An Apology Letter

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Dear readers,

I am very sorry that I don't know how to proofread. Honestly, I am. I know that my errors have been out of control lately- even more so than usual and I need to apologize. You deserve better than this. I promise you I try to check things over, just not good enough obviously.  Hitting publish right when I'm done is just so damn tempting. But going forward, I'm going to try harder. I'll git bedder, just weight and see!

Dear Harlow,

I'm sorry we've only been going on 2 walks per day as opposed to your normal 18. I know this makes you very angry because you actually slap me in the face with your paw, or you slap my computer, or phone, or anything you don't want in my procession. I know you're frustrated with winter. I am too. But hang in there buddy, it's going to get nicer eventually. Like in June probably.

Dear wonderful animal-loving people who purchased "I Just Want To Hang With My Dog" shirts,

You have blown my mind with your generosity. Harlow has donated more than $300 to Felines and Canines in under a month, and last week he sent dog food, flee medicine, and cleaning supplies to a shelter in New Jersey that so badly needed it. And yes, Harlow is totally bragging about this right now because he feels awesome thanks to you.

That being said, I am really sorry some of you haven't received your shirts yet, although it does say 1-2 weeks for shipping time on my site I always hope to mail a shirt the day I get an order. But I was under prepared for the amount of sales to come in + my new inventory was delayed three days due to bad weather, so for some of you it's been more than a week now and I really do apologize. A new shipment is arriving today and I will be shipping everything by the end of the day. Thank you so much for your patience!

Dear cuticles,

I'm sorry for what I did to you over the weekend. It's just so dry outside and picking you to death sounded like such a good idea (for both of us.) But it wasn't. You look disgusting and very sad. I'll leave you along for at least a few weeks, I promise.

Dear woman in the Trader Joes parking lot driving a white Mercedes,

I'm sorry that you were so upset it took me a little longer than normal to pull out of my parking spot yesterday. I really hope I didn't make you late to your manicure or your private pilates class or whatever it was you were in a very big hurry for. I'm sure it was extremely important and I will forever be haunted by the fact I kept you an extra ten seconds. #prayers

Dear Chicago,

I'm sorry for what I said last night. I didn't really mean it when I said "you're ugly and disgusting and I want to leave you forever because it's so damn cold I'm losing my mind." Nobody looks good in the winter, you know?  We'll bounce back. We're more of a summer couple anyway.

Dear Man at the open mic last night who got upset I called him out,

I'm sorry it bothered you that I embarrassed you after your set. As a host, I try to support every comic and think it's bad taste to call someone out for bad jokes. However as a woman, if a comedian begins his set by saying "I'm going to jack off to you after this," I am most definitely going to call you out. Because you can't talk to women like that. And because you're disgusting. If you don't have respect for me, I'm sure as hell not going to have it for you. You would never say anything like that to a male host because you're a coward and you think it's funny to degrade women. Guess what? It's not. Men might out number women in standup by a long shot, but for those of us women that are involved, well we're a bunch of bad bitches who don't take shit from guys like you. So get off the stage and get out of my open mic.

Dear readers,

Sorry for that rant. Last night was actually a super fun night at the open mic. It was a full house with a great crowd. And if I missed anyone I owe an apology right now- I apologize.

If you have any apologies of your own, feel free to add them below. Let it all out.

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  1. I'm going to add a few. Just because they've seriously been weighing me down and I have to confess.

    Dear stranger in the ShopRite parking lot, I'm sorry I called you a bitch when you rolled down your window and yelled at me, "I don't need an audience," when I was watching you almost crash into a parked car when trying to back in your Suburban into a tiny spot. You probably didn't deserve the name call. I cannot remember the last time I called someone a bitch to their face. I should have waited until you were out of earshot.

    Dear Bella, the cranky cat at the shelter, I'm so sorry I hit you with the brush two weeks ago when you hissed at me. I honestly didn't mean to and while I apologized, you wouldn't let me come near you afterwards and since. I feel awful. I love you - but you keep on with your cranky cat self. I'll save my hugs for Lumen ..

    which brings me to Lumen - I'm so sorry I cut your nail too short and you bled all over the place and now you're deathly afraid of the clippers. i'm also sorry that I'm taking you to the vet tomorrow so they can do it instead of me. Tomorrow is the last day we're in our apartment until we move to Eric's and I have to end it on a vet trip. I'm the worst.

    Thanks Tay, I feel better now. I'll be sure to email you next time I see typos. I just didn't want to seem crazy.

