Barre Talk

Thursday, May 29, 2014

Yesterday I had the pleasure of babysitting Knox for two hours while my sister ran a few errands. And in those two hours I'm pretty sure we did more than I've done in two weeks. It was exhausting. At one point he called me a "doo-doo face" because I wasn't playing "dogs" like he wanted. I told him that was a pretty bold statement for a boy who's middle name should have been Skid Marks McGee. Kidding. But not really. I know that's pretty gross. But here's the thing about toddlers, they're pretty gross. And if you're a mom, or someone who has have ever been around little kids, I'm sure you get this.

Knox is a clean kid, don't get me wrong. But little kids in general are just sticky gooey messes. I gave him a fudgesicle and two seconds later it looked like he had deliberately painted that thing all over his face. He had fudgesicle behind his ear. I don't even know how. At one point I caught him eating a French fry he found in his pocket.

Oh to be three again.

But anyway, I'm about to do a big old photo dump on you from the past few days. Let's start with a few from my mom and sister's new barre studio in Norfolk they're opening this weekend, Bella Barre. I am beyond jealous about this place and the fact they are going to have access to it whenever they want.

And that's been a little bit of life the past few days. Beers, lake, pool, puppies, pretty much all of my favorite things.

Now it's time to write a few new jokes for tomorrow. I am truly so excited to see those of you that are coming to the Funny Bone! Excited/nervous/freakingout...

And PS congrats to Jenna Newsome for winning my bday giveaway. Your loot is headed your way!

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28 Things No 20 Something Wants To Hear

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

When you're struggling after a long holiday weekend and the blog ideas have run dry, what do you do? You turn to your blogger partner in crime and write a collaboration post and hope for the best. At least that's what Bon and I decided to do.

You all know Bon as the writer extraordinaire, mama-to-be, and the blogger who bares her soul in a post like this, and then turns around and writes a hilarious survival guide like this.

I know her as one of the first bloggers I contacted years ago to ask what this whole blogging thing was all about. She told me, I listened, and here we are.

And thus we present to you:

1.  Did you see that your ex boyfriend got married?  His wife is smoking hot.

2.  Do you ever get tired of throwing so much money away on rent?

3.  Oh you are majoring in (insert semi-impractical-but-you-totally-love-it major here)?  What kind of a job are you going to get with that major?

4.  I always used to think of you as a little girl, you suddenly look so old to me... (Thanks, Grandma!)

5.  Are you the last of your friends who is still single?

6.  When are you going to get married?

7.  When are you going to start having kids?

8.  No one is going to buy the cow if you give the milk away for free.

9.  Oh, you’re single?  I know someone of the opposite gender who is also single.  I can set you up.

10. Don't you think it's time you find a "real job?"

11. You know, if you fixed yourself up a little more it’d be a lot easier to meet a guy.

12. Aren't you at the age when you should stop eating crap like that?

13. How much money do you make?

14. Did you go to school for the job you have?

15. Have you thought about putting any money into retirement?

16. Do you have a 401k?

17. You’re being kicked off your parents’ insurance.

18. What kind of benefits do you get?

19. Your credit card statement is late.

20. Are you where you thought you'd be in life right now?

21. You don’t even know what it means to love until you have a baby.

22. So… what do you do all day?

23. Is that still your same car from college?

24. Did you hear Laurie is buying a house?

25. Oh don't worry about it, no one stays skinny after high school!

26. Well, heavens knows that if Janet got married you can too!

27. How long do you plan on living in this apartment?

28. What are your investment plans for the future?

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Life's A Pool, Jump In

Tuesday, May 27, 2014

Here's the thing about jumping in a pool at a wedding reception, it always sounds like a good idea in theory. But after you do it, it's usually like okay now what?  

Because if you're dumb enough to think it's a good idea to jump in a pool fully clothed at a wedding reception, chances are you're dumb enough to not think about what happens right after you jump in said pool. You're soaking wet, standing at the door looking at all of the happy guests inside, wondering what your next move is. See it's that "next move" no one ever really thinks about.

Naturally we just went back inside like nothing had happened.

Except for the fact we were dragging pools of water with us everywhere we went and we now looked like a couple of wet dogs. A "wet yorkie" is actually what my friend Roy said exactly. And we all know being called a wet yorkie is like the highest compliment ever.

I know some of you are probably thinking how pissed you'd be if you were the bride right about now. Well that's the thing you have to understand about this specific wedding party. They like to party. This was one of those weddings that you just knew was going to be like a time travel back to college. And it did not disappoint. At every wedding reception there's alway that "one guy" who people expect to get a little out of hand by the end of the night, well this reception was full of those "one guys." Thus the reason I thought it was okay to jump in the pool and go from this,

to ringing my hair out on the dance floor in just a few hours.

Did I mention my parents were at the reception, as well? They were really proud.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. I just really love weddings. So congrats again to Colin and Kari, thanks for inviting me, you guys throw a great party.

And PS I'm sorry I wrote "Go Norfolk Panthers -Tay #22" in your guest book. But just because you invited me to your wedding doesn't mean I'm going to forget that bullshit five second call in 2003. We all know the Norfolk Panthers are way better than the Fremont Tigers.

