffic behind their Subaru that has the adorable stick-ons on the back window that shows the family as stick figurines doing different activities- Mom the cook, Johnny the football player, Suz the cheerleader, and Dad the adulter. The problem must be solved now, as the license plate says she is one “BZEMOM.” What with all of her cooking and buying car décor. Nothing screams busy mom more than a personalized license plate.

Beyond that, school hallways in the morning are fun, as well. Kids just love to gather and stand in herds in the middle of a very small hallway and just hang out and like oh my god, like talk about like, what she said last night, and like how messed up it was, and like gross. So do I take pleasure in barreling through their herds with my cooler and suitcase rolling over their little toesys and bumping them over to side? Perhaps. Yeah, I guess you could say I kinda like it. One might even call it my morning game. Cooler Wars. I try to see how many kids I can mow over, or knock to the side. They get all pissed but by the time they turn around I’m gone. If I’m still within earshot I’ll scream “sorry, my bad!” over my back, which is always followed by a much different response under my breath. I can’t help it though, mornings are tough for me.

But today is Friday. And that’s all that matters. TGIFF. Thank God It’s Facebook Friday. On Fridays my mini is always ten times more busy than usual, which is good because I need to do something during my odd breaks in between classes. Yup the Book buzzes today. I predict statuses will be about basketball games, duh, spring break being over, obvs, and… the weather. “What Snow?! Only in Nebraska!” No, actually it’s in Missouri, Kansas, Minnesota, and Illinois to name a few. It’s really not just Nebraska. “What the hell Duke? I could do better.” I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say you probably couldn’t, I’m gonna go even further out and bet you probably didn’t even play in highschool, middle school is when you were put on the B team and your parents decided from there it wasn’t going to work. “Went from Vegas to this? Can I please go back?” No, you can’t. In fact you probably won’t be back in Vegas for a very long time. Shit gets real after college. Sorry. Whoaaa there, I’m sounding like Negative Nancy I just realized. I’m really not in that foul of a mood, I’m only kidding. I should take another go at this.

“What Snow?! Only in Nebraska!” You’re right! Nebraska is hands down the craziest state for weather! Hurricanes, earthquakes, monsoons, shhha right! Snow in March takes the cake.

“What the hell Duke? I could do better!” You could! Why oh why aren’t you there? Damn that prior obligation you had of Frolf at 4:00 p.m.

“Went from Vegas to this? Can I please go back?” Yes, you can.... I really don’t have anything else for this one. It is what it is.

Again, I’m not shy about the fact I’m entertained by status updates. I make fun because I am no better. At least ten times a day I have to stop myself from wanting to update a quick tid bit for the Fb world to see and hopefully (fingers crossed) comment on. But to be truthful, I don’t feel that the playing field is all that equal. For starters, just because of the fact that I don’t have kid I’m missing out on a lot of good updates. Sure I borrow Knox from time to time, but it’s not the same, I only see him at his best. Sick baby updates are a sure bet, toss in a pic of the sick baby and that’s gonna double the comments. All I’m saying is that sometimes I don’t think it’s fair that I don’t have a kid to expose on Facebook for my benefit. Even just a sonogram does the trick I’ve noticed. I love sonograms, what’s more beautiful than looking at someones insides? Profile pic worthy fo sho. The beauty of your first child is truly captured in that first grainy pic that always seems to look like the mom is pregnant with either a string of Oscar Meyer weiners or a really big cocktail olive resting under a sunset. But I digress.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, happy Friday. Why is it that it always takes the longest to get to this day. If the anticipation wasn’t so much I don’t think I would feel the need to always drink so much today. Enjoy the basketball games, enjoy the weather, and don’t think about the fact that Rebecca Black is now a 13 year old millionaire thanks to her insightful song “Friday” and the millions of hits it gets everyday just for being recognized as the “worst song ever.” God love our country, where the rich get richer, and the stupid get richer right alongside them.

It's dump time!

Thursday, March 24, 2011

I've spent the day in the quaint little town of Weston, Missouri. My job just takes me to the coolest places I am so spoiled! I've heard it's good luck to purchase lottery tickets when you're out of town so naturally I picked up a few at the gas station on the way in. Although DeLores, the gas station attendant, informed me I wouldn't be winning because she is going to win. She was a real sweetheart, in the end we agreed that if either of us win we'd have to split it with each other. I'd like to see the breakdown for which states buy the most lotto tickets. I have a feeling the Midwest would totally dominate. When I purchased a ticket in Scottsdale (only because it's good luck to buy out of town) the attendant kinda laughed at me I thought, like she didn't think I was serious. It was kind of rude, but I'm assuming people must not buy lotto tickets too frequently in Paradise Valley. Their loss.

Speaking of Arizona, which I am completely over by the way, I'm definitely back to loving life in Peker. But anyway, back in AZ I remember someone asking about the photo I have up on this site. Yes, the Saltines were a snack I was munching on, but they were also a snack I was bringing out to feed Freddy and Sally. Freddy and Sally being the pet squirrels I often fed as a little girl. And you know what, I never realized this was just a little bit weird until I heard myself saying it out loud to one of Tye's Arizona guests. Pet squirrels named Freddy and Sally...What is more back woods than this? Why did my dad tame squirrels and then encourage Jordan and I to feed them Oreos and crackers I wonder. The more I think about some of my childhood memories the more clear it becomes to me why I live in Topeker. Another for instance being the delight I used to take in going to the dump with my dad and brother. I'm talking about the Northeast, Nebraska land fill. I loved it. Every once in a while my dad would bag all of the sticks, leaves, excess grass, ext and take it out to the dump and if Jordan and I were lucky we got the pleasure to go along. When I think about this I picture my dad in overalls calling out,

"Alright kiddies... its dump time!!!"

And then Jordan and I come running out from inside the house (both in overalls) screaming yee haw and woo dogs and jump into the bed of the pickup.

