Dear God, it's me Chicago.

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Dear God,

How are ya? It's me, your old friend Chicago. Yeah, you know who I am. We had a brief falling out in '71 (1871 I mean) when you ran a fire through me but we've pretty much been good ever since. We've had some fun times together; St. Patricks Day 1947 ring a bell? I've never laughed so hard in my life.


Anyway, happy Ash Wednesday to you! This has always been one of my favorite religious holidays. Most likely because I was raised Irish Catholic and probably trick myself into confusing relief of guilt with joy, but if the robe fits am I right? I've got a favor to ask, God. Can you take it easy on my people (your Chicago people) for a while? Today's new snow storm even caught me off guard. It's just getting to be a little much, you know? I get that you're super into snow this year and you keep saying I'm bringing winter back, but you've done it. You brought it back. Now will you take it away already?

My people are worn down. And that's saying a lot because we're a tough breed out here. In the beginning we were like polar vortex schmolar vortex, we can take on anything. -45 no big deal, we'll just put on another layer of long underwear! Another blizzard? Bring it on, we'll just camp out in an underground bar and sip on Malort until we warm up. But then it was one snow storm after the other after the other. After the other. And it broke our spirit.

I can see it in their eyes. They've lost their sparkle. Usually my Chicagoans are a great friendly bunch, but they're not acting like themselves right now. They growl at each other to get a seat on the CTA or when someone accidentally bumps them with their huge winter parka. Couples fight about silly things like take your shoes off at the door! Singles are resorting to texting people they wrote out of their lives years ago. People are driving around in their cars like zombies, just a blank stare on their face until someone might accidentally cut them off and they are sent into a fit of rage. God, I saw two women in wedge boots fight for the last avocado at Trader Joe's yesterday. And that's your store.

But what's worse than the angry people are the ones who have just accepted defeat. They float about their days just accepting the fact that new Chicago will simply always have snow on the ground. It's the way it is now. Boots are permanently stained with a ring of salt and scarves will always be a little crusty from getting wet and then cold again. Sidewalks that once held outdoor seating are covered in three feet of old snow and ice. Brown slush and muck have lined the streets for over five months now. And the poor dogs have simply stopped looking for pavement. They'll go anywhere at anytime. It's just how life is now.

Last night was Fat Tuesday and Wrigleyville was empty, God. EMPTY. I know you probably get called to that neighborhood a lot and it's not exactly a shining light in my city, but still. That just doesn't seem right.

So please God, lighten up. Open up the waters, open the beer gardens, melt the snow. Fill the marinas with boats. Fill the streets with festivals and concerts. Bring the sunshine back. The bike paths, the beaches, even those douchey bars by the beaches, we'll take it all. The heat, the humidity, the smells of summer, even the tourists. We just need something. We need the joy of Chicago back.


I intended to write a much different post today. But I woke up and was completely surprised to find five new inches of snow outside my door with more on the way. I almost stated crying on the spot. I know that sounds pathetic, and I am pathetic, but I can't just take it anymore. I'm at my breaking point.

And the graphic I made for today just seems silly now. But the fact remains, I'm hosting a big one day sale. Keep your spirits up, friends. I'm off to smear ashes on my forehead.





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30 comments:

  1. Hysterical. And true. True everywhere I think - obviously the South hasnt had a 'Chicago-bad' winter, but it's been epic for us!

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  2. I feel ya in every sense - this winter has sucked royally! Thanks so much for the spring sale!! Just purchased :)

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  3. Oh my gosh. I literally cannot wrap my brain around this. So. Much. Snow. And it's March!! I've never lived anywhere but Arizona, and earlier in the year I was super jealous of everyone having all these snow days, and part of me wanted to partake in the Polar Vortex, but I think I've changed my mind. This is nuts!!! I definitely feel for your people, er God's people, of Chicago!!

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  4. Just reading the word Malort made me throw up in my mouth. They're only 50 cents a shot at Motel Bar by Japonais. Worst decision ever.

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  5. This post is amazingly on point. All of it. I.Cant.Even. anymore with this weather.

