Wednesday, October 31, 2012

I Approve This Message

Because I just can't get enough of the hundreds of political commercials
that are playing all day every day.
I figured I'd toss one more into the mix.

My name is Taylor Wolfe, and I approve this message.

Born and raised in the Midwest, Taylor knows the worth
of a hard earned dollar.

An entrepreneur since day one, she once started an underground candy ring
in the second grade.
"I wasn't happy about it, but she sure did make a lot of money."
-Taylor's mom, regarding how Taylor stole candy from home to bring to school.

She's a hard worker, and has never just been handed anything in life.
When Taylor wanted to remodel her bedroom (like those from the Limited Two magazine)
she had to personally scrape off seventy two layers of old wall paper to make this dream come true.

When asked about tax cuts, Taylor's response was this-
"I'd raise taxes on reality stars.
Cut taxes at clothing stores.
And make Turbo Tax Online free for all."

In 1997 she voted against going outside for recess, in favor of staying inside
to play Heads Up 7 Up.
The rest of the class agreed.

Then in 2007 she voted against kicking out a fellow sorority sister for
 "lewd acts in a fraternity."

The sister was allowed to stay.
And she was allowed to stay again in 2008 when caught doing the same 
"lewd act" in a different frat house.

In 2011 a neighbor said this about Taylor-
"I once saw her dog take a dump in my yard, I noticed she didn't have a bag so I was interested to see what she'd do. Well.. she found a huge leaf and by golly she picked up that shit.
It was disgusting, but honorable."

Taylor is not afraid to get a little shit on her hands to get the job done.

When asked about her thoughts regarding the ever growing gang problems
in inner cities, Taylor responded with this inspiring story-

"In West Philadelphia, he was born and raised.
On the playground is where he spent most of his days.
Chillen out, maxin, relaxin all cool,
Shootin some b-ball outside the school.

When a couple of guys, who were up to no good,
Started making trouble in his neighborhood.
He got into one little fight, and his mom got scared,
She said "you're moving with your auntie and uncle in Bel Air."

She then went to finish the tale of a courageous young man who grew up to be a Prince.


When asked about her thoughts on abortion, Taylor simply quoted this line from Knocked Up.
"Abortion-Shmashmortion."


Taylor stands strong in the fight against stick figure stickers on cars.

She believes Crocs were the biggest mistake ever.

She believes in equality for all.

She feels marriage should be a sacred union shared only between 
two people who are in love.
Or three. Or four. Whatever. Why put restrictions on love.

"One time I asked for a dollar and she gave me a scratch card."
-Homeless Man outside 7-11.

As a young, successful, career woman, Taylor plans to crack that glass ceiling, 
one dirty look at a time.

Most importantly, Taylor has the solution for our struggling economy.
She say's there's no reason to over complicate it, the answer is simple.
"Just print more money."
It always worked for her in Monopoly.

My name is Taylor Wolfe, and I approve this message.




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Tuesday, October 30, 2012

The Ghost of Halloween Past

So something weird happened last night.
I'm not sure if it was a dream, or real, or if I had just spent too many hours on Facebook.
But I was awoke in the middle of the night by something really creepy.
It smelled like alcohol and ignorance, its tone was naive but arrogant,
and it was dressed like a skanky Native American who had rolled in some pizza sauce.
It was the Ghost of my Halloween Past.

And with her smudgy blacked lined eyes, she insisted I take a walk with her down memory lane.
I tried to resist, but she threatened to pour cheap vodka down my throat if I didn't.
Like Bartons. Woof.
So I had no choice.

I was reminded of things I wish I could forget.
Like the time I went as a cat and actually wore a collar around my neck...
She told me I only spoke in "meow" by the end of that night. That's still up for debate.

But at least my hair looked good.
Crimped hair was, and always will be, my favorite hair style.

And that same year there was the hippy costume.
Although, I'd call it more of a bathing suit.
That dress was wayyyy too short to wear out in public.
She said I broke my phone this night. I told her flip phones couldn't break.

Ugh.
And of course I had to visit the night I wore a toga out.
As if the toga wasn't bad enough, I was forced to look at myself from behind
and notice I also had the infamous Jessica Simpson hair extensions in...

