Sunday, May 29, 2011

A Bachelorette Kinda Night

So what set our bachelorette party aside from the 600 hundred other Bachelorettes at Power and Light last night? Bride-to-be in an elegant white cocktail dress. Check. Tiara and sash. Check, check. A gaggle of at least ten other girls (not in white) obediently/drunkenly following the bride from bar to bar "wooing" and screaming at any given moment. Definitely had that. But so did the sweet Asian Bachelorette, and also the not so sweet over aged Bachelorette group from Iowa. So what was it then? I guess the only other option would have to be the six foot tall inflatable penis we (Carrie and Kim) carried around to every bar with us. Bingo. There was a Bach who had a toy and Penis was it's name-o. P-E-N-I-S.

If you're on Facebook you've most definitely already seen some mobile uploads of this ridiculousness, and if you haven't well then you're probably not on Facebook. Our six foot tall friend was the hit of the party. I felt like Selena Gomez out with the Biebs the way everyone kept coming up to us wanting to take a picture, or wanting to hold it, or play with it, or just touch its cute messy blonde haircut. Little Care was such a classy Bachelorette and just daintily carried the penis with her as if it was an expensive hand bag or clutch. Kim on the on the hand preferred to arm herself with it like it was her own Bazooka, she kept it ready over her shoulder and was set to fire at any douche coming our way. Once inside Howl at the Moon the singer on stage even gave us a shout out of, "Hey Bachelorettes with the huge penis, tables just opened up in the front." This sure pissed off the other Bachelorettes in the place as we all cockily (do I even need to say pun intended) marched our way to the front and plopped our annoying selves down at the tables. If there's one thing a Bachelorette party doesn't like, and of course we know there is at least 50 things a Bach party doesn't like, but one of the biggest things is when the attention is on another (better looking) Bach party. Which duh ours obviously was. A fight almost broke out early on in the night when a fellow bride-to-be tried to snatch our penis at dinner and run off with it. But nobody takes our most important member (again, do I even need to say pun intended) and gets away with it. Kam didn't let that sorry fool get so much as five feet away before she was in her face grabbing the weiner back. But anyway, Howl was just as fun and repetitive as it always is. We clapped to the same songs, the singers told the same jokes they always do, and we cheered and threw our fists in the air when we paid enough to hear the Nebraska fight song. And then of course the nasty Iowans next to us had to pay more to hear their song and listen to the silly piano players make rude jokes about Nebraska. Damn those piano players and the amount of power they hold. If only I had enough musical talent to play in a dualing piano bar someday where my most requested songs were school fight songs... I can dream.

After Howl it was obviously time for a little 90s fun at Shark Bar. I like to think of Shark Bar as the bar where the cast of Saved By the Bell probably would have hung out (if they drank.) So this place is for dancing. Hot, sweaty elevated dancing. Dancing on a floor is so blah, dancing on a bench is just so much cooler. Thank God Shark Bar has finally figured this out. I think that's what I love about Power and Light, they just take everything to the next level. You just can't beat a place like P&L. I really wonder what Bach parties did before this wonderful establishment came to place. Dave and Busters? Argosy? Worlds of Fun? If only all the rumors would finally come true in Omaha and they too would get something similar to P&L. But then who would go to the Max or Parliament anymore? It can be a risky move creating a place where all the tools in the town are able to drink under the same roof.

But anyway, yesterday was a great last hoorah for Carrie's single life and for my Kansas life. May we never have to return to either.

Saturday, May 28, 2011

Living la vida Bachelorette

So here goes one of my first pretty drunk blogs. How drunk you ask? Not college drunk by any means, but definitley post-college life is lame so I drink to forget at a bachelorette- drunk. So why are you blogging? Good question. Right now were waiting to get into our "pole dancing" session in downtown Kansas City. Why quote pole dancing? No idea, just felt right. So right now, literally NOW, I sit in my secluded corner in the stripper waitig room as I listen to three drunk fellow bachelorettes discuss why they're "not ready to have babies." How did this happen I wonder? How did my life go from sporadic day drinking to organized (very organized we had an agenda) day drinking in which discussions revolve around babies and ring shopping? And...

"Why aren't you engaged yet?"

Because Chris and I blush at the thought of kissing in front an engagement photographer.

"When will you be engaged?"

As soon as we stop feeling like we're 12 year olds.

"Open your knees out, butterfly them," the instructor says to Codi as Nebbia and I watch from the couch with a Bud Light in hand. It's not that we're Debbie Downers, I just prefer to watch from the couch rather than feel my inner thigh squeak against the squeaky pole like a fat kid going down a water slide sans water.

So people really get paid to teach drunk bachelorette girls how to pole dance I think to myself as I sit on the cheap leather couches wearing their provided glitter stripper wedger heels. I wear a size ten in these things, I can only imagine the type of drag queens that have put these on. Why do I make an ass of myself in front of highschoolers when I could get paid to make an ass of myself in front of annoying bachelorette girls? Life is a funny thing. The same girls who were taunted as being sluts in college are
now being praised as great strippers post college. After my big fall while trying to attempt to the no hands hang upside down hang I can't really move from this pole. It hurts. Pretty sure I bruised my outter thigh real bad. Strippers deserve more credit than the world gives them. Life on the pole is hard work, and most of us weren't even beaten or bruised by our pimps before coming here.. Most of us...

So after watching our instructors ass for over 55 minutes I think I'm ready to go. Stripping is fun and all when you're Jesse Spano without Saved By the Bell, but right now the fun has wained. I'm ready to trash it up at Power and Light for the next few hours. Bring on the guidos. Bring on the Ed Hardy. Cheers to Bachelorettes, we're first class, cheers to Bachs', let's hope this trend pass-es.

If I have grammatical errors get over it. At least I could spell grammatical.

