I Am Not The Mad Pooper

Thursday, September 21, 2017

In my hundreds of years of blogging I've been fortunate enough to write a few posts that have "gone big."

"Gone big" means something different for everyone online. When I say it, I mean a post that garners around 30,000-40,000 hits in a day or two. Small potatoes for some. But, that's big potatoes for me. Usually those posts are about dogs, or something niche in Nebraska, but yesterday that meant a post about a "mad pooper."


I am not the mad pooper. This is me "on the go." Not because I just crapped in someone's lawn and need to get away fast, but because I am a blogger and we think it's really cool to take "on the go," pics.

Yesterday's post was about a fictional woman named Valerie Owens. The mad pooper, as shown in the news is very much real, however everything I wrote about her yesterday was not. If her name turns out to be Valerie Owens that would be a very VERY weird coincidence. I will buy a lottery ticket immediately if that is the case and I will most likely win the lottery. And for the rest of my life I will owe my winnings to the woman who decided it was okay to shat in public.

Stranger things have happened. Actually no, they haven't.

If you've been following me for awhile you've come to know that I get jollies off of posting weird stuff. Fan fiction about pilates, or nail salons (wait, that one is still coming) or just whatever the hell moves me that day. And yes, my posts have gotten increasingly weird in the last year when for some reason I just decided to stop caring about posting "blog appropriate" stuff anymore. I'm thankful for this turn as it has made my blog a lot more fun for me. It was a selfish move no doubt, but sometimes you gotta do what the heart wants.

Well yesterday I was moved by the poo runner. And so I wrote a post as the woman who I imagined was dropping deuces all over Colorado Springs. I hit publish and took Har on a walk.

And about an hour later that post had 7,000 views. That's fun, I thought.

Within two hours 15,000 views. Oh no, I thought.

It became clear to me that despite the numerous terrible, really really bad, poop jokes (at least 30 of them) I wrote into the post, people still thought the post was real. They didn't understand it was intended to be satire. They thought that I was actually the mad pooper.

As one woman wrote, Be inspired by you?! More like be sick by you! Use a bathroom like the rest of us!

Lady, you need to see a psychiatrist! What you are doing creates a health hazard to everyone else! 

Is this for real for real?

Why would someone eat black beans before a run anyway?!

This woman doesn't even care, how disgusting! 

Those are just a few comments I've seen on my Facebook page. As of last night the post had 130 + comments. As it turns out, people really do believe everything they read on the internet. Even blog posts about poo ladies that start by saying "I've been drug through the mud" and then proceed to list 15 different poop related nicknames.

Unlike Valerie Owens, when I make a mess in public I clean it up. So I'm here to own my fictional post from yesterday. If I mislead you, I am sorry. But perhaps we can all use this as a learning experience. Do not believe every post you read on the internet. And as the writer of fictional posts, I have learned that I can't write about shit, and not expect to get shit.

And to the real mad pooper, if you're out there and reading this, just start carrying plastic bags with you, my God. It's really not that hard. I pick up like ten pieces of shit a day, I do it so often I don't even notice it anymore. It's simply our burden as people with thumbs.

Because if you don't, just know that shit will catch up with you. It always does.

XOXO
Not Valerie Owens


25 comments:

  1. .....Oh my god. People need to get off the internet lol

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    Replies
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      MY EX IS FINALLY BACK TO ME

      I was so depressed when my ex left me for another woman. it made me felt like i was not relevant and my heart and love life was seriously destroyed. i could not concentrate in anything i was doing. i went online and searched for help but could not find any genuine spell caster until i went to Ocala Florida to visit my aunt to ease the depression and loneliness. when i got to Florida, i explained to my aunt who then felt pity for me and told me the secret she have not told anyone about the success in her marriage with her man. she then took me to the temple of powerful Dr. Ugo Wonders whom i met and explained my problems to. he promised to help me because of my aunt. i trusted his words and provided him with the materials needed to help me get my ex back and to my greatest surprise, after 48 hours of casting the spell, my Ex cam back on his knees begging for me to forgive him. i was shocked and surprised at the magic. we are happily married now and everything is working fine with us.I promised Dr. Ugo that i will never keep this a secret because he brought back my life and my world and that i will hare my testimony to the general public.
      My advice goes to any one out there who is emotionally depressed or having any similar relationship problem, to contact Dr. Ugo wonders the ultimate spell caster via his direct email generalspelltemple@gmail.com or call his temple line on +1 386-336-9876 he is the best in Florida....

      Delete
  2. Wow! People are gullible!! I thought the "poop" blog was hilarious!!!!

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  3. Wait...you're saying not everything on the internet is true?!?!?! WHAT??? Next you'll say that Santa doesn't exist. Ugh.

    I happy to think your creative mind is genius and am often jealous you thought of it first. :) Give Harlow a scratch for me.

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  4. I STILL BELIEVE YOU ARE THE MAD POOPER.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Proof that no one reads disclaimers or Apple Terms & Conditions...

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  6. I might be hilariously laughing and crying in my office over the fact that people thought you were, in fact, the mad pooper. hahaha people are nuts.

    Also maybe I should write about said mad pooper 30,000 views?? I can only wish.

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  7. Not gonna lie...immediately flipped over to your facebook to check out the comments.

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  8. you are hilarious, i love the post.. gained a new follower despite the shitty press ;)

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  9. "I am not the mad pooper" - next tshirt lady design ;)

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  10. No way! People really believed that?! Some people should not be left unsupervised with the internet. Too funny! Tee hee!

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  11. I honestly don't know which one I love more, the original post or the "I'm sorry people are ridiculous" post. Write on, Not Valerie Owens.

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  12. I am absolutely dying over this. Your piece yesterday was hilarious and the fact that people really believed it makes me very worried for America...Oh and the nicknames made me LOL so hard.

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  13. I can't believe you had to explain this. People are so gullible!
    Your piece was AWESOME!

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  14. I'm actually laugh/cry emoji-ing right now 😂

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  15. Hahaha oh gosh I can't believe people thought that was real. I mean, five seconds of looking around your site (like to your name or URL) would have told people your name might be Tay or Taylor or something besides Valerie.

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  16. Holy crap, what is wrong with people? They're in such a freaking hurry to be all mad about things they don't even stop to think about the likelihood that it isn't even true.

    For the record, the mad pooper post was HILARIOUS.

    ReplyDelete
  17. I'm behind in my blog reading, but yes, I read that post first. Hysterical.

    More hysterical that people took it seriously.

    You had me going for a few paragraphs. I thought maybe it was a guest post. I've never defecated in public, but I have Crohn's Disease, so I do legitimately have sudden terrible urges to go. I thought maybe the Internet was shaming a woman who did something embarrassing once.

    But then I kept reading and started cracking up. Clearly a work of fiction! Who could believe otherwise?!

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