And then just to be a real bitch she even took me to this day-

At which point I responded- Hey that's not fair, this wasn't even Halloween.
and Ghost responded-
Oh it isn't, then why the hell are you dressed like this?
Point taken Ghost, point taken.

(High waisted shorts were popular for 7 seconds, and by golly I jumped on them.)

We visited a few more embarrassing nights, I learned a few more lessons,
and the next thing I knew I was back at home.
So what am I supposed to make of all this?
....
I think I'm supposed to save Tiny Tim and start crimping my hair again.
Oh, and I guess I no longer care I didn't "do" Halloween this year.
I think I had plenty of fun in the past.
Unless of course something strikes my fancy tomorrow night...
But it's going to have to be pretty great to get me away from Wednesday night TV,
a glass of wine, and my good pumpkin scented candle.



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Monday, October 29, 2012

Home Alone House


Hey there.
So did I mention this past weekend I drove by Kevin's house yet again?
I just can't get enough of the McCallister residence.
I plan on driving by at least once a week as soon as Christmas season is officially here.
Hopefully the owners don't start to get weirded out by the one Nebraska car that seems to creep 
by more and more frequently...
Because I would sure hate to have a restraining order this time of year.

Let's see, next up I wanted to mention to all of you iPhone lovers
about a really cool shop I stumbled across on Etsy.
It's called Luxury Cases.
But it should be called Uniquely Handcrafted Amazing Attention to Detail and Nicely Priced Cases.
But either name is fine, I guess.
Here's some of my favorites:

You can get either iPhone4 or iphone5 cases. And if you use the code: DAILYTAY10 
You can get 10% off. So hurry on over there and buy some early Christmas gifts.

Speaking of gifts, I've got another for you.
This one is slightly more alcohol related. Slightly...
I'm talking about Chelsea from Cardio and Cocktails. Read her hilarious recap below
regarding what cocktails are appropriate to drink for all sorts of various situations. 
She covers it all from Red Bull Vodkas to Fish Bowls to Tequila.
And it's pretty spot on. So grab yourself a drink and read on below....

Hey there Daily Tay readers!
My name is Chelsea and I blog over at Cardio and Cocktails
I am a healthy living blogger who is passionate about finding balance in life. I love learning and sharing about fitness and nutrition, but I also want to be able to enjoy a cocktail (or six). I want to be able to share my story with others and explore the world of healthy living together.  Now that we’ve gotten the intros out of the way, we can move on to the serious business of this guest post!
I am very excited to be here because I read The Daily Tay regularly and this girl is hilarious.  In keeping with her sloppyfun trip to Nebraska, I thought I would make a list of my five go to cocktails and the situations in which they are appropriate to drink!

1. My best bet cocktail is a vodka soda with a splash of pineapple (or you could go crazy and do a splash of cranberry).  This is a good pick because it is sweet but low in calories.  You should probably also ask for a couple maraschino cherries so that you can impress the masses with your tongue tying abilities.
2. Vodka and sugar-free Red Bull
This is the drink that you order when a situation calls for you to be up until 4 am dancing and singing (that would be every Monday and Thursday for me Smile).  The below pic is from a vodka Red Bull night, I think Whitney Houston would approve (posthumously of course).
3. Fish Bowls- 
these are perfect for a celebration or just when you are trying to attract attention from the rest of the bar.  
This was my drink of choice the night that my fiance and I got engaged!
4. Beer.  
This is usually my drink of choice when I know I’ve had too much to drink but I can’t bear to be without something in my hand.  I am not a beer drinker unless there is beer pong or flip cup to be played (national champ right here and by national I mean I only remember the games I’ve won).
5. Tequila.  
This is perfect for when you just need to be the life of the party (it’s not important that other people want you to be the life of their party- just go for it!).  People always claim that they had a bad experience with tequila and can’t go back but tequila’s knocked me down a few times and I just keep coming back.
As you can see, I am an expert on the intricacies of alcohol and how they can best be used in social settings.  Come on by and visit if you want to read about more of my escapades and the kinds of crazy workouts I have to do to maintain this crazy drinking habit.  
You can find me on Twitter @CardioNCocktail, on Facebook, or on Instagram at cardioandcocktails- let’s be friends!

