Thursday, May 31, 2012

Oh, the Places I've Worked

Today I headed out to the lovely suburbs to meet some of my new coworkers.
They are a lively bunch, very nice and welcoming.
And all married with children (some almost my age even) 
and clearly think of me as a little girl.
Which is a-okay with me. 
I enjoy being the youngest. It suits me I think.

Well we got on the subject of some of their first jobs.
Which made think of some of my first jobs.
And I have had quite a few. 
Some more random than others, let me list a few...

1. Newspaper Delivery Girl- 
This was my very first "job." 
My entire route was basically an old folks home so it was pretty easy.
All was good until Mr. Sandusky on the 9th floor tried to bate me into his
apartment with a licorice rope, even at 10 years old I knew shit
got a little weird when he tried to kiss me on my cheek.
So I kneed him in the groin and ran the hell out.

Lesson Learned: Always stick up for yourself.
and don't take candy from old men.

2. YMCA Soccer Ref-
At 12 years old I decided I should ref soccer for the peewees.
Once I got that whistle in my hands I felt powerful.
So powerful in fact I didn't think twice about throwing
any parent/coach/fan out of the stands for "sassing me."
I wasn't asked to come back the following season.
I was a bit feisty when I was younger...

Lesson Learned: People are allowed their own opinion.



3. Hy Vee Grocery Bagger-
At 14 I jumped at the chance to get a job here.
I still don't know why.
You couldn't work the register until you were 16 so my tasks were bagging and cart corral.
I figured out real fast cart corral sucked.
So instead, I'd buy a soda at the machine outside, walk to the very back of the parking lot
and then sit (hide) behind the biggest SUV I could find until someone came 
looking for me.
This job lasted about 3 months.

Lesson Learned: Don't put bread on the bottom of the sack.

4. Lifeguard-
Oh boy, this was a good job.
I did this for two summers even, which for my track record with jobs was pretty incredible.
On cloudy days my fellow lifeguards and myself
would sit in the "hut" and see how fast we could eat a bag of popcorn.
Or how many Saltines we could eat without water.
Or ketchcup packets.

Lesson Learned: Country Club moms can be very bitchy.
Someday I hope to be one.

5. Beer Cart Girl-
Great job for tips, not so great for my "social skills" which obvi meant less tips...
I don't do well "socializing" with  people annoying men.
I never have, and probably never will.
So when one of the gentlemen on the course creeped on my lower back tattoo 
(judge me, I know)
and said, "oh I see you have a tattoo, what's that mean?"
and I responded with,
"it means you shouldn't be looking there,"
I knew that was probably my last time beer carting.

Lesson Learned: Don't get a tattoo in Vegas when you're 16.

6. Fundraiser for University aka telemarketer-
In college I called alumni and asked for donations. 
It was at this job I practiced all of my accents,
Suthurrrn, New Yawk, Joysey, and Eenglish.
Turns out, I don't do well with people hanging up on me,
as for the ones that just wanted to yell at me,
I did just fine with them.

Lessons Learned: Colonel is pronounced Kernel.

7. Culinary Specialist- 
First job out of college where I dressed as a chef and displayed knife skills
and various recipes for high school students.
Or as I like to call it,  a circus performer.
I can't believe it's already been a year since my last culinary demonstration!
Oh how I miss the days of nasty teens telling me my food tasted like vomit,
or asking me to Prom,
or telling me I look like Drew Barreymore...

Lesson Learned: Teenagers are awful. 

and then of course I had some other jobs I haven't mentioned
like when I worked for a publication called Tractor House,
or
when I traveled with the Carnies working for the lottery one summer,
but those stories need their own post.

But I have a feeling this new job is going to provide me with 
a lot of blogging material...


PS... For the month of June I am going to participate in a 
guest posting blitz
I just made that name up but it sounds good I think.
So basically if you have a blog, I don't care how big or small, 
(even if you only have like 2 followers) 
 and would like to get a little more exposure from my following
or just be lazy for a day and let me post instead of you
or whatever reason let me know and I'd love to guest post on your site!
Contact me at thedailytay@gmail.com and let's set something up.

