Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Tuesdays with Tiffany

Should I write “be mine” on my business card?


I’m Italian and WOP doesn’t bother me any.


Isn’t anybody going to say anything about my ruffly shirt today?


When I met Kyle Korver he touched my butt.


I think I took a diet pill on accident.


I really doubt I won’t have a Valentine, I have at least 15 gentlemen callers right now.


We don’t want to watch your kids meet f**king Cinderella.


What comes first in Bieber, the i or the e?


The other things aren’t that funny because I didn’t say them. (on my other blog posts)


I just can’t believe I’m such a good friend.


Do bowling shoes come in wedge?


I just have really sweaty hands is all.


Do you want to take a picture of me?


And that’s why poor people don’t have teeth.

Do not bring that Cinnamon roll into work. You will open up a can of worms.


Three things I hate: ponytails, scarves, and blazers.


So… Should I poke him on Facebook?


Ugh! It still tastes like lipstick! (on water from the water cooler)


It’s a sad day when you get to the bottom of your $13 peanut butter.


But why does New England have a football team? They’re not even a state.

Monday, January 30, 2012

Bachelor Edition- A league of their own.

I don't know about you, but I felt tonight's episode was beyond predictable. Everything from Ben sending Elyse back to the shore to him sending Jennifer back to her trailer in Alabama. The only thing missing was his Cuban Pete number and his ice cream truck.


Nicki: Here was a shocker- who knew she had so much junk in the trunk. Perhaps that's why she chose the lovely silk table cloth to wear on her date. She's a fashion risk taker, I like that.

So flattering. A real "vacation-y" kind of couple.
Blakely: Resist the urge to cry right before you get your rose. You're 33. He's not going to choose you in the end anyway. I'm sorry. Go meet a man at a baseball game. Or a bar. Your best bet at this point is to head back to your "VIP" waitressing job.

Lindzi: I love ya girlfriend, but you gotta stop bathing in the bronzer. I was scared for everyone when the sweaty baseball game was going down. I thought you were going to pull a Jesus Christ and wipe your face on a towel only to have your actual reflection shine back.



Jamie: WHO ARE YOU?! Are you the surrogate who carried Blue Ivy? Are you Zanny the Nanny? Did you kidnap that baby from KC? Are you Sandusky victim #14? I don't get it. Let go of your secret identity already.


Casey S: How your around I have no idea. You remind me a lot of that Bachelor Vienna when she chose that dumb girl Jake. Sorry you have to go home next week.

Kacie: Poor Kacie. Did you learn nothing from Monica Gellar? Get that shit taken care of. This isn't 1998.

Rachel- Girllllll you looking rough. Lay off the cigs and lay on the eye cream.


Courtney: Courtney's formula for talking sexy- lisp+like+baby talk+lisp+like+baby talk+ like= bit lip. Repeat as necessary until you can fully whore it out by letting a dorky guy live out his dreams, because after all "it's not every day a guy gets to skinny dip with a model." Gross. Have you not looked on Fb? Everyone is a model now.
 LOSERS

Jennifer: Don't cry because you went home and were ridiculously giddy right before it happened, cry because your hair is maroon.



Elyse: Perhaps a wedding dress on the beach wasn't the best idea. Back to the Tshirt shop you go.




I'm exhausted. Tonight was a doozy.




True dat.

Shit People Say on Mondays

I’m just so not in the mood for today.


I think I’m still hungover from Saturday.


Today is going soooooo slow.


I seriously hate my life right now.


I’m like so broke.


I’m just so tired is all.


I’m probably staying in this weekend.


It’s actually kind of nice out today. I might go for a run outside.


I really thought I was going to win the lottery on Saturday.


Has time stopped for anyone else?


I’m dreading going to the grocery store after work.


Should I put my status as “I hate Monday” or would that be dumb?


I don’t know why I’m so pissy today.


I just can’t wake up.

The weekend just went by really fast.


Today really sucks.


This coffee tastes like shit. I’m gonna get another cup.


I’m so pale.


It was like so hard to get up this morning.

I ate really bad all weekend. I hate myself.


Somebody just kill me.


I’m scared to check my bank account.


I’m eating really healthy this week.


Just like don’t talk to me today, okay?


I’m so hungry.


Is it lunch yet?


I just feel really fat.


Can we talk about this tomorrow?

I almost didn’t come in today.


I’m going to bed so early tonight.


I can’t wait to lay on my couch. I mean after I work out.


Are you going to watch the Bachelor tonight?


Courtney is such a buck toothed skank.


Is yogurt an okay snack? Greek yogurt obvi.


Does anyone have some something salty in their desk?


I have such a killer headache. I think I’m getting sick.


How is this day not over yet?


I just really hate Mondays.


