My History With The Catholic Church

Wednesday, September 30, 2015

I'll admit it. Like so much of America last week, I had some major Pope fever going on. I still kinda do.

I watched the news stories, I read every article online, and I even started following the Pope on Twitter and Instagram (and vine. ) The man sends some hilarious clips, I gotta say.

And guess what I see right before I go to bed? This dreamy face.

The ceiling in my bedroom is covered with magazine clippings of PF (that's what I call him.) I couldn't help myself. I just lay there at night and imagine getting blessed by him.

Wanna know how you know you're a "crazy girl?" You start drunk tweeting the man you have a crush on.

Now if you're observant you're probably looking at this tweet going, Taylor it was 7:07 p.m. get your life together.

It was a Husker game day AND I went to Oktoberfest. If the worst thing I do after a few beers is starting tweeting compliments to the Pope, I think I'm doing okay. *Just for the record I also tweeted "I love Pope" about ten minutes later...

Anyway, I sent the adoring tweet and that was that. Until I got the response you see above. And was totally UGHHHH about it. Like stop trying to get me back Catholic Church, you're looking desperate.

Which brings me to part two of this post.

I was raised Catholic, did the whole First Communion thing when I was a kid and totally NAILED it, if I do say so myself.

A short veil and white ruffle socks with size 11 sandals? Don't mind if I do! Let's take a closer look at the detail on my amazing dress.

I don't know why my parents insisted I get braces, but they did. They were adamant about it, in fact.

I can't help but think I would have grown up with a lot more character had I been forced to go through life with those spiky talons for front teeth. Kids, never open cans with your teeth. Just because you can, doesn't mean you should.

But I digress. Back to the catholic church.

I left the catholic church for two reasons:

#1. I can't get into a church who is so out spoken about not letting gays get married. I went to a service last spring and almost walked out because I found the priest's message so judgmental and downright offensive to homosexuals. It was just hurtful.

#2. Women can't be priests. Soooo..... no. Not for me. How could I take my non existent daughter to that church some day and let her know that men will always be one peg higher?

And sure, you can give me reasons why the catholic church doesn't allow women to be priests, but honestly I don't care. In my opinion not equal is not equal.

And #3. I hated "may peace be with you time" because I never had anyone to peace with!!! So embar.

And yet.

Yet I still love Pope Francis. Perhaps I'm being a bit dreamy eyed here and am only choosing to see what I want, but what I do see is so good.

He's known as the "Peoples Pope" because of his simple and humble lifestyle. He refuses dinner with the elite so he can eat with the homeless. He's known to frequently give kids rides on his Popemobile. He "sneaks out" of the Vatican at night dressed as a regular priest so he can give money and food to the homeless.

He just seems like such a good man. And maybe I'm so interested in him because I feel like our world is starved for more selfless generous leaders who truly care about the people.

Or maybe it's just because he's the dreamiest.

What do you think? Any Pope fans in the house?

A Very Important Message Regarding New FACEBOOK LAWS

Tuesday, September 29, 2015

I have a really important message I need to share with you. I'm using this photo of Harlow because I think he looks really important and will help convey the importance of this important message.

It's regarding Facebook. If you want to keep your Facebook private or free or from blowing up in your face you have to read this. Don't worry, I'll explain everything and even break it down line by line for you.

Now it's official! It has been published in the media.
Anything "published in the media" is official. Please don't ever forget that, the media is very important and official. They always tell the truth and know what's going on, especially when it comes to Facebook and the like.

Facebook has just released the entry price: $5.99 to keep the subscription of your status to be set to "private".
Starting some day very soon in the near far future, you're going to have to pay at least $6 to someone in the near far future to keep your Facebook posts private to just your 2,500 online friends. This is very scary stuff, if you're sharing important photos on the internet that you want to be kept private, you better listen up.

If you paste this message on your page, it will be offered free (paste not share) if not tomorrow, all your posts can become public.
The robots will check and they will know if you shared and didn't paste. So for the LOVE OF GOD, PASTE. Oh my gosh. Because if you don't, all of those photos you're sharing on the internet that you don't want some people to see, well they're going to become PUBLIC. All of your posts that you have indeed put out there (online and not just kept to yourself like you could have) they're going to be public. Which we just can't have. I don't know about you, but I don't update my status for the world to see. It's for my eyes only.