Or don't contact me and I'll just keep rambling on here.
Whatever works.












Wednesday, May 30, 2012

RUDY!


I waited at least two days to discuss this.
I told myself I wasn't going to, but I just can't help it.
It's not everyday you can google "Florida man eats face"
and have at least 100 different stories pull up,
all written in the last day.

Rudy Eugene is the man who lost his life
in the name of cannibalism Monday morning.
I can't help but wonder how this particular day started for ol' Rudy.
Did he wake up and know it was his last day on earth?
Or did he wake up thinking, 
Mmm Mmm I could go for some eggs and face right about now. 

And what about the victim-homeless man?
Wonder if he ever thought that one day his face might get eaten off.
Actually, the more I think about it,
I bet this might be a common fear among homeless people.
"Don't forget to lock up the cardboard at night,
don't want to get your face eaten off!"
is probably what they say, or they do now at least.

And should I touch on the really scandalous part of all this?
The whole naked thing.
I mean, all of the zombies I've seen wear clothes.
Was this some sort of a trade off I wonder?
Like, you show me yours, I'll show you mine
and then I'll eat your face-
type of thing?

It's all just too much.
If only Notre Dame would have let him play in just one more game,
perhaps all of this could have spared...

RUDY! RUDY! RUDY!

I just hope the homeless man pulls through.
And when he does
here are a few things that should probably never be said around him.
Ever again.

They've been sucking face.
I could just eat you up!
We have to face it head on.
Did you see that road kill?
I feel like death right now.
and also
I look like death right now.
Remember when Nickelodeon Jr had "Face"
I'm so hungry I could eat anything.
You need to just face the facts.
Have you seen the movie Face Off?
Just put your best face forward.









Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Bach Edition- Breakfast in Bed.

Starting off the episode with breakfast in bed.


Why does this not surprise me.
I bet Emily's mom serves her b&b every morning.
And knowing Emily she probably doesn't even spill crumbs in her sheets.
If someone gives me breakfast in bed it's for two reasons-
I'm either turning seven years old (thanks mom)
or I'm too hungover to get out of bed (thanks Chris.)
And when it's the latter of the two it's usually fast food
 that inevitably gets spilled all over the sheets
and ketchup and grease is hard to get out.
Which is why I'm not not high on the whole breakfast in bed notion.

Anyway,
I feel like this episode consisted of a few things-
a. country singing
b. awkward country dancing
c. guys crying
d. Dolly Parton giving love advice... giggles.


And how about that group date?
If someone took me to a park and then unleashed a bunch of eight year olds
on me I'd go absolutely nuts.
So touche to all of the guys and how they pretended to be having an awesome time
with all of that.
Although it clearly upset Tony...
You know, Tony the lumber jack from Beaverton, Oregon-
the guy
who cried obsessively on the phone with his little boy,
"he's just at home, playing games, and I'm here
and he's like where's dad? and I'm like, dad went to find love."
And then he got sent home.
Bet Tony didn't see the whole 
"I just really love my kid and that's what we have in common" 
backfiring like it did.
Maybe now all of the other guys will stop pretending they have children, as well.


And then that one-on-one with Arie...
The time when Emily showed all of us her comical shitty side.
I usually despise all guys on this show, but I actually kinda like Arie.
So when Emmers tried to "mess with him"
and pretend he got cut I damn near threw my phone at the TV.
But then I look at photos like this-


But we all went through weird phases in the early 2000's...
And who hasn't posed like this dressed in a race car suit before?

Is it just me,
or does Kalon need to stop watching Cruel Intentions?
He is not, and never will,
Sebastian. 



He's a digger.
Like the way he kept digging himself in a deeper and deeper hole.
"I always thought my first child would be my own."
and
"I love when you talk, but would you let me finish?
and
"Shut your the hell up or I'm going to punch you."

Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse better
Allesandro opens his big foreign mouth.


All I heard was
"blah blah blah your daughter is a compromise."
I think that's all Emily heard, as well.

