16 Things That Make Me Feel Old AF

Tuesday, March 15, 2016

I was in slippers and settled into the couch by 6 p.m. last Friday. And oh my it was wonderful.

Also, yesterday I was vacuuming when I actually said out loud to myself, "damn it, I enjoy vacuuming."

I really said that. And I meant it. I don't know if it's relaxing for me, or the fact the pay off is quick, or maybe it's just because Harlow makes our house so dirty so it has to be done, whatever it is I love to vacuum and I don't care who knows it.

Realizing joys like this makes me feel old AF.

However, I feel like I should say that Chris's parents totally spoiled us with this cordless vacuum for Christmas so it really is a treat to use a vacuum that actually works compared to the 1986 hand-me-down we used for 5 years previous.

A vacuum for Christmas that we both really wanted, not even kidding. Like I said, feeling old AF over here. I compiled a list of all of my old lady triggers just because it was 2 a.m. this morning and I couldn't sleep after having a weird night at standup. Ugh, comedy. Anyway.

16 Things That Make Me Feel Old AF.

1. When the neighbors upstairs are throwing a loud party and I say "what are they doing up at this hour anyway?!" And it's midnight... on a Saturday.

And then I proceed to knock on the ceiling with a broom like the crazy old woman I am.

2. That I take far too much joy in a clean microwave.

3. Same can be said with freshly cleaned fridge shelves. What's NOT to love?

4. I can't skip stairs anymore because my knee hurts. My left knee to be specific. I feel like I'm too young for body parts to be going out on me.

5. And yet sometimes my hip gets weird too. Like when it rains.

6 . Also the fact that 9 times out of 10 I'll choose a hangover free morning over a fun night out. Nothing beats getting up on a Saturday and being ready to tackle the day, don't you think?

7. That I have a coffee mug collection... Some may even be hung on my wall. Want to know how I know you're old? You think coffee mugs make great decor.

8. Finding a new cleaning product makes my day. Did you know that peroxide takes out almost everything?! For real. I've become like the crazy dad from My Big Fat Greek Wedding. But instead of Windex I love peroxide.

9. Home Depot on a Saturday is real thrill for me. It's almost flower time!

10. I say things like, "Who left all the damn lights on? Do you think I have stock in the electric bill?"

11. And that I have this polka dot sweater in two colors now. Because who doesn't love a good summer sweater? Young people. That's who.

12. I've been listening to "easy jazz" and "movie scores" lately while I drink wine and read a book. Then I usually finish off the night with some Metamucil. Jk. Maybe.

13. I spent last Sunday "going over my finances" in preparation of getting my tax info ready and thought to myself, I need a better plan for retirement....

14. I have a vision board with my dream washer and dryer on it. #goals.

15. I've basically started buying anti wrinkle cream in bulk...

16. It's now 2:00 p.m. and I need my afternoon cup of coffee or I'll have to take a nap.

Where my old ladies in the house? What did I leave off the list?


  1. Old lady central over here. The other day my boyfriend commented that I nap a lot and I heard myself say "I used to be called a 'good sleeper' as a kid, when did that become a bad thing?" Ugh, I'm the worst. Recently, I've also taken a keen interest in redoing our apartment...meaning I've spent way too much time comparing paint samples. Finally, if having a dream washer and dryer is wrong, I don't want to be right.

  2. If listening to movie scores=old, then I've been old since I was eighteen. "Little Women" by Thomas Newman is my favorite, though the "Outlander" TV Score by Bear McCreary is almost edging it out.

  3. Girrrrrrl. I took photos and texted them to Eric when I organized and scrubbed spotless my beautiful refrigerator. And he LOVED THEM.

    I currently think walking, not running, is a far more appropriate form of exercise. My knees no longer feel destroyed.

    If I don't lotion my face and skin, my body feels like it's going to crack apart.

    I had the hugest hangover Saturday from TWO CAR BOMBS Friday night. TWOOOOO.

    I like early mornings far better than late nights.

    I get my jollies from NPR.

    Shall I continue?

  4. Old AF. Clean sheets > basically anything else in life. When people suggest going out after 9 pm (weekend or not), I basically laugh in their face. Brunch is the new raging party.

