25 Facts About Me You Might Not Know

Thursday, April 27, 2017

After yesterday's post I think we need to lighten things up around here. So I'm going to share 25 random ass facts about me. Some you may know, others maybe not?! Let's jump in!

First things first, when I wore this dress last year the strap broke and unannounced to me, I rode down Michigan Avenue seated behind Chris on our scooter whilst freeing the nipple. Don't believe me? Read about it here.

I played with Barbies until I was far too old. Like teenager-old. When someone would walk into my room during the midst of a good play session I'd quickly throw them under the bed, or act like I was "practicing doing hair" on them.

Speaking of dolls, I was always a little afraid of my bigger baby dolls. So I made sure to check in with each and every one of them for at least a moment or two every day, (just a casual "Hey, how's it goin?" "Is that a new dress?") Just in case... just in case they really did come alive at night.

I was a big fan of the Goosebump series and Are You Afraid of the Dark.

However, I refuse to watch real scary movies. I saw The Sixth Sense for the first time last week and I'm still not sleeping great.

I believe in ghosts.

I also believed in Santa Claus until I was 14.

I've always had a strong imagination (are you gathering that yet?) My favorite summer was in '94 when my dad cut down a huge tree in our backyard and it became my very own pirate ship! Ah, such good memories.

One of my favorite movies is The Way Way Back. I've watched it three times this week.

Best advice I've ever gotten from my parents was:

My dad- "It'll all work itself out."
My mom- "Always paint your toenails before a road trip."

My dream job is to live the life of a recluse writer. I have this fairytale in my head where I live by water, but also have a lot of land (so my 500 dogs can roam free) and I only "go into town" about twice a month. And even then it's because Chris insists on it and is like, "Tay, you haven't left the house in weeks, don't you think you should go out and see people?"

But I don't care! Because I have 100000s of dogs to talk to every day. But I'll go in for Chris's sake because I know it's important to him.

Chris was my first boyfriend! And after our first date I knew we'd probably get married. "Not for like ten years though," I told my college roomies, "but eventually."

I consider moving to Chicago one of the best decisions of my life (second only to saying yes to go on a date with Chris.)

I know this statement ^^ seems weird given what I just said about wanting to be a recluse, but right now we're in our "city stage." The recluse stage won't come for another 10 or so years.

I've been blogging for nearly 9 years. Which in blog time is actually 109.

I pierced my lip with a fish hook when I was three. I thought the worm was a gummy worm and I just couldn't keep myself away.

I pierced my nose with a safety pin when I was 15. I watched Parent Trap in preparation. (I re-pierced my nose when I was 26.... not with a safety pin because I'm an ADULT now and do body piercings correctly.)

I need at least 9-11 of sleep to function properly. I'm one of "those people" who fall asleep the minute my head hit the pillow.

To this day, my closet at my parents house is covered in Delias and Limited Too magazine clippings. It also says "Paris Taylor" all over it, as that was what I liked to be called for a brief time in the early 2000s.

The first joke I remember writing was in middle school. It was a social studies assignment and we were supposed to draw a "political cartoon." Mine was apparently "too dark" and the teacher threatened to call my parents and made me resubmit.

(I still think it's a good joke.)

I've stopped doing standup and I miss it, but I also don't. The nighttime comedy club hopping just isn't for me.

However I'll never stop "doing comedy," (whatever that means.)

The "religious apocalypse" of 5.21.11 as predicted by crazy minister Harold Camping scared the shit out of me. I'll never forget the relief of waking up on 5/22 and still being alive!

I'd like to say I've stopped believing in all that weird shit since, but..... But.

And now I'm about to wrap this up because I'm under the weather today and I need to go make another cup full of Emergen-C. Ugh, that stuff is the worst. Do you have a good cold remedy? If so, please share.

Happy Thursday, friends!

When It Comes To Animal Abusers

Wednesday, April 26, 2017

It happened again.

One dog story led to another and I've found myself in a dark hole of worry/sadness this morning about things I can't control. I'll snap out of it after a good walk with Harlow, I'm lucky my sad moods don't stay around long. I know what triggers them and I know how to get out of them. But every once in awhile I allow myself to sit in them for a bit (like right now.)

Today's abuse story that got me hit closer to home than expected.

I saw a few articles this morning about the brutal killing in North Carolina of a pit bull named Huey (one report said he was a therapy dog.) *about to share what happened, skip over to the next paragraph if you need*  He was tied to a tree, shot five times, and it was recorded. For starters I obviously don't understand abuse, it seems so simple to me- you just don't do it. But then to record it? Why are we seeing so much of this shit these days? It's so disgusting to me I can't wrap my head around it.

I assumed the couple was on meth. I just don't understand how anyone in their right mind would think, "hey lets shoot our dog and make sure to record it all so we can have it as a keepsake forever." Laughing and giggling can be heard throughout.

(I read that anyway, I would never ever watch such a thing.)

I stayed away from the article and gathered everything you read above from the headline and from the few comments I saw. Unfortunately my mind was feeling extra grim today, so after a few hours of dwelling on this and feeling sick, I clicked on it to know more.

And that's when I realized I knew one of the people responsible for this heinous crime. He's a guy from my small town in Nebraska. He's the younger brother of a girl I went to high school with. I played at their house several times growing up. I had sleepovers with her.

I know this guy. Or I knew him when he was a kid.

