That Night I Met Chelsea Handler

Tuesday, April 1, 2014


Last night I was super lazy and didn't want to leave the house after I got home from my class at Second City. I could think of at least fifty different reasons I shouldn't go out and tell jokes at an open mic. I'm tired, I don't have new material, it's dark, I wanna lay on the couch blah blah blah.

But a little voice in my head told me to stop being such a baby and just go. So I begrudgingly left Chris and Harlow all cozied up together and ventured to a new bar downtown to go to an open mic I'd never attended before. When I walked inside I was surprised to see it was busier than usual, especially for a Monday night no less. I put my name on the list and took a seat in the corner and started to go over my material. At one point I looked over and saw an older blonde woman in the room. When I do comedy I always notice other women because there's not a lot of us, especially blonde gals.

I also notice when they're seated with two large men who appear to be security guards. That looks like Chelsea Handler, I thought to myself. But I quickly dismissed it because why would Chelsea Handler be at an open mic in Chicago? But then she laughed and I knew immediately. It was Chelsea Handler.

I asked the table next to me and they confirmed it. She just announced yesterday that she's leaving E! and in a quick PR move she's apparently doing talk shows in Chicago and New York about her sudden departure and where she's going to take her show next. So I did what any normal person would do and I quickly wrote down a few jokes aimed right at her.

When it was my turn to go up I was shaking so bad I thought that perhaps I shouldn't make fun of the queen of comedy. Who was I after all to do such a thing? A nobody really. To be more specific I'm actually a nobody who tends to put her foot in her mouth more than she should. But that little voice returned and said screw it, just do it. 

And for the next five minutes I proceeded to make fun of Chelsea Handler in every way possible. Her love for vodka, her assistant Chuy, her sluttiness, I hit everything. At first people were scared to laugh, but once she clapped her hands together and threw her head back in approval the room let loose. And I just continued on in a comedy blackout not sure what I was even saying.

When I got done you'll never believe what happened next. It's something I know I'll never forget. It was truly one of the moments where I thought to myself, holy shit this could change everything.

She walked over to me after I stepped off the stage, shook my hand firmly, and looked at me real seriously in the face and said... April Fools.

Oh my life is sad. What kind of creep writes an entire fake post just for the sake of April Fools? This girl. I just love this holiday so damn much I couldn't help myself. I was writing a normal post but then I saw Chelsea on the news and decided to run with it. Don't hate me too much, you should actually pity me.

That's all I've got for today. Happy April Fools, everyone! I'm off to pour a cup of cold water on Chris in the shower.


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62 comments:

  1. Okay this has happened to me TWICE so far today! You got me, you totally did! :)

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  2. Crap! You totally got me. The kids and I booby trapped the kitchen sink so my husband would get sprayed when he turns it on. He's sleeping in and I've been sprayed in the stomach twice so far. I laugh every dang time.
    Happy, happy april fools day. Like we need a special day.

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  3. That was a good one. I am the moron that said to herself; "Wait, why did she say 'April Fools' to her? It was the 31st yesterday?!" #godhelpme

    Danielle @ Allusional

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  4. You totally got me! Good one, Taylor. Good one.

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  5. You're good - totally fooled me on this one!! Sad it wasn't a true story - would have been amazing!

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  6. At first I was like "why would she say April Fools to you". Then I got it. I am so gullible, it hurts. haha P.S. hilarious post.

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  7. Um - You definitly got me. I was thinking the whole time how brave you had to be to do something like that! And also how crazy lol.

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  8. Oh my goodness girl, you totally got me!!! I track Chelsea whenever she's in Chicago so I was like "WHAT?!" Oh man too good.

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  9. I totally fell for that. And my disappointment was so real!! Ha ha I hope you do meet her someday.

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  10. AAAAHAHAHAHAHA. <3 PS the cold water in the shower thing? Totally played out and I hate it.

    I say that only because I've always been the recipient, not the pour-er, and IT FRIGGING SUCKS.

    And I'm a chicken because i'm positive Eric would murder me.

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  11. I totally fell for that! I snapchatted all my friends that I eloped over the weekend and watched the excited selfies roll in. I am cheaply entertained.

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  12. And I was just waiting for you to say that she offered you some amazing position on her show..DAMN YOU! LOL

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  13. But at least we all THOUGHT this was a possibility. You really don't know if it could happen someday!

