Friday, December 28, 2012

The Daily Tay's Best Week Ever


Given the fact we landed around 2:00 a.m. this morning
(thanks Southwest for that, by the way.)
We spent our first night at a very lovely Embassy Suites airport hotel.
Color me white trash, but I love Embassy Suites.


The more outdated they are, the better.
And this particular Embassy has not been remodeled since the day
it was built forty years ago.
And I was loving it.
The faux rainforest feeling, the balconies all facing inward,
the open glass elevator, I love it all.
It takes me back to a simpler time, like the early 80s.
A time when I wasn’t yet born, but was undoubtedly still dreaming about the
moment I would some day have the privilege of eating a free breakfast buffet,
and free cocktails and peanuts from 5-7 p.m.

But I digress.
I’m supposed to make this quick since I am on vacation and all.
that's what he said.
So here goes nothing, time for another edition of
The Daily Tay’s Best Week Ever.

The obvious first choice is
Stockings.

This is the one week out of the year when it is truly stocking’s time to shine.
Forget the pretty wrapped gifts, there’s just nothing more invigorating than dumping out a sock full of beef jerky, scratch cards and gum.
In fact, I think for my birthday this year I’m going to ask that all presents come to me delivered in a stocking.
And in all reality, it’s probably the one time of the year people actually even use the word
“stocking.”
Unless of course you’re a 1940s hooker and say something along the lines of,
“take my stockings off first, doll.”

Second on my list is that sweet girl who “Dana” from Homeland is portrayed after.
Obviously I’m referring to
Malia Barack Obama.

It was reported that this little gal just got her first cell phone for Christmas!
How exciting. I bet this is the best thing to ever happen to her.
Her father got a country for Christmas and she got an Android.
I remember my first cell phone. Although it was only mine on the weekends.
402.649.9527 was the number.
But don’t call it because I’ve heard the woman no longer finds it comical to get drunk dials asking for Taylor.
Or maybe she does, give it a ring.

You know what else I’m loving this week?
Christmas family photos.
Preferably in front of a Christmas tree, or all gathered around
the eldest member of the family in a wheelchair.
My family almost forgot to take one this year.
Almost.
Weird how we all showed up in Husker gear, huh?
See if you can find me in the little gem.
Clue: I looked confused as shit.

And finally,
The last on my list having the very ultimate best week ever is
2013.
Because I have never been so ready to welcome a new year into my life.
Don’t get me wrong, 2012 has been pretty great.
But I’ve just got this feeling 2013 is going to be my year.
I hope it’s yours, as well.

Now I’m off to do vacationy things.
And because it’s the 90s I’ll obviously be documenting it all on Instagram.
So feel free to follow along @taylorgracewolfe as I take photos of my snotty nephew, 
Knox giving me dirty looks, various plates of calamari I order,
 and pretty scenery shots along the way.



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Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Twas The Day After Christmas

For the past few days this is a little bit of what I've been up to.
So I think it's only natural that getting up today was quite difficult for me.
I also thought it was only natural when I felt inspired to write a satirical 
Twas the Day After Christmas poem.
My mom, however, found it to be "dark and depressing."
 See for yourself, I guess.

Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house,
negative attitudes were looming, between every relative and spouse.
The stockings weren't hung by the chimney with care, they'd already been taken down,
because St. Nick couldn't fit through there.
The chimney was shattered beyond repair,
but good ol Saint Nick had already disappeared into thin air.
The children were nestled, all snug on their phones,
while visions on Instagram could be heard in their moans.
Looks like Johnny got a Macbook, Suzy did too,
no filter needed to see that I got screwed.
And ma in her stretch pants, and dad in his sweats, they both did sit,
as these were now the only pants, that either could fit.
We spent too much, I'm broke, I think I have diabetes,
 I'm going to the bar,
The bitching and moaning could be heard from afar,
Why God oh why, I don't want to go back,
to school, or work, or the exchange line at Nordstrom Rack.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
no one sprang to their feet, to see what's the matter.
I just sat down, you go check,
How 'bout instead let's just lay low, the house looks like a train wreck.
So the curtains were drew and the lights dimmed down,
we'll get back to reality next time around.
As I drifted off to sleep for the third time that day,
I mumbled happy day-after Christmas to all, the next is only 365 days away.

****
It's a joke! C'mon lighten up, mom.

Really though, is the 26th not a hard day for anyone else?
I just love Christmas so much and everything that goes along with it
I can't help but be a little sulky today.
The only thing keeping sharp objects out of my grasp is the fact that I have the Bahamas to look forward to.
We're actually flying out tomorrow, with a brief stop at Disney World on Friday.