By the time we got to the rose ceremony there was 
only one guy left to be sent home.
And unfortunately that guy had to be  the creepy
DJ/ robotic dancer with the weird hair and chiklets for teeth.

Until next time, lead the life-










Long Time No See

How is today already Tuesday?
And why do "long weekends" always feel so damn short?
It literally feels like it was just five minutes ago I was picking
 up Chris from work last Friday 
ready for the nine hour drive to Nebraska...

As it turns out,
everybody else in Chicago was getting out of the city for the weekend as well.
It took us probably sixty minutes to drive 15 miles.
I finally had to just turn my GPS off because each minute that was added 
onto my estimated arrival time made my blood pressure rise higher and higher.
So here's a brief review of my weekend in pics:

Rode seven hours with two dogs on my lap.
Harlow and Marley.
Har and Mar.

Got to Chris's cabin around 1:30 a.m.


Watched as Chris transformed from a 25 year old to a five year old
being back at his old Summer Haven.
He was so excited to fish Saturday morning he woke up by 7:30 a.m.
to get his pole ready and start "organizing his tackle box."
The last time I attempted to organize a tackle box
I accidentally got a fish hook stuck in my lip... I thought it was a gummy worm!
But that's a story for another time.

Anyway,
I left Fremont Saturday morning around 10:00 a.m.
to return to my summer haven.


A little gem I like to call Casa de Wolfe 
in the paradise town of Norfolk.
This is the view from my bedroom, pretty nice eh?
I'm lying.
The "view" from my bedroom is now blocked by the
large elliptical my parents have placed in there.


And then the rest of the weekend was pretty much spent
playing in the pool,


and watching and photographing 
Knox's every move.

'
I don't know how Jade gets anything done.
Or any mom for that manner.
He is always on the move.
Running, walking, falling, eating, crying,
screaming, laughing, pooping, dancing.
Sometimes all at once.




I think it's this sick game he invented where he
literally attempts to go through every action (and emotion)
 listed in the dictionary in less than 24 hours.
He usually wins.


And I just sat back and watched.

Toward the end of all of the fun 
I was reminded what I don't miss about Nebraska-
tornados.
Half way through our wonderful barbecue the sirens started blaring
and wall clouds were moving in on us.


Naturally, if you grew up in tornado alley
you don't run to the basement when there's a tornado warning.
You run to get your binoculars.
As the rest of us were hightailing it downstairs,
my dad stood outside on a stool trying to get a glance 
of the tornado tail before it hit ground.

Luckily, it never did.

And then boom it was Monday morning 
and it was time to drive back to Chicago.
And here I am.

Chris talked me into leaving Harlow at the lake with his parents for the next three weeks.
It's very quiet here without him.
I don't know what I was thinking.
I might drive back this weekend and pick him up...








Thursday, May 24, 2012

TGIAHW! and the difference between Whores and Horses...

Well TGIF! 
and TGIAHW!
(Thank God It's A Holiday Weekend) 
It's just not as catchy as tgif though, huh?
I hope you all have great plans that involve 
being outside,
eating a lot of Amurican food
and drinking a lot of Amurican beer.
Memorial Day is like the primer for the 4th of July
and that's why I love it.

I also love that today I have a very fun guest blogger on here!
I've been reading her blog for awhile now and am always 
entertained by her off beat humor and witty writing style.
And when I say "off beat humor" I obviously mean that as a compliment.
Because on beat humor is so cliche.. 

Anyway, meet Bonnie from 
and then get over to her blog already!


Hi!  
I'm Bonnie and stoked out of my freaking mind to be over on Taylor's blog today.  I've got mad respect for anyone who can be hot, funny, and sarcastic all without blinking an eye.  Hence... my girl crush on Taylor. I've been given a lot of nicknames over the course of my life, but the one I prefer is Bon Bon. So if you feel in the nickname-best-bud kind of mood, you can call me Bon. Or if you feel in a normal mood, you can call me Bonnie. Whatevs. The nickname you can not call me is Bonnarrhea. I do not like that name.



I used to have pink hair before I got a real job.  Now I have a real job but I don't have pink hair anymore.  You can't have it all people.  I write over at Life of Bon.  I try my best at being a wife- a gig that is new to me this past year.  I guess you could say I've got a small crush on this guy.