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How To Have An American Summer- According To Pottery Barn

Thursday, May 22, 2014

Sometimes I just forget how to be American. Luckily, every year right before Memorial Day a nice thick magazine from Pottery Barn arrives at my doorstep reminding me how to do so.

I don't know about you, but without this guide from PB I would be lost all summer long!

How To Be American Part 1.

Item E. American Flag Print Pillow made in (wait for it!) AMERICA. Obviously.
$49.50- That's a steal if ever I've seen one. I'll order ten. Make that 100.

How many USA flag pillows is too many to put out on one's couch? Trick question! There's no such thing as too many USA flag pillows.

Item B. Party Caddy, $99
Item C. Pennants, $12.50

I can't tell you how many times I've been to summer barbecues over the years and looked around and thought, sure this party is fun, but you know what would make it really fun? A wicker party caddy! Now the real party can start.

And miniature penant flags for condiments? LOVE IT. That's just American is what it is. We love condiments and we love mini flags. God bless.

Item E. Red Ant Placecard Holder, $22

If I had a dollar for every time I've set out name tags during the summer and thought to myself, man I sure wish I had some decorative ants to hold these name tags, I would have at least $7! At least! And at only $22 a piece Pottery Barn is practically giving away these ants. For this price you couldn't even afford to grow your own ant farm.

Item D. Travel Bar, $199.

Get out of my head, Pottery Barn! Better yet, get out of my dad's head! He has been asking for a "travel bar picnic basket" for Father's Day for the past ten years now! I've searched high and low but just have never been able to find the right alcohol basket that really screams "dad," while also being fully functional by including all four of the necessary wine tools one needs to drink wine. That is until now. You've done it again, PB. My dad is going to love this, now he never has to stop drinking!

Item G. Red Wagon Party Bucket, $159

Just like the one I used to ride in when I was little. But now instead of carrying children it carries ice and vodka. If this isn't American, I don't know what is. USA! USA! USA!

Item J. Distressed Wooden Oars, set of 3 only $119!

Yes, yes and yes. You know where these would go great? Right next to the wall where I have my decorative canoes hung. Which of course are right by the retro kayaks. With the focal point being the weathered white water rafting raft I have hanging from the middle of my ceiling with the nautical mood lights attached.

Item C. Punched Hanging Lanterns, Large $149 $104

Thank God these were decreased to only $104, because at $149 I was going to have to question them for a second. But $104 for a hanging lantern is totally practical. Because hanging lanterns are totally practical. If you think you have enough hung from your outdoor beach ceiling do yourself a favor and hang ten more! Then 50 more. And then maybe just maybe, you'll start feeling like an American.

Item A. Mason Jar Drink Dispenser, $69

Um yes! Finally a drink dispenser just for my mason jars. I'm so tired of my masons having to share drink dispensers with all of my other common glasses. Enough is enough! Let's stop pretending that all of our glasses are equal, because they're not! Drinking from jars just feels right, it's what we were born to do.

Items A-Z. MORE LANTERNS, $49.50-$900.00

Please don't make me regurgitate what I've already said. Americans LOVE lanterns. Our country was founded on them. If you don't love them too that probably means you hate America. And why would you hate America? Show some patriotic pride, why don't you?

I think Pottery Barn has made their point.

God bless this sweet sweet country we love in.

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A Toxic Relationship

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Oh guys, this comedy world kills me. In the words of my grandma, "I tell you what." I don't know what that means exactly, but she uses that phrase frequently at the end of sentences that usually involve struggle so it just felt right. You know like, "my hip has been hurting like the dickens, I tell you what." No, what Grandma?

Anyway, for as high as the highs are after a new joke does really well, or after a good improv show, the lows are just as low. Sometimes lower.

My relationship with comedy at the moment is a toxic one. Sometimes it makes me feel as bad as I've ever felt about myself, it makes me question every single thing I do. Yet I keep coming back hoping for that one moment of purely intoxicated happiness to return. I've experienced this feeling so I know it exists, but unfortunately I've also experienced its evil twin as well. Knowing you're in control of an audience and have somehow made it into their "oh you're funny and we're going to laugh at you" graces is the best. On the flip side, knowing you're not in control is the absolute worst.

For some reason as of just recently the nights of sitting at a bar alone, waiting for the list come out so I can write my name down in order to get my four minutes of time have gotten kind of tiresome. And I've barely been at this for a year. I regularly see comics who have been doing this for 5+ years, and much harder than I have.  They go out night after night after night. Bar after bar after bar. Going out every single week night just gets to be a lot sometimes. Don't any of these guys have blog posts to write I wonder? Or Harlows to snuggle with?

I guess if there's anything I've learned, it's that the world of open mics definitely isn't for the weak. But it's the moment of telling that one great joke that seems to captivate the entire room that makes it all worth it.

At least that's what I tell myself...

If you ever get the chance to go watch an open mic, I highly suggest you do. And be a kind human and laugh at the comedians you see, even if they're not funny. Chances are they're anxious and tired and nervous and just chasing a dream.

And on that note here's a few upcoming shows I have on the calendar. Come hang out! It will be fun!

