22 Reasons Why I Don't Join a Gym

Thursday, March 13, 2014


1. I don't want to sit through an introduction meeting with an over zealous gym sales-person for an hour.

2. I don't want to take a tour of your gym. It's a gym, I get it.

3. That being said, I actually don't get it. And because I didn't take a tour I will most certainly get lost.

4. Locker rooms make me nervous.

5. I struggle with locker locks and as I sit there fidgeting with the lock every second that ticks by feels like an hour and I'm sure everyone is staring at the idiot girl who can't open a locker. Terrible memories of junior high rush over me.

6. Steam saunas give me asthma. I tried to sit in one once and almost fainted.

7. I have OLBA. Old Lady Boobie Anxiety. No offense to all of the old lady boobies out there, but it's true. I just don't like to see them swinging around in public, I'm modest. And I also can't help but start humming "do your boobs hang low, do they wobble to and fro...." every time I see an elderly woman walking around a locker room in the nude. It's just instinct.

8. I don't have cute workout clothes. I still dress like a second grader in PE class in my baggy t-shirts that say "Express Soccer Tournament 1997" and my shiny checkered Umbro shorts.

9. The only machine I know how to work is the treadmill. And I even struggle with that sometimes.

10. I don't like to wait in line to run. Or to ride a bike. Or to pretend to glide on air.

11. I always forget to wipe down my machine after I'm done. And when I don't forget, I half-ass it because it grosses me out.

12. The stair stepper just pisses me off. Where's the elevator machine?

13.  I get too many wedgies when I workout to be in a public place.

14. I don't sweat a lot but my face gets scary red. After just a few minutes I look like a forty year old man about to have a heart attack and I'm pretty sure that worries people.

15. I don't need to be surrounded by mirrors on all four sides to watch myself lift a ten pound dumb bell. I'm just lifting weights, I understand the process without having to see a play by play from myself.

16. That douchey guy in the muscle tee who has his pecks hanging out with a nipple piercing who does need to see a play by play of himself? Yeah, I'd rather not work out anywhere near him.

17. That douchey girl in the muscle tee who has her pecks hanging out with a nipple piercing who does need to see a play by play of herself? Yeah, I'd rather not work out anywhere near her.

18. It's almost a guarantee that my earphone chords will get caught on something during a workout causing me to jerk backward like I was just punched in the face by a ghost.

19. I don't own enough water bottles to continually forget them in the locker room.

20. I never like what's on TV while I'm at the gym.

21. I don't enjoy being surrounded by a crowd of people who are in much better shape than I am. And they clearly know they are.

22. I'm cheap.

We can really forget 1-21, it all boils down to #22. I'm too cheap to pay to do something that can be done for free.


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44 comments:

  1. Basically, all of this is just the most accurate thing in the world.

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    1. i agree 100%. i sat here laughing out loud at how accurate this is of everything i feel my gym experiences have been thus far in my life.

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  2. Hahaha. I have these exact thoughts every damn time I'm at the gym. I hate that place. I was going to tell you which one I like best, but I seriously can't pick. This list is too perfect.

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  3. PREACH! I don't know what I was thinking a couple of years ago when I joined the gym — especially since I was in college and had free access to the brand new one on campus, if I wanted it. After like 4 months of freaking out over 3, 4, 9, and actually your entire list, I was like uhhhh yeah, this isn't for me :( yoga in my living room and running through my neighborhood is where it's at for me!

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  4. Hahaha great post. I joined my local gym back in October as it's only £12.99 a month and you didn't have to do a tour/induction to join #score! I totally feel you on numbers 14 and 18 though! My face gets so red I think my hubby was concerned I was going to die the first time we went!! Good job I'd already put a ring on it, eh?!

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  5. Agreed, I am not a fan of paying the high fees just to have to wait in a crowded area.

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  6. You totally forgot my biggest gym gripe - I don't need to hear your grunt while you either lift weight that is to heavy for you, or lift appropriate weights but want to look like you're trying SUPER hard. Grunting for the monkeys at the zoo, and unnamed activities in your own home. Eww.

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  7. #18. Happens every time.

    But I have to say, I joined You-Fit online and didn't have to deal with any of the crap, it's only $15 a month, and NO ONE bothers me. It's mostly older people (which might, in part, be because I live in Naples, FL) and no one talks to me, looks at me, or acknowledges me. You MIGHT like it.

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  8. I'm 100% with you on this. i HATE it when they ask if i'd like a personally training session every.damn.time. NO. that is my answer.

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  9. I'm so with you on this.

    And my face turns so red it actually starts to look purple.

    bisous
    Suzanne

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  10. AGH this is exactly why it took ME so long to join a gym!! #15 and #16 all the dang time! LOL. Guys really need to tone it down at the gym...and seriously...the girl who spent $200 on her new Lululemon outfit when you're just going to sweat all over it? Pa-leazzzee....

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  11. haha!! So, my husband and I just got a one month gym membership for $45 because he wants to train for a race and I guess I would be cruel if I let him run on icy roads with no sidewalks when it's still freezing cold out. He can run outdoors in April. In the meantime, we go to this inexpensive gym where all the elderly couples go. I avoid the locker room...but it's somewhat shameful when I go to use a weight machine after a grandma and the weights are set at too high of a setting for me.