Granted my dad never wore overalls or drove a pickup. Jordan loved his overalls though, the red ones in the picture are probably his old ones. But this is always how I picture it. So now every time I drive by a land fill, like I did today en route to Weston, I've got a little soft spot for them. Many a fond memories spent at the dump. I worry that kids today won't have the luxury of being able to play at dumps. People are just so over sensitive, they'd probably be afraid of silly hygiene issues. But I know I went straight for the pile of broken glass and needles and I turned out okay. And this was back in the late 80s, early 90s when Aids was at its peak. Even in Norfolk. Many people don't realize Norfolk was in the top ten communities for Aids breakouts. I mean this hasn't ever been proved per say, but I remember a lot of creepy skinny kids in kindergarten who I'm pretty sure had the hiv. Let's just say they were on my DTL in kindygrade, that's my DONT TOUCH LIST, and DONT TOUCH MY TOYS LIST. But anyway, that's the history behind the picture. I've been toying with the idea of going back to that haircut. A little shag/mullet would be nice and cool for summer I think. We'll see.

Alright well one more presentation and then it's Friday for me. Thank God, this has been another long week. Like Rebecca Black says, "it's Friday, friday, Friday. Not Thursday. But Friday." If you haven't checked this video out yet please do so. It's awesome. I already can't wait to play it again tomorrow. It's on my Friday playlist, right before Ke$ha and right after Avril's "What the Hell."

The Wonder Years

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

I think it's safe to say that yesterday could have gone a lot better. My boss came to town to "observe" me on account of the fact I've been on her radar lately because of my "low numbers." Not sure why I put those words in quotes but it just felt right. Again, my "bosses" just can't grasp the fact that my lower than normal numbers are still a correlation from the 15 snowdays in January. I'm happy to report But I am back on track for the month of March. Apparently it doesn't matter, I still got the pleasure of having a fun filled day of awkwardness yesterday with the bossmanlady. Picture being in interview mode all damn day because that's pretty much how it was. I attempted to make a joke and order a mimosa at breakfast and she nearly fired me on the spot. So I went with a bloody instead.

So how does a circus monkey get observed you might wonder. Well it's a very in depth and complicated process. My boss sits in the back corner of one of my classes with a little pad and pen and takes very detailed notes about me while I stand up in front of the room and tap dance and juggle balls of fire for the little highschoolys. It's a very nerve wracking situation. I mean this is my professional life, what if I don't talk about the importance of food styling well enough? Or what if I forget to show a very important animation? If I forget to mention an open house I might as well just walk out the door. All the while I have to smile and joke and make sure everything is spot on with the presentation. So what did I do? Well I basically blacked out in front of everyone, and not the fun kind of Lincoln blacking out, but the kind of black out you do when you forget how to do the most simple things ever, like how to press play in Microsoft Powerpoint, or "Start from Current Slide." The pressure just got to me I think. I literally just froze and didn't know how to work the computer. I felt like Kevin Arnold should have been narrating my life at that moment,

"It was then, as I was standing in front of the entire class when my mind just went blank. I had no idea what to do as twenty pairs of eyes just stared at me. I could only do my best to mumble out a few words and just go on with what I had. It was one of those moments that I couldn't remember a thing, but I knew I would never forget."

Where are the Wonder Years when you need them. All I did was just fumble around and get all red and hot and tell the class,

"Uh sorry, I just can't figure this out, I'm pretty nervous because my supervisor is here watching me. Yeah, right there in the back."

And the whole class turned to look at her. She waved like she thought it was humorous, but later on I learned it wasn't so comical to her after all. After the disastrous class I had a three hour meeting with her at Mimis Cafe. But I found it very difficult to concentrate on her critiques of me while sitting in a restaurant that's covered in the most bizzare shit ever. I mean the place is decorated to make you feel like you're on vacation in New Orleans, I was buzzed just sitting there. I couldn't stop staring at the trumpet on the wall behind my bosse's head. What was it doing there? Could it still be played? If my boss just lifted her head a tiny bit would her words be echoed through the instrument? I wonder if Kenz enjoyed her first Mardi Gras living in New Orleans, better yet did she get a lot of beads? I warned her not to get involved with that. But yeah, I was distracted. We might as well have eaten at the Rainforest Cafe, at least I could have come away with a cool Tshirt.

From what I gathered though, I need to work on my "close" and my "transitions." She didn't approve of my "various things such as" phrase I use to segue into everything. I'll get right on that... Did I mention I just have 36 days of work left until summer? It's true. Don't worry, I'll make sure and post it all over my Fb so no one forgets when I am officially done. The countdown is on.

Cedar Rapids

Monday, March 21, 2011

Nice weather makes me incredibly happy. And it also makes me want to drink. I want to grill out and drink beer. I want to go to happy hours and sit on patios. I want to drink sangria by a fire pit. Unfortunately most of these activities require friends. And as much as I beg Chris he won't leave work early to join me for a drink in the afternoon even if it's 75 degrees out and the sun is shining. He really needs to get his priorities in check if you ask me. I mean this nice weather isn't going to last forever, we need to take advantage of it while we can. It's starting to remind me of the good ol days outside. Like last May when I went on a 23 day drinking binge right at the beginning of summer. But then Jade had to go and ruin all of the fun because she found out she was "pregnant" and didn't want to drink with me anymore. But hey, guess what else is just around the corner I thought of? Spring game 2011! I missed it last year but I'm pretty sure the patio at the Bar is already calling my name for this year. Mmmmm I can already taste a nice cool Bloody with a little Party in the USA on the side. If there's one thing I love just as much as Nebraska Football games it's fake Nebraska football games in the spring time. Everybodys a winner.

So over the weekend Chris and I decided to take a break from the 86 straight hours of basketball we had been watching to go to the movie Cedar Rapids. I loved it. I don't know why but I always seem to love those off the wall flicks that take place in real life small towns with relatively ugly main characters who get involved in normal situations that always seem to end up with someone smoking pot or someone swimming naked in an indoor pool. Cedar Rapids did not let me down. Give me John C Reilly in a film any day and I'll probably be entertained. Make him an arrogant insurance sales man who has the mouth of a perverted 16 year old boy and he's even better.