But next week when we get back and I really have to get back to reality?
Watch out.
Shit's getting real.
In the meantime, I hope you all had as wonderful time celebrating these past few days as I have.
Jesus sure knows how to throw a great bday party.
Now I'm off to the gym!
Jk.
There's no point in working out the day before a vacation.
And besides, that would just totally counteract all the work I've done the past few days stretching my stomach to the point where I need high caloric food containing some sort of cheese or cream
every forty five minutes or I start to sweat.




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Monday, December 24, 2012

We Wish You a Merry Christmas!

And the holidays have finally arrived.
I feel like every year I spend months getting ready/excited for Christmas and yet it always
seems to sneak up on me in the end.

Anyway, this time of year I'm always reminded of one thing.
That Hallie O'Fallon was, and still is, my ultimate fashion icon.


Because it just doesn't get better than Thora Birch circa 1991.
I wanted that white muff so bad.
Um... if you're thinking what I'm thinking after just typing that get your mind out of
the pedophile's gutter.
It's almost Christmas for God's sake.
I'm talking about that gorgeous hand warmer thingy she's holding, obviously!

And her gold chain clutch?
I die.
Thora owned this role like it was nobodys business.

If you still don't know what I'm talking about, we probably can't be friends.
Because I'm referring to one of the best holiday movies ever,
All I Want for Christmas.


I've watched it on repeat for the past five days.
Clearly, I've been very busy.

And now since I need to get back to doing Christmas things I'm going
to let you all read a little ditty from a very talented blogger
regarding her tips on how to bother your boyfriend.
Because I know we all need advice in that category.
It's quite humorous, which isn't hard to believe given the fact that
Cassandra is pretty funny herself.
If you're not already reading her blog you need to be.
Just read on below and you'll see why.
Here she is...

Hello Daily Tay readers! 
I'm Cassandra and I blog over here
I'm so excited to share some blog space with Taylor today. She is so funny and smart and talented. She takes improv classes, writes books, makes us laugh... When thinking about what to share on her blog, I thought, maybe I could talk about what I'm good at since Taylor is a multi-talented lady and all. I decided to ask my boyfriend what he thought I excelled in. He was busy with some grad-school-yada-yada homework and didn't have time for yet another blog-related question. So of course I persisted until he eventually came up with...
"You sure are good at bothering me".  
Well it's something.
Everyone is good at something and I'm good at annoying my boyfriend. So here it goes...



When I saw that Taylor's nephew had the exact same bear costume as my nephew, I knew I had to sponsor her and then find some cheesy way to show the coincidence.

1. Constantly challenge his memory of the major milestones of your relationship.
 "When was our first date? What was I wearing? When did you first realize you loved me? Why did it take so long?" Does it matter if he can remember exact dates or what you were wearing during them? No. It's about the feelings he had then and the bond you have now, BUT best to keep him on his toes I say! To help him along maybe create some flash cards!!

2. Go for comfort when shopping for nightwear.
  
3.Babies, Babies, Babies! 
Never let him forget that the main biological purpose of your relationship is to procreate. Here are some fun ways to remind him of just that!
 
-Show him all the pictures your girlfriend just posted of her newborn son/daughter. Or even better... the sonograms! Add oohs and ahhs to the most graphic of photos for effect.  

 -Volunteer the both of you to babysit your baby nephew at least once a week. Find yourself busy during diaper changing time.
-Keep adding to the number of children you claim you would like to have. Every six months or so if it comes up in conversation hike that number up. Go from '1 child probably' to 'Well of course two children' to 'No less than four' . I have gotten Derek to go from maybe wanting one child in his life, to the possibility of FIVE children. Do I want to bear five children? OH HELL NO, are you crazy? I just like knowing I am in control of the predicted baby count of our relationship.

-Constantly ask him when he thinks he will be ready to have children. NO rush... but I mean... it is the Year of the dragon.


4. Find the loudest and most embarrassing ways to show your affection.
To show my love in the loudest way possible I go with hand-made topical cards. For example, this Valentine's Day card circa 2012.
 Why yes! Those are our heads copied and pasted to the bodies of the royal couple and YES, it is pop up card. If possible present this manifestation of your affection in a large crowd setting, like a sporting event or company party.

 5. Never miss an opportunity to get festive.
I don't think I need to explain much here.

6. Decorate the house with all those tacky Yankee Swap gifts you got at the family Christmas party. 

 7. Decide to start a blog and OBSESS about it.
 Talk about it all the time and make him edit your posts. Add embarrassing photos for good measure. Go to him for blogging advice even though he never signed on for the project. Here are some things I'm frequently asking Derek about my blog: "What do you think of this post? To whinny??" "Does this sound...." "Does this have the slightest potential to be misconstrued to sound even the least bit sexist/prejudice/racist/ageist/discriminatory?".