When I put the pieces together it got even harder for me to comprehend. Why would he do this? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?

When it comes to animal abusers I get quite vindictive. I want the kind of justice that never seems to happen. A person who treats a helpless animal like this is a monster and should get a taste of their own medicine.

And so I started to write a really nasty Facebook status. And yes, I know that's just as ridiculous as it sounds. But, I was angry and wanted to feel better by yelling into social. I AM SO MAD AND WANT EVERYONE TO KNOW!!! But then I imagined his sister reading it, or his parents, and how chances are they're already feeling bad about this and what good would my negativity bring them?

Nothing. I'd just be adding to the hate cycle.

So after I talked myself down from being an angry troll on Facebook, I remembered there's only one thing that brings me resolve when I'm feeling like this, and that's donating to a shelter in the name of the specific animal who's been hurt by senseless humans. Today that happens to be the shelter in Norfolk, Nebraska found here.

If you see abuse or neglect happening, please do something. It's as simple as googling "reporting animal neglect (then fill in your city, state)" and you'll find the info you need. I do it all the time. You can ask to remain anonymous. But if you're too scared to turn in a neighbor or family member, email me. Give me the info and I will turn them in. My email is thedailytay@gmail.com.

Now I'm going to take Harlow on an extra long walk and try my hardest to focus on the light rather than the darkness.

When You Turn Into Your Parents

Tuesday, April 25, 2017

You ever notice the moments when you realize you're starting to turn into your parents? They sneak up on you in places you wouldn't expect and leave you wondering, now why the hell why did I just say that? But you know. You definitely know.

My moments have been happening lately at the plant store by our house.

Little back story on my parents and how they feel about their plants- (they're nuts.) Nuts to the point where once their garage got broken into and someone stole a bunch of stuff from my dad's car and do you know what he was the most upset about?

"My cucumbers! That bastard trampled my damn cukes!"

"Yeah, but dad your wallet was stolen, and credit cards. And cash.... What about that stuff?"

"These were going to be my best cukes yet and would you look at them? They're ruined. RUINED. Well thank GOD they didn't get my tomatoes."

Whomever broke into my parents garage did so by trompsing through their garden first, a tragedy none of us has forgotten ever since. My parents installed an alarm system shortly after, but I'm fairly certainly it's mostly to protect their garden and potted plants.

And such I grew up in a world where summer days were meant for one thing, and one thing only: planting.

As a kid they'd drag me to boring plants stores like "Mulhalls" and "Lanohas" and "Earl May," and I'd sit in the car counting my arm hairs (after I'd get my free popcorn from Earl May, obviously.)

When I got older and realized my parents were actually paying money for this crap my mind was blown.

BUT WHY? Why would you spend money on plants? Who cares?????

They would try to teach me about the plants and their names and their hobbies and blah blah blah but I didn't care at all. I had so much more important stuff to worry about; like which Hollister board shorts I should buy with my lifeguard money.

I blocked all of the plant talk from memory, certain I'd never care about something so boring.

Until ten years later. When it turns out ... I do. Ugh.

Last night Chris and I were picking out plants for our rooftop and kitchen balcony, (because that's what we do now) and he pointed to a pretty flowering plant and said, "that one looks nice, wonder if it blooms all summer?" 

And without skipping a beat I responded, "yeah it does, it's a Hibiscus. And you can bring it in the house in the winter and it will do fine, it'll stay alive years. But you have to be careful as it gets older because it will get so heavy it could topple over in the wind."

And then your pot will crack and your mom will be mad for days and your dad will say, I told you so!

Chris was like, "how do you know all that?" And I just responded, "I have no idea."

A lot of people can recognize a hibiscus, I don't think I'm Jenny-Green-Thumb for knowing that one. But as we continued to walk down the rows of plants I could name them all, using knowledge I was certain I had ignored.

Bougainvilleas, Snapdragons, Blackeyed Susans, Hastas, Gazinias, and the famous Oleander, (also a movie starring Michelle Pfeiffer.)

In the past three days I've been to the plant store four times.

I used cilantro for our tacos last night that we're growing on our kitchen balcony. We also have mint and basil and parsley. And a tomato plant. And a cucumber plant. I check them all, several times a day.

I don't know who I am anymore.

But I do know one thing, if anyone were to mess with my cukes I would be pissed.

A Post Written By My Mom On Her 30th Birthday

Friday, April 21, 2017

Here is a photo of my mom on her 30th birthday. I repeat, this is a photo of my very young mom with her three very young kids helping her blow out her birthday candles.

My 30th may be inching up on me. (But if you're a talent agent reading this I'm going to tell you it's my 25th!) Wanna know how I feel about this? Exactly how I look in that photo, that's how. Confused and sweaty. The story of my childhood.

Thus I present to you,  "If my mom had written a post on her 30th birthday, I imagine it would have gone like this."


I can't believe I turned 30 today! However, this photo was taken two weeks ago in anticipation of today, knowing it would take that long to develop.

I've had a great day and am feeling quite lucky. All of the kids bought me new Precious Moments that I can't wait to add to my collection in our hutch. I'm up to 76 figurines now! And dare I say each and every one of them are ... precious to me!

Jay surprised me with a cordless phone! Crazy, I know! I feel so mobile. I can go anywhere around the house (within 3 rooms of where the receiver is on the kitchen wall) and talk to anyone. What will they think of next?