Does anyone else see it?


Monday. Ugh.

Today is the last Monday of January. So why my spirits are so low, I’m not quite sure. Could have something to do with the diabetic crash I’m having on account of the large bag of Peachie-Os I ate, or maybe it was because Harlow slept on my head, snoring loudly into my face all night. Whatever the reason, I woke up with a shit cloud hovering overhead and haven’t been able to shake it. Not sure what my deal is. There’s just something about Mondays that make me feel as if I’m doomed for a lifetime of mediocrity. My thoughts can get pretty dramatic when I choose to sit in a pool of my own pity all day long.

Fo reals.
Speaking of pity... Rumor is Mark Zuckerberg is making the Facebook timeline mandatory in less than two weeks! That means for everyone else like myself resistant to online change, our old profiles are going to be getting the boot any day now! Perhaps that’s why I’m in such a shitty mood. I get anxiety just thinking about it. Why didn’t the Mayans predict this? Or maybe they did… What if all of the Mayan hoopla was just about the final change of Facebook? Wouldn’t that be something if we were all just reading it wrong this entire time.

At least the Bachelor is on tonight. Maybe that’s why God chose to play the Bachelor on Monday’s, because He wanted to make the rest of us at least feel better about the fact we’re not a bunch of bat shit crazy woman all going after the same unattractive man with scraggly hair and beady little eyes. Then again, maybe not. I doubt God watches the Bachelor. He strikes me as more of a Man vs Wild kind of guy. Or Pawn Stars.


Can we stop pretending he's not cross-eyed already?

Sunday, January 29, 2012

And today...

 The sunshine tricked us into thinking it was nice outside. It wasn't... Well, at least I don't consider 28 degrees an ideal day to "play at the beach." Harlow, however did.


But he has so much fun here.


I think Harlow enjoys it too.


We came home just in time for the Bulls game. Naturally, I made nachos for the occasion. But not just any kind of nachos. I'm talking grilled chicken, Ricardos beans, shredded Mexican cheese, put in the oven to finish them off kind of nachos. I even switched to broil for the last 3 minutes to get that really good crispy flavor. They were delicious. So delicious in fact I slipped into a noma (nacho coma) immediately after eating them. 

I woke up to a smoky filled kitchen- and since our kitchen is basically our entire house, I mean a smoky filled house. Chris casually asked if I had left the oven on. In most cases it wouldn't be a huge deal to leave an oven on for an hour longer. But our oven was built in 1872 and is ran by a village of small elves that start very large gasoline induced fires visible to the naked eye. So I guess you could say it was kind of a "big deal" to leave the oven on broil for 45 minutes too long. 

Every plastic utensil that was sitting atop the stove had melted down to its handle. The salt shaker was 50% of its usual size. I'm assuming the only reason the smoke alarm didn't go off is because it's sitting a top our kitchen table right now with the batteries removed. It kept beeping in the middle of the night so one evening Chris was proactive and just ripped it from the ceiling.

No harm no foul. I'm just pissed I lost my favorite utensil. A good spatula is so hard to come by.





 

Yesterday..

In an attempt to beat the January blues Chris and I snuck off to our favorite fish bar a couple blocks down the street.

Something about eating oysters just makes me feel like I'm on vacation. Sometime I'll tell you about the story when I brought home an oyster shell from Minnesota when I was eight years old and my brother convinced me it was attracting spiders in my bedroom and it must be removed immediately. Luckily, he volunteered to be the brave soul to do it- and for only $10. Which to an eight year old is pretty much the equivalent of $1,000.


Maybe it was because we had just watched King Pin the night before, but Chris and I decided to continue our Saturday fun at the bowling alley. Go figure. Even though I was still sore from my bowling shenanigans on Wednesday, I knew deep down all great athletes must persevere through the pain anyway.


That's Roy Munson form if I've ever seen it.


But I can't bowl without beverages. It just would't feel right.


The thing about day drinking is that is always seems like such a good idea. Until the evening rolls around and you're either extremely wasted or hungover by 8:30. In our case, Chris was passed out by 9 and I was 
on the couch with a plate of nachos watching Dance Moms. Not a bad Saturday night in my book. That Maddie is such a talented little girl I could watch her step-ball-change for hours.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Long story short.


Long story short: the fancy cosmetic dentist who works across the hall from me fixed my dagger tooth free of charge today because he thought I was a sad little homeless girl. It was awesome.

Here's a few minor details:

One of Dr. Smile's other client's is Bill Rancic (Giuliana's husband duh.) He's just one of the many celebs who turn to Smile Chicago to get their grill fixed.

I didn't shower before work today. I dressed in a weird dress/shirt circa 2007 paired with some gnarly leggings I put on while still drunk. I may or may not have brushed my hair.