Ahem... the one without all the hair... If you're wondering why my hubby has got a giant teddy bear on his shoulders, it was an experiment to see if we are ready to have babies.  We are not. If you're wondering why the walls are lime green in our apartment, it's because I made a terrible, terrible mistake.  It's fixed now. If it weren't for blogging I would have long been driven to insanity by now. That's because I spend my days in the company of punk seventeen year olds. Mostly I try to teach them how to write thesis statements and how to tell the difference between your and you're. It's a lot harder than you'd think to get that rule to stick, I tell you. Even though those high schoolers can be a bunch of bratty ingrates they have somehow completely stolen my heart. Ain't that always the way it is with bratty ingrates?!?! They're always up to mischief and half of the time I swear, they're getting me in trouble on purpose.  For example, the other day the students had to make a poster listing everything they would do if they found out they were going to die in six months. I skimmed the posters quickly, they looked good enough, and so I said to my student aide, "Aide!  Tape these posters in the hall so everyone can see how hard we've been a-working in here!" 

And that was that. Yesterday I was sitting at my desk in between classes.  You know, just dinking around, surfing the net while the little ruffians wandered their way into my classroom.  "Mrs. Larsen, may I have a word with you in the hallway?"  The sternness of the voice made me jump.  It was the Vice Principal of the school.  In my classroom.  Watching me scroll around on Etsy. I obediently followed VP out into the hallway.  I could quickly tell that the situation was one of utmost gravity. "Mrs. Larsen.  I have to talk to you about something quite serious." "Ok..." "We can not have anybody making any death threats to the president at this school.  It is strictly prohibited." "Ok..."  I thought quickly to the last time time I threatened to kill Obama.  Nothing came to mind. "I hope you understand." "Um... yah, actually... I don't.  I have never threatened Obama.  In fact, I couldn't possibly care less about the guy." "The school received a report of a death threat.  On these posters in the hallway, the students have indicated that they are planning to kill the president."  VP directed my eyes to a comment written on one of the giant posters hanging in the hall. 
"If I found out I was going to die from a terminal disease, I'd shoot the president."

I turned red immediately.  Kids these days.  They'll write anything if you let them.  "Oh, wow.  I'm sorry.  I didn't notice that." "It's okay.  Just take it down.  You were reported this morning, so I had to come down myself to investigate, and I found the claims against you to be true." Whoa whoa whoa.  Now this was starting to sound like some kind of a criminal case.  I was reported?  What does that even mean?  Somebody really thought that I've been down here in this corner of the school, plotting with my students to kill Mr. Prez?

"I'm sorry VP."
 "It's okay, Mrs. Larsen.  You just need to be aware that those threats are inappropriate, and the posters need to be taken down immediately.  This kind of behavior should not be encouraged."  Which surprised me, because I always had thought it was okay to encourage assassination.  "Okay no problem.  I'll take them down right now." VP started walking away and I stared at the posters in bewilderment, trying to figure out what students had written that, how it had gotten past me, and what teacher cared enough to read the poster and then "report" me. "Oh and Mrs. Larsen?"  VP turned around.  "Yes?"  "You'll also need to take the poster down with the threat to Justin Beiber."  "Justin Beiber?"  "Yes.  It is not okay for your students to write they are going to slap him across the face."

And with that, VP was gone, marching down the hallways to maintain the perfect order that exists within these four walls.

Once he was out of sight, I studied the posters carefully.  Upon further examination I discovered I had actually been let off easy.  In reality there were three threats to the president, (don't ask me why they all suddenly want to kill the poor man.  You know how it is with16 year olds- one person says something and the whole lot of them jump on the bandwagon.) two threats to Justin Beiber, and one disillusioned student wrote that he planned to "knock up Selena Gomez" before he kicked the bucket.
Moral of the story:  Teenagers will pull a fast one on you if you're not careful.  You gotta keep your eyes on them at all times.  Watch out for the ones in your neighbordhood- you don't know what they could be plotting. On that note- I guess it's time for me to sign off.  But the fun don't stop here.  I've got tons more nuggets of goodness and hilarity from those seventeen year olds like the time I pranked them real good, the stupid questions that come flying out of their mouths, and the ever present confusion of whores and horse

 Come over and say hi already!

