That Night I Met Chelsea Handler
Tuesday, April 1, 2014
Last night I was super lazy and didn't want to leave the house after I got home from my class at Second City. I could think of at least fifty different reasons I shouldn't go out and tell jokes at an open mic. I'm tired, I don't have new material, it's dark, I wanna lay on the couch blah blah blah.
But a little voice in my head told me to stop being such a baby and just go. So I begrudgingly left Chris and Harlow all cozied up together and ventured to a new bar downtown to go to an open mic I'd never attended before. When I walked inside I was surprised to see it was busier than usual, especially for a Monday night no less. I put my name on the list and took a seat in the corner and started to go over my material. At one point I looked over and saw an older blonde woman in the room. When I do comedy I always notice other women because there's not a lot of us, especially blonde gals.
I also notice when they're seated with two large men who appear to be security guards. That looks like Chelsea Handler, I thought to myself. But I quickly dismissed it because why would Chelsea Handler be at an open mic in Chicago? But then she laughed and I knew immediately. It was Chelsea Handler.
I asked the table next to me and they confirmed it. She just announced yesterday that she's leaving E! and in a quick PR move she's apparently doing talk shows in Chicago and New York about her sudden departure and where she's going to take her show next. So I did what any normal person would do and I quickly wrote down a few jokes aimed right at her.
When it was my turn to go up I was shaking so bad I thought that perhaps I shouldn't make fun of the queen of comedy. Who was I after all to do such a thing? A nobody really. To be more specific I'm actually a nobody who tends to put her foot in her mouth more than she should. But that little voice returned and said screw it, just do it.
And for the next five minutes I proceeded to make fun of Chelsea Handler in every way possible. Her love for vodka, her assistant Chuy, her sluttiness, I hit everything. At first people were scared to laugh, but once she clapped her hands together and threw her head back in approval the room let loose. And I just continued on in a comedy blackout not sure what I was even saying.
When I got done you'll never believe what happened next. It's something I know I'll never forget. It was truly one of the moments where I thought to myself, holy shit this could change everything.
She walked over to me after I stepped off the stage, shook my hand firmly, and looked at me real seriously in the face and said... April Fools.
Oh my life is sad. What kind of creep writes an entire fake post just for the sake of April Fools? This girl. I just love this holiday so damn much I couldn't help myself. I was writing a normal post but then I saw Chelsea on the news and decided to run with it. Don't hate me too much, you should actually pity me.
That's all I've got for today. Happy April Fools, everyone! I'm off to pour a cup of cold water on Chris in the shower.