My eyes were bloodshot. I had Duncan Donuts on my breath.

I walked across the hall to the dentist office empty handed because I had planned to just pop in to ask for advice. I didn't actually intend to appear quite so homeless.

When I explained I had no money I meant on me, not in general.

The doctor looked at me with kind eyes when I told him I had a sword like tooth in the back of my mouth. Then he kindly told me it would be okay and he would see what he could do.

The doctor and his attractive hygienist patted me on the back when I left the room.

I waited behind another patient to discuss payment with the receptionist. But she waved me off and smiled and said "I'll come find you."

So I walked back to my office.

Minutes later she appeared and told me, "No charge today, sweetheart. This one was on us." Then she too patted me on the back...

It was all pretty weird. I never get called sweetheart.















Bowls of fun

When did bowling shoes get so dapper?

So last night was my first work bowling event. And besides the fact I cracked my tooth, lost my purse, called a table full of i-bankers a bunch of douche bags and was eventually told by our HR girl to "take myself home", I'd say it was a pretty great night. Not a good bowler though, not at all. So unfortunately I missed out on all of the great prizes my boss was handing out. Like I've said before, my boss is extremely generous. All the losing team got however was extremely wasted. Or maybe that was just me. I've never taken losing very well.

We played at a bowling alley right off of Michigan avenue. It was a little different than Kings Lanes in Norfolk. I didn't see one single pregnant teenager smoking cigarettes in the bathroom or trying to break into the condom machine, so it just didn't have that real authentic bowling alley feel to me. But I managed to have fun anyway.
                                       

Immediately following our bowling fun we headed over to a great little bar on State street called Rossi's. I can't help but think this is where I might have gotten into a little bit of trouble. Rossi's is a real hole-in-the-wall, so naturally I fell in love with it the minute we walked inside and were hit with a shit storm of stale cigarette smoke and glares from the regs. I don't know what it is about shitbars that make me feel so at home drunk. 

Well one thing leads to another and next thing I know I've lost my purse and have insulted an entire table of investment bankers. Good old Tiffers apparently told the gentlemen that I was a blogger and when they asked what I blog about I responded with "douche bags like you." That was so rude of me. I don't know why I feel the need to be so sassy sometimes. But in all reality they were pretty douchey. 


Somewhere in between Rossi's, getting told to go home by HR, and calling my mom in a very drunken ramble from a taxi, I cracked my tooth. I woke up this morning with a shark tooth so sharp I nearly pierced my tongue. And then I remembered I'm out of dental insurance money thanks to my little wisdom teeth extraction. Shit just got real.


Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Blogging is so hot right now.

Blogging is so hot right now. If you’re not doing it, you should. One of my consultants, Dannie, is always giving me tips on the hottest blogs at the moment. And from what I’ve gathered, the thing that separates me from making enough blog money to drink for a night, to making enough blog money to drink enough for an entire month is the BFF. Babies. Food. Fashion. People eat this shit up apparently. It’s what sets me a part from 75 followers and 75,000.





This is me riding my bike around the city. Nbd.

So I have to start posting more photos of Knox doing cute stuff, popular baby photos include messy food faces, bath time fun and trying on silly hats in stores As for food, well Chris and I typically eat Tony’s Pizza for dinner so I hope a photo of a pizza box will suffice? And my “fashion” is work attire. So get ready for me to dazzle the shit out of you with all of my faded black pencil skirts that I pair with another shade of a faded black long sleeved Target shirt (like the expensive kind that you buy in their “working woman” section) that I tie all together with whatever scarf was still hung on my coat from the night before.




Your furniture doesn't look like this? Too bad.

The other thing I have to do is really start fancying my life up to make you feel bad about yours. Some of the most popular blogs I’ve seen are written by an unusually gorgeous women about her sickly beautiful husband and their stupidly pretty child and all of the fun shit they do together- all while dressed like they just stepped out of an Anthropology magazine. They go to the park and they go to lunch and they make holiday crafts and they drink wine while they cook pretty looking healthy meals. I scroll through all of their photos and am left feeling completely disgusted with my own life. I don’t wear lipstick during the day. Or night. Because I look like a tranny.



Crafts time! We're so cute!
Where are the photos of them lying on their couch with a bad of Doritos and a Dt. Mt Dew? Maybe covered up with a blanket that is drenched in dog hair. No? Just me? Nobody else comes straight home from work with great intentions of doing productive things and instead chooses to pop in a frozen meal and lay on the couch watching hours of reality TV while browsing Facebook waiting until the moment it’s time to have a post dinner snack and then drift off to sleep… Me neither. I’m a blogger. My life is so cool.




Do I really need a caption.