Even the messages that have been deleted or the photos not allowed. 
Do you not understand the seriousness of this nature?! All of those life threatening messages you chose to send via Facebook messenger will be out there for the world. Your bank accounts, your social security, your STD history, everything you have willingly put online, will indeed be online.

After all, it does not cost anything for a simple copy and paste.
But the cost to not simply copy and paste? Do I even have to say it? Your children lives are at stake here. Do not do that to the children you love posting photos of online.

As of September 28 2015 4:05 Eastern standard time, I do not give Facebook or any entities associated with Facebook permission to use my pictures, information, or posts, both past and future.
It is currently September 29 2015 11:01 a.m. central standard time, are you too late? May God be with us all.

By this statement, I give notice to Facebook it is strictly forbidden to disclose, copy, distribute, or take any other action against me based on this profile and/or its contents. 
A statement like this PASTED (not shared) on your Facebook wall is just about as official as something gets.

The content of this profile is private and confidential information. The violation of privacy can be punished by law (UCC 1-308- 1 1 308-103 and the Rome Statute). 
Never second guess the Rome Statue. It wasn't built in a day, you know?

NOTE: Facebook is now a public entity. 
Did you note this? If you didn't, please do so now.

All members must post a note like this. If you prefer, you can copy and paste this version. 

If you do not publish a statement at least once it will be tactically allowing the use of your photos, as well as the information contained in the profile status updates. 
Remember when you pasted something like this to your wall last year? And the year before? And the year before? None of those matters. Only this one does. If you don't, Facebook can sell all of those photos of you and your husband on your honeymoon making weird honeymoon friends with Trish and David from Nevada taking shots by the pool that one day you got really crazy and acted all goofy and put on a sombrero and then Trish drank a little too much tequila and passed out under her lawn chair! Do you know how much money Facebook will make off of a photo like that? MILLIONS. Do not do that to Trish and David.

DO NOT SHARE. You MUST copy and paste.
Please do this, all of your Facebook friends deserve to know.

If you think I'm an asshole for posting this I am okay with that, I'm willing to take one for the team in order to get this important message across to the public.

I'm Just Here For the Hotdogs

Monday, September 28, 2015

I've said it before and I'll say it again, food tastes better at a sporting event. I'd never eat a tiny red hotdog sitting in a soggy white bread bun at home, but at a baseball game? Give me five.

It's the same with an airport. You can't fight it, so you might as well just give in and binge the hell out of it.

Sunday night Chris and I went to the Cubs game at Wrigley and ate all the treats.

It was a gorgeous night to play on my phone at a baseball stadium, if I do say so myself. I'm kidding. I've actually been making a conscious effort to stay off my gross little iphone all the time. I don't know why I have to remind myself that real life is better than phone life, but I do.

I'm really into my hippy dippy podcasts right now and I've learned some secrets to life that have helped keep me just a little less coo coo as of late. Maybe I'll write a post about it this week.

Tay's Secrets To Living Happier: #1 DOGSSSSSSSSSS. That's not really one of them. But it could be.

Anyway, back to baseball and treats and the blood moon. I remembered last night while sitting at Wrigley that I love baseball games but I think baseball is incredibly boring. Like so so so so soooo boring. And yet I find it very enjoyable to sit outside on a nice fall night with a beer and a hotdog, you know?

I entertained myself during the longest 7th inning ever by replaying the moving A League of Their Own in my head.

We are the members of the All-American League.
We come from cities near and far.
We've got Canadians, Irishmen and Swedes,
We're all for one, we're one for all
We're All-Americans!

What a killer movie that is. Remember when Kit got traded? What a twist! And then she beat Dottie in the end during that heartbreaking scene when she slid into home. But the fame was just too much for Kit to handle so she went on to get really into drugs and held up some liquor stores and stole some cars and ended up in prison on Orange Is The New Black? What a crazy story!

When I was a kid I only played softball because I wanted to be Kit. I was faster than any other kid on the bases, but my hand/eye coordination hadn't quite caught up with the rest of my body so I couldn't catch a ball to save my life. The coach stuck me in the outfield where no ten year old girl could possibly hit it and called the position "rover."

I busied myself by doing cartwheels and making bracelets out of grass. One time I even snuck away to the concessions to buy gummy worms during a game. Nobody noticed.

Here I am holding a hotdog and popcorn in my right hand, and a chicken strip basket and cookie sandwich in my left.

It all turned out okay.

