The Talent Agent

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

For as long as I can remember I've wanted to have a talent agent. It didn't matter that as a child I had no idea what agents did, I just knew I wanted one. There was a scene in this terrible movie with Michael J Fox from the 90s called Life With Mikey where he brings in tons of child actors to audition in front of him that I would watch on repeat when I was little. I would literally rewind the scene over and over trying to figure out what those kids had that I didn't. I guess I just wanted to make sure I was prepared in case the day would ever come that I would suddenly get discovered while shopping at the mall. Sadly it never happened. However it should be noted here that I did get asked to work at Abercrombie more than a few times. No big deal.

I had the same fascination with the movie Beaches and all of the scenes involving a young tap-dancing CeCe Bloom. Man that kid was ugly, sure she could sing and dance, but she wasn't easy on the eyes. The poor thing would give me nightmares if I looked her straight in the eyes for too long. Not like that pretty little brunette girl who could walk up the stairs on her hands.

But anyway, I told myself that 2014 is the year I'm going to live out all of my failed childhood dreams and I'm going to get myself an agent. I've been working on my acting resume adding little parts here and there, and I even got fancy new head-shots that I was really hoping would make me look like ... I don't know... not me? I shouldn't say that, I mean I was hoping they'd make me look like a much much better version of me. We all know I tend to get a little googly-eyed/ Stephanie Tanner chin'd in front of the camera from time to time.

The goal of head-shots is to show off how many different looks you have. Ready to see more close-ups of me than you ever wanted to see? Great, let's do this.




I know what you're thinking, this girl is a chameleon!  Thank you, that's so sweet of you to say. I can barely recognize myself either. What can I say, I'm a girl of many faces.

Photo #1 says "I like to wash my clothes with Downy because it just feels nice."

Photo #2 says "I used to suffer from chronic hemorrhoids and was scared to play in bounce houses or wear tight pants. But thanks to Preparation H my body belongs to me again.

Photo #3 says: "I found my match on eHarmony. Isn't about time you did too?

Well last Saturday there was a workshop going on called "How To Get An Agent." This is just perfect I thought to myself as I practiced my monologues in the mirror! So I marched my happy ass to the workshop last weekend and got there at least twenty minutes early and sat down in the third row. But after a second of thought I decided to move up to the front row. Why the hell not? 2014 is the year I'm getting an agent after all!

The woman who led the conference is the head of an agency downtown. She had a pixy haircut, a pixy little body, and square rim glasses that nearly took over it all. I guessed her to be about sixty? In the beginning I smiled at her the entire time and laughed at all of her smug jokes, because like everybody else in the room I was dying for her acceptance. And she knew this. She knew she was the God of the room and all of us lowly actor folk were there just waiting for her to discover us and take us under her Godly wing of knowledge and power.

Well eventually the God of Talent started telling us "what the industry is looking for right now." At this point she literally looked right at me (because remember I was sitting in the front row) and said "if you have blonde hair and blues, you're not getting work right now." The rest of the class laughed and I actually did too. I've heard this before, remember I'm the Most Indistinguishable Girl in the World. I'm generic looking, I get it. It honestly didn't bother me. What bothered me is when she went on to say this exact thing at least five more times, each time making sure to look right at me. "YOU WILL NOT WORK," is basically what I heard time and time again. By the end it just felt rude and unnecessary.

But then she went on to insult Nebraska. And nobody insults Nebraska but me. She said something to the effect of "even inbreds in Nebraska are watching TV," or something ignorant like that. By now I was literally fuming. And then do you know what she did next? She pulled out an e-cigarette and started smoking it in front of everyone.

Dead. Done. No more.

Wanna know how people smoke e-cigarettes? Like douche bags, that's how. They can't just smoke it like a normal cigarette. They have to get this look on their face like they are so damn smug about the fact they are once again smoking indoors and life can finally be as good as it used to be in the 90s. Get out and take your chalk dust with you.

So as it turns out, it might be a little harder than I expected to get an agent in 2014. But I'm not letting old E-Cigs with the pixy cut and wedge snow boots get me down, I'm going to keep trying damn it. I've been told I can't do a lot of things in life, it always just seems to motivate me more in the end.

I'm Paul Harvey, good day.

*PS- if you're looking to boost your blog/shop traffic next I just had a Saturday Takeover ad open up for this weekend. Click here if you'd like to claim it.

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54 comments:

  1. You are so funny. I'm originally from Oklahoma so I feel ya. Also, I too have blonde hair and blue eyes and have also felt very generic. HA. But whatever. PS, I know you're into comedy- Joe Rogan Ari Shaffir are doing at show the Chicago Theater later this month. I know I sound like a huge dork but my bf got me into Rogan's podcast. ha.