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  12. The old lady boobies come out of no where when you least expect it and it WILL happen so it's best to just stay away ;-)

    I recently quit the gym (I'm stronger than Ross and Chandler) and got an elliptical at home and between that and my workout dvd's I'm in better shape than when I was dragging myself to the gym. So much more convenient and no old lady boobies or douchie muscle guys. Win win!

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  13. You dumb asses obviously just want to walk. You can do that anywhere and at the gym but most people use the gym for the cardiovascular equipment AND to lift weights. This sounds like a bunch of whiney weaklings. Do you even lift....

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    1. I don't lift (thus the point of the sarcastic post) but why do I have a feeling you do? Thanks for stopping by though Nic, now why don't you go back to juicing and looking at yourself in the mirror. I'm sure you're like super hot.

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  14. I don't "juice" as you say. I take protein. I lift weights to stay toned. I do agree there are plenty of douches in the gym. Quit griping about how much you hate it. You don't have to join a gym. For as much as you pay for that gym membership you could easily buy that one item you want for your home and not have to deal with the gym but having that membership motivates you to go. There you have it. Tear that apart.

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    1. Nic, I like you. You seem fun. Nothing to tear apart here, you make a good point.

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    2. Just a pet peave of mine When people gripe about things that can be avoided.

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    3. Very understandable, Nic. It also just happens to be a pet peeve of mine when people willingly read my blog and then tell me what I shouldn't gripe about on my blog. You know, because it's my blog. It was originally going to be called The Daily Gripe, but it just didn't have the same ring. God love the internet though, without we wouldn't have been able to waste the last 10 minutes of our lives on this wonderful discussion about gyms! Like I said Nic, you seem fun and nice and I like your passion about working out. You've inspired me to go on a walk now.

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    4. Well how about that you write a blog about griping. Now that I did your #1 gripe to you, you see how I felt about the gym gripe. I guess I did take the time to read it because it involved griping about the gym. That's what your profession thrives on is more clicks right? Win for both of us...keep on griping Taylor. I may have to read another one now and throw in two cents.

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    5. I just took a shot every time you said gripe.

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    6. I took 22 of them already...

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    7. Look at this witty banter back and forth, this is so us. Nic, you're a hoot. Let's get together for some muscle milk sometime. My gym or yours?

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    8. Probably better be mine because I'm sure your gym manager just got done with #22 and you're no longer welcome. Also a younger crowd so no old lady boobie to fear.

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    9. You guys!! I can so feel the chemistry between you too. <3

      With that in mind, I have a love/hate relationship with the gym & this is spot on.

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    10. I'm going to pray for you guys.

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  15. At my old gym I could not figure out the lock and of course I was too scared to ask for help so I just left it unlocked and hoped no one would look in it. Thankfully my things were there when I got back and the next time my mom showed me how it worked.

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  16. OMG! So true. I literally chuckled at my desk imagining the headphones one. Totally has happened to me! :)

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  17. ^ This was the best thing that's ever happened to me. My Thursday is made.

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  18. I kinda have a thing for Nic now!! I love my gym but it did expose me to an episode of Honey Boo for which I will be scarred for life so there is that to add to your list.

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  19. Hahaha, oh man I wish I could still fit into my umbro shorts so I could sport those at the gym! For now I'll just have to make do with the same pair of Victoria's Secret capri yoga pants and an old college tshirt.

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  20. "2. I don't want to take a tour of your gym. It's a gym, I get it." I like this. A lot. Also, I enjoyed your witty banter with Nic. You two are so BFF's now.

    xo

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  21. I never got a tour of a gym, even though I had already joined it. I also don't like when my earbuds get tangled on stuff and/or I drop my phone, ugh.

    I haven't gone in awhile and thankfully my job pays for it so I don't really have to pay anything... so I should go! lol

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  22. Shit. Do you mean to tell me that Umbro shorts are out of style? That could explain all the stares I guess.

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  23. Yes, and I'd rather spend the hour I'd be spending at the gym... eating pizza.

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  24. You are freaking hilarious! I agree with all of it, especially #22. I can totally spend that money on beer!

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  25. Hahaha #18!!! Hilarious! I'm pretty sure these are all my reasons for not joining a gym. ESPECIALLY #22. That shizz is expensive!!

    xo Denise
    lovelybohemian.blogspot.com

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  26. These are pretty great. Your blog and the muscle man who thinks we're all weaklings for not getting a gym membership. Bloggers can be fit, too! Quick Nic, what's your WPM??

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  27. GRIPE GRIPE GRIPE! Well the only thing I have a gripe with is the headphones thing. Last time I was on the treadmill last week, I nearly hung myself a total of four times. I also have a lot of respect that snark on people's blogs that do NOT post anonymously. You go, Nic. I ain't even mad. I love the gym. I also hate bitches like Tay that are naturally athletic. Dammit, Tay.

    <3

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  28. This is great...I'm even lazier as I came up with a list just as long of excuses as to why I don't exercise...I'm terrible! :(
    Katie x
    http://www.missenchanting.co.uk/

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  29. So the thing about the wedgies, that used to be the same for me, but I've got it figured out. I bought some Adidas brand workout shorts and they come with this built-in underwear. It stays where it's supposed to be and there's no awkward "panty lines". They're the best!

    I also get the red face. It's the worst, it traumatized me in middle school lol.

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