And if you've ever had to travel for work convetions you're probably going to be just as entertained. From the after hours get-togethers at the hotel bar, to the slutty business women who view work meetings as their time to cut loose away from the kids to the cheesey sales guys who hit on them, but especially the bull shit award ceremony at the end of it all. Cedar Rapids covered it all. This movie took me back to last summer when I was trapped in Chicago with my fellow coworkers for a three day work extravaganza. Although let me remind you I'm that quiet loner worker who doesn't really talk to anyone but instead chooses to drink alone in my room at night. But if my work convention was with people like Dean Ziegler and Tim Lippe I would probably come out a little more. Could you have better names for these guys in the movie? Probably not. I'm still not sure what the moral of the story was, if there even was one. Then again, I suppose it did teach me not to go to a country party in Iowa with a prositute you don't know while smoking something out of a glass pipe.

All in all, it was a good weird comedy. But if you're one of those people who watches it and thinks it's a dull movie with no plot don't blame me. I can't help it if you don't have a sense of humor, I'd suggest you stick to films with Seann William Scott.

For all of the Little Monsters

Friday, March 18, 2011

It was around 2:00 p.m. yesterday when I was on a walk with Harlow when my mom called me and said,

"Do you want to go to Gaga?"

"Like as in tonight?"

"Yes. Jade's friend has two more tickets, we can go."

I thought about it for about two seconds. But then I thought about the green dye I had just purchased for the green beers I was going to drink all by myself in about two hours and I decided I would be responsible and turn down a ticket to Gaga which would obviously lead to too many cocktails which would lead to another Friday of me not working. Mistake number one.

Never turn down a free ticket to Gaga. And never work on a Friday. What was I thinking? Who in their right mind passes up a chance like this? It's not every day you get to see an 8 year old cross dresser. Or a 40 year old man in a two piece dress with the sparkly white wig. What about the lesbian 13 year olds dressed in meat suits? I really dropped the ball on this one. I know this much. If there's two things I love in this world it's animals dressed as humans and little kids dressed as adults (whorish adults even, I don't care I think it's entertaining.) I missed all of this and more. I wouldn't have even had to go inside the concert and I'm sure I would have had a ball of a time just staring (judging) everybody else in attendance.

My sources tell me that Westboro was even there. Yeah, this was definitely the straw that BrokebackMountain the camels back for me. To think I could have gotten a ride with them! That was a big reason I didn't go, I didn't want to have to a. drive alone or b. not be able to drink while I drive. If I would have saddled up with the Westboros they could have solved both of my problems. I've seen their red van covered in hate messages, it's pretty roomy, I'm quite sure they could have fit one more. I would have even thrown in for gas, it's so expensive right now! This is just another reason as to why I hate this church. They're such frauds. Puhleassse taking off on a Thursday night to go "protest" a Gaga concert, now this is just getting downright frivolous. Yeah right. Why do I have a feeling "Marcus" the young 19 year old boy who was unfortunately born into this church, who is also just a little bit light in his shoes if you know what I mean, was behind this one. I imagine the church meeting for this one might have gone something like this...

Pastor Fred: "Alright we need to decide where we're gonna protest this week, who does God hate most right now. Any ideas?"

Church member #1: "Post office? Police Station? Court house?"

Church member #2: "Libya? Japan?"

Pastor Fred: "We were just there last week. C'mon people think. I'm so tired of protesting the same places. Let's get creative here."

Marcus: (feel free to add a lisp if you'd like) "I have an idea.I uh, well a little birdy told me that Lady Gaga might be having a fierce concert close by in Omaha, Nebraska."

Pastor Fred: "Lady whodeewhat? Speak up Marcus, we can't hear ya in the back. And take off that damn hat, you look like a Methodist."

Marcus: "Lady Gaga. You know that killer singer who always wears the mammoth sparkle induced high heels and the most frilly gorgeous gowns you'd ever see. She's to die!... I mean she needs to die. All those nasty gay peeps like her. We should totes go there. I'll volunteer to rep us."

And then the church praises sweet spikey haired Marcus for his good idea and the rest is history, they show up at Gaga with their disgusting signs that show images of what they believe gay people do to each other, which coincidentally enough, were also drawn by Marcus when he's all alone in his room at night. This is all just speculation of course.

But I sincerely hope all of you little monsters had a great time at the concert last night. Gaga is hands down, the most talented hermaphrodite I have ever seen. I only hope she comes near this necks of the woods again in the future and I might have the opportunity to experience her show once and for all. And if not, I will just go to Missy B's in downtown Kansas City and try to catch their after hours show, which everybody knows features the best looking 6 foot, 200 lb women in all of KC.

Happy weekend, and don't feel bad if you're lucky enough to get to have a drink early today, because you know what they say, it's always 2:00 somewhere.

St. Patricks in Topeker

Thursday, March 17, 2011

I slipped into a food coma last night around 6:30 p.m. I'm not even kidding, it was a full on chicken pasta/queso chips food induced comatose sleep. It's taken much longer than normal to get over this past weekend. I thought the rule of thumb was that is only takes half the number of days you were drinking to get over the hangover. Or maybe that's the rule for a relationship/breakup. Who knows, I've had a helluva lot more hangovers than I've had breakups. Once again though, I fail to understand why it's only the bride and groom who gets the luxury of a honeymoon. I can't help but think of Tye and Zach on the white beaches of Saint Lucia as I struggle to get out of bed in the morning and motivate myself to put on my Chefs jacket and black Chuck Taylors. It's been more degrading than usual this week. I've been pulling my cooler just a little bit slower into schools, my knife skills have been less than par. But such is life right now, all I can do is put on my Chef pants one leg at a time like every other person. I have to look myself in the mirror every morning and say, "You can do this! Today is going to be a great day. I am going to be the best culinary recruiter I can be. I am not going to try to cut off my finger in hopes I will get disability for a month."

