24 Clears Signs You're Not a Mom

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

And now for a post completely inspired by this article: "24 Clear Signs You're a Mom," which appeared on almost every Facebook momma's page this past week.



Nobody watches me go to the bathroom.

I have no idea what channel Nick Jr or Disney is on.

A "blowout" to me means a really big party, and not what happens to babies after they eat too many avocados or strawberries... I'll leave it at that.

I've never put on a clean shirt only to have someone spit up on it ten seconds later. (and not get mad about it.)

I don't understand the thrill of a miniature sized chair from Pottery Barn. Or why it's necessary to have your child's initials monogrammed on said chair. It's like we get it, the chair is for your kid, no one is going to try and sit in it I promise.

I've never gotten excited over someone going #2 in a toilet.

I don't have fruit snacks in my purse.

I've never bitten someone else's nails. And especially not their toe nails.

I haven't stepped on a lego since the early 90s.

I sometimes find trips to the grocery store kind of relaxing.

Vomit still makes me wince.

I don't take an iPad with me everywhere I go.

My windows don't have lick marks on them.

I get date nights about four times a week.

I've never stopped drinking early because I'm nervous the thirteen-year-old girl at my house watching my children will judge me.

I have no idea who this "Baby Einstein" person is.

I have time to blog.

I still get shy when I see a mom breastfeeding in public.

I do laundry about once a week. Sometimes less.

The only person I have to get ready is myself.

I've never picked someone else's booger.

Running a quick errand doesn't take fifteen minutes of prep time.

I take pretty long showers just for the hell of it.

I don't have even half the patience or selflessness that most of the moms I know do. So cheers to you, moms!  Keep on raising better little humans everyday like you're already doing!

*Just a little food for thought though- would you like a photo of yourself on the toilet broadcast on the internet? Yeah, I bet your child wouldn't either.  No judgment though, I'll leave that to your babysitter.



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115 comments:

  1. you're lying about lick marks on the windows- the dog. but all of this makes me really happy not to have kids. Except for the last one. THen I feel like I'm a bad human being.

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    Replies
    1. I was going to say the same thing--smudge marks ALL over my passenger side window, and our sliding glass door. Our dogs are our children.

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  2. Freakin' hysterical. Sharing on facebook :)

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  3. These are all top reasons why I'm just not ready to be a mom and the whole Im a little selfish thing.

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  4. bahaha. maybe I DON'T want kids right now. I can't handle that stuff just yet. it's a good thing it's normal to be 26 with no kids, not married in these big cities we live in!!

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  5. Thank you for this! These were some of my exact thoughts when I was reading that article that was frickin everywhere on my feed the last few days.

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  6. "My windows don't have lick marks on them." -- lies. Maybe nose marks instead of lots of lick marks... but still, same difference.. And of course I'm talking about Harlow and not Chris..

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  7. It makes me really sad reading this list knowing that some of those things will be taken away once I get married and have kids....good thing that is NOT happening for a LONG time! :)

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  8. Hahah. I'm guilty of all of them. Oh well.

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  9. As a preg girl, this list made me kind of sad. haha I don't want to learn about most of these things! I will never bite my kids nails b/c that is gross. (I don't bite my nails so I feel like I can say "never" & have it not bite me in the ass) Holy cow my life is about to change. haha

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  10. haha this is great! I've actually only been a mom for 6 weeks now but I have to say that my dog has always followed me everywhere, including the bathroom, and he's the one leaving lick marks on the door! And I will never bite my child's fingernails! Gag!

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  11. I have all of those things and also no pictures of my kid on the toilet posted on the internet. Not cool for future boyfriends and employers!

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  12. Haha I agree with all of these! I'm sure that will change if I have kids.

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  13. YES! this just makes me so happy that I DONT have kids right now.

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  14. Ok lick marks on the windows and of course vomit made me squirm!

    Someday... :-P

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  15. Hahah love this. As someone who doesn't have or want kids, this is really funny and true!

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  16. aaaaaaaahhhh, love this! the biting toenail thing...ew..just ew.

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  17. Yes to all of these except the lick marks on the window. My fur babies do that too. Also, maybe I have fruit snacks in my purse. But no cheerios or goldfish.

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  18. "It's like we get it, the chair is for your kid, no one is going to try and sit in it I promise." BEST LINE.

    And yes, yes, yes about the toilet pics. I'm a mom and still try to think about what he would be okay having out there. One mom I know posted a pic of her naked child after she ripped off her very dirty diaper in her crib and had a sort of artistic moment. It was AWFUL. Not just for the girl, but for anyone who had to look at it. And now anyone who actually read that. ;) I couldn't keep it in any longer.

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  19. Some of these could easily be "signs I'm not a nurse" haha... I've definitely gotten excited about someone going number 2.

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  20. Ha! Harlow doesn't watch you go to the bathroom? I am pretty sure I couldn't be a mom, it sounds gross.

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  21. Haha, love it :) Picking someone else booger or biting their nails - yuck!

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  22. Ha, so funny. Except my car windows look terrible because my dogs lick them!!

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  23. i really was beginning to think i was the only 20-something (28 y o) who didn't have the mom genes!

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  24. I always think about how "Facebook kids" (the babies whose every poop and smile and moment in their life is documented on every social media channel available, and then some) are going to think in about fifteen years. Please someone do a longitudinal psychological study on this pleeeeeeease.

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  25. You know a booger has still been picked a time or two in your home.. At least in mine it has...I think the snacks in my purse will be a pro added to the list when I am a mom...right now I just get excited when I find a piece of gum at the bottom of my purse..that fell out of the wrapper even.

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  26. Yes, yes, yes! I love it... nail on the head :) We have to relish our non-babyness while it lasts ;)

    xxx

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  27. Haha love this! Maybe I don't want kids as soon as I thought I did after seeing I get the luxury to do everything on this list!

