An Open Letter To The Douchebags of Chicago

Thursday, October 9, 2014

In response to this guy.


Dear 40 Year-Old, Male, Single, 5'10", Fit, Bald, Caucasian, Hazel-Eyed, Overeducated, Nice Dressing,Wine- and Food-Obsessed, West Loop-living Secret Admirer,

I am swooning over here.

SWOONING.

Can I just say how nice it is to finally hear a big handsome male like yourself say what I have been dying to hear my entire life?  That you notice me! There is a purpose for me getting up each and every day after all.

And the fact that you notice my sexy boots and flared skirts (not sure what those are but God love you for knowing) and my leggings and cashmere sweaters that "coyly accentuate my bosom." I am so tickled to hear this for many reasons. For starters, I only get dressed in the morning with the hopes that men will look at me and find me attractive. After all, isn't that the sole purpose of women looking nice? So men can enjoy us of course! Sweet sweet men like yourself.

And I can't tell you how long it's been since I've heard a man say something so cute as "coyly accentuate your bosom." If there's any type of man I want admiring me, it's a man like you who appreciates a good bosom. Whenever I get dressed I ask myself two things. 1. Does this accentuate my bosom? And 2. is there any man out there kind enough to even notice? Now I know.

So please, next time you see me on the street go ahead and stop me so you can pay me that awesome compliment about my style or my body. I'm just so happy to know you're looking at both! And besides, chances are I have absolutely nowhere to be, or anything to do anyway. I'm probably just walking around aimlessly looking for cupcakes or men to validate me. Women are always on the hunt for both hehe!

As for the sunglasses tip, well now I'm just embarrassed. This whole time I've been wearing them under the impression they made me look both sexy and cool. I assure you it was never something so silly as just a protection for my eyes against the sun, I really thought they made me look cute. But just unapproachable? Oh no! I can speak for all women when I say not only are we approachable, we also all want to be approached. At all times! It makes us feel good on the inside to know some men just look at us like we're cute little kittens.

And you're right, I should take out my silly earbuds so I can hear more compliments from men I don't know! I think we both know I'm just listening to Mandy Moore's I'm Missing You Like Candy on repeat anyway.

So thank you! Thank you for this "unsolicited missive." I too can only hope and pray it will improve my odds of someday finding a man like you who can tell me how nice my scarf matches my eyes. Because you know what this world needs? More eye compliments.

And I'm definitely going to work on my default expression. Sometimes I just forget how much other people appreciate when I mask everything with a cute smile (giggles!) Girls should always be smiling, what do we have to worry about anyway right? Right! I feel better already.

Thanks again for empowering women with this fun letter.

XOXO
Girl Who Recently Had To Change Her Walking Route After Not One, But Two Women Were Sexually Assaulted In Her Neighborhood Two Weekends In A Row.


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36 comments:

  1. Someone needs to tell Douchebag that some of us can't help it if we have resting bitch face. IT'S WHAT GOD GAVE US and is a defense mechanism to keep douches like him from approaching us on the street.

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  2. This all day everyday. I got catcalled while driving on a freeway last week and it boiled my blood so much that I was hoping the idiots were going to the same place I was just so I could hit them hard.

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  3. That is the most ridiculous letter I have ever read in my life. Thank you for writing a response that guy is a douche!!

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  4. hold on though, your last line- that is really scary. carry mace please. second. what a creep. I will stick a smile up your ass. Idiot.

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  5. I'm so sorry to hear two women were sexually assaulted in your neighborhood, that is so scary. I love your response though...this guy is such a creep!!!

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  6. Props to you for writing a hilariously en pointe and 100% accurate societal quip. You go, glen coco. In your "cool and sexy sunglasses" and all their glory.

    lovelovelove,
    Erica
    cominguprosestheblog.com

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  7. And I second Helene, carry mace and stick smiles up all of the creepazoids asses because they're disgusting pigs.

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  8. This is a great response! That guy sounds super creepy, and I am glad you stood up to it. A few weeks ago a car full of guys slowed down and honked at me. It's not flattering, it's creepy and disrespectful. And I definitely know what it is like to feel afraid to walk home at night. Not to long ago several girls were sexually assaulted right on the corner of my apartment. I always have to make sure I plan in advance so I am not walking alone late at night, and it's scary and unfortunate that it has to be that way.

