27 Quick Ways To Decrease Blog Traffic

Thursday, January 8, 2015

Hey sillys! I got so much good response from this post "27 Quick Ways To Increase Blog Traffic," I thought I'd write a follow-up that some of you might like!

It's called 27 Quick Ways To Decrease Blog Traffic. I know so many of us have been overwhelmed with way too much traffic lately so I thought I could help out. Hope you like it!

1. Make your blog private. (This one really helps!)

2. Don't promote any of your posts, like ever.

3. Write about how awesome your life is every single day.

4. Then also complain about how terrible your awesome life is.

5. Like huge giveaways? Cool. Post one every day. Maybe even twice a day.

6. What about promoting products? Readers love to hate this. Promote something new all the time. The more it doesn't fit your blog the better.

7. Posting small grainy photos is always fun.

8. Hell, skip the photos all together. They're overrated. People love to read.

9. Speaking of, write posts that are crazy long. Like three and four pages long.

10. Post terrible tutorials.

Did someone say terrible tutorials? Check out this one I made called "47 Ways To Wear A Blanket Scarf."

11. Handwrite your posts! So vintage!

12. Post inside jokes that only you and one other person understand. So much fun!

13. Plagiarize. Everything.

14. Never respond to comments.

15. Play music on your blog that can't be shut off.

16.  Write about how you think blogging is dying and anyone who reads is dying too.

17. Post recipes and photos that you stole from another blog and credit yourself. (Very sneaky hehe.)

18. Remove yourself from every form of social media.

19. Switch to a new platform that is super hard to access and rarely works. #beunique

20. Like having someone else write your blog? Cool, have a guest post every single day.

21. Throw consistency out the window. Post once a month, or once a year, or 12 times a week. Just do you!

22. Hate everything.

23. Write your posts in a journal you keep under your bed.

24. Write your posts on a piece of turkey.

25. Write about how you despise people who eat turkey.

26. Choose terrible post titles like "27 Quick Ways To Decrease Blog Traffic."

27. Just hate your blog and everything associated with it.

Whatever you do, don't have any fun and please take this post very seriously.

Have something to add? Let me know, but don't expect me to respond.

Love you, mean it!

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  1. After #26, I'm really hoping #27 is one of the facetious ones... Ha! I'm guilty of # 8 and 9, but it's ok, it's part of my "niche." My target demographic is people who like to read a LOT and hate nasty, cluttery images getting in the way of all that sweet text.

  2. You forgot “post tons of vlogs where the links are broken.” Or better yet, “post vlogs that are actually just endless hours of footage of the inside of your house/apartment because you forgot and left the camera on when you left for work.”

    Actually kind of curious as to the mechanics of #24. I bet I could still find some post-holidays turkey on sale…

    1. Hahaha no way! Have you really seen this before?

  3. spot ON. its sad that most of these occur regularly, isn't it?

  4. I'm guilty of the image one. What can I say... only working with an iPhone until I buy a big girl camera! Whatevs #idome :)

  5. That video is the second funniest one I've seen all week!

    In case you're curious, here's number one: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ltS0G7KA7XQ

    I'm sure you'll understand.

  6. OMG Can i hug you? PLEASE? I LOVE THIS POST!

  7. Wow, this was very informative. I've been writing on pieces of turkey for a long time now. Should I switch to chicken?

  8. Have a giveaway and ask people to follow you on GFC for an entry! WTF!? Old school!

  9. "you can't see it, but you know what it looks like" the thing is, this video will probably do REALLY well. nailed it.

  10. Oh man. Dying to watch your awful tutorial but I'm at work. Can't wait to hate on it.

  11. Damn, I was considering writing a post on a turkey :( I guess I wont now.

    Haha all very funny :)

  12. I should have known better when I read this title! I really thought people liked my longform posts. Aren't those the new cool things?

  13. I have toyed with the music thing. Not really. Maybe.

    Great post!

  14. Ha ha! Is it wrong that I do all of those? Except the turkey thing. I write strictly on chicken or bacon. Mmmmm....bacon!

    Now I know why I only have my Mom following me, and she still hasn't figured out how to turn on her computer.


  15. HAHA these are great! Thanks for always making me laugh!

  16. So far I've done most of these...except the turkey.
    Texas Jak

  17. Don't post pictures of your dog.

  18. Oh man, the blanket scarf. SO MANY uses!

  19. http://bantalsilikon01.blogspot.com/2014/12/a.html



  20. My favorite way is to write in the 3rd person ALL the time! Everyone love this right?!


  21. hahahaha loved this! I've encountered so many blogs/bloggers like this. Terrible!

  22. So many of these are SO TRUE! Ugh, can we just not?

    Also, your video is AMAZING. There are already a few people I want to sent it to. Unfortunately, I don't think they would realize I'm not-so-subtley making fun of them and would instead think they are tips for how they can look even crazier...

  23. Dang. I always write my posts on a piece of turkey.

  24. Hahahha. Why are you so funny, I love it.

    Uncustomary Art.

  25. Yeah and be sure to write controversial posts on radical political beliefs, cite a few psychopaths and call them "undiscovered talent," and then don't actually publish them (since people might ACTUALLY want to read a good fiery rant) and instead feed it to your neighborhood cat. Then people will just hate your blog for promoting cruel treatment of animals. I think that'll do it!

  26. this is too funny!!! and what great advice…I was recently considering doing without photos, and really focusing on the negative…guess not! ;)

  27. I cant stop laughing! You are hilarious!!

  28. Hahaha...this is super hilarious! You made my day. Thank you!