The Funny Bone in Omaha- Friday, May 30th 9:45 p.m.  (I'm opening for hilarious Brad Williams)
Chicago Women's Funny Festival- Thursday, June 5th 9:00 p.m.
Crossroads Tavern in LaFayette, Colorado- Saturday, June 7th, 7:00 p.m. (this one is going to be a real blast!)
Zanies- Monday, June 16th 8:00 p.m.

That's all I've got for today. Happy humpday. The three day weekend is getting closer!

PS- I have one Saturday Spot that just became available for this weekend! Check out my rates/traffic stats here.

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Tzatziki Sauce Recipe

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

This is a Sponsored post written by me on behalf of Nature's Care for SocialSpark. All opinions are 100% mine.

Summer has officially arrived in Chicago and those little cucumber plants I planted a while back with the help of Nature’s Care natural potting soil have harvested! I feel like a regular old farmer Joe eating plants from my own garden. Harlow's not usually a vegetable kind of guy but even he enjoyed them.

I thought the cucumbers were ready earlier than expected, but that's probably because they were mostly grown inside. Or then again that could just be the power of Nature’s Care soil.

Like I said I would, I chose to make one of my favorite summer meals with the cucumbers, a light tzatziki sauce served with pita chips.

Ingredients include:
Greek Yogurt
Fresh Cucumbers
Fresh Dill
Red Wine Vinegar
Olive Oil
Feta Cheese
Greek Olives
Salt & Pepper to taste

Sometimes when I want to turn this into more of a meal I'll actually add some shredded chicken and serve inside pita pockets. It's delicious either way!

This was my first experience growing my own vegetables and thanks to Nature’s Care potting soil, it was definitely a good one! Their new product with its natural formula is truly perfect for edible gardening!

What is your favorite summer recipe to make with home grown vegetables from the garden?
Visit Sponsor's Site

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Okay, But Why?

But why does my iphone suddenly die when it still shows 30% battery left?

Okay, but why do some Mexican restaurants NOT serve free chips and salsa? We all pretty much know by now the combination of the two are cheap enough to give away.

And why does my milk have crusties on the top every time I take off the lid? Milk shouldn't have crusties. Actually nothing should have crusties.

But why do I always break the zippers on my coats and jackets?

Why can't I pour myself a cup of coffee at least once without spilling a dribble of it first on the counter?

Okay but why does my candle still look like there's some candle left but yet it refuses to burn? That's false advertising.

And why is my deli meat always a little too wet for comfort?

But why do I always drop my phone in the black hole of my car between my driver's seat and console?

Why does my DVR sometimes just continue to fast forward even though I'm clicking play and profusely screaming STOP at the TV?

Okay but why do people still ask me for directions to places? I'm just going to direct them to google.

Why does my printer ink insist on ruining my life by pretending it's always low when I JUST BOUGHT NEW INK.

Why are jars of pickles so damn hard to open?

And why does my iphone look like its been dumped in honey and then thrown under my fridge to sit for two weeks whenever I take its case off?

Why do public toilets like to spray when you least expect it?

And why does the bowl of spinach I just threw into the pan suddenly shrink down to only one leaf?

Okay but why do some of my clothes have laundry detergent spots on them? I was under the impression laundry detergent did just the opposite...

And when is my chapstick going to the beach without me?

And why does Facebook always mistake me for a boy when tagging me in photos?

Okay but why does my iphone trap apps in a place where I can't get to them?

And why do waitresses ask me "have you ever been here before" right before I'm about to order? Even if I haven't, I'm pretty familiar with the process.

And who gets to choose which food buttons appear on the microwave? Are people really microwaving potatoes that often and defrosting vegetables?

And why do I occasionally get emails from phone numbers? And why do they always intimidate me?

Okay but really though, why?

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Mondays Are Hard

Monday, May 19, 2014

Mondays are hard. And they're especially hard when it's the Monday after a really great birthday weekend. 

It's hard to tell under the ridiculous birthday hat, but Friday started off with a quick trip to the Robert Jeffrey salon to get my hair cut and colored. I got rid of those icky dark roots I was trying to pull off and opted for a nice summer blonde. Lindsey did a wonderful job and I'm so glad I didn't go Nebraska platinum blonde like my heart wanted, but instead I just added some highlights to keep things a little less trashy and a little more classy. At least for now. There's no promises for what will happen when July rolls around...

Anyway, Harlow was a total diva and the second I took off my bday hat he grabbed it and tried to destroy it. He can't stand it when anyone else gets even a little bit of attention.

The amount of food I ate this past weekend is pretty gross. But don't worry, I'll show you photos anyway.

Ice cream cake from Dairy Queen is my favorite and always will be.

 Let's just say I'm detoxing this week. And by detoxing I mean I'm only eating cereal. And maybe a few slices of left-over ice cream cake...

Thank you again for all of the birthday wishes! It was a wonderful day and an even better weekend.

And this is one of those weirdly short posts that took me about three hours to create simply because my brain isn't functioning quite normal at the moment. In other words today is obviously going to be a great day. Yuck. Is it Memorial Day yet?

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