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  14. What the flipping fcuk. That's all I have to say. Totally forgot what today was until now. :)

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  15. Damn you..I was all holy moly she met her and had the balls to do that and then you went all April fools. I want to let you know..your the first to get me today!

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  16. HAHAHAHA I was like OMG that is the coolest! Well played Taylor, well played.

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  17. AHHH Got me! I was getting all excited for you and then boom. I'm moving to Chicago soon so I got all excited that if it could happen to you MAYBE it could happen to me too! A girl can dream! haha

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  18. I was sooooo freaking excited for you!!! Until you dropped the bomb. Oh well. It's a nice fantasy and maybe something similar will happen one day. You never know......

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  19. I forgot today was April fools, dang it! You got me so good, I was getting so excited for you ha ha!

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  20. Sh*t I just got so excited for you!!!!! I love her and that would have been an amazing story. Time to start writing some goals involving Chelsea Handler because how cool would that be if it happened now? :-)
    Amanda|Meet @ the Barre

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  21. Hahaha. Way to go. That actually sounds like something that COULD happen :) I hope one day it does happen for you!! Wish I still lived in Chicago so I could come hear your stand up!

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  22. This completely got me hahaha. I got pretty excited for a second.

    Miranda xx | www.theawkwardbrunette.blogspot.com

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  23. Haha it was a great April Fools post!

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  24. So yeah I definitely was like "wait, why did Chelsea tell her April Fools" then I had to read the comments to see that YOU april fools'ed us. Dammit. This was so good.

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  25. I love April Fool's day too! Why didn't I think to write a fake post?? Gosh you have all of the best ideas.

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  26. Damn you!!!! You totally had me.

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  27. Haha amazing!!! I totally believed you! But I honestly think it's possible that Chelsea Handler would be impressed by your stand up sooo... not that far fetched!

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  28. Haha but I totally wish you did meet her, so I want this to be real!

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  29. Hook, line, and sinker. Got me girl. Now I'm googling to see if she really annouced she's leaving E!

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  30. And you literally broke my heart. UGH meanie head.

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  31. YES. This was amazing. I would love this to be real - also I hope you actually did pour a glass of water on him in the shower. I love April 1st.

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  32. Damn you woman! I was getting so excited for you!

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  33. I loved this!! And so so so wish it were true!!! :)
    Thank you for always making me laugh!!

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  34. I totally fell for it!! I was so excited for you and now I'm so bummed that it wasn't real. Thanks a lot! Ha!

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  35. ha haha ha ha! Out of all the April Fool's posts this is the only one that got me : )

    bisous
    Suzanne

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  36. Then there's me...the most gullible girl on the planet who hates April Fools for this very reason. I was literally reading this and getting so excited!!!

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  37. Love it!! I posted on Facebook that I had accepted a new job in NJ and had so many comments, texts, direct messages that I had to FINALLY admit the truth. I love a good reason to laugh!!

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  38. #hate you. This was seriously great. I was so excited for you and then I died on the inside.

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  39. When I was scrolling through my blogger feed and saw this I first thought, "No way, that's an April Fool's joke." Then, "Why would she write it just for April Fools? It must be real." Then reading through, building with excitement, OMG I love Chelsea and would die at this opportunity, holy crap Tay must've killed it, andddddddd now I hate you.

    :) Have a great day!

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  40. I have fallen for this crap all day!
    I should obviously get with the program

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  41. Hahah I was waiting for this big spectacular ending like she gave you her card or something lol that was good! Especially since I definitely forgot it was April fools!

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  42. that was spectacular and you got me! glad i read it all the way. how did the cold water dump go?

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  43. You got me... You totally got me.
    Too bad though. I was giving you serious cool cred for coming up with a bunch of Chelsea Handler jokes on the spot.. !!

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  44. You got me, Taylor! I was reading through this thinking how awesome this is and how Chelsea is going to be your new best friend and then I realized it was a fake out. Well done!

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  45. I totally fell for this, hook, line & sinker. And barely made it through to "april fools" before the urge to run to Google her departure took over! Haha

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  46. I completely fell for this! I was so excited for you!

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  47. Granted that I'm reading this on April 2nd I thought I was over the April Fools jokes, but no, you got me.

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  48. I am reading this way too late to notice that it was dated April 1...so yeah, you totally got me. Haha

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