Inside A (Crazy) Woman's Mind At The Airport

Wednesday, April 15, 2015


When I travel,  I become this heightened crazy version of myself. 

Let's call her Theresa. Because I've known a lot of Theresa's in my life and they've almost all been crazy.


Theresa doesn't make her first appearance at the airport, no she likes to show up about 24 hours in advance. She's punctual like that. She swings by the day before a trip and likes to make sure everything is in order in my house (life) before we can leave. Some of her favorite activities include cleaning the fridge, organizing the junk drawer, shoving shit under beds and purging every closet. 


I inherited Travel Theresa from my mom- only on a lighter scale. (For now.) My mom's travel persona has been known to do such crazy things the night before a trip as tearing wallpaper off a wall, re-grouting the bathroom tile, and varnishing a floor. I fear I'll get to that someday, it's just a matter of time. The writing is on the wallpaper. 


The day of travel, Theresa likes to get to the airport at least two hours early. She just can't help herself.


She only carries on because she likes the added stress of rolling her suitcase through security as well as nervously wondering if there will be enough overhead bin storage when she gets on the plane. It makes her day more exciting.


She rushes to the security line and treats choosing "the right line" as if she were choosing the correct wire to disconnect a bomb. In a matter of two seconds she goes through every possibility in her head- go behind the elderly who don't carry on much but are slightly too slow? Or the busy mom with her hands full who might murder someone if you ask her to take off her belt? What about the stoned college kids who aren't sure why they're here, nor do they care.


She chooses the college kids. And of course it's the wrong choice. They can't find their IDs or their boarding passes. They might even be at the wrong airport. Rule #1 of the Airport Games- whichever line you choose, it will always the be slowest. 


And so she waits and huffs and tries not to notice the woman she was once "even with" who is now already through security and walking to the bar. 


As she passes through the metal detector without her shoes on she walks on the balls of her feet as if she's never touched a floor so dirty in her life and she's completely disgusted about it. Which is bullshit. She's walked barefoot in much dirtier places. Like down the streets of Mexico. And in the Rail bathroom in Lincoln. But for this one moment, she pretends she's a clean princess who hates taking off her shoes in public.


Once through security she goes into Olympic mode. Olympic Speed Walker mode I should say, which is a real thing, my sister tried to qualify for it one year, bless her heart. 


Never mind that Theresa is plenty early for her flight, she is in the BIGGEST RUSH EVER. If you're standing on the moving sidewalk you better move the hell over or she will plow you over. She's rude and pushy like that. Standers on the right, crazy bitches on the left. Why is this such a hard concept, people? WHY?

The only place she is rushing to is the bar. She needs a Bloody Mary to "calm her down." 


Once she has her Bloody, she's happy. But like anything in her life, this too shall pass.

While enjoying the last sips of her drink she'll suddenly panic that she heard an announcement about her flight and she'll bolt from the bar far too early. But there was never an announcement. There never is. Just crazy Theresa being crazy is all.


And so she'll go to her gate and sit and wait for her B boarding group to be called so she can board the plane with all of the other "B class" people. She'll curse Southwest in her head that she got a B boarding pass because damn it she checked in right on time. She watched her phone up until the minute and clicked "check in" right on the dot. Of course she did, she's Theresa.


It will kill her when all of the families board between A & B and she'll wish for that one moment she had kids simply for the joy of boarding early. But such is life. 


It's not until she's on board, with her suitcase safely above her, and a passenger next to her not taking up her leg or arm space, when she can finally relax.


And then the flight attendant gets on the intercom and starts to sing.


Which brings me to part 2 of this post: Dear Southwest Flight Attendant... coming next week.





24 comments:

  1. I could start worrying about overhead bin space a year in advance. People are really bad at putting things in them. And boarding is always a stressful nightmare, isn't it. No one ever wants to wait because, overhead bin space. And then you get stuck behind someone who just can't figure out how to organize their life (you only have a carry on, how much could there possibly be???) while not standing in the aisle. I'm stressing just thinking about it.