A few of my friends are starting to get "pagers," but those just seem like a little much for me. I don't think you can even make a phone call on them, so I just don't get the point? Why would you want to lug around something extra like that, when you don't even use it to have a phone conversation? It just seems a little silly to me! Besides, if someone needs to get a hold of me that bad they can leave a message on our answering machine. And if I'm out and about and need to make a call I can just use a payphone, that's what they're there for!

Anyway, enough talk about modern technology.

We celebrated my birthday by going bowling tonight at Kings Lanes. In case anyone is wondering it was not a surprise party. Which is fine, because I didn't think it would be. So I definitely didn't wear my best acid wash jeans and striped knot-front tee, with my matching striped socks, pink Keds, and dangly watermelon earrings, thinking it would be a surprise party. Because I for sure knew it wasn't going to be a surprise party. So I was in no way surprised when it was not in fact a surprise party.

Like I said, it's really been a great day.

The kids didn't fight much which was very sweet. Jade spent the day playing Barbies and listening to her NKOTB cassette. Jordan played legos and with his My Buddy doll. And Taylor, well I'm not sure what she was up to all day, but if I had to guess I would say she's back on the bottle. I know that's terrible to say about your two year old, but look at her, she's a mess. She's clearly been drinking. I'm just worried she may grow up to be one of "those adults" who's never quite ready for adulthood, you know what I mean? Like what if one day she's about to turn 30 and she spends her days all alone cooped up in an apartment playing make-believe with a dog she swears talks back to her or something?

Or even worse, what if she spends her time corresponding all day with people she's never met? Like via chain letter or something.

That sounds bad, I don't mean that. I'm just saying I worry about her. But what mother doesn't?

What mother doesn't worry about Taylor, I mean. I've heard the whispers. Apparently she doesn't "play well with others." While all of the other kids at daycare are in the toy room having fun with each other, Taylor prefers to hang out in the corner talking to her Little Debbies. Some of the kids say she even pets them. I should really stop buying her those Zebra Cakes, but she loves them so.

There I go again, making my birthday post all about the kids!

My twenties were great and I'm excited to see what my thirties bring. I feel blessed and happy to have my kids at the ages they are as I enter into my thirties. I can't imagine just starting to have children now like my friend, Pam. Of course I would never say that to Pam, but I think she's okay being an older mom. So good for her! You go, Pam!

I can tell you one thing, after all of this birthday cake I may need to join a fitness center or start doing a little more aerobics. Pam invited me to try a new workout craze called "Jazzercise," but I think I'll have to pass. Dancing around in thong leotards just doesn't seem like something I could get into.

But now I'm getting a little sleepy so it's time to towel dry my perm, hit the waterbed, and call it a day.

Cheers to another great birthday.

It's crazy to think it will be 1990 soon! That's so weird to say. We'll be living in the 90s, it sounds so modern and chic, just like I'm sure the 90s will be.

Things We Can Learn From Our Pets

Thursday, April 20, 2017

The question people usually ask me when they learn that I work from home (and have for the past 3-4 years) is, "Don't you get lonely?"

Truthfully? No, I don't.

And the main reason for this is a four-legged best friend named Harlow. He simply doesn't allow it. Harlow doesn't stand for moping, or laziness, or refusing to get up in the morning (even in the winter when it's dark and freezing and I all want to do is stay in bed.) It goes without saying that Harlow is a definite mood-booster, and because of that, I often think of him as my hero.

I feel so lucky that I get to work from the comfort of my home and spend every single hour with him. From morning until night, usually seven days a week, we are by each other's side. Occasionally, he encourages me to take more walks than I'd normally go on or take a break from working to play fetch with his ball in the house, but spending that extra time together is always worth it when I see the joy on his face.

In my seven years of spending an abundant amount of time with him, I've come to the conclusion that there is so much that humans can learn from our furry besties.

Things such as...

Their gusto for life. The moment I say "up" in the morning Harlow literally jumps out of bed and can't wait to see what the day has in store for him. He goes from a dead sleep to bouncing off the walls in less than five seconds. His energy is contagious and forces me out of bed, as well.

He lives 100% in the moment; you can see it in his eyes and his ears. He's always present and enjoying his current situation.

Whether we're camping in the woods or the mountains or simply playing fetch with his toys in the house, he's an adventurer and is always anxious to see what's around the next turn.

Harlow greets everyone he loves with pure excitement and happiness so they know just how thrilled he is to see them. It doesn't matter if it's been 10 days or 10 minutes, Harlow will be excited.

Harlow's empathetic and caring. Harlow knows when I'm sick and will ease off just a little on demanding another walk. He'll lay his head in my lap and look at me with concerned eyes.

Most of all, Harlow couldn't care less about technology. He's more of an adventure seeking kind of guy. He forces me to put my phone down and enjoy the scenery around me, no matter where we are.

It's for all of these reasons why I don't get lonely working from home and why Harlow is without a doubt my very best friend.

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This blog post is sponsored by STAINMASTER® PetProtect®.

When I Knew I Was Destined For Greatness

Wednesday, April 19, 2017

I peaked in the 6th grade.

It was at this very time during the spring of ... well the year's not important, really. What's important is that it happened. It was at the annual all city "6th Grade Track Meet." If you didn't catch that, that meant that 6th graders from ALL over the metropolis of Norfolk, Nebraska were going to compete in one very big track meet to see who could run the fastest and jump the furthest.