Friday, May 27, 2011

Heads, shoulders, knees and twat.

So what if I cracked my fourth iphone screen in under ten months. Who cares that I got pulled over on the way back to Topeka. None of it matters. Because yesterday I made the drive from Nebraska to Topeka for the last time ever. You can't even begin to imagine what an amazing feeling that is unless you've moved from like Columbus to Seattle. I smiled the entire way from the sweet little town of Auburn to the almost disappearing village of Dawson. And as we pulled into Peker I didn't even mind the station wagon with the wood paneling full of a family of twelve obese people that pulled out right in front of me. I wasn't nearly as offended as I should be at Westboro's newest message posted on their church sign "fags doom nations." I think nations doom fags, but at this point I'm no longer in the mood to cause a ruckus before I leave. Because my time in this awful K State ridden place is fading right before my eyes. I'd just like to leave peacefully. I know that sounds cowardly, but I'd hate to set fire to the Westboro place and then have to return for a court date a few months down the road. I'm just not sure it's worth it? But if I drink enough tonight who knows... I never say never just like Justin Bieber.

So tonight, I am happy to report, is going to be our last Friday night to live it up in this crazy town. Tyeler even came along to celebrate. And in true Topeker style we are heading to P&L tomorrow night to party it up for Carrie's bachelorette. One last hoorah for little Schiefelbein before she becomes little Bergen, wonder if that's hard for Jake to have to let go of that nickname? I'm just happy Carrie decided to have her bach at Power and Light as this was something that was on my bucket list: Act like a complete douche at the dueling piano bar while bride-to-be shakes and wiggles on stage to Howl at the Moon's own rendition of "heads, shoulders, knees and twat." And if Carrie is even half as fun as she usually is(her college theme song was "I found you, Ms. New Booty")it's sure to be a good time! It's also fun because this will be Tye's first bachelorette as a wife. Now typically it's the wifes at the bachelorettes who are the most slutty so this should be interesting to see, as well. So throw in the combination of Tye's first outing as a wife, a theta reunion, and me celebrating my last weekend in Kansas, and this is sure to an epic night on P&L- bachelorette epic that is. I can barely wait to dance the night away tomorrow to awesome 90s tunes at the incredibly midwestern chic Shark Bar! Oh boy. In the words of every Facebook girl heading to another town to party "Power and Light better be ready, here we come!" Because as far as we know we are the craziest, most fun bach party ever to hit the most posh "clubs" Kansas City has to offer. So cheers to Carrie and her weekend, as long as the night doesn't end with a bucket of blood poured on her head it's sure to be a good one!

Monday, May 23, 2011

The Big Boy Theory.

So how about that rapture on Saturday? Or did you miss it too? Turns out we all missed it, well everybody except for the rapture king himself (no, not God) I mean good ol Pastor Camping, the guy who started all this mumbo jumbo. Nobody has seen the guy since May 20. Are we really supposed to believe he was the only guy pulled up to heaven on May 21? Doubtful, pretty sure I saw the Duggars are filming a new season. God would never leave that family behind, they're right up there with Kirk and Candace Cameron. But honestly I can't help but feel just a little bad for the Camping guy, he probably feels like a huge ass right now. That's one helluva prediction to screw up, bet the Mayans are getting a little nervous in their pants. They're probably all sitting around right now thinking they better to do some recalculations just to be on the safe side. Camping really beat those guys to the punch if you ask me. But I don't mind a good old fake rapture every once in a while and I'll tell you why, I woke up Saturday morning the happiest person in the world. I was happy as a clam just to be alive, I mean I think Heaven sounds great and all, but I'm moving to Chicago soon... So I could use at least a year or two more here. A joke apocalypse really puts things into perspective. Makes you appreciate the small things, like hell not freezing over. At least the whole Mayan thing is scientific and not religious based, everybody knows that science is a bunch of black magic and wizardy shit. So until my invite to Hogwarts comes again, I'm not even gonna fret about 12/21/2012 anymore than I did June 6, 1966.

So besides living through my first judgment day, I'm still right on track for having the sixth grade kinda summer I know and love so much. Sleeping in late, fake getting up by the time my dad gets home for lunch so I don't get yelled at for being lazy, then being as lazy as I want for the rest of the day. This summer's just a little different though because now there is a baby around. Knox is fun and all, but he's kind of a lot like a bulimic sorority girl which can get pretty annoying. For starters I can tell he always has food on his mind because he tries to suck on everything, and when he gets even a tiny bit hungry he gets super bitchy and freaks out til he gets fed, but then he binges for up to 45 minutes sometimes and almost immediately after he pukes it all up. And like a true bulimic he doesn't tell anyone, I'll just be holding him and he'll nonchalantly turn to the side and vomit everywhere without saying a word. Then he'll turn back to me and just smile like everything is normal. It's pretty gross. I just feel bad for my sister though, working so hard to make all of that milk only to have it all thrown up. It must be how Marge felt at Theta on most weekends. Who am I to judge though, we've all got our things.

All things aside Knox is a healthy strong baby boy, which is a good thing because Jade believes there is a surplus in baby boys right now because in 18 years they will be needed for war to fight in a Apocalypse (apparently God follows the U.S. military legal fighting age, as well.) But this is for real this time. I guess my family is just a bunch of doomsdayers huh? But anyway, Jade formed this theory all on her own based solely on her Facebook friends I believe and their constant "It's a boy!" status updates. But when I asked her which country we would be fighting, because it must be a country God does not like if he's giving just Americans the upper leg here, she responded with "Iraq." Of course. Those damn Muslims are the source of all evil. And God is also still a little bit sexist it seems if he's only birthing boys for the next 18 years to protect this good land of America. I guess we'll just have to wait and see on this theory.

Friday, May 20, 2011

Chicago it is.

