A Letter From the Mad Pooper

Wednesday, September 20, 2017

My name is Valerie Owens and I am not a monster.

In the past few days I have been drug through the mud online and I think it's time I give my side of things so you finally have a chance to know the real story.

I feel that I should probably start by saying that you may know me better as the "mad pooper." 

Or the Colorado Crapper. Or the Diarrhea Dasher. Sidewalk Shitter. Rancid Runner. Splatter Sprinter.  The Juicy Jogger. Fudge Fugitive. Turd Trotter. The Lincoln Log Leaker. Lead Singer of the Poo Flighters. Or Pam the Poopy Pants. (And no, my name isn't even Pam!) It's Valerie, as I've already said, Val to my close friends.

And I am more than just those hurtful names. I am more than the cruel headlines shown on the news and the youtubes. I am a person!


I am a wife and mother of three. I work at Jo-Ann's fabric store off of 14th and Wayencott (not at the Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory, as I've seen several of you speculate. Ha. Ha. RUDE.) In truth, I've probably helped you buy fleece for your tie-together Broncos themed fleece blankets. Go Broncs!

I attend the evangelical church "In His Arms and Under His Grace" every Sunday. I sing in the choir. I have held your hand during prayer. I have served your children brownies and chocolate sundaes after service.

I have a lot of hobbies. I like to cook. I like to read and write. And I love to play hide and seek with my children.

Just like you, I am a human being. And I have a story as to why I choose to defecate outside. Frequently.

Let me ask you this, do you choose your passions? Or do they choose you?

My passion is running and most recently, taking massive shits outside. Luckily for me, these two go hand in hand. I haven't always been this way, and I'll be the first to say I wouldn't have chosen this for myself. But now that I've discovered it, it's hard to go back.

It all began about four months ago while I was running in my neighborhood in the city where I live, beautiful Colorado Springs. About three miles into my ten mile jog my bowels started getting very angry. Was it my morning coffee? Or my morning bowl of black beans with fiber powder on top? I couldn't be sure, and truthfully it didn't matter as I had to go, and didn't have many options. I'm sure this is a feeling we can all relate to, when you're on a run and have to squeeze-cheek it four blocks home just hoping you make it in time; sweat dancing on your brow, gurgles coming from your midsection.

Well I didn't make it home, instead I hid myself as best as I could in the suburban neighborhood I was in, and proceeded to relieve myself.

And in that moment I felt as free and wonderful as I ever had in my entire life. It was like I was being born again. I heard birds singing, waterfalls falling, hints of cinnamon and sulfur in the air. I felt... alive.

So that's how it all began. I didn't intend to be this way. It just kind of happened. And once you know such bliss, how do you just turn away from it? You don't! You can't.

And so I didn't. But I never thought it would be so blown out of proportion quite like this. Dogs do it everyday for God's sake and I don't see articles or news stories being written about them. If I could teach my yellow lab, Nutters, to pick up after me on a jog I would, but sadly his hips don't allow him to run with me anymore. (Thanks for the reminder!) Any other depressing things you'd like to bring up about my life?!

I've read reports that people say I am intentionally doing this out in public for people to see, which is absurd! I assure you this is not the case. If it were, there would be more than just a handful of you who have seen me do it, as I have shit all over this great city. All over it.

I don't think there's a backyard I have missed. I have literally hit them all, even the ones just being built out on the east side of town. If you live in the Springs, look out your window toward your yard right now, and know that's where I have shit. Maybe more than once. Yes, this is a big city, but I am a trained marathon runner. With a little bit of discipline, it's not that difficult.

Where there's a napkin, there's a way.

As for the reports claiming that children have repeatedly watched me, well to that I apologize. And would like to say that I 100% did not realize they were children. I assumed they were small adults dressed in children clothing with children-like facial features. How can one ever really be certain these days? Children look so old now! Adults look so young!

I am not writing this today for attention. I'd just like my story to be known. I don't do what I do to hurt others. I do do it simply because it brings me joy. And relief.

So next time you want to throw stones, or post another snotty flyer, please remember I'm just a woman on a jog, doing what I love.

Don't judge me, be inspired by me.

Sincerely,
Val




***based on true events about a mad pooper, some names have been changed.***
**mostly made-up, though. so what I'm saying is this is satire (FAKE.)

*i don't condone shitting in public.

28 comments:

  1. I love the nickname Mad Pooper, haha. I'd actually love to be called that myself... I have constipation so my poop history is... *sigh*

    Charmaine Ng | Architecture & Lifestyle Blog
    http://charmainenyw.com

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  2. Perfection :) I'm so glad Val shared her side of the story.

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  3. haha this story is cracking me up. When i first read of the lady on Dailymail of all places I was all o.O

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  4. DYYYINNGGGG! I love you. Thank you for this--so hilarious!

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  5. I live in Colorado Springs and I found this hysterical...your story, not the pooping.

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  6. I thought this was real at first and was like "K WHAT!"

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  7. Some of your best work, inspired by public defecation. So that's weird. But also freaking fantastic.

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  8. One would think, "drug through the mud" would have been the first clue this is a joke!! I can't believe people actually gave you shit for this. Good thing you gave it right back to them.

    Ahhhhhh laughing so hard. So many jokesssss.

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  9. Welp, day has been made. Hahahaha this was the best.

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  10. Haha! I love that this story is getting SO much publicity! This is happening a few miles from where I live and it's SO insane! It gets more and more ridiculous each time I see non-local people share. Ha. Oh, Colorado!

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  11. I commented on facebook but I will here as well; Your Humor and her bowels knows no bounds!!! ahahaha XD

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  12. LMAO!! I enjoyed the story and will think about it every time I go camping in the woods 😀

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  13. I'm sorry, where's the excuse to do it more than once? If you know you "May" have to go... marathon runner... then freaking RUN to the freaking bathroom if your all over town!

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    1. if only my shits were as solid as this advice.

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  14. She said she is a "trained marathon runner", I guess her parents forgot to potty train her correctly. That's so convenient that she serves children at church brownies 😀 lol.

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  15. Would Jesus be happy with you for doing this? I get the "urge" to go - but to be doing this intentionally stating you have "never felt so free" is not normal - if you want to poop outside - do it IN YOUR BACKYARD!!!!!!!

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    Replies
    1. you're so right. my apologies to you and jesus.

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    2. LMAO...Dying right now! Taylor, you're my hero! My jesus LOVES you!

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  16. Best. Apology. Ever. (I kinda wanna run and poop with you)

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  17. Replies
    1. starting today, I will. you have my word.

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  18. I'm glad you got to share your side of the story. One thing that was not mentioned is if you carry a bag to remove your excrement as I believe that would be worse that stepping in dog poo.

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  19. Dr. Todd, After a long and painful (physically, mentally and emotionally) relationship and then break-up with my ex he continued to haunt me, continued to stalk me in my quest for a new life… even though he had a new woman to torture. I tried the police, they couldn’t keep him away. I turned to friends for protection and they couldn’t help me. I moved, he found me. I had no way out. You were my last resort to make him see and to be done with me and his cruel ways. The stories I have heard of what have happened to him I will no repeat but some have been horrific. He has since left me alone since he now has his own problems to deal with. I have been able to have a life my life without always looking over my shoulder thanks to you. Thank you for giving me my life back. E-mail: manifestspellcast@gmail.com or manifestspellcast@yahoo.com

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