BYOBeef

Last night we:
drank too many beers
opened a lot of wine
 grilled brats and burgers
(I ate my brat even after it fell on the ground... ew)
and finished off the evening at the bar next door playing 
oversized Jenga.


This bar, Ravens, is going to be our spot.
We can already tell.
It is small, it's dirty, and they serve free popcorn.
Three things we look for in every place we go.
It's also BYOBeef and BYODog.
Grilling at home is fun,
so grilling at the bar next to home has to be even more fun.

Today was just as good.
It was 90 degrees and sunny.
Just for the record, no weather is ever too hot for me.
And I LOVE humidity. Love it.
So naturally, Harlow and I played outside all day.
We went for a longer jaunt than usual down Lake Shore
looking for a new beach spot.
Instead we got distracted by all of the pretty boats.


I think I'd like to have a boat here someday.
Although, then I'd feel the pressure of coming up with
a really cool name for it.
Chris suggested "Harlow 2" because he's clever like that.
So then I suggested "The Saily Tay" because I'm just clever like that...
I'll know I've made it when I have a boat in the Chicago harbor.

We continued on down the road 
until Harlow decided he was tired and plopped 
down right in the middle of the running path.
He literally layed down and wouldn't move.
I had to physically carry him to the side.
He was pretty amused,
as was everyone else on the path watching.


When we got to the water he suddenly had an abundance of energy.
He swam,
he chased ducks,
he ate sticks.
It was a good day.
And now we're both exhausted.

If you haven't already,
mosey on over to the Life of Bon blog and check out my guest post.
She writes a very comical blog,
with stories about her falling asleep at Dennys 
and getting turned down from Sizzler.
She'll be writing on here tomorrow and I am very excited!

See you laters.



Wednesday, May 23, 2012

The Mother of all Cheap Stores

Today I went to a little slice of heaven on earth called 
IKEA.
Or maybe it's hell on earth?
I can't quite decide.


Regardless,
It's sometimes been called 
"the store of our future."
And here I was under the impression our future was supposed be all simple and lazy-
like on the movie Wall-E where everyone is obese and rides around in flying chairs
and everything is available at the push of the button.
Or maybe that's just at the D.C. Lynch carnival which swings through
Norfolk, Nebraska this time of year.
Sunset Plaza holla!

Because at IKEA, 
our future involves $45 couches you have to assemble yourself from 672 
different pieces,
So if that's our future, I'm not so sure I want to go there.
But I did today.

Knowing this store can be very dangerous,
I gave myself only one hour to get what I needed.
Which should have been simple enough considering I just needed to pick out a desk.
A very cheap desk.
But I go so much more, and it's because of this I came to the conclusion that
IKEA is like the family reunion of all of the $1 aisles at Target.
Full of stuff you don't even necessarily want,
but think "oh hey, I could probably use that pink striped sand bucket someday...
 for something."

So here is what I came away with:

A plant- who doesn't love plants in the summer?
Six candles- you can never have too many candles, and at $2.99 they're practically free.
Two oven mits- just because my old ones were looking ratty from one too many late night pizza incidents.
Speaking of, I also bought a pizza pan.
A shower caddy- I still don't know why I bought this thing...
A bathroom rug- I have a weird fetish with bathroom rugs, 
I own about nine now and just continue to switch them out. 
Why oh why do people continue to install doors on bathrooms that can't go over big comfy rugs? 
This is probably #4 on my all time list of things that complicate my life.

Anyway,
I also came away tall fake stem things to put in my plants,
one cheap desk,
and probably my favorite purchase of the day:


an unnecessary outdoor platter.
Which I will be using tonight when we grill


Isn't that so cute? 
My life just wouldn't have been complete without it.
Time to go enjoy my purchases.
Happy hump day.



Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Bachelorette Edish

So how about last night's episode? 
It was .... I don't even remember. 
I guess that's one of the downfalls of having a heavenly little angel as the main gal-
it's pretty damn boring.

How did we go from Bachelor Ben banging Unibrow Courtney in the ocean
to Emily singing with Kermit the Frog?



I am honestly struggling to think of anything
snarky or sarcastic to even comment right now.

So let's just look at a few texts back and forth 
between my friend, Tyeler, and I while watching last night.



I'll stop here because they get even more embarrassing.
But we're obsessed. As is the rest of the world.
What is it about Emily Maynard?
I feel like I usually hate people like her
(gorgeous, insanely nice, rich, gorgeous, Southern accent, ext.)

I caught Chris watching the show last night-
which he never does... and he even commented
"she's just a sweetie, isn't she?"

She sure is. 
So what does that make the rest of us?
I think "sweetie" is a term I have never been called in my life.
And probably never will be.

I've come to the conclusion that Emily's only "fault" is that she might be one of the worst dancer's I have ever seen.
Like Ali Fedotowsky awkward.


But even her awkward dancing is cute.
Damn her.

Okay, I've said enough about her for the night.
I think I'm going to go get a drink.
But seriously.

Until next episode,
WWED.








Monday, May 21, 2012

Excited to announce the winner of the Target gift card goes to
Andrea @ Love is...

So Andrea shoot me an email at thedailytay@gmail.com
so I can send you your $30 gift card!
Or if you'd just like me to keep it feel free to choose that option as well.

Also...
It's almost here!

Our first batch of books is set to be delivered to us (Kam and I)
any day this week and then we will be shipping them to you!


So thank you so much to everyone who has already ordered their copy



And if you haven't yet, now is the perfect time! 
to order yours or leave me a comment below saying you'd like one.


As soon as Maxwell Drew Lachey Simpson get's her copy this book will be 
hard to come by!



and follow us on twitter @abottleforyoubook.




Life on Belden

Well happy Monday!
Today has been a fun filled day of transferring services
i.e. gas, electric, cable ext-
all from a phone that doesn't get service.
So you can imagine the fun of that.
The joys of moving are never ending.
I say this every move (which in the last two years has been about five times)
But I really hope we stay here for a while.
And by a "while" I mean at least two years.
I haven't lived somewhere for more than two years since 2004.
That's gross.

Anyway,
I was able to snap a few more photos of our place...

This is our entry way,
or as Chris calls it "the mud room."
I've never heard it called this before, have you?
To which I ask, why would someone have so much mud on them 
they would need an entire room devoted to it?


And the "backyard" I love so dearly





One of these days I'm going to learn how to make all of my photos the same size...
Tiffany @The Coffeehouse keeps trying to help me, 
but I don't think she realizes just how short my knowledge is regarding "codes" and "htmls" 
and all of that other secret blogger info she keeps mentioning...
Check back to my posts from less than six months ago and you'll see exactly what I mean.

Naturally, Harlow wouldn't let me take a single photo in the "guest room"
without him in it.


This is also the dog who insists on sleeping with our guests whenever they come into town.
He's just very welcoming like that.


And it is so nice to finally have windows again!





I think Harlow likes the windows, as well.
Although I'm worried if he actually sees a squirrel one of these days he will literally bust through the window. 
And I'm not kidding.


And yes, I realize it looks like a jungle outside of our front windows.
In the morning, it sounds like one as well.
I think I've figured out there must be two feuding bird gangs
(Bloods AKA Cardinals vs the Crips AKA Blue Birds)
 that live in the trees outside 
and they often get into very loud verbal fights.
One of these mornings I'm just worried I'll step outside to see a dead bird on the sidewalk-
either a bullet to the chest or a stab wound in the back.


And that's a little of that.


Tonight I was planning on watching the Bachelorette
but we haven't gotten our DVR set up,
and I'm just not sure I can sit through two whole hours 
of watching Chris Harrison flirt with all of the men.
I usually prefer to fast forward through about 40% of it.

But it's Emily...
WWED

PS- I will announce the giveaway winner tonight! Check back!





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