Harlow Wentworth Jimmer Hillis Wolfe has officially tossed his name into the group of Presidential candidates for 2016.
He may be a little late to the mix, and I'm quite certain Ralph the Beagle from next door talked him into this. (Ralph is super obsessed with Harlow and totally inflates his ego.)
But never the less, he's got some things to say.
"My name is Harlow and I approve this message."
Born and raised in a small town in Kansas, Harlow knows what it's like to come from humble beginnings. He was born in a barn and spent his first days living underneath his brothers. Literally. They all piled on top of him.
But he didn't get where he is today by just sitting down.
Sometimes he also rolls over (rarely but sometimes.) He also knows "high five" and "stand up." But his favorite is "hug!"
An outsider since day one, Harlow always had big plans for himself.
"Some day I'm going to live in a city. And when I do, I'm going to pee on every scent I come across and make my mark known!"
Harlow believes in equality for all. But mostly for dogs. Mostly just for himself, actually.
If elected, he will make it mandatory for all parks and jungle gyms to open their gates to ALL.
He will then immediately put up signs on park gates that say "please curb your children."
Plastic bags blowing in the wind will be punishable as he sees fit. So that means he either gets to growl at them, sneak up on them, or simply be too nervous to walk by them. It just depends on his mood.
New uniforms will be given to all postal carriers. The ones they have now are simply too suspicious.
If squirrels want to be out in public they must be on leashes and are no longer allowed to climb trees. No exceptions. Squirrels can't be trusted. They are what's WRONG with society.
Harlow wants to clean up our planet. He will personally pick up every single piece of trash if he has to.
He wants to do what's right, even if that means going against his instincts.
One time he saw a baby bunny and he didn't eat it. He sniffed it. But then he slowly backed away.
"I think Harlow would be a great president. He smells fun." -Ralph
Harlow is loyal. He doesn't forget a face, pee spot, or treat jar.
He wants to take down the fence. EVERY fence in fact.
"He has a lot of energy." -Harlow's dog walkers.
He thinks ALL fireworks should be outlawed. They are a danger to society and are pure evil.
He also doesn't like it when the train passes overhead. That needs to stop. And CTA buses. They're too big! What's with that weird noise? Get rid of them.
"I don't like him. I think he's always peeing on my flowers." -grumpy old man across the street.
Also, the grumpy old man across the street needs to be crated during the day. And the night.
When asked what kind of salary Harlow would like he responded, "cheese."
So it's time to step up, America. Our country is ready for a dog President. If not now, then when?
My name is Harlow and I approve this message.