Naturally, I assumed it would be me.

I'd be lying if I didn't admit I'd been preparing for this monumental event since the 2nd grade when I first learned of the track meet after my sister "competed." At the end of year school assembly when our P.E. teacher handed out ribbons for the meet winners I was determined to get the blue and felt sad for my sister and the way she had represented our family by only getting the purple "participant" ribbon.

I remember thinking to myself, "she should have trained harder," as I sat criss-cross on the Northern Hills gymnasium floor that morning. Why did she not care? It was evident my sister cared more about scouting boys to date for the next year in middle school than actually running a race at the "ALL CITY TRACK MEET."

It made zero sense to me. Winning was everything. If I had been able to get the tattoo I wanted at that age it would have literally said, "WINNING IS EVERYTHING" followed by a Nike swoosh.

The only time I considered rocking a short buzz cut was in 3rd grade and it was because I was incredibly jealous of the boys and their NIKE swooshes they all got shaved in the back of their heads. I get envious just thinking about those blonde little buzzzed swooshes of hair. They were SO COOL.

Back to my training. (See #4 on list.) Please ignore all others.

For the next four years I made my parents take me to every track meet in the Northeast Nebraska region. When I felt comfortable enough with my talent we even went to bigger state events such as "The Cornhusker State Games," (the Olympics of Nebraska) my heart skips a beat just typing that. And also the Hershey State Track Meet. Oh, and one time I ran a mile holding a fire torch for the "Nebraska Torch Run" on a random stretch of highway, next to a cornfield, outside of Norfolk followed by a man in a white Pontiac driving at the rate I was running. I'm hoping that man in the Pontiac was an affiliate of the race or something and not just some creep on the highway following a little girl who thought she was the Marion Jones of Northeast Nebraska. I guess we shall never know.

In my off time I set up small bean bags in our very long driveway and practiced the "shuttle run" to keep my agility up. I did pull-ups on my dad's pull-up bar and occasionally snuck a few lines of his protein powder into my Fun Dips.

I'm not ashamed of any of this. It was all in preparation for the biggest day of my life, the 6th Grade Track Meet.

My race day outfit is also worth noting as it was the best race day outfit to ever exist. Red running shorts with a silver stripe down the side, with a matching grey tank top with red stripes, that read "LTD too athletics." It was a Limited too outfit, OBVIOUSLY. *I wore a thick t-shirt under the tank because I was not about to show off my shoulders!!! 

I had done some light scouting at the practice meets and knew my biggest competitors would be girls by the names of Jeni, Amber, and Jessica.

I won my first event, the long jump, and was feeling very good about the 100 meter dash.

My favorite thing to do before lining up for a race was casually ask the runners next to me, "so are you fast?" Most would shrug or say no, probably wondering who this weird kid was asking them a question like, "are you fast?" And I'd always respond, "yeah, I'm not really fast either."

I don't know where I picked up this odd "I like to hustle other kids" attitude. But it was a move I was known for. I knew I was fast, what I did not know, was what the word "humble" meant.

As we lined up for the 100 it was obvious to me the "volunteers" had us at the 110 meter mark, rather than the 100. Having been an experienced track competitor, I politely told the adult who was instructing us, "um, you're not doing this right."

I'll never forget how she shrugged me off and acted like I knew nothing.

Use the fury for the race, Taylor. Do not let her get to you.

I won my heat for the 110 by a landslide. And the racers after our group were moved up to the 100 mark.

Boys from other schools came up to me afterward and noted how fast I was. They also noted how I looked like a "blowfish" when I ran because I puffed my cheeks in and out so hard. But it didn't bother me, I'd seen those boys run. More like jog! Pppfff.

This post has gotten longer than I intended. I guess I enjoy writing about the best day of my life/when I peaked at the age of 11.

Long story short, I won every event that day.
*except the 200, but I didn't try that hard because I was tired and the 200 is stupid.

At the end of the day I was exhausted, a little sun burnt, and very very happy. Every other sixth grader at the meet knew my name. What next? Collegiate running? The Olympics? WNBA? Who knew? My future was so bright I could barely handle it.

In fact, those were my PE teacher's exact words as she gave me all 10000 of my blue ribbons at the end of year assembly, "her future is so bright!"


Anyway, I've got to package up a bunch of "Let's Day Drink" shirts and then take a few photos of Harlow in a bathrobe for a blog post, but never forget, follow your dreams! Anything is possible!

Here's a very grainy photo of my sister and I. Although I'm not actually in 6th grade here as it appears, I'm probably 17. I was a "late bloomer."

When did you peak?

Friends With Babies

Tuesday, April 18, 2017

Chris and I have been doing this thing lately where we accidentally always end up matching our outfits, in some shape or form. Last weekend in Austin it was stripes.... On the way home it was matching heather grey sweatshirts. At this rate by the time we're 40 we'll be that couple at the retirement home wearing identical neon windbreakers.

Last Friday we flew to Austin to celebrate some 30th birthdays.

We got on a boat, did a little bar hopping down Rainey and 6th street, and spent late nights with the girls giggling in the hotel room and eating pizza like we were back on 1545 S Street. (Some addresses never leave you.) That was our sorority house. Yes, spare me your judgement, I was in a sorority. I bought some lasting friendships from KAO so I have no regrets.