The adjustment from my fake Arizona life to my real Topeker life has been more difficult than I accounted for. I no longer look out my window to see a shiney blue pool sitting beneath desert mountains. Nope, now I look out and see a long stretch of grassless backyards full of dogs. The scenery is less than appealing around here right now. I'm just going to have to learn to appreciate the small things. Like yesterday for instance, I was able to vacuum my entire house from the same outlet, I didn't have to change it once. Betcha can't do that in Arizona. I just hope this nice weather can pull me out of my funk. It's supposed to be 80 degrees here today. What delightful weather for this fake drunken holiday. Let's reflect for a second on St. Patricks Days of the past, I've had some pretty good ones. In 2006 it was spent in South Padre, 2007 Acapulco, 2008 Paris, 2009 San Fran, 2010 St. Louis and now 2011 in Peker. What a lucky girl I am, at this rate I can only imagine where I will be next year. Scottsbluff, Nebraska? Manhattan, Kansas? Who knows, the possibilities are endless! I am sure tonights St. Pattys will be a bit more tame than usual, but that's fine with me. I'll just spend it how I spent New Years Eve, creeping on Facebook on all the people who feel it necessary to "check in" at every bar they stop at. It's my way of living through others on fun nights when I choose to stay home. I for one love the check in option on Fb, because God knows it was so difficult to actually type it out in your status, now it's so much easier to tell everyone where we are by just clicking, actual directions included even. I for one would hate to bar hop all over the place and accidentally forget to check in somewhere the moment I arrive, it would be like forgetting to RSVP, to people you don't know. So just in case I forget tonight, I'll be "checking in" at home. You know just in case you were wondering. I might also "check in" at Arbys, just depends how the night goes. Why not take it a step further and add the option of telling everyone what you are drinking or eating, as well. If the Facebook world gets to know where you are, why not tell us what you're doing there too. Nothing should be left unsaid if you ask me.

I'll tell ya one thing the warm weather has caused around here, it's caused the Westboro creeps to come crawling out of their satanic hole more often. I've seen them twice now. Yesterday they were holding signs that featured two happy male Leprechauns doing male things to each other. The caption wasn't nearly as friendly. Maybe if I have enough green beers tonight I'll get the courage to march outside their church with the numerous clever posters I've created in my head. If you see me "check in" at Westboro tonight you'll know why.

Bach Edish- Brad Chooses... The one he can't have.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

I started last nights episode a little late so I fast forwarded through a bit of the start. When I began watching Brad was already hysterical. So did I miss something? Is one of his family memebers dying? Or... Or is there another reason as to why Brad was sobbing like a little girl scout upon seeing their arrival? I mean he didn't just tear up, he completely lost it. And since I'm being insensivitve, I'll just go ahead and ask what's going on with the little brother, Wes? How exactly does the same woman give birth to Brad and his twin, and then the next one look likes Wes? We can only assume this is the product of two dads, and is seems Wes's is Peter Griffin?

Initially, I thought Chantal knocked it out of the park with Brad's family. They were all laughing and hugging and loving on her. At one point Chantal even told Mother Brad that she loved her, she was ready to be a part of their big happy family. They seemed ready to. And then they met Emily. And the deal was officially sealed when Emmers told her plane crash story. The family, like the rest of America, had fallen under the Emily spell. So obviously all of my inside info was completely wrong. I was certain he was going to choose Chantal. We all know I think Emily is a Goddess, err strike that, thanks Charlie Sheen for ruining yet another word. I mean I think she's just really great, but after everything was said and done I can't help but think that Bradders probably made a mistake choosing Emily. Now hear me out before you scream hypocrite. I think Brad secrectly liked Chantal better, but he liked the idea of Emily more. I feel like he probably chose Emily just to make sure she'd say yes. On one hand he had Chantal, the girl who repeatedly told him she loved him, and on the other there was Emily, the one who was just a little more guarded and never actually told him he could have her. So who did he choose? The one he wasn't 100% sure he could have. Towards the end it seemed like even Emily was trying to talk Brad out of choosing her the way she kept rambling on and on about how awful it is to be mother to her little grimlin child. I don't know what's wrong with this kid, but according to Emily she often throws up at 3 a.m., she has frequent stops to the emergency room, and her head spins all the way around. Did anyone check and see if Emily's real last name is Rose? Is this the child of Satan at home? Welcome to daddyhood Brad.

I will say this, Chantal's heartbreak was pretty painful to watch. If you watch it in slow motion you can literally see her heart breaking. I wanted to rewind it over and over again but Chris wouldn't let me. And did anyone else find Emily to be way more giggly and confident than usual at the interview show afterward? She has Brad wrapped around that gorgeous little finger of her's and she knows it. Brad was on the verge of tears and Emily was just smiling and giggling the entire time. Maybe the tabloids are right, this was all just a part of her little game. Maybe she is just a manipulator and a liar in seek of fame... Wow. She is good. So good. But whatevs, I'm over it. Next show. I'm just hoping the next Bachelor is Chantal's dad.

They Got Hitched!

Sunday, March 13, 2011

I woke up with an unusually minty taste in my mouth. I'll be honest, it's not often I remember to brush after a long night of drinking so naturally I was a little proud of myself. And did I say long night? Because I actually meant long four long days of constant drinking. What else did my responsible drunk self do I wondered... And then it all started to come back to me. What a fool I was to think I was tasting tooth paste, it was Rumplemintz that was still lingering. Somebody must have snuck into my room in the night and poured that awful drink down my throat. And that same sneaky bastard ate all of the food from the goody bags Tye gave us and then had the audacity to throw the empty wrappers into my bed! No wonder I was sleeping in Brownie and chip crumbs. Disgusting. And now The Bridesmaid dress I chose to sleep in (only because I just wasn't quite ready to let go of the fact that my day as a BM was actually over) is covered in food and beverage stains. I don't know who spilled on me so many times but I know it wasn't me. But I'm getting ahead of myself here, let's go back to yesterday morning when the fun was just getting started.

Saturday, March 12th 2011. 
A day that will forever live in infamy. It started at 8:45 a.m. when Brady picked up Kate and I at the Westin Resort to take us over to the Godbout Resort for hair and makeup. I was excited, but mostly hungover/still drunk from the night before. But I knew I'd be fine, I was treating the Wedding day like a game day, there's no harm in starting a day drunk as long as you end the day in the same manner.