Oh it's Friday already? Funny how time flies when you're not working but instead having cocktails every night by five and in a blissful alcohol induced sleep by ten. Today I did have to work a bit, kinda. I just got off the phone with my boss for my yearly review. Not only did I not get fired, but I also got a raise. I'm not one to brag about money, but let's just say I got about a $525 increase. Over the span of a year. You do the math, I simply can't work with figures that big. But if I had a calculator on my phone I'd say that figure might provide me with enough extra to take Chris and myself to a fancy dinner at Outback almost once a month, blooming onion included. Not too shabby.

So let's see what else is there... Oh yes, SUCK IT TOPEKA!!! Yeah. That's right, we're leaving this place for good one week from today. Do you know how long I've been waiting to say those words? Probably since that fateful day last August when Chris told me the roller coaster of life might be on the down slope for a while. But that while is over. We're back on the loopy de loop, hands free in the air wind in our hair because we're moving to the windy city. Chicago! Home of my all time favorite player Michael Jordan #23 whoop whoop! That bald black man that every single kid of every race and gender dreamed of becoming is going to be my neighbor, figuratively speaking of course, unless he does happen to live in Lincoln Park which would be awesome! And the best part is we're going to have friends there! I can already name at least nine people I know in Chicago who I bet will want to be my friend! Nine friends! All in the same city. I know, I can hardly believe it myself. It's been a while in the works but we've had to keep it on the DL until it's for real, and today it's finally for real. As of June 1 Chris and I will be official residents of Chicago, IL. We've already signed the new lease and everything. And our new landlords seem like real gems I gotta say, I found them on Craigslist and as soon as they heard we were from out of town and would be doing everything via email they were more than accommodating. It was easy as pie, all we had to do was wire them the money and we were set to go, they weren't worried at all about accepting money from people they've never met. They did ask for a pretty steep security deposit (on account of Harlow I'm sure) and also the first month's rent, but I'm sure they'll be nice people I can't wait to finally meet them.

I know what you're thinking, what about our current lease? Well, what most people don't know about me is that I'm also somewhat of an undercover lawyer. Now even though I've never had any formal education or training in law per say, I've actually won quite a few cases in my time- 1997: Taylor vs Mrs. Blakeman 6th grade teacher, 2002: Taylor vs NHS AD Dolliver, 2009: Taylor vs UNL. I wrote down every injustice I felt my 6th grade teacher acted upon toward me in order to prove she had favorites and that I wasn't one of them, 2002 I had to prove what a chauvinistic ass our athletic director was and is, and in the case vs UNL I demanded money back for three unnecessary credits four months past graduation. All were victories. So even though much of my background is in educational suits I figured I might as well try my luck in a residential suit. And now I can add Taylor vs Topeka Rental Agency to my book on wins. Last Monday I marched into the rental office with a Topeka Tenant Law Book with numerous lines and pages highlighted pointing out every law they were breaking by renting a unit that had a pest problem (ants gross!) and a basement that wasn't completely sealed (water leakage!) I served them with a 14/30 notice. They had 14 days to fix the problems or we were moving out in 30. And so they decided it would be easiest for them to just let us out of our lease. Just like that. I even said that were are expecting our security deposit back in full because according to Kansas Law we have no reason not to as we are leaving the house in better condition than we found it. Done and done.

So between the news about getting into the writing conference, moving to Chicago and actually getting out of Topeker, and then being let out of our lease you can understand my anxiety regarding tomorrow and the supposed end of the world. Everything is just working out too good for me right now. It reminds me of the couple days leading up to Disney World when I was nine years old. I was just certain a tornado was going to wipe out Norfolk and ruin my upcoming vacation because going to Disney World just seemed like it was too good to actually happen. So cheers to hoping tomorrow is just another day so I can actually feel the joy I've dreamed about for so long of pulling out of Topeka once and for all and looking out the back window and flipping it off. But if my God is anything like I think He is, He won't think twice about allowing this to happen. Here's to another day.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Toot toot.

Wait, what's that noise I hear? Toot toot. Oh duh! It's me tooting my own horn. So yeah, two days ago I received the news that I had been waiting to hear for quite a while that I was accepted into a screenwriting conference in Southampton, New York this summer. And so what did I do next? I did what every normal Facebook Girl does, I posted it as my status. I don't know if it was because it was my birthday and I was all alone, or if I was just that excited, or if it had something to do with the fact that no one would answer my phone call. But for whatever I reason I felt the need to be extra boastful and post my good news. Minutes after doing it I regretted it. Not that I didn't appreciate all of the well wishes because I obviously did, I just felt so Facebook Girly is all. Like was it really necessary for me to post that? Probably not, but such is the case with 99.9% of the statuses on FB so I might as well accept and embrace that I was just too darn excited to keep my good news to myself. Such is Fb life. At least I didn't post that I also received a scholarship along with my acceptance. What's that you say? A scholarship?! I sure did. My very first scholarship of my life. After I didn't get the Northern Hills Elementary scholarship I applied for so many years ago I stopped applying. It's pretty crushing to the self esteem when your own elementary school doesn't have enough faith in you to give you a few bucks for college so I decided to spare myself the rejection and stop from there. Until a few months ago when I decided to roll the dice and tell the good people of New York why I deserved a scholarship to their writing colony so I could learn how to write better screenplays and be able to represent the young writers of Nebraska. And to my surprise they chose me! So now I get to further my education under the guidance of the writers from the film "Boys Don't Cry." Remember that movie? It stars a young gender confused Hilary Swank filmed in Nebraska circa 1999. She won an Oscar. Nbd. So if all goes according to plan I'll make some good connections this summer, sell my first screenplay, it was obviously be a hit and then I will get paid to write movies for the rest of my life. I'll just have to keep my fingers crossed and my Fb statuses up to date.