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  2. Well if you were in New York City she wouldn't be allowed to smoke the e-cig indoors and I feel as if there are more brunettes than blondes here so maybe what I'm trying to say is you should just finally move here. Or something.

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  3. Omg the Life with Mikey memories! Pretty sure I had this on VHS lol.

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  4. This lady is crazy and sure blonde hair and blue eyes may be an "indistinguishable" look in the us but in reality it isn't when it comes to the world as a whole, it's a minority. Miss talent agent sounds like a total b-word. Your childhood dreams will come true I know it!

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  5. Great photos! Getting head shots are probably one of the most awkward thinks to get, especially when the photographer tries to get all senior portraity on you and starts to direct every little muscle in your face. Ugh. But yours turned out really good. I would love to see your hair a little darker though.

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  6. This is the best summary of the workshop ever. I completely missed she was smoking an e-cigarette until Trevor pointed it out after and I died {I think I was definitely still in my noob phase of trying to suck up and smile}. Also your headshots are beautiful!

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  7. I would have yelled "Go Huskers" or something just as ignorant! You will get an Agent!

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  8. You are hilarious AND beautiful! Maybe Ellen is the route you need to go - send her this post! :)

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  9. Oh wow, that woman sounds horrendous!! You should have gotten up and left, with an amazing exit line! =P

    xoRosie
    Rosie's Life

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  10. I love your head shots! She obviously has no idea what she is talking about, you can't trust a woman with an e-cig!!

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  11. FIRST OF ALL: pixie cuts went out in 2005. Secondly, I'm willing to be dollars to donuts that she had bad eyebrows and EVERYONE knows you don't let anyone with bad eyebrows tell you shit about life.

    You're getting an agent and eff that lady. Honestly? Wedge snow boots? And we're supposed to take her seriously? Get outta here.

    Love,
    Ace
    www.eatpraywod.blogspot.com

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  12. I keep picturing her as Joey Tribione's agent, Estelle! ugh I would have walked out!

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  13. How can you possibly expect anyone to take you seriously with an e-cig AND wedge snow boots!

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  14. You crack me up! And hell no she can't just insult Nebraska like that and THEN pull out an E-cig! which by the way are the dumbest things ever and I can't believe people do them in public! Go on girl...you'll get that agent;)

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  15. The bottom line is, people like the E-cig lady know that they have the key to what others want, so they will act however they please and most likely continue to get away with it. Sucks, but sometimes you've gotta be willing to "play the game," to get in the game.

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  16. Oh no! I would have been so upset to be singled out like that. Although doesn't this just make you feel like you have to prove her wrong?

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  17. I think you would have no problem getting an agent! Keep working at it, girly! You got this!!

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  18. Freaking e-cig smokers. I hate them all.

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  19. first i think our childhoods were eerily similar. second i laughed out loud, no but really, at the description of your headshots. and third i want to start a campaign that people that use e-cigs are douchebags. like it's well known that they are. what an idiot. and why wouldn't a pretty blue eyed, blonde hair girl get work? give me a break.

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  20. That lady sounded like a hag. Period.

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  21. I'm not sure I would have been able to keep my mouth shut with all those terrible things she was saying!! I do like your third head shot choice and not sure what she's talking about with blondes not getting work right now, because there are plenty of them on the shows i watch!! This is your year to get an agent!!

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  22. I was totally fascinated with both of those movies too!!! Great shots. If an agent doesn't like them; their loss!! I used to have an agent! Back in my glory days. : )

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  23. Well, that woman sounds like a complete nightmare. I've never thought about blonde hair and blue eyes as being generic, I thought it was supposed to be desirable.

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  24. I guess this blonde haired, blue eyed, girl will just have to bask in the memories of the good ol' days... when I actually did have an agent and no one knew what an e-cig was.

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  25. You are EXCEPTIONAL!
    Don't let that moron get you down.

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  26. Isn't blonde hair and blue eyes the "desired" look? No? Oh. That's weird that they're telling all us brunettes that we've "gotta do something about that hair." Hmm. Screw them all. You're gonna make it to the big time, baby!

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  27. Someday, when you're famous {remember us little blog followers!} she will be eating her words!

    Jamie @
    The Growing Up Diaries

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  28. that lady sounds utterly annoying. dream crusher!

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  29. I love that the e-cig is what did it for you. I woulda been outta there at the wedge snow boots. I meann comee on- you gotta be more in touch than that to tell me I'm not what Hollywood wants.

    Danielle @ Allusional

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  30. I never leave comments on blogs, actually your my first if you don't count giveaway comments. This post was HILARIOUS! Thank you for making my day, I laughed so hard I had to pee. The E-cig lady is a idiot you deserve a better agent then that anyway!