And now I'm going to leave you with the best mashup gif ever of Stilwell Angel and the movie Speed. I've chuckled at it for nearly six minutes now. Mostly because I imagine if I ever have a child someday he will be just like this little devil.

Oh Mondays.

13 Reasons To Be Happy Today

Friday, September 25, 2015

*Because it's Friday.

*And it's Oktoberfest. I don't know what that means exactly but I know it involves beer.

*And because this is how I get to start every single morning. Morning Harlow is the best Harlow.

It's especially cute when Chris starts to iron because for some reason the sound of steam coming out of the iron terrifies Harlow so he curls up into me as tight as possible.

*Because Chris irons. He's one of those guy's who likes non-wrinkled clothing. Weird, I know. The closest I come to ironing is dragging my flat iron over the bottom of a shirt right before I run out the door.

*My friends are doing cool things. More specifically, Bon is doing cool things. Have you checked out her beautiful jewelry shop @heyjuneshop on Instagram? If you haven't, you should.

Bon is taking a new spin on birthstone jewelry. Hey June Shop encourages you not just to celebrate births with special stones, celebrate anything you want! So I chose the beautiful topaz November stone. Why? Because November is the month I met my best friend, Harlow of course!

And it's also the month I started dating Chris 100 years ago. I meant to say Chris first... whoops. Luckily he doesn't read this blog so he'll never know. Harlow however reads daily.

Use the code: TAY20 and you get 20% off! And FREESHIP gets you free shipping on any order above $50! And follow on Instagram at @heyjuneshop because it's nice to support each other obviously. Go Bon go!

*Because the Pope is in town (or country whatever.) I don't consider myself catholic anymore, but boy oh boy do I have a crush on that guy.

*And this story about the old man who built a train for abandoned dogs to go on rides. I watched the video like 10 times because I'm CRAZY.

*The nails have officially gone dark for the season. #thedailybasic

*Speaking of that hashtag... all of your wonderful photos are giving me the basic warm fuzzies. That feed is quickly filling up and I'm loving it!

*Starbucks. Check. Brick wall. Check. HAND! Check. @hellorigby really brought it home with this one.

*Amy Schumer just scored an 8-10 million book deal for her memoir. A female comedian who speaks her mind and constantly calls out the bullshit of our male dominated society getting this kind of book deal is incredible. Whether you like Amy or not (I'm a huge fan) you have to admit this is amazing. Go Amy go!

*Harlow is taking over my Snapchat today @thedailytay (spoiler alert: he takes it over every day.)

*And because tomorrow is the weekend. Oh thank God.

Let's keep the list going. What makes you happy today?

It's The Most Basic Time of the Year! #thedailybasic

Wednesday, September 23, 2015

Fall. That time of year when all of the basic dreams come true.

And just for the record I'm not looking down in the photo above because I'm just another basic blogger, it's because I'm hungover and I'm waiting for my shrimp basket.

And because I'm basic, who am I kidding?

For those of you who don't know (mom) a "basic girl" is someone who... loves all the basic shit other girls love...basically.  Like blanket scarves, and pumpkin spice lattes and new Sam Edelman booties oh my! Honestly I hate pumpkin spice lattes, but give me all of that other stuff and I'm a happy camper.

And it just so happens that fall is the time when a basic girl can shine! She can proudly fill her Instagram feed with as many generic photos of pumpkins and leaves and omg plaid as her little basic heart desires! Going apple picking? You betcha! Posing with scarecrows? Why not! Bathing in pumpkin cinnamon candle wax? Duh. Tis the season to be basic.

Embrace it and do it without shame. I've already started.

A flannel under the 2015 vest everyone had to have? Done and done.

An omg the leaves are changing pic. Couldn't help myself.
leaves found in Chicago.

The candle pic. Had to.

Candle found here.

I think we should ban together and celebrate the basic season that is upon us! I'm proposing the hashtag #thedailybasic to share all of our pics and browse each other's photos. Creative, right? In true basic nature I'll be reposting some of my favorite pics on this blog. Because if there's one thing I love, it's Instagram photos this time of year.

And just to make it even more fun, I'm going to choose one #thedailybasic photo at the end of October to win a basic girl's gift package. The package includes a blanket scarf, a candle, and a coffee tumbler.

To join the basic fun make sure to use #thedailybasic, and if you want to be certain I see your photos to be entered to win the gift package just tag me @thedailytay.

