Beauty and the Beard

Tuesday, May 10, 2016

Where am I? What day is it? What's going on?

The past two weeks have been some of the busiest, most fun, and definitely most hectic days of my life. Between a trip to Steamboat, a surprise bridal shower, hitting a milestone in T-Shirt Town, and then ending with one of my best friends getting married.

I'm a mess. My house is even scarier. I don't do well working in messes, they make me uneasy. But today, and for the next few days I imagine, I have no choice. I have one hour to write before into the T-Shirt cave I go, so let's make it a good hour.

Beauty and The Beard: a love story.

It started at 7:30 a.m. on Saturday morning in the only way that a wedding for my friend Kim could start, with a run to the liquor store to get vodka for Bloody Marys. They weren't open yet, so I had to wait outside like a sad little alcoholic dog. If you ever want to feel like a terrible person, be the person waiting behind the locked doors of a liquor store at 7:30 a.m.

"I'm in a wedding today," I told the owner as he unlocked the doors and looked at me like, "you poor thing."

"It's for the bride," I added.

Nothing I was saying seemed to improve the situation. So I embraced the judgment and threw a bag of Funyons and two Five Hour energys into my purchase pile.

The day was spent at Kim's dad's house getting ready.

I don't mean to, but I somehow always end up relaxing in a dog bed. What? They're comfy!

Kim gave each of her bridesmaid's an emoji shirt that she felt fit their personality. As you can see, I got the purple devil.... 

While everyone was getting their makeup on and hair curled I was hiding away in Kim's basement working on the song I had created for my MOH speech. *I do not sing. And yet Saturday night I sang a mix of songs with my own lyrics for six minutes in front of 250 of Lincoln's best at the LCC. But we'll get to that later. 

As everyone got ready rap music blasted through out the house and it was an un "bridesmaidy" as it gets, but oh so perfect for the group that was there. Memories were shared and beers were drank, all while I was downstairs plotting my little speech and attempting to learn how to work Garage Band. I sent my final cut to the DJ ten minutes before we left the house. 

We were driven to the country club and the ceremony started at 5:00. I think? Wedding days are such a time warp. They start out slow and then are over in the blink of an eye.

Kim and Goldie wrote their own vows and one of their good friends' officiated. It was the most personal, sentimental, and downright hilarious wedding ceremony I have ever attended. My abs hurt from laughing at the end. And yet there wasn't a dry eye in the house, either.

"I promise to always be kind. Even when I'm hungry, which is a real problem in our house," Kim said while Goldie smiled and nodded knowingly.

"It really is," he noted to everyone in attendance.

From start to finish, everything was so them.

Throughout the entire night Kim couldn't stop smiling and saying, I just can't believe how perfect everything is. I think it's important to say stuff like that out loud, because it forces you to really live in the moment and enjoy it. And I know that Kim did. 

Me on the other hand, once the ceremony was over I started to get a little nervous about my speech/song. I forgot about all of the people who would be at the wedding that I hadn't seen since college. It's one thing to act like a clown here in Chicago in front of strangers, but to do it in front of people I know is an entirely different thing...

And so I sat at the head table and stewed in my head. I'd just written a lot of the lyrics that day and I refuse to use notes when I talk in front of people. Every other speech so far had been incredible and I knew the pressure was on. 

After Kim's matron of honor Holly, said her thing, it was my turn. So I took one last drink of whatever was in front of me and just started going. I had an idea of how to start it, but I hadn't practiced it. A bit of an oversight on my part. 

Sometimes when I'm doing weird shit in front of a lot of people I'll have these moments when it's like I float outside of my body and am far too self aware (or unaware?) of what is happening. I'll think to myself, man you're weird, as it's actually going on. But then the clown voice inside of me says, shut up, this is a rush

It wasn't my best performance to date. I messed up some lyrics, left a few out, and mumbled my way through too many. But at the end of the day I think Kim got a kick out of it and that was the sole reason I did it. 

Right after the song was over I had to hide in the bathroom for about 30 minutes because I was scared to face people. But three days later the dust has settled and I'm thinking YOLO! No one should be surprised by the shit I do anymore. Living in the Chicago comedy scene for five years now has changed my perception on what is "normal" and what isn't.

The link to the video is here, but I'm pretty sure the settings are private still so chances are 98% of you won't be able to see it. I'm also going to share on my facebook page. 

However my momager said she'll send me her copy to post later. So check back. Or don't. Life is about choices! 

The night ended at The Bar, The Bar with all of us getting judgy looks from cute little college girls wondering who in the hell this haggard wedding party was.  *We'd had our makeup on for 12+ hours, we were looking a little hard...

Just wait, I wanted to tell the 21 year olds. You might think you don't want to be us, because we're soooo much older than you, and you're still young and in college, but you're wrong. I can't speak for everyone, but I'm having more fun right now in life than I've ever had.

Until I called an Uber and they charged me $80 to go four miles.... I can only blame myself. I wanted Amigos and said out loud, "I'll literally pay anything." And so I did.

I got Lincoln'd. It happens every time.


  1. if anyone is reading my comment, you MUST watch the video of taylor's speech. it is probably the best I've ever seen. ever. for serious. also that emoji shirt idea is awesome.

    1. Agreed!! Haha tooooo much. You outdo yourself every time.

  2. This looks like the most fun wedding day. And ahh can't watch the video. Must see soon.

  3. I LOVE your friend's wedding dress! Any chance you could find out the designer? ...Inquiring minds would love to know ;) And definitely watching your speech once I get home from work!

  4. I'll be tuning into your speech when I'm home. Cannot wait!

    Also, that dog bed did look more comfortable then my ACTUAL bed. Ha! :)

  5. SO happy to hear the wedding ended at The Bar The Bar! We did too... My newly pronounced husband yacked behind the dunk tank outside and here's me... just doin' my thang, peeing in that tiny, nasty bathroom. You should see the bottom of my wedding dress. YIKES. ;)

    - Stephanie

  6. So many questions. What's the t-shirt milestone?
    Your liquor store opens at 7:30 AM?? Mine open at 10:00 in NJ!! dafuq.
    Can you say hi to your momager for me??

  7. The video made me so happy! haha! What a fun wedding!

  8. Ok because Helen said to watch the video I went and did just that and she as right I am glad I did what an awesome speech.

  9. Your speech/video was epic. Well played!