At the house Tye surprised all of us with very cute pink bathrobes from Victorias Secret. Although I regret to say I have already lost mine, but I'm quite sure it was stolen. I don't want to point fingers, but Nate Swift put it on as a "joke" but I could tell he seriously liked it. Same goes for the heels he "borrowed" of mine... But anywho, our hair and makeup was done by stylists flown in from LA. I was nervous at first because I am very picky about what type of makeup I use and I didn't see any Maybelline or Bonnie Bell lipsmackers in the mix. But Tye said they knew what they were doing and I should just go with it. So it took her about an hour to clean up and polish the hungover mess that was my face yesterday, but I tell you what, when she was finally finished and I looked in the mirror I thought I looked like the most beautiful drag queen I had ever seen. Not to be arrogant, but I could have given Patrick Swayze in Tu Wong Fu a run for his money. If that's not the most underrated movie then I don't know what is. Birdcage maybe. But anyway, it's a sad day when you realize you cant pull of the "makeup look." But after my face was all painted it was time for hair. I wanted something simple, just a loose mess of hair in the back and a few wavy strands in front. When it was finished I really liked it at first. But after standing next to all of the other BMs in our matching dresses I realized all of their hair looked much more celebrity chic and glamorous, while mine looked rodeo queen fancy. Damn it, I screwed up again! Like Kim always says, you can take the girl out of Norfolk but you can't take the Norfolk out of the girl. What can you do.

The wedding planners were right there with us every step of the way, as was a photographer, and video crew, and more assistants, I felt like the only person missing was Jennifer Lopez. It certainly took a lot of people to pull off this incredible event that's for sure. But you know what they say, a Godbout Wedding wasn't built in a day. And these people were professional, like little mics in their ears professional. Tye could have asked for a dragon tooth and they would have figured out how to get it for her in under five minutes and also have it stamped with a "Tye and Zach 2011" label.

We headed to PVCC around 2:30 ish for pictures. What? You don't know what PVCC is? Paradise Valley Country Club, duh. It was as I expected it would be, I suppose it was nice, I mean if you're into gorgeous scenery and lavish decor. The photographer took a ton of photos! The dress photographed amazing, my hair kinda tamed down a bit and really everything just came together to look gorgeous, and she also managed to get a few of Zach and Tye as well. They did the typical football poses, my favorite was when Zach tackled Tye as hard as he could for a cool live action shot. I've never seen a girl hit the ground so hard before. It was also cute when Zach and Clay were tossing Tye back and fourth like an actual football, she was such a good sport the way she would just sort of tuck and roll.

Pretty sure I don't even have to say it because everybody knew Tye would look amazing, but Tye looked amazing. Zach too looked beautiful, he had that groom glow to him. And brides-to-be everywhere will be giving up carbs this week after her pictures start to pop up on Facebook. Her dress, her hair, her makeup, everything was simply stunning. Let's just say that these next few days on Facebook wont be the easiest for any of Zach's ex girlfriends. It's always a little weird when your ex gets married (I've heard anyway, I've never had an ex boyfriend to know personally) but imagine seeing the guy you thought you were going to marry have a wedding like Zach and Tye's. And to a bride that looks just like the model on the cover of a bridal magazine. I would just advise the exs to not even look at the pictures. It will just lead to unnecessary pain and self esteem issues. No matter how hard you creep you will not be able to find a single flaw from this wedding. The flowers, the music, the cocktails, the mountains, Beth even managed to arrange for absolutely perfect weather.
I told you those Godbouts are powerful people,
 even God knew better than to step out of line for this one.

The reception was exactly how I hoped it would be, a packed dance floor of guests young and old doing all of my favorite awkward wedding moves. We've got the classic twist move, the toe taps, the reach and grab, and my personal favorite, the dumbell curl. Everybody was boogying and having a great time. It was one very good looking dance floor.

So touché Godbouts and Potters on throwing not only an incredibly gorgeous wedding, but a wedding that was an all around great time. From start to finish I found myself just wanting it all to slow down,
so please feel free Godbouts/Potters to invite me to more of your family weddings in the future because I would really enjoy that. Especially if you have as many open bar nights as you did this weekend!

And just a little advice to Kate and William for their upcoming wedding, good luck topping this one.
Good luck.

The GodPot Fun Continues

Friday, March 11, 2011

Because when you're Tyeler Godbout and Zach Potter your wedding guests aren't just normal wedding guests (please continue to read with MTV Cribs narrator English accent in mind) They certainly are not. Upon check in at the Westin Resort in beautiful Scottsdale, Arizona guests are  greeted with not just a room key, oh no, but with complimentary gift bags, as well. A David Yurman ring for the female guests and Cartier watches for the men. Football fans? Well get excited, every guest was given an autographed life size photo of Zach in his Jaguar jersey.  Baby on board? Not at this wedding. The couple has banned any children from attending the event. Upon arrival, any guests with children were immediately escorted off the grounds. This bride will not take any chances of a crying toddler ruining her moment. The moment the bride walks down the aisle and all attention is turned to her, and by "walk" I mean carried, as Tyeler is choosing to be brought in by six Arabian men. She said she is going for My Super Sweet 16 meets Say Yes to the Dress. A modern twist on an old tradition, love it!

But seriously, I feel like this weekend is Christmas and the closer it gets to the actual day the more I don't want it to already end. The weather has been amazing, yesterday was spent poolside with a drink in hand. The night was spent at Tye's with two drinks in hand. And the late night was spent with delicious, but completely unnecessary In N Out burgers in hand. Not a bad day here in Paradise Valley, Arizona.  I sure like Zach, but I'm not gonna sit here and pretend that I wouldn't be excited to come back here in say ten years for Godbout wedding number two if things just don't work out. I'm not hoping this happens by any means, I'm just saying I wouldn't mind it if it did... I'm kidding! But seriously.

We all just finished pedis and manis at the resort. Tye insisted we spell out Tye & Zach '11 on our toes in jewels. Kinda different I thought, but I'm not about to say anything to Bridezilla. Poor Su Lin almost got fired after Tye freaked out her French manicure was too thick. It was intense. But now it's  just a few hours and we will be en route to the Paradise Valley Country Club for a quick rehearsal. Tye wants to make sure all of the safety nets and trapeze ropes are set just right for the big show. Like I said, this wedding gets crazier all the time. Nothing really surprises me at this point. Rumor around the resort is that GaGa might be the entertainment. Strictly hearsay though. I'll keep you updated on the GodPot extravaganza as it continues to unfold.