But enough about me. Let's talk about Arnold Schwarzenegger and how much he has let our country down. He was supposed to be a hero, a terminator, a governor at the very least. Not a two timing father of a love child with their Mexican housekeeper! "I not a Mexican!" Excuse me, I meant El Salvadorian. But how despicable. I used to write fan letters to this man. And who cheats on Maria Shriver? She was a Kennedy for God's sake. A Kennedy! It's just sad to me. If the Schwarzenegger can't even resist the temptation of an overweight Hispanic housekeeper who can? I bet rich white women all over California are re thinking their help right about now.

We're under four days away from Saturday. The Kool Aid is officially being brewed...

Monday, May 16, 2011

I'm the Birthday Girl.

Well it's official, I'm the bday girl. Yup today is all about me. And because I'm in Topeka hanging out all by myself it's not too difficult to make sure I get to do exactly what I want. I woke up with a great birthday attitude. It didn't even bother me that I had to politely remind Chris to tell me happy birthday, his memory is always a little foggy right when he wakes up. I eased myself into the morning with a little Bob Marley on Pandora and decided it would be pry be smart for me to call the Topeka radio station to tell them it's my birthday day. They responded by telling me I had the wrong number. Is Norfolk the only town that does birthday announcements on the morning radio? So then I went to a Donut Shop to buy glazed donuts for all of my classmates. The bakery was out. But that was okay since I don't have any classmates and/or friends to share them with. So then I thought I should be active and take my one bday friend (Harlow) on a walk. But when I got his leash he just looked at me from the couch like "no way in hell" and snuggled his face deeper into the pillows. I think he's still tired from his weekend in Fremont. So what else does one do on their birthday in Topeka with no friends or family? Well they go back to bed. I was up and showered by 9:30 and then back in bed by 11. But I wasn't depressed sleeping, not at all, I was sleeping because I could. Because I was tired and I don't have to work so why not. Now that I'm one year older I just can't handle drinking like I used to and this past weekend is still taking it's toll on me.

Friday night ended on the corner of Beer and Loathing and hell with a cop telling Kate, Kim and myself it's about time we took ourselves home. I was nervous he knew we walked out on our tab at the Dell, but I think it might have had more to do with the cat naps we took at Beer and Loathing and the stumbles we took outside. We didn't want to walk out on our tab, but our waitress never returned so we really didn't have much choice. Bad service is simply something that I will not tolerate. We made our way to Jade's house but Knox was being a little Hitler and told us he was trying to sleep so we better settle our asses down before he got really upset. So Kate fell asleep like a little angel on the couch and Kim and I upstairs in Jade's newly remodeled "guest suite." The next morning we woke up ready to go, and I mean this literally since we all slept in our Friday night get-ups, head to toe. Since we were dressed pretty fancy for an early Saturday lunch we decided we should go somewhere fancy. Like Brick House. Is that what it's called? The restaurant in the Westroads Parking Lot where every 18 year old girl who has previously worked at After Thoughts, Charlotte Russe and Cost Cutters aspires to work? I heard it was a fancy Hooters, that's why Kim wanted to go. The decor, fancy Hooters perhaps. The waitresses? Far from it. I imagine the ad on Myspace went something like this:
"Cool new restaurant looking for hot young girls to waitress. Must have various colors in hair, at least 13 tattoos, very white pale skin with numerous piercings, and a belly that jiggles when you walk. Poor grammar is appreciated." These girls wear the shortest jean shirts and crop tops and I wasn't kidding when I said you can see their belly jiggle when they walk to and from the cool couch like booths. I was appalled. And disgusted. I couldn't even eat the sloppy joe I ordered. Just for the record this was the first (and last) time I've ever ordered a sloppy joe in a restaurant. At Brick House they gave me a bowl of sloppy joe mess and four pieces of Wonder Bread like they expected me to make it myself. The hungover white trash girl inside of me wanted to throw the bread at the waitress and say something like "bitch, I don't come to a restaurant to make my own sandwich, put this Sloppy Joe together for me now." Totally inappropriate, I know. But that's how I felt. It's the same way with Fondue, I don't go out to eat to make it myself, that's why I'm OUT TO EAT. So I just sulked and nibbled on the fries which were ok, they needed Lawrys.

But now it's time to get up and take on my birthday. I only have 365 days until I'm 25 (God permitting.) My mom made the mistake today of casually telling me about a radical group of Christians who believe the world is coming to an end on SATURDAY! You just don't casually tell someone that. Google it: 5/21/2011. I'm scared shitless now. Originally I thought I had until at least 2012, but now you're telling I only have until Saturday to get my ducks in a row. This has got to be a big week. I've got a lot of cleaning to do before I meet Jesus in this house. It's a disaster.

So happy birthday to me. And thanks to my Facebook friends today for wishing me a happy birthday, it makes it not so bad spending a birthday alone in the real world when you know you've got online friends wishing you well. So to those inquiring, I am indeed having a good, amazing, great, wonderful, best, happy, fun, special birthday. But feel free to keep the wishes coming, like I said I'm all alone, so each time my phone buzzes it's a tiny celebration for me. It's the small things in life.

Thursday, May 12, 2011

Hellllllo Summer.

We have MTV to thank for a lot of great things in life besides just TV legends like Carson Daly, Kurt Loder, and Audrina Patridge. Shows like Teen Mom for example, put a light on teen pregnancy and the hardships that go with it like being put on magazine covers and getting pay increases for adding more drama (ideally domestic abuse) to an episode. Jersey Shore, never again can a parent tell their child that "no one is ever gonna pay you to just drink and party for the rest of your life," of course there's gotta be some smooshing as well, but actually MTV will pay you to do just that. Sweet 16s are forever changed for wealthy teens who don't have friends, never again will a sleepover at a hotel with an indoor pool do the trick. And the most recent phenom I've taken notice to, extravagant prom proposals. And whose to blame but Laguna Beach. Or perhaps little fairy boys have been asking their girlfriends' to prom in special ways since the beginning of time and I was just unaware of it until recently. I've witnessed three prom askings in the past week and a half. And each time I was more embarrassed for the kids than the previous ones.