And just for the record you don't have to be a blogger to win. Just a basic.

You can snag this scarf here. Or you could just win it...

Let's have some fun with this, okay? Don't over think it, anything goes.

*Basic dog photos are also heavily encouraged.

How To Start Your Own T-Shirt Business

In the past two weeks I've received about 15 emails from various people asking about the t-shirt business. How to get started, what to do, where to print, ext. And my response to that is simple:

I invented t-shirts. So get you own idea.

Jk jk! I've actually been meaning to write this post for awhile because I was in the same boat just a year ago with no idea where/how to start. I'm happy to share what I did and what has worked for me. It's obviously not the only way, but it's the only way I know. So here it goes.

Find a good brand of t-shirts. Do some research.

If you ask me, this is most important. Check my reviews and you'll see it's the quality of t-shirt that keeps people coming back. I pay for excellent shirts that don't shrink, aren't cheap, and that feel incredibly soft. The brand I use is Bella and it's awesome.

Find a printer that carries the shirts you want to use.

My shirts are all screen printed, nothing is iron on. Again, in my opinion this is a quality issue. I'm not a fan of iron on shirts. The images peel and look crappy after just a few washes. But screen prints last forever and rarely fade.

I use a company in good old Norfolk, Nebraska to do all of my printing. They give me fair prices, free shipping, and most important, a quick turnaround. I am always moving inventory so having a fast turn around is everything to me.

Just do a simple google search for "t-shirt screen printers" and you'll find a lot. Then decide what is most important to you. Cost or time? For me, it's time. I need to order on a Monday and have my shirts by Thursday.

That first shirt.

So you have a design and a printer, now what?

You can either take pre-orders by simply sharing a mock up of what the shirt will look like. Or you can order the minimum (which is usually 12-24 depending on your printer) or just bite the bullet and order a lot.

I typically order the minimum and start from there. Why? Because I sell more shirts when people can see the actual image of it rather than just a rough idea of what it will look like- i.e. just a drawing.

Where to sell.

Well... I may be bias, but I suggest nebrowse. It's a good place to start for new sellers, not too big or overwhelming, and I personally promote other stores across all of my channels.

Open a few stores, sell on different platforms would be my advice.

How to sell.

Hustle, hustle, hustle. Push it everywhere you can. Facebook, Insta, Twitter, blogs, do what you have to do to get your shirt out there.

I am constantly running promos and giveaways on my Facebook page. You can see some examples here. I also use bloggers a lot. Turns out most of us are pretty good people with a wide reach.


I order all of my supplies from Uline and print all of my labels at home using my DYMO label printer. That printer is a real sonofabitch I tell ya what, but if it keeps me from stepping into the hell that is the Chicago post office I suppose it's the lesser of two evils.

Label printers, am I right ladies?

And finally.

T-shirts can be very lucrative. But it's actually a lot of hard work... or I should say tedious work. On busy days I spend 5-6 hours packing and labeling shirts to be mailed. On the weekends I spend at least 8 hours.

It's also a brutal world. Just be prepared for that, there can be a lot negativity. That's a big reason I'm packing up shop and moving my entire store over to nebrowse in the next week, I'm just tired of it.

The way I stay sane (and I know this sounds corny) is giving back as best as I can. When I'm swimming in negative feelings because I've been told I can't sell a shirt I've come up with... (cough cough "I Just Want To Hang With My Dog") it's my favorite time to send a donation check from my profits to a shelter. I'm also at the point where I send at least one shirt per week toward a specific animal fundraiser because people have found me and ask for an auction donation. I like doing that stuff, it gives me jollies. Makes the other crap go away.

I'm not claiming to be Julie Good Deeds over here, I'm just saying you have to find ways to keep a positive balance sometimes. And for me it's giving back to animals.

But let's wrap it up. Was this useful at all? Or did I just spend two hours making a terrible graphic for no reason?

T-shirts, you guys. Can't live with them, can't live without them.

Back To School Goals

Tuesday, September 22, 2015

If there's two things I've been consistent on in my life it's making goals and writing shit down. The amount of notebooks I've filled up over time is absolutely ridiculous. Self-absorbed me has been documenting my life since the beginning of time.

So today's post is brought to you by circa 1998 Taylor, as in let's take a peak at one of my "back to school" notebooks from the start of sixth grade and the goals I set for myself for the upcoming school year. And just to give you a good visual in your head as to who was writing these goals, here's a photo of myself on the first day of school.

