Going Lulu at Lululemon

Tuesday, June 24, 2014


Walking into a Lululemon is a lot like how I imagine Curly Sue must have felt when she got her first really nice bath at the rich woman's apartment-  even though she knew it wasn't real and probably wasn't going to last long, she pretended for just a second she belonged in that life anyway.

I usually find myself wandering in Lulu because I'm hiding from something else, usually my online bank statement or a call from Comcast. I like to go into this store and pretend it's where I always shop, as if debating between $130 polka-dot or floral yoga pants is simply my norm.

I will also occasionally come here because it's usually highly air conditioned and maybe the beautiful Lulu girls will think I'm covered in sweat because I just got done cycling (at Soul Cycle because I'm rich, remember) and not that I've been chasing my dog around at a urine infested dog park, searching for a leaf big enough to pick up his deuce pile because once again I've forgotten to bring a bag. I'm not that girl, not at Lulu I'm not, anyway.

The peppy greeter who waits by the door in her peppy Lulu gear says hello when I walk inside and asks if she can help with anything.  I smile back and tell her, "No, I'm good. Just browsing." Which is code for, "No, I'm poor. Just pretending to shop."

And so I browse the running shorts because Lulu-Me runs marathons, in $55 shorts no less. Shorts with a skirt on them, how adorable.  I can't tell you how many times I've been on a jog and thought to myself, you know what these shorts are missing? A nice feminine flap over the top. I make a mental note to come back and buy the striped pair someday, like when I start to run. Or have money.

And then I see the hoodies hanging in a row and my heart melts a little. I LOVE hoodies. And the grungy middle schooler in me gets absolutely gitty over the little thumb holes Lulu has in their beautiful $140 sweatshirts with the iconic Lulu sign on the front. This would mean I wouldn't have to slit them with a knife like I did when I was a thug. I want them all.

But it's at this moment then the shelves upon shelves of yoga pants in all different patterns, lengths, textures, and colors beckon me over. The skinny mannequins wearing them look great and for a second I get jealous of their artificial legs and wonder if they do yoga, or if those perfectly sculpted muscles are from Pilates? Or perhaps they were just made that way.

"We're better than you," the mannequins taunt. "We don't eat gluten, or carbs, or GMOs, or chocolate, or soda, or splenda, or caffeine, or alcohol, or wheat, or dairy, or meat, or food. Just your soul. soul. soul."

I must be starting to lose it I think. And I am. This store makes me crazy. It makes me Lulu. The pretty patterns on the clothing and the photos of jacked female athletes next to inspiring life quotes on the wall swirl around me telling me to buy, buy, buy. Forget the price, Lulu's clothes really do make you look better.  There's a reason every woman on the street proudly marks herself as a part of the cult with that small "stylized A" logo appearing somewhere on her body.

Before coming in here I was okay with my ratty old Target exercise tops and pants that I bought off the clearance rack for $5.99 a piece. They get the job done. And by "job" I mean day drinking on my patio or laying on my couch for endless hours watching Orange Is The New Black.

But this place makes me think I need a $74 racerback top with the three stripes across the chest. I NEED IT. If I buy it I will probably start working out. And then I will have more energy. And then I will have a better job. And more money. And better hair. And skin. And relationships. And my dog will learn how to pick up his own poop. And I will no longer question where my life is going every single day...

Why would I? I have a beautiful new work out top that is made from material that is sweat resistant, that also magically transforms the scent of body odor into that of a spring rain shower falling into a pond at the base of a lavender volcano. It's called lyrca, I think.

But then.

But then I'm brought back to life when another Lulu girl suddenly appears and asks if I'd like a dressing room. A dressing room? Like to try this stuff on?

"No, I'm good," I lie. The yoga pants I typically buy come in sizes like small, medium, large and one size fits all because they're marked down to $5 so I'm buying them regardless of how low the crotch area sags. Yoga pants sized like dress pants just confuse me. And yoga pants sized even smaller than normal dress pants just make me feel bad about myself.

And so as quickly as I imagined my new fake life with my new fake wardrobe, I say good bye to it all.

I walk outside, back into my reality and am once again the sane, practical person who realizes Lululemon yoga pants won't make me a better person, or give me a better life. That's just silly and we all know it.

But I think everyone can agree they most definitely give you a better ass.


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35 comments:

  1. Lulu makes me crazy - so many nice things but for just far too much money!

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  2. Guaranteed, this is the next viral post. Nice job, Tay. I just busted my ass in Target workout clothes and couldn't be more happy about it.

    ... and by busting my ass, I mean literally busting my ass. I fell off my spin bike.

