How To Lose Weight and Get Straighter Teeth

Thursday, March 10, 2016

I got my nails done yesterday and everyone must know. I went crazy and opted for "Cake Pop" by OPI rather than "Mod About You." Change is hard, but it was time. And yes, I wear these same jeans every day. Thanks for noticing.

In other news, the idea well is dry today. I've been staring at my screen for an hour, starting and stopping 100 different posts. I'm not sure what my problem is this week.

Since I'm very desperate I'm pulling out my joke notebook for a post idea today. I keep a running log on my iphone notepad of things I see that might be standup worthy. I add to it all the time in hopes it might make good material. Most of it doesn't pan out, but every once in awhile there's a gem in there. So let's look over a few things I've written down lately.

*animal grave.
Last week I walked into my backyard to find a mound of dirt the size of a volleyball surrounded by a circle of rocks. It definitely wasn't there the day before. So now I'm terrified on the people who live above me. Welcome to city living.

*accidental Facebook share.
Have you ever accidentally shared someone else's Facebook status? I have. It's oddly embarrassing. One time I shared a post from some girl I'd most definitely never met about how happy she was to have her grandmother in her life. It stayed on my page for at least four hours before I noticed it. So that was weird.

Most recently I shared someone's GoFundMe page to pay for dinners for a family of seven. I know it doesn't seem bad to share something like that, but I didn't know the person who originally posted it, or the family it was for. So I took it down. Which made me even MORE of an asshole. It was like, oh hey I'm doing a good deed for someone I don't know, actually on second thought I don't know you, I'm taking this post down. It's not worthy of my Facebook wall.

*baby actor on walking dead.
No one is going to think this is funny, I've tried it out on stage in fact and it only amuses me. But here it goes anyway.

Chris has me into watching that terrible zombie show, The Walking Dead, and a few weeks ago there was a really gory scene where scary zombies were everywhere, and the camera cut to a close-up of the baby in the scene (who is not a zombie) and it had an absolute look of terror on its face.

My first thought was, damn that baby's a better actor than I'll ever be. But then I thought, no wait. that baby truly thinks it's in a zombie apocalypse right now! That is some heavy shit for a baby to process.

*Dewey Decimal System.
I think this has to do with my set on all the useless info we learned in grade school because right under it I wrote "compass with pencil" and "longitude/latitude bs."

Or maybe it was just a reminder to give myself a refresher on that info? I'm not sure, my joke notes often don't make any sense at all. One time I just wrote down "stare off with pigeon priest."

*panda baby.
I still can't get over the fact that pandas give birth to babies that are the size of mice, yet humans have to give birth to babies that are the size of humans.

It just doesn't seem right to me.

*snapchat dead eyes.
I follow people on snapchat who absolutely amuse me with how boring they are. (To me anyway!) They're probably very entertaining to other people. Likewise, I know I'm very annoying to a lot of people. To each their own snapchat story.

I don't think there's a joke here? Why I wrote that down I'm not sure.

As you can probably tell, I'm killing it in standup with all of this great material. If you'd like to book me please email my talent agent.

It's almost Friday. Thank God.


  1. I lol'ed at the sharing status thing. I've never done it, but someone did it to me once - they shared one of my pics of me and my friends and they DEFINITELY did not mean to. I really didn't know how to approach it so I left it alone and they eventually deleted. I also have a friend who was FB stalking once and instead of writing the guy's name in the search bar, she made it her status. So her status literally was "John Smith" or whatever which is just SO EFFING FUNNY TO ME.

  2. That nail polish is so pretty! and I love your walking dead reference.. that's really funny and really interesting to think about.. i really hope that they somehow was able to get the baby to make the face without really showing what was going around it.. because dang that would totally mess somebody up! lol great post!


  3. I actually lol'ed when you talked about the baby actor, and I don't even watch the show. LOL

    I haven't shared anyone else's post on accident, however I have accidentally "liked" someones post before. An acquaintance of mine lost a family member and I wanted to just see (be super nosey) who commented on it and instead I ended up liking it, one of two people who "liked" it by the way. Which was super weird because well, their family member died and me, someone they barely know "likes" it?! I immediately unliked it, however I know they got the notification.



  4. I actually laughed out loud at the baby actor and the accidentally sharing an FB post. I can't believe the FB post didn't kill! There was a baby zombie on Z Nation, another zombie show, and that baby was the most frightening zombie of the bunch!

    Lauren Lalipop

  5. Click bait. I did not learn how to straighten my teeth by reading this. F this post.

  6. hahahahaha snapchat dead eyes. i know exactly who you're thinking of.

  7. Okay I would die laughing at that Walking Dead joke if I heard it at a stand up show. I never thought of it like that, they are probably freaking the hell out. And I can also think of a few people with boring dead eye selfie videos.

  8. Oh god I hope I'm not the Snapchat dead eyes chick!! That filter amuses me endlessly, though

  9. No you're right, baby actors are so weird. Even weirder are their parents. That's what I always think about like, what the hell are you thinking Mom? Get a job

  10. "about how happy she was to have her grandmother in her life. It stayed on my page for at least four hours before I noticed it. So that was weird."


  11. I wonder about the baby actor every time!

  12. I got mod ab you on my toes today. And i love it. And i love it. #2000srapreference #namethattune

  13. The baby actor made me laugh, even though I really dislike walking dead. I also appreciate the title of this post in relation to the contents of the post :)

  14. hahah ok if it makes you feel better I chuckled at the baby actor thing. Also I just love this topic in general. It reminds me of Mitch Hedberg when he was like "I just wrote down tea ski. I don't know what that means" (paraphrasing here)