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Tay & Tye Take on Lambeau

I have very few regrets in life. (Thus far.)
But one of my biggest at the moment is that I didn't become a professional football player.
I really missed the boat on that one, I think I could have been quite good in the NFL.
I mean chartered planes, free pink shoes for Breast Cancer month, screaming fans,
this is all right up my alley.
Sadly, I threw away my chance at all of this a long time ago.
See when I was eight years old I was the only girl who went out for flag football.
And it started out so good when our first "drill" at practice was sprints, and I beat all of the boys.
But then at practice number two the field was super muddy and I got my brand new NIKES all dirty
and I remember thinking, oh hells no. And I never went back.... Big mistake.

Because let me tell you about my friend best friend, Zach.
(He's the one on the right.)
He plays for the Jacksonville Jaguars.

The person on the left is just some girl he married.
I kid, I kid. Tyeler is actually my dear friend and sorority sister.
She and I studied law together in San Diego one summer.
And by "studied law" I mean we were interns at her uncle's law firm and shared a desk/chair
in the hallway of the office and took turns removing staples while also having water chugging contests.

Little Tay and Tye circa 2007.

However I should note it was a very good opportunity and we are both very thankful her uncle
gave us the chance to get a taste of what working in a law office is like.
And I should also note we both knew immediately we could never really go into a career in law.
Unless it does involve chugging water and eating your sack lunch in the car everyday.

But anyway, back to my bestie, Zach.
I have a feeling he never left practice as an eight year old because his shoes got muddy.
Because now Zach is living out his dream and playing in the NFL.
How many people can say that, that they are actually living out their dream?
I mean we all know my feelings on this subject, I'm definitely going to do it some day.
 Just not sure how yet.

And on Sunday afternoon,  Zach got to do what so many little boys (and aggressive young girls)
 dream about doing.
He went head to head with the Green Bay Packers at iconic Lambeau Field.
I mean Zach got to touch man handle Clay Matthews. What did you do yesterday?

And Tyeler and I went head to head with the Green Bay fans, at Lambeau Field.
(In Jags gear, I might add.)

Yes, I'm aware I look like a black headed Q-tip in beanies, thanks for noticing.
But before entering Lambeau, we tailgated at what might be one of the coolest tailgating
houses I've been to.
It's apparently known as the "Packer House."
(Which note self, never google "packer house" from a work computer. The results aren't what you'd think.)
It's literally right across from the Stadium, and everything in the house is Packer related.

No detail was spared. From the huge "G" on the wall, to the urinals in the garage that face the stadium
so you can look out the window as you relive yourself.
(If you use urinals, I myself, try not to make a habit of it.)
They also have their own roof top with additional seating.

These are our friends we went with, Dave and Dan.
Dave is Zach's dad, and Dan and Dave are old pals.
Did you hear that, old ladies from the bar on Saturday night?
They're our friends, and Tye's father in law.
Alright? So next time spare us the "I can't believe those two young girls are with those older men" bitchy glares.
We're not creeping on your generation, don't worry. And everyone is happily married.
Except me, I'm happily dating Chris.

I will admit, I thought the whole crazy Packer fan outfits you see on TV were a joke.
But I learned real fast, they're not. The GB people dressed like Mardi Gras on cheese crack.
Crazy clothes aside, they were some of the most welcoming fans I've encountered.
And pretty sure that by the end of the game, everybody in our section is now going to cheer on
#88 from the Jags for the rest of Zach's career.
So well done, Lambeau.
Guess the whole "act like a jack ass and you'll lose your season tickets" policy really works.

And that was my first time at Lambeau.
The place where dreams come true and cheese curds are served.

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Friday, October 26, 2012

The Daily Tay's Best Week Ever

And so we meet again, Friday.

Which means it's time for The Daily Tay's Best Week Ever

I don't know about you, but this week went pretty damn fast.
Let's see who's been having the best week ever, shall we?

First up we've got my man, Jef (One F.)
He and Emmers are officially living in splitsville.
If you ask me, this is a good thing.
I used to like Emily. But then she went all diva on me.
The Emily I know would never go out in a public in a see through black top.
And is it just me, or does Jef look like a really cute little girl in this photo?
I mean this as a compliment, he looks like Miley's innocent twin sister, Jefa Montana.
But if his V-Neck gets any deeper we'll have to call it a U-Tit.