It's hard to spend four years with friends, seeing them almost every day, sleeping under the same roof (or bunk) and then one day you spread out all over the country and only get to see them once a year, twice if you're lucky.

It's also weird for me to think that as a 20 year old I slept in a bunk bed. In our sorority we had "open air," so imagine what you've seen on movies about old-timey orphanages, where there's a big long room filled with rows of bunk-beds, and that was life for me sophomore year of college. To this day when I hear Show Stopper by Danity Kane (which is rare, but occasionally happens) I think of Ashley W and her alarm clock and all of open air shouting, "Ash, SHUT OFF YOUR ALARM!"

Ah memories.

As I was saying.

I love those friendships when you can get together after ten months apart and not skip a beat. Nothing has changed, yet everything has. We've added a new member to the group, a little guy just under six months affectionately known as "baby Mingy." And we've picked up some husbands along the way, as well.

And let's just say our brunch convos have certainly evolved. I think we spent two hours talking about pregnancy and giving birth and bodies doing things I didn't know they could. Three out of the four girls I met up with this past weekend are doctors or work in public health, meanwhile I was asking opinions for a new tshirt idea along the lines of, "I like beer," while my other friend Kammie was wearing her favorite poop emoji tank top (she nor I are the doctors.)

But never the less, the convos were good and never seemed to end. You know you're in good company when you have to wait an hour for a table in a crowded restaurant but you don't really mind because there's so many topics to cover, and so little time.

Such was the case with the entire weekend, so much we wanted to do and see, yet time was so fleeting. I'm still yet to see the infamous "i love you so much" wall, or watch the bats fly over the bridge. But we did have lunch at an awesome spot in Holly called Launderette, and later in the day I took a photo of Chris next to his favorite movie line.

I know, I know, it's kind of embarrassing. Chris loves movie lines... We all have our things and I will love and accept him anyway. Until he starts saying, "Rod, you were there." Then I get mad because enough is enough.

On that note, I've got a full work load ahead of me and have to get to it because rumor is that it's supposed to be mid 70s today and Harlow will want an extra amount of playtime. Bye! Have a good Tuesday!

Harlow's Online Dating Profile

Thursday, April 13, 2017

This is a sponsored post written by me on behalf of BarkBox for IZEA. All opinions are 100% mine.

Name: Harlow Wentworth Jimmer Hillis Wolfe.

Age: Appears to be a puppy at the park, but an old man when it's bedtime.

Favorite quote: Carpe squirrels!

Interests include: Barking at anyone or anything "questionable" he sees from the front window. This can include: any person making a delivery, cats, bags blowing in the wind, the neighbor dog, a stray leaf, or any person he gets a bad vibe from.

Loves: the dog park, dog beach, cheese sticks, and BarkBox delivery day.

What annoys him: When his mom won't open his BarkBox fast enough (for real, he goes nuts.) Every BarkBox comes with 2 bags of treats (all natural), 1 chew, and 2 toys, and Harlow has no time to waste in figuring out what he was sent. The moment the BarkBox is brought inside he starts running circles around it.

What he's looking for in another dog: Someone who is willing to share their toys and treats, more specifically Bully sticks and Pretzel shaped toys.

A perfect date would include: Going to another dog's house and eating their treats and dog food, and also destroying their toys. So ideally, he's looking for a dog who is already a member of BarkBox's #destroyerclub

Last things you should know: Harlow is very sweet and loving, but gets frustrated easily with other dogs because he's also a diva who prefers to have ALL the attention on him. However, he can put his annoyance aside if you surprise him with a BarkBox. Bonus points if you choose to upgrade to the "extra toy" club option.

BarkBox details: It's a monthly subscription for dogs of all sizes (big Harlows and teeny tiny Harlows.)  It's billed monthly and each plan is automatically renewed. A monthly plan is $29 (makes a great gift for any friends with pups-and don't forget you can cancel at anytime!) A 6-month commitment plan is $25 and a 12-month commitment plan is $21.

Your first box is shipped right away so you'll have it on your doorstep within days of ordering it! If you want to make your dog's day (and your own, because seeing their reaction is priceless) I highly suggest you give BarkBox a try.

Visit Sponsors Site

How To Pack For A Trip

I'm in the midst of packing for a little getaway this weekend so today's post will be short. Just warning you in case you came here expecting a novel from me, not today unfortunately.

First things first, THANK YOU for all of the purchases yesterday. Oh my gosh, I was blown away. Safe to say my first "surprise sale" or "spring sale," whatever you want to call it was a success. And don't think for a second that I ever take for granted the support you send my way. I am well aware how lucky I am and very very grateful!

My favorite part is reading your order notes. Sure, 95% of them are addressed to Harlow and not me, but I still appreciate it. So does he.

Speaking of Harlow, I'm taking him to his first weekend sleepover tonight and I am very nervous about it. I've packed his favorite toys (Piggy, Batty, and Pretzel Head) his fleece blanket, Cubs jersey, and treats. But I'm nervous about the sleeping situation, because Harlow doesn't just sleep in our bed, he sleeps on my pillow. Face to face with me, and we giggle and tell secrets all night long. I know some people think this is weird, but I think people who don't do this are weird. So to each their own.

We have someone staying at our house, but they're working long hours so instead we're taking Har to a guy known as the Vizsla whisperer in Chicago. Harlow's going to have a slumber party with 2-3 other dogs, and will get 2-3 dog beach visits per day.