The GodPot Weekend is Here!

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Tye and Zach are going to the chapel... And they're gonna get marr-er-ried. And of course when I say chapel I mean Country Club, which in Arizona is basically one in the same. Everybody worships in their own way. But really I'm no stranger to Country Clubs, I've been a member of the elite Norfolk CC since I was born. Couldn't be that different, I mean besides the fact in AZ they might not have just a rotation of three-four workers filling the role of whatever job is necessary for the day like at NCC. But I like the fact that one day Tammy is my bartender and the next day she's giving golf lessons. Not sure I believe she has her life guard license like she often pretends to, but whatever, teach your kids to swim.

But back to the matter at hand: the GodPot Wedding extravaganza. Unless you've been living under a Facebook rock, you know exactly what I'm talking about. The day when Zach and Tye become one, a unit, hubby and wife til death do they part. If TLC was making a show about them it would be called Little Wife Big Husband.  If Bravo was making a show it would be called The Real Housewife of Jacksonville, the Caucasian version. But call it what you want, this event has been months in the making. Ashley Wergin has literally been counting the seconds for this weekend for nine months now. She's had her first grade students sewing a martial blanket every single day until their fingers bleed. Tyeler has personally bought out every single white dress Nordstroms has ever owned for showers and parties and whatever else brides-to-be have to attend.  And Zach, well this guy has filled the role of groom, consultant, wedding planner, stylist, ext. Tye says he has been the go-to guy regarding everything from flower choice, to center pieces, to chair covers, he apparently even chose the Bridesmaid dresses. Tye said he has "a vision," and she just has to stick to it because he's been planning every detail of his dream wedding for as long as he can remember. Who would have ever thought? Zach Potter. So adorable. 

I feel like it was just yesterday Tye was in the initial crush stage of this relationship. Creeping on Zach's Facebook all the time, driving by his house to see if he's home, tapping his phone line- you know all the cute things girls do in the start of a new relationship. And then there were the times in Spanish class sophomore year when Zach and Tye would constantly flirt like ten year olds causing our teacher, Celeste, to legitimately get mad because she too had such a crush on Zach. Pretty sure Tye is damn thankful today that Zach chose her over a 40 year old Spanish woman who said yes like "ghesh" and didn't shave her legs or mustache.  What can you say, it's just fate these two are together. It's all a part of His plan. Yup, that Tom Osborne is a real planner.  He knew that if Zach Potter ended up with a Spanish woman there would be a good chance he'd end up living in Spain, so I'm sure he shipped Ms. Celeste back to ol Country the minute he got whiff of this before she could make another move. T.O. just couldn't risk the chance of losing good Nebraska athletic offspring to another country. Sure Zach and Tye might not live in Nebraska now, but I think we all know that in twenty plus years there will be little Potters continuing on the legacy at the University. Zach's size and Tye's arm will make for one helluva softball player down the road, you can't deny that. 

So it's not until tomorrow and Friday when most of the other Nebraska guests arrive. For some reason I just can't shake the image of The Beverly Hillbillies Wedding scene when all the Clampit guests arrive in Los Angeles. I know it's completely untrue, Omaha after all is a big city. We have a Trader Joes for Gods sake! But still, that image of the Clampits just brings a smile to my eye every time. God love Nebraska and the reputation we have everywhere else except in the states of South Dakota and Iowa. My weekend just wont be complete until I see at least ten people in Husker attire. Luckily, my dad gets in tomorrow. And Knox too, hopefully he's strutting the new "LaFleur" Husker  jersey Grandma L just had made for him. Nothin says team spirit more than infants dressed in personalized jerseys.

But finally, let the wedding fun begin! Tyeler and Zach, married at last. Let sorority girls all over cheer! It can really happen, a football player and a sorority girl, happily ever after! I just hope everything goes really well this weekend, which I'm sure it will. But just to be cautious, (and because I'm bored on the plane) I've come up with a quick list of what could go wrong just to be prepared.

1. Westboro shows up to protest the wedding of a couple named "Zach" and "Tyeler."

2. One of Tye's bridesmaids (probably Katherine Heigel) shows up wearing the wrong dress.

3. For some reason beyond explanation other than it happens all the time in movies, Zach ends up having to wear Brady's tuxedo.

4. The band plays Ke$ha's "Tic Toc" but forgets to play "Forever" by John Stamos.

5. Tye's Arizona friend follows through with an old threat and does indeed punch me in the face.

6. Wergin doesn't catch the bouquet.

7. Wergin does catch the bouquet.

8. Anne Hathaway sneaks in and plays a video of Tye on Spring Break for all guests to see. Acapulco '07 Tye, I'm talking "pool day."

9. Tye's special moment of putting her Wedding dress on is creeped upon by a wedding guest (Carl Pelini).

10. The best man quotes Charlie Sheen during his speech..... Or doesn't quote him, which would be worse?

I guess no matter what arises nothing will change the fact that Saturday evening Tyeler Angela Godbout will become Tyeler Angela Potter. From TAG to TAP, and that's that.

Bachelor Edition- This is so boring I want to die.

Monday, March 7, 2011

Was this episode called Women Tell All or cheap ploy to try to promote the Bachelor Pad? If I want to watch twenty F List reality show "celebs" get drunk and annoying I'll just pull out my old Laguna Beach DVDs- specifically season two starring big chinned Breanna Conrad. I'd rather watch ol Big Chin than watch Vienna prance around a pool in her nasty green swimsuit again talking about her Mustangs and her daddy back at home in the Bayou. I've seen enough of that girl to last me a lifetime. Same goes for Gia. The one and only reason I would even be slightly tempted to watch another trashy show like The Pad would be just so I could catch another glance of the lovely Rosaline. I place Rosaline in the same category that I do Michelle and Aubrey Headband Danity Kane O'Day, completely crazy but extremely entertaining.

So now on to the women- tell all-segment. And by this I mean women- fight over eachother to bitch and talk the loudest until one of them starts to cry and gets all of the attention- segment.

Did anybody else notice Ashley's makeover? I could hardly recognize that little siren! Is this a disguise I wonder? I feel like she went from dentist to superhero thanks to a good wig and red lipstick. She seems to have a whole new confidence to her and I'm loving it.

