Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Sorry I'm Not Sorry

Before we forget everything about the 2012 Oscars except the fact a silent movie wiped up and Angelina Jolie's leg was as obnoxious as little Shiloh's gender confusion...I'd like to share a write up from guest blogger Shanna Lakin at www.celebritizedchicago.com.

                               Here is an open letter to the stars at the Academy Awards

Dear,

Clooney: I thought I'd let you know it amazes me that in real life I wouldn't go for a guy over 30. However, for you I would push the envelope...by 20 years.

Shailene Woodley: I LOVED your dress. I have to know which nun designed it!


Pharell: You looked about as natural in a tuxedo as Kim Kardash looks in conservative clothing.


Emma Stone: We already figured the drapes matched the carpet, but the dress really needed to also?


Jennifer Lopez: You, your nipple, and Cameron Diaz did an awesome job presenting the award for best costume design.

Rooney Mara: A beautiful face can pull off being flat, but it takes a great ass to pull of indentations in your chest. Nice work girlfran

Puff Daddy: (Diddy, Sean, pdiddy?) I appreciate that you read my blog post on middle parts. I take full responsibility for not specifying that it was directed towards women.

Sacha Baron Cohen: Sucks you weren't nominated this year, at least you won Douche Bag of the night award.



Tuesdays with Tiffany

Can I put my workout clothes on now? (at 11:24 a.m.)

Excuse me, I’m still drunk and can’t talk yet.

Shit, it’s been a long morning. (8:08 a.m.)

I should become a radio Dj.

Do you think I should wear my high heels in case I see some hotties?

Why the f*&k is she sipping on chamomile anyway? (referring to Gwen Stefani.)

Purple nail best friends!

I just really love my silk sheets.

Yes!!! I’m only 16 connections away from 500 on Linkedin.

I just really don’t like the age 23. 20 was definitely my best year.

You guys, feel my butt. Feel it.

The 90s make me all warm and fuzzy. Like they give me the fuzzies.

I take a bath everyday. Twice a day, sometimes three even.

How fun is it going to be during the 4th of July when we can use our red and blue pens all month?

I’m going to use my whole bottle of white out on these cancelled dinners. (so her planner doesn’t look ugly.)

You guys, Miley Cyrus’s boyfriend is so sexy.

I seriously can’t stop thinking about Miley and Liam. Is that pathetic?

Monday, February 27, 2012

Bach Edition: Fantasy Suite

Fantasy Suite episode weirds me out. The girls are all sappy and emotional, Ben acts all creepy and sensual, and I just can't stop thinking of Maxine from Arthur the entire time.

They're all making out in a hot tub like a bunch of horny 7th graders, Ben's hair is drippy and wet, and they say "fantasy suite" as least 25 times a minute. And who says that anyway...Fantasy Suite... I'll tell you who. Girls at the Bunny Ranch. 


The term "fantasy suite" should be used inside the state lines of Nevada only.

I'm so tired of listening to the same old stories, I could puke. Nicki is open to love, Lindzi is guarded, and Courtney is a trick. It's just all so predictable.

Nicki & Ben

"How many kids do you want to have?"-Nicki
"Well my sister and I have talked about this before. And we said four."-Ben
What every woman wants to hear when asking this question.

Lindzi & Ben

"The ice-queen has melted."-Lindzi
"Wait, what do you mean?" -Ben
"Ice-queen, it's the brand of my bronzer. I need to go reapply real quick."-Lindzi

Courtney & Ben
"Hey Cow."- Ben
"Is Emily here?"-Courtney

And then... When all hope is lost and I'm so sick of this pathetically boring episode and the thought of Ben "seducing" these poor woman and am ready to watch Gold Rush with Chris when she comes on screen. 

Emily. Maynard. In all her glory.

Isn't she lovely? Yes. Yes she is.

Can we just end Ben's season now and get on to Emmers? I can only imagine the type of suitors she'll attract. Probably celebs. And I don't even care that we're going to have to watch her creepy child Ricki Bobby along the way. Sometimes you just have to take the good with the bad.


And just when I was getting comfortable with Em, Kacie B. came stumbling in on the brim of an anxiety attack, breathing all heavy and nervous like she was Mary Katherine Gallagher.

I have no idea what the point of her return was, but I can only assume it had to do with her newly-straightend hair.

And in the end... It was Fran who got the boot. Too bad so sad.

But it's okay, "her gentleness and kindness doesn't go unnoticed." Just unwanted.


And then there were two. Does Ben choose Helicopter or Hot Tub? Tune in next week...








