Where I'm At Mentally Right Now

Thursday, September 3, 2015


Just to give you an idea of where I'm at mentally right now I almost started crying in pilates class yesterday.

So I'm doing okay.

It happened during the plank. Is that an emotional time for anyone else? We were supposed to hold it for two minutes, on a pilates reformer board no less. I don't know about you, but holding a plank for two minutes is hard for me. It's really hard.

One minute had passed and my arms were shaking bad. My face was beat red and I was clenching everything on my body that could be clenched. Things were hurting that weren't supposed to hurt and I wanted to cave so bad. Just come down, I told myself. It's not that big of a deal, just take a break.

And then the instructor (whom I actually really enjoy) started shouting at us, Don't give up! Don't quit on me now. You can do this. Do not give up. You have to finish what you start. You are in control. This is your life. 

But I didn't feel in control as every muscle on my body started to shake. I wanted to quit so bad.

But for some reason the instructor's words hit me just right and it wasn't just about the plank anymore. I was thinking about everything I've started and just quit. About all of the books I've tried to write, projects and screenplays that never got finished, about every single goal I've set for myself that I just gave up on when things got even a little bit difficult.

Don't be a quitter! I could hear every coach, teacher, and mentor I've ever had shouting in my ear. You're always a quitter and always will be...  The other voice whispered back.

So for the last ten seconds I fought hard, to the point where sweat was dripping down my face and I was making weird grunting noises I hoped no one else could hear, and then out of nowhere the tears came. It was a weird mix of frustration and disappointment and pain for all of the failure I've willingly endured up until this point. If I had been alone, I would have let them all fall down my face. But I managed to hold back.

And then when the instructor announced we were done I damn near collapsed on my stomach, amazed I had done it, and I looked around the room expecting to see everyone else as moved by this spiritual, physical and mental journey we had all just been on for two minutes, but much to my surprise, no one was.

Everyone else was just in a pilates class. Doing a plank. Like we always do.

So like I said, I'm doing okay.

Having a weird mental breakthrough/breakdown during a plank is normal, right? Maybe it's why people workout, I don't know.

That's the thing, I really don't know what happened.

But if I had to guess, I would say it's a mix of stress, not sleeping much, anxiety, and a little more stress. Basically what we call life.

I know I'm "going through something" when I pause writing a blog post to watch a three minute video montage of humans saving animals and absolutely lose it- which happened just now. I'm a mess. That baby deer crying? I can't. Too much.

TOO. MUCH.

What a perfect time for a three day weekend. And a getaway back to the land of college life. Lincoln, Nebraska, I'm coming for you. See you soon, old college bars. See you soon.



28 comments:

  1. Oh my gosh I know exactly what video you're talking about and I cried for 10 minutes straight! The baby deer just ripped my little heart out I couldn't handle it! I feel like I'm kind of going through something to you as I've been breaking out into tears over the smallest things and feeling the same way that you seem to be feeling that I've always quit when I got hard and never actually finished anything… It feels like a change is coming...

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  2. I KNOW THAT VIDEO and I saw it today and I had to stop after the dog and the python and I just couldn't take it.

    And yes, I had a catharsis after a yoga class lately. And a few years ago I broke down crying during the middle of a professional relaxation deep tissue massage. Like, hysterics.

    I feel like at this time of my life, I'm supposed to be somewhere much higher-up than I am. Like I should be better at things than I am. For a LOT of things. and it makes me sad.

    Right there with you, girl.

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    1. And you know what rocks? YOU FINSHED THE PLANK. YOU DID IT!!! YOU DIDNT GIVE UP!!!

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  3. I have totally been there during a workout! Sometimes the main reason I work out is because I'm stressed or frustrated and usually those are the time the tears come as I'm doing a particularly hard move (like plank or burpees!) or running through my neighborhood. My neighbors totally don't think I'm crazy. At ALL. ;)

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  4. Right there with you - yesterday I was in the car going to rehearsal, after a ten hour day at work, and I was like, "I can't cry! It would expend too much energy." I'm glad this moment in my life isn't going to be forever, but when it feels like your whole life it about holding the plank, it gets tough to keep it in perspective.

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  5. I cry and give into the evils of the plank within 20 seconds. I feel like Batman can't even plank for 2 minutes. (I mean, he's a superhero because he's rich, not because of toxic goo, so that was a bad example...) But go you!!