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  28. This list is fantastic!

    Everything fits me... except for the fruit snacks in my purse. Those are emergency fruit snacks for me though! (I should probably mention that I have type 1 diabetes so that statement makes a little sense.)

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  29. YES YES YES A MILLION TIMES YES. I've gotten the Aunt thing down pat - and more often than not, the guy and I plan to keep it that way. I prefer to only worry about my own bodily functions.

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  30. I love this. But I still can't handle vom very well and I'm two kids in.

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  31. HA! I love that last sentence. Seriously, I am so glad that the internet wasn't a thing when I was a child. These kids are going to grow up to exact revenge, and it won't be pretty.

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  32. this is tooo funny and tooo perfect. especially the last bit. i hope i never have to bite someone else's toenails or refer to my child as being 29 months old..

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  33. Hahaha ok so I'm no where near close to being a mom but I definitely have fruit snacks (and protein bars) in my purse and I take my iPad everywhere blonderblogger.blogspot.com

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  34. I'm not a mom but the poop and booger lines all spoke to me. What does that say about the kind of person I am? I blame Snapchat.

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  35. What can I say this mum and nanna can't imagine life were someone doesn't watch me go to the toilet or have a bath...................................lol

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  36. Hahahaa to the blowout comment, gag!

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  37. LOVED this post! I'm not a Mom but I live with my 4 year old nephew and it makes me laugh to go through this list and realize that I've done most of the items on this list, haha. I guess there really isn't much hope for me once I do have kids.

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  38. Wait kids lick windows!?! Heck no i'll stick with fur children

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  39. I cannot WAIT to be a Mom but I swear to God that I am never biting their fingernails or toenails.. Bible.

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  40. Ha! My children are my fur babies for now. Considering I have said lick marks on my car windows, one of my dogs likes to nudge the door open and watch me pee and I've had to clean up their vomit countless times.

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  41. My dog watches me pee every single time, he can't bear to be alone. Just this past weekend I was hanging out with a baby but made his mom wipe his snotty nose with her hands since we didn't have a kleenex. Gross.

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  42. Im not a mom, but I have fruit snacks in my purse. Mostly because I get grumpy when I get hungry.

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  43. OH em gee... seriously, this is dead on. A+ Taylor, A+. I can't believe I'm a mom and all of these lame things apply to me... what has this world come to?!

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  44. Dead on and I even bite off the little hang nails of the daycare kids lol.

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  45. I have fruit snacks in my purse, haha, but all the rest apply!

    xx
    Kelly
    Sparkles and Shoes

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  46. This is spot on. One of the mom's for the boy I babysat always kept her nails a little longer and said they were great for scooping out boogers. Gross.

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  47. Haha! This is hilarious. It's amazing how unaffected you are by things as a mom--things that simply hearing about them pre-baby would have made you cringe. There is a literal transformation that takes place when you become a mom. Nothing phases me now.

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  48. I always think about how I will never be able to shower when I want to….! These are hilarious and could go on and on.

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  49. Wait, you're windows don't have lick marks on them? I'm surprised your pup doesn't like them windows. He must be way better behaved than my Huckleberry ;) He loves putting his tongue and nose art on our windows and doors!

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  50. Like half the commenters on here keep fruit snacks in their purse, and I have two kids and I don't. I don't ever have food actually. I probably should do that, it would save me a lot of headaches! Once though, two of my high school students came to my classroom, "Ms. Thomas, do you have any food?" What?!?! "Well, you're a mom and moms always have food in their purse." Mom fail.

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  51. LOVE this!!! except I have lick marks on my window (gosh darn willow) and I've been known to have fruit snacks in my purse. well, by fruit snacks I mean 3 muskateers but whatevs. :)

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  52. genius post Tay Tay. Also I feel like I should say that everyone tells me I will one day be the best mom because my purse is a freaking gold mine for treats. I always have fruit snacks and granola bars and candy in there. One of the main reasons why people like hanging out with me, actually.

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  53. hilarious!!! My favorite is the miniature chair hahah we get it no one is going to sit in it! hahah

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  54. This is my favorite post ever! I appreciate, very much, that moms are teaching their little ones to use the toilet, but I don't need to see/hear/read evidence every time they "go." It's nice to finally see a post about NOT being a mom.

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  55. haha! this is hilarious! I am a mom so most of the original list applies to me but I do take really long showers just to force my husband to watch our daughter for longer. Oh and I highly suggest finding a babysitter who's parents you party with so you won't have anyone judging you.

    ReplyDelete
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  65. أفضل خدمات التنظيف البيوت والمنازل فى أقل وقت وبدون مجهود ؛ وبجودة فائقه لم تحصلى عليها من قبل وسوف تستعيدى جمال منزلك المبهر والمميز وتحولى منزلك مهما كان حجمه أو شكله أو جنة فقط باعتماد شركتنا على مجموعه من الامور البسيطة والدقيقة شركات تنظيف المنازل التى لن تكلفك أبدا وفى النهاية سوف ترى الخدمة وتحكم بنفسك
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    شركة رش مبيدات بالخرج

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  66. نعمل ونكافح لكى نقضى على الحشرات وفقًا لذلك التنوع بطرق وأدوات تناسب كل نوع من أنواع الحشرات وحسب طبيعة المكان الذي تتواجد فيه تلك الحشرات شركة تنظيف خزانات بجدة يصلك المندوبين المتخصصين لعمل رش المبيدات الحشرية بشكل دوري لمنزلك حتى تجده دائما نظيفا وخالي من الحشرات شركة مكافحة الحشرات بجدة نعم نحن نضمن لكم ولأسرتكم حياة صحية بدون أمراض أو مشاكل، وخالية من الحشرات تماما

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