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  2. Well, doesn't that sound like a pleasant travel experience? Thank goodness for bloody marys and free blog therapy. :) I am eternally annoyed at all of the d-bags of the world who somehow think they will defy the laws of physics and fit their suitcase packed for 3 weeks in Antarctica in the overhead bins. They stand there sweating and huffing and puffing as they push and jab and rearrange someone's jacket, like that'll make a difference, and then just leave it, like the flight attendants can channel their inner houdini and make it fit. Idiots! So, clearly I have my own issues.

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  3. Cracking up. I can so relate...

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  4. I can't wait for Part II. Some of these things I can relate to, such as getting to the airport very early. But, substitute Nuts On Clark, or equivalent caramel-corn vendor, for the bar.

    Rule #1 is also called Etoile's Observation, by the way :)

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  5. This could be a skit. I would watch. :)

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  6. Ohhhhh Teresa! I look forward to running into you at the airport in December! "Nervous wreck Lisa" will be looking for you at the bar!

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  7. I HATE flying and airports give me major anxiety, so I totally get this!

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  8. Haha this is so the opposite of me while flying, weirdly the airport is the only time that I'm not a neurotic super early crazy person. I love that you at least have Bloody Marys to ease your crazy traveler's soul! (:

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  9. BUT THE MOVING SIDEWALK. I won't hesitate to knock you down. especially in the Charlotte airport where I ALWAYS have a layover + have to get from one side of the airport to the other. I like to refer to my travel personality as Karen. because she's that friend that nobody likes.

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  10. Hi Teresa, meet Helen! I'm Hailey's travel alter-ego who shares your paranoid pre-travel routine, including doing 5 loads of laundry so that in the event that Hailey doesn't return from her trip, her grieving husband isn't stuck with his dead wife's dirty laundry. Morbid and totally insane. I know. Also, let's talk more about the singing Southwest flight attendants. They're everywhere.

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  11. Or when you land and the row in front of you forgets it's time to get off the plane and takes their SWEET time packing up all of their things?...ugh nothing annoys me more. You knew this was coming, you knew the plane was landing. Get ready to get off the plane!

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  12. I have never realized so much about myself while reading someone else's blog post! This is 100%, out of the park, to a T - ME! Especially getting overly dramatic about the people she was "even with" being ahead of her. Obviously the only logical next step is to change lines, which will then slow down because Forgetful Franny up at the front "forgot" you carry nail clippers! The madness never stops!

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  14. This is 100% me and my boyfriend's psychotic mom is named Theresa. Nailed it.

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  15. I can't really relate because I'm decently calm while traveling, but I enjoyed reading this! You're hilarious and I can't wait to hear about the singing flight attendant!

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  16. If your travel person is Theresa and your moms is even worse what's her moniker?

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  17. I'm ALL ABOUT getting to the airport AT LEAST 2 hours early before a flight. Because I am convinced that if I don't, I will get stuck in an unbelievably long security line and be totally screwed. I've shown up to the airport 4 hours early for an international flight because I was totally paranoid.

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  18. baaaaha this is so accurate. i am still working on what my alter-egos name for when i travel needs to be. something like "anxious angelica" or something. she is similar to theresa in many ways, except she likes to get to the aiport 3 hours earlier.

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  19. Your posts always give me such a great laugh. I LOVE IT!!!!!! Aaaannnd I'm so relieved that I'm not the only one that goes full on mental while traveling haha
    --Tayler

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  20. You should have called here Jo-Anne, because this is me to a T

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  21. I loved this! I laughed so hard when reading through it because I'm the same exact way when I'm traveling! I can't wait to read part two!

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  22. wait but how did you get inside my head though

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  23. I was Theresa last Saturday at the Grand Cayman airport. Husband had to hold me back from decking the loud mouth dad who insisted his 6 children under 10 needed ALL the overhead space then told me to let two of his rug rats budge in from of me in the restroom line because of their "small bladders" Hello, I have a bladder the size of a peanut!! It's people like that that force me to purchase plane merlot. Lol
    Great post!!

    livingoncloudandreanine.blogspot.com

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