The Minnesota Dentist

Tuesday, July 28, 2015

To Whom It May Concern:

I'd like to apply for a hunting license and I'm not sure how to do it.

I have one specific game in mind and I'm willing to pay whatever it takes to obtain the right license. (I think I could crowd source this pretty easily.) I'm a good-intentioned hunter, so I'd like to do it legally of course.

The particular game I'm after is a "Generic Minnesota Dentist Who Likes To Pay Top Dollar To Kill Exotic Animals To Make Him Feel Like He's A Big Man And Can Take Whatever The Hell He Wants In This Life Because He Is A Garbage Person."

Have you heard of this breed?

I know he has young ones, so I'm not going to hurt him that bad. I'm not that big of a monster! I ran over a squirrel once and it still haunts me. I would just like to shoot him a few times with a bow and arrow. Maybe in the knee caps or something? He may feel some pain, but that's what happens in "sport." I know, I know, I'm sounding kind of cruel, but I'm just dying to get a great selfie next to him to hang up in my big game room.

My plan is to lure him out during the middle of night and then attack him when he least he expects it. I'll probably have a crew of people with me, so really he has no chance to fight back, but we'll be humane about it.

Like I said, I'll have a permit!

I'm not doing this because I'm a bad person. It's all for sport. It keeps me active, what can I say! I do this because I appreciate the breed. Minnesota dentists are so majestic I can't help myself.

And it's for Cecil.


Cecil the 13 year-old-lion who was known for being incredibly pleasant around people in Zimbabwe. Who attracted tourists from all over trying to catch a glimpse of such a beautiful and kind natured animal. Who had six cubs, all of which are basically guaranteed to die now.

Cecil the lion who minded his own business, in a "safe park" until he was lured away with bait one evening by the breed of a Minnesota Dentist. See what Cecil didn't realize is that he had a $55,000 price tag on his head.

That price tag almost makes me laugh in a sad demonic way when I foolishly feel proud of my efforts for donating $2,000 to help animals via the shirts I sell. $2000 is nothing compared to $55,000.

We live in a world where humans and animals alike are struggling to survive on a daily basis and yet we have Minnesota Dentists who spend hundreds of thousands to kill innocent creatures so they can take a selfie and hang a detached head in their man cave.

I just don't get it.

Some people say the internet is going "way too crazy" on said Minnesota man. He didn't know he was killing beloved Cecil after all! He meant to kill a different lion! A lion that wouldn't get him in so much trouble, just like all of the other animals he's killed over the years. C'mon, guys.

But we all know how the internet works, in about two days everyone will have moved on to something else. Which is interesting, because that's almost the exact amount of time Cecil suffered for. He was shot with a bow and arrow and managed to cling to life for forty more hours until the hunters found him and beheaded him. And then took a selfie of course.

So in two days everyone might be over this. But Cecil will still be dead.


All that being said, maybe we shouldn't be so hard on the Minnesota Dentist. He's killed exotic animals before and was never in this much shit for it. He's just doing what he loves.

(Photo above isn't Cecil, just another conquest is all.)

34 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. I second that. And I will pay all the money to get you this license.
      (Side note - where did a dentist get $55k+ to throw away on big game hunting? In all seriousness. I may be in the wrong profession.)

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  2. I want to run my mouth so bad here, using every single curse word I can think of to describe this miserable waste of oxygen and carbon of a person, but I don't want to increase your SEO on the myriad of colorful four-letter-words on the tip of my tongue.

    I'll just say .. My father is a dentist. This #)$#($@) person is a sorry excuse for dentists everywhere. for Americans everywhere. For HUMANS EVERYWHERE.

    I would have no problem committing first degree murder on this individual. No problem at all.

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  3. This makes me so angry!! I just have no words to describe my anger on this subject! Have you read this article before?
    http://www.buzzfeed.com/mjs538/dont-forget-that-killing-a-lion-is-the-most-cowardly-thing-y?bffb&utm_term=4ldqpgp#.xdJ6kgbg2
    I read it the last time this guy posted it when that girl from Texas thought she was a big shot hunter as well.

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  4. This whole thing has me so sad! It's just awful!

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  5. I totally agree with your sentiment here. It's just sad that it took the killing of Cecil, a beloved lion, to get people to pay attention to the other big game that are killed every day.

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  6. It just leaves knots in your stomach, the kind where you have to quickly scroll and pretend you saw nothing because if you linger too long on them it will just be too much to handle.

    What a sad human. A sad, pathetic human.

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  7. Set up a GoFundMe and I'll donate! This makes me sick. What a horrible, horrible person. I just can't even comprehend how you could do that. You couldn't PAY ME $55,000 to do that...and this guy paid that much. Ugh I'm too angry to form any more words.

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    Replies
    1. This!!!! I could really, really use $55,000 (hello student debt) but I would REFUSE it without a second thought if I was told I could have it if I did something like this. Nope. Nope. Nope. Makes me so sad.