An eleven year's old body with the feet of a fifty year old man. I love it so much. And a scowl on my face that says "my mouth is full of tight metal right now and everything hurts." That scrunchy on my wrist though, that my friend is style. Someone is ready to murder sixth grade!

Now for these goals...

I would have lost it if #1 actually said "Straight Ass!"

So Taylor, what's number one priority for sixth grade? STRAIGHT ASS! That's all I'm after this year. 

It actually says straight A's because I was an intense little child and held myself to high standards. I can't tell you how many times I hid my face in my desk to sob big sloppy tears during math lesson. To this day, I don't know a greater frustration than trying to understand fractions. It just doesn't make any sense!

#2. Win mile run. 
I was a feminist but also realistic, I understood I could beat most of the boys, but there were just a few that I couldn't catch simply because of genetics.

#3. Don't cry at braces office. 
To this day, I still can't listen to Just Breath by Faith Hill because that song was always on the radio when I would go in to get my braces adjusted. I would lay in that chair staring at the ceiling tiles trying to make designs out of the bumps while the doctor's fat hands yanked at my teeth and I would think to myself, I can't breath at all Faith Hill, so please just shut the hell up.

#4. WIN 6th GRADE TRACK MEET. At all costs. (skull bones drawing means this must happen or I will die.)
I don't need to tell you all how big of a deal this track meet was, I'm sure you get it. Winning it was basically like winning the Olympics. So yes, I did win it. And I am still collecting royalty checks and endorsement deals from such a monumental moment in my life. #dreambig

#5. Do splits on both sides. (with a "z".)
This was my goal from 1993- .... well I'd be lying if I didn't admit I still dream of being flexible. Literally. I have dreams where I can touch my stomach to my knees and just lie there comfortably showing the world this great talent of mine. But extreme flexibility as a kid was everything. You remember those super flexible kids from your childhood that you were pretty jealous of because they could do all sorts of weird shit? Exactly. You still remember them. They left a mark.

#6. Get on student council.
I wonder at what point in my life I stopped enjoying being a "joiner." High school? College? The thought of joining any committee right now makes me want to hide in a corner.

#7. Make $$$ for CD player and candy.
Oddly enough, this is still the main reason I work today. First two CDs I bought: Kid Rock and Blink 182. When I think about this, I'm not sure I'll ever be able to have kids. Because if I were to someday see my 11 year old daughter head-banging alone in her room to "Bawitdaba da bang a dang diggy diggy" just before she started to scream, My name is KIIIIIIIIIIIID...Kid Rock. I would have to leave immediately. And just never come back. Ever. Ever ever.

#8. Don't be a lo$er.
It's like I suddenly remembered the "$" symbol in number 7 and then wanted to make up for lost time. But this one bothers me. Because I know what I was like as a kid. I was arrogant and way too self confident. So I have a feeling I didn't write this for 11 year old me. I think I wrote it as a cryptic note for myself to read in the future because I just knew I'd be lacking the same drive and determination as the kid wrote these goals. It's like I'm taunting myself and I don't like it.

#9. Get ready for middle school.
Because this will be your year to SHINE. New building, new friends, new boys, new life. Things are about to get real in 1999. It will be known as the year you wear your hair in knots/horns/twists/pretzels/ every-other-ugly-style you can find to replicate from your Delias catalog.

Alright kids, go take on the day.

We're All Going To Be Okay

Monday, September 21, 2015

It's truck driving season for me again and I've been making the trek from Chicago to Nebraska a little too frequently recently.

Last Wednesday I was bringing back a semi full of swine, listening to an audio book, when I had to take a moment and realize it was probably time for a life check. I had this realization as I was chanting along with my book, holding my palms toward the sky, repeating, "The Universe is generous and good. I am ready to receive my gifts. I create my life. I create my destiny. I...."

I am a lossssssser.

It's always time to double check your life when you find yourself listening to the audio version of The Secret in the car. For like the 100th time. I've listened to this book so often the only thing I get out of it now is an English accent. (That's an inside joke for all of the other Secret searchers out there. The author says "love" like "lurve." And "law" like "lawr." Anyway....)

