1. I don’t want to sit through an introduction meeting with an over zealous gym sales-person for an hour.
2. I don’t want to take a tour of your gym. It’s a gym, I get it.
3. That being said, I actually don’t get it. And because I didn’t take a tour I will most certainly get lost.
4. Locker rooms make me nervous.
5. I struggle with locker locks and as I sit there fidgeting with the lock every second that ticks by feels like an hour and I’m sure everyone is staring at the idiot girl who can’t open a locker. Terrible memories of junior high rush over me.
6. Steam saunas give me asthma. I tried to sit in one once and almost fainted.
7. I have OLBA. Old Lady Boobie Anxiety. No offense to all of the old lady boobies out there, but it’s true. I just don’t like to see them swinging around in public, I’m modest. And I also can’t help but start humming “do your boobs hang low, do they wobble to and fro….” every time I see an elderly woman walking around a locker room in the nude. It’s just instinct.
8. I don’t have cute workout clothes. I still dress like a second grader in PE class in my baggy t-shirts that say “Express Soccer Tournament 1997” and my shiny checkered Umbro shorts.
9. The only machine I know how to work is the treadmill. And I even struggle with that sometimes.
10. I don’t like to wait in line to run. Or to ride a bike. Or to pretend to glide on air.
11. I always forget to wipe down my machine after I’m done. And when I don’t forget, I half-ass it because it grosses me out.
12. The stair stepper just pisses me off. Where’s the elevator machine?
13. I get too many wedgies when I workout to be in a public place.
14. I don’t sweat a lot but my face gets scary red. After just a few minutes I look like a forty year old man about to have a heart attack and I’m pretty sure that worries people.
15. I don’t need to be surrounded by mirrors on all four sides to watch myself lift a ten pound dumb bell. I’m just lifting weights, I understand the process without having to see a play by play from myself.
16. That douchey guy in the muscle tee who has his pecks hanging out with a nipple piercing who does need to see a play by play of himself? Yeah, I’d rather not work out anywhere near him.
17. That douchey girl in the muscle tee who has her pecks hanging out with a nipple piercing who does need to see a play by play of herself? Yeah, I’d rather not work out anywhere near her.
18. It’s almost a guarantee that my earphone chords will get caught on something during a workout causing me to jerk backward like I was just punched in the face by a ghost.
19. I don’t own enough water bottles to continually forget them in the locker room.
20. I never like what’s on TV while I’m at the gym.
21. I don’t enjoy being surrounded by a crowd of people who are in much better shape than I am. And they clearly know they are.
22. I’m cheap.
We can really forget 1-21, it all boils down to #22. I’m too cheap to pay to do something that can be done for free.
The old lady boobies come out of no where when you least expect it and it WILL happen so it's best to just stay away 😉
I recently quit the gym (I'm stronger than Ross and Chandler) and got an elliptical at home and between that and my workout dvd's I'm in better shape than when I was dragging myself to the gym. So much more convenient and no old lady boobies or douchie muscle guys. Win win!