What You're Giving Up For Lent Says About You

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

The good thing about Lent is that it comes around at just about the exact moment when no one can even remember what a New Years Resolution was in the first place. But this time we've got God on our side. We're serious now.

1. Sweets. 
You don't like to think outside of the box, you're a "stick to what I know" kinda person because chances are you've given this one up for the past ten years. And there's also a good chance you've got a vacation coming up or something where you'll be in sleeveless clothing and don't want your arms to jiggle like they are now. No judgment God gets it, have you seen his guns under that white robe?

2. Alcohol.
You don't have a vacation coming up. But now you've got a good excuse to stay in rather than go out during these next few months when you're still suffering from a little bit of winter blues and prefer to watch House of Cards rather than socialize with real people. Or you're an alcoholic.

3. Meat.
You're old school. Or you're too poor to buy meat right now.

4. Complaining. 
Even you can't stand the sound of your own whining voice as of late. Your mom won't return your phone calls and you've stopped getting texts from all of your friends because no one wants to hang out with you anymore since you've turned into such a Debbie Downer.  It's time for a change of attitude, God can help.

5. Coffee.
You don't have a job you hate.

6. Facebook.
You just got out of a relationship. There's no better excuse to jump ship than right now when you've got God behind you whispering words of encouragement like "You should totally just get off Facebook for a while to cleanse yourself, it will be just like the time my son got lost in the desert for forty days. He came back with like 60 new notifications."

Facebook is a tricky one though because as we all know your lenten sacrifice is only legit after you've posted it at least five times on Facebook. (Including the "good bye I'm giving up Facebook" Facebook status.)

7. Television.
But not Netflix.

8. Chocolate.
You've got a serious addiction to candy. Or you just like torturing yourself in preparation of the pounds of Reeses eggs and Snickers candy bars dressed in Easter wrappers that you are going to eat the moment the clock strikes midnight on Easter morning.

9. Wine.
You're not a mom.

10. Swearing.
You are a mom.

11. Smoking.
You don't live in Colorado.

12. Spending money on "frivolous items."
You buy a lot of frivolous shit. Chances are you might be a hoarder of seasonal house decorations from Tj Maxx and Target's clearance aisles.

13. Going out to eat.
You live in Chicago. And you might be getting a little fat.

14. Nothing. Nothing at all.
You got hammered on Fat Tuesday.

Happy Lent 2014! Let the hunger games begin.

*disclaimer: I love Lent and the real meaning behind it. I also love satire. If anyone wants to leave me a "you don't love Jesus" comment please refer to #4. And also #10.

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  1. I think this is hilarious!!!! And I'm not very "serious" according to you...I'm giving up fruit snacks. There should be a #14 added to list what....what giving up "giving a damn" means haha :)

  2. What if I'm not giving anything up? What does that say about me... #loveallmyvices

  3. My uncle gave up coffee for Lent and literally went through withdrawal. Catholics are hard. core.

  4. was #13 personal? because it hit a little close to home lol

  5. I commented on your last post that I'm giving up Facebook - mostly I'm sick of the crap people post on it. SO. much. drama. And I'm putting 25 cents in the rice bowl every time I curse so the poor will probably love me when Easter rolls around!

    Also, I'd give up wine, but I think that would be a little sacrilegious ;)

    Hope you're not too hungry today. I'm STARVING!

  6. HAHA! Too funny!! I did give up sweet tea & I've got one heck-of-a headache today... Also giving up cursing but, no little one on board, just tired of sounding so white trash-y all of the time! So far I've had oatmeal, eggs & toast... tonight it's pancakes for dinner! I seriously fell off the wagon at the grocery store on Monday! I'm not sure what I was thinking not buying anything I could actually eat today or Friday!

  7. Haha I might actually try #5 since I always give up chocolate!

  8. haaaaaaa! This is priceless. And for the record, I'm #1 AND #8 - first time giving up the sweet stuff, we shall see how this one goes.
    And yes. I've totally talked about this at LEAST 5 times on Facebook in the past week. At least I'm not actually giving up Facebook, though, so no farewell post necessary. ;)

  9. My denomination usually doesn't observe Lent, but it makes me feel like a bad Christian to acknowledge that.

    In other news, I found out yesterday that asking people to guess what I am giving up for Lent on Twitter was a great way to do a SWOT analysis on my personal brand. It's a great way to have people identify your destructive habits.

  10. I gave up dunkachinos from dunkin donuts. I would've given up alcohol but this winter is just too much and I genuinely need bourbon as a warming device.

  11. You hit the nail on the head. I gave up sweets, pretty much read your description and that's me! haha

  12. This is so on point! I am a mom, and wine will never be given up. I even always go for the church wine over grape juice on communion days ;-) *guilty*

  13. and I was trying to be so spontaneous by giving up beer. You hit the nail on the head
    Great post.

  14. Love it! May the odds be ever in your favor! ;)

  15. This was hilarious. Love it, Taylor!

  16. fail... i totally gave up "complaining" hahaha Oh but we are in the middle of the worst rain/snow season EVER and trying to build a house (this may be considered a complaint right here... oops!)
    But that Irish Catholic guilt gets to me to give up something and as a newlywed I can't give up alcohol or everyone will think i am pregnant (and I wouldn't want to give it up anyways!)