So there ya have it! If anything these tips will definitely help you test the bonds of your relationship! Oh I'm just kidding... mostly.
It's been great sharing some blog space with Taylor and I hope to see you over here soon!
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Friday, December 21, 2012

The Daily Tay's Best Week Ever

I have never been so happy to wake up this morning.
I'm not going to sit here and lie to you and pretend that I wasn't just a tad
antsy about the whole end of the world thing.
Because I was.
Then again, I was also nervous two years ago when that nut Harold Camping
said the world was ending on May 21, 2011.
See, I remember both his name and the date. Bet you didn't.
Because you're not CRAZY.
I blame it on the fact I just love life so much and have this feeling
I've got a lot left to accomplish yet.
And there goes Tony Robbins speaking for me yet again.
I don't think I realize the damage that's been done from listening to all of
his motivational tapes as bedtime stories from 1997 on...thanks dad.

Anyway,
Astrologically speaking, (and that's always my favorite way to speak)
I've heard today was never supposed to be about destruction,
but it's a about a new way of thinking.
A new beginning of sorts. And I am totally down with that.
I feel like I've got a new lease on life (this would be my 37th if anyone's counting)
and I'm ready to roll with.

So let's jump right in, because it's time for another edition of
The Daily Tay's Best Week Ever

First up I have to mention the group who many have referred to as
the modern day Robin Hoods. Or the Boondock Saints of the internets.
I'm talking about Anonymous also known as @YourAnonNews 

They're hackers with a cause.
And their latest project involved taking on those devil worshippers over in my old neck of the woods,
The Westboro Baptist Church.
AKA: The church who's slogan is God Hates America.
WBC recently announced they were going to picket funerals in Newtown.
I can barely type that without wanting to hunt down WBC myself, but it's true.
So Anonymous worked their magic and hacked WBC's Twitter and Facebook accounts,
releasing a plethora of private information about the hate group, including their plans for the picketing,  
and phone numbers and addresses of "church" members.
To finish them off they also released a warning to WBC saying "we are coming for you."
It was freaky as hell and I loved it.

And next on my list is the company I'd like to thank for turning me into a
professional food, animal, and scenery photographer.
Instagram.

You know what they say, any press is good press.
And Insta has certainly been in the news this week.
I don't know much about what's going on, but from what my Facebook friends have said
it seems Insta announced they had the rights to sell users photos, 
which apparently got some people upset.
Am I the only one who thought "hells yea, it's finally time my photos of Harlow got purchased!"
I get why celebrities might be upset, although I don't follow and celebs on Instagram because 
I've found their lives often make me a little too jealy.
But really, normal people? Why would you even care if Insta had the rights to your photos,
you're the one who uploaded them to the interweb in the first place.
And let's not kid yourself, your Dorito Pie looks delicious and all,
but I highly doubt it's a very sought after image.
What do I know though, I upload my life to the internet and don't make any apologies for it.

These next two people having a great week actually kinda scare me.
Kenneth Conley and Joseph Banks.
The two Chicago inmates who escaped from their downtown federal jail cell,
through the window on the 17th floor by crawling down a makeshift "rope"
of bed sheets tied together.
They are nowhere to be found.
I recommend we start by looking in a Looney Tunes cartoon.
And then the 1930s, 
because these are the only two places where escaping through a prison window
 via bed sheets tied together actually works.

The next gal on my list is a real show stopper, I'm talking about former Olympian,
Suzy Hamilton.
You want to know why Suz is having the best week ever?
Because she recently came clean to the fact that she's been working as an "escort"
for the past several years.
And by escort we mean prostitute.
Not just anybody has what it takes to be a forty-five-year old hooker, while making $600/hour no less!
So to that I say, you go Suzy Coco!
You jack of all trades, you.

Finally, the last people on my list having the best week ever are
you and me.
Because we survived the Mayan Apocalypse.
And think of all the good things that are yet to come.
After last week, more than ever, I truly appreciate the value of life.
When the sun decided to come up again today I finally realized that the only certainty in
this life, is the uncertainty of how it all unfolds.
So why not enjoy the ride while we're still lucky enough to be on it.
Damn you Tony Robbins, there you go sneaking up on me again. 

Maybe honorable mention this week should go to Tony
Yes, yes it will.

I accept that challenge.
God love ya, Tony, and your ape sized hands.

Happy weekend, everyone.





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Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Dear Santa

How are you?