    Danielle @ Allusional

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  6. I feel you, on my way to work the weather man said we will get 'less than an inch' uhhh hello look outside there are about 4 inches on the ground right now. My poor little dog has resorted to peeing on the snow covered deck because she will drown in the snow in the yard.

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  7. Honestly. I can't take anymore. I've been thinking about hitting up a tanning bed to make me less miserable.

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  8. At least it's March... there is now light at the end of the tunnel. Or you can always join me in sunny Florida ;-)

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  9. I couldn't agree with this more. I'm sitting here with my coffee, putting off shoveling the driveway even though it has to be done. I wasn't expecting this new snow.. I just keep looking ahead in the forecast praying for some 40s, at least!

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  10. Can you rewrite that and replace all the Chicago's with NYC's please? Because God could use a letter from us over here as well.

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  11. This is everything. "God, I saw two women in wedge boots fight for the last avocado at Trader Joe's yesterday. And that's your store." Everything.

    And really. This weather. I cannot anymore.

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  12. I AGREE. I felt completely defeated this morning as I trudged my way to the bus stop. When will it end?! (In happier news, I went to Bavettes last night and totally remember you mentioning it in a post long ago... it was awesome.)

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  13. I'm from Chicago and moved to Raleigh, NC last January. I've never experienced anything like what you, all my family, and friends are going through. You really mad light of the situation in your post. Hysterical.

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  14. This letter is so sad, but also hilarious! I feel you. I almost cried at the forecast for Philly last week. Like welled up with tears when I saw another storm coming. Can't take it anymore!

    Are you giving up anything for lent? I said goodbye to Facebook. Hopefully your ashes look like a cross and not a smudge - I hate it when that happens

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  15. This is perfect. I live in Canada, so I'm used to the snow, but even this year has been a little worse for wear. mean, I live in Toronto and we haven't gotten this much snow in YEARS. Enough is enough! I want spring!

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  16. I'm going to be awful and admit that I can't feel ya because I live in Austin, but I'm from Baltimore and while it's no where NEARLY as cold as Chicago, I get it. I had my breaking point a few years ago and moved here. And you are a tough cookeroo too make it this far! And with a dog no less. I'm surprised they aren't just wandering the streets all willy-nilly because the owners have given up on taking them out on leashes numerous times a day.

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  17. I hear you loud and clear.

    I remember though that you got away somewhere hot this year...right??? ; ) Don't think I'd forget about you having to drink a bunch of cold ones on the beach while the rest of us suffered in 6 layers of down.

    I'm looking forward to a lovely Spring, sometime in early June. I hope I'm not being too optimistic.

    bisous
    Suzanne

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  18. gosh I'm glad I don't live in Chicago. I couldn't hack it.

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  19. So true...Pretty much everyone I know has given up hope that we will ever get nice weather again. Also, I heard on the radio that the lake will probably not warm up at all this summer.

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  20. I;m complaining about being cold here in texas, it's NOTHING to compared to what you're going through. Come on sweet baby jesus!

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  21. I have never been to Chicago and doubt I ever will go there but still I enjoyed this post

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  22. My dogs have forgotten what grass looks like. Like you said, they will now relieve themselves anywhere. It's very sad.

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  23. Look at the way you intertwined history and humor!

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  24. And that's your store! HAHAHA love ittttt

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  25. This was hilarious, thank you as always! Now please write a post all about Malort bc I have no idea what it is! Is it the cousin to Philly's 50 cent PBRs (but only if you shotgun it immediately)?

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  26. I enjoyed reading this!! haha! Hope the weather improves

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  27. My friend's parents left Chicago for four days to come visit us in Europe and returned to find that their pipes had frozen and burst. I don't know how you Chicagoans do it!

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  28. I also nearly cried when I saw the snow in the morning on Wednesday. Luckily I'm visiting the parents in florida next week.

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  29. We've had no snow yet! Be happy to take it off your hands for a week ;)

    guesswhathollie.blogspot.co.uk

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