When I Win The Lotto
Monday, January 11, 2016
I woke up today and the temperature on my phone said 2. But it "feels like -11."
Thanks temperature app, but I think I get to decide what it feels like outside, not you.
And based on the fact my hair froze in the short 30 seconds I was out this morning with Harlow, I'd say it feels more like -100. Like -1000, probably.
I envy the people in this world who will never truly know what it's like to feel cold this way. This kind of cold hurts. It actually burns the skin. When I'm standing in an open park with Harlow and the wind is whipping by and my nose and cheeks feel like they might actually crack off I have the same thought every time, why in the hell do I live here?
The worst part of all, when I woke up today I didn't have 600 million dollars.
And I really really thought I would be.
I'm not sure if it's my small town Nebraska roots or what, but I'm a big fan of the lottery. For Christmas I get scratch tickets in my stocking and I don't care who knows it. I love the lotto. I don't play all the time, but ... but I do buy a ticket on almost every road trip. Why not? It's fun!
True story: one summer I worked for the Nebraska lottery and I travelled across the state attending every small town fair the summer offered, working the lottery tent along side my friends at the D.C. Lynch Carnival. Say what you want, carnies are good folk! Jim the Zipper man lost his entire house in a fire (a meth lab fire but whatever, he was starting over just trying to make an honest living working for the carnival. And playing scratchies) but that's a post for another time.
As I was saying, I woke up today and really wished I had 600 million dollars.
I would be a modest rich person.
Chicago has really humbled me. I simply long for a few nice things. Maybe a bigger bed? One that would allow me to actually sleep on my back and not curled up on my side in the fetal position while Harlow kicks me all night.
And maybe even a bedroom that would allow space on either side of the bed so I don't have to jump in from the end to get to "my side." Luxury! A bedroom big enough for TWO nightstands. I can't even.
And perhaps a washer and dryer that doesn't require me to walk outside and go down the stairs into the dungeon basement where I'm certain every single time I do laundry someone's going to lock me down there for the rest of my life and no one will ever find me and eventually I'll just morph into Rat Girl.
So basically if I don't win the lottery on Wednesday there's a good chance I'm going to turn into a rat. And no one wants that.
And yes, it goes without saying that after I win I will immediately begin construction on my rescue animal sanctuary, called The Harlow Foundation, where animals of all shapes and sizes and ages get to have the best life money can buy. So Universe, toss me a bone here. (PUN!)
Anyone in blog land want to start a lotto pool with me? I feel like work groups always win. Let me know. And more importantly, after we win, how will you spend your MONEY?! I suggest you buy 100 of my new Mondays Are Garbage mugs. Find them here.
Mondays, am I right?