Remember me? It's Taylor in Chicago.
Although I used to reside in Nebraska.
Here, maybe this will refresh your memory-

This is me after your visit circa 1988.
As you can tell by the look on my face you really dropped the ball this year.
I think it was something about giving me that knock off Cabbage Patch Doll I'm clutching
rather than a Polly Pocket Mansion as you were instructed.
Who knows though, I might also be pissed about the fact my mom clearly has me
dressed in my older sister's tights.
No worries, I don't hold grudges.

I'm just gonna get right to it because the fifth fire truck
has pulled up next to the apartment building across the street  and I'm just itching to
get outside with the rest of my nosey neighbors.
But if I find out they're just filming another episode of Chicago Fire again
I'm gonna be pissed.

Anyway, here it is:

****My Christmas Wish List 2012***

1. A longer fuse.
I'm really trying to work on my patience as of late,
you may have noticed from the photo above, my fuse tends to be a little short.
Yesterday I had to take something back to Nordstrom Rack for my mom,
and because I didn't have the receipt I ended up having to wait in line THREE different times
to get everything correct. In Christmas shopping lines I might remind you.
After attempt #1 I had steam coming from my ears,
I suffered a mini heart attack after attempt #2 and literally had to go outside
to calm myself down.
By the third try I was almost unintentionally starting fires with my eyes.
I feel like a longer fuse could have prevented those unnecessary breakdowns.

#2. A parking spot.
Santa, if you could work your magic with the Chicago Parking DicksWorkers
and secure me my very own spot right in front of my house
I would be forever grateful.
A spot where I wouldn't get tickets, or where people didn't think it was a fun
game to hit my bumper every day. This isn't asking much.
You got that little girl from Mrs. Doubtfire on 34th Street a house and a dad,
let's not act like a parking spot isn't possible.

This is the year you gave me a dollar store coloring book.
So that was neat. 

#3. A House.
Since I mentioned it, why not?
I'm tired of paying rent. I'm twenty-five-years old damn it,
and according to Facebook that means I should be a homeowner by now.
I'm very aware housing in Chicago can be pretty pricey,
so I'd even settle for just the floor of a lovely brownstone.
And you don't even need to throw in a dad, I've already got one of those.

#4. A Job I love.
For real this time.
I think I asked for this last year, as well.
But this year I'm serious.
Enough with the fake-chef dressing, stuffed cat prize throwing, cookie dough selling,
bizzarre positions you've thrown my way.
I'm ready for a career.
So if you could just send a few fat checks my way to tide me over so I can really
get to working on my next book idea/newest website business that'd be great.
Between you and I we could make this happen.
I'd even give you a shout out in my first best seller.
Just think about it, I know Mrs. Claus would go for it being the fame whore she is.
And I mean that in the best way.

#5. This dress.


Because nothing says "I'm here for a good time" more than a crushed black velvet
dress with a gold lace floral print.
I'd like to wear it on New Years Eve this year. Let's be honest, who wouldn't?
And talk about a good looking trio of 90s kids.
sidenote: to achieve those luscious curls I slept with my hair in "rags" the night before.
And if you don't know what this means you were probably rich enough to afford hot rollers.

And that should do it for my list this year.
It's short I know, that's because I'm blessed and I'm well aware of it.
Hope all is well on your end.
How's the whole weight watchers thing going by the way?
Don't feel bad, it hasn't been working for Jess Simps either.
Just say you're pregnant.

Anyway,
I know shit's probably getting real crazy right about now
so I won't keep you much longer.

TTYL SC,

Tay Tay
(Not to be confused with Taylor Momsen.)

Poor Cindy Lou Who. You certainly can't blame yourself for that one.

This has Easter Bunny written all over it.


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Respect Your Elders


Trying to make the most of this week before the Mayan calendar ends,
(and we all have to order new Mayan calendars)
last night Chris and I had a fun filled Chicago Christmas evening.


First we tried ice skating at Millenium Park with all of the other
thirteen year olds on dates.
We weren't good.
(At skating or being on a date.)
We didn't even hold hands once.
But remember those douchey guys from the rollerskating rink in the 90s
who liked to skate backward and try to do all sorts of weird tricks?
They still exist.
And they still take anyone out who might get in their way.

After spending about ten minutes on the rink,
we'd had our fun and decided to head over to the Chris Kindle Market to drink
spiced wine from a small boot-mug.
I don't care what anyone says,
drinking from a boot is always fun.

For dinner we went to the west loop to eat at
The Girl and the Goat.


This place gets a lot of hype.
And now I know why.
It was amazing. If you're ever in Chicago, eat here.
Then eat here again the next day.