Well my wires must have gotten crossed with the Universe somehow because rather than receiving the gifts I picked out from the its catalog (a winning lottery ticket and a rescue dog farm) I received a few I didn't want. Like a Macbook that won't turn on, a new box of inventory that didn't arrive, and a few annoying/slightly scary emails regarding the t-shirt business...

The inventory will come in eventually. The emails can be fought. But the dead Macbook worries me. I don't have a thing backed up. I'm mostly just worried about my writing, I'm not quite ready to let go of five years of unfinished stories/screenplays/plans -to-take-over-the-world. It would be like a chunk of me is gone.

And so I'm currently working on Chris's ancient MacBook Pro from 1974. If I move an inch and the power chord comes out the Mac just shuts down. Then it takes around two hours to boot back up, at which point I have to solve a riddle and cross a bridge balancing the computer on my index finger while singing "Steve Jobs in an awesome Jobs, He reigns from heaven above with wisdom, power and love. Steve Jobs in an awesome Jobs" in order for it to start running again. It's a real pain in the ass.

But we're all going to be okay. Everything is okay. We're all going to make it.

Universe, I'm ready for your gifts. I really am. Make it rain. And I'll just be over here making another vision board full of dogs.

5 Things I Loved About Our Engagement Party

Thursday, September 17, 2015

Ten months after we got engaged we finally had an engagement party a few weeks ago. We're slow movers, what can I say?

Our party was in Lincoln and it was just as fun as I'd hoped it would be. Definitely worth the ten month wait.

Here's five things specifically I loved about it.

1. Our invites.
I've been told invites set the tone for a party. So make sure you get some cute ones!

I am in love with these foil stamped Kate Spade invites from Paperless Post. The picture doesn't quite do them justice because the quality is absolutely wonderful! I can't also can't praise Paperless Post enough for their awesome service. They were so easy to work with and their turn around time after ordering was incredible.

2. The cookies.

Preferably cute little bride + groom initial cookies. I am obsessed with sugar cookies and always have been. They are my weakness. People think I'm joking when I say I want a cookie wedding cake... But I'm not.

3. The crew. (Please excuse the grainy iphone pics, I'm the only blogger in the bunch.)

A few of my friends are pregnant. See if you can guess which ones... We kept the invite list pretty small and just invited some close friends that we knew would be in the area. I was so so happy with the turn out. It's hard seeing your best friends only a couple of times a year. So thanks friends for coming, it was so nice of you!

4. The fiance who likes to have a good time.

Chris and Tay at The Bar The Bar... you can tell by our eyes we're in our college element... This is the very same bar where Chris surprised me on my 21st bday when I thought he was still in Spain. "Do you have to go back tomorrow?" I kept asking that night...

5. And the after party. Always have an after party.

All in all, it got me even more excited for 7.23.16.... That date is creeping. Everyone keeps telling me "it will be here before you know it!" But I know it, and it's not here. So, I'm not sure I really believe that expression.

What I Did Last Week Instead of Attending NYFW

Wednesday, September 16, 2015

Did anyone else happen to catch wind of the fact NYFW was going on last week?

I think I saw an Instagram or two about it. Or maybe it was a Tweet. Or five million snapchats. I'm not sure.

Regardless, any blogger who is anyone was running all over New York last week posting about every second of it. And I ate it up. Parties and shows and "pure craziness" oh my! Wouldn't it be fun to be at an all blogger party and just see a bunch of pretty girls not talking to each other but just constantly posting on their phones?

I kid, I kid.

But seriously, I can't help but get all giggly when I think of New York last week and all of the blogger photo shoots happening on every single corner. Do they bring their own photographers I wonder? Because I don't think I could get Chris on board with that. He'd take two photos of me with my eyes closed and then say, okay let's go to a bar now.

But I really think I want to go next year just to see how many photos I can accidentally show up in the background. Until then, here's what I did last week instead of attending NYFW.

I made a mockery out of trying on wedding dresses. Naturally. Although I did buy one ... Details to come.

I spoke with someone from the student loan bank and found out that I'll have (one) of my student loans paid off in just 15 years! Can you imagine? 2030 is going to be an awesome year. Drinks on me!

I created a Fan Duel account. Those damn commercials are so catchy. I could win $30,000 without doing a thing!

I ate a lot of this monkey bread. It was warm and buttery and very healthy.

I also ate cereal from a large rectangular tupperware. Unloading the dishwasher just seemed too overwhelming, you know?

I bought new sheets. Why is buying new sheets such a thrill? WHY?