And then we spent way too much time on Melissa. Melissa the haggard 35 year old who loves her onion breath and who manages a tanning salon while bartending on the weekends at a sports bar in order to pay for her three young kids and make payments on her yellow Jeep. I think Melissa got VH1 and ABC mixed up when it came time to audition for dating shows.

Somewhere along the lines Michelle grew a heart and started to feel emotions. It was probably around the time Chris Harrison labeled himself as "big as a smart alec as anyone." Hmmm right. Michelle was all sad because she left her daughter I guess. So since Michelle left her daughter, she had to say snide things about the other women, because she left her daughter. Did Michelle mention she left her daughter? Because she felt really bad about it. But I'll be damned if the other women were going to let Michelle have this one because they weren't. Oh hell to the no. Harrison had to jump in, along with a few audience members, and tell the other ladies to shut their rude little mouths and leave innocent Michelle alone. She's just a funny, sarcastic gal who missed her daughter, cut her some slack ladies, geesh. But nooooo, Jackie the Jewish lizard just couldn't let it go. Oy vey Jackie! Get over it. Michelle was a straight up nut job the entire season but because she's dropped a few tears and talked about her daughter tonight like she's dying from cancer we all have no other choice but to forget about her shadyness and just move on.

So we move on to Ashley S. Is it a good night for the Ashleys or what?! They are both looking grrreat. But then Ashley S starts to talk and we're reminded why we'd prefer to tape her mouth shut and put a bag over her head. Too harsh? Probably, but that scratchy, twangy accent of her's is like nails on a chalkboard. I also can't tell if she just has a whiney attitude, or if that's just her voice? Or is that just an after affect of years of mental abuse from the bad relationships she's mentioned?

And then more blah blah blah, tear tear, giggle giggle, bitch, gripe and moan. Blah blah blah. Why doesn't ABC give these women drinks? Why doesn't ABC give me drinks? This was all so painful to watch. How does Chris Harrison look himself in the mirror I wonder after sitting through something like this? You imagine sitting in a room with twenty women as they all discuss and analyse to death one relationship that they were in for no more than three weeks. With the same guy. It's awful, I did it, it's called sorority meetings.

Then right at the end Brad swoops in on his white horse, but obviously has to park her backstage because technically we're not supposed to know he chooses Chantal. I'm assuming he tied her up in the green room with some carrots and peanut butter to keep her busy while he smiles and gloats on stage looking at all of the women he turned away who are still quite enthralled with him. He says he's "so happy to see all of them" and they all bat their eyelashes and secretly wonder if they still might have a chance with him.

And then the show ends because I can't stand to watch another minute of Chris Harrison acting like he's a real human attempting to play soccer and hug orphaned children like he actually cares. Let's hope next week is better, not sure it could get any worse.

Hellooooo Weekend.

Friday, March 4, 2011

TGIF. So much. This has been one of the longest weeks ever and I am so ready to be at home on my couch with a glass of wine or a beer. Maybe both. Gross? Not at all, I love double fisting Chardonnay and Michelob Ultras, it’s a nice mixture of class and trash. So why the long week you ask? Oh nothing in particular. I mean besides having the worst possible call with two of my “superiors” yesterday. It’s not that I struggle with authority, I just don’t like people telling me what to do. Tell me once, fine, I’ll get it done. But please resist the urge to micromanage me. I understand a job requires a boss, I just really don’t like them, especially when they try to act like this is a real job because it’s not. Serving Watermelon salsa to teenagers does not a job make. I also hate when bosses try to psycho analyze you, they continued to ask me on the call “what is going on with you”, “is everything okay”, “why are your numbers so low”, “why are you so different this year from last year?” Well, I’m not really sure, just go with me here, I know this sounds like a CRAZZZY idea, but perhaps it might have something to do with the ten snow days I was unable to work? No? Not a good excuse, you’re right, what was I thinking. Missing ten days of work wouldn’t affect sales numbers. So what then? Maybe I might seem different because I am just so mentally broken down from the daily abuse I face from ungrateful high school students and the way in which it has completely shattered my self worth. Nope. Not that either, that would require me to actually care. I wish I would have been just a tad more witty/drunk during this call because I would have loved for nothing more than to respond to every question with,

“My numbers are low? Yeah right, more like WINNER!”

“You think I don’t care anymore? Puh lease I’m just tired of you trolls harassing me all the time. WINNER!”

“You want to see improvement? How? How could I possibly be any better, I’m already just handing out gold like it’s candy. That’s what I do. I’m magic. WINNER!”

Yeah, that’s right. I’m still quoting Sheen. Deal with it, he’s one of the few inspirational people keeping me going right now. Well, he and the upcoming royal wedding. I just think it’s all very exciting. A wedding this grand hasn’t happened since J Lo married that Italian looking monkey. I just think they’re such a great couple, really down to earth. I’m very anxious to see how everything unfolds, I just hope for the couples sake that the paparazzi doesn’t hound the event. I mean I know the groom is used to the spotlight, he’s Zach Potter for God’s sake! He’s signed more autographs than Tommy Frazier, who let’s be honest is a pretty big deal. I’ll never forget the day he came to the Norfolk mall and my dad took me and brother to wait in line to get his autograph on a poster, it was so cool. And Jordan was just so excited when he got to step around the table and even take a photo with Zach, it was adorable! That was definitely one of my highlights of last year. But anyway, I just worry about Tye, she’s not so good with attention. She gets all red and blotchy and her eyes start to water. Hopefully Zach will be able to calm her down, or she’d probably get ready to do the walk down the aisle and turn and run when she saw everyone staring at her. Or I could also see her telling everyone to turn around and stop staring.