Situation 1: a boy came into the foods class I was in to present a girl with a cake that read, "will you go to prom?" Naturally I thought it was a joke. A. Boys really do that? And B. Girls really say yes to that? Yes and yes. And not only do girls say yes they squeal and jump up and down and have a look on their face like it's their best moment ever. Meanwhile, I'm crawling in my skin with humiliation just watching it.

Situation 2: A boy walks into class (unexpectedly ahh gasp surprise!) with roses and blushed cheeks to ask the popular girl in the second row to prom. The class oohs and the boys snicker and the other girls get jealous and popular girl flutters her eyes and coos and it's all a very romantic soap opera played out in a matter of 2 minutes. Again, I'm shaking my head wondering what on earth is going on. Is there no such thing as modesty or good old fashion humility today? Even worse, the teacher is completely wrapped up in it and it looks like she's got tears in her eyes from such a knightly like gesture. She looks at me and says,

"isn't this too sweet? These kids are more romantic than my husband!"

I can't help but respond,

"Oh noooo I would die. I'm embarrassed just watching, I would literally hate this."

Perhaps a lie would have been better than my instant blunt reaction.

Situation 3: A boy walks into class with, get this I nearly died, one of those balloons that you are able to put something in!!! Died. Dieddddd. Who knew these were still around? I thought Wal Mart stopped making them after literally every single kid aged 7-16 received one for their birthday, and every WT husband gave one to their wife as an anniversary gift during the span of years 1992-1994. I'm not gonna pretend these weren't completely awesome when they came out because they were. I always wanted the balloons full of confetti and candy bars and Teddy bears and all that stupid shit. How one got a Teddy bear inside of a balloon I will probably never know, it's like a fortune in a cookie, you don't questions you just enjoy it. Anywho, inside the balloon was confetti (jealous!) and a corsage with a note that said "Prom this weekend?" Err a little late buddy. But not for his dream girl apparently because she jumped up and down and screamed YES! So nice try Talon with the floating candles in the pool back in '05, but nothing trumps a Wal Mart confetti filled balloon.

Oh high school kids. One more day. One more day until absolute freedom. I fully intend to run through the halls of my last school tomorrow screaming "SCHOOLS OUT FOR SUMMER!" It doesn't matter that the school I will be in actually won't be out for summer for another two weeks, because I will be and that's all I care about right now. And right right now, all I care about is sucking back on my blue Flava-Ice stick, I like to wait til the end to drink all the juice that has settled at the bottom, it's better that way. Yup melted juice from a Flava-Ice means summer is officialy here. Well melted juice and also cuts in the sides of my mouth from those damn sharp plastic corners on the ice sticks. Hello Summer, it's never been better to see you.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Dr. Seuss's The Terrorist Who Stole Everything.

I've only ever watched two episodes of Glee in my entire life. I watched the Britney Spears episode (duh) and I watch last night's episode because they sang Rebecca Black's "Friday." Look whose laughing now. Rebecca and myself because I've been a fan of that awesome song since the beginning. Shit gets real when Glee starts singing about it. I just keep waiting for her to come out with another single already. I hope she sticks to what she knows and continues to sing about days of the week. But back to Glee, I just don't know what to think about that show. Everything about it tells me to hate it, but I will admit, I find it kind of interesting. I just can't figure out if it's a satire or not. Are they making fun of glee kids or celebrating them? After I was Gleekd out I watched a behind the scenes look at the life of Osama. All terrorist qualities aside, he seemed like a normal American guy. He loved Coca Cola, everything Apple, and Whitney Houston. It was said that he even considered having Bobby Brown (the woman beater not the makeup artist) killed a time or two. Maybe Osama was just seriously obsessed with the U.S. (who isn't though) and we never really accepted him so that's why he decided to make it his purpose in life to destroy us. I've known a few people like this in life. I can't help but picture his childhood like that of the Grinch. As a little boy he would come to his American elementary school and all the naughty little kids would make fun of his huge black beard. So one day he tried to shave all his hair but failed miserably so he started wearing a towel on his head. And the nasty little Whos just made all the more fun of him for it so he was forced to live in a mountain for the rest of his life. The more you think about it it's eerily similar to Dr. Seuss's story isn't it? Although, I'm not sure if the Grinch had sex slaves he forced to live with him or not? I know there was Cindy Lou Who, but she seemed to want to be there...She was a child though. Chris Hansen should look into that. If only Osama would have settled for stealing gum drops and teddy bears rather than crashing planes into buildings he might still be alive and well today living with Whitney in a mansion somewhere doing drugs off a marble counter top just like the Grinch with Martha May. No sympathy for that creep though. None at all. And same for Osama.

Two more days of work. Two more days of serving high schoolers watermelon salsa and then not again for almost three months. The joy I feel when thinking about this is a joy that can't be put into words. But I'll try. It's comparable to taking your last final and then getting to your car the second before the meter bitch lays a ticket down and then going home on traffic free streets and having a beer and sitting outside on your patio in a cool breeze looking at an ocean surrounded by your friends discussing the night ahead where you will be drinking for free at all the best bars while being taken around on a party bus driven by John C. Reilly. Yeah, I guess I would say it's kinda like that.

In the meantime I plan to take it easy and enjoy this heatwave passing through Topeker. 95 degrees and humid? Yes please! Am I the only person who genuinely enjoys humidity? I would hate to live in a place where it's not almost the exact same temp when you go to bed as it was in the middle of the afternoon. I love the feeling of damp dank moisture in the air. God love Midwestern summers. Hope you all are enjoying this humpday as much as I am. Wednesday means Friday is just two short days away. And this Friday I'll find myself celebrating in Omaha, so if you're around and in the mood to buy me a birthday shot don't be a stranger! I'm feeling a good old fashioned college sloppy weekend coming on. Oohhh I get vodka goosebumps just thinking about it.