This dog-whispered doesn't accept just anyone, so Harlow had to go on a "trial playdate" to be allowed into this elite Chicago dog club (not kidding) so I'm really hoping he doesn't act like a jackass this weekend and get himself kicked out. I'll keep you updated.

And now it's just about time to check in for our flight, so I'm already getting extreme anxiety about Southwest giving me a C even though I'll check in RIGHT ON TIME. The pressure is too much for me.

Before I go, I hope you enjoyed my beautiful flat-lay pic above. I made it just for you! The grey sweatshirt is from the J Crew Factory Mens section, circa six years ago. If you look closely, there's tiny holes everywhere, but I love it too much to throw it away. The slippers are from my friend Kate, so if you want a pair, talk to Kate.

And I just got the adorable striped-pjs from Madewell, they're a little pricey, but as I've gotten older (and lazier) I don't mind paying a little more for pjs since I wear them every night for 9 (sometimes 14) hours at a time. I like to be comfy, what can I say!

I also just ordered these palm print pajamas and am far too excited about them. I'll probably wear the top as a shirt because that's what crazy kids do these days!

Now to conclude and tie it back to my title. How to pack for a trip: you just do! Hope this helps. Byeeeeeee!

Five Times I Was A Crazy Ass Bride

Wednesday, April 12, 2017

First things first, I got a wild idea last night and decided to launch a "surprise sale," today only where you'll get 20% off your entire order using the code "SURPRISESALE." If know you me, you know I never do sales (Cyber Monday 2016 was my first time) and this is my second time. So jump on it, if there's a shirt you've been eyeing for awhile.

The idea for the sale came to me since it's wedding season right now and I find myself working with a lot of brides. I kind of stumbled into the "wedding market" if you will, and it's been an interesting endeavor to say the least. 98% of the brides I work with are great. However 2% are not so great. They want their shirts yesterday, delivered to their bridal suite, and personalized with their new last name. In diamond (real diamonds.) That are canary yellow.

I emphasize with them to a certain degree because even though I like to pretend I was a chill bride 24/7, I was not. I had my moments when I couldn't keep the crazy on lock down. And those moments always seemed to sneak up on me and surprise me that I even cared. Yet I did. I cared a lot. Let's take a look at a few!

Don't let the smile fool you. It's just a bowl full of crazy going on in that noggin.

#1. The Flower Girl dresses.

"What kind of dresses would you like Lola and Finley to wear?" my sister, the MOH, casually asked during wedding planning.

"That's up to you. I really don't care at all," I said, playing the "chill bride" role very well.

And so a week later my sister sent me three options. Two I liked, one I did not. "Both are great, I just don't love #2!" I responded.

A few days later she called me triumphantly to say the dresses had been ordered. She went with option two!

"You're kidding, right?" I said.

"No..... why?"

"Because I said option two is the one I DID NOT LIKE."

"Oh shoot, I'm so sorry, I must have gotten mixed up. I thought that was the one you did."

For those of you who know my family, you know that my sister is the nice one. She is the caretaker, the courteous one, the sister who will do anything for someone else. I am not. I'm the "outspoken" one. Or the "mean one." So I know this wasn't done maliciously, it was an accident.

So what did I do? I took it like an adult and said, "it's fine."

Or did I hang up the phone and immediately start crying and freak out that "NO ONE LISTENS TO ME AND THIS WEDDING IS RUINED."

I had a full blown, bat shit crazy bride meltdown in the privacy of my home last spring over CHILDRENS DRESSES. Can you believe this? I still can't. Even as I was going crazy I knew it was crazy, but that didn't stop the crazy. The crazy just kept pouring out of me.

And then it happened again. In public.
(also new flower girl dresses were ordered.)

#2. My Bachelorette Pin.
The Sandys (my mom and her friend, Sandy) and my sister met me at Midway airport last year en route to my bachelorette in Austin.

I was waiting for them outside of Harry Caray's, when they all showed up wearing giant pins of my teenage face. In a single instant a wave of humiliation and embarrassment flooded over me and I became that insecure teenager on the pin, way too worried about what others may think.

"What is that? Take that off now. I'm not kidding, please take that off," I demanded.

My mom was clearly shocked at my response to her fun gesture. And why shouldn't she be? She's seen my improv on stage, my standup, my insta-videos, all times where I willingly make an ass of myself in front of a lot of people, just for a chuckle. And yet I'm embarrassed of an old pic?

It made no sense to anyone, myself included. Luckily, it only lasted about five minutes and I immediately apologized, recognized my odd behavior, and demanded the pins were worn the rest of the weekend.

I've tried to "shrink" myself and figure out why I went crazy in both of those situations and I still can't figure it out. Emotions? Stress? Insecurities? All of the above probably. Planning a wedding can make one go crazy if you're not careful.

I've got 3 more fun times I went nuts (one is regarding welcome bags, duh!) but this has gotten too long and Har is demanding a walk, so I'll have to continue part two tomorrow. In the meantime, head to my shop and stock up on the sale!

Survey Results + Random Musings

Tuesday, April 11, 2017

Survey results are in, guys! And this is what I learned:

*SurveyMonkey only allows up to 100 people to take a free survey before they will ask you to pay $26 to see more survey results.

*I should have offered the option for people to choose more than one option.