Regardless, it’s gonna be a great wedding. I’m making sure to bring a Sharpie in my purse because I’m thinking if I play my cards right I might be able to get Suh to sign a few things. A football signed by Suh would for sure be a hot item at the Wolfe family Christmas exchange. And I’ll probs bring a few jerseys, maybe a hat, and a pair of white Adidas shoes would be cool to have him sign too, I mean for my dad. But that’s it, I don’t want to look like an idiot or anything! Us Nebraskans have to represent the state well in front of all dem fancy Arizona people. I have a feeling this will be the most amount of Nebrasky people Arizona has ever seen at a single time. And I know what those people out there think of us and so I fully intend to shatter every preconceived notion those Snottsdale people might have. I am only bringing the best of the best looking Husker attire I own and I am getting a highlite and a perm for the weekend! I’m even getting a professional manicure done, with jewels and everything! Next weekend will surely be a weekend to remember, and if it’s as fun as I know it will be, I’m a bit sad to say I won’t remember much at all.

So happy weekend everybody, it's time for a drink. And as for the bullshit of jobs and idiot bosses, I plan to do like the BYU player and just screw it anyway.

Westboro Church- Making Topeka Proud!

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Well the Supreme Court made yet another good decision today. It was decided that the Westboro Baptist Church of none other than good ol Topeker, KS will not be charged with anything as it is protected under the freedom of speech. Well touche government. If there's one thing our country doesn't have enough of it's evil cult groups. So way to keep this one alive, I hope this wise decision leads to more groups such as Uncle Fred's. Maybe one day in the future every church will be able to hang signs outside of their window exclaiming who exactly God hates. Let's run through a quick list of whose on Fred's: Obama, politicians in general really, Justin Timberlake (what?!), Catholics, Sarah Palin, all dogs, Gaga, Chilean miners, Carl Pelini, Kanye (I'll give him this one) Lizzy McGuire, Gordo included, and obviously the list goes on and on. Weirdly enough I didn't see Sheen on the list? But basically Phelps is just a huge fame whore, why else would he list all of those pop stars? Should I feel bad I didn't make the list? Maybe after this weekend I could. As Amuricans we have every right to go to a funeral of a young soldier (who lost his live fighting for that very right) and call him a queer or fag if we please... Actually, I can't even sarcastically type that without wanting to throw up in my mouth. This is the most preposterous thing I have ever heard. Freedom schmeedom. There is never a time when it should be considered legal to go to a funeral with signs that say "God killed your son" and "God hates you" or "this is the way of God." I wish God was a more vengeful dude because I would love for nothing more than to see Fred Phelps die in a very gruesome way, and I've never said such a horrible thing about someone. Well, maybe I have but that was grade school and I've matured a lot since, but Fred Phelps truly is an evil guy.

By the way, did I mention I live about three blocks away from Westboro now? Literally, three blocks from that church of hell. I haven't walked Harlow by it yet. But I am going to. And I am very excited to do so. I'd very much like to walk by holding a Gay flag, or dressed like a solider, I can't quite decide. But I know I would like to do something and then just continue walking around the block over and over. It's pretty creepy though because the church is basically nestled away in a neighborhood, and there are like eight houses around it that all have the same tall dark fence. So the Westboro church isn't just a church, it's an entire combine of freeks. When the time comes that I am feeling ballsy and choose to walk by and do something stupid I am going to make sure and tell a lot of people just in case I don't show up the next day. So if it happens today, which it might because it's oh so nice outside, I'll probs have to make it a status update. Perhaps a mobile pic, as well?! I think I just established my afternoon plans for the day!

Good Luck Chuck.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Charlie Sheen is so hot right now. Like, Taylor Martinez back in November when he said he was going to quit, hot. Taylor who? Exactly. Let's hope Charlie can keep this act up because I'm loving it. Lindsay Lohan is either sending Chuck a fruit basket or death threats, I can't quite decide yet. Normal people would be happy to be out of the news regarding their mishaps, but celebs are another breed, so maybe Lilo is actually sad no one is talking about her anymore? Don't know, don't care. Because all I can think about right now is WINNER! Yeah, I'll admit, I jumped on the Charlie quote bandwagon with the rest of the Facebook world, but how could I not? Every single thing that comes out of his mouth right now is quote worthy. I foresee T-shirts, coffee mugs, calendars, posters, you name it, and there will be a product with a Charlie quote on it. I just got a better idea, an entire greeting card line featuring his words of wisdom.

Happy Birthday:

"It's just another day, another year, time wasted with their troll wives and one armed droopy eyed children. No thanks. Sorry. Winning."

Inspirational Section:

"You have the right to kill me, but you do not have the right to judge me. Boom. That’s the whole movie. That’s life.”

On old age:

"I have a 10,000 year old mind and 7 year old boogers."

For every day:

"Thomas Jefferson was a pussy."

Need I say more? Don't think so. So what's going on, is he on drugs, is he crazy? Or is he just "Charlie Sheen" on the "Charlie Sheen drug, if you try it once, you'll die." See look, I can't stop quoting him, I don't even mean to! Perhaps he is on a new drug that nobody even knows about but him. I just think he's an arrogant smart ass who has just completely turned his filter off. If a thought comes to him he says it. I do think some of his actions are a bit contradictory. If we're all a bunch of losers and trolls and idiots and he doesn't care what anyone thinks, then why all of the interviews? If he's so over people judging him and his personal life then why allow cameras into his home? If he truly gave a shit wouldn't he do just that, give a shit? If you just want to live your life then do it. Stop calling radio stations and the Today Show and 20/20 spouting your mouth off. Go enjoy the rockstar life you love so much with your two Goddesses. Goddesses though? Really Charlie? You go from Denise Richards to these two? Did you pick them up at Whiskey Tango? Or was it Hooters? I could find Charlie a whole gaggle of "Goddesses" like this, just come to P&L during bachelorette party season. But did anyone else notice the googley jaw one of them had going on? It's like she couldn't control it, it was moving all over the place like it had a mind of its own. But if there are no drugs in the house why the crazy jaw? Tourettes perhaps? Poor girl.

I was kinda sad to hear today that last night the police went to Charlie's house and took his children away. He seems like he's such a good dad. And two moms in the house? Can't beat that. I guess that might be two losses Charlie has, although he'll surely still claim he's winning. "Bipolar? Please. Bi-winning." But really I fear that the biggest loss that will come out of this will be the end of Two and half Men.

In conclusion, as Chris and I were watching the 20/20 special last night he turned to me and said,

"He's a legend. He's a living legend."

And he is. Until he dies. At which point he'll return to his former life of being a Vatican assassinating warlock.