22 Reasons Why I Don't Join a Gym
Thursday, March 13, 2014
1. I don't want to sit through an introduction meeting with an over zealous gym sales-person for an hour.
2. I don't want to take a tour of your gym. It's a gym, I get it.
3. That being said, I actually don't get it. And because I didn't take a tour I will most certainly get lost.
4. Locker rooms make me nervous.
5. I struggle with locker locks and as I sit there fidgeting with the lock every second that ticks by feels like an hour and I'm sure everyone is staring at the idiot girl who can't open a locker. Terrible memories of junior high rush over me.
6. Steam saunas give me asthma. I tried to sit in one once and almost fainted.
7. I have OLBA. Old Lady Boobie Anxiety. No offense to all of the old lady boobies out there, but it's true. I just don't like to see them swinging around in public, I'm modest. And I also can't help but start humming "do your boobs hang low, do they wobble to and fro...." every time I see an elderly woman walking around a locker room in the nude. It's just instinct.
8. I don't have cute workout clothes. I still dress like a second grader in PE class in my baggy t-shirts that say "Express Soccer Tournament 1997" and my shiny checkered Umbro shorts.
9. The only machine I know how to work is the treadmill. And I even struggle with that sometimes.
10. I don't like to wait in line to run. Or to ride a bike. Or to pretend to glide on air.
11. I always forget to wipe down my machine after I'm done. And when I don't forget, I half-ass it because it grosses me out.
12. The stair stepper just pisses me off. Where's the elevator machine?
13. I get too many wedgies when I workout to be in a public place.
14. I don't sweat a lot but my face gets scary red. After just a few minutes I look like a forty year old man about to have a heart attack and I'm pretty sure that worries people.
15. I don't need to be surrounded by mirrors on all four sides to watch myself lift a ten pound dumb bell. I'm just lifting weights, I understand the process without having to see a play by play from myself.
16. That douchey guy in the muscle tee who has his pecks hanging out with a nipple piercing who does need to see a play by play of himself? Yeah, I'd rather not work out anywhere near him.
17. That douchey girl in the muscle tee who has her pecks hanging out with a nipple piercing who does need to see a play by play of herself? Yeah, I'd rather not work out anywhere near her.
18. It's almost a guarantee that my earphone chords will get caught on something during a workout causing me to jerk backward like I was just punched in the face by a ghost.
19. I don't own enough water bottles to continually forget them in the locker room.
20. I never like what's on TV while I'm at the gym.
21. I don't enjoy being surrounded by a crowd of people who are in much better shape than I am. And they clearly know they are.
22. I'm cheap.
We can really forget 1-21, it all boils down to #22. I'm too cheap to pay to do something that can be done for free.