I Lie To The Doctor

Friday, March 13, 2015

"Do you drink alcohol?" The doctor asks.

"Yes," I respond, suddenly feeling shameful after I was just feeling so good for responding, "no," to the cigarette and drug question.

"About how many drinks per week?"

"Give or take 55."

I'm kidding, I don't really drink this much. (Unless it's spring break 2007, Acapulco P2B forever!) But whenever I get asked this question at the doctor's office, like I did yesterday, I'm always so tempted to respond with an answer like that. Instead I say what I always do, "about five."

It's technically true, for a boring week. I might just have a couple of glasses of wine or a few beers on the weekend and that's it. No harm, no foul. But in all reality I think this question needs to be more specific in order for me to be more specific.

For example sometimes there's nights when I sit at iO's open mic for three hours and have three beers and then go out after with friends... Like last Monday for example with Jake, Audrey, and Adrienne, and then we accidentally took a few shots and had a few more drinks afterward. On that occasion it's more than five in a night.

And then there's days like tomorrow.

The day Chicagoans from near and far will gather at the Chicago river at 8:00 a.m. to watch the river turn green(er) in honor of St. Patricks Day. Tomorrow will be a drinking day no one in Chicago will like to admit to their doctor.

Our plan is to head to a friend's apartment near the river around 9:00 a.m. I'm truthfully hoping we don't make it this early, so I'm going to do my best to shut off Chris's alarm to sabotage this plan. We're supposed to bring snacks over, so I suggested we bring Bloody Mary garnishes- meat, cheese, beef jerky, shrimp, hamburgers, whatever. If I have to drink all day there might as well be food in my drink.

And after the apartment gathering we'll head downtown to join the rest of the hooligans who have flocked to Chicago for one of the biggest St. Patricks Day celebrations in the country. I'm slightly nervous about it. I hate lines, I hate crowded bars, and I hate loud obnoxious people. Why can't everyone else just get creepily silent when they've had a bit too much to drink like I do? Creepy drunk is the best drunk.

But I'm going to do my best to be a good sport tomorrow because Chris loves this day. He loves crowded bars and drunk people running around in the street like idiots. So for him, tomorrow I will pretend to enjoy the same.

And if all goes according to my plan we'll be out by 10:00 a.m. and back at home by 2:00 p.m. anyway. Or we'll be at Au Cheval ready to devour a burger before the sun goes down like we did last year. 

Only time will tell. If you notice tomorrow that I'm on Instagram commenting on everyone's photos with a million emojis that make zero sense, you'll know I've past my limit of five drinks and I've turned into this mess.

Be safe tomorrow Chicagoland, things are about to turn green.

Are you celebrating this weekend? Or is it just Chicago getting a jump start?


  1. I did not know St. Patrick's Day was coming up. Thanks for the warning! (Time to get inside and stay inside)

    Doctors have absurd expectations. I went to the dermatologist for the first time and the doctor asked, "Have you had 3 sunburns in the last..." and I was excited because for once I was going to be able to say, "No! I've only been sunburned once this year." But then she finished her sentence, "5 years?" 5 years?! Who doesn't get at least one sunburn per year. Ridiculous!

  2. I went to the river dying a few years ago and it was awesome, but I'm with you I hate the crowded bars with stupid drunk people who are loud. I said I wasn't going out last year, but braved the cold and went so who knows if I'll end up at wrigleyville again, but enjoy those bloodys!!

  3. I'm with you, I'd like to be home back in bed by around 2pm..but the Quad Cities was #3 on that dumb list so I have a feeling that won't be happening

  4. St. Patrick's Day isn't really a big deal here. I mean, we wear green and I'm sure there are bars that serve green beer, but that's about it.

  5. St. Patrick's day is always an interesting day for me. In that, I near close to what many people drink in a couple weeks, I drink in a single day. I've always wanted to go to Chicago for St. Pat's, hopefully one year!

  6. I lie to my dentist. When they asked me if I floss three times a day, I said no (I brush and mouthwash, but rarely floss), and they glared at me like I said I killed puppies for a living. So, now I lie to them.
    And how do they dye the river? How is it temporary? I've never heard of such a thing, but now I want the Heartland of America Park in Omaha to do something similar to the lake!

  7. Every year my friends and I do a 'Choose Your Own Adventure' bar crawl in our neighborhood for St. Patty's. The only rule is no Irish bars, so we always wind up as the only patrons of random Ethiopian bars at 3pm. I definitely don't tell my doctor about this excursion.

  8. We are celebrating tomorrow here in Pittsburgh too...and it's going to be extra crazy because there is a home hockey game that night too. Lots and lots of rowdy fans + St. Patrick's Day shenanigans = chaos. Yeah, I'll be staying home and having a few with my husband. lol

  9. Hopefully I see you out tomorrow! We're starting at a friend's place in Lincoln Park at 10 a.m. It's my friend Patrick's birthday, so we're celebrating St. Patrick's Birthday! :)

  10. I have always wanted to see the river turn green! Best of luck tomorrow!

  11. Ugh so jealous. Chicago for St. Pats is my (second) fav place ever. I'm a Spartan grad so ya know...
    Anywho, already on drink 3... on a Friday... on the couch... with Netflix. And life is grand.
    Cheers from chatclinkrepeat.blogspot.com

  12. I don't stay up late, I am too old for staying up late, well by the time the night rolls around I feel too old to stay up. that said my mum who is 20 years older then me stays up later then me and gets up earlier then me damn I don't know how she does it

  13. Two things guys usually have that girls envy - nice/long eyelashes and great cuticles! My husband has better kept nails than I do and for some reason that was the first thing that caught my attention in Chris's picture too haha

  14. I'm totally celebrating this weekend but don't think the rest of my state is. Tomorrow's date night for Hubby and I so I'll be celebrating with you from my bar stool devouring shots of green apple pucker LOL

    Have a good weekend friend :)

  15. Today is parade day here in Albany, NY and it's going to be a s*** show as always. I avoid the parade at all costs but I might go out later. It's also a big day for UAlbany. They have a huge conference game this morning so i'm sure as soon as that's done all of campus is going to head out on the town to either drown their sorrows or celebrate getting into the March Madness tournament. I'll be hiding our away from the crowds.