I bar hopped with my dad on his birthday.

I sent a lot of questionable snapchats on Saturday. For some reason I think it's fun to treat that app as the anti-Instagram and find it amusing to send the worst possible images/videos of myself.

I got called "baby" by the toothless homeless man outside of 7/11 and didn't hate it.

I drank bloody marys for three days in a row.

I took this photo of Harlow giving someone some major side eye. This photo cracks me up. I can only imagine what little Judge Judy Harlow is thinking.

And I also took this glamour shot and remembered why I'm not invited to NYFW...

Instead I'll just have to hit up New York in four weeks and tell some jokes at the comedy festival. New Yorkers, get at me. Where should I stay? What should I do? I'll be there October 21-25 doing a little standup at Broadway Comedy Club.

k thanks bye.

How To Train Your Vizsla

Tuesday, September 15, 2015

Five years ago at this time a little Hungarian Vizsla puppy was born on a farm in Gridley, Kansas. He had a pudgy body, oddly skinny legs, and a big old head. He was "the outsider" of the group the breeder told me, not quite as "regal" as his brothers and sisters.

I wanted him immediately. Look at him. How could you not?

Truthfully, I knew nothing about the breed. Chris mentioned once or twice he thought Vizslas were cool so one day while he was at work (and I was lonely) I googled Vizslas and found a breeder close by. Of course I would learn the ways of Vizslas quite quickly and basically found a new job so I could work from home to ensure Harlow gets the 5-10 runs he demands per day (3 of which must be off leash.)

Once I found the photo of baby Vizslas for sale close to where we were living there was no going back.

In hindsight, I know Harlow came from a good family/breeder because he was reluctant to let me take him. I don't blame him. I was fresh out of college, living in an apartment, and this was my first dog on my own.

But I managed to convince him I'd give this puppy a good life so he let me take the little chubby awkward one of the bunch home with me. But before leaving the breeder told me that when training a Vizsla, "You can't punish them. They're sensitive dogs and you'll break their spirit."

And I never forgot that he said that, however the breeder failed to mention one very important thing: how you do train a Vizsla.

After living with Harlow for a few years I realized why he never said anything, it's because you don't train them. Vizslas train you.

Let's look at a few Harlow'isms, shall we? Are these Vizsla traits I wonder, or just Harlow traits?

Mr. Wiggles.
He doesn't just wag his tail, he shakes his entire body. When he's really excited he starts walking sideways.

The Leaner
He can't just stand next to you, he must actually lean against you. All. The. Time.

The Paw Slap.
Harlow doesn't bite, but he sure gives a good slap. I've had one too many scratches on my face when I'm not paying him enough attention and he suddenly whacks me across the face.

The Bathroom Rug.
Aka Harlow's spot when I shower... God forbid he be more than two feet away at any time.

The Hello.
Whether I've been gone for 30 seconds, or three hours, the moment I walk in the door Harlow has to find his favorite toy to put in his mouth to greet me. If he can't find something immediately, he starts to panic and will grab a pillow or blanket to present to me.

Open Door Policy.
Harlow hates closed doors. He's known to go around the house nudging every door open with his nose... Which is fine, until guests come over and use the bathroom. Let's just say he catches some people off guard.

The Moans and the Groans.
Harlow is a vocal dog. He's got something to say about everything.

He Plays Hard To Get.
After he gives me the "it's time for a walk" glare/shout for a minutes I'll get his leash out, but then when I try to put it on him he playfully puts his butt in the air, and then runs from me so I have to chase him down. It drives me insane.

The climber.
He'll climb anything; a tree, the couch, a ladder, me (photo above.) In another life he was a circus cat.

The Thief.
Anything left on a counter or table is fair game. There is no such thing as "out of reach" for Harlow.

The Big Vizsla.
Harlow is known as the "Big Vizsla" in Chicago. So far he's the biggest V we've seen in the city. Perhaps it has to do with his stealing habit as mentioned above? He once took down an entire bag of hamburger buns + 12 muffins in an hour...

Snuggles McGee.
Harlow doesn't just sit on you/lay with you. He snuggles. He has to cozy in as close to you as possible. And no matter the time of year (like even in the dead of summer) he wants to be nestled under a blanket.

Like I always say,  where there's a lap there's a Vizsla.

Happy Birthday, Harlow. You've turned me into the over-the-top crazy dog person I always knew I could be.