The Seven Stages of Grief- when trying on jean shorts for the first time of the season

Thursday, June 4, 2015

It's been a long spring. Thus the delay of that one moment that causes me fear and anxiety at the start of every new summer: the first time I put on jean shorts for the season.

How I think I'm going to look:

How I actually look:


And now I bring you: The Seven Stages of Grief- when trying on jean shorts.

Shock and Denial.

Something doesn't feel right here... These can't be the jean shorts I lived in last summer. They just can't be. Last summer they were cute and fit great, maybe even a little loose. Now they're gross and tight. These must be the wrong the pair.

Furthermore, these can't be my legs either. My legs are tan and tone. I don't know who these pale hairy tree stumps belong to, but they're not mine. I'd like my model legs back please.

Pain and Guilt.

I knew I should have worked out over the winter. But holy shit, it was a long winter! What was I supposed to do? Join a gym? Okay yea, I should have joined a gym.

These hurt my thighs. They're gripping too tight. I feel claustrophobic.

The waistband is actually leaving a mark. Is wedgie a good look right now? Because if I pull these shorts up just a little higher, they kinda fit. And they also hurt more. Can you get hemorrhoids from jean shorts that are too small? Asking for a friend. A friend named Hemorrhoid.

Anger and Bargaining.

Jean shorts are STUPID anyway. Why are we sill wearing them? Remember back in the early 2000s? Nobody wore them. We made fun of them. We called them jorts, but not in a funny way. Let's bring back loose fitting capri pants. Anyone? Anyone? What about cargo shorts? Now THOSE are fun! All the pockets! Know what I could put in all those pockets? These stupid tiny jean shorts!

Depression and Loneliness.

Everybody can pull off jean shirts except me. Literally every single person in this world looks cute in jorts BUT me. It's fine. Such is a life. I'm a loser. No one likes me. I'm destined for a life of solitude without jean shorts. I'll just go live in a hole.

Upward Turn.

A hole. Wait a second. Maybe if I just cut another hole in these near the thigh they might fit? Shitty looking holy covered distressed jean shorts are very in right now.

And is that self-tanner I see hiding in my bathroom? The lid might be stuck shut from the brown goo coating it, but hey it probably still works. If not I'll just go roll in brown sugar. That'll make my skin shine!

Working Through.

I'm going to make it. If I do enough squats in these shorts they might really fit.

Acceptance and Hope.

This is okay. Summer is finally here and I have every right to wear these jean shorts. I thought people might stare and point at my glowing winter legs out of hiding for the first time in ten months, but maybe it's all in my head?

Maybe tomorrow I'll go get a pair of high waisted shorts and let my butt cheeks free fall like all the cool young girls are doing now. Why not? Free the cheeks!

*Free the cheeks. Unless you're very modest like me and get uncomfortable at the thought of strangers looking at your cheeks. Like I always say, just do you!

20 comments:

  1. Too funny! I feel the same way about white jeans!

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  2. Oh man I ate waaay too much over this past weekend and I'm currently feeling like this about every item of clothing I own.

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  3. I was literally just wine-ing about this the other day. Shorts should have the ability to grow with you. This is also the reason I opt for dresses a lot; *cue no pants dance*
    xxcheers, Meag

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  4. Completely relating to this post this morning

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  5. I'm in the pain and guilt stage...Looks like I've got a long way to go...hoping to work through it on the stairmaster...or maybe drinking a vodka and lemonade to just forget the whole thing ;)

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  6. Haha this had me cracking up. I've given up on all of my jean shorts. Try again next year, ha!

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  7. haha free the cheeks. why are shorts getting shorter every damn year?? but i am a jorts fan, forever. Im in the working through also known as yolo phase.

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  8. Ugh jean shorts! I love them and hate them at the same time! I have definitely been through this process!

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  9. Hahahaha this post is so accurate! I think, "why did I ever think it was ok to eat a whole pack of Oreos in a week??"

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  10. I cannot pull off jean shorts because I look like the after picture above. They look so cute on everyone though! Ah summer...

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  11. Look, I am super fit, a HUGE runner. I've been laid up all week with strep so I haven't been able to work out. I stepped on the scale this morning. O. M. G. I can't.

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  12. And this is one of the many reasons I wear shorts that go to my knees.

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  13. bahhahahahahahaha.
    3 weeks postpartum I am not getting in to jean shorts ANYTIME soon! :)

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  14. Oof, I put my shorts (that were way too big last year) on a few weeks ago and quickly put myself on a diet.

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  15. So hilarious! You just described how I feel about trying on shorts right before summer!

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