Monday, May 9, 2011

The Windy City

Chicago is fun. The food is good and the neighborhoods are great and the bars are endless. It reminds me a lot of Topeka, except not at all. I didn't get into any bar fights, and Chris didn't have to go out wearing his glasses while rocking the greasy comb-over to make himself look older in case he were to see a client. And there wasn't a red neck Westboro creep holding an "I hate fags" poster anywhere. Quite the opposite, actually. I did see a fag holding a redneck with a sign that said "I hate creeps," but that was different.

We arrived Saturday night and headed to Chris's friend Andy's apartment in Lincoln Park. The apartment was okay, I mean if you're into fancy granite countertops, walk in showers with more shower heads than in most gym locker rooms and rooftop access with a view to the city. Which it turns out, I am into. Don't get me wrong, I love the view I get from my own backyard of 14 other chain link fences with dirt ridden yards and barking mutt dogs everywhere. What's not to love? 

A few drinks later we headed to a "hip bar" in  Wicker Park. Josh Hartnett was nowhere to be seen but it was still a good time never the less. I was so not hip enough to be in the bar we went to, I felt so 2011! What with my silly dark jeans and blazer jacket, I was tres outdated and it was awful! I missed the memo that the dress code for the night involved, well, anything ass ugly and expensive/iwantthistolookcheap looking. Goodwill style. Long flowy skirts, floral print anything and I even saw a pair of actual Saddle shoes! Saddle shoes can you believe it? I didn't know those were made pass 1992, or in sizes not meant for just four year old metrosexual little boys. To make matters even more confusing, the live band/Dj was playing all 50s music. So people were doing the "twist" and the "jitter bug." Not a grinder in sight. I seriously didn't know if I was completely wasted or if I had crossed into some sort of weird time warp. I suddenly felt like I was in an episode of Mad Men, I was Peggy and was out in Greenwich with my lesbian reporter friend drinking PBR's and discussing politics and marijuana. And I was loving it, time warps are great. Unfortunately 2011 was creeping up on us and it was time to leave when the cell phones struck 2:00 a.m. So we left the 1950s and traveled back to Lincoln Park, a land full of Trader Joes and Starbucks. I'm not kidding anyone, there's no way I'd be cool enough to actually spend more than a night in the Ukrainian Village, I drive a Camry. And I voted for McCain. Lincoln Park is A okay with me. I'll take an overpriced coffee at a Starbucks over a local overpriced coffee any day. And as for my shitty grunge clothes, I prefer to buy them at Urban. I'll leave the musty smoke smell to the authentic Goodwill pieces.

But it's hard to return to Peker. It just seems so wide open and blah. The only time warp I experience here is by going to Gordmans. And a time of painted wood crafts as home decor, bean bag chairs, and Tweety Bird shower curtains is not a time I care to revisit. Oh well. At least I have my Bday to look forward to. One week and counting until I'm 24. Yup, living the good life as a 24 year old in Topeker in my rental house a block away from Westboro Church. Only the best for this gal.

Friday, May 6, 2011

Congrats College Grads! Welcome to Hell!

Friday, Friday what isn't there to smile about today? Today is a Rebecca Black kinda day, my biggest dilemma will be whether to chill with my friends in the front seat or the back. And what a great weekend for all you little graduates in Lincoln! I am so excited for all of you! But only because I'm happy to know one more group of twenty-somethings will be just as miserable as the rest of us college grads in just a few short days. Welcome to the real world class of 2011, you're gonna love it! Now that just makes me sound bitter... But if the closed toed business appropriate high heel shoe fits.... Yeah graduation weekend is a fun one. I had fun both in May when I fake graduated and again in December when I real graduated. And yet neither time did I attend the official ceremony. But whose to say which "official ceremony" is actually "official." I think it's kind of partial, because I think my ceremony was pretty official it just happened to take place at the Bar. Man, if only the Rail and the Bar had appetizer tables full of bean dip and tortilla rolls all of the time... But waking up the Sunday after graduation is a weird feeling. It's kind of a feeling of "what the hell now." After high school graduation it's like "woo hoo only 3 months of life guarding at the pool and then it's college!" After college it's like "oh shit only 3 days and I start my new job." Or "oh shit I have to find a job." Or "oh shit I accidentally got an English major what in the hell do I do with that?" Or "oh shit I just got a DUI last night" (you know who you are.) But life goes on. And you'll wake up one day and it will already be two years later and you'll think "oh shit where did the time go." It's ironic to me how even though life post college is super lame it still manages to fly by... And when I looked in the mirror I was no longer a little girl holding a Barbie Doll, but a grown woman holding a fifth of vodka.- XO XO Judy Bloom.

Anywho, if Chris and I weren't jetting off to Chicago for the weekend I would totally be in Lincoln this weekend ready to par-Tay it up like I'm not just a little too old to be getting ridiculous and sloppy downtown. And of course when I say "jetting" off to Chicago, I actually mean "carring" off because we are indeed driving. It's just kinda the Topeka way to do things and since gas is so cheap... It's a quick trip, well be back on Monday just in time to finish up my last week of work! Boo yah! That's definitely the first "boo yah" I've ever thrown out, but it just felt right. Last week of work and then my birthday, not a bad week if you ask me. I just hope this Chicago trip goes well and then everything will be going exactly according to plan... As usual, I'm plotting something good. And speaking of my plots, I have a feeling some of you don't know what you're missing out on by not sharing in the fun of my "The Morning After" book. Let your story be told before it's too late and the book is being published and sold in stores like Urban and Anthro for way too much money right alongside the other books that say "What's Your Poop Mean" and "Dressing Professional and Acting Slutty." These are real books. So if they can be published so can we. I've added a lot more good stories so go to www.themorningafterbooksite.blogspot.com if you haven't in a while. If anything it makes you feel better about your own stupid shenanigans.