*I am not good at conducting surveys.

*Out of 100 people surveyed, 3 of you are hate-reading my blog. HEY NOW! We'll dive into this in a second.

But first, the topic most popularly chosen about what you'd like to see more of on this blog...

RANDOM MUSINGS. Followed by home decor, and Harlow!

And my heart exploded. I guess it makes sense given than 95% of this blog is random musings and always has been. So the fact that this is what you actually want to see and not just what I want to write makes me so happy!

The thing you don't want to hear about? BLOGGING. I love it. Everyone else has that covered so I'm pretty glad I'm in the clear there.

And for the majority, "everyone is cool with a fashion post every once in awhile." Cool, cool, cool.

No one thinks I should get bangs. I hear you, loud and clear. No bangs. But... but look how cool I think I look ....

Most of us still aren't over Kimmy Gibler OR The Hills.

AND no one will set their house on fire if I share fiction every once in a while! So much fun.


Until 3 of you admitted I'm a hate-read. Here's the thing, I expect EVERYONE to like me, no exceptions! I only put myself out there on the internets to be praised and loved! So I would like to address this right now.

Jk, jk, I respect your honesty. It stings a little, but I respect it. We're not all going to be everyone's cup of tea. I have a few people I cringe-follow on Instagram and I'm not sure why. That can't be healthy, can it? They don't add much joy to my life so I should probably stop, but every once in awhile when I'm feeling extra snarky I love a good eye-roll. So I suppose if I'm your reason for a good ol eye-roll, no harm, no foul.

Also, he'll kill me for saying this, but Harlow has a TON of dogs he hate-follows on insta. It's a "real thing" for him and we're working on it. It's 100% envy for him but he'd never admit it.

G2G now! But thanks for taking the time to answer some questions for me yesterday!

Manifesting Your Reality + My First Survey!

Monday, April 10, 2017

I had every intention of writing this post at 8:00 a.m. this morning but then I got sidetracked for just a second by reading this post on The Day Book and my day completely got away from me.

Sydney (the blogger behind The Day Book) shared a favorite passage of mine, (from a favorite self-help book, You Are A Badass by Jen Cincero) and suddenly my energy was through the roof and I was bouncing off the walls with excitement.

Excitement for what? Honestly, nothing and everything.

In the right mood, self help books turn me into a maniac. I'll start running around the room with my hands in the air, chanting "I CAN DO ANYTHING!" and I'll just drop into random warrior yoga poses (still chanting, still feeling powerful.) And yes, it's just as weird as it sounds and Chris gets very embarrassed for me when he catches me in one of these moods.

But I don't care because doing weird stuff brings me jollies and abundant energy and puts me on the "right frequency," as we self-help crazies like to say.

The specific passage Sydney shared today, from Jen's book was this,

"All the stuff we're so worried about creating and fixated on becoming is already right here, right now. The money you want already exists; the person you want to meet is already alive; the experience you want to have is available, now; the idea for that brilliant song you want to write is here, now, waiting for you to download the information.  The knowledge and insight and joy and connection and love are all wagging their hands in your face , trying to get your attention. The life you want is right here, right now. Think of it like electricity. Before the invention of the light bulb, most people weren't aware of electricity's existence. It was still here, exactly the same way it is right now, but we hadn't yet woken up to it. It took the invention of the light bulb to bring it to our attention. We had to understand how to manifest it into our reality."

I'm re-sharing this in hopes one of you will find something in it like I did. And for the record I've read Jen's book three times now, I've read that passage about 20 times, but for some reason today it clicked extra hard.

All of the things I need to do are right in front of me. I'm just stalling and talking myself out of them thanks to fear and self-doubt. I love to do this thing where I build things up to be much bigger in my head than they actually are. Like for example a book I've been writing foreverrrrr. According to my mind, finishing my book is the hardest, biggest, scariest, most impossible thing ever.

But it's not.

What I'm working on is a comical/slightly dark fiction book I started for fun. In the beginning it was cathartic and brought me pleasure to write, but then I got too excited about it and turned it into something scary and daunting.

But in reality people write books all the time. Some are good, some not so much.

But as Jen Cincero says, "a finished book is better than a perfect one."

So now I have to go, but first here's a survey I wrote pertaining to my blog (it's my first one! I think.) If you're bored, give it a whirl! And if you think I should go into a career of writing surveys, let me know!

*lastly, I'm still not sure how to conduct a survey so if it "expires" after 24 hours that means I didn't do it right and/or don't want to pay the $26 to enable this to last for more than 24 hours.

*update: I have reached my max free 100 responses, so I will have to pay to read any more so you can probably stop since I'm cheap and won't be able to see them. But it was fun while it lasted!

Create your own user feedback survey

Don't Be a Drunk Bride

Friday, April 7, 2017

My mom told me no less than 100 times before my wedding, "no one likes a drunk bride."

To which I often said, "I disagree. I love drunk brides." And then she'd roll her eyes and I'd roll mine and blah blah blah.

I was never worried about drinking too much at my wedding because in a way it felt like a show to me, like a comedy show or a standup set. And while I like to have a drink to relax (two max) before doing comedy, I never over-do it because I'm usually too nervous, and I know I have to be in control.

Thus was the case with my wedding. And there's also the fact I wanted to remember every second of it, I've heard horror stories of brides who accidentally drank too much and forgot their entire reception... After two years of planning one single day, no thanks, I'd never forgive myself.

