Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Dear Santa

How are you?

Remember me? It's Taylor in Chicago.
Although I used to reside in Nebraska.
Here, maybe this will refresh your memory-

This is me after your visit circa 1988.
As you can tell by the look on my face you really dropped the ball this year.
I think it was something about giving me that knock off Cabbage Patch Doll I'm clutching
rather than a Polly Pocket Mansion as you were instructed.
Who knows though, I might also be pissed about the fact my mom clearly has me
dressed in my older sister's tights.
No worries, I don't hold grudges.

I'm just gonna get right to it because the fifth fire truck
has pulled up next to the apartment building across the street  and I'm just itching to
get outside with the rest of my nosey neighbors.
But if I find out they're just filming another episode of Chicago Fire again
I'm gonna be pissed.

Anyway, here it is:

****My Christmas Wish List 2012***

1. A longer fuse.
I'm really trying to work on my patience as of late,
you may have noticed from the photo above, my fuse tends to be a little short.
Yesterday I had to take something back to Nordstrom Rack for my mom,
and because I didn't have the receipt I ended up having to wait in line THREE different times
to get everything correct. In Christmas shopping lines I might remind you.
After attempt #1 I had steam coming from my ears,
I suffered a mini heart attack after attempt #2 and literally had to go outside
to calm myself down.
By the third try I was almost unintentionally starting fires with my eyes.
I feel like a longer fuse could have prevented those unnecessary breakdowns.

#2. A parking spot.
Santa, if you could work your magic with the Chicago Parking DicksWorkers
and secure me my very own spot right in front of my house
I would be forever grateful.
A spot where I wouldn't get tickets, or where people didn't think it was a fun
game to hit my bumper every day. This isn't asking much.
You got that little girl from Mrs. Doubtfire on 34th Street a house and a dad,
let's not act like a parking spot isn't possible.

This is the year you gave me a dollar store coloring book.
So that was neat. 

#3. A House.
Since I mentioned it, why not?
I'm tired of paying rent. I'm twenty-five-years old damn it,
and according to Facebook that means I should be a homeowner by now.
I'm very aware housing in Chicago can be pretty pricey,
so I'd even settle for just the floor of a lovely brownstone.
And you don't even need to throw in a dad, I've already got one of those.

#4. A Job I love.
For real this time.
I think I asked for this last year, as well.
But this year I'm serious.
Enough with the fake-chef dressing, stuffed cat prize throwing, cookie dough selling,
bizzarre positions you've thrown my way.
I'm ready for a career.
So if you could just send a few fat checks my way to tide me over so I can really
get to working on my next book idea/newest website business that'd be great.
Between you and I we could make this happen.
I'd even give you a shout out in my first best seller.
Just think about it, I know Mrs. Claus would go for it being the fame whore she is.
And I mean that in the best way.

#5. This dress.


Because nothing says "I'm here for a good time" more than a crushed black velvet
dress with a gold lace floral print.
I'd like to wear it on New Years Eve this year. Let's be honest, who wouldn't?
And talk about a good looking trio of 90s kids.
sidenote: to achieve those luscious curls I slept with my hair in "rags" the night before.
And if you don't know what this means you were probably rich enough to afford hot rollers.

And that should do it for my list this year.
It's short I know, that's because I'm blessed and I'm well aware of it.
Hope all is well on your end.
How's the whole weight watchers thing going by the way?
Don't feel bad, it hasn't been working for Jess Simps either.
Just say you're pregnant.

Anyway,
I know shit's probably getting real crazy right about now
so I won't keep you much longer.

TTYL SC,

Tay Tay
(Not to be confused with Taylor Momsen.)

Poor Cindy Lou Who. You certainly can't blame yourself for that one.

This has Easter Bunny written all over it.


Photobucket

18 comments:

  1. Can I just say I'm pregnant and that's way weight watchers isn't working for me? I think I longer fuse is at the top of my wish list as well. Lastly... that is a fabulous group of 90s kids.

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  2. Love love love. I had the most ridiculous dresses That matched my sister and my baby cousin!! Eak. I hope Santa grants your requests... Especially the job and house. House = more visitors right!?! Hehe have a great Thursday.

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  3. I'd like a house (I'm twenty five too) and a longer fuse as well I totally forgot Taylor Momsen was Cindy Lou Who. I was just thinking of watching that the other day. Now I must!

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  4. love this.

    i'm 25, too... and cindy lou who just made me feel REALLY old.

    how am i just now discovering your blog?? now following and looking forward to reading more.

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  5. ha ha at the coloring book...lol. too funny. Found you via Living in Yellow, now i feel compelled to follow you too.

    Have a great holiday!!!
    -REkita

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  6. I never knew that Taylor Momsen was Cindy Lou Who! That's a fun Christmas Fact! I always love your old school pics. I really need to break out my scanner and raid my moms photo albums.

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  7. i'm not going to lie my fuse is probably shorter than yours. It's bad. But Santa should be able to work his magic. why do some kids get better stuff than others??
    taylor momsen was the cutest in the Grinch, now she's a raging lunatic. child stars.

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  8. love all of your old photos, must get some from my mom too...but that would require me going through the bazillion (not exaggerating) photos...maybe another day, and I'll just live vicariously through you and your photos.

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  9. I found your blog last night via Living in Yellow and creeped on a few posts. You're hilarious; I'm hooked! Don't stop writing!

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  10. Love it! Came over from Living in Yellow (but I've been following for a while now :) At 24, facebook is making me think I'm super behind for not having a house and kids... I haven't even finished SCHOOL! (actually, that's not entirely true. I have a bachelors... I'm going to grad school). Also, I'm taking this crushed velvet and lace thing as a challenge. I WILL make a sexy party dress out of black velvet and gold lace.... :)

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  11. Oh my gosh. I'm laughing so hard right now. You can't believe everything on Facebook these days because according to it, I should be pregnant and yeah, that's just not happening ;) I think the pictures were a nice additional touch!

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  12. Facebook really can make you feel behind in life, like not having more than one baby daddy by the time you are 21. I need to step it up in life. They didn't use rags to curl my hair as a young tot they used socks and I hated every minute of it. Loving your pictures.

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  13. Visiting from Living In Yellow. This is seriously funny. Umm, what happened to Cidy Lou Who?!?

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  14. You had rags for your curls, we used tissues. And a house for Christmas I hope we both get that because that is on my Santa list too.

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  15. I'm 29 and we gots no house. And we don't live somewhere where houses are expensive as hell. I am so scurred of takin that jump. And, I like bein able to call other people to unclog the drain or change my air filter.

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  16. Found you through Living in Yellow (thanks Erin) and will be sticking around - you crack me up!

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  17. Hey!

    So I have been a followr for some time now, reading every post. I finally figured it out.....your calling is totally to be a comedian!

    Happy Holidays!!!
    XOXO

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  18. Santa better get it together this year. Starting with my major wish that everyone stop posting homeownership pictures on facebook. At this rate I'll probably own a home at 40

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