Well happy Friday and happy graduation weekend to all. Play a little Vitamin C on the way out tonight to get yourselves all nice and emotional. And then play Rebecca Black so you can see just how far music has come in ten years. Party'n party'n yeah.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

It's May Bday Month!

What a wonderful birthday morning I was able to share with the birthday girl Jade. Now I obviously don't work on my birthday, and the more I thought about it, it just seemed kinda rude of me to work on Jade's birthday, as well. So naturally I didn't. Work just didn't fit into my schedule today what with having breakfast out and then pedicures and of course a little Von Maur time. I would have just felt like a snot if I ditched out on all of this to go work. And birthdays are a big deal to Jade, if everything doesn't go exactly how she hopes she won't think twice about throwing a tantrum. Between her and Knox, I just wasn't in the mood to deal with two crying babies. And I also felt I deserved a good morning on account of the way the week had started.

First things first, I received some pretty bad news about my job that I love so much. All of those fake titles my superior likes to give out i.e. "director, assistant director, senior, senior assistant, rookie senior director deputy, ext, ext" are all being done away with. This is serious, it all has to do with the government and the new laws about for profit schools or whatever. I am devastated! How am I expected to get motivated if I have nothing to aspire to? No dream of someday being able to put the word "Senior" on my business card like my big sister Jade gets to. Never will I get the chance to lead my own conference call and ask questions that nobody answers. It just sucks.

The next bit of bad news came via Facebook, imagine that. I found out my cousin is getting divorced, from his original wife, not the fiance he cheated on her with, but the original wife he met ten months ago. Ugh. I was so excited about having a new cousin at the Christmas party and I didn't even get to meet her. Or her two kids. I just feel bad that I had to hear about it via Facebook a la a post that read "So u wit that horror? Fine. I want the divorce finalized." Sad! Now I'm thinking "horror" meant "whore," that's a tricky word to get right. And then the post was followed by a series of cat fighting involving words like punt, prack whore and plit, but with C's where I put P's. It got a little vulgar, even for Facebook. And if this was all in public I can only imagine what was exchanged in private. But maybe they do it all in public so they don't have to do it privately? I guess that would make sense. Man, I just hope that nobody ever tells me they want a divorce someday on my Facebook wall. Then again, I shouldn't be that surprised because we all (all the Facebook friends) saw this coming in the previous posts. Things have been going down hill ever since the last "nothin ever goes right for me anymore, why does everyone I love let me down" post. I guess I just figured that a couple who could bounce back from both having other engagements while still being married to each other could get over anything. I'm just gonna miss all of the self taken sexy bathroom photos of the wife I never met.

But I shouldn't be thinking about negative things right now. This is May birthday month and that's all that matters. Last night was a dinner in Omaha for Jade's birthday. Then my parents took off for South Carolina to visit Jordan at Clemson for his birthday on Saturday. And for my birthday next Monday they said they're going to call me because they'll be too tired from celebrating with Jordan all week long to make the trip to Topeka. That's okay, I'm used to it by now. Jade's is the first birthday so they're always excited for it, Jordan's is second and he is the Princess so something big is always planned (surprise party, vacation, ext), and mine being last means I have always gotten the leftovers of the birthday month. My cake was typically a combination of whatever Jade and Jordan didn't eat at their parties, usually a nice ice cream angel food cake brownie mix. My party's were usually a New Kids on the Block-Ninja Turtle theme depending on whatever Jade or Jordan picked. Oh well, I'm just glad they remember it is all. Only 12 more days til it's finally my Facebook day.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

The Cream Always Rises to the Top

And so was the theme for the National High School Culinary Weekend. The cream always rises to the top. Oddly enough, that was also the theme of the adult movie section in my hotel, as well.

My "weekend" began last Friday evening at the Overland Park convention center for the 2011 National Teen Chef Competition. Although, I struggle to call it a weekend, as a weekend isn't really a weekend if you have to work. So naturally I was grumpy walking into the convention center at 6 p.m. for the welcome ceremony. By 6 p.m. on Fridays I'm usually about 3 drinks deep. Upon entering the large meeting room I started to realize this little competition wasn't so little after all. I saw cheerleaders on both sides of me cheering as I walked in, what the shit is this I wondered. Then I heard a marching band closing in on me, and then I realized I was basically walking through a "tunnel walk." Yes, I am proud to say I had the honor of leading in the 2011 competing culinary teams from across the United States including Puerto Rico and Guam. No wonder everybody was staring at me. I slipped aside just as a zoo of 500 high school kids came barreling inside with horns blowing. Seriously horns, like those God awful soccer horns that are called something I don't know how to say and always end up saying something dirty instead like a vulvazela. The kids were looking sharp (knife joke intended) with the girls in their Target kitten heels, and the boys in their Old Navy khaki cargos. The entire opening ceremony was a pretty big deal. There was music and fireworks and celebrities galore. I don't want to drop any names, but the CEO of Wendy's as well as Chili's were both in attendance. I had completely under estimated the hugeness of this event. This wasn't state basketball, these kids were playing for the National title- in a completely unathletic way of course. I was amongst the best and the brightest of the future Olive Garden and Applebees chefs of the nation. I guess I just didn't realize how important this event was, silly me and my close minded notion that only athletic events are prudent in high school. Kids today have all sorts of options if they're not good at sports, they can do band, or chess, or spelling bees, or theatre, and even the best eaters are being celebrated with national food competitions. What a great country we live in where we can take absolutely anything and turn it into a competition or a reality show, preferably both.