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    1. Oh, and I wasn't the only one who ripped thumb holes in my hoodies before the industry caught on?! Awesome!

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  3. On point! I try to myself that with just about everything I can't afford! :)

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  4. haha, this is so funny and totally true! Oh to be rich to just walk in and buy a better butt :)

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  5. I have yet to buy anything from Lulu because of this exact scenario. I get it, I do but why is it SO expensive. Man, I wish I was cooler.

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  6. SO true! Lulu is so expensive, I don't drop that much money on like anything, especially not new yogas. My favorite yoga pants right now are from Old Navy.

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  7. i chuckled reading this entire post. i wish i could afford lulu because they really are that cute!

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  8. This is gold! Seriously, though: why not just cut out the middle man and cover your butt in $100 bills? Your fancy-lady-sweat will smell even fancier!

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  9. By far my most favorite post, ever!

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  10. I have never been in there, and probably never will. I like too many other things, like gas in my car. I feel pretty proud when I score a pair of $20 Nike Dri-Fit pants at Marshall's or TJ Maxx...I can't imagine walking in there and then back out with nothing...HA!

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  11. SO true! it's a cruel game they play on us!

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  12. I once went into the Lululemon in East Hampton. If you ever want to feel poor and fat, go there.

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  13. This is the greatest thing I've read in a LONG time. I run, and I run a lot, but I don't own Lululemon anything, and probably never will. #poorpeopleprobs But the fucktards I run with who do happen to have their shit together are astonished that I'd dare run in anything less than Lulu.

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  14. I am glad you have "peppy" people welcoming you into the store. In Dallas, they ignore you until you buy shomething and ven then they are not nice or peppy. I have to buy my yoga pants here because I am 6'3'' and they are the only place I have found that have pants long enough. I die a little on the inside each time I make a purchase. Luckily, my pants have lasted a long time so I have only had to buy from them twice.

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  15. That's why I only go to the Lulu outlet to shop lol. I must admit though, my lulu stuff has lasted a LONG time, so I haven't really had to buy any new stuff lol.

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  16. Oh my gosh....living in the city where Lululemon started, this post just hit the nail on the head. Oh! I've felt all of those things. Thank you for expressing it so well!

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  17. Thank you so much for writing this post! I usually try to avoid buying name brand stuff, but there's so much pressure to give in! I'm perfectly happy with my wardrobe, even if a lot of it is from Target!

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  18. This is the best thing I've read all day & it's been a pretty great day.

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  19. Ah, Lulu. I'm so glad I don't know where the closest store is.

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  20. haha! this needs to turn into a comedy bit. I have been there one too many times.

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  21. This is definitely the truest thing I've read all day. Love it!

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  22. Hilarious! Described perfectly :)

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  23. I haven't even stepped into a Lululemon because the name is just too weird for me. It's seems like it should be a kitchen store or someplace that sells little Asian trinkets.

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  24. Awesome, awesome post! I love lulu, but can't afford any of it. The struggle is real!

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  25. hahahahaha 100% true! so ridiculously overpriced and unnecessary, but somehow stores like that make you feel better for 5 minutes

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  26. I stay clear of such stores and not just because I am a short fat middle aged woman

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  27. Love this…it's so true. I would love lulelemon clothes but I can't justify spending that much for clothes that I will sweat in. You seriously made my day with this post!!

    xo, Taylor

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  28. I lolled so hard at this, can completely relate; the struggle is absolutely real! sometimes I think my lack of possession of high end sporting attire is nothing less than a reflection of how together my shit is not. Ya know?

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  29. ...must spend $200 on a spandex workout outfit.... (in my best zombie voice)

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  30. This is very very well said and so on point! The only, and I mean only, reason I own anything LuLu is because the Lulu clad parents of my students give me gift certificates for Christmas/End of year gifts! They were obviously tired of seeing me in large t-shirts and see through spandex jogging around the school. Though I haven't figured out if it makes me feel better or worse shopping in Lulu with a gift certificate...

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  31. Oh my goodness this was hilarious. I confess I am slightly obssesed with this store and I am one of those girls running in the lulu skirts. But it's still really funny.

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  32. This totally made me laugh out loud - I am so glad someone else thinks like I do! As much as I wear my "working out" clothes for every day - I almost could justify spending that cash...ha...might as well wear them to work!

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  33. This is so hilarious!! I have to admit I got a little addicted to lululemon after a good friend who used to work there dumped half her wardrobe into my closet (she literally thought she had too much lululemon!) and it's all stuff that holds up really well. I will point out one thing though - it's not a "stylized A" as you suggest, it's actually the greek letter omega. :)
    But seriously I'm dying at how great this post is. Love your blog!!

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