It's Monday.

In preparation of my upcoming trip to Italy (just two weeks away holler!) I decided I should spend the weekend pampering myself to ensure I have that pretty American glow when I'm abroad. I was going to spoil myself with a new hair cut and color, mani and pedi, and perhaps some teeth whitening. I figured why not, I deserve it. 

And then I remembered that in preparation of my upcoming trip to Italy I have no money. None. Thus enters the White Trash pampering session.

How to pamper yourself WT style:

Hair color: Check.
I'm quite sure the orange gloss it left behind is going to fade quite nicely into a very beautiful yellow any day now.

Teeth Whitening: Check.
Baking soda doesn't just freshen your fridge, it whitens your teeth, as well. So if you ever notice a line of white powder hanging on my bathroom sink, well now you know why.

Mani/Pedi: Check. Thanks Harlow!

Kidding! I actually used a real nail clipper this time I swear!

Spray tan: Done!

Jergins + me applying while watching Dance Moms=

American glow.

And then make sure to treat yourself to a fancy meal after all is said and done:


There's not a lot I haven't gotten used to while living Chris. We're pretty comfortable with each other, sometimes too comfortable. But the one thing I can't shake, the thing that I refuse to let him be around while I'm doing, is self coloring my hair. If you've ever done such an activity you know what I'm talking about.

My previous girl roommates have all seen it, and they agree it's not pretty. With just my roots all dark and slathered in hair dye, and my ends completely dry and blonde looking- I transform into a very scary Joe Dirt-esque looking woman.
Pretty sure I look something like this.

It was a quick fix. Most likely I'll end up paying to have it dyed professionally in a couple of weeks when it is full blown hay-yellow.

Happy Monday. We're just four days away from Friday... ugh.









Sunday, February 26, 2012

And the Oscar Goes To...

Let's take a moment to reflect back on some of the lesser known awards given out at the 2012 Academy Awards. Congrats to everyone. What a wonderful night it was!

Best (worst) Hair that Matches Friend's Dress Award:
Sarah Hyland & Kelly Osborne!

























One Mustache Away From Being Hitler Award:
Rooney Mara!

























Scariest New Face Award:
(this was a particularly close race) Melanie Griffith!


Cutest Hair Style Channeling the 90's:
Cameron Diaz!

Hottest Straight (Secretly Gay so Dating a Pretty Blonde) Couple:
TIE! George and Stacy & Ryan and Julianne!




Cutest Little Boy in a Dress:
Michelle Williams!

I'm Usually Really Pretty But Kind of Dropped the Ball Trying to Look Cool Award:
Emma Stone!



Best Pinterest Bun:
Jennifer Lopez!

Best Look Inspired by a Disney Movie:
Rooney Mara again!

I Can't Break out of My ABC Family Wardrobe Award:
Shailene Woodley!


I'm Not on E! But Still Pretend to Host a Pre Show Award:
Robin who?

I Got Too Drunk to Do My Hair Award:
Kristen Wiig


Most Remembered Award:
The Creepy Audio Sounds Coming Through All Night



Hands Down Best Moment of the Night:
Sacha dumps ashes on Ryan! 



And that's my recap. One of these days I'll be at the Oscars. Not sure how, or what for, but it's going to happen. (www.seatfillers.com)



Do me a favor and go to www.guinness.com and enter the code DAIL if you haven't. I mean why not, it's not like you're doing anything else right now. Please and thank you!

Friday, February 24, 2012

For doggy lovers.


Nobody could pull off the chain necklace look quite like Jagz


Yesterday was a somber day. But I promised myself I wouldn’t dwell on the sadness of losing Jagz and would instead delight in the fact at how many dog lovers there are out there. I know I sound like a Facebook Girl, but the outpouring of support and kindness on Fb from others shown in honor of our little (big) Jagzy was pretty sweet. I bet he’s running in awkward circles and letting out excited squeals in doggy heaven just seeing all of the love. I just hope he doesn’t get too excited (if you catch my drift) that’s not exactly the best first impression to make...


Chris and I came home last night and hugged Harlow a little bit longer. When he tugged on the leash, I ran a little faster. When he whimpered to stay at the dog park longer, we pulled our hoods down further and tolerated the Chicago snow storm that was blowing in. And when he dropped a big deuce on the sidewalk I picked it up without a second glance. Chris really needs to learn how to hold it when we’re outside...


