"Yes," I respond, suddenly feeling shameful after I was just feeling so good for responding, "no," to the cigarette and drug question.
"About how many drinks per week?"
"Give or take 55."
I'm kidding, I don't really drink this much. (Unless it's spring break 2007, Acapulco P2B forever!) But whenever I get asked this question at the doctor's office, like I did yesterday, I'm always so tempted to respond with an answer like that. Instead I say what I always do, "about five."
It's technically true, for a boring week. I might just have a couple of glasses of wine or a few beers on the weekend and that's it. No harm, no foul. But in all reality I think this question needs to be more specific in order for me to be more specific.
For example sometimes there's nights when I sit at iO's open mic for three hours and have three beers and then go out after with friends... Like last Monday for example with Jake, Audrey, and Adrienne, and then we accidentally took a few shots and had a few more drinks afterward. On that occasion it's more than five in a night.
And then there's days like tomorrow.
The day Chicagoans from near and far will gather at the Chicago river at 8:00 a.m. to watch the river turn green(er) in honor of St. Patricks Day. Tomorrow will be a drinking day no one in Chicago will like to admit to their doctor.
Our plan is to head to a friend's apartment near the river around 9:00 a.m. I'm truthfully hoping we don't make it this early, so I'm going to do my best to shut off Chris's alarm to sabotage this plan. We're supposed to bring snacks over, so I suggested we bring Bloody Mary garnishes- meat, cheese, beef jerky, shrimp, hamburgers, whatever. If I have to drink all day there might as well be food in my drink.
And after the apartment gathering we'll head downtown to join the rest of the hooligans who have flocked to Chicago for one of the biggest St. Patricks Day celebrations in the country. I'm slightly nervous about it. I hate lines, I hate crowded bars, and I hate loud obnoxious people. Why can't everyone else just get creepily silent when they've had a bit too much to drink like I do? Creepy drunk is the best drunk.
But I'm going to do my best to be a good sport tomorrow because Chris loves this day. He loves crowded bars and drunk people running around in the street like idiots. So for him, tomorrow I will pretend to enjoy the same.
And if all goes according to my plan we'll be out by 10:00 a.m. and back at home by 2:00 p.m. anyway. Or we'll be at Au Cheval ready to devour a burger before the sun goes down like we did last year.
Only time will tell. If you notice tomorrow that I'm on Instagram commenting on everyone's photos with a million emojis that make zero sense, you'll know I've past my limit of five drinks and I've turned into this mess.
Be safe tomorrow Chicagoland, things are about to turn green.
Are you celebrating this weekend? Or is it just Chicago getting a jump start?