Had I not gotten into a fight with a seventy year old woman,
it would have been the perfect night.
Long story short, Chris and I had been waiting for a while to get two chairs at the bar.
One might say I've got pretty good seat-grabbing skills,
so naturally when I saw two men
paying their bill I walked up to them, kindly asked if they were leaving,
and they graciously said "yup, the seats are all yours."
Just as the man stood up an older woman swooped in, then looked at me and said
"oh, are you taking these?"
And the gentlemen who was sitting said, "yes she is."
So I just smiled and nodded.
Then the woman snarled at me and replied, "what, no respect for your elders?"
Let me just preface this by saying this "elder" was dressed head to toe in Louis Vuitton,
she had blonder hair than me, and was throwing back Dirtys with her gaggle of other
"elder" women.
To say they were probably privileged women is an understatement.
Regardless.... I'm still trying to practice what I preach and be kinder to others.
So I paused and said, "Oh I'm sorry, you go ahead. You can have the seats."
To which she said, "forget it!"
So then I said, "I've got as much respect for elders, as you have for yourself."
JK!!!!
I just said, "okay thanks, happy holidays!"
I don't think she liked this response either because she just stomped off.
But I couldn't help but smile, I sure hope I still have that firey spirit when I'm that old.
What a gem.

But anyway, that was my night.
Not a bad last Tuesday before the world ends.

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Tuesday, December 18, 2012


**If you would like to offer something more than silence, check out what this awesome blogger who lives in Connecticut is doing for the children of Sandy Hook Elementary**


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Monday, December 17, 2012

Today

So what do we do now.
Tighter gun control to prevent this from happening in the future?
Sure, good idea. How about we make meth and cocaine illegal as well so people can no longer do drugs.
Let's also bring God back into the schools.
I personally don't think it can ever hurt to have God involved in things,
and I find it sad there is no mention of Him in schools any more.
But I guess I'm open minded enough to know not everyone shares my views on this.
Who cares though. Let's force our views onto everyone anyway.
Just because I happen to believe in the one God I do, everyone else should too.
No, no, here's the best idea.
Let's instead use this horrible tragedy to post mass statuses on Facebook about our own
personal platforms, and then proceed to watch the arguments that unfold in the comments below.
(Just look at all the "likes" you're getting!)
If more arguments and fighting won't solve this problem, nothing will.

Here's a weird thought.
What if everybody waited just a few more days to start fighting with each other about
possible solutions to this violence,
and instead we focused on the fact that two families are having to bury their children today.
Noah and Jack.
Jack was an avid sports fan, New York Giants receiver Victor Cruz, played
yesterday's game with Jack's name written all over his cleats and gloves.

As for Noah, well he was the youngest victim of this evil rampage.
His twin sister, Arielle, managed to escape.

I get that everyone is asking why.
And in doing so they're looking for answers, which in turn leads to arguments.
Who's to blame? There has to be a reason for this. We as humans need a reason.
Blame guns, video games, lack of God, or the shooter's parents.
Truth is, I know a lot of good parents who raise kids that aren't so good.
And I also know a lot of awesome people that came from parents that weren't so good.
So can we really throw that stone at this point?

People aren't supposed to be capable of such horrific things.
I mean I have a mini heart attack every time I almost hit a squirrel.
I thought everyone else did too.

I don't know what I'm saying here.
Who am I to judge the people who want to fight with each other on Facebook.
To each their own, I guess.
As for me, I choose to think about the victims at this moment.
I keep thinking about the Christmas gifts that will go unopened.
The little rooms that will remain untouched. The small pjs that probably still lay in the laundry basket.
The siblings who don't understand why their brother or sister didn't come home from school.
And why their parents will never be the same again.
In doing so I hope it will help me to be a little kinder to everyone I pass.
I need to honk less when people cut me off,
be more patient with others while out and about,
offer to help someone who looks like they might need it.

Is this going to solve the world's problems?
Probably not, but I don't think it will hurt.
You never know when someone is at the end of their rope,
just waiting for that final straw to push them over the edge.
What if instead they're waiting for that one random act of kindess,
that could pull them back?
We're all fighting battles out there.

And now after such a dark post I'm going to leave you with some happier thoughts
to remind you that good people still exist.
All from 26 Moments That Restored Our Faith in Humanity This Year

The New York police man who bought a warm pair
of boots for the homeless man.

The soccer team that gave their team manager a chance to start.

The owner who comforts his dog's aching arthritis to pay him back for when
the dog comforted him during a time in his life where he contemplated suicide.

And one more happy thought-
the winner of the giveaway from last week is Jen Foley! Congrats!
Any relation to Matt I wonder?

Have a good day.
Be thankful for what you have.

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