    I broke down at lunch today. I tend to curl up on my bed with my childhood stuffed bunny rabbit and my smaller dog sits beside me with his paw on my arm. It's a tender moment, usually inspired by a credit card bill or empty refrigerator.

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  6. Girl I left the country because I was in such a weird mental state. I've been reading a lot and highly recommend Eckhart Tolle and Brene Brown books. They are life changing.

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  7. "Physiologically, it is: Exercise releases endorphins, which interact with serotonin and dopamine, the chemicals that impact mood. In yoga, deep hip openers – like the “pigeon pose” – are meant to stir emotions (yogis believe our emotional baggage lives in our hips)"
    -- I have to wonder if Plank is one of those poses that causes emotional stirrings!

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    1. http://time.com/3525030/women-yoga-exercise-classes-soulcycle/

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  8. Those darn workout teachers nearly always get me to this point-- whenever they say "TEN more seconds, you can do anything for ten more seconds" I always think that I can, then they keep doing it and keep doing it and I'm burnt out! Great job for making it past the 2 min plank and taking that little lesson away, you go girl!

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  9. Have a great weekend! Things may be rough, but you can do it!! :D

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  10. A two minute plank makes me cry too, but for different reasons-Like the fact that I have to do a plank for two minutes. You go girl. I'm a car crier. I save all my tears of frustration for the car...which I'm pretty sure is the exact opposite of what they teach in driver's ed.

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  11. Oh man. After almost 5 years in event planning I have had multiple times of near-breakdowns. This is when my boss has to tell me to take time for myself. I've actually become more of an introvert because I'm so freaking exhausted in every way that being social with friends makes me tired when it used to give me energy :(
    Supposedly stress can cause mental illness and I'm NOT surprised! I'm proud of you for taking time to workout since it helps relieve stress! You're not alone!

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  12. You don't even want to know the amount of corgi videos I have watched as distraction only to find myself bawling.

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  13. If you're not crying during Pilates, you're not doing it right.

    Ps. Congrats on your new adventure. Seriously, shits awesome. I love seeing others succeed.
    Pss. Planks are stupid.

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  14. Enjoy your time in Lincoln and let yourself take a break from everything that's overwhelming you right now. I totally know what you're going through (in my own way) and it's totally ok to have a mini breakdown in pilates. Hope you can get some rest and clear your mind before getting back to the grind!

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  15. I know exactly what you're feeling. I'm now a college senior and am so overwhelmed. But we can do it!

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  16. Oh my word I had a moment like that in yoga class once. I went to do a half moon pose and there were the tears. Just me. No one else. It's pretty intense what those emotions will do!

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  17. If cry too if I had to hold a two minute plank.

    Hope you can destress this weekend!

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  18. Thinking of you girlie! :) Good job on the plank tho ! xoxoxo
    XO Ellen from Ask Away
    www.askawayblog.com

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  19. Not to freak you out or anything but uhm, I was like that when I was pregnant.

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  20. Crying jags catch us at any time when stress levels are high - I had one last night cuz I'm convinced that MY cat loves my husband more than me. Yea, lost it. But a long weekend away will do you some good. Have fun in Nebraska! :)

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  21. Oh my goodness, I know that feeling. I know it very well. Sometimes crying is what you need to get right again. <y husband told me the other day that he wished he could understand that type of emotion...and then went back to mindlessly scrolling through Reddit.

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  22. I haven't seen the video but anything sad happening to animals makes me depressed for days.
    https://www.lovelylefflerjewelry.com

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  23. As someone who has cried more at her desk in the passed month than I think I have in the last 5 years, I feel you. When life sucks, it sucks, and the vast amount of sheer suckiness usually creeps up on you at the worst possible time. Thank god for long weekends, warm summer nights that last in to September, and cheap bottles of wine that don't give you a hangover. Or whatever else works to help you get through it.

    https://chic-or-geek.squarespace.com

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  24. Oh my goodness, are you kidding me?! You held a plank for 2 minutes! I wouldn't be able to do that to save my life. lol As a certified counselor, I know that strong emotions come at weird times and especially when that negative voice is shouting at us. I'm glad to read that you're looking forward to and now, hopefully, enjoying your three day week-end. Thank-you for this honest and intriguing post. :)

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  25. I hope you're doing better!! I feel like I have breakdowns during the worst time possible. I just saw that video and it made me tear up too! Also, I had no idea that you could give a turtle mouth to mouth and save it!

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