How To Pretend You Fit In At A Music Festival

Thursday, July 30, 2015

This weekend is Lollapalooza. And so I will be forced with the task of playing my greatest character yet, and that is a girl who enjoys Lollapalooza...

Jk (Chris!) I do like a good concert festival, you know for like an hour or two. And then after that hour or two my mind starts to wonder. Mostly about my dog. I wonder what he's doing. If he's on the couch. Or sleeping. Or sleeping on the couch. And then I think about how much I'd like to be hanging out on the couch with my dog. Away from 90,000 teenagers on drugs with butt cheeks hanging out of their shorts because I'm a pervert and when I see butt cheeks I have to stare. I'm aware I have my own butt cheeks, but for some reason when I see stranger butt cheeks I have to look. I can't help it.

But let's get on with today's post.

When entering the concert do not point out people you can tell are visibly sneaking in alcohol. This is frowned upon. The same goes for mysterious little baggies peaking out of their pockets. Simply mind your own business and move on.

Once inside don't complain that there's too many people there, or too many teenagers for that matter. In fact, don't complain at all. Concert go-ers don't like complainers. They're there to have a good time. You should do the same.

Try to wear something cool and hip. I suggest you go to Urban Outfitters and pick out two things from the .99 cent bin, with your eyes closed. At a concert the worse your outfit looks, the cooler you are.

Just look at Chris's outfit for example. This guy gives zero f*#ks at a festival. Especially at Lolla because it always falls on his birthday.

If someone says, "which bands are you going to see today?" and you're not sure how to answer because you don't actually know the names of any bands, simply respond with an adjective followed by the name of your childhood dog. For example,

"Plastic Daisy."

Nobody will question you, especially if you finish the sentence with, "He's a new DJ, kind of underground still, you know."

Not only will they believe you, you're also now cooler than them because you know of a DJ they don't.

Whichever band is most popular for the day, DO NOT GO TO THEM. It's way too mainstream. Instead spend your time listening to the man playing a flute under the tree for an extra hour. He's the real reason you paid $175 for a ticket.

If for some reason you get lost and end up on your own feeling awkward, don't panic. Simply start waving your hands in the air and twirling in slow circles while your eyes are closed. Nobody will bat an eye at this behavior and you will fit right in.

If you smell marijuana do not shout "I smell marijuana!" Simply smell it and move on. There is probably someone with a medical condition near by.

In fact, let's go over an entire list of things you shouldn't say:

Can I sit down?
Why is this music so loud?
Do you think that kid is on drugs?
My ears are going to be ringing for a week.
How much longer do we have to stay?
I'm sorry, but I don't think this is music. It's just weird computer noises put together.
Did you ever see NSYNC live? Now that was a good concert.
Oh great, an encore? Ughhh.
Where are all of these kids parents?
Do you think that girl knows she's covered in mud?
Do you like Jimmy Buffet?
There is no way that kid is 21.
I wonder if they make sound proof ear muffs for adults.
Did you know Miley Cyrus does Molly?
I'm actually a little sleepy at the moment.
They let people smoke in here? Gross!
Oh no, my shoe got a spot of dirt on it.
I can't see anything! Sir, will you please duck down?
I wish Harlow was here right now.

Now go enjoy Lolla you crazy kids! I'll be the grandma in the back sitting in my bag chair reading a Nicholas Sparks novel.


  1. ...but really, NSYNC concerts were the shit.

  2. Haha I would probably say all of the above, at least once!

  3. michael and chris would get along swell. I'm always like... should I wear more rings? michael- no one cares helene.

  4. Haha love the post! I have so many things to keep in mind at the next concert I attend!

  5. Heehee I love all of this.

    My sister like to play a game of Who Can Wear the Most Trends at One Time? Festival goers are given one point for each trend. It helps pass the time when that Nicholas Sparks novel gets slow. ;)

  6. Yeah...this is precisely why I am not a music festival goer. I become a seriously annoying old grandma!

  7. Lol! This would be me. I went to one 3 day music festival and that was enough for me. I'll enjoy my music privately, at home, or in my earbuds, turned down to a moderate volume that will not damage my eardrums.

  8. Haha this is great! I'll have to keep this in mind when I go to ACL again in October as a (gasp!) 30-year-old! I'll definitely be thinking some of the things I'm not allowed to say. You did miss the part where you see a topless girl on drugs walking by...or is that just Austin??

  9. I am 100% in the same boat as you when it comes to festivals. Went to Spring Awakening at Soldier Field this summer and wanted to know why everyone was in line for water.

  10. I must be getting old...I have never actually been to a music festival because yeah...don't see the appeal of everyone crowding to one main stage because everyone else is a filler. And I yeah I agree. Seeing girls half my age walking around in skimpy thanks. When did hippie baby prostitute become a trend? I'll take N'Sync any day.

  11. You are hilarious! I think I may be getting old because hey ... the thought of this made me sleepy ha!

  12. NSYNC was my first concert! And it WAS good!

    I haven't been to Lolla since I was 17. That was before they moved it downtown. I really just don't think I can handle it now. #30yearoldgrandma

  13. The only time I attended a music festival was for one concert-- Reel Big Fish at Dillo Day at Northwestern in 2013.

    Additionally, you're not alone in having certain features (e.g. butt cheeks) distract your visual attention. Same thing happens to me when people are wearing "loud" leggings.

  14. I won a contest, so I was at Lollapalooza for all of the 3 days. If I wasn't in VIP, I don't think I could do it. I'm not a fan of sweating with thousands of people in the heat. The people watching is amazing though.