On a brighter note, the children’s book that Kam and I created is officially in print! Woo hoo! It’s not officially ready to be shared with the world quite yet as we have just a few more edits to finish. But it’s close, we’re talking a couple of weeks close. 
So what next you might ask? We’re asking ourselves the same thing. When it’s officially time to start selling we’re thinking we’ll set up shop on etsy.com with a paypal account so orders can start coming! We’re also going to have it on Amazon, as well. One step at a time... I'm just truly so excited with the quality of the book. It's just really pretty, and I can say that because it's definitely Kam's images that make it this way. I really can't say enough about her illustrations, so I won't. You need to see it for yourself and you'll understand.
Since we are self publishers and not reality stars (yet) we are going to rely heavily on YOU and word of mouth. i.e. Facebook, Twitter, Blogs (follow me for updates!) Pinterest, ext. I’ve given Facebook some of the best years of my life, so I’m really hoping it will come through for me, as well.

My dream is to get this book in the hands of Mason Disick, then it would for sure go viral. And when that happens, someone please remind me ASAP to take down all of the bad shit I have ever written about the Kardashians. I’ve always liked Mason and Scott, however.
In the meantime, Kam and I will be knocking on the doors of every book store, baby store, and liquor store in Chicago and Austin trying to promote this baby. If you have any suggestions of stores, or places, or people, or anything random you’d like to share that could help us out please don’t hesitate to contact one of us or leave a comment below.
Kam and I are pushers and we’re gonna make this work. We don’t know how exactly, but soon enough you’re going to see “A Bottle For You. A Bottle For Me.” in a book store. I just hope it’s not like The Help where everyone is trying to guess who it’s about. Because I’d feel awfully bad if someday Knox knew I referred to his shit as a caramel chew...

Well, the man sitting next to me at Starbucks with extreme tourettes screaming "ELEPHANT!" "HIPPO!" "ELEPHANT HIPPO SQUIRREL" is telling me it's probably time to head back to work. Have a great Friday!


Ps. Please go to http://www.guinness.com/ and enter the code DAIL to be in a drawing to win a bunch of prizes and a trip to Dublin! Just do it... Seriously. Tell your friends.

One ear up, one ear down. It's just kinda how he lived his life.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Jagz.

The dog community lost a good one today. Sad to say that Jagz Wolfe passed away this morning.



After one last breakfast, he headed back into his bed for a quick nap, and didn't wake up. And knowing my parents, his last breakfast could have been anything from scrambled eggs with Italian sausage, or oatmeal with fresh fruit, perhaps even eggs benedict with a seafood hollandaise drizzle on top. Jagz was a food snob, he ate only the best of the best. So I'm sure he went out on a high note.

Jagz might not have been the fastest dog, his ears didn't always stand up like they should, he often sat like an overweight 45 year old man, but he was a good dog. I'm not going to pretend him and I didn't have our rough patches. Because we most certainly did. I carry a lot of guilt with me in the fact that I was a real bitch to him throughout most of high school.

With both Jade and Jordan off to college, Jagz and I often found ourselves fighting for the "only child" role. We fought over the best spot on the couch, the most comfy blanket, what to watch on TV, who got to lick the remains of my mom's mixing bowls. It was pretty much a constant battle between us two.



But regardless of how cold I was to him, he was always there just as excited to see me walk through the door as if I'd been gone for five years. Dogs are great like that. They like you just as you are, even if that means a rude little 16 year old bitch.

I regret I didn't take him on enough walks. And when I did, I always got so frustrated with how much he pulled. He pulled because he was excited, what's so wrong with that? Every once in a while we could use someone like Jagz, to pull us along in life when we're at a stand still.

But we reconciled within the past years. Or at least I did, he never really seemed to be mad at me in the first place.

I like to think he went peacefully. He took one last look around the living room, said good bye to Izzy, let out one big doggy yawn and walked to bed knowing his time here was done. He had taught the Wolfe family all there was to know.

He taught us that pills are better wrapped in turkey. 
Running shoes means it's go-time.
 Bury your bones for a rainy day.
Never pass on a car ride just for the fun of it.
Greet the ones you love with enthusiam.
Be loyal.
Nothing beats a good day on the couch.
Take risks (like laying on the forbidden couch.)
Bask in the sun just because it feels good.
A good scratch behind the ears, or under the neck, can cure anything.
Squirrels are not to be trusted.
The best shade in the backyard is behind the bushes near the alley.
When you hear a good song, howl it at the top of your lungs.
 Life is too short not to lick a plate.
Enjoy the small things.
Welcome every new day with your tail wagging.



We think dogs need us. But sometimes I think we need them just as much.


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