And then there's that Brazilian College Student who auctioned off her virginity
for $780,000...
I mean. I don't even know what to say.
Good for her? Um... At least she'll never have to doubt her "self worth" ever again...
But what about the buyer? He should have come to the Norfolk Senior High- girls give that shit away on the regular.
And perhaps it's time we consider lowering tuition rates if this is what it's coming to.
Just a thought.

Speaking of men who buy disgusting things, next we've got The Don.
Trumpster. Donald.
Why oh why is he saying that if Obama releases his college transcripts
he'll donate five mil to his charity of choice?
What will that do? Prove Obama has unpaid rec center fees? Didn't get good grades?
Had a brief stint with the Clap? Who gives a shit.
Why doesn't Trump just take his dirty money and give it to the poor Brazilian girl.
Or perhaps he already has...

And then there's Carrie Mathison from Homeland.
AKA Claire Danes.
She finally caught Brody!!!
Whoop whoop. Big day for my girl, Carrie.
If you don't watch this show, you need to.
Claire Danes plays a bipolar CIA agent as good as Temple Grandin plays a cow in a trough.

And we can't forget about Conor Kennedy.
He finally came to his senses and broke up with Tay Tay Swift.
I'll admit, Taylor has some catchy songs. And I like the fact she wrote that sweet song for the little boy
with cancer.
But other than that, she's gotta go. I mean this girl has got to be bat shit crazy the way she runs through boyfriends.
Or perhaps all of her boyfriends just got tired of dating a girl who takes style advice from
Betty White.
I'm still waiting for a song from one her ex's called
"She Watched Me Sleep, So I Had to Leap"

But who is having the best week ever?
It's pretty obvious, right?
I mean it's got to be the release of Windows 8!
Lol. Jk jk. Rofl. SMH. LMFAO.
LTISM .
(Laughing Til I Shit Myself. Yeah, I'm still trying to get this one to take off.)
I didn't realize Windows still existed, either.

And this has been another edition of
The Daily Tay's Best Week Ever.

Have a fun weekend, everybody.
Wear your slutty Halloween costumes with pride.

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Thursday, October 25, 2012

It's Coming!

Brace yourself, because it's coming.
Today is October 25th, and that means in two months it will be December 25th.
And that means...
IT'S HOLIDAY TIME!!!

It's as good as here. And I could not be more thrilled.
I love Christmas as much as Facebook people love quoting Buddy the Elf and Home Alone.
It's true. I love every last thing about it.
I love decorating for Christmas.

As I've said before, apartment space is hard to come by in Chicago.
However that doesn't stop me from decorating the shit out of my place.
This year I will literally be taking furniture to my storage unit to make room for the Winter Wonderland I have planned. And I'm not kidding, sorry Chris.
(Chances are Chris won't read this post until March, anyway. He's a "bulk reader.")

I love really nice decorations, but I'm not going to pretend I don't have a soft spot for really
corny decor, as well. Paper chains and countdown calendars are every where.
Look closely and you'll see an awesome Macy's Day Parade Jack-in-the-box in the photo.
But don't tell Harlow, he literally shits himself just by looking at that toy.

And Christmas music starts playing on repeat starting November 1st.
This is the one time of year I will listen to Mariah Carey without wanting to shoot myself.
So I make it worth it. All I Want For Christmas is my jam.
Followed by some NSYNC and Britney. And I'm not going to pretend I don't enjoy some Jessica Simpson this time of year, as well.
Those pop singers have holiday music figured out.
When I want to tone things down a bit I like to cozy up with some Kenny G.
His instrumentals bring me to tears. And then when I really want to jazz things up I put on some
Mannheim Steamroller. Oh baby, those guys are musical magicians.

And then I also love Christmas parties...
And Christmas sweaters...

Wait a second, is Chris wearing the same red snowman sweater I was wearing in the photo above?
Why yes, yes he is.
Looks way better on him.

And then there's the holiday light parade downtown.
I'll be damned if I let any kids push me out of my spot this year.
Night parades are for adults. Everybody knows that.

In other words if you're not a holiday person I'm giving you fair warning
that this will be a common topic of conversation for the next two months.
And then come January I shall slip into a very deep dark depression,
but let's not worry about that now.
Because it's almost
CHRISTMAS!!!!

And ps- I plan on sharing numerous old Christmas photos through out the next few months, as well.
Thanks mom, for making sweetly suggesting we do this every year.
Gotta love perms.
And child sized blazers.



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