  5. Oh and one more bc it's too good: groups of children / teenagers make me nervous. Especially if they look cooler than I do. I seriously almost pulled over to yell at a kid I watched throw garbage (littering!!) in a city sewer drain. It was like 4 days ago and I'm still thinking about it. He didn't even give it a second thought. I am seriously so bothered.

    1. hahahaha teenagers scare me too!!! good one lol.

  6. Get a roomba. Your joy will exceed to levels you didn't know existed. I'm pretty sure getting a roomba is the childless-person equivalent of having a kid.

  7. Love this. It's all so true. The vacuuming (because of the dog) and the coffee mugs as decor! I have quite the collection now - but how can I not when Target has so many wonderful mugs!?

  8. We purchased a cordless vacuum a few months ago too and I now get so much joy out of vacuuming. I know how you feel.

    Last week I had friends ask me to go out after 8 pm and I passed it up because I knew it would interfere with my bed time.

    Mornings are the bomb and totally underrated. They're when all the productivity (and coffee) happens and why would you want to miss out on that?


  9. I had friends from NYC come to visit me in Connecticut, we spent the afternoon at a brewery and then went out to dinner at a bar known for its beer selection. We couldn't even look at the taps by the time we made it there, and I was with people who participate and organize beer olympics every year. It was discussed that future plans must consist of one major event in a day. We were all in bed by 10 pm so we could wake up early and get coffee while we walked around the city before the college kids woke up.

    Aside from bills, I love the perks of getting older.

  10. yes. all of this. i'm still tired from saturday. something is wrong with me.

  11. Please cover this topic because I think it would be hilarious and I need someone else to either agree or disagree with the "WTF's" that are going through my head. What is up with all these pimple/blackhead/weird shit popping videos? I think in another life I would have enjoyed those videos and I know people who love them, but I can't stomach even the thumbnail! Thanks!

  12. I will always choose a bowl of popcorn and TV over a night out, and I'm only 23. My favorite old lady thing has to be watering my plants (and maybe talking to them about how beautifully they're growing)

  13. 1. When you catch yourself saying "When I was their age..." about teenagers

    2. When you realize you are 100% becoming your mother.

    Love this article!

  14. YES to all of this! Also:

    1) I need my glasses on to watch tv now, I can't see distances (i.e. 6 feet from a large screen tv)

    2) When someone gives me a food gift (i.e. Christmas cookies in a nice holiday Tupperware) I get more excited about acquiring a nice new pieces of Tupperware than I am about the cookies.

  15. I can relate to everything on your list. A few weeks ago the boyfriend and I were in bed two weekend nights in a row before 10pm. When he pointed it out, I said, "well, it's just sensible". Wow.

  16. There is certain white wines (that may or may not come in a box) that my boyfriend refuses to kiss me post-drink since I smell like old lady.

  17. All of the above. I think I party less hard than my in-laws and being okay with that lets me know that I am indeed old. I can't wait to shake my fist at the youth and tell them to get off my lawn!

  18. YES! I went to a concert last summer and I complained that it was too loud. It was a concert. It's supposed to be loud. Also passing on any plans that start at 8pm or later.. because I actually need a full night of sleep or I look haggard the next day.

  19. Wait until you are 65 like me and THEN YOU WILL BE OLD AF.

  20. Wait until you are 65 like me and THEN YOU WILL BE OLD AF.

  21. Amen! My knees and lately my hip have been giving my fits lately. Most weekend nights I am asleep by 10:00...at the latest.

  22. #6, my boyfriend called me out on this last weekend and it's so sad but true! I just LOATHE hangovers so much that I will now pretty do anything to avoid them, even if it means not going out on the weekends. My 26 year old body just can't handle it haha

    Laura | Laura Aime Vous

  23. My husband has literally put out "Keep off the grass" signs in our front yard... for all those young whippersnappers trampling my flowers!

    And I have found myself referencing 80's and 90's pop culture to 20-somethings. All I get it a blank stare and then I remember... Oh yeah, they weren't born yet...

  24. Yes to basically all of these. We had a super busy weekend last weekend and have decided that we can only plan one fun activity per weekend because we're too old to keep up. Ah.

  25. I wore my first earplugs to a concert the other night and was ecstatic when I got into my car and could hear. Your blog cracks me up and this post is 100% true for me, too.