Check out RockStar Diaries blog (the first 3 photos) if you're in the mood to feel bad about yourself.

And everyday before work...


I kind of hate this city. This gas better come infused with Adderall. 

My road rage here is going to give me a heart attack by the time I turn 26.


And my pedestrian rage? Turns out less people know how to walk, than they do drive.


Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Everyday after work...


I really love this city.


Even if I have to work across the street from this whorish statue.


And especially when I get the novelty of riding in a car. I can't risk getting into any more fights with homeless people on the train.


So...


Are we all just going to pretend no one noticed Sarah Jessica Parker's face at the State of the Union address? The coloring on the side of his face looks like the coloring on the side of... well... Obama's face. Yellow is the new black.

Tuesdays with Tiffany

I’m going balls deep on this one.



My mom gets her haircut for $8.00 And she uses a coupon.



Do you know why my hair looks so good? It’s called Brilliant Brunette.



Is it dumb to buy a lot of wash cloths from American Apparel?



What am I NOT good at?



I have a red pen I am going to use all of February.



I liked that she was dating a guy with a f**ked up face. (On Heidi and Seal)



My heart is pounding really hard, do you think it was the diet pill?



I’m like a dog, I don’t like vacuums or thunderstorms.



It’s like the 90s version of Black Swan. (On Center Stage.)



My dad is such a great whistler.



Do you ever get nervous?



I love Chicago sports Tshirts. I want to buy 100 more.



Can I trade you the blue pen for the green pen for a little bit?

LFM #13 Happy Bday Knox




Dear Knox,


You're officially one year old today. I can hardly believe it. It seems like it was just yesterday we were having drinks and appetizers at Kona’s happy hour anxiously awaiting your arrival. And then around 8:45 p.m. you walked right out of Jade’s uterus and into the world with a smile on your face and Pumas on your feet. You probably don’t remember it, but you had an awesome Facebook day. I was pretty jealous, little did I know you’d go on to have an awesome Facebook year. You’re like that FbBaby I would normally despise because you’re always posting cute pics of yourself that are sure to get at least 1,000 notifications. But I don’t despise you at all… unless you start posting pics of yourself in the bathroom of a club- then we gotta talk.

But all jokes aside, how was your first year? I know it can be quite the adjustment from the womb and all, but after you get over that initial shock you’re not really a merman, it’s not that bad. And if you think it’s “bad,” well then you’ve got a long life ahead of you. I see how you spend your days. It’s a series of opening drawers, throwing everything within reach onto the ground and eating anything you can fit into your mouth. So really, our days are pretty similar. The only difference is you’re still in the glorious AWS (ass wiping stage.) Enjoy it. That’s how God let us humans know, as opposed to animals, that we’re supposed to care for our infants and elderly longer- He gave us butt cheeks. It’s going to be at least 90+ more years until you’re there again (hopefully.)

Really though, enjoy these next few years. It's pretty much all downhill after five. You'll have to start doing more and more shit for yourself all of the time. Gradually at first, like forging your parents signature on a homework slip or something, but then one day you'll turn around and it's your own signature you're forging. I can't tell you how often I've looked at you, all cozy in your fleece pi's in the middle of an afternoon, sucking back on a bottle, ordering Jade around all over the place, and I've wanted to trade places. Like wanted to more than I probably should have. Life is just a bowl of Cheerios right now for you. But before you know it, it will be a bunch of staffing calls. And unpaid bills. And landlords who tell you your dog can't take a piss on your own front yard. Kidding. You'll probably play college football and walk right into a cozy medical supply job or some weird investment only former college football players get to know about because old men are still obsessed with them, even in the business world (if all goes according to your mom's plan anyway... )

In the meantime, here's some advice someone told me on my first birthday.

The two most important things you need to master in the next five years will be gym class and lunch. Master these two and you're golden for the next 50. Learn to socialize and learn to run fast and the rest will fall into place.

And if that doesn't work out just call me, I'm not above insulting bully-children, especially if they're dicking you around. Never forget, it's a hard Knox life but you're harder. But right now you're all soft and cute so let's just keep it at that. Hope you have a wonderfully amazing first birthday enjoying all of your new toys. Like the bounce house, and trampoline, and tunnel, and ball pit. Like I said, times are good for you right now. I got a doll for my first birthday made by an orphan child in the village of Honolulu as that's where your lovely grandparents were vacationing the day I rang in my first birthday. I think I might have even made my own birthday cake that year, as well. But that's okay, it's all a part of the fun of being the youngest of three.

A few bday toys...
And a few more.
And one more.

Talk to you soon, Knox. Happy 1st birthday. Maybe if you play your cards right you might have your own Facebook page by this time next year. I'll work on talking to your parents about this one.   
My first birthday gift. I called her Maria.  

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