Although some of the photos toward the end of the reception would prove otherwise, I was perfectly happy sipping champagne (and the occasional Fireball shot) for the majority of our wedding. But yes, due to the elements (the entire thing outside) and also because my face doesn't hold makeup well (I think that means I get greasy) I am a hot-mess in several photos toward the end of the night.

My hair is crunchy and windblown, my extensions were looking cray, half of my makeup had slid off my face, and the beauty of it all is that I never recall looking in the mirror, and yet I walked around feeling like a GD queen the entire night. "Everyone look at how good I look!"

In hindsight, I can't help but wonder if there was a guest or two who saw me at one point and was like,

"yo, should we say something to her?"

and then they looked at me on the dance floor, whipping my hair back and forth, thinking/acting like I was Rihanna and then thought, "nope, let her be who she is."

Oh, the joys of being a totally unaware bride. I wouldn't change it for the world.

*but actually I would, because trust me when I say the photos at the end are not. good.


I'm taking this walk down memory lane today because I just had to delete our wedding website and it broke my heart a little.

Ugh, I still miss it. I miss being in Steamboat with all of our friends and family. I miss laying in bed every night and imagining how much fun it would be (it met every expectation.) However, I do not miss the wedding nightmares.

If you notice I'm suddenly writing posts like "10 Things I Learned From Our Wedding" know that it's just because I want an excuse to talk about our wedding because I'm an egotistical maniac who can't let it go. So I hope that's cool with you!

All that said, here's a few fun wedding shirts I just released that are very tongue and cheek and perfect for dare I say .... the after party, your bachelorette, his bachelor party, the entire honeymoon, anything you want. Ext and so forth. Found: here.

Happy weekend, friends. WE MADE IT!!

A Workout Post From 1991

Thursday, April 6, 2017

Hello ladies! Happy Thursday!

I've recently gotten quite a few post cards and chain letters from several of you asking about what my daily workout routine is and I'm so excited to share! A few months ago I  started doing this new thing called "Jazzercise" and it is all that and a bag of chips! (Except minus the chips because they're too high in fat grams, more like all that and a bag of Fig Newtons!)

I'm just messin!

Jazzercise is a great workout if you love to dance, do a little bit of cardio, and most importantly, have a perm! Here's a few photos I took on my disposable camera from our class last week. It was held on the green turf in the swimming pool area at the Norfolk Country Club, how fun is that?

Pictured below are some of my new Jazz friends, Theresa, Cassandra, Marci, and Dawn. Marci is wearing the black tank top and I think she's struggling a little bit because she only had rice cakes for lunch. She's on a major crash diet trying to lose weight before her big ten year reunion.

But Dawn on the other hand (wearing the pink shorts, with the white knotted tank top, and the two-tone pink and white slouch socks) is getting after it. Dawn always looks rad. I think she works for Kraft Cheese in sales and makes a lot of money. Or maybe she's a stay at home mom. Either way, Dawn is sweet cherry pie. Her friend, Cyndi, (in the all pink with only a partial black leotard showing) usually seems intoxicated to me. I still like her though.

Fashion is huge part of Jazzercise, as I'm sure you can tell. I couldn't decide what to wear last week, my checkered biker shorts or my neon pink? Either way, I knew I would wear my bright yellow thong leotard over the top. I haven't earned the coveted teal tank top, quite yet! But I am dying to get one. Just ten more classes and that extremely over sized, ill-fitting muscle tank will be mine!

I can hardly wait!

I believe this was taken during the "Rhythm is a Dancer" routine, or was it "Celebrate Good Times," I'm not quite sure? But I do know we were about to go into our "lindy" move followed by a set of "grapevines."

Sandy, the main instructor, loves grapevines! She wears a small microphone that goes in front of her mouth and she looks just like Madonna. I think that's probably why she loves the Vogue song so much. At the end of class she hands out popsicles and cold washcloths from a small cooler she brings, and it's such a nice treat during "cool down" while we all lay on the green turf and do pelvic thrusts.

This is my favorite "butt burn" move so I had to take a photo. But unfortunately, some of the ladies didn't like me snapping photos at this moment, so I stopped shortly after. You can see my cousin, Carissa, looks especially mad. It's like, take a chill pill, Carissa. You know what I mean?

She's been pretty snotty ever since she got her new Nikes. Get off your high horse, Riss!

Plastic sunglasses are optional for class, but I will definitely be wearing some next time.

The instructors are so high energy and I think that's why I love the classes so much. They just got back from a Jazzercise conference in LAS VEGAS where they met Judy Sheppard Misset HERSELF! The founder and creator of Jazzercise, as if you didn't know. As if! I would probably faint on the spot if I ever met JSM.  But maybe someday, you never know!

What do I know is that Jazzercise will probably be around forever. I haven't necessarily lost a lot of weight since I started (I have lost some inches) but I don't really care, because I've gained so many new friendships. And a lot of cool new thong leotards!

After a good workout I like to relax on my davenport with a new episode of Knots Landing and my favorite Devils Food Cake! It's the perfect way to end a Thursday. I hope everyone has a stellar day!

***Inspired by my mom's Jazzercise photo albums (she has several) and also when she really met Judy Sheppard Misset in Vegas, NO BIG DEAL. As well as this very funny post.***