The big news of the night was that the winning team was going to be flown out to the national NRA convention in Las Vegas at the end of May. That's a weird combination I thought. Why would the National Rifle Association want to fly culinary kids to their convention? Was this a Republican sponsored event? I turned to the Chef next to me and casually asked,

"what's the rifle association have to do with this? Just good publicity?"

The snide chef looked me over and said,

"The NRA is the National Restaurant Association."

Ahhh that would make more sense. I asked the chef where he worked so I could make sure and eat there and then send my food back.

So night one wasn't awful. After the ceremony the co workers and I went out for sushi. Look at me and my coworkers going out for drinks just like I'm on the Office or something, nbd. Obviously the people I work with are a bunch of foodies so we must have ordered 25 different sushi rolls. Everything was all good and fun until they started buying the restaurant t-shirts. I don't know, maybe it's just me but I frown upon buying a shirt with the sole intention of letting others know where you've dined. It's like having a rock in your front yard with your last name carved into it. You live there. We get it.

Saturday morning I found myself busy at work at Town Center checking out the spring sale at J Crew, maybe working on the weekend isn't that bad after all? I had a quick working lunch at Dean and Deluca and then I had to head to the school to begin work on the real shit. My leisurely day was quickly coming to an end. For the next five hours I was thrown into the role of "bus boy" at the dinner hosted for the students. Now I've never worked in a restaurant, nor have I ever had the desire to. And it's because of dirty napkins. I can't look at them and I certainly can't touch them. They freak me out. A napkin is used for wiping shit, why would I ever want to come close to that? So for each table I had to clear I would use clean napkins in order to grab the dirty napkins and then carry them to the trash like they were actual pieces of shit. I might have been a little dramatic. Oh well, to each their own napkin.

By the time the night came to a close I was exhausted and more than ready for a bottle of wine. But I didn't want to be a total snot and run off to my room without conversing with the coworkers I see once a year for just a bit. But after that bit passed I ran off to my room and settled in bed with a bag of Chex Mix and a bottle of wine. It wasn't the best Saturday night of my life, but it wasn't the worst, either.

Little did I know that night that the very next day I would hear some of the biggest new of my life, Bin Laden is dead. A moment, as all news anchors are saying, "we'll remember for the rest of our lives." Thanks for the best May Day ever, CIA! Bin Laden's body is ten times better than a basket of popcorn with peanuts and M&Ms scattered through out.

Monday, May 2, 2011

So Obama's dead?

Somebody certainly is trying to put in some extra effort right before the upcoming election. Barack is just Johnny President right now. What's next? Is he gonna find the culprit behind JFK's death? Watergate? All I know is that last night when I heard the news my first reaction was: 1. He wasn't already dead? Then, 2. USA! USA! USA! And finally, 3. What did we just do? If this is indeed true and Bin Laden is dead, how pissed are his followers? Real life followers I mean, not just fans of his Facebook page. Now I'm still not 100% believing he's dead. It just all seems too quick and convenient. But if he is dead, whose to say he hasn't been dead for quite a while and Baracky's just been sitting on this news waiting to release it until the day before he is set to appear on Oprah just to raise her ratings? That Oprah is a powerful lady. I bet she had the CIA deliver Bin Laden to her house and then she killed him herself with her bare hardworking hands because that's how Oprah does things, hardworking and in the name of the great black Lord.

One can only wonder if the 15 virgins were waiting for Osama as he was promised. If they were I hope they were a bunch of nasty looking old lady virgins. But I like to picture Osama's entrance into hell similar to how Hitler's was portrayed on Little Nicky, if you've seen this movie you know what I'm talking about with the pineapple routine and maid's costume.

Besides the excitement of the death announcement, I was also quite thrilled with the Facebook action surrounding it. It had been a good while since FB had blown up with the same topic from everyone, what with Husker season on hold and Charlie Sheen out of the lime light. As soon as the news broke, Chris said "I'm gonna put this on Facebook." And I tried my best to smile sweetly and say, "you do that. I'm sure no one else will..." And then one after another the statuses poured in. Which made me wonder, did the CIA catch Osama, or was it Zuckerberg behind it all knowing the affect it would have on FB? I wouldn't put it past that crafty ol SOB Zucky. He knows who I should reconnect with on Facebook, I bet he knew Bin Laden's whereabouts as well, permitting Osama continued to "check in."

So what is it that makes us all want to take a piece of information and be the first to repost it (and creatively no doubt.) I was driving home from Junction City, Kansas the other day, great town by the way, and I saw a billboard that read "Wannabe Marxist Dictator" with a picture of Obama's face. My first instinct was, "oh this is status worthy for sure. I gotta share this with millions of people I don't know." But I withheld and asked myself, why? Why do I feel it necessary to repost something that I had never seen before, never will again, and really doesn't have an affect on my life in the least bit. So I just texted it to Chris instead. What did people do before they could share absolutely useless information the second they see it? Dinner table talk perhaps? Or did we just simply forget it? I just don't know. And like last night, obviously everyone around the world knew about the "death," so why the need to put it up on Facebook as fast as possible? Do we just need the satisfaction of knowing our input has been added? I think we all just want to be the first person to deliver the news. I know I'm guilty of it, anyone who posted today about Osama I was an uber Fb snob and thought "oh please you're just posting that today? That is like so 30 posts ago." It's kinda like getting to be the first to know your friend's engaged and then feeling superior because you're the first to redeliver to others.

But really, I think it's great. At last we have all found our voice. When something happens we're all just thinking what we're gonna comment about it and how fast we can get it done. Naturally, I could talk about Facebook for hours and the way it intrigues me. But I've got better things to do right now, like creep on albums and get to the bottom of a recent "I got the job!" post I need to get a little more info on. Like what job, where is it, and do I think I probably would have been more qualified for it. Just standard stuff.
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