      -Kate
      www.theflorkens.com

      Delete
  8. this makes me sick to my stomach. i feel like i could cry looking at the picture. who cares if he has little ones, let's mess him up.

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  9. this story breaks my heart and makes me sick all at the same time

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  10. Wow, that really just made me mad. What a sick f*ck! I mean, that smile? Obviously he is some kind of crazy person. I put these kind of people right up there with serial killers honestly. Something is very, very wrong in the brain. Thanks for sharing this. I usually avoid hearing stories like this because, ignorance is bliss in my opinion, (i'm the worst I know) but this needs to be spread.

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  11. I read this earlier and thought ''this can't be true why would someone do that''and then I actually realised it was from a legitimate site and it was true. It makes me angry and makes me so sick, killing animals is never okay. I owuld definitely pay for you to have that licence maybe we should start up a go fund me page for you. He didn't think twice about Cecils children so don't worry about his kids (I mean that in the nicest way possible obviously I don't want nothing bad to happen)

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  12. I almost cried reading this today in my office. I don't get the hunting and taking pics with dead animals for sport thing... Poor Cecil. Makes me sick. People fucking suck monkey balls.

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  13. This is really upsetting and really frustrating.. But it's also frustrating to see people who eat meat get so upset over one animal when billions are tortured/murdered for food all of the time. Eating less animals doesn't only save animals' lives, it also helps the planet! Just my two cents.. :)

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  14. Every time one of these stories pops up online, it breaks my heart and I feel sick to my stomach. I just cannot, cannot, cannot understand big game hunting. (I also struggle daily with eating meat/cheese/etc, but that's another story for another day.)

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  15. So, so sad!! Let me know when you have your hunting trip! I'll join you!!

    Seriously though, the dude claims he didn't know the lion was famous. How in the hell do you not know? Surely the guide would have told him! What a douche canoe!

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  16. People who choose "hobbies" like this I will truly never understand. I do not understand hunting for sport and honestly don't wish to exert any effort to try to understand. It is absolutely revolting. I don't care if he "meant to" or not..he still went with the desire to kill a lion..be it Cecil or some other innocent creature. Because of dumb asses like this our grandchildren will probably only know about animals such as this from books. There's a special place in hell for people like this.

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  17. I'm too sad and angry to even have a response here, but I'll go hunt the dentist with you!

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  18. He's a jackass. I watched Jimmy Kimmel talk about it earlier and lost my shit at work. RIP Cecil :(

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  19. I would love to join you on the hunt. I will get whatever papers I need to do so legally.

    But yea, that guy is a complete & total a-hole & he needs to learn a thing or two. Grrr!

    Mandie ~ http://badbrewpack.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
  20. I can't stop thinking about this. People are so cruel to animals and it makes me sick!

    ReplyDelete
  21. Are you a vegetarian? If not, then clearly you don't value the lives of chickens or cows. Why is it OK for them to be killed, but not a lion? And what about the thousands of deer, elk, birds, etc that are hunted in the U.S.? I haven't seen any uproar over that lately. Why are some animals valued more than others? Yes I think it's sad that the lion was killed, but I am willing to believe that the dentist was trusting his guides to follow the laws, and they didn't, and now he is getting all of the blame. It's very sad and unfortunate that Cecil lost his life, but I don't understand why everyone is freaking out as much as they are, when hunting is a popular hobby that happens everyday. If you don't like hunting, then take a stand against hunting, don't blame one dentist.

    Also, people can spend their money how they want. Do you not think it's OK for people to have boats or do crafts or go on vacations? We live in a free country where people can do what they please with their money, we don't HAVE to donate all our excess to charity.

    Not being a hater on you, just showing a different point of view.

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  22. Yes, I agree that this is sad if it was a beloved lion in the community. But, who were the guides??!! They are the ones responsible for helping the hunter track the correct animals. My husband hunts. I did not grow up around hunters (Austin = tree-hugging hippies) so I had your point of view, too. But hunters are very good conversationalists IF they hunt correctly.

    "Prior to the turn of the twentieth century, there were few laws or regulations imposed on hunting wild animals in this country. All species could be harvested at any time of the year...By the late 1800's many areas were seeing rapid decline in the numbers of big game such as bison, elk, and white tailed deer. Concern over these extirpations led to the enactment of laws to protect game by limiting hunting and eliminated predators. State game wardens were given the task of enforcing these laws." http://kanat.jsc.vsc.edu/student/coreyd/History.htm

    Hunters put laws in place for themselves to help build the numbers in white tailed deer and other animals. So even if you don't agree with hunting in general, it's good to acknowledge that responsible hunters follow the law and actually help animals survive as a species. My husband & I do eat all the meat he harvests. It doesn't go to waste. I'd much rather know where my meat comes from than eat unhealthy hormone filled meat.

    ReplyDelete
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