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  9. This is the second time in the past few months I've seen something like this from a man giving "advice" like this. Just so gross. And you're response is perfect so I don't have anything else to add but I second Helenes comment about carrying mace!

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  10. That's just horrifying. Men like him are the reason women try to be unapproachable. To avoid having to talk to creeps like him.

    Sarah
    Midwest Darling

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  11. That whole thing was pretty vomit-y on so many levels but you hit them all right back, and pretty damn well, so well that I had to go from quiet reader to commenter just to tell you. (hehe! Don't you feel validated now?) Vom. Also I don't really know what this means but I had the song "Candy" in my head all morning and was actually singing it in the shower this morning. Something about this song is in the air today. Also, another vote for mace and maybe a self-defense course — a shame I felt the need to write that; I'd never feel compelled to give a man living in any city the same advice. Sigh.

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  12. This is a great response...you tell him!!

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  13. I bet this guy is actually confused as to why he is still single in his 40s. What a creep. I'll second (or third) Helene's recommendation to carry mace!

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  14. A thousand time UGH!
    This kinda shit just gets my blood boiling and it's happening more and more. I've got the same thing happening in my home town (I'm in Australia) to the point where women are advised not to walk or run alone and definitely without headphones. What the ACTUAL fuck? Now I have to revert back to being a child and having to be escorted places?! I'm sick to death of being afraid and guys like this fuckstick don't make it any easier! Great letter Taylor!!
    Rosie

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    Replies
    1. Guys (even good nice guys) simply won't ever understand what it's like to do the small things we do everyday. Like for example keep our earbuds out at night to make sure we're not snuck up on. Or that moment we feel someone walking too quickly and too closely behind us. Or simply that creepy look... Just sucks.

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  15. Cheers to you for sticking up for yourself and women. Men need to learn how to respect women and treat us as equals. Some of the things, actually a lot of the things men say and do to women is purely disgusting.

    Best,
    Katie Petty
    Theparisianwannabe.blogspot.com

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  16. I wish I knew who this gem of a manchild is. I want to just flick him right between his eyes when he starts his eye compliment spiel.

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  17. Taylor, this letter is perfect. I'm so fed up of being told my layers of hoodies aren't cute, I don't wanna be cute, I want to be warm!

    guesswhathollie.blogspot.co.uk

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  18. I just love when "angry" men take to craigslist to rant about their sorry lives. No wonder it was named after a man ;p

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  19. Oh man! What a fantastic response!! Can you actually post that in response to his letter?! Is that possible!? That would be hilarious. I love how he's honest about being bald in his sign off though. That was nice. Oh, and about being overeducated. Is that a humble way of saying he's really educated? Oh, and, I'm sorry to hear that about your neighborhood! Bring that big dog with you every time!! And I second Helene, get some mace girl.

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  20. Please, please, PLEASE tell me you sent him this response.

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  21. This could be morphed into any of a million online dating profiles I have read in the last couple of years since my divorce. Just awful and completely self absorbed. What a douche!!!

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  22. You have absolutely no idea how brilliant this is. Love it.

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  23. Seriously.

    And my question is, why is that "overeducated" gentleman writing letters on Craig's List. Does he really have nothing better to do with his time?

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  24. That letter really irks me, but I love your response to it, it's perfect. I really hate walking anywhere alone due to people like this asshat who think they should definitely 100% voice their opinion on your appearance. I made my boyfriend pick me up from work last week after some moron creep asked if I would "like to come to his private residence", WTF. Who the hell talks like that? Regarding your walking route, that is horrifying. You should definitely carry mace or pepper spray with you!

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  25. Douche bags write things like this and now they're wondering why feminism exists? GDI

    Life With Antlers // A Personal Blog

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  26. Oh my God this is epic. I never understood the Open letter concept, but rebuttles are always classic!! Have a good one!! I'm headed back to change into something more revealing. I heard the bald guys dig it. :)

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  27. I live in Chicago, i was under the impression when i wear boots and cashmere i was dressing for warmth not to impress. Also, just an FYI to this guy sometimes we wear our ear buds even when our ipod/phone is dead to look unapproachable for you comments because apparently a wedding ring isn't enough. Thanks for replying to this douchebag!

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  28. lol fantastic! Do more of these please!

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  29. This post is fantastic! I hadn't seen that Craiglist "ad" until you posted it and just....what the hell? I love your response!

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  31. A really very nice post by u keep it up!!! thanks for sharing

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