    1. I have a feeling this might turn into a fun comment day.

    2. I hope so!

      Re-reading my comment - I find it hilariously typical of me that I save my "SOOO sorry"'s for the animals. My nonchalant "eh, I'm kinda sorry" is for the actual person.

      I know you understand.

  2. I'm so glad I found your blog! You are hilarious. Also, that guy at open mic night? UGHHHHHHHHH. So glad you called his ass out.

  3. I'm with you on the "Dear Chicago" one, but I'll modify it for Dear Green Bay since that's where I'm living. This cold is driving me absolutely insane!!

  4. I'm glad I'm not the only one who gets slapped by the dog when she won't take her on the required 27 outings a day.
    Dear Bella, you spoiled rotten black lab that I let sleep in the bed and take half of it up most of the time, I'm sorry it's been so cold and I've made you wait to go outside. I know you love the cold. It's in your nature. I, on the other hand, do not. Although it is currently snowing right now in NC, I will walk you 5 times when I get home from work, I promise.
    Dear Frankie, my adorable tabby cat who demands cat treats at 4:30am by scratching on the bedroom door and meowing at the top of your lungs, I'm sorry for squirting you with my squirt gun and enjoying it. I don't think it's necessary to wake the entire house up at 4:30 because you're fat. You and your 2 kitty brothers and kitty sister are my sweethearts. But seriously, chill with the door scratching. Thanks

    Love, your human cat treat dispenser

  5. Dear Tuesday,
    It's not you. It's me. I just really wish you were Friday.
    xoxo, counting down the days

  6. Dear NJ Transit Riders, I am sorry I chose to actually ride the escalator instead of running down it yesterday. The old lady in front of me should have risked falling down the escalator with her cane so that you could run down to track 4 and get that window seat.

    Dear Lady in ShopRite, I apologize for touching your shopping cart. You see, you left it in the middle of the aisle while you looked for mustard at the other end of the aisle. I should have stood there and waited until you were finished choosing between store brand or name brand mustards.

    Big shout-out goes to the lady who was in front of me at Starbucks last week. Sorry for giving you the stink eye. I forgot that it is completely acceptable to have the barista redo your drink 3 times because you wanted your drink non-fat but didn't order it that way (I know I was behind you in line and heard your order). Then half-way through the barista making your drink the second time you decided you wanted to “treat-yo-self” so instead of non-fat milk you wanted 2%. I guess the third’s time the charm.

  7. How did I miss this shirt thing? Where can I get one?

    And my dog is walk-deprived just like Harlow right now - it's too dang cold.

    1. Her etsy store :) Happy Tuesday

  8. Dear Mother Nature,
    I'm sorry you are STILL PMS-ing, but I've had enough. Pull it together and get over yourself. Let some sunshine out to melt this damn snow so I can get back to normal life and quit being a hermit every night.
    ((wow that felt good))

  9. I'm sorry that this comment is so lame. Whoop for $300! That makes up for anything else.

  10. Ugh. That guy deserved to be called out! Good for you!

  11. Dear my Corporate Ethics professor,
    While your nasally voice gives you half the right to make God awful jokes in class, it does not make talk of an ice sculpture of David with vodka coming out the penis any more appropriate for the first day of class, or ever really. And for a wedding? Put the luge away, and put down the shots.

    Dear my hair,
    You're doing such a good job adjusting to this whole I'm-trying-not-to-shampoo-for-5-days thing. Keep it up.

    Dear new kids in my hall,
    I swear to you I am the coolest RA on the face of the planet, but lord help me if you wake me up one more time at 3 am with your wildness, I will call the cops and ship you off to Timbuktu. Or I'll just write you up.

  12. The guy at open mic- UGH gross! Good for you for calling him out! LOL at the woman at Trader Joe's! People can be so ridiculous!

  13. excuse. My Mercedes is pearl. Don't. get. it. twisted.

  14. Such great apology letters, more people need to learn how to write and apology letter

  15. Ummm the guy at the open mic tho - gross and good for you for calling him out. haha laughing at the #prayers for the woman in the parking lot!

  16. I am glad you called the guy out at the open mic, that would have pissed me off. Ugh.

  17. Haha I actually love this post. A great way to write it all up. And you're dead right to call the guy out. <3

  18. Just checked out your blog for the first time tonight! After only one post I have absolutely fallen in love with your writing style! It is so light and airy, it feels effortless and natural!
    I can't wait to check out more posts!

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