The Windy Shitty

Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Yesterday wasn't my best day.

A series of unfortunate events happened one by one through out the entire day. Granted they were all very trivial in their own way, but by the time Chris came home from work he found me sprawled out on the living rug screaming "Why won't you work? Just work printer, work! It's your job!" I might have had tears of frustration in my eyes.

If any of you own a DYMO label printer then you have a similar idea of what it's like to work with one of Satan's children. But I won't bash a product online, that's just not me... but don't ever buy this printer.

But the worst of it happened earlier in the day. I'm nervous to talk about it just in case the victim's parent happens to be reading. But here it goes.

It was around 5:35 p.m. when Harlow started slapping me in the face announcing that it was time for his early evening walk. And so we headed outside. Yesterday was a super windy day, like the type of wind that knocks over trash cans and sends shit flying through the air... wait for it.

We're a few blocks away from our house, fighting our way through the hustle and bustle of post 5 p.m. walkers when Harlow starts sniffing the ground furiously and turning in circles like a mad man. His poop dance if you will.

I pick up after him no less than four times a day, so I typically don't have much shame in this category. However yesterday felt extra busy and I hate being judged by people when they walk by and watch me scoop up my dog's stuff. Especially young children. And yesterday there were kids everywhere. I  just can't handle the judgement in their eyes.

There happened to be this one kid on a tiny little scooter who started going really slow as he passed me. He looked like a miniature Scott Disick with a popped collar and white leather boat shoes meant for a sixty year old on a yacht. He watched me as I shamefully hunched over to pick up after Harlow and the look of disgust was smeared across his face. Lincoln Park children are the worst. They know that even at six years old they're already better off than me.

So I picked it up as fast as I could and rather than tying the Target bag full of feces shut like I normally do, I just loosely held the bag while I went in search of a dumpster. And then the wind started up.

At this point I'm holding on just by one handle, so the other handle is starting to gain some momentum. Kind of like a parachute. A parachute of shit.

The next thing I know the wind whips the bag inside out and the shit is no longer inside the bag. Where did it go?

Where

did

it

go?

And that's when I saw the back of Scott Disick's khaki pants that were now decorated with brown spots of confetti. Harlow confetti.

So I ran. We ran all the way home. I didn't wait around to see if the kid knew what happened, or if his mom knew, the only thing that mattered was that I knew. And I knew that at some point little Scott would notice there was shit all over his pants and he'd have that moment of panic and insecurity when he thought just for an instant, wait did I shit my pants....

And that's the tale of the Windy Shitty.

47 comments:

  1. oh my god. Dying. you can not be serious!

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  2. Oh my gosh, you are killing it with your stories lately. Harlow knew what he was doing to that little Disick kid.

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  3. OMG I'm dying. That's amazing. You need to go back and comment on your embarrassing post from yesterday with this story because I think it just beat them all.

    iamkelskels.blogspot.com

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  4. Haha, this story just made my day ha!

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  5. HILARIOUS! I'm sure it was embarrassing, but man, this made my morning:) Maybe it will teach the kid not to pop his collar:)

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  6. I'm laughing hysterically!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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  7. I would have laughed so hard and would have died from running so fast back home!

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  8. That is the most amazing story!

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  9. LOL! I am absolutely dying! I know for sure I would cry if that happened to me, but running was definitely the best course of action :)

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  10. Hysterical! The adventures you and Harlow have are classic!

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  11. This is magical. Just magical.

    www.kristajacobs.blogspot.com

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  12. HAHAHA omg, that is hilarious, but I would have been embarrassed too!

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  13. this is the best story I have heard all week

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  14. Way to go, Harlow!! Hahahahaha doesn't Windy City karma make you love her even more?

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  15. Can you imagine the horror and embarrassment she must have felt all day at the thought of someone seeing her precious prestigious son had poop on his freshly pressed Brooks Brothers baby khakis?! This is hilarious!

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  16. BAHAHA! I am so sorry this happened to you, but oh ma lawd this is hilarious.

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  17. haha this is amazing. well deserved I say. I hope it got on his shoes too.

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  18. Oh my gosh! Hilarious. I agree about the Lincoln Park children are the worst thoughts!

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  19. HAHAHAHAHAHA oh wow dying laughing! Classic story!

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  20. I am having one of the worst days today. the kind of day where you feel like you're never going to laugh again. then i read this post...and laughed my ass off. thank you

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  22. Thank you so much for this, although my sides do now hurt!!

    Anya x

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  23. Ok, so maybe this will brighten your day (although that story is hilarious). So yesterday I went to Felines and Canines and adopted my very own rescue pup! On the application, it asks "how did you hear about us?" so I wrote your name down. The adoption counselor asks me so who is Taylor? A friend of yours, or.... So I was forced to admit that I in fact do not actually know you, but I do read your blog. I told her about your shirts and donation, though, and she was touched and told me to tell you thank you :) And you were right, that place is amazing! So thanks for the recommendation.

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    1. TINA! That's so awesome!!! I am jealous and I want to know all about your pup. I haven't been able to get in there to walk dogs in a few weeks and I am dying to get back. Do they have a lot in right now? Tell me everything. I'm going to look for you on their Facebook page :)

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    2. We got this cutie named Wade. He's getting neutered as we speak so we don't get him until tomorrow! I seriously cannot wait. They haven't posted our picture yet and I keep waiting with bated breath, haha. They had a bunch of dogs there, all from a high kill shelter in Kentucky. There were so many sweet dogs... hard to pick just one!

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  25. That's great! Your story made my day!

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  26. I can just picture the little kid and your face and Harlow's. Thanks for that. Totally made my day. When I moved to Chicago, someone recommended your blog to me and I am SO glad they did. I'd thank them but I don't remember who it was. Bygones.

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  27. I never comment- I am one of those bloglovin lurkers lol but hands down you made my day with your post!

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  28. This is a great story and to quote you from yesterday to someone who had sent in one of those embarrassing stories.... "If you do stand-up you need to include this in your set".....so yes, Taylor....include this.... :)

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  29. ahahahahah i'm dying! That poor kid but I guess that's what he deserves for giving you those shitty (haha) looks!

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  30. This is the best story EVER!!!! I'm laughing so hard! This is something that would happen to me, for sure!

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  31. And that's what 6 year olds get for popped collars and yacht shoes. So funny!

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  32. Oh my goodness. I hate to say a little kid deserved to be covered with surprise dog shit but the description of a miniature Scott Disick is enough or me to think that might be so. You really can't make this stuff up.

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  33. No way did that happen! That is frickin' hilarious! Mini-Scott had it coming with his stupid lil white old man shoes & such. Ha, ha!

    Mandie ~ http://badbrewpack.blogspot.com/

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  34. I know I should feel bad because it was a kid, but the fact that you described him as a mini-Scott Disick took away any of those feelings. (Somehow I didn't think you'd top the embarrassing doctor story, somehow you did.)

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