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    1. Well I am so glad you came out of hiding! And I'm honored I'm your first (non giveaway) comment! Glad you enjoyed the tale of E-Cigs McGee.

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  31. Really funny post! I like that you didn't let ol' E-cig bring you down or discourage you from chasing those dreams; that kind of resilience will get you far, for sure. You'll get your agent, and she/he will be way better than E-cig. Like you, I hate when people tell me "You can't do this/that/the other," but it also tends to make me more determined to do whatever it is. I'm a new subscriber, by the way, and I already like your blog a lot!

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  32. I love all your headshots! And the titles. You have me laughing all the time. How do you not have an agent yet? Also, screw pixie and e-cigarettes. Those things are just as nasty.

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  33. Can I second the girl above that said the wedge snow boots were a tip off she's not in touch with the times?! For real, clearly she's crazy and rude. But I'm a blonde haired, blue-eyed white girl, so I could be wrong about everything...

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  34. Well if it makes you feel any better, THIS Inbred from Nebraska would watch you on TV!! Wow. I hate e-cigs too. I personally, think that pixie-ish old ladies with pixie-ish hair cuts are overrated!

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  35. It would have been so hard for me to not yell "cut the crap, rudeness!" at her!

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  36. I would have walked out and given her the finger on the way out! How rude!!

    Anywho, I love your description for your headshots, especially the eHarmony one :)

    I think that it's unfortunate that there are still cynics out there and just use that to fuel your fire because no one should ever have to listen to such crap like that.

    We are cheering for you Tay! You got this!!

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  37. Love that you are nondescript and indistinguishable....

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  38. I'd be your agent in a heartbeat! She obviously isn't the best judge of what the public likes to see...

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  39. I LOVE Beaches. And the ugly little girl was Blossom & is now on Big Bang Theory - but I'm sure you knew that ;) I'm sorry it's so hard to break into show business! I have brown hair and brown eyes. I've always wanted to be blonde with blue eyes like my mom! How is that generic?? I don't think anyone is "generic" anymore!

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  40. eh, she sounds like a dirty whore, and who wants to work for a dirty whore! ha A badass, non-ecig smoking agent is just right around the corner!

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  41. Bahaha what a horrible person! (Note, I held my tongue and didn't call her the witch that I wanted to...) I'm blonde with green eyes, but I still think that counts as generic and I totally understand how you feel because I've wanted to be a famous singer since I was a little girl. I remember writing a "what do you want to be when you grow up" assignment when I was a kid about being a rock star... and then my back up career was brain surgeon. I had high hopes. Now I'm in the abyss that is graduate school. I've done oh so well for myself... But enough about me. You're not generic. You're funny as hell!!! Just go meet Tina Fey and have her put you on some show. Who needs a talent agent when you have actual talent??

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  42. So on my BL feed, it fed me the first few sentences, all the way through "a scene in this terrible movie" and I friggin' KNEW it was gonna be Life With Mikey because I'm pretty sure that movie made me desire an agent as well.

    Que sera sera, that's the glory of love.

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  43. Don't like her, don't like her one bit. And thanks for finally putting this e-cigarette thing to rest. Amen.

    Also, if you're ever up for an adventure, Jet City Improv in Seattle desperately needs some female talent. It's an amazing Improv, but no thanks to the girls there. You would totally rock it.

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  44. Ew... she sucks. You'll make it big one day... I just know it! But don't get too big for the girl who always comments on your blog and talks about Chicago (sick of me yet?) that you've never met... #creeper

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  45. Ew that woman does sounds very rude! Definitely don't like her! and she smokes e-cigs... gross! Honestly you wouldn't want to work for her anyways! Plus there are probably much younger people out there who would be much better at helping you find an agent and make it big!

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  46. what a cow. and by cow I mean something else not blog comment appropriate.
    you'll show her and her silly cigarettes

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  47. I would ask for a refund if you paid for that mess. Then again, only the tough and determined are going to go far, she's just preparing you. BUT I sooo see the Stephanie Tanner resemblance in your pictures. Don't let that old hag get you down, show 'em what you're made of.

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  48. Oh my God, stop it. Your description of that CRAZY LADY was so good I could actually see her. I still think you have good agent kharma coming your way, e cigs or not;)

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  49. Listen, I'd buy Preparation H from you.

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  50. Wow it sounds like she was definitively playing into a stereotype herself of a "talent agent" esp with her e-cig.
    Good for you for not letting that get you down though!

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  51. Ugh, wedge